Original subtitles

[Instrumental Music]

Mm mm, that is delicious.

- Mm hm hm. - Now Lisa, when is the last time

you remember a snack lastin'

more than 24 hours in this house?

[Laughter] Before the kids were born.

[Laughter] That boy eats food like a vacuum.

Too bad he don't know how to use one.

Well maybe since he's been at school he's gotten better with keepin' his space clean.

You forget I went to his dorm room and visit him.

The thing smelled like corn chips and feet.

Oh. Mm you know what? Well eat up, there's plenty.

- Mm hm. - Ever since Ebony became a cheerleader,

she's watching her figure.

Me on the other hand, I can use a cheat day.

M'kay, well you enjoy your cheat day and I'll just watch your figure.

[Laughter] What's in here?

[Rumbling outside]

What a do, peeps? Your favorite kid is home.

Don't all hug me at once.

Devin, what are you doin' here?

Uh, I live here.

With all that tuition I pay, no you don't.

I thought you weren't coming home until tomorrow.

Surprise. Nice to see you too.

I zipped through them finals and hit the first thing smokin' back to LA.

Mm, so how'd you do on your exams?

You know, busted out them C's.

C's?

Ah Dad, C's get degrees.

[Audience laughter]

Eh well speakin' of C's, at least he's consistent.

Mm that doesn't make sense cause a consistent starts with a K.

[Audience laughter]

Guess he gets that from your side of the family.

Mm.

Where's Ebony?

Oh she's at a cheer retreat for a few days.

Wait and how did you get here? I didn't even send you a train ticket.

A Dad, this ain't the 1800's. I called grandma.

She used her SkyMiles and she got me here on a business class ticket.

And you know them drinks was flowin'.

Boy if you don't get out my face,

Alright, I'll go put up my stuff.

- Oah, it's good to be home. - Yeah.

Drinks?

That little boy is growin' up!

Yeah his little bougie ass.

Well you know what, he's takin' the bus back.

- Hopefully he's not. - I'm sayin'.

He could learn from that experience.

This is good.

- Yeah. - You want some?...Nah - A can someone...

explain to me why my room look like a WNBA locker room?

Oh I'm sorry honey. You know what, I needed to sort things out

before I donated 'em to Goodwill.

You know I'm with Devin on this one.

A boy shouldn't have to sleep in the same room as his mother's bras and draws.

A gross, Dad.

Gross. TMI.

Well you know what, in the meantime you can sleep in the man cave.

You a man now. Uhm.

Appreciate it but ooh hoo! cookies.

[Chuckling]

Ha.

[Crinkling]

You know what? You gettin' your man car revoked.

No man takes another man's last cookie.

Hmm. [Audience laughter]

[Mumbling] I'm a take your popcorn and drink too.

[Audience laughter]

[Theme Music]

♪ Woke up and my wife said to me ♪

♪ The bill collectors want their fees ♪

♪ The kids keep talkin' back to me ♪

♪ Family Time

♪ Family Time. Family Time

♪ Oh Oah Family Time

♪ Oh Oh Oah Yea Yeah

[Instrumental Music]

[Yawning] Ooh Lisa, you got any coffee?

Can we start with a hello?

Girl, you know how I am in the mornin'. Until I get my coffee, don't even start.

What's her problem?

Who cares.

Where's Bigfoot?

Tony and Devin are getting haircuts.

- Ow my baby's back. I can't wait to see my nephews! - Me too.

But for now Lisa, grab your purse and your yoga pants

cause we are going to brunch.

Eeee yoga pants to eat brunch?

Yeah it's a all-you-can-eat brunch followed by meditation and yoga. It's

called Mind Body and Soul...food.

Girl the yoga pants come in handy for the all-you-can-eat part.

Sounds like fun but no. I, I can't. I have to finish an assignment

for my new creative writing class.

What creative writing class?

Online writing course I'm taking. We have a fictional gossip

blog that's due tomorrow.

Ah the hell with that class. Let's go eat and take advantage

of the bottomless mimosas.

And you wonder why you never pass the bar, Cardi DUI.

Oh, and you wonder why you passed us both in height.

Oh, we already know.

Oh, different daddy. Different daddy.

"Wilt the Stilt"

Whatever, Macy Greyhound.

