Original subtitles

[Instrumental Music]

Hey, did you notice the For Sale sign is gone across the street?

Oh yeah. I wonder who's movin' in?

Maybe they have a son whose an all-american linebacker that can take Ebony to prom.

So we can help him score off the field? Hell, no.

Don't get no senior all-American linebacker's back, bro.

I'll fight a kid. Just like Kat Williams, but I'd win.

Whatever, Tony. Whoever it is, I just hope they don't bring down the property value.

That's probably the same thing them bougie black folks said when we moved in.

Maybe they're white.

Huh? Probably are with all this regingivitis goin' on.

It's gentrification, Tony.

Can a brotha make a joke?

Yes. Yes, but you know, speakin' of gingivitis,

did you floss?

Mm hm. Sure did.

Got enough left over for lunch tomorrow.

[Audience laughter]

Eeww, Tony.

You know, so what if they're white.

We'd probably get a Whole Foods around here finally.

- Not a bad thing. - Mm hm...

till Barbecue Becky calls the cops and shuts down the barbecue.

[Theme Music]

* Woke up and my wife said to me *

* The bill collectors want their fees *

* The kids keep talkin' back to me *

* Family Time á

* Family Time. Family Time á

* Family Time. Waa aah woa oah oah oah yeah *

[Knocking]

[Instrumental Music]

Hello hello, Lisa. I'm so sorry for dropping by

unannounced. I hate doing that.

I wanted to introduce you to our new neighbors.

- Hi, I'm Kira, and this is my husband, Ryan. - Nice to meet you.

Hey um Lisa, a did you switch me and Devin's draws, cause these

tight ass briefs are turnin' into a thong.

- Yeah. - And a this is my husband, Tony.

Tony, these are our new neighbors.

I didn't know we had company? My bad.

Wait, wait a minute.

Tony Stallworth?

Ryan Parker! Knock it off.

- Waz up, baby? - Hey, baby.

Wait, you two know each other?

Ah, this was my guy back in junior high school.

- [Laughter] - Wow, what a crazy coincidence.

- Yeah. - And now we're all neighbors.

Wait, I thought your last name was Jones?

Yeah, I mean I know it's gonna sound confusin' but

I used to go by my mother's maiden name.

See we used to call him Lyin' Ryan back in the day. Boy would lie about anything!

- This guy. - Now what kinda lies did you tell this lovely young woman?

A few too many.

Yeah yeah yeah, but they used to call him,

- ... Phony Tony. - Aah.

Why is that Tony?

You can tell 'em. You know.

Because he used to tell everybody in the hood that

the dude from Boyz n the Hood was his older brother.

- Oh, right. [Collective laughter]

- That's good. - Wait...

- Nobody believed him. - ...that would make Lisa a hood rat.

[Laughter]

- So much fun. - Okay.

- Ah, so... - You know what, come in.

What are we doing? We should have drinks.

- Do we have drinks? Let's have... - I was gonna suggest,

- a drink. - I was gonna suggest that.

- Come on. - Okay, go go go...

- ...go drink - Come have a seat, brotha. - Let's do it.

Wow, Tony the man.

- This is a lovely house you got here, brotha. - Oh thanks, man.

- Thanks. - What's up, baby?

- So Tony...I see you're in construction, huh?

How you know that?

I mean I just figured because we used to always work for your dad

- in the summertime, so - Oah!

- I thought you'd just follow suit. - Yeah.

Aw, man. Yeah, the back of my neck still look like cracked leather

from all them hot-ass summers.

Right. Right, I can see that.

[Laughter]

That's funny man, cause I was just thinkin' about that day when saved me from

fallin' off a old man Johnson's roof.

Ah, I forgot about that.

Yeah, you know. It is what it is, man. Look,

we was tight back in the day, man. They you just got ghost, what happened?

You know what they say? You get the call of duty.

- You must answer. - Mmm. The war, huh?

Ah a, I don't really want to talk about all that right now.

- So yeah, you know. - I fell that. I feel that.

But I was just about to go down to the barbershop. You wanna tag along? Meet the fellas?

Yeah, maybe I can get the back of my neck fixed.

Aah, they don't really fix much there, you know.

Go hang out and you know, talk shop.

- Yeah. - Might get a cut somewhere else after.

[Audience laughter]

[Instrumental Music]

You get outa here, 10-gallon head in a 5-pound bag.

