Original subtitles

[Instrumental Music]

Wasn't it hilarious though when Lupita Digongo burnt that ladies edges off with the hot comb?

No, that was terrifyin'. I don't ever want to see another scary movie again.

Yeah I gotta agree with Devin, Tony. Wewas creepy.

I mean two evil sisters runnin' around your own house tryin' to

kill you isn't scary to you, Dad?

Hell nah, I deal with that on a daily basis with Lori and Rachel.

Had to set up some wig traps.

Caught me a wine silkie an a Persian perm the other day.

[Laughter]

I don't think I'm gonna be able to sleep in my own bed tonight to be honest.

Aw, that's okay, baby. You can sleep in Mommy's bed tonight.

Hell no his big-ass can't. We better lights some candles and say some prayers or somethin'.

The boy trippin'.

Okay, why is my key not workin'?

Did you change the locks again to keep out Donnie and them parasites?

No! Maybe you're doin' it wrong.

- Okay. - It wouldn't be the first time.

[Laughter]

Ah, no. What? Must be busted or somethin'.

Do you need Devin to climb through his bedroom window that he uses

at night to sneak out?

[Devin chuckles] Or, we could use your ginormous head to bust

through the door.

Okay, okay, knock it off.'

I'll just go around and see if the a kitchen door is open. And if not,

we can always call Lori to come through and chew through the locks.

[Theme Music]

á* Woke up and my wife said to meá*

á* The bill collectors want their feesá*

á* The kids keep talkin' back to meá*

á* Family timá*

á* Family time. Family timeá*

á* Family Time. Waa aah woa oah oah oah yeah á*

[Instrumental Music]

Oh Lisa, good. You got in.

Girl, open this doah. A brotha gotta handle some bidness.

Buttery popcorn gave me the bubble guts.

[Audience laughter]

Lisa!

Lih,

This girl is trippin', and how did you change clothes so fast?

Hey, open the doah.

Come on. Come on, emergency here. Number two.

That doo doo. [Snaps fingers]

Open the doah. Twist the knob. I know it's hard but

take the mitts off, open the doah, twist the

just like alright, oh we playin' games now?

Okay, alright. A brotha can't get no respect,

pay all the bills and get no respect.

Ooh, can't stand this.

Mom, I only snuck out once. I promise.

What the hell, Lisa. Why ain't you let me in?

Tony, what are you talkin' about?

Come on. You you know I was tryin' to get up in that kitchen.

Mm,

you kitchen is lookin' a little nappy.

You should use one of the hot combs from the movie.

How about I use a belt from one of them old Westerns.

[Audience laughter]

Now this is just great. I'm missin' my show, The Real Baby Mamas of Baldwin Hills.

All I wanna know is, how did you get out here so fast when I just saw you in the kitchen?

What?

You know what I'm talkin' about, and what's with all the wardrobe changes?

Wardrobe changes? Tony, I was never in the kitchen.

Wait, you know what that movie, that movie I think is startin' to mess with your head.

Yeah, Dad. I told you the movie was pretty scary.

Look, ain't nobody scared of no damn movie. I'm just tryin' to get in this bathroom, alright.

I got the bubble guts.

[Door creaks open]

Mom...

what's goin' on?

And what's that [sniffs] smell?

Let's just say I ain't got the bubble guts no mo.

[Computerized voice] Welcome home, Stallworths.

Please enter!

Come on, baby. I got your back.

- I'm right behind you. - Tony!

[Audience laughter]

[Laughter escalates]

Ah Mom, when did you change the picture?

- Oh my goodness, I didn't. Tony, call the cops. - Mmm.

[Creepy Music]

[Computerized Lisa] Tether yourselves to the couch.

What the hell are you people doin' in my house?

Sit your asses down.

Yes, ma'am.

[Audience laughter]

Let me tell you a story about a lonely housewife

She had dreams, but her husband never listened.

So much power on the inside. So much

weakness on the out.

Until the inside conquered the outside and she became

perfect.

Who the hell are you talkin' about?

You, trick.