Huh, what? that's what Aunt Faye always say.

Listen well you know, she did have that VIP membership to the Forum Club.

- [Muffled chatter] - Okay that's enough. In the room.

[Laughter]

So what's up, you goin' or not?

No, no. I need to stay focused.

But thank you for the offers. Love you sisters,

but I gotta get my fictional gossip on today.

- Well alright. - Alright. - Yeah.

Well I guess it's just me and you ole chummy wummy.

Oh when we're done, could you please get in touch with your daddy's side of the

family. See if you can get us some tickets on the floor to the Lakers game.

[Audience laughter]

Haven't enough Lakers slam-dunked you already?

[Audience laughter]

I'm sorry sis.

Bye.

[Instrumental Music]

Look at you Devin, all grown lookin' like a college man.

I bet you givin' all the college ladies a run.

- No I do a'ight. - You better be runnin' to that library.

Oh.

Now why you get him started? I knew I shoulda hung with my boy.

Boy relax. Look it's not everyday you get to spend the day with your pops.

Now look, one day all this could be yours. Hm?

I thought you sent me to college to do better in my life.

Keep it up and I'm gonna be facin' life.

[Audience laughter]

Hey Melinda um I'm lookin' over the schedule here and I do not see the

appointment with Mr. Evans for the apartment complex.

Oh that's cause we playin' hardball but don't worry, Mr. Stallworth. He'll break soon.

What, hardball? Wha wha wha what you mean we?

I offered him a Tuesday appointment and he said he was busy.

So he gonna counter offer with a Friday appointment at noon.

So I told him no!

Why are you playing games? My schedule is open on Friday. What's the problem?

The problem is Ihave a nail appointment on Friday

He'll reschedule. Shun Lee won't.

He better reschedule or your schedule gonna be wide open.

[Audience laughter]

Hey, what's up, y'all?

Yo. [Door closes]

Hah, well if it isn't

the girl of my dreams.

You better wake yo ass up.

[Audience laughter]

- Oh snap, what's up Devin? - what's up Uncle D?

- How are you man? - You know.

How them college girls treatin' you?

Oh yeah. We'll talk when five-o ain't around.

You fools ain't slick. I know what you talkin' about, alright. I ain't 50.

[Audience laughter]

And they call me the dumb one.

Hey Devin, how would you like to go with me to Mid Ghetto Times?

It's this theme restaurant where they reenact all these historical gang fights

and the audience is served government cheese and fried bologna sandwiches.

I'm down. Cool.

The hell no you ain't.

Besides, we have plans. We goin' to a ball game. You ready?

Do I have a choice?

Absolutely not. Bring yo ass.

- Catch you on the next one Uncle D. - Alright man.

[Sighs] Guess I'm rollin' Dolo.

I would invite you Melinda, but I know that probably ain't your thing.

No, not so fast. I heard this place be crackin'.

Now is it true that they serve barbecue sunflower seeds during intermission?

It is! It is very true.

As a matter of fact you can wash it down with red Kool-Aid shooters.

Well why don't you just take me?

I ain't doin' nothin' tonight.

Whaaat? Melinda's finally givin' in to the powers of the Don?

I knew you couldn't resist me forever.

It's a damn shame it took fake gang fights to finally bring us together.

Boy! You barely made it out of the friend zone.

[Audience laughter]

You better realize I'm a great catch.

I ain't tryin' to catch what you caught.

[Audience laughter]

You know what as a matter of fact, never mind.

Okay okay look, I'm, I'm just messin' around, alright?

Ah look,

if you go with me I promise to not only show you a good time,

but I will be the perfect gentleman.

What do you say?

Alright.

I guess it's the closest thing I'm a get to seein' Hamilton.

Cool!

[Melinda exhales] You got a helmet?

What?

Never mind. I'm a drive.

I ain't gettin' on the back of nobody moped.

It's a scooter, dammit! A scoot-ter.

Whatever it is, you too big to be on it.

[Instrumental Music]

[Instrumental Music]

Hey,

So what did you and Devin do after the ball game?

You know that boy caught a Goober at halftime

so he can go catch up with his little friends

or his "squad".

I must've walked all over that stadium lookin' for his ass.

[Rustling]

Good mornin' my good people.