[Audience laughter]

[Tony laughs] Hey everybody,

this is Ryan. Ryan, this everybody.

- Hey. - Ha ha, hey. - And this...

.. is the guy I was tell' ya about. That's Roger.

- This is his place. - Right, hey.

So you're the best barber in the whole city?

You damn right. I'm the one who kept Steve Harvey

crispy all through the night.

So, you think you can tighten me up? Maybe hook up my neck?

Come on man, no problem. Boy, any friend of Tone's...

is a friend of mine.

- Alright. - How you doin'?

[Sighs] Except Donnie.

Hey what's up, y'all? Y'all tryin' to get in on this a football pool real quick?

Oh yeah, count me in.

Huh, you want some of this?

Oh, no. I left all my illegal activities back in high school.

You mean you ain't purse snatchin' on mopeds no mo?

[Laughter]

Good one. But hey, seriously...when we wrap up here you think we could

swing by Best Box? I wanna get a new flat screen for my lady.

Flat screens? Well you know, they fall off the truck all the time around here.

All you gotta do is say the word.

No. I'm good on that too, but

I would like a little info on your connect.

Connect? Tone, who the hell is this old square peg in a round

face ass?

So what's up, Tone? Tryin' to get in this pool or what?

I need that money.

Man, don't even try it. I already gave you the cash.

Besides, you owe me as much as you be in my kitchen.

Hey, speakin' of which, how come you haven't restocked my favorite chips yet?

Hey, who this?

Ah, this is my man, Ryan.

- Waz up - And, anyway...

So look, I got 2 front row tickets

to the basketball game Friday. You in?

Hell, yeah! Man, how'd you score those?

Oh you know I got the street flush.

My hookup guy, man.

But you know, unless you're a too busy with your new friend Ryan, here.

Hey hey guys, it's okay. Trust me.

And Donnie...so, you're the guy who gets all the hookups?

2 for 5's, and 5 for 10's. All that, huh?

[Audience laughter]

Yeah. That's that's what they call me.

Dollar gettin' Donnie.

You know, what you need?

How about a little information?

I'm a detective.

[Audience gasps]

Right.

[Audience laughter]

And and I said to my street plug,

I I I will not take those tickets.

I am a tax payin', wholesome, law-abidin' citizen,

and I'm gonna pray for you on Sunday

at church, where I go on a regular basis.

Hallelujah. Praise ya. all of that, I'm I'm in there.

[Music sting]

[Instrumental Music]

Girl, I don't even know why you wastin' your time lookin' at all these fancy

dresses. You know Tony ain't gonna do nothin' but take you to the

Clam Bucket.

I just like online shopping, okay.

Is that a crime? Some people don't like to recycle their clothes.

[Laughter]

[Knocking]

Who the hell is that?

Our new neighbor. One of 'em.

Uh, how long have you known her that she can just traipse through your backyard like that?

This ain't Ferris Bueller's Day Off .

About 23, 24 hours.

I don't even get to knock at the backdoor.

You don't knock at any door.

Good morning, neighbor.

- Hi. - I tried knocking at the front door but no one answered.

Well did you try the doorbell, ding dong?

I um hope I'm not interrupting anything.

Come on in, Kira. My sister Laurie and I, were just doing a little online shopping.

Oh that sounds lovely. Well, too bad I can't do any of that anymore since

my husband put me on a budget.

- Oh. - What do you mean! put you on a budget?

Girl, last man put me on a budget, I put him on the curb.

In a clinic.

A no offense, but it's kind of a ah

married thing.

Well, a trust me, I do understand.

My last boyfriend was married too.

[Audience laughter]

Yeah. Well, you understand me, right, Lisa?

Come on. You're a housewife How do you find extra cash for the a

finer things in life?

Aaah hold up, somebody all nosy up in people's

space and business.

What's your name again?

Lori, be nice.

I am so sorry. My sister gets a little defensive

around new people.

So does my pit bull.

[Audience laughter]

But as I was saying, you know I I wanted to introduce myself

Um, hi I'm Kira and

- [Audience laughter] - And ah...nice to meet you. - We will see.

So anyway um, I was just takin' a look at this dress.

Whata y'all think?

Kira,

You know what, I think it's a little busy.

I agree.

That dress look like one of grandam's couch patterns.

Well I mean I personally think it's nostalgic.

- [Lori] Ha! - [Lisa] It's really cute.

- [Lori] Tell her. - Well yes...as I was saying,

it's busy but in all the right ways.