- Oh, I'm a show you a trick and make you disapp-- - Babe, wait.

Baby, baby, a listen. Now

how did you people get in my house?

[Guttural sound]

He doesn't talk much.

Why do they look so much like us?

Oh are you kiddin' me? With that tacky outfit on she does not look nothin' like me.

[Whipping sound] [Scream]

Okay just tell us what y'all want.

We want to teach you a lesson about family time.

Please join us for dinner.

You know actually I'm not that hungry, and I should go change my draws anyway.

Draws, you will not change. Join us!

[Buzzer sounds] Oh, I'm out.

Oah.

[Sniffing]

Go change your draws first.

Yeah if I could. Excuse me.

[Suspenseful Music]

- [Tony] Mm. - [Lisa] Mm hm.

How does it taste?

It's actually not that bad.

I know. I put my foot in it.

After it was perfectly sterilized, of course.

[Audience laughter]

Anyone else feeling sleepy?

Yeah.

Yeah, what what else did you guys put in this?

The Itis.

What?

Black-eyed peas seasoned to perfection.

Chicken fried to the perfect crisp.

And a whole pan of macaroni and cheese with

perfectly burned corners so sharp they could cut you.

[Audience laughter]

[Guttural sound]

[Audience laughter]

Who are you people?

We're y'all.

[Audience laughter]

I don't know about them, but I built up an immunity to the Itis.

[Music sting]

[Instrumental Music]

[Doorbell rings]

Ah he he hey, what's up, Lisa? Um...

why you dressin' all white? You and Tony about to play doctor again?

These re the garments for the Crossover.

The shadows will soon be in control, Donnie.

Why you sound like Macy Gray after a shot of dark liquor?

Would you like a bite to eat?

Ah he hell, yeah. Whe hey, wait. Where, where's Tony?

[Instrumental Music]

[Snoring]

[Instrumental Music]

Mmm.

Mmm.

[Moaning contently]

Oh there you go, Tone. Lisa did her thing tonight with her chicken, man.

Yeah. You been takin' cookin' classes, girl?

Cause you killed this.

You're right. I did kill it.

The chicken ran around headless for 30 seconds after I

slashed it's throat.

[Audience gasps] slashed it's throat.

[Audience gasps]

The blood was warm and tasty.

Uh Tone, you wanna get her

throat checked out, man? She sound like Doc Rivers after a post-game interview.

[Audience laughter]

Speakin' of basketball, man. Hey, you gonna watch the game that you recorded?

What is this game you speak of?

You know the one that came out the same time as y'all wanna go

see that creepy-ass movie.

What creepy-ass movie?

The one with Napita N'gongo,

where she crawled up out the sewer but her skin still look flawless.

I heard they got 100% on Spoiled Potatoes.

I have yet to experience it.

Well I can't blame you cause Donnie and scary movies don't mix.

Last time I saw a scary movie I was more nervous than a surgeon with Parkinson's.

[Audience laughter]

Anyway, wanna watch the game?

What is this game you speak of?

[Sighs] The basketball game, man.

I do not watch games anymore,

- [Donnie sighs] - ...not since the Crossover.

Listen man, I know little D-Lil's crossover was a dagger,

but you can't tell me you weren't impressed when he put that guy up on the poster.

We are the new poster of perfection.

Tony is too busy building a better life for his family

to partake in watching this

so-called game.

[Audience laughter]

You should take notes, Donald,

and do the same.

Would you stop callin' me Donald, man.

Alright, I ain't about to have no kids with one of these crazy broads out here.

I mean, the only way I'd even consider havin' a baby is if Lisa was the surrogate.

[Chuckles] You know? I don't know if that's somethin' that you were--

[Audience laughter]

That's something Tony should've done a long time ago.

[Instrumental Music]

[Loud grunt]

- [Devin Gasps] - [Tony] What the? Donnie?

Ah, where am I, man?

Am I in heaven?

Ah Tony's here. I must be in hell.

If I wasn't still drowsy from it Itis, I'd knock you the hell out.

