Original subtitles

Tone, there you are man.

Hey look,

Lisa said dinner be ready in 15 minutes, okay? And just so there's no mistake,

I called dibs on a big piece of chicken.

Thought you should know.

Donnie, if you even touch my chicken,

I'ma give you a two piece special with a broken leg and thigh.

[Laughter]

Fair enough, at least I have my drumstick.

Oh! Are these all the colleges that Ebony got into?

[Sighs]

It's stuff like this that uh...

makes me happy that all the hard work I put into her was worth it, man.

Man, gimme these!

Look, I'm actually thinking about going back to school, these pamphlets are for me.

Oh, I get it.

You tryin' to get in on those building contracts out on campus, huh?

See, that's why you're the smart one swingin' us two there.

Probably got that 14 IQ.

Donnie, have your parents ever asked you to run away?

[Laughter]

Listen I never got the chance to embrace the college experience.

You're never too old to learn something new, so I figured hey,

college is the perfect place to do it.

Okay, uh, let's take a look at the life of a college student.

Are you really ready to resort to a diet of noodles and struggle puffs?

What are struggle puffs?

That's when you pour water in your cereal cuz you can't afford milk.

[Laughter]

That's the life of a college freshman man, are you sure that's what you want?

Well, no.

Oh! Plus, anything you want to know nowadays, you can just look up.

Man, Google U is the best college out there.

[Donnie Chuckles] Plus it's got an acceptance rate of 100%.

I had to drop out though, cuz

My internet got cut off.

* Woke up and my wife said to me

* The bill collectors want their fees

* The kids keep talking back to me

* Family time

* Family Time, Family Time, Family Time

I just got a new security system installed in my house,

I have never felt.

Yeah but, aren't those expensive?

No, this one was really cheap.

Basically it's just a recording of a couple arguing,

that way it always sounds like there's someone bickering at home.

- That, that'll scare anyone away. - Right?

Oh, Cheryl, don't you miss being in a couple?

Hmm.

Yeah, I guess I do.

Minus the lying and the cheating, and

random girls calling me and saying like,

"that's my husband," you know, the random backstabbing. [Laughter]

- Yeah. Don't miss that. - Yeah.

What's up, y'all?

Lisa, you got any of that bitter ass coffee you usually make?

Uh, you mean the free coffee that matches your bitter ass attitude?

Whatever, Lisa.

What you two talkin' about?

Uh, Cheryl's fake ass security system.

Excuse me, it works very well.

No, we're really just enjoying the peace and quiet.

Tony's not here,

Oh, did he finally go out for ice cream and is never coming back? Hallelujah!

No, he went to work to pay for Devin's tuition.

Ah, that makes sense. When's Devin leaving?

What you talkin' about? Devin's already at school.

Are you sure? 'Cuz I could have swore I saw him right by my hair salon this morning.

Not my baby. My Devin is at

school, 3000 miles away.

That's a trip.

'Cause this kid had the same style and everything.

Hmm, well Devin just texted me from a study group.

So? My boss thinks I'm at home sick. [Laughter]

Listen, all the kids these days dress the same, have the same haircuts.

Yeah.

Yeah, alright. I guess, I guess Devin is at school.

Yeah. You know they say everyone has a twin.

People tell me I look like that little sexy flight attendant from "Soul Plane" all the time.

Hmm. I don't see that.

[Instrumental Music]

Yo.

Hey, Tone!

I have somebody that I would love for you to meet.

This is my new lady, Tasha.

Tasha, this is my good friend and business partner Tony.

Uh, Tony, I don't want to talk about the paperwork for that billion dollar

development deal, okay?

- We'll talk about that later. - Right.

It's very nice to meet you, Tony.

- I've heard nothing but great things about you. - Oh.

And I must say, it's always good to support a black owned business.

Well I agree. It is nice to meet you as well.

Would you happen to have a restroom I could use?

It was a long drive.

Sure, it's right down the hall.

There you go.

- Grab it. - Put the purse down.

- Thank, thank you, thank you. - Mm-hmm. Yup.

- Lift with your back. - Bend your knees.

[Chuckling]

[Audience Laughs]

- Hey, what you think man? - Bro!