Now who said they don't like gettin' doughnuts at work.

I stopped by and got 'em when the "hot now" light was flashin'.

Everybody likes doughnuts at work Donnie. But the better question is,

Why are you here?

Maybe Melinda can explain.

Well, me and Donnie had a bet and he lost. Ah huh.

So he had to bring me some doughnuts.

Hey D, are these the real velvet ones you was tellin' me about?

Sprinkle, sprinkle.

[Laughter]

Sprinkle, sprinkle? D?

Okay, when did you two get on nickname basis?

A long story short, D and I bonded when we went to Mid Ghetto Times last night.

Mr. Stallworth, you really shoulda came with us.

It was crazy man. The big battle at the end,

the red gang barely squeaked it out.

But the big surprise twist is when the Batterram came

and then the police showed up and took everybody to jail in the end.

Man it was so real.

It was like, I think they really got arrested.

Yeah. It was dope Tone, man.

Me and M-Boogie was rollin' all night.

Okay, what exactly were you and M-Boogie rollin'?

Mr. Stallworth, you so crazy.

- Ooh, remember when that lady? - And then that man

and then they both

[Laughter]

What the hell are y'all talkin' about?

You shoulda been there Tone.

Razzamatazz.

Shaker, shaker, one-nine!

[Laugher]

[Donnie gasps]

[Melinda] Ah hah.

I have to use the ladies' room, Mr. Stallworth. You'll give me the key?

Ooh Donnie when I come back, remind me about the grapes.

[Audience laughter]

You know what they say?

Peaches and cream!

[Laughter]

[Melinda laughing]

[Donnie] Ooh...ah ha ha ha.

Okay Donnie, a what's goin' on?

What'd you talk her into?

Nothin' Tone. We just had a great time. You shoulda been there.

I know what you up to Donnie. And listen, Melinda

is off limits.

She works for me, man.

And? I don't see what the problem is.

Ah I get it. You won't share your home wife. Now you don't want to share

your work wife. You are just stingy Tony.

Donnie I'm serious. Now what happens when she kicks you to the curb

and you can no longer come over here to the office to--

wait a minute, that's not a bad idea.

Look man, I'm not tryin' to get with Melinda

but I do know that we'll be good friends.

- What are you jealous? - [Scoffs]

Of Melinda? Please.

I don't know. You tell me, man. This is real high school of ya.

All I'm sayin' is men and women cannot be just friends

without it eventually goin' bad in the end.

What are you talkin' about?

Do, look at Romeo and Juliet?

[Audience laughter]

They died. Bad example.

A but it is possible and I can prove it to you.

[Door closes]

Mr. Stallworth I'mma walk down to the Juice Hut and get us a couple smoothies.

- Come with me friend. - Hm hm, with pleasure.

You hear that Tone? Friend.

- Hold on. Let me get the door for ya. Don't touch that. - Oh.

My mama raised me better than that. Come here, girl.

Oh she did!

Guh a hah ha!

[Audience laughter]

[Instrumental Music]

So Professor Gentry, I am proud to say I've

had over one thousand views in a day!

Yeah, so I sent it to all my friends and family to share.

[Male speaker] It was very good Lisa. Those characters you created

have some very interesting lives. I look forward

seeing what happens with them next. Keep up the great work.

Thank you. I will.

[Door bangs] What the hell is this?

Can you please learn how to knock?

I'm bout to knock the teeth out yo mouth.

That's rude.

You have a gay female character in your

blog who teases men and women to get what she wants?

I'm talkin' bout Raquel.

- Yes! - Oh and another character who's some...

sassy, sexy cougar but can't keep a man because she asks for too much stuff.

As if there's such a thing.

Yes! Lorraine.

So y'all read my blog. What you, what you think?

I think you think you slick.

Mm hm. How dare you put all of our family

business out there for all your readers to read on that stupid

- ...blog. - What? What are you talkin' about your business?

All of that is totally made up.

- Oh yeah? Totally made up? - Yeah.

- Liza? - Yeah and her 2 sisters...

who can't keep a husband because they have daddy issues.

Oh but not Liza, the planned one.

Mm hm.

Liza the perfect angel who had to suppress her talent...

- ...to appease her round, rich, dumb husband... - Talent.

who just happened to catch a lucky break.

