Original subtitles

[Instrumental Music]

What is that noise? That better not be Ebony down there burning her edges again.

Thought you were gonna teach that girl how to do her hair.

It's not the smoke detecter, Tony. It sounds like it's coming from outside.

Good, cause if that was those bad ass tricker treaters,

leavin' a burnin' bag of boo boo on my porch, all hell is gonna break loose.

[Audience laughter]

No, trick or treaters don't come until tonight. It's still morning.

What the hell was it then?

Wait a minute. What are those big trucks doin' out there?

We didn't forget to pay the car note again, did we?

No. No it, oh.

Looks like new neighbors are movin' in.

Hmm. They musta caught hell gettin' them squatters outa there.

They're probably gonna need some renovations.

Stallworth construction to the rescue.

Tony you are always thinkin' about business.

Cause you're always thinkin' about spendin' money.

Shut up.

Aww, I'm really gonna miss our old neighbors.

Who, them squatters or the Jacksons, them old hippies who used to live there?

Yeah, the Jacksons. They used to bake us those

cakes and the brownies and the pies, remember?

Yeah I'm surprised you do. Last time you had one of those brownies,

you put on a mustache and insisted I call you Cheech.

[Audience laughter] I did?

Yes.

Looh, and let's not forget, they also used to offer Devin and Ebony Kool-aid.

Yeah. Well it was a nice gesture.

A little racist but you know, still nice.

I have a good feeling about our neighbors. Maybe their doctors.

Ooh, I hope not.

I am not tryin' to get a physical from my husband and

then invite him into my man-cave.

What you think this is, Prostate and Chill?

[Laughter]

Oah, maybe they have little kids. Devin and Ebony can have play dates with them.

Ah Lisa, Devin and Ebony are almost grown.

Devin plays too much and Ebony ain't datin' until she's at least thirty...

five.

Well I mean I hope we can at least can get along with them. I just

pray they don't bring bed bugs and roaches into the neighborhood.

Too late. Rachel and Lori are already here.

[Audience laughter]

[Theme Music]

♪ Woke up and my wife said to me ♪

♪ The bill collector's want their fees ♪

♪ The kids keep talkin' back to me ♪

♪ Family Time

♪ Family Time

♪ Family Time

♪ Family Time

♪ Oah ho ho hoa yeah

[Instrumental Music]

Too too too too too too.

Ebony, just the debutante I've been wanting to see.

Okay question, what do you have on here?

It is Halloween. This is my costume.

Yeah, don't you think it's a little mature.

I don't think your dad is gonna approve.

He'll be fine.

Mmm, I'm gonna need you to take that dress off.

Try on my old debutante dress.

Mom, the debutante ball isn't until next week.

I have plenty of time to play dress up.

Plus, Dominique's coming by and we're heading to this Halloween party.

It's gonna be litty.

But it's so beautiful.

A timeless white gown never goes out of style.

Mom it has to be Instyle first.

What?

But it looks just like the dress from your favorite store, Forever Eighteen.

More like Forever One Hundred and Eighteen, Mom.

I'm not trying to look like Carrie on her prom night.

- But Ebony come on, this is. - Can we...

please talk about this later. I have to pick up my wig.

Ooh.

[Audience laughter]

Fine.

[Lisa] Tssh.

A Lisa, why does it look like a 1980's quinceañera puked on my couch?

It's my old debutante stuff. I was hoping Ebony would wear it

to her ball next week.

Mm.

Okay and what the hell does she have on now?

It's called a costume, Dad. I'm Dorothy from The Wiz.

I Wiz you would.

You better click your heels 3 times together and poof into somethin' else.

[Audience laughter]

Go on! What's wrong with her?

I'm not trying to have no little munchkins runnin'

- around here. - Tell me about it. [Doorbell rings]

- Hm. - Tell me though.

- Say somethin' back.

The Wiz?

Huh, she's a trip.

- Oah. - Wheh, wheh, wait a minute. Wait a minute.

Ooh.

Aah, hello?

[Spooky voice] Good evening.

[Audience laughter]

A little early for trick-or-treaters, don't you think?

Whah, what are you guys dressed up as?

Well I'm wearing a contemporary gown from my collection of the

regalia.

And this fine haberdashery is imported from the Isles of

the Seychelles.

- Hmm. - I'm confused.

They dress like this every day.