Boy, how did you pull that?

Oh, by her hair. [Audience Laughs]

You don't want to tell me, that's fine, that's fine.

Really man, by her hair.

See it got caught in a bicycle chain,

I pulled it out, and we been rollin' together ever since.

Well I'm very happy for you brother, congratulations.

Appreciate that.

She's the CEO of a Fortune 500 company, man.

- What? - I think she might be the one.

- She's a CEO? - Yeah.

Brother, you better go in that bathroom right now and propose.

She might be the one for real.

Yeah but it's uh, it's just one thing.

She used to be a man.

It's fine, it's fine, we can overlook that.

She is the CEO!

Na-nah, man, nothing like that.

I been gettin' a lot of threatenin' messages to leave her alone.

Hate to tell you this bro, but that, that's a crazy ex right there.

- You think so? - Oh yeah, for sure.

What'd the letter say?

"Stay away from Tasha or that's yo ass!"

It's a whole bunch of emojis after that.

But I've never even seen it.

Definitely. Crazy ex.

You know what? It probably is some young thundercat she used to deal with.

They only talk in emojis.

Hey, Donnie.

Ready to go?

Is it safe?

[Laughing] Of course!

I'm driving, we're not riding bikes.

And where are you lovebirds off to?

Ah, we're going to see this new play

it's called "Who Brought the Neck Bones?"

It's a love story about an interracial couples'

first black Thanksgiving.

- Tyler Perry? - Of course.

[Instrumental Music]

Uh, did you take my coconut water?

Uh, nope.

Well, I know I put it in here earlier, and Ebony hasn't been home, so...

Yeah.

What you tryin' to say?

I want my coconut water.

Well then you need to go on down to the store and get it. I think it's on aisle 3.

[Stammers] [Laughter]

You took my coconut water, Tony.

That's how you know it's on aisle 3.

Baby, I'm from the other side of the tracks, okay?

We drink 40's and dark liquor, you know what I'm talkin' about? Knock it off.

Yeah, well...

Look, the only people that like that is you and Devin.

Oh, speaking of Devin, um, have you spoken to him?

Mm, nope. Why?

I know it sounds a little crazy, but Rachel said she saw somebody that looked just like him.

Please, people say that all the time about me and Idris Elba.

[Audience Laughs]

It happened once. It was dark, and, whatever! What's your point?

Yeah, um,

yeah, I, I actually saw somebody that looked like him too, so it's

a little weird.

Okay, y'all need to swear off whatever it was y'all drinking.

Wait, you know what?

I did see him.

Really Tony? Where?

By the door when we said goodbye to the boy 8 months ago and sent him off to college!

So you, you a smart ass. Okay.

Let's see you hold out for 8 months, huh?

Hold out? It ain't nothin' but a word, girl.

8 months, I... 8 months?

Hey, criminals don't get that long, Lisa.

Can I at least get probation? [Instrumental Music]

[Instrumental Music] [Singing to Self]

Good morning Mr. Stallworth, how you doin'?

- I'm well, how are you? - I am doing wonderful.

Wait a minute, who are you, and where the hell is Melinda?

Dang, you just came in here. You sure is throwin' a lot of questions at a sister.

Okay, let's just start with one question.

Where's Melinda?

Okay well, Melinda's going to be gone for a very, very long time.

See, she got flown out by one of them uh, sheiks going to Dubai, so uh,

I guarantee she going to be wife number 7. It's fine, it's fine.

Wait, Dubai? She didn't even say goodbye.

Why are you here?

I'm Melinda's cousin, Brandy.

Nice to meet you.

I'm also her replacement.

Yeah, see, I interviewed a couple other girls for the position this morning

and I figured I'm best for the job.

Okay, first of all sweetheart, that's not how it works.

Now how you going to be my assistant, but you don't know anything about me?

Mr. Stallworth...

Don't you ever underestimate a black woman and her knowing.

I know everything about you, okay?

I know that you like coffee with two sugars and one cream.

I know that you a Libra with Scorpio tendencies.

You might want to work on that.

Your mother's name is Beverly, oh, and your wife...

I sent her flowers this morning. Just because.

- You welcome. - Wow.

