Original subtitles

[Instrumental Music]

What's goin' on, Rachel?

Have you seen this?

What, what what what what?

Earthquake in Philippines kills thousands.

Oh my God. This is terrible!

No. Earthquake is a comedian. He killed.

[Audience laughter]

I'm talkin' about today's horoscope.

Really? Really, Rachel? You're all worked up over a horoscope?

- Girl. - No, but look. It says Gemini...

the moon is not on your side today.

Trust no one.

Beware, all.

[Audience laughter]

Wow.

Wow is right.

Spooky stuff.

No. No, wow as in I

can't believe you really still believe in astrology.

I mean what does that even mean anyway?

The moon is not on your side.

The moon is just a big rock in space.

[Scoffs] The moon is just a big rock in space?

Lisa, you sound so ignorant right now.

How do you explain tides?

The moon's gravity.

Oh okay. So you believe the moon can control these big ass

oceans but they can't control people's moods and emotions?

Yes.

Uh mm. See two weeks ago, my horoscope told me

to look forward.

So I stopped textin' and drivin' and I avoided a car crash.

Huh, how do you explain that, Lisa?

You shouldn't be texting while driving anyway, Rachel,

whether or not your horoscope tells you to.

Girl, I'm not playin' witchu.

Whatever Faithless Evans.

[Audience laughter]

Let's see yours.

Um Leo, Leo, Leo, if the flow has stopped, be

open to new ways of seeing the world.

See? Be open to new ways of seeing the world. It's telling you to be

open to Astrology.

Yeah, what about the, if the flow has stopped part?

Hey Lisa, the a toilet's clogged up.

Oh, I see the plumber's already here.

[Audience laughter]

Oh I look like a plumber, but you the one shaped like the bottom of a plunger.

- Not look, but you smell like-- - Shut your mouth, Tony.

[Audience laughter]

- Flow has stopped. - Yeah, it's a coincidence.

Mm mm. Mm mm. There's somethin' to this stuff.

Now I'm a loan you my zodiac book so you can read up on it on your own.

What are you two yackin' about?

Horoscopes. I'm tryin' to get Lisa into Astrology.

Oh really? Well let me see mine.

Oh, [Scoffs] I didn't know you were into this, Tony.

Oh sure. Let me check this out.

Libra. Yeah. [Clears throat]

Stick with your convictions.

Ah, even though your family has lost they damn minds, horoscopes are

- ...still complete-- - [Lisa and Rachel] Shut up, Tony!

[Audience laughter]

[Theme Music]

* Woke up and my wife said to me *

* The bill collectors want their fees *

* The kids keep talkin' back to me *

* Family Time

* Family Time. Family Time

* Family Time. Waa aah woa oah oah oah yeah *

[Instrumental Music]

[Door opens]

Oh hey, there's my little Capricorn.

- Capricorn? - Yep. Responsible, honest, disciplined.

Yep. That's my wonderful Capricorn daughter.

That's my baby.

Ooh Mrs. Stallworth, you're reading horoscopes?

What's it say about me?

Oh wait. Okay, don't tell me.

You are a... Pisces?

No.

- A Leo? - Nope.

What? Okay wait, don't tell me now.

Are you...what, a Scorpio?

No. I'm an Aires.

Oh. Okay, that explains it. That's why I don't like you.

What was that, Mrs. Stallworth?

Oh I said that that that's exactly why I like you.

I like you too. And by the way, you look great for

-six-- - Sixteen, Mom.

It looks like we could be sisters.

Yeah, my older sister.

[Audience laughter]

Um...Mom, me and Alissa were just about to go upstairs and do some homework.

Yeah yeah. You better tell your little friend here to watch her mouth.

Aires horoscope says there's a strong chance

for an ass whoopin' today.

Ya know I love ya Mrs. Stallworth.

Yeah, I wish your mama woulda loved birth control.

[Audience laughter] Sixty? [Scoffs]

Your mama's sixty.

[Instrumental Music]

Wow, this is fascinating.

What is? Uah.

Lisa, you do know that that stuff is all made up?

All they do is write something vague that can be interpreted in many different ways.

You don't see any truth in it. Lu look,

Let's look at your horoscope, okay.

Ah, Libra.

The sun is setting, but has not yet set.

You may be presented with an interesting

business opportunity.

Baby, I'm in construction.

Everyday, I may be presented with an interesting business proposition,

whether the sun sets or not, which it does everyday.

Nope, I don't know, Tony. I'd be particularly alert at work if I were you.

Okay, read Aquarius.

Umm, Aquarius.