- You have excellent taste. - Oah.

Oh, the only thing is it's a bit pricey.

Oh yeah, well I mean a girl can dream, can't she?

Hmm.

Lisa, can I use your restroom please?

- Oh yeah. Right, right down the hall. - Over--

- Mm hm. - Thank you.

No problem.

Make sure you flush and turn on the vents.

And spray!

- Lori! - I don't like her, Lisa.

- You just met her. - I don't like her vibe.

She all flippy floppy.

- Oh, come on. She's harmless. - Yeah, well that's what they said about that

little old lady...rom Misery, Kathy Bates.

I couldn't help but notice your exquisite decor on my way to the restroom.

Oh, that's what it is. You blind.

You didn't tell me she was blind, Lisa.

I mean the only thing blinding me was that gorgeous vase in the hallway.

- Oh, that old thing. - You know what Lisa, I need to do a little shopping for the

house,... and could use a little company.

- Lunch on me? - Oh, sure!

Well since you're treating...

[Audience laughter]

I'll go on ahead and go wit ch'all.

Let me go get my purse.

Well never mind, lunch on you.

Lunch on me. Yay.

[Instrumental Music]

This is unbelievable, Tone. Absolutely unacceptable.

I don't like it, man. I don't like it.

Okay, I don't like you pacin' back and forth in front of the

TV while you tryin' to watch the game, man.

Sit your ass down.

Or what? You're gonna tell your little cop friend, Ha-Ryan Five-O.

Okay. So I have a friend that's a detective, what's the big deal?

The big deal is he's not a detective, man.

Okay, Inspector Gadget is a detective.

Dick Tracy is a detective.

[Audience laughter]

Hell, Ice-T is a detective.

[Audience laughter]

Ryan ain't even got a cool hat or a New York accent.

I just want him out the neighborhood, Tone.

You want him out the neighborhood, why?

This ain't your neighborhood. You don't even live here.

Look...don't you get it, man?

He's tryin' to get close to you so he can take you down.

Okay? He probably tryin' to get you for that illegal cable you got.

Okay. First of all, I don't have illegal cable, you do.

Facts!

Well you know, maybe he's tryin' to get you for not payin' your back taxes.

Okay first of all, he's not the IRS.

And secondly, I pay my taxes. You don't.

You wanna say it a little bit louder?

Look man, how can I pay my taxes if I don't have a job, Tone?

Hmm?

I just realized he's tryin' to get close to you so he can take me down.

Ugh, they always try to come after the subordinates before they take out the big boss.

I don't feel safe here anymore, Tone.

Good. Does that mean you're gonna leave me alone so I can go watch my game in peace?

Nah it just means I don't want my fingerprints around here anymore.

[Audience laughter]

Knock knock.

Ah hah!

You see that, Tone? It's a raid, man.

He's comin' through and he's gonna bring the batterin' ram and knock down all your walls.

[Chuckles] I come in peace.

Actually, Lisa let me in.

Yeah yeah, likely story.

- What's up, man? - Waz up?

Nothing's much going on. I just actually came by

[Audience laughter]

I just wanted to invite you and Lisa to dinner.

[Tony] Mm. Hey man, that sounds like a plan.

This is a nice suit. This is very nice.

[Audience laughter]

[Laughter] We'd love to.

Now a Lisa and Kira, they did go shoppin' earlier and if I know my wife,

I'm sure she picked out somethin' perfect for tonight.

I just hope she keeps a tag on it so we can return it.

Right on.

- Waz up? - My man.

- Guess I'll see you both tonight. - Alright, brotha.

Tony.

Donald.

[Audience laughter]

Detective Beige.

[Audience laughter]

[Instrumental Music]

Tony, can you put a blazer on? We're going to a nice restaurant,

not doin' background in an Usher Remind Me video.

[Audience laughter]

Look first of all, ain't nobody worried about how I look.

They're there for the food.

And young people don't wear suits no more. Don't try to age me, woman.

Well I think all men should wear suits on certain occasions.

Okay, there's just somethin' about a man in a nice suit.

Wish muscles and shoulders.

But mainly, mainly a nice suit.

Look you only wear suits on 3 occasions,

funerals, weddings, and to go see the O'Jay's.

Well Tony, you need to take a page out of Ryan and the O'Jay's book,

and wear a suit!

Ryan dresses like a youth pastor past his prime,

and the only book that I'm takin' a page out of is the bible, amen.