You've been here 5minutes and

you've already done more than Melinda did in four years.

5 minutes?

Mr. Stallworth, I have been here since 6 am!

Come on baby, somebody got to wake the roofers up around here.

Okay well, how do I know that you're not a criminal?

I never said I wasn't a criminal.

Everybody gotta pay.

Okay, well you know, I could use the help around here.

- Do I get a job? - You're hired.

Oh, yes!

Uh, but only on a

probationary basis, I'm sure you're used to that. [Laughter]

Okay. Well, well, well, well...

Thank you, Mr. Stallworth, I'm not going to let you down.

And by the way, I thought your son

was away at school.

He is.

See, that's funny, because I follow him on Funstagram, and I could have

swore I seen that boy down at the Carlton's Junior.

What is it with everybody swearing they've seen this boy

when he's on the other side of the country?

Okay, did you get a good look at his face?

[Grunting]

You know what? Let me put your mind at ease.

- Yeah, do it, - Call him right now.

Call him right now, I wanna hear.

[Audience Laughs]

[Devin] Oh, what's up Dad?

Just on my way to class.

Ah, good. I'm just checking to make sure you where you're supposed to be.

- Carry on. - Mm-hmm.

[Audience Laughs]

Tone, things are getting worse man. I found this in my car.

It coulda shattered my whole window.

You think that's from Tasha's ex?

Or did you just throw the brick in the window, trying to get some insurance money?

You look like the type. [Laughter]

What in the Tardy B, who the hell are you?

First off, I am Brandy.

And you must be Donnie.

- She heard about your boy.

Yeah, Melinda told me all about you,

said you was real thirsty! [Laughter]

For the record, Melinda just couldn't quench my thirst.

And by the way man, I know it's from her ex. Peep this.

"Dear Donnie the Deadman, [Audience Laughs]

I see you've ignored my advice on leaving Tasha alone,

leaving me no other choice but the punch your nose out the back of your cranium.

I'm not playing with you Donnie.

I'm going to fold your ass like a CVS receipt."

Ooh, that's crazy.

Last time somebody folded me up,

I had to go see a chiropractor.

Well I think you got bigger problems than that, Donnie.

This is definitely an angry ex move right here. I know all too well.

I mean, have you spoke to Tasha about

the whole threatening ex thing?

Uh, I actually been holding off.

I thought it was from like, one of her competitors

that was trying to knock her off her game.

Tell you right now Donnie, that ain't it.

I think it's time you have that conversation with Tasha.

[Donnie Chuckles]

[Instrumental Music]

Whoo! I can't remember the last time

we were able to just enjoy our jacuzzi.

You know, without any-

[Cheryl] Yoo hoo! - Aww...

Stallworths, oh, I'm sorry for the interruption, but we need to talk

What's up, Cheryl?

These past few nights I have seen a man

sneaking around our block.

He moves like a big raccoon.

I'm sorry, this is serious.

I think we need to start the neighborhood watch again.

Okay um. we haven't noticed anything missing,

but if you feel like it's necessary, we're on board.

We are?

Oh, good.

I'm so glad to hear that because Tony,

I think that you need to take the first few night shifts.

Oh no, no, no, I'm not getting involved in that again, no. No.

But Tony, how else are we going to keep this neighborhood safe from burglars?

We need you.

Okay so, you know what? If you, if you do decide

to go through with the neighborhood watch, we are more than willing to help.

No, we are not! Babe, I'm not doing that.

Not a chance.

8 months, Tony.

Aw, damnit woman, you ain't playin' fair.

Thank you, Lisa.

I will see you later, Lisa.

Alright, let's get up in this thang.

Heat them cakes up, you know what I'm talkin' about?

Shake them cakes, baby!

[Instrumental Music]

- Is everything alright? - Yeah, yeah, yeah.

you've kinda been acting weird all night.

Yes, everything's good, you know.

Alright look, everything's not okay.

Alright? I've been getting a lot of threats from one of your ex's.

One of my ex's? Who?

I don't know, ain't like he left his name, or something like that.

He just said if I didn't stop seeing you, he would decapitate me with one punch.

And based on his detailed description,

I don't think this is his first rodeo.