[Audience laughter]

I am Francisco.

This is my wife, Victoria.

My son Theodore, and my daughter Alexandria.

And we

are the Blacks.

Hmm. What a coincidence. So are we.

[Lisa] Eeh.

[Francisco laughs maniacally]

Ni, nice to meet you. We're Tony and Lisa Stallworth here.

What can we do for you?

Well we came here to make a formal introduction.

[Mumbling]

And to ask for a favor.

Up, way ahead of you. I'm sure those squatters left your house a mess.

You probably want to redo the floors, the cabinets.

Might as well get a whole new kitchen.

Stallworth Construction at your service.

[Audience laughter]

Well, I have noticed that the previous occupants of our current domicile

did not maintain the proper maintenance of the greenery on our veranda.

Say what?

The hedges in our front yard need to be trimmed.

[Audience laughter]

Would you happen to have the proper instrument to

prune the soaring greenery of our courtyard?

Say what?

Can you lend us some hedge clippers?

Oah oah right right, yes. I'm sure you guys wanna get rid of those

funny little flowers that them hippies left.

Um, I've got some hedge clippers in the garage. I'll bring 'em over in a little bit.

Thank you so much kind sir.

We will be awaiting your arrival.

[Audience laughter]

What the hell was that?

[Audience laughter]

[Instrumental Music]

Ooh, perfection. You look absolutely beautiful.

I look like the end of a toilet paper roll.

Uh, but it's 2 ply,

the good kind.

I remember my debutante

ball like it was yesterday.

My hair was on fleek.

I had the most beautiful gown in the room

and the finest boy in the neighborhood,

Jaleel Jenkins asked Me

to be my escort.

Are you sure you weren't Hisescort?

[Audience laughter]

Shut up. You just mad cause you couldn't escort a debutante

How you doin'?

[Audience laughter]

You are going to loveyour debutante ball.

It's a once in a lifetime opportunity to get treated like a princess the whole day.

I can't wait, Mom.

[Laughter]

Ah, Halloween was yesterday.

Why y'all dressed like ball players?

Steph Curry Goat and Dray-man Green.

[Audience laughter]

And why are you dressed up like ASAP Stocky?

[Audience laughter]

Hey baby girl, why you got on a wedding dress?

You ain't gettin' married no time soon.

Matter of fact, not ever.

Right dad, shouldn't I go change?

Baby I'm just kidding. You're gonna look very pretty for your

debutante ball.

And so I think those new neighbors the Blacks,

they're gonna need a new fence pretty soon by Stallworth construction.

There is nothing wrong with that fence, Tony.

Are you kidding me? All the holes in it, looks like your sister's

been gnawing on 'em all year.

[Audience laughter]

Stop. You're probably overreacting.

No, I'm not. I'm tryin' to get us paid. Look, check it out.

Let's see this face.

[Sighs]

What's wrong, Ebony?

This whole debutante stuff just isn't for me.

Oah. I'm right there with you, baby girl.

m I wasn't crazy about 'em myself when I was your age.

I never really enjoyed being a girly girl back then.

- Yeah, you just enjoyed havin' all the... - Okay ladies!

Can you please?

My mom is really passionate about this whole debutante stuff and I'm not.

How do I tell her that without hurting her feelings?

- Mmm - Mmm hm, honey.

- Ah, - The debutante ball has been

a family tradition for generations

and generations. It's just been a long time.

Since the slaves?

Oh, no. It doesn't go back that far. Um, what she's

trying to say is that

um there's really no easy way to let your mom down.

I mean she's gonna be upset so

- you just gonna have to fake it the way Lori does... - Can you please?

I'm 16.

[Instrumental Music]

[Instrumental Music]

Yeah, now she's gettin' you to buy that fake stuff.

Now they gonna have to replace all them gutters.

And they could use some double-paned windows too.

- Tony! - Uap.

[Audience laughter]

Cheryl, what the hell you doin' in my backyard?

Well I came over to help Ebony with the debutante ball,

but I think the better question is...

were you just being a peeping Tony?

What!

Mm. Lisa's not enough for you, huh? You have to

spy on Francisco's wife Victoria, too?

Cheryl, hell no. I was just tryin' to catch my neighbors in the act.

Oah in the act, of what?

Hm, you know what, let me not judge. My ex husband had the same fetish.

Oah Cheryl, knock it off.