Woa, I just had a revelation.

Either you wear the suit and the jacket, or you gonna spend a cold night on this couch.

Want me to put a tie on with it? Cause I can I can do that.

Yeah, how about that.

[Audience laughter]

You know it's funny, everyone's been actin' weird ever since Ryan's been around.

Especially at the barbershop, including Donnie.

That's weird. Ryan seems like a nice guy.

Yeah, I don't know why they trippin'? Cops are people too.

Yeah, I mean he seems like good people. You know and actually

really enjoy hanging out with Kira.

Oh, well aren't y'all the best of friends.

I would gladly trade in both your sisters for her.

[Laughter] Oh gosh.

Don't say that to Lori. She cannot stand Kira.

And then she'll finally get to understand what I've been goin' through

with alien and predator my whole marriage.

[Audience laughter]

You...[Laughter] [Doorbell rings]

[Audience laughter]

- Hey. - Hey, okay. - Hello.

[Laughter]

[Instrumental Music]

[Instrumental Music]

She got different shoes than you.

Ah, come on in.

Hey girl, hey!

Um...why do you have on my dress?

Oh I'm sorry. I had no idea Nada designed this dress specifically for you?

Nada? Whose got Nada money? Na-da I.

[Audience Laughter] Oh really?

I thought a man like you would be able to.

Look, I didn't really like the dress when we were shopping, but it kinda grew on me.

So I went back and got one too. You know I didn't want a

buyer's remorse.

But I wanted to be the cute one tonight.

[Sighs] Lisa look, I'm sorry.

How was I supposed to know you would wear the same dress tonight?

I told you we never go out. When else would I wear it?

[Audience laughter]

Baby, don't worry. You are the cut one no matter what dress you're wearin'. Alright?

Lisa look, if it matters to you, I will go back to the house and change right now.

Wait wait wait. No, no you won't.

We got reservations in 30 minutes and you know there's always traffic on La Cienega.

- Okay, okay. - Let's go.

Eh eh eh it it's fine. Let's just, let's just go.

- Okay...or maybe you could just put your jacket on. - Okay.

Ah, twinsies!

- Twinsies. - Button it up all the way, maybe.

You look good, baby.

More like a single black female.

[Instrumental Music]

Are you finally ready to tell me what's been botherin' you since dinner?

- It's nothin', Lisa. - I should be the one that's upset.

Heffer stole my dress.

Donnie was right.

- Ooh, has hell frozen over? What was Donnie right about. - [Jay sighs]

Ryan was usin' me.

Oh he was usin' you?

Hm, you ordered a lobster tail platter on his tab.

Yeah well he owes me that and a lot more.

Tony, what did he do?

He's under the impression that one of my clients are laundering money through my company.

You remember Mr. Charles?

Yeah. The the nice little man?

with the leather wooded hand, and the funny lookin' head?

And the shiny wooden leg? - Mm hm.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

They call him Woodchuck now.

Uh, apparently he's got some real dirty money

bein' cleaned through my company.

- Really? - Yeah.

And Ryan wants me to be an informant to give him some intel.

Tony, this sounds serious.

Could we be in trouble?

Oh no no no. Don't worry. Don't worry. I'd never let anything happen to my family.

I just have to man up. Tell 'em look, even though I'm I I moved out the hood,

- Mm hm. Mm hm. - I still.

Tony, we live in the suburbs.

Chu, I'm from the hood. You better ask about Sweetpea.

I I just feel like,

I feel like....he actin' like a...look, I ain't gonna say it.

I ain't gonna say the b word. I'm gonna say, unstable creature.

You know, he tryin' to test my manhood.

Tryin' to turn me into a snake.

Hmm.

You need to shut up.

- You know Tony, let me tell you somethin'. - [Tony chuckles]

It might be unpopular opinion, but you should cooperate with this man.

- It's gonna all work out. - [Tony sighs]

Alright.

- Eh eh, bottom line...Ryan has overstepped. - Mm hm.

What are we gonna do about the Jones'?

I don't know.

Let's just sleep on it, if you know what I mean.

[Audience laughter]

[Instrumental Music]

- I hope he's not here. - Ah...No, of course he is.

- [Lori laughs] - He works.

You know Lisa, it goes against everything I believe in but

I think I'm a go ahead and help out Ryan.

Ooh, was it somethin' I said or somethin' I did last night to you?

- [Lori gags] - Both.

[Audience laughter]

I feel I have to do my civic duty.

