Original subtitles

[Instrumental Music]

- Right. - Jus, jus, just a little off the top.

- Got you, baby. - Alright.

My bad, man. Watch out, man. You see me walkin'.

Donnie! [Laughing]

What you doin' with a Rubik's Cube, man.

You gotta watch your step. You bumpin' into my customers.

First of all, he bumped into me, ok.

Second of all, it's not the Rubik's Cube it's the glasses.

Turns out when you don't need glasses. Puttin' on makes you see worse.

Then why are you wearing the glasses, dumbass.

Ah ha. Glad you asked.

Same reason I'm solving this Rubik's Cube.

To prove that I am no longer a doomass.

But you still look like a doomass.

Ah ha! But appearances can be deceptive.

See, ever since I found out that my father's a brain surgeon,

I think that I inherited his smart genes.

So, I've been trying to act like it.

Last time you tried to act smart, you was yelling into an

envelope trying to send a voice mail.

[Laughing]

So, let me get this straight. You think there are smart genes?

They got smart phone and smart cars, why wouldn't they have smart genes?

You know what.

Regardless of your ah, intentions, I think getting to know your roost is a good thing.

I always think it's good to know where you're from. You know.

Why it don't matter.

Don't matter?

Look brother, I think if you wanna get to know the present you understand the past.

Naw, man. I don't buy that,

Shoot. Me and my family went to Africa.

Went to the beach, where our people were stolen from.

Mhmm. That must have been deep.

Yeah, it was deep.

My family was down on that beach and all of them was cryin'.

- Mmm. - And you know what I felt?

A deep connection with the motherland?

Naw.

A felt a deep connection with my Mother, man.

She had all the sandwiches and wouldn't share with me.

Boy, you didn't feel a connection?

Man, I was tryin' to connect, but I wanted to connect a sandwich to my mouth.

I'm just sayin', it ain't about that.

Ok, brother. but technically you're from there.

Yeah, my daddy from Cleveland. Should I weep every time Lebron change teams?

Ah ha! I solved it!

Turns out all you gotta do is switch the stickers to the side that you want 'em to go on.

And you too, can be a genius.

You gotta do all sides though, brother.

Well, I mean let start with the one and see what happens.

♪ Woke and my wife said to me

♪ The bill collectors want their fees

♪ Kids keep talkin' back to me

♪ Family Time

♪ Family Time, Family Time, Family Time

[Instrumental Music]

Hey Lisa, you ever wondered where you're from.

Ahh, we grew up in nearly the same neighborhood, Tony.

No, I mean like where your parent's parents are from.

My grandparents?

No, like your great, great,great, great grandparents.

Probably from Africa, Tony.

[Laughs] Yeah, probably.

Your ancestors are probably fromAfrica too.

- Yes. I'm aware.- Ok.

No, I was just thinking about lookin' into our genealogy.

Oh no, let's let sleeping dogs lie.

Last time we went diggin' into our past, we thought we werecousins.

Yeah, but we're not cousins.

Yeah, but what if we found out we actually were?

That would definitely explain, Devin

[Knocking]

This boy.

[Chuckles]

Oh, what's up Lisa? Girl you gettin' thick, you better chill out now.

Man, take off them glasses.

I think they make me look smarter, Ton.

Quick ask me a question only a smart person would know.

What's the capital of Lithuania?

Easy L.

He got you there, Tony.

It's not me, it's the glasses.

Let me see those.

Aw, naw. They wouldn't work for brother. I got the smart genes.

Something smell good. Hey Lisa, what you cookin'?

Um, not for you.

Cheryl's bringing over her man tonight.

When will Cheryl realize to stop messing with these scrubs. I'm the one for her.

Ah, there six billion people in this world,

and I'm sure she'd date half of them before she'd think about dating you.

Psst. There's no way she'd date two and half billion dudes before me.

Heh, she'd be too tired.

Who got that type of stamina?

Donnie, I'm thinking of looking into my genealogy.