Look, I know what my neighbors are up to.

They're takin' bids from other contractors,

so I'm takin' notes on the work that they need to get done

so I can undercut the competition.

Tony that's smart. Taking advantage of the new neighbors.

So now you're thinkin'.

You know what?

They might need my even planning services as well.

I'm gonna bring them a brochure later.

Oah shhh shhh shhh, look at this.

See? See?

Now they're bringing in a big old rolled up carpet out of a huge van. Oah,

man those traitors!

I was gonna cut them a hell of deal too.

You would think the Blacks would look out for a black-owned business.

No, no, no. They seemed uppity and weird when I met them this morning.

- You met 'em? - I did.

They was bougie as hell, wadn't they?

Exactly! Bougie, that's the word.

- You know what else I found out? - Hmm?

They prefer pumpkin pie

to sweet potato pie. Which is

you know, enough said.

And also, they did want to borrow my hatchet.

Hm.

Oah, wow, wow. What the hell do you have a hatchet for?

Doesn't everyone? I mean it's not like I use it to cut up bodies or anything.

You sure your husband left you or is he an unsolved mystery.

[Audience laughter]

Wah wah wait. Look at this. Look at this.

See, see, see? Now that carpet that has

a lot of lumps in it that they're takin' out is stained with somethin'.

- Take a look. - Aah.

- Mm hm. - I don't see anything, Tony.

- Huh. Oah. - Zoom in.

How do you? Where did they go?

- Good evening Tony's. - Oah!

[Cheryl awkwardly laughs] Is there something in particular you were

looking for, hmm?

Ah look Cheryl,

Yeah I'm here for something else.

Lisa? Lisa?

Um, would you be interested in joining the neighborhood watch?

Oh that's what you're doin', watchin' your neighbors?

Yep, yep, just, just watchin' the neighborhood. That's it.

[Instrumental Music]

Ooh this is going to be

per oh perfect timing. Hey baby, question.

What do you think about a tiara?

Some girls like it. Some girls don't.

Um, I think I'm a part of the group that doesn't.

Okay, well that's fine. You know what? We can just do a necklace.

A nice, classy necklace.

Maybe some pearls. Yes.

This isn't really my style.

No? Okay, you know what? I agree.

I didn't like pearls either. My mother always made me wear 'em. She was

so pushy.

Mom, this isn't working.

What? Oh that's fine.

You know I could just get you some earrings.

- Some really... - Okay, no Mom. This whole debutante ball. I just...

can't get into it. It's not for me.

I'm really sorry.

What do you mean Ebony? I thought you liked it.

Huh, I only told you that because I didn't want to hurt your feelings.

Well, are you sure you wanna break the tradition?

This has been going on for years.

Look, if I did go through with it, it wouldn't be sincere.

And I don't want to waste your time and money on something I don't really enjoy.

Oah

m'kay. I see.

But, maybe we can start a new tradition like

shopping sprees every Saturday?

[Audience laughter]

Mm, very funny Ebony.

Little jokester. You know, if you didn't want to do it you could've just told me.

I would've understood.

Mom, you woulda put me up for adoption.

You know what? Yeah, you're probably right.

[Audience laughter] Mm.

Well, I should get back to studying.

Yeah.

[Door closes]

Lisa, come take a look.

Come here.

Tony, why are you dressed like G.I. Joe Jackson?

[Audience laughter]

Very funny. But for your own information, it's for your own protection. Now come here.

Are you still tryin' to hustle the neighbors for some business?

No, no, no. Forget all that. I saw them doin' somethin' extremely

suspicious. Take a look out the window.

What, what?

- Okay eh what type of neighbors do you know - What are you talkin' about?

borrow a hatchet, hedge clippers, and hate sweet potato pie?

Neighbors who are normal and wanna keep their yard nice, Tony.

They're just I do have to admit though,

the sweet potato thing is kinda odd.

- Ya think? - Yeah.

And if you look a little closer, you'll see that suspicious behavior I was talkin' about.

What suspicious behavior, Tony? They're just

planting something.

Or burying something, and personally I think it's burying.

- I'm tellin' ya, I got some real dirt on them. - You're ridiculous Tony.

They are not burying Oah Hoah! Ooh, Oh my gosh, Tony.

Why are they lowering that box

into the ground, Tony? What's in the box?

- What's in the BOX? - That's what I've been tryin' to tell you.