I haven't even posted you online or anything,

so I don't know how any of my ex's would've found out about us.

I don't know how, but he does.

What did he sound like when you talked to him?

Oh, I didn't talk to him on the phone.

Hell nah, no, so,

he's been leaving a lot of

threatening letters in my mail.

Talkin' 'bout if I don't stop seeing you, then he's gon' hurt me, and

look, he just got real bold lately.

Okay? He got so aggressive,

he threw a brick through my car window with this letter attached.

Let me see that.

Any idea who it's from? [Tasha Laughs]

[Both Laughing]

You want to let me in on the punchline

that doesn't involve my head being taken off?

This is not good.

It's Elijah.

Aw, the honorable Elijah?

Bean pies and bowties?

No, worse.

I'm too young to die, but you know, if it come down to it, I'll ride or die for mine.

I'll just have to face him man-to-man.

Donnie... Elijah is my 11 year old son.

[Chuckles] I could whup his ass.

I mean uh, how do you know that it's from him?

I can tell by the emojis he used.

He always puts them at the front of what he's writing and at the end.

Text messages, Funstagram file,

it's kind of like his trademark.

But your son is 11.

These letters come from somebody that is a valedictorian turned assassin.

Shoot, all that money I pay for private school, his vocabulary better be incredible.

No matter what he's doing.

I can respect that.

Look, he's a good kid.

He just doesn't know you like that

and feels threatened because you're seeing his mother.

Maybe you two should do some bonding.

I think that would really help.

And maybe...

you and I can do some bonding, too.

Hey, you know, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I would love that, you know.

Don, Donnie love the kids.

[Instrumental Music]

[Instrumental Music]

Lisa I'm telling you, I know

I saw Devin. I know my nephew.

Okay, you might want to slow down on those glasses of wine.

- Seriously. - Whatever. - Um...

Lisa, I mean didn't you say you also saw him when you went to the store the other day?

I said I thought I saw him.

And Cheryl saw him yesterday, too.

Huh? So it' snot just me.

[Sighs] I did, Lisa, I did.

When I was getting my son's haircut, I look up-

Aren't your kids in boarding school or something?

Um, Simon, my son.

[Laughter]

My cocker spaniel, I got him from the shelter.

See, that's that white people thing.

- Hey, Cheryl. - Hi.

Huh. I see you found that raccoon.

[Rachel Chuckles] Shut up, Sponge Bob SquarePants.

Hey, you know what? I'm getting tired of you.

Okay? You're like a fang toothed sea urchin.

You know what? I'm sick of you, too.

- What you wanna do? What you wanna do? - I want to fight you!

[All Shouting]

Sit it, sit it down, sit it down. Seriously!

Rachael and Cheryl think they saw Devin somewhere around town.

What is with y'all?

The boy is off at school. I know you miss him, okay, but he's gone.

[Knocking]

[Tony] What's going on around here?

Oh, hey Mr. Stallweezy, how's it goin'?

It's going good.

Just wondering why you just walking in my house and Devin ain't here.

Oh, well I just talked to him last night and I asked him if I could borrow a couple things

so I'm here to pick 'em up.

Uh, things? What things?

Oh hey, Mrs. Stallweezy! You look beautiful today.

Okay, okay, 'kay now, don't get your ass whupped boy, relax.

Calm down, alright, and tell us what you want.

Answer the question.

[Audience Laughs]

- What was the question again? - What do you want?

Oh, oh! You know, just the basics, man. Uh,

couple shirts, uh, some socks.

Maybe some clean drawers?

Ah-ha! Mm-mm.

He ain't got no clean drawers.

You're caught! Spit it out, spill the beans. What's going on?

- Yeah Ross, you can tell us. - Yeah, go on.

See, Devin- [Glass Shatters]

The hell was that?

- You go first. - No, no, no! Send Rachel first.

She's expendable.

Devin? Wha?

Hey everybody, how y'all doing?

Ha! I told you I saw him.

Talkin' 'bout I need to slow down on the wine. Well me and my wine is doin' just fine!

In fact, I'm going back to it right now. Come on, Cheryl.

Oh. Right, okay, well Devin, it was-

[Rachel] Come on, Cheryl. - Yup!