Aw, don't do that brother.

Stay away from that you never know what you could find out.

What's the worse that could happen?

Aww, man. That chick Ava Duvernay, who made that Selma movie...

She found out...

We the only ones here, right?

She found out her ancestors were slaves.

I know.

It's not me, it's the glasses. I'm tellin' ya.

I think it's good to know things.

For better, or worse.

Yeah, what if you found your ancestors were murders?

Some of them probably were.

Umm hmm, what if you found they weren't Kobe fans?

That would hurt, but I would find a way to work through it.

Alright, I'm in. Cover me.

Cover you?

Yeah, pay for my genealogy test.

I wanna find out, too.

I never agreed to pay for your genealogy test.

I wonder if you ancestors were as selfish as you are.

Hey, Lisa.

You paying?

[Instrumental Music]

Aww, man you put your foot in this.

Thank you so much for having me for dinner, Lisa.

Eh, I helped too.

Oh, Tony. What did you make?

Yes Tony, I would love to know what part of dinner you helped with.

I helped keep Lisa on task.

Ok, every time she got distracted. I said come girl we gotta finish this food.

We meetin' Cheryl's new boyfriend tonight.

Well, I appreciate that brother.

My man.

How did you two meet?

Oh, it was basically a scene out of a romantic comedy.

So there I am, downtown.

Fighting a parking ticket.

Which was totally unfair by the way

I was barely parked in front of that fire hydrant.

Oh, oh, oh, you're never suppose to park in front of a hydrant.

And why is that, Lisa?

A fireman can't put a hose over my car?

Yeah, that's the argument she used in court.

Now, I'm, I'm a lawyer. I heard everything.

I've never heard.

[Imitating Cheryl] A fireman can't put a hose over my car, argument.

[All Laughing]

I still had to pay the ticket.

And the judge almost held me in contempt of court.

But Benjamin, had already arrested my heart.

Mmm.

[Laughing] Isn't that so cute, Tony?

Uh, that'll fade.

So listen as a lawyer, what is like the dumbest criminal you ever met?

Oh, I got one. I got one.

Listen so I had this potential client who allegedly, he did it, right.

Robbed a gas station, and then made off with all the scratch-offs.

So the police are interrogating him and they have nothing on him, ok.

I mean like the security footage is fuzzy, and the cashier can't pick him up out of a line up.

Ok, I'm guessing he's gonna mess this up.

Oh yep, yep, yep. So the cop says that due to

the value of the scratch-offs this could be a felony.

Oh, that's funny. Cause I have a scratch-off story myself.

Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, you won the lottery.

Ok, we get it, stop interrupting.

Anyway, right back to my brilliant client, right,

So he tells the cops. I scratched off all the

scratch-offs and they was worthless.

[All Laughing]

But he has a little bit of luck because I got him a misdemeanor

And a hard lesson in never talk to the police.

He has like a million stories like that.

Yes, and I have a lot more, but I have to use the restroom.

Right down the hall.

[Laughing]

The incense are under the sink, brother.

Isn't he terrific!?

He seems amazing.

[Over The Top] Oh yes girl, he's fabulous.

No, no, in all seriousness. Um, I think you have a winner.

- Really? - Mmm hmm.

Oh my god, Tony. That means so much to me.

It's so important that you guys like him.

Hmm.

[Sighs] Because...

I'm gonna propose to him.

[Laughs] Yeah.

[Instrumental Music]

Wait you're going to propose to Benjamin?

I know isn't it great?

Isn't it a little too, soon?

And I mean, don't proposals usually happen the other way around.

Ok, Tony. You are just to old fashioned.

It's 2018.

Men propose to women, women propose to men.

Men and women propose to each other. It's wild.

I don't maybe I'm a little too old fashion.

Ok, hold on now, hashtag time's up.

I thought the playing field was even now.

Ok, y'all need to make up y'all minds.

I mean you're right.