Plus, I don't wanna be charged as an accomplice.

Go on, get your snitch on.

[Doorbell rings]

That's probably Ryan.

I told him to come over here so we can talk in person.

Rather that than him tryin' to tap my phone lines, you feel me.

Hey.

Hello. Hi, everyone.

Tony. [Throat clears]

- Hi, everybody. - Hi.

- Tony. - Mm.

I wasn't expecting you to call me based on

everything that went down the other night.

Yeah. I wanted to talk to you about that. Man, I

I ain't gonna lie. I felt like you was puttin' me on the spot tryin' to get me to

go against the code. You know, turn me into your own little

private Pookie.

It was either that or the pokie.

- Lori. - No, no, no. She's right.

I feel that it is my civic duty

to help out local law enforcement crack down on crime.

- Okay. - I used to be president of the neighborhood watch.

- Really? - Yes, sir.

Ah, well that's very kind of you, Tony.

But your help is no longer needed.

Say what?

We actually apprehended our suspect this morning.

- Okay. - So, Tony...

- thank you for your service. - Thank you.

Ah'd, we , who's we?

- Me and Jackie. - And who is Jackie?

- [Lisa] Yeah, I'm sorry. - This is Jackie.

I don't understand what's goin' on here. You got some explainin' to do, Lyin' Ryan.

- Go ahead. - Well [Laughs]...

well I guess now that we've made an arrest, we can tell the truth.

We are both undercover detectives.

Oh hell, no.

Hot fuzz.

Okay so what, you mean like a husband and wife team?

- Ah yeah, no. Um.... - Ah...no.

actually we're not married.

That was all just part of our cover.

[Lori laughs]

I'm sorry ma'am, but I am married to the streets.

[Audience laughter]

[Laughs] And honestly I could never be married to someone like Ryan.

- Hey. - This dude wears suits on his days off.

Look, the only times you're supposed to wear a suit are for weddings,

funerals, or when you're goin' to see the O'Jay's.

Ah, friend...

- Go on. - Well I know it, girl!

- [Squealing] - Okay wait wait so so

you guys aren't really our neighbors then?

Um, not actually. We were usin' that house for a stakeout.

- Huh. - They wanted me to keep an eye on you, Tony.

- But I knew you didn't have anything

- ...to do with the money laundering. - Okay.

Okay, well there's that I guess. Thank you.

Yeah, that still doesn't excuse the fact that you stole my dress.

Yeah, about that. Um, one of my hobbies

is running an ugly dress account on Funstagram.

Sorry.

I told ya that dress looked like grandma's couch. [Laughter]

- Lisa...that dress was ugly as hell. - [Lisa clears throat]

[Audience laughter]

Mean.

I'm sorry. But, it was good catching up with you.

And I'm sorry it had to be this way, Tony.

Alright, alright. So a...what now?

- Um on to the next case. - On to the next case.

Apparently there are some con artists using some new media platform

to launder money from overseas.

- Hm. - I guess this time we can go undercover as what?

[Together] Actors.

[Laughter] Ah, this is gonna be great.

Come on, Jackie.

- Bye guys, thank you. - See ya later. - Alright.

Stay out of trouble.

- [Tony] Alright, hey - [Ryan] Let's go.

Yeah, I guess he's still Lyin' Ryan.

[Instrumental Music]

[Instrumental Music]

Oh, what is that, somethin' Kira left behind?

Okay see, now I'm tryin' to be sexy,

and you about to shut down the party before it even starts.

Now if you had to go undercover, who would you be?

Hm. I'd probably be a famous kingpin with a hot, sexy ass

wife and a huge villa in Miami.

Mm, but it wouldn't be your real wife.

Whose fantasy is this?

Anyway, I'd be well known all over the globe.

and everybody would come to see the great Tone Corleone.

[Laughter] You ridiculous, Tony.

That's why you married me. Now, what would you be?

I'd be a famous fashion model

so I could wear all the fancy dresses and clothes that I want.

- [Laughter] - Well you know you already look like a detective

so let me take you undercover.

As a matter of fact, if you do that thing I like,

- Ooh. - ...you might be one step closer to that new dress.

Tony!

The thing I like is cookin'. Can you go make some food please?

- Ah, Tony. - Yeah, just a like a steak or somethin'.

My blood pressure's low. Just

A just, just a little somethin'...and a shake.

[Audience laughter]

[Instrumental Music]