[Stammering] The hippies moved out and the Mansons done moved in.

[Instrumental Music]

[Instrumental Music]

I can't believe our new neighbors done killed somebody?

Okay Tony, stop it. We really need to just calm down.

Okay, I'm sure there is a rational explanation for all of this.

Why else would they be buryin'' a big ass box in they backyard?

I don't know. Maybe they're just tryin' to hide a spare key

just in case they get locked outa the house.

Six feet under, Lisa? That'd have to be a big ass key.

[Audience laughter]

I'm callin' Cheryl. She was with me when I was spyin' on 'em.

Really Tony, you got Cheryl all wrapped up in this conspiracy theory too?

I sure do.

And for once I'm glad that she barged into our backyard unannounced

cause now I have another witness. Them blacks are strange, Lisa.

They, they always wear black. They wear sunglasses at night,

and they smell like embalming fluid.

How do you know what embalming fluid smells like?

Cause your sisters look like the walking dead.

[Audience laughter]

Never mind on that.

Ooh ooh ooh. [Clears throat]

[Cheryl] Hey.

Hey Cheryl, it's Tony.

Look out your window right now. Them Blacks done killed somebody

and they buryin' them in the backyard.

[Cheryl on Phone] That sounds great.

What is wrong with you, woman?

Look outside your...

Just kidding it's my voicemail this time. Fooled ya.

Leave a message after the beep. Toot-a-loo. [Beep]

Dammit Cheryl.

She gets me with that every single time.

Well why would her phone be dead in the middle of the day

[Squealing] unless she's dead?

They done killed Cheryl!

Tony stop it. You sound crazy.

Do I? Do I? Do I?!

[Audience laughter]

They killed her with my hedge clippers,

chopped her up with her own hatchet, and now they gonna leave her skinny

little red bones down in the dirt to rot.

Oh come on now, Tony. Why would they do something like that?

I don't know? Why Whoopi Goldberg ain't got no eyebrows?

She really doesn't huh?

I'm callin' the police. They ain't gonna come up in here and chop me up.

Yeah.

[Instrumental Music]

Hey.

Hey Lisa, Lisa and the cold ham.

- Hey. - Hello - Girl, I told you about that.

[Laughter]

So Lisa, I just found the perfect bracelet

for Ebony's debutante ball.

- Whose casket did you steal it from? - Your mama?

My mama is your mama, fool.

Well that's very very questionable considering

we consider you the Khloe of the family.

Oh well I know you don't think you Kim.

- Oh, well who else would I be? - Okay, let's...

- Oh no honey cause Kim is - Okay, well maybe I'll... - Stop it.

- give her Kim. - Okay. - Can you stop it?

- No problem. - Ebony's not even going to the debutante ball anymore.

What? How come?

I don't know. I mean she said it's just not for her.

- Mm. - Can you believe it?

All these years of tradition just

ends right now. Shocking, huh?

Um well...

not, not quite.

Well what do, what do you mean, not quite?

Well

she did express to us that she wasn't too thrilled about

the idea of the debutante ball.

Yeah and I mean I can't say I blame her.

I only did it back in the day to make mama happy.

You mean to tell me you two knew about this and you didn't tell me?

Come on, honey.

I mean the writing was on the wall.

That baby's been miserable.

Yeah I mean you can't be this oblivious

all the time, Lisa.

- Look, it's not oblivious. - Oah, oah, oah, oah oah oah.

- Oah oah so now - Love you...

- but you be actin' like you don't know what's goin' on. [Overlapping chatter]

I don't know.

Hey, stop it!

So I know you guys are probably arguing about me.

So I guess it's the right time to tell you that

I'm actually going to the debutante ball.

- Huh? - What? - What?!

What made you change your mind?

Well I found out that the star quarterback of my school

Elijah Thomas, wanted to be my escort.

- Oah star quarterback! - Yeah!

[Overlapping excitement]

- I'm so happy for you! - Move out the way.

Oah.

Like niece, like auntie

Oah baby you go get him. I can just see you two

now the flyest couple at the ball.

But let me just share a little piece of advise.

You make sure he treats you right.

Yeah and if he tries to make you pull a Colin Kaepernick and take a knee,

you stay standin' wit your fist in the air. You feel me?

Alright, okay, so that's great. That's enough of the advice now. Ah Ebony,

we have to make sure that you look like a princess.