I don't know, Cheryl maybe it's too soon.

Oh..

Ok, it's too soon. That's easy for you to say

because you know you're married with two grown kids.

Look I know I'm flawlessly fabulous with the skin

goddess and the body of a twenty year old.

But time is gonna run out for me too, Lisa.

Ok, do you have any idea how expensive it is to freeze your eggs?

And idea? It cost a lot. It's a lot.

You know what. You can use our fridge for free, if you want.

Use your fridge for what?

Uh, I was just proposing, that...

- Umm. - Welp, not propose, propose.

Ain't nobody proposin' about nothing.

Mmm, I was just telling Cheryl, that she can use our

fridge as a storage.

- Yeah for her eggs. - For, um, ah, eggs.

Right, for I bought too many eggs.

So, what can I say, I love a good sale.

Ah, good girl. You know

fitness experts propose,,,

that eggs are an excellent source of protein.

[Hitting Table]

[Instrumental Music]

Alright here's your's, Lisa.

This one's you, Donnie.

This one's me.

Alright let's find out where we're from.

[Papers Rustling]

Whaaat?

Wher, wh, where are you from, Tony?

Upt, it says here that I have some,

some Kenyan, some Ghana, a little West Indian,

and some Zulu.

Owh wow, Zulu.

Yeah, yeah. Look at this. It says I'm a direct descendant of Shaka.

Chaka Khan!?

Man, you are lucky, dude.

First you win the lottery. Now you gonna inherit that "Ain't Nobody" money.

Tell me something good.

Not that Chaka. Shaka Zulu.

Who's that?

He's one of the biggest African monarchs.

This is amazing.

He was one of the most badass military leaders of all time.

Ha.

I know he all disappointed that his heir is some tame, suburban husband.

[Laughing] -Tame?

I can whoop your ass.

Let's change the subject. Lisa, what are you?

Um, apparently I'm white.

You don't look white

Specially, with all that ass.

Right and them hip and them lips.

Hey! Hey, hey!

Yeah, yeah. I mean according to this colonial

French and English, with a little scattered African.

Um hmm. Scattered in all the right places.

[Gigglling] - But,

I did know that, that, I could tell you had a little bit of white in ya.

How?

Cause you're always ordering those fancy mocha-loca yacki-aki, frappa-yappa-do's.

So what those are delicious.

[Laughing] I'm with Ton, on this one Lisa.

Those yappa-dappy-frappy-do's are definitely a white woman thing.

What. Ever.

What'd you get, Donnie.

[Sighs]

It's hard to see with these glasses on.

Take the damn glasses off man.

I am mostly Italian?

[Chuckles] - Italian?

That's crazy. Cause you look, black.

Then again, so did you Lisa.

I am black.

Oh, I know. I can smell them hot combs burnin' at night.

Oh, psst, oh.

I guess it makes sense though. Italians are the blackest of all white people.

I mean they have darker skin, they're very religious, and

they're both into organized crime.

Ok, that's a very ugly stereotype of both communities.

It's true, though! I mean the bloods and crips might not be as

organized as the Cosa Nostra, but you get the point.

Ah plus, Italians and black men both share a certain type of

physical quality, if you know what I mean.

Oh, that is right.

How you know that's true, Lisa?

Oh huh, Tony.

How you know it's true?

I don't know that it's true, per se. I mean I think.

[Instrumental Music]

You know tell me again, why were not doing this at your place?

Oh, because he'll never see it coming here.

Yeah, I don't see Benjamin seeing a proposal coming from anywhere.

We already lit the candles and put out the flowers.

You really want me to move everything.

No, it's fine.

Ok, good. So can I practice on you?

The proposal?

Yeah, I mean I've never proposed to anyone before.

Yeah and I hope you never do it again.

This is weirder than a DMX Christmas album, but I'll go along with it.

- Oh my god. - Ok.

Don't start crying. No, no, no. We're just practicing.

Ok. No It's just so beautiful. I'm sorry, ok.