You already knocked me the hell out in the kitchen, remember?

Least you could do is untie me.

That wasn't me, Donnie.

Wait, they got you too, uncle Donnie?

They, who's they?

He means y'all.

I thought it was we.

It's whoever those invaders are that look just like us.

Apparently they're our alter egos who have manifested themselves

into our actual lives

after we saw that scary movie.

What? I read the reviews.

Besides, we're not the only family this is happening to.

#creepyassfamily's trending on Twitter.

Well how are people getting rid of 'em?

Let me check.

Okay, okay. It says here that we have to come to terms with

[Sighs] my phone died.

Ebony, you got yours?

No. It got taken when I got grounded, remember?

Hm, sounds like a personal problem.

No. A personal problem is that itchy rash that you won't tell mom and dad about.

Okay, like that? Ah ho, don't have me tell 'em about page

28 in your diary, A Night to Remember.

Stop. Stop. Arguing is not gonna solve this problem.

You know what? We should try to call for help.

Aow, dang it. They locked us dow here.

Oah nah Tone, I'm claustrophobic, man.

First, we gonna run out oxygen down here and I'll be

forced to have to eat Devin cause we ain't got no food.

And then once you die I'll have no other choice but to have to marry Lisa.

Only thing that's gonna get married is my fist to your face,

okay?

[Audience laughter]

We have to figure out how to get outa here.

But who can help us?

Lisa! Hello, Lisa. Oh.

Who are you?

What do you mean?

Honey who are you without your french tips? No no no.

We need to schedule a mani/pedi right now. Come with me.

Cheryl!

[Instrumental Music]

Okay Stallworths, I am loving this all white.

Okay, who got married? Why didn't you ask me to play in the wedding?

The wardrobe choice of my family should not be your concern.

Ooh, it absolutely concerns me.

As does your voice. You sound like DMX in a barking competition.

[Barks]

Aren't you hungry?

You know actually I'm good. Although Lisa,

this looks divine. Well done.

Eat it.

[Groaning]

Oh...there's no call to be rude.

Devin, I'll just have a little bite.

Um...

you know what? Actually, I'm just gonna get back to the reason that I came.

I was wondering if you guys have any idea why the key to my house doesn't work?

Why would we know about that?

Ooh I don't know. I was just looking for some help so

I went to this movie with this guy named Javier. Well

okay so not the Javier from yoga class, okay.

Javier with the sharpest abs

that God could ever sculpt.

Get to the point.

Okay. Well, basically I was stood up.

But I still went to see the movie Weanyway. Oh my gosh it is so scary.

Okay, Dapita D'gongo needs a breath mint and a hot shower but she should

still win that Oscar.

Your head's gonna make a great trophy on my wall.

That is the scariest line from the movie. You didn't tell me you saw it too.

Do you remember the part where they try and burn the lady's neck with a hot comb?

- Uah. - Would you like your edges to be laid?

No. Lih Lisa, no. I did a Brazilian blowout.

It is no heat.

Eat your food!

[Cheryl's inner thoughts] Now wait just a damn minute.

Cheryl, don't curse at yourself. It isn't proper head language.

Now back to what I'm saying. Huh!

The all white. The perfect looking mac and cheese, the hot comb,

Lisa's gorgeously laid edges. There is only one logical explanation.

The Stallworth shadows have taken over the house and locked the real Stallworths

in the man cave, only to steal their souls during the Crossover.

[Outward yelp] It's just like Gordon Neele's movie.

I have to do something to save them.

I can't eat the this. I'm on a diet.

Key Keto diet, so none of this works.

And also I have a key under my mat so I'm just gonna

you use that. Toodles.

[Audience laughter]

Oh my goodness! There's...

a large hood rat outside.

Fih, it's so...you should look at this. It's huge.

It's a veh, it's so big.

Sooo ah!

Okay!

[Audience applause] Cheryl beat the shadows. Cheryl beat the shadows.

[Music sting]

[Instrumental Music]

Huh, I should save the day more often. It feels good.

