Original subtitles

[Instrumental Music]

Ok, Mom. You can open your eyes.

Aw, Ebony. Aren't you just as pretty as a princess.

Or should I say Sophomore Queen?

I hope so.

And thanks for letting me shop for my dress with my friends.

Oh, baby you did good.

You did so good, this is beautiful.

Let me see the back.

Does it feel good? Is it tight enough?

Hi, Daddy.

Awe, look at my little girl.

All dressed up just to welcome home dear ol' dad.

Doesn't she look fabulous, Tony?

Aw, she gets if for her, mama.

But eh, where's the rest of it?

The rest of what?

That dress.

You need a turtle neck or helmet and some pads or something

to cover up all that, that there.

Tony, this dress is perfect, age appropriate,

and the proper term for that there is a sweetheart neckline.

I better not see no wannabe sweethearts, near my daughter's neckline.

Dad!!

I'm just saying.

Daddy, this is my homecoming dress.

Aw ok, you and your little all girl squad

gonna roll up there like Charlie's Angels, huh?

Tony, your little girl's growing up.

Ok, she's running for class queen, and she will be

escorted by a nice guy as her date.

Ok, perfect.

I have the perfect guy for you.

We'll use my Sky High Miles, to fly in Devin from college.

Alright?

He'll love to go with ya. You know that boy love to dance.

With the.. [Robot Noises] [Laughing]

Dad, there is no way I'm going with my brother. That's embarrassing.

Alright, alright.

I guess I'll have to break out the good suit, and take ya myself.

Ok, that's worse than embarrassing.

Girl, you have not seen my powder blue tux, with the ruffles.

Boy, I be killin' 'em.

Ok Mom, can you please talk to him.

Tony, remember you said Ebony couldn't date a boy till she was sixteen?

[Sighs]

Well I know several nice guys I wanna take me to the dance.

And in case you forgot, Daddy. I'm sixteen!

[Audience Laughter]

[Chimes]

[Echoes] I'm sixteen.

[Chimes]

I'm sixteen.

She's sixteen.

- I'm sixteen. - She's now sixteen.

I'm sixteen.

- No, no, no, no. - I'm sixteen.

La, la. I don't wanna hear it. She's still six to me.

La, la, la, la, la.

Lisa, what's for dinner?

- She's sixteen. -I'm sixteen.

♪ Woke up and my wife said to me ♪

♪ The bill collectors want their fees ♪

♪ The kids keep talkin' back to me ♪

♪ Family Time

♪ Family Time ♪ Family Time

♪ Family Time

[Phone Ringing]

[Phone Ringing]

[Phone Ringing]

[Phone Ringing]

You just gonna act like you don't hear the phone ringing?

[Phone Ringing]

I'm takin' a Fika.

[Phone Ringing] A who-ka?

[Phone Ringing] A Fika.

It's Swedish for coffee break.

There is scientific proof that by not takin' regular

breaks at work

you are less efficient, make more mistakes,

and are less engaged.

[Phone Ringing] Really?

- Um hmm. - Hmm.

[Phone Ringing] Well, did you happen to find any sufficient evidence

[Phone Ringing] that supports unemployment due to extended breaks,

or Fikas, as you like to call them? [Phone Ringing]

I still got stuff on lay-away.

Good Morning, Stallworth Construction!

They hung up.

After twelve rings, uh yeah!

What you looking for in the folder?

Another winnin' lottery ticket?

No, I'm looking for a resume for a new office assistant.

[Audience Laughter]

Actually, my business tax extension is up next week.

So I gotta get these papers filed.

That's what your tax accountant is for.

You want me to call him?

Unfortunately he can only make fifteen minute outgoing calls from his current location.

See, that's what happens when you hire a tax accountant

from one of them shady bus bench ads.

I have a bus bench ad for my business, Melinda.

Did, I say bus bench ad? I didn't...

Anyway, why don't you let me do your taxes for you?

Why would I do that?

Because I am more than your fly, fit,

fabulous administrative assistant.

I just to run....

keep the numbers for a very reputable organization that I cannot disclose the name of.

Wait Melinda.

Melinda, may or may not be my government issued name.

Moving on.

Now, I already keep your books in order here.

And I'll only charge half the price your tax guy'll charge you.

Half, huh?

Yep, only a few extra dollars and you can't beat that.

How bout you do it for zero extra dollars.

And you do it during the hours of nine to five

which is when I pay you to be here.

[Audience Laughter]

So basically, you want me to work during my work hours?

That is not how work, works. Huh!

You could be outta work.

Lookin' for new work.

See how that works?

- I'll get back to work. - Yeah.

[Instrumental Music]

Ok, Ebony just remember the sum of the angles in the triangle are equal to 180 degrees.

So what is the meaning of the ratio 1:3?

Hmm, it's means that the second acute angle is

three times bigger than the first acute angle?

You're so acute when you're right.

[Laughing]

That was corny, really corny.

And acute.

[Laughing]

Oh hi, my two favorite study buddies.

[Both] Hey.

So, Miss Ebony.

I hear you have a big dance comin' up.

I'm excited about homecoming.

Oh my baby, it's your first dance.

Ow, how's big daddy, Ton feel about that?

Aunt Lori, he still thinks I'm a little girl.

Girl, Tony is in total denial.

Well, no offense, but little Cornball here seems harmless.

Oh, no ma'am.

Dances and I don't mix well.

Last year, I tried doin' the Stanky Leg and it resulted in a broken leg.

[Laughing]

Ya, Corn's just my buddy.

Ebony, has three guy all trying to be her date.

Oww.

But right now, me and Cornell are trying to study for an A on out geometry test.

Yeah, yeah, whateva.

Who you goin' to the dance with girl?

Inquiring minds wanna know.

Well, there's Cooper..

The prep.

He's class president.

Then there's Markell.

The jock.

He's a football player.

Emphasis on player.

What did you say?

He's a, he's a team player.

Yeah, and I just got a text from Stacks saying he wanted to roll with me.

The thug.

That is not nice to call him that.

He has the word tattooed on his neck.

So, I just figured.

Now, you can text Stacks and tell him he's completely outta the running.

No, no, no, wait, wait, wait, a minute.

Now, don't judge a book by it's cover, Nerd.

Stacks, might be very intelligent.

Lori, the boy's name is Stacks.

...with "Thug" tatted on his neck. No, Ma'am.

No, Ma'am. I'm liking cutie pie, Cooper.

Oh, preppies bore me.

Ok, hello this is Ebony's date, not ours.

And Lori, you just mad cause none of the preppies at school, wanted to date your fast behind.

Mad?!

My fast behind they all ran behind.

I just was to busy dating all of the ball players.

Oh please, you didn't have to date the entire basketball team.

- Just nasty. - Oh, honey I only dated the starting lineup.

- Please. - The rest I left...

for you two.

And just cause you was all up on all the cheerleaders,

don't come for me.

Well, what do you expect for me. I mean, hey.

They worked at it, but you dated

that one dude with the bear outfit on.

- The mascot. - The bear.

- He was my friend. - No he wasn't.

I saw him with his arm around you.

[Instrumental Music]

Alright. Here you go, honey.

I hate that you have to work on a Saturday.

Yeah well these taxes aren't gonna prepare themselves.

It's either go to work today or go to jail for tax evasion later.

Oh no. You're too fine to go to jail.

Mm hm. That's why I'm going to work. Mm hm.

Eww.

Eww to you too. You too, Tasmanian Devil.

I got your Tasmanian [Yaaah!]

[Laughter]

[Mocking laughter]

Keep laughin'. You look like Morris Chestmutt.

[Audience laughter]

You just a regular comedian huh, Fat Williams?

Oh keh...Okay, okay, chill out, you guys.

- I'll see you later, baby. - Okay.

Just make sure that Laverne and Squirrelly are gone before I get back, okay.

We gonna let that one go cause the girl that you think is your daughter just

walked into the room.

- Hey. - Hey little Donnie.

That's not funny.

Hey bae...

- Hey baby. - Bye Daddy.

Alright my little Ebony homecoming queen.

Um Mom, what are y'all up to?

[Audience laughter]

And why is there boys from my school in our backyard?

Well you know, I know you've been really preoccupied with your studies and you

haven't had a chance to properly select your date for homecoming.

Oh my God.

So we hacked into your little TrapChat

and we decided to hold auditions for potential dates to the big dance.

Auditions? Are you serious?

Yeah, it could be like that show "The Voice", except this "The Date."

Okay, this is so embarrassing. It's just a date to the dance.

It's not like we're gonna marry this guy.

Um, you never know.

Listen, your dad and I went to homecoming and prom together. Who knew

we would be married today?

That's right. And we don't want any repeats of that.

[Audience laughter]

- Exactly. - Aim high, young one. Aim high!

Rude.

Alright so, let's get this show on the road.

- But I... - But I nothin' little girl.

Now let's find out who is gonna take you...

to the big dance.

Come on in, first guy.

Alright, stand right here.

And introduce yourself.

[Clears throat]

Good afternoon everyone. I'm Cooper Lawson.

3.95 GPA. Member of the debate squad and a

I'm Sophomore President.

Oh, he had me at 3.95.

[Lori yawns]

Ebony, if you would allow me to escort you to homecoming,

I'd be the Barak to your Michelle.

The Jay Z to your Beyonce.

The Martin to your Gina.

So, what do you say?

[Instrumental Music]

Umm,

[Audience laughter]

Aww, is that your little brother?

Ah nah, that's my son.

Ssh. I just put him to sleep.

[Smirks] 'Sup Ebony? You ready to be a step baby mama?

[Audience gasps]

Oah hell no.

Next!

Can I get his number?

[Audience laughter]

[Boy wails]

[Audience laughter]

Oh.

Wooh!

- Hey! - Wow.

Hot dog Jay. ??? - Whew!

[Ladies cheering] When he flex like that....??? Aye!

Ah hoo hoo heh.

- Hey. - Oh.

- Woo hoo hoo. - Hey.

Um, that's my friend's little brother and he's in middle school.

Aaah, like auntie like niece.

Cougar twins activate!

Oah oh, we don't play them games.

[Audience laughter]

[Singing] ♪ Ebony Ebony Eba

♪ neee [Warbling]

♪ will go to

♪ homecoming with me

Sounds a little pitchy to me.

Mm, that's a no for me, dog.

[Audience aww's]

I'm just sayin'.

That's a no from her, dog.

[Audience laughter

- I don't know. - I like the one...

Hi ladies.

- Hey Ebony. - Oh hey Corn Pop, you here to audition?

Oh no. I'm here to study. You ready Ebony?

Yes.

Mm hm.

Aww.

Study. Hm, so that's what they callin' it now.

That's what we called it.

[Instrumental Music]

[Calculator crunching]

- Hey Melinda. - Shhh. I'm on a roll!

- I think I missed my callin' as an accountant. - Hm.

Here you go Mr. Stallworth. Your 1040,

your 1120, and a list of itemized deductions.

Neat, in order and ready to be signed.

Aaah, check you out. This is amazing.

Yes I am and you'll be happy to know that because of my impeccable skills,

you are getting a nice refund.

- Whaaa? - Yes, sir.

Okay how nice are we talkin' here? We talkin' moderate,

Mega or aw, sookie sookie, now?

[Audience laughter]

How about all sookie, sookie, Sookie,now!

[Laughter]

Oah that's great. Look look, I don't know how to thank you.

I do. All you gotta do is give me my cut, and we good.

I may just have to do that.

I can't believe how much money you was leavin' on the table. You got deductions, man.

Well I usually just deduct the yeh, the usual stuff.

You know office, and then building supplies, mileage then

occasional business lunch.

Do you ever work from home?

Not really.

So you mean to tell me you never answered a business call at home?

Yeah, sure.

- That counts as a home office deduction! - Really?

Hm Hm. See what else you got here.

Educational expense: Devin's tuition.

That's a good one.

- Zumba class. - Mm hm.

Okay what is this?

Oh I got us a gym membership a while ago.

I don't have a gym membership.

Ah, yeah you do.

And it's almost time to renew it.

Anyway we got the corporate discount cause I charged it to the Stallworth

Construction corporate platinum card.

Didn't know I had one of those either.

Go on.

And so, I started taking the gym Zumba classes to help me with

my job skills by alleviating the stress caused by my job.

Educational expense.

You're welcome!

[Audience laughter]

Hm.

Tax fraud. That'll give me about 5 to 10.

[Audience laughter]

Hm.

Hey, where you goin'? The gym?

No, no, no, no. I'm a go down to the hood and get my stripes and make sure

I get the top bunk since I'm goin' to prison.

[Audience laughter]

Say hey to my cousin Leroy!

[Instrumental Music]

[Instrumental Music]

Oh. Oh no, Tony. You are not bringin' that stuff to bed.

This is our place of rest.

Look I can't rest knowin' that I can get audited

because I entrusted by business taxes to Melinda.

[Laughter]

- Mm I hate to say it. - Well then don't.

Trust me I already know. You wouldn't believe the stuff she tried to write off

as a tax deduction.

Actually Tony I would. People do it all the time.

Look,

hair weaves, cosmetics, concert tickets.

None of that has anything to do with construction.

Well, it depends.

Concert tickets to take out potential clients.

Hair weaves and cosmetics to keep up her professional appearance.

So you're saying I should take the risk, play dumb,

and get a ridiculously good refund?

You can, but if you get caught,

Have I ever told you about my best friend Kelli, whose father got arrested

at her Sweet 16 party and went to jail for tax fraud?

So you're sayin' I should go downstairs, make a fresh pot of coffee,

and try to undo what I should've paid a tax professional to do in the first place?

Yep. 'Night, night.

Oh before I forget,

who did our daughter decide to take to the dance?

Oh, can you believe that girl still hasn't made up her mind?

I mean not that I'm in a rush to see our daughter dating anybody

but a, why don't you and your nosy sisters let that girl

be and just let her make her own decisions in her own time like when she's 25.

Honey, we are just tryin' to help. She's got the dress

and we just want the perfect date to escort her.

[Sighs]

Laurie and Wiggie Smalls can find dates for themselves, okay?

Okay - How in the hell they gonna find mates for somebody else?

Okay, you know what?

I hate to say it and this is very strange, but you're right.

I know I'm right.

Too bad I'm not right about my tax decisions.

Oah, you better take a pillow honey. It's gonna be a long night.

You ain't comin' with me?

Good luck with you tax write-offs, honey.

[Audience laughter]

Wish I could write-off your attitude.

[Drumming]

[Instrumental Music]

[Instrumental Music]

Okay, thank you all for coming here tonight.

I am honored that you all want to take me to the homecoming dance,

but as you know, I can only choose one date.

Look at my baby niece, gettin' her bachelorette on. Go on, give away that flower baby!

That better be the only flower she's givin' away.

[Audience laughter]

Cooper,

you're a really nice guy.

Huh, Barak no-Bama is whack!

[Audience laughter]

Dude, you're in high school with two kids.

Hey, who else supposed to do my homework?

[Audience laughter]

Anyway, you're a really nice dresser

and a leader. And as much as I would like to give you this rose,

I can't.

[Snickering]

Markell that goes for you too. As a matter of fact, that goes for all of you.

What?

Cornell, would you please step forward?

Um, okay.

Cornell, I love studying with you.

And I always have fun hangin' around you.

Would you accept this rose and go to homecoming with me/

Oh ho Ebony, I would love to.

Hauh.

- Up, the dog down. - Check his pockets.

- Capricorn...get up. - Cornell.

- Move. - Cornell.

[Overlapping voices] - Come on, Corn dog. - Cornell.

Cornell.

Cornell, wake up.

Yes Ebony, I would love to escort you to the homecoming dance.

What? I didn't ask you to the dance.

Ugh.

Darned. That daydream felt so real. Ugh.

But you know what, I'd love to go to homecoming with you.

- You would? - Sure.

Yes, yes, yes. Yesss!

Woa, woa, woa, woa.

- Hah, hah, haah, haaah. - Ah, what the hell's going on in here?

Hah, Sir your lovely daughter just invited me to homecoming and I just

couldn't contain myself.

Aww. That's so sweet.

Good choice, Ebony.

Thanks Mom.

You two are gonna look so cute together.

Just don't look too cute together. You gonna be Popped Corn.

[Audience laughter]

I can't believe I'm going to homecoming.

And I'm going with Ebony Stallworth.

I gotta get my hair cut. I gotta get a suit.

And I need to learn how to dance.

I, I, aye, it's happening again.