- Tony's not dumb. - [Lori scoffs]

Lisa!

Oh I thought we had company. I didn't realize it was just

Cuba Gooding Cougar and Morris Chest-hair.

[Audience laughter]

Whatever, Sugar daddy.

Oh, clearly you haven't read your wife's latest blog

- cause you all up in it. - He is not though. - Mm hm.

Oh yeah? What about Antoine, the smooth and handsome athlete?

Yeah, yeah Tony. So what's wrong with that?

Oh that that that's good actually, that's about on point.

But a what about this one here?

A right before she was about to leave him,

he wins the mega pot in Vegas

Ha! See? There's definitely some truth in that.

Anybody who reads this blog is gonna know you're talking about us.

No, no they won't. This is what you call good, creative writing. It's just

really simply a coincidence.

- [Overlapping voices[ - Coincidence? - It's messed up.

- Mom, are you following me on social media again? - No honey.

- Why? - Because you're doing so much.

And all don't want all my friends in our family business.

- See. See. - Ta ha, didn't I just say that. - What are you...

talkin' about, Devin?

- Like, like Devon. - Mmm.

How he had to come back from school early cause he's on academic probation.

And how he came home and his parents had turned his room into a

- kinky love lounge. - Oh no. Uh uh.

Like, yuck!

- Yuuuk! [Flapping tongue] - I don't want to know about all that.

- That's nasty. - Yeah.

- Y'all gettin' your freak on.

- [Overlapping chatter] - Alright. Okay, okaaaay!

[Audience laughter]

I will figure it out, alright. No need to get all upset.

I will figure this thing out. I just need to get some fresh air.

Yeah. I'm a need a padlock on my door.

- Okay, you know I saw?. - Daddy that's been, that's nasty...

- ...For real? That's nasty. - Things happen. Things happen.

- My room! - No, we weren't--

[Tires screeching]

I still want the padlock on my door.

[Audience laughter]

[Instrumental Music]

[Instrumental Music]

So Antoine has mornin' breath, huh?

I thought you were

sleeping Tony.

Mm hm. I am but Antoine's not.

[Audience laughter]

Okay Tony I can assure you that all the characters in my blog are made up.

You sure about that Lisa?

Cause if not, I got some gossip for you.

Donnie and Melinda went on a date

and now they're supposedly good friends.

What's wrong with that?

- You don't think that's strange? - No, they're both single.

Why, you jealous Tony?

You got a little ting ting for your assistant?

[Audience laughter]

You askin' me or Antoine?

And don't put that in your blog, Lisa.

Let's get back to the Donnie and Melinda thing.

All I'm sayin' is, Donnie's is gonna say somethin' dumb

and Melinda's gonna say somethin' rude.

Yes, and how does their business affect you in any way?

Donnie's gonna start stalkin' her, Melinda's gonna tase him,

and I'm a get caught in the middle.

[Audience laughter]

Whatever, okay. I've got my own problems.

My sisters won't even talk to me until I take the blog down.

that's all I had to do to get He-Man and Skeletor to get out of my castle?

[Audience laughter]

Hand me that computer. Let me type up some stuff.

Are you still mad at me?

Depends.

- Does art imitate life? - Not in this case.

I'm just making stuff up, okay? Unlike Liza,

Lisais very satisfied with Tony.

Oh okay, well let's work on another chapter then.

You like a paperback or hardcover?

[Tony snickering]

[Instrumental Music]

- Okay Tony, leave on the, not on the-- - It dun look--

- [Lori clears throat] Hoa. - [Muffled Tony and Lisa chatter]

- Huh uh - Uh oh.

What is this?

This is a mandatory family meeting

led by your tall, attractive

tease of a sister.

Don't you mean your tall tease of a brother?

What's up, people?

Me and Melinda were in the neighborhood hiking and

figured we'd come over for lunch.

Hiking? Uh, Donnie you've never been hiking in your life.

I mean not since we met.

That's what I told Melinda.

And bein' the good friend that I am, I took him hikin' for the very first time

and you almost made it to the top of the trail.

Oh wow, I'm impressed Donnie.

Okay now I know y'all datin' cause Donnie don't work out for nobody.

Hey man look, we're just friends.

