Original subtitles

[Instrumental Music]

Devin, what about biology?

You can learn about animals and plants.

[Snoring]

If I wanted to sleep, I don't need a college class for that. I have

a very comfortable bed in my room.

Till you start payin' rent, you don't have a room in my house.

Uh, I've got your little money for your little rent.

- Oh? - You might want to buy yourself a better shirt too.

[Audience laughter]

How much you need?

19 years worth. This'll do.

So what y'all lookin' at?

Oh, pickin' out Devin's classes.

Aoh, let me help with that.

Alright. Yeah, let me find somethin' you're good at up in here.

Alright how about a layin' around the house all day?

Yeah yeah you'd be real good at that one. Eatin' up all my food.

That's a good one. Mm, cloggin' up my toilet.

You can really excel in that, man. Yeah, you can get a PhD in bummin' and slummin'.

Okay, so I made a couple of mistakes and got myself put on academic probation.

But it's not that bad.

Not that bad? Criminals get probation but they still criminal.

My son is not a criminal, Tony.

And his junior college credits will transfer over when he goes back.

What about this class? Intro to Harry Potter.

I love Harry Potter.

So now you wanna be a wizard, huh?

You talkin' about that little near-sighted boy wavin' a stick

around with little sparkles comin' out of it?

That ain't nothin' but the tooth fairy.

It's a literature class, Tony. Harry Potter is a well respected book series.

If I'm payin' for my boy to go to college, he better be readin' some Hemingway.

Alright ah a Shakespeare, Mark Twain, Tupac.

Are you puttin' Tupac with Mark Twain?

You damn right. Pac was a poet.

Not like these mumble rappers these days.

Please. Like you could understand what James Brown was sayin'?

Aaah, movin' up, groovin' up.

[Doorbell rings]

Hey, James Brown could dance, right?

We didn't have to hear what he was sayin'.

[Chuckles] He could....

[Audience laughter]

[Door opens]

- Hey. - Hey!

- Hey, Viv. - Hey Lisa, just returning your Tupperware.

Lasagna was delicious, but I overate and have been backed up for days.

Oh, that's too much information. Why don't you back up for days?

Oh Devin, you're takin' college classes?

Well I remember really excelling in intro to beer pong and

advanced making out with frat boys.

Hey, my son ain't gonna be drinkin' no damn beer pongs

or makin' out with no frat boys.

- He means did you take any real classes? - Um...

ooh, I did great at managerial accounting.

And that's how you and Martha Stewart became cellmates.

- Dad? - Yeah.

Boy, that ain't a secret.

Google it.

Show him one of the jail tats.

[Theme Music]

* Woke up and my wife said to me *

* the bill collectors want their fees *

* The kids keep talkin' back to me *

* Family Time

* Family Time. Family Time

* Family Time. Waa aah woa oah oah oah yeah *

[Instrumental Music]

I'm so happy to have my family back together again.

Even if it does mean that Devin is on academic probation.

So what are you gonna do when

Devin goes back to school and I go off to college?

Cry, eat ice cream, catch up on The Young and The Restless.

[Audience laughter]

What about you, Dad? What are you gonna do?

I'm a celebrate.

And by celebrate, I mean walkin' around the house in my draws.

Gross, Dad.

Oh you call it gross, I call it freedom.

Devin, how are your classes going?

Actually, really cool.

Junior college is so easy.

Okay, slow your roll, boy. You haven't even had a test yet.

It's different this time, Dad.

I'm actually really tryin', especially in my intro to social justice and consciousness class.

Did you guys know that even though slavery's over,

racism and oppression still exist?

[Audience laughter]

Nah, we didn't know that Devin.

Leave him alone, Tony.

Honey, I'm glad you're learning something.

Yeah. I used to think learnin' was just memorizin' stuff,

but actually it's kinda like seein' the world in a different way or somethin'.

You know I never did the whole college thing myself but

correct me if my math is wrong. Seems to me that

Devin plus liking school equals...

there must be a girl you like in class.

Oh Tony, that is so condescending.

Our son is taking an interest in school and you think it's because he has a

crush in some girl?

- [Lisa laughs] - Yeah, Dad. I don't have a crush on some girl.

I have a crush on the girl.

Told ya.

Let me guess, she's on academic probation too?

No. Actually, she's really smart.

And caked up too.

- Up top, Dad. - That's what I'm talkin' about. - Don't you dare...

high-five your son on that.

Man code, baby. I can't leave him hangin'. Come on.

- [Tony chuckles] - Okay, you're both gross.

So, what are you kids goin' steady?

[Audience laughter]

Daddy, Mom, this is not 1950.

Yeah mom, we say hookin' up.

Oh yeah well my son will not be hookin' anything up.