The storms have stopped. Maybe you should try reaching out to someone you haven't

spoken to in a long time.

See? I'm not even an Aquarius.

I'm a Libra with Scorpio tendencies,

which means I'm tough but ticklish.

And it's always a good idea to reach out to somebody that you haven't spoken to in a while.

When's the last time you spoken to my mama?

Why don't you give her a call. She would love to hear from you, Tony.

Last time I spoke to your mama,

she flew away and left them two pet guerrillas, Lori and Rachel.

[Audience laughter]

Very funny, Tony.

Did you know though that the zodiac is not just about your daily horoscope?

It also tells you which signs your compatible with.

Okay, I don't like where this is goin'.

Mm hm. It says that a relationship between Leos and Libras

often leads to a future with marriage and kids.

You need a horoscope to tell you that you're married with kids?

Honey, okay it also says a lot of positive things about our dynamic.

You know? Like we have the same shared values

and a lot of sexual chemistry.

Okay. Now that's what I'm talkin' about.

Now let's go through our star signs, girl.

But, it also says that we don't often

communicate well, and have a little bit of trust issues.

Alright, fine. I'll communicate better.

Tony, I'm serious.

Don't you wonder why we argue so much sometimes?

Okay, you show me a married couple that doesn't argue

and I'll show you two happily divorced singles.

[Audience laughter]

Says here that Virgos and Taurus are

fairly compatible.

Okay, well then let's roll play. I'll be the

strong, brave Taurus and you can be the sweet, sexy Virgo.

Why don't...

[Audience laughter] [Instrumental Music]

Alright. So basically all of the cost of building a new bathroom

in your home, come down to...this.

Oh wow. That's a little bigger than I'd hoped.

Is there anyway you could play in the ballpark of this?

For that, you can buy a porta potty and put it in your backyard.

[Audience laughter]

Please, Mr. Stallworth. I mean,

my wife and I bought a small house many years ago and

now, I gotta share a bathroom with my teenage kids. I need

another bathroom.

You need to add a zero to that number.

Look, I don't envy you, brother. I have two teenage

kids myself. I've seen their bathroom.

So much hair.

Uah, it's like living with St. Bernards.

Oh you know my sister-in-laws?

[Laughter] Ah, listen. Unfortunately brother, I just can't help you.

You know with all the cost of plumbing and permits,

I'd simply loose money.

Well, I appreciate you taking the time to provide me with an estimate.

- Have a great day. - You too.

Hey look, maybe one day you'll get a raise. When you do,

come on down here and see me. You know where I'm at.

Oh I very much doubt that.

The print industry is dying. Can't see my paper givin' me a raise.

You're a journalist? Wow. You know, I always thought I'd make a good journalist.

Goin' undercover, gettin' the scoop.

Ah, nothin' excitin' like that. I just write the daily horoscope.

- Ah, goodbye. - Ya, weh weh weh, where you goin'?

What's the rush, brotha?

Sit down. Sit down.

Wait, you write the horoscope?

- Yeah. - Ah, you know yesterday you wrote

that I a Libra, would have a very interesting business opportunity.

Ah, you're familiar with my work?

Very. Very. You know what, I think this is that interesting business proposition.

In fact...I accept.

I will build you a second bathroom at the cost you want.

But you'd loose money.

I sure would.

Now how about you do somethin' for me?

Anything.

My wife is a little too involved with your column, so how about you

let me help you write

her horoscope for her, huh?

[Audience gasps] No! Absolutely not.

I mean, I can't toy around with the sacred zodiac.

I mean it would be disrespectful to my readers, and to the stars themselves.

Okay. Alright. Well, it was good to meet you. You know, good luck livin' with them sacred arts.

[Sighs] This will probably come back and bite me,

but in a classic Scorpio fashion, I accept.

[Laughter] That's right. Alright, sit down. This is what I was thinkin'.

Tell her her sisters are ugly,

alright? Always ugly as hay. That's a horoscope thing.

[Instrumental Music]

Good morning, ladies.

Hurry up with that paper, already.

Alright, real news for me. Fake hair, I mean fake news for you.

Give, give gi gi give

Leo,

you've always been led by fire. Maybe now, it's time to cool off.

You've been focused a lot on yourself, and maybe now it's time to put that energy

into a loved one.

Mmm, that's interesting.

Interesting? I think it's damn wrong.

You do everything for this family.

I would not listen to no paper. Don't ever change, baby.

I don't know, Tony. Maybe this is right.

I mean I've been so wrapped up in these horoscopes,

I wonder if I've been neglectin' the kids?