And mark my words, a timeless white gown...

- never goes out of style. - Not happening. No, not happening.

Okay well, you know you can just

- go shopping with your aunts at Forever Eighteen. - Forever Eighteen!

Oah this day can't get any better.

Like a shopping spree?

Well I mean you have to look flawless at your debutante ball.

You're the best, Mom.

- Yeah, I'm gonna pick up a couple things for myself too. - Thanks.

Auntie go that. Thank you, sis.

- You know what? - You know I still fit those clothes...

- ...in Forever Eighteen. - You never fit the clothes okay.

Okay Ebony,

- I can fit them. - ...in Forever Eighteen. I'm sorry.

- Love you baby. Can I just, can I get a hug? - Uh huh. Heck yeah.

Okay, well. [Sighs]

Lisa, remember when I called the police last night?

Yeah. Are they still investigating?

Hell no. They showed up. Stayed for a couple minutes and then left like nothin' was wrong.

Maybe because they didn't do anything wrong, Tony. You ever think about that?

Yeah well then what about the disappearance of Cheryl?

The disappearance of Cheryl? I just got your voicemail to come over

and now I'm supposed to disappear?

For future reference, this is why I keep a hatchet.

A Cheryl, get back here.

We thought you were dead.

Why would you think that?

Because I called you all day and you didn't answer.

The only thing dead was my cell phone, Tony. My charger broke.

Well how come you didn't answer when I knocked on the door?

Oah, Saturday night?

You know that's my salsa night con Jose.

AÅaoh! Don't you notice,

Blacks burying something strange in their backyard before I left though.

- We saw it too. - You saw this?

Yes, and Tony thought it was you in that box.

Oh please, I would never be buried in anything that busted.

My casket is gonna be shiny and pink

and rhinestones with my face on it

and don't forget, Debbie Allen, she has to choreograph the pallbearers

and Barbara Streisand's gonna lower me down.

Oaky, okay, okay, now can we stop talkin' about death, please?

It's good though, right?

Look somebody was in that box, and I'm gonna find out who. [Doorbell rings]

Good evening.

[Audience laughter]

[Instrumental Music]

[Instrumental Music]

Well if it isn't the Blacks.

Come to dispose of the witnesses?

- Pardon? - What he meant to say...

was how are you adjusting to the neighborhood?

Not well. Not well at all.

May we come in for a word?

Actually we were just in the middle of some housework so now's not really a good...

Oh no, no, no. Please come in. Come in. What's going on?

[Laughter]

Unfortunately, law enforcement was summoned to our current establishment

accompanied by a plethora of weapondry.

[Audience laughter]

Excuse me?

The po po showed up at our house with a whole bunch of guns.

[Audience laughter]

And I am completely baffled as to why this occurrence happened.

Would you have any idea?

- Me, ah ah. - Okay, so what happened is...

they think that you killed me.

[Stammering] What? Oh see, no, no. Cheryl meant to say

- This is what... - We thought y'all buried her. - Right.

[Audience laughter]

Why on earth would we do somethin' as disastrous as that?

Oh knock it off with the proper talk, already.

Why were y'all buryin' that big ass box in your backyard?

Yeah. Oh.

- Hm. - Well if you must know...

Our beloved Ophelia has perished in the dark abyss

therefore it was our duty to entomb her

[Audience laughter]

Excuse me?

Our cat Ophelia died and we buried her in the backyard.

God rest her soul.

[Audience laughter]

[Collectively] Meow.

Okay, that still doesn't explain why y'all had that big ass box.

It was a big ass cat.

I, I, I mean I am so sorry to hear that. Was she neutered?

Cheryl. [Mumbling under breath]

No, it's fine. It's fine.

We all have an expiration date in life.

[Audience laughter]

Is there anything that we can do to make it up to you?

Well there is one more thing.

My family is the sole proprietor of a bereavement service.

And we would be so honored

if you would use our business

at the right time.

- Huh? - What?

We're morticians. We own the Black Family Mortuary.

Just make sure if someone dies,

you call us to handle the arrangements.

Okay, okay, okay, do you do like a neighborly discount

cause I have been dying to get a pink, shiny

casket like shaped just like me

and when Barbara Streisand sings I pop out!

- We know. - We know, Cheryl .

They don't know.

[Instrumental Music]

[Instrumental Music]