Yeah and only thing my daughter better be hookin' up is her phone to a charger.

[Audience laughter]

We're not putting labels on anything right now.

We're just doing with the flow.

I need you to flow into those books, okay.

And if you really like the girl, just invite her over for dinner tonight.

- Okay. - Aaah, I don't know.

What's a matter? You think we'll embarrass you?

I mean Dad you were just talkin' about walkin' around in just your draws.

[Audience laughter]

I meant after. After you kids move out.

If I make sure your dad wears his pants,

will you invite your little mystery girl over?

Alright. I'll think about it.

Good. Oh Ebony baby, I'm sorry. We've been so focused

on Devin's classes, I haven't asked you how your stuff is goin'. Did you

decide on a topic for your report?

Yep, savin' the environment.

You mean you have to write a whole report on why the black bin

is for trash and the blue bin is for recycling.

[Audience laughter]

Woa. we're segregatin' the trash bins?

Segregation is not chill.

Oh honey, yeah. I'm proud of you for trying but just

you know, that's not what segregation is.

How is it not?

The bins stand together. Separate, but equal

And why the black one gotta be for the trash?

[Audience laughter]

Okay Devin Luther King, I had a dream that you took out the trash.

How about that?

Ah, now!

Before I turn into Malcom X and take off this belt and whoop you by any means necessary.

Oh.

[Instrumental Music]

Ah...hey, Mom.

What's for dinner?

Ah since Devin's little lady friend is comin' tonight, I wanted to go all out.

We got the mashed potatoes, the greens,

pork chops. Your dad's got steaks on the grill.

I'm sorry. That sounds disgusting.

Excuse me, young lady.

You think it's okay to eat meat?

Ebony, the way you were eatin' that bacon this mornin',

I thought you were a bacoterian.

What are you talkin' about?

Where is all this comin' from? You've been eatin' meat your entire life.

You've been feeding me meat my whole life.

Yes, it's called providing for your child.

I think the words you're looking for are thank you.

You know, I've been workin' on a report and did you know that

meat consumption is a huge part of global warming?

I can't witchu right now. I'm not gonna do this.

[Audience laughter]

Devin, why are you givin' me the vibes of a Jamaican con man?

[Audience laughter]

Pork chops? Mom, are you serious?

Don't you know pigs can feel emotions just like you and me?

Can you tell what emotion I'm feelin' right now?

[Audience laughter]

Mm hm. Got them steaks hot off the grill. Who's ready?

Eh Devin ah, why you lookin' like a Nigerian businessman?

- Eatin' animals is immoral. - Right. why would you even eat....

- If we had a pet dog, - ...eat animals and

- a pet cat, we wouldn't be eatin' them. - ...be petting [Indistinct].

- Could do that. [Knocking] - Oh, thank God.

Can we stop arguing now that the guest is here?

[Knocking continues] Please?

Tssh. Ridiculous.

Hi.

Hi, you must be Lisa.

I'm...

Candle-light.

Oh well Candlelight. That's an interesting name.

Devin, I would've made more food if you told me your girlfriend's

older sister was comin'.

Ah...

no. I'm Devin's girlfriend.

It's so great to meet you.

[Instrumental Music]

[Instrumental Music]

[Audience laughter]

[Laughter continues]

So um, Candlelight,

is that your birth name?

No, my mother named me Sarah.

Well isn't that a beautiful name.

It's biblical, written by a bunch of men.

Also known as The Apostles.

And I wanted to choose my own

female-empowered name.

[Audience laughter]

Which is Candlelight?

So, how'd you two meet?

Well, Ms. Candlelight was my teacher's assistant

in my "Social Justice and Consciousness" class

Devin baby, we're dating now.

You don't have to call me Ms. Candlelight anymore.

I'm sorry, Ms. Candle-- Candlelight.

[Audience laughter]

So Devin was your star pupil?

Quite the opposite,

probably the worst student I've ever seen.

But I continued to go to her

office hours.

And we just really hit it off.

[Giggling]

Please have more food, would you?

You kids are hardly eating. Just, please have some more.

I told you Mom, eating meat is wrong.

Ah if eatin' meat is wrong, then I don't want to be right.

I did the research. Livestock is responsible for 15% of

global greenhouse gas emissions.

That's half.

I said 15, not 50.

That's a third.

[Audience laughter]

Ebony, the whole world eats meat.

This family continuing to eat meat isn't gonna change much.

You know, no disrespect Mr. Stallworth,

but you see what you doin' here is what we call

mansplainin'.

Mansplainin'?

It's when men talk down to women

on topics women are more knowledgeable on.

[Audience gasps]

Okay this isn't about me being a man and Ebony being a girl. This is

about me knowing more than her and telling her what to do.