Boy, what are you doing here?

Hey, Dad! You look so good.

Have you been losing weight?

You got to keep it up, they gonna start calling you "Bony Tony".

- Answer the damn question. - Okay.

So, I got put on this thing called

academic probation.

It's not that bad.

It's like a F+, but really I see it as a D-.

Okay, sounds like either way you are failing your classes.

Well, I was having a little trouble,

so my counselor suggested that I take a year off.

- A year off? - That's a lot of time for a little trouble.

Ah yeah, but uh,

it's better than being kicked out of school.

Okay, you sneaking around the house sounds like you did get kicked out of school.

No, no dad, it's not like that.

I went to school, I got caught up partying, and I kind of slipped up in my classes.

Turns out this thing happens to a lot of freshmen.

I'm not paying a lot of freshmen's tuition.

Well my counselor suggested that I take some

classes at a JC.

Oh my goodness, we are really disappointed in you, Devin.

I know, Mom.

But I already enrolled in Junior College classes,

And I'll really make it up to you.

You're damn right you will.

And let's be clear,

you better do what you got to do to get back in at school I'm paying so much money for.

I got you, dad.

And now, find something to clean this up.

[Tony Scoffs]

I know the circumstances aren't good,

but I did really miss you guys.

Did you miss this belt?

[Instrumental Music]

Yeah, and I'm like, "why shouldn't she play The Little Mermaid?"

[All Laugh]

Hey, Elijah, I love your shirt, man.

Where'd you get it?

I got it from my mom's old boyfriend.

He's the head designer at some big company.

I actually liked him.

Elijah.

What? He asked.

Hey, it's all good, Tasha.

Well you know what man, he's doing his thing with those shirts.

[Donnie Chuckling]

I'm glad you two had a chance to bond over this good food.

I'm going to run to the ladies room,

you two play nice.

Make sure you wash your hands.

- So, Elijah- - Donnie...

I just want to say

I'm sorry.

You are?

Yeah.

I was being a little mean with the letters about you and my mom.

And my window.

I'll need that brick back.

Guess I have to charge that one to the game.

Look Donnie, I'm just trying to protect my mom.

But, I see how happy you make her, so... you're all right with me.

Never thought I need a blessing from a kid, but uh, thanks man.

No problem

You know, I was against it at first, but

it's gonna be kinda cool having two dads.

Uh, I'm, could you...

-run that by me again, two dads? What do you, what do you mean? - Oh yeah.

My real dad, he's getting out of jail soon.

And he'll be around, so, two dads.

Jail, huh? That's... [Audience Laughs]

That's interesting.

Um, hey, Elijah, would you happen to know why your dad is in jail?

Oh yeah, yeah, yeah.

Our mailman, he was hitting on my mom.

so my dad had to give him a...

special delivery.

[Audience Laughs] [Donnie Clears HIs Throat]

Man, I am so

sleepy. I got to get up out of here, man.

You're leaving? But...

we haven't had dessert yet.

Uh, look, um...

if your dad doesn't make parole,

tell your mom to call me. Hmm? You take care of yourself man.

[Audience Laughs] You, too.

Uh, can I get the bill?

Pass that to that brother, please.

Three hundred dollars?

I got five on it.

[Audience Laughs]

Elijah, again?

[Instrumental Music]

[Instrumental Music]

See? That's why I like her.

I know, but she's crazy, though.

Craziness is what fuels a great reality star!

You know what you, you know, I coulda really been a reality star.

Good morning, Brandy.

Oh, good morning, Mr. Stallworth.

Hey Devin. Wha-what? Devin, what are you doin' here?

Oh nothing, just some hood rat things with my friends.

Yes!

By the way, your new temp is way better than Melinda.

Temp? I told, it permanent boo-boo, I just told you I ain't goin' nowhere.

And see Mr. Stallworth, I told you that was Devin when I see him the other day.

He been here the whole time.

Yeah, yeah, you were right, alright. Yeah, I, I get it, I get it.

But uh...

You ain't fittin' to just sit here for an hour for free.

So uh, huh...

File these papers.

I'll get my money from last semester somehow.

Gon' kick my feet up for the day then. Yeah.

[Instrumental Music]