[Giggling]

[Sighs]

Benjamin, the last few months have

I'm sorry. Can you just use my name,

you know instead. I just really need to get into it.

Oh yeah, yeah, sure.

[Sighs]

Lisa, the last few months have been amazing.

And it made me realize that, I wanna spend the rest of my life with you.

And when you realize you wanna spend the rest of your life with someone,

you want the rest of your life to start right now.

- Will you marry me? - Yes!

[Both] Yes!

A thousand times yes. Oh my gosh.

- It was good? - We have to do invitations.

Yes, yes, oh my goodness.

I wanna renew my vows.

- Awwe. - It was so good.

Can I be your maid of honor. Go, go, go.

Wait, wait. Can I listen from the kitchen?

No, only if you're very quiet.

Well you know this is my house right?

I would die if people thought I lived here.

Cheryl!

Benjamin, come in.

Door closing.

What is all this?

Where are Tony and Lisa?

Lisa. Uh, Benjamin.

Um, a, the last few months were amazing. Ignore that.

Um,

I realized that you...

Wait, hold, hold on Cheryl.

This is all amazing, but...

I can't marry you.

[From Kitchen] Why the hell not!

Lisa!

Yeah, why the hell not.

Cause I'm already married.

Oh my god, oh my god.

Wait a minute, Cheryl.

[Door Slams]

Hold on, hold on, just one second.

One sec, one sec.

Wait, wait, wait, both shoes. Damn.

[Instrumental Music]

[Instrumental Music]

What in the Chaka Khan are you doin'?

Ah, ah, ah, it's Zulu, Shaka Zulu.

Ton, Halloween been pass.

Man, what's goin' on, man.

ha haha ha! Very funny, that's funny.

[Jamaican Accent] Listen my friend, I have just found out

that I am a direct descendant of Shaka Zulu.

So, I'm trying to connect with my roots.

You, you like an extra from roots, man.

What the hell are you doin'. man.

You feet ashy as hell, too. You see that.

I do see this. This is how it is in the mother land.

Look it is funny.

Make jokes at my expense, that is fine.

It is not your fault.

Look Tony, I ain't got time for this.

No, no, no, I'm not finished.

The reason why you make jokes at my expense, is because

Your ignorance due to the fact that you have lost your connection to the Motherland.

I ain't got time for this, man. I got customers, I gotta get back to work.

You are right. You are right.

Get out of here, brother.

Go, go.

No, no, no, no, no, ah you go back, man.

Ton, you gotta wait your turn.

A direct descendant of Shaka Zulu does not require a turn.

My brother free yourself.

From the shackles of this electronic device that has fooled you

into believing it makes you look more civilized.

Come, come, come.

Go, go, go.

Let your outward expression be expressed.

Dog, what are you doin'? That's one of my best customers.

Rodney, Rodney, Rodney.

[Grunt]

It is not your fault, but as a friend.

I'm going to need you to stop

stripping our African American ancestors

of their heritage with your dope fades.

Man, you burning my face, man.

Sorry.

Your breath is like a combination of zebra, and goat ass.

Tony, if you don't stop chasing customers outta my shop

With your fake Africa Bambaataa lookin I'm gonna take my right foot

and put it so far in your ass.

Hey, hey, hey.

[Speaking Like a Mafioso] If it isn't all my friends in the barbershop, huh.

Am I in the twlight zone? What's going on?

Rodney, my friend.

Allow me to greet you with the two customary kisses on the cheek, Italian style.

Get in here, huh.

Yo, yo, yo. Do not kiss me, man.

I'mma gut you like a goat.

I'll ignore that.

Antonio.

- Hey. - Whaaat's uuuppp?

How are you?

My friend. I am very good actually.

Ah, let me explain.

Donnie, has just found out he is Italian.

- Italian? - Italian.

- Donnie? - Yes.

Do that mean I get free bake ziti?

That's offensive, I'll ignore that.