Mansplainin'.

I'm her father, dammit.

Ooh, so it's ageism.

[Candlelight] Mm mm mm mm.

Devin, get your girl.

Come on, Dad. Age ain't nothin' but a number.

I can see you really believe that.

I think we should make this a meatless household.

Mm hm. I agree with Ebony.

And I think we should make it a household free

of microaggressions.

Devin, what is a microaggression?

I'm not sure,

but I think Dad uses them all the time.

Oh I use microaggressions?

I'm about to show you a macroaggression in front of Ms. Candlestick.

It's Candle...light.

[Audience laughter]

Tony, what are you doing?

Tryin' to blow candle's lights out.

[Audience laughter]

Okay. What I think your father is tryin' to say is

we get it, okay. We were once cool.

You know, we tried to fight the system.

Oh yeah. Remember when we organized that sit-in

for that apartment buildin' that didn't let in black applicants?

Mm hm.

You guys did that?

That's right.

Well you know, go ahead. Change the world.

But while you're living under our roof, you're gonna respect the way we live.

That's what you're gonna do.

So you know, whatever happened to the apartment building downtown?

They demolished it. Turned it into a parking lot.

But they let black people park there, so we consider that a win.

[Instrumental Music]

I don't like what's goin' on with the kids, Lisa.

Well what can we do? They're growin' up.

I don't like it. Make 'em young again.

I like when they like cartoons and ice cream. Things were simpler then.

And our son wasn't dating a woman our age.

She's not quiet our age, but I can definitely hear her biological clock

tickin' like a time bomb.

I think you're bein' a little hypocritical, Tony.

How so?

Okay. Imagine this was Ebony at college and she comes home with some

grown-ass man.

I'd crack his skull and use it as an ash tray.

Exactly. And Ms. Candlelight is clearly

fillin' Devin's head with somethin'. And that better be all she's feeling.

[Audience laughter]

Yeah, I don't think I like this new woke Devin.

And Ebony is definitely learnin' that nonsense at school too.

What if it's not nonsense. I mean we want our kids to get an education at school.

And if what they learn contradicts what we taught them?

Maybe we should be open to learning

Or maybe the kids are wrong.

True. They're usually wrong about everything.

So, should practice the tried and true parenting tactic of

letting things play out?

Ebony will eventually move on to a new hobby and

Devin's old-ass girlfriend will eventually break his heart, or her hip.

[Tony laughs]

And we don't have to play the part of the villain.

Great parenting, Tony.

- Great parenting, Lisa. - Yeah.

And you don't have to blow Candle's lights out.

[Instrumental Music]

[Ebony] What do we want?

No chicken, pig, or cow.

When do we want it?

Right now!

What the hell is goin' on? And why do you look like a professor

that teaches African American studies?

Well, we were inspired by your story about the sit-in

so we decided to have our own.

Okay, our sit-in was in the cold lobby of an apartment building.

not our own, comfortable livin' room.

Hey,

work smarter, not harder.

Alright, okay, we get it. What, what are your demands, huh?

Actually, my demand is all animal products, that includes dairy and eggs.

Does it include a leather belt?

Demand number 2:

And all microaggressions.

Okay will somebody for the love of God please tell me what a microaggression is?

It's a subtle action or communication

that is intentional or unintentional that is hostile

or derogatory towards a marginalized group.

[Audience laughter]

Look, I don't think I do that.

Ah, you just called our protest, little.

Okay, you spoiled-ass kids are not a marginalized group

in this household.

Okay, calling us spoiled is a microaggression.

Okay Tony, let's just agree to no microaggressions, okay? Whatever that is.

Fine, fine, whatever. I microdigress.

Demand number 3:

[Audience laughter]

Okay, I think we're done here. Let's go.

[Instrumental Music]

[Instrumental Music]

You know, I wasn't really with this whole vegan thing at first.

But I mean I could get used to the kids cookin' for us.

Mm hm. Why did we resist it so much?

Coming up, meatless satay fried rice.

Ah that's right, no meat.

Come on. Try it.

[Audience laughter]

Yum.

This is completely organic. Can you just

taste the nutrients?

Mm, I can taste the rice.

I can taste the rice.

- [Ebony gasps] Dad, put the hot sauce down!

Sorry, I'm weak.

Actually, hot sauce is fully vegan.

Oah, I like Ms. Candlelight now.

Oh, well in that case, yeah.

Oah.

[Audience laughter]

So is now a good time to discuss the other ways we're going to

eliminate animal consumption in our lives?

Other ways. I mean we cut out all animal products.

Well maybe eating, yes. But what about leather?

I hope you ain't talkin' about my leather seats in my car.

I worked hard for that car. I took you to school in that car.