You know maybe I'll be a vigilante on the weekends. Marry Batman.

And Joker would be my sidepiece.

[Tony] Ah Cheryl?

Oh right, the real Stallworths. I'm coming!

[Cheryl] Oh, oh my.

[Cheryl and Tony gasp]

- [Cheryl] Hey. - [Donnie grunting]

Hah, air, oxygen. Ooh, and perfect Lisa's chicken.

Donnie, you eat that and you die.

You just mad cause this chicken got better legs and thighs than you do.

[Audience aw's]

Uh, oh my God. They're gonna break down the door with a hot comb.

Like hell they are. Those are the strongest bulletproof doors on the market.

Cheryl, how did you manage to get them trapped outside?

Oh it was easy. I just used my mind control powers.

[Cheryl] Heh, I mean I'm kidding,

or am I?

You'll never know.

Okay. Well, I'm gonna go grab

my phone charger so I can figure out how to get rid a dem for good.

Up you know, anybody's seen the movie knows how to get rid of them. It's all about

unleashing your deepest, darkest fear.

But what does that mean exactly, Cheryl?

You got me more confused than Ellen's boxers.

It means that whatever you're afraid of, they're afraid of,

because they're basically just your subconscious in physical form.

Well I ain't never gettin' rid of mine cause I ain't afraid of nutin'.

Come on, Tony. Don't act like you weren't afraid the time I took that pregnancy test.

Touché...and then Ebony was born.

Wow. Thanks, Dad.

Okay. What are you afraid of, Ebony?

Um, I'm terrified of rats.

Okay. Okay, good.

So, all you have to do is describe how you would feel if the room were

full of rats, and then that fear will transfer to the other Ebony

causing her to dissolve into nothing.

That's not possible. We can't make them dissolve.

Sure we can. We'll do it in post.

Now, just have to make sure that they are within eyesight.

Oh well that's easy, cause they right over there.

[Suspenseful Music]

Where'd they go?

[Devin's voice echoes] Mom, Dad, do you wanna come in here for a minute?

Oaw, no.

- [Tony] He said mom first. - [Lisa] Tone, Tony,...

- Just go. - ...no, he didn't.

Lisa, I'm right here. I got your back.

Devin. Don't you dare touch him!

See, this is what you get for leavin' that window open that you sneak out of.

You take one step closer,

and I'll burn his tongue

so he sounds like my son.

[Moaning]

Okay okay everybody, relax. Okay just just

tell us what you want.

Ah, wants.

What a funny dream.

You see I am the perfect version

of Lisa Stallworth.

I take care of my family.

I pay my own bills with my own business.

But most importantly, I know how to satisfy

my man!

Da-ha-ham, perfect Lisa can get it.

[Audience laughter]

Only thing I'm missing,

is a soul!

Uah, too bad you can't talk to Aretha.

She's the Queen of Souls.

[Audience laughter]

If you let go of my brother, I'll give you my soul.

Really, Ebony? You would do that for me?

No, it was a joke, but I'll get you out of this.

- How? - Ah! A rat, a rat, a rat. Ah!

- [Devin] Where? - It's right there. It has...

- ...yellow, big, sharp teeth. Don't let it bite... - [Squeal]

...you. You'll get rabies!

Fear. Too much fear.

- Ah. - No, no...

noooo-oooo!

What have you done?

- I killed that heffer. - Ha, ha. That's right.

That's my baby, yes. [Audience applause]

Silence!

Uh oh. Perfect Lisa got a temper.

She must be a gemini.

You may have gotten my daughter,

but this isn't over.

How'd you make her dissolve like that?

Think of the thing you're most afraid of and then act like it's really happening, Devin.

Okay um, ah ah

Dad, am I really going to the military.

- What are you talkin' about boy? - Play along, Tony.

Oh oh oh. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Pack your bags.

You are gon' off to Wyoming so that you can be yelled at by a buff-ass

who don't give a damn about your asthma problem.

[Sobbing]

Keep going, Dad. It's working.