- Strictly friends, okay. - Mm hm.

You hear that, Lisa?

Friends. The cling-on best friend and the loud alley-rat ninja turtle rat

- ...are just friends. - Tell it. Tell it.

- See - Mm hm. - Wait a minute Lisa,

[Squealing] ...who are you callin' loud!

Okay, you bout to be called unemployed.

[Audience laughter]

- What she said. - [Lori coughs]

Listen, I told y'all I was writing, okay?

Creative fiction.

What's the creative expression. You didn't even change my character's name.

His name is Don. Last name, E.

[Overlapping shouting]

That is wack!

Now that's the problem right there.

It's all about you.

- Stop! - Nah nah no. A eh I juh--

Baby sis, I just don't understand what made you think it was okay to

- ...put our business in the streets? - Thank you.

The professor taught us to write what we know.

He pushes us to create more views because "views

pay dues." Hah, that's what he said.

Eah, Ah I've gotten over a hundred thousand views.

- [In unison] Whaaa? - That's-- - Wow.

- That's reality star numbers - Woa, baby girl.

He taught us how to monetize.

What's that mean?

Here.

What's that?

This is your cut from what I made from the blog.

Oah, hush money.

- Well hush up and give me mine. - Oh.

I mean it's not a lot but I wasn't expecting anything so

You mean they pay you just to make stuff up?

Yeah, somethin' like that.

But it's not worth havin' all of you mad at me

so I will delete it. [Rolling tongue]

[Overlapping voices] - Wait, wait, wait, just just hold.

Hold tight.

I'm tryin' to get some new Jordans.

Would you like to hear a story about how Devon threw a party

and got away with it?

This based on a true story?

Dad, Devon,not Devin.

Oh yeah and I got a lot of stories about Raquel and all the

crazy girls she's been with.

And what if, what if Lorraine

goes through the hood keying up all her exes cars and does not get caught for it.

- Mm. - Mm. - Now that's Wonder Woman.

So wait, I'm really confused.

Ah wah, we didn't know that you would get paid to exploit us.

So you mean to tell me all this lil complainin' you guys did

since you made a little money, everything's okay now?

- [Collectively] Yes! - Basically, yeah.

- You catch on quick. - Look we're tryin' to tell you

[Instrumental Music]

[Instrumental Music]

I can't believe I just had deep fried Twinkies.

How did you find that place anyway?

You'd be surprised what you could find on the internet.

Found me a real special offer,

got it!

- Ah ha, well I guess that makes you special then. - [Laughter]

Nah, you're the special one.

I can't imagine why Tony wouldn't want you and I

bein' friends.

Oh you know how he is. He like to be in control a everythang.

Can you believe that he said that this would end with us

not even gettin' along.

You know I'm really glad that we decided to hang out the last few days.

It's been really fun. I underestimated you.

I've been tryin' to tell you just cause I ain't got no money, I'm still a good time.

[Laughter]

I'm jokin' but a

I'm glad too.

This is the moment where Tony and I would

- ...fist bump to get out of this moment. - Mmm hm.

Well I'm a lady so

don't fist bump me.

Good.

[Audience cheering and clapping]

Look um Donnie,

I haven't had a male friend like you in a very long time.

And, I don't really want to mess this up.

Agreed.

Ah hah uh

we'll always have Razzamatazz.

[Audience laughter]

Shaker, shaker, one-nine.

[Laughter]

Just friends?

Just friends.

For now.

Yo.

Ah ha. A ha ha.

Is that a roach? I think I see--

[Audience laughter]

I see you two love birds are at it again, huh?

Oh a nah man. We just friends.

It's the homie right here.

[Laughter] Just friends havin' lunch.

- Yep...okay. - Mm hm.

Ah yeah. Um I'm a

go ahead and roll.

Where you goin'?

I have to go--

To the--

the store with the books

to get me one and return it.

Yep.

But you can't even read, bruh.

[Audience laughter]

That's why I'm goin' to the store!

[Laughter]

[Exhales]

He make a move on you yet?

Hmm?

Um, yep.

[Chuckling]

When is that brutha gonna realize that he does not stand a chance?

Right?! [Laughter]

Crazy.

[Instrumental Music]

[Instrumental Music]

[Instrumental Music]