And maybe you shouldn't be driving a car at all.

Maybe if we all stop killing animals and use

public transportation, the earth wouldn't be overheating.

I'm about to start to overheat.

Ah, I think that's a microaggression.

Ah ah Devin, isn't there something you wanted to

ask your mother about?

Oh, yeah. Mom, have you heard about the patriarchy?

Yes.

You don't think you're oppressed by it?

I mean you know, society could improve the treatment of women, but I feel alright.

I don't know. It just seems to me that

Dad has forced you into the subservient role as

the housewife and mother.

Okay, now how is that not a microaggression aimed at me?

Okay Devin, you know what? I love your father very much,

okay? Even if he is part of the patriarchy.

Okay, I was just looking out for you, Mom.

[Giggling]

Hey.

Hi, y'all.

Oh, hi. I'm Aunt Vivian.

Oaah.

Ooh, your energy feels like mayonnaise.

[Audience laughter]

It's so wonderful to meet you. I am

Candlelight.

[Audience laughter]

Okay um, I don't want to blow out your flame, but Candlelight's not a name.

But it's nice to meet you anyway.

Alright. To make up for the delicious lasagna you made me, Lisa,

I decided to bake you all one as well. Ah ha hah!

[Audience laughter]

[Audience laughter]

What's wrong?

That right there looks like meat to meat, Aunt Vivian.

Ah and cheese.

Well of course it is. That's how you make a lasagna.

Yeah, the kids have turned this into a vegan household, Viv.

Oah. Oh, jeez.

Okay, I didn't know that.

[Foil crinkling]

It's alright. Take it to the trash.

Oh no, no, no. I'll just, I'll just I'll just take [Overlapping dialogue]

- It's in the trash, Aunt Viv. - The trash, Aunt Viv!

Why are you clapping at me, Candlelight?

[Audience laughter]

You want me to put this in the trash?

- I'll put this in the trash. Alright. - Put it in the trash.

[Instrumental Music]

Mm hm.

Ah, what is this, another sit-in?

No. I was up all night. Couldn't sleep.

Mmm.

What's wrong, baby?

Me and Candlelight broke up.

Oh, thank God! [Laughter]

Oh no, God.

[Audience laughter]

What happened, son? Things seemed to be going well last night.

After dinner, me and her went to the movies.

Oah, couldn't smuggle in your hay burgers?

Did you get embarrassed because she got the senior citizen discount?

[Audience laughter]

Not funny.

We ran into some guys she knew.

Oh, was it embarrassin' bein' seen datin' a TA?

No, he was her new man.

- Mm. - And when I say new man, I mean

grown-ass man.

Full beard, mortgage, and a 750 credit score.

I almost asked him for some advice, and a job!

White dude, huh?

Apparently she didn't believe in being exclusive.

She said it was oppressive and patriarchal of me to think

that she couldn't be with other guys.

Ah well...it's her loss, baby.

Yeah, good riddance.

I was tryin' to be woke, but I guess I was sleep the whole time.

It was very insightful honey, I think.

Yeah, son. You should always just remember that

Wait a minute. What's that smell?

I don't smell anything.

I'd know that smell anywhere.

[Audience laughter]

A breakfast burrito!

This isn't what it looks like,

It looks like you made us all go vegan.

and then you went out and got you a breakfast burrito from a food truck.

Okay, this is exactly what it looks like.

Baby, why? You're like the slave that turned back after you

suggested we leave.

[Audience laughter]

Okay, mom. I was wrong.

Meat and meat products are delicious.

I miss them. I'm weak.

You know I would gloat, but I'm so happy that this vegan kick

is over. I'm makin' bacon.

[Laughter] Devin, bacon!

We can eat meat again?

Wait! Maybe we should do 1 or 2 meatless dishes a week.

That's alright.

Ah does this mean ah I can pull Aunt Viv's lasagna out the trash?

Boy, I been done ate that, knock it off. The pan.

[Music sting]

[Instrumental Music]

You don't have to drop the class just because you two broke up.

It would be too distracting.

Yeah, I wouldn't want to go to a class where my ex was teachin'.

It wouldn't be for me. It would be for her.

She would be thinkin' about what she's missin' out on.

[Chuckles] I know that's right. You a real Stallworth man.

Hey. Okay, check this out. I made you all

a meatless, cheese-less lasagna, completely vegan.

Yeah. Viv, sorry. We're off that vegan kick.

Oh. Oh thank God. It tasted disgusting.

Probably cause of that white people seasoning.

- What? - Think.

Nothin'.

You've got a problem with my low sodium seasoning?

[Audience laughter]

[Mumbling] No, no.

- Huh? - No, no, no.

[Instrumental Music]