Eh ah and you ain't comin' back until you learn respect for your elders,

and you can do 50 pull ups without breakin' a sweat.

You hear me boy?

- Yes. - Yes what, maggot?

Sir, yes sir.

[Groaning]

No! Mah my

baby!

He was dumb but he was my favorite.

Okay. Two down, two to go, Stallworths.

Yeah. Tony, what are you and Lisa gonna do to get rid of y'all's?

I think we both know the answer to this.

Yep. Tony I don't know how to say this but

it's just not workin' out.

Yeah. Even though we've been in love since high school,

I found another woman.

And it's Cheryl.

[Laughter]

And I found another man.

It's Donnie.

I knew you would recognize my skill.

Guess we have no other choice but to get a divorce.

And I guess this is goodbye forever.

[Groaning]

[Gasping]

- [Donnie] Yes! - [Cheryl] Ah! [Cheering]

[Applause and cheering]

- [Cheryl] Wow. - Alright, man.

You know I really didn't know that your biggest fear was getting a divorce.

Mine's porphyrophobia, fear of the color purple.

You're afraid of things that are purple?

No, the movie.

It was traumatizing. To this day I still can't refer to anyone as

Mister.

[Audience laughter]

Okay Cheryl, thank you for saving the day and all, but you gotta bounce.

Ugh well technically,

my key still doesn't work so I'll be bouncing over to Javier's

Not the one who stood me up.

Javier from yoga class.

Namaste.

You know what, now that I think about it, you don't know anything about that because

I was actually having that conversation with shadow Lisa's--

[In unison] Bye, Cheryl.

[Audience laughter]

I'm just glad tonight is over.

Well not for you. Grab a broom. Clean up all these a shadow ashes.

Yes and Ebony, please throw away that food. All of it.

[Clears throat] Ebony, hold tight on all that throwin' away now.

Nobody gonna about to be throwin' away Perfect Lisa's

deliciously amazing leftover, okay?

Ain't nobody's legs and thighs better than Perfect Lisa's.

[Audience laughter]

Whoo, I'm glad this night is over!

And I think we learned a lot about each other.

I'm just glad that you're my wife instead of Perfect Lisa.

Yes well I mean I gotta admit, Perfect Tony was kinda fine.

But you are the perfect one for me.

- Mm hm. - Mm wah.

[Instrumental Music]

I had the craziest dream last night.

Me too.

We were bein' hunted by people that look just like us.

I had the exact same dream.

It felt so real.

I thought I was the only one. It was like the people were like our shadows or something.

They took over the house and held Devin hostage.

Well in my dream, I was married to Rihanna. We have

five tan little babies with strange accents

and we lived in Barbados.

Okay, how is that a nightmare?

Because I came home to visit,

and there was this family that looked just like us who hijacked the house.

Okay that is crazy. We all had similar dreams.

It's that movie's fault. I was so scared, I couldn't sleep in the room by myself.

So I let him sleep on my floor.

My first instinct was to jump in the bed with y'all.

Yeah that instinct woulda got you extinct.

I'm just glad it was all a nightmare.

Yeah well just to be safe, I want all hot combs outa here immediately.

Yeah see now honey if you do that, our edges are gonna be lookin' scarier than that movie.

[Instrumental Music]

[Instrumental Music]

Uah Tone, man it is so good to see you, brother.

- So I went to the store today, right? - Mm hm.

And when I got there, I ran into this dude and he gave me the deal of a lifetime,

and I wanna give that same deal to you.

I got the hookup on these brand new watches,

And I wanted to give it to you as payback for me eatin' all the food out your refrigerator.

Donnie if you don't get them fake-ass watches out my house,

my fist in yo face gonna hook up.

It's completely legit, Tone. I promise, man.

Whatever you say, Donnie.

Oh, would you look at that?

Well unfortunately man, it's gonna cost you $150,000.

How about 150,000 ass whoopin's?

Look man, you break it, you buy it. I wish it didn't have

to be this way.

- [Donnie] Uh. - [ Audience laughter]

You got some super glue?

[Instrumental Music]