Ok, I came here cause I got an offer to make

yous that yous can't refuse.

Alright, cool let's hear it.

Take a walk with me.

So you run a business, eh.

Let's call it barber shop, huh.

Be shame if any thing happen to it.

Or to yous.

Ok, Donnie. What are you gettin' at, man?

Ah, it's a nice place.

Could use a little protection.

In exchange for my protection, why don't you ah, give me some of your profits.

Let me get this straight, Donnie. You trying to shake me down.

Hey man, look put the razor down brother. I'm just trying to connect with my roots.

Alright.

You know what you and African Bambadda, y'all get over here

and you take your fake Donnie Whacko self and these ashy ass feet

and get the hell outta here. So I can get back to my customers.

Y'all understand me?

You are right. You are right. I will go back in no time.

- Get you some lotion, man. - Ok.

- Hey, hey, Antonio. - Yes.

How bout we get outta here and I treat you to an African pizza, huh?

A little cannoli, little spinach, huh.

- Does it sound good? - It sounds very good.

Let's get some lotion, I'll find lotion.

So Rodney, it's always a pleasure.

Be a shame if anything happened to your place while I was gone.

Take it, ah.

I'm gonna...

Who next?

[Instrumental Music]

You had no idea he was married?

No, just a general feeling, that everything was too good to be true.

This is just how some guys are.

Yea. My ex-husband was a dirt bag, he's a dirt bag.

You'll find the right one, Cheryl.

Lisa, what if I don't.

You know, I'm worried I'm gonna wind up settling.

I was strong enough to say no when my ex-husband came crawling back.

But what if i'm not strong enough if he comes crawling back?

And believe me he will come crawling back.

- Ah. [Knocking]

They always do.

Upt.

Speak of the devil. He came crawlin' back, Cheryl.

Should I hide?

- No, no, no. - What do I do?

Ok, I'm gonna let him in.

But no matter what he says.

You just tell him to hit the road.

- Ok, hit the road. Yeah - Ok.

- Hit the road, that's what you tell him. - Yeah.

Hi. Um...

- Cheryl, here? - Umm hmm.

Wouldn't you like to know. You cheatin', lyin'...

Lisa, Lisa.

I got it. Thank you, so much.

Thank you.

These are for you.

Oh, well that's sweet.

The "I'm so sorry, I forgot to tell you I'm married." flowers.

Bye, hit the road.

Please, please, please, listen. You ran out before I could explain.

And you've been ignoring all my phone calls.

Ok.

So here's your big chance.

So why don't you tell me the real reason you didn't tell me you have a wife.

We've been separated.

We've been separated for two years now,

and the divorce doesn't get finalized until a month from now.

And you know how it is with two lawyers. We've been nitpickin' every part of the contract.

So, you're single.

No, I'm with you girl.

And I just got out of a marriage. So if you don't mind.

Maybe we can slow walk into my next one.

Yes, of course.

I'm not, I'm not in any rush. I'm just...

I wanted you to know, that you make me really happy.

[Mwah] I'm gonna fix the flowers.

I can fix, I can put them in water.

- I think I got a pitcher. - Don't, don't worry. Don't worry.

I plan on showering you with many more.

Mmm.

For many, many, years to come.

Lisa.

- Ah, yeah. - Can we get a moment.

Ump, don't you live around the corner. Oh, ok.

Go on, girl.

This ain't a game.

[Instrumental Music]

[Instrumental Music]

We regret to inform you there has been a terrible mix up in our lab.

Please accept our deepest apologies and your corrected genealogy reports.

So, I'm not Italian?

I guess that's good.

Cause I kinda got tired of gesturing with my hands like this all the time.

Welp, let's find out what we really are.

Ah man, I'm black.

Yeah, me too.

Well interesting enough, I found out I'm a descendent of Abraham Lincoln.

So you're both welcome.

Ha, and you're both free to go.

[Laughs] Don't go see no plays.