- Or you? - What? No, you are the best wife a man could ever ask...

for. I love you just the way you are.

Aww. Thank you, baby.

That's my baby. Okay, a let's ready yours. Libra.

Life has been hard.

Time to rest. Put your feet up and let them take care of you.

That's a weird coincidence.

That's all it is. Just a coincidence.

I'm not gonna have no paper tell me that my wife's neglectin' me

and I need to be taken care of. Come on.

You sure, honey?

- Could I tempt you with a foot rub? - Well, if you insist.

[Audience laughter]

Mm, that's it right there. Ooh yes girl, right there. Mm.

That's, wow!

Mm, I'm glad I didn't eat breakfast. I'd be throwin' it up right now.

What's yours say?

Oh um...Gemini.

You've been spending too much time at your family's house.

You ain't gotta go home, but get the hell up outa here?

[Audience laughter]

That's oddly specific.

Oh wow, it really says that, huh?

I've been way too hard on these horoscopes. See now that one is spot on.

This don't seem right.

No, no. Now Rachel, you can't pick and choose the ones you like and the

ones you don't like.

Yeah. He he's right, now.

Very Gemini of you to think that you're smarter than everyone else.

I mean if the stars say you should spend less time with your family, maybe you should

spend less time with your family.

Are you, are you kickin' me out?

I'm not. The stars are.

There's a full moon tonight too, Rachel. You better go before that hair starts

growin' on your back, Teen Wolf.

Sorry, sis.

[Instrumental Music]

[Doorbell rings]

Hey Alissa, what's up?

Can we talk?

Sure. Come on in.

[Door shuts]

What's wrong?

I think my parents are getting a divorce.

And with all the arguing, I just can't be there right now.

Can I...stay here?

For how long?

Ah you now, a few days. Or a week or

until we leave for college.

College? Girl please, you ain't gettin' into college.

Oh my bad, girl. Did I say that out loud?

Look, you can stay here for a couple a days

but we can't let my parents know because you know my mom wouldn't like it.

Girl, you know your mama love me,

she just be doin' that in front of you so you don't get jealous.

Right.

Look, I'm sorry, Alissa. I wouldn't know what to do if my parents were

talkin' about getting a divorce.

It feels horrible. Like I'm

the problem. So I just ran out the house and didn't know where else to go.

So if they did split up, who would you stay with?

Um, definitely my daddy

because he got money!

But for the time being, I'm gonna stay with you.

Did your mama cook?

[Instrumental Music]

For my favorite, most darling husband,

I prepared for you a feast of pot roast, collard greens, mashed potatoes.

baked beans. And for dessert, I'll take you upstairs--

Oh heh hey, Ebony.

How you doin', baby?

Great, actually. I'm in the middle of studying. Do you mind if I have dinner in my room?

Of course, sweetheart.

[Phone vibrating.] Oh, [Clears throat] hello.

Yes. This is she.

Ah I haven't, but let me ask Ebony. She's right here.

Ebony, ah this is Alissa's mom. Have you seen her?

Ah no, not since high school,

where I see her everyday

at high school. Um, did I say that already?

I'm in high school.

Ah yeah, no. She she actually hasn't but

if I hear anything, I will definitely let you know.

Okay, bah bye.

Thanks for dinner. Bye!

Oh she seems hungry.

That's just a growin' girl. So listen, about that

dessert, I am very excited for the bedroom portion, but

is there actual dessert too?

Oh yeah, there's a little suhim' suhim'.

Is there cake? Tell me there's cake.

You know where the cake is.

[Laughter] Oh that's right. How about pie? Is there pie?

[Audience laughter]

[Instrumental Music]

Chow time, prisoner.

What is it?

Soul food. Now this how you keep a man.

[Audience laughter]

Good. Better than them hard grits your mama made this mornin'.

Okay look, you're at my house.

Technically it's your daddy's house.

Oh, speakin' of parents, yours just called. You know, I can have them come pick you up.

[Audience laughter]

Nah. Let's...

That's what I thought. Now get back under that bed.

[Music Sting]

[Instrumental Music]

Lisa, got the horoscopes for ya.

- Oah. - Gracias.

Leo, as the seasons and tides change,

so might you be temped to.

But don't change. Stand still

and continue how you've been.

[Laughter] Ah, it says that.

That is interesting. Well, you heard the horoscopes. Another foot rub?

Well, that would be my

pleasure.

- Oh I got you - Stay away...

from his feet.

Rachel, what's up?

Yeah, girl. What you doin' here? Didn't your horoscope tell you to go choke yourself?

You right. It did. It literally said, Gemini,

go choke yourself.

Tony, how did you know that?

Oh, ah because I read it when I picked it up outside, and you know I don't want to

disappoint the universe. Get to choke.

[Audience laughter]

- Shut your lyin' ass up. I'll tell you how he knew. - How?

Get in here!

[Audience gasps]

I'm sorry, Tony. She beat it out of me.

Wait, what does Karl Winslow have to do with this?

[Audience laughter]

This is the man who's been writing the horoscopes. Or at least he

was until Tony started writin' them for him.

Tony, come on, now. Is this true?

I knew somethin' was off about the horoscopes so I marched down to the newspaper office

and made him confess.

I'm sorry. I just needed that new bathroom.

My son is discoverin' himself.

[Audience laughter]

Tony, of all the low, low,

low things to do.

I'm sorry, baby. But I'm a Libra and we're self-centered.

And I'm about to self-center my foot up our behind.

Yes, I took a bribe, but it doesn't matter.

I mean, I just make up those horoscopes everyday anyway.

[Audience gasps] What? - See, I knew it.

I honestly just write whatever pops into my head.

Leo women are known to forgive and forget.

Open your heart today.

I'm a Gemini.

Gemini's are known to turn the other cheek.

Well I have two sides, so what's my other side tellin' you?

- To give me a head start? - Mm hm. Mm hm.

[Screaming]

Wha? Aah, Lisa...hi.

Ah I'm Denise,

- ...Elizabeth's mom. - Oh, nice to finally meet you in person.

Is everything okay?

Well, I traced Alissa's phone to your house.

I mean, are you sure she's not here?

Ebony says she hasn't seen her.

Ah, maybe Alissa left her phone here.

Ebony! Ebony.

Ebony!!!

[Knocking] Ebony.

One second.

[Audience laughter]

Okay, you can come in.

Ebony honey hey, Alissa's mother is downstairs.

Did she leave her phone here?

No, I don't think so.

Huh, so you haven't seen her?

Nope, not since high school,

which we go to together.

Alright, I'm sorry. It's coming from in here.

Alissa, you better show your face.

You've got until the count of 3.

One, three.

[Audience laughter]

Hey, girl. Where did you come from? I thought you was at high school,

which we go to, together.

Mama, hey!

When did you get here? Oh, you look great

By the way, did you exfoliate? You got the freckles.

Explain yourself.

Okay, fine. I overheard you and dad arguing,

and I thought you guys were getting a divorce because of me so

I came here and Ebony's like my best friend and

Lisa's like a second mom to me.

I wouldn't go that far.

Honey, your father and I have been worried sick about you.

No stupid argument we have could ever be more important than you.

So you're not getting divorced?

No!

So I'm not in trouble!

No.

Yes...so much trouble.

[Audience laughter]

Okay well thank you so much for your help, Ebony, but I guess I won't be seeing

you for a few weeks.

Oh, try a few months.

That's fair.

Thanks, Lisa. Now if you'll excuse me,

I have a child to punish.

Yeah, that makes two of us.

- Let's go. - Alright.

Hug it out.

You'll be fine.

Say goodbye's.

Mm mm mm mm.

Mm mm uhm mm mm.

What do you have to say for yourself?

Okay, I'm sorry I lied, but you always say look out for my friends.

Yeah. Yeah I do. Honestly though, I'm just

I'm more upset that you didn't feel like you could come to me

about Alissa's situation and tell me.

I woulda let her stay.

Really? I didn't think you liked her.

I mean I'm not her biggest fan but

I'm always willin' to help somebody in need, especially if it's somebody you care about.

Thanks, Mom. I'll keep that in mind.

So considering I was helping out a friend,

can you only ground me for one week?

I'll see your one week,

and raise you a month!

[Audience laughter]

[Instrumental Music]

[Instrumental Music]

Oh ho ho ho hoo, yes.

Yeah, that's right, Tony. Dig in there.

Don't be shy. Come on!

Yeah. That feels good. Thank you, baby.

Baby, it's been over an hour. How much longer?

Until I'm not mad anymore.

How long is that?

Every question you ask adds 15 minutes so...

[Audience laughter]

You guys wanna hear today's horoscopes?

No thank you. I am done with horoscopes.

Actually, I'm down to hear mine.

Okay.

Libra,

great things will come to you if you

fix my bathroom at a fraction of the cost?

So much hair.

What kind of horoscope is that?

The stars are out of line, and so is his budget.

[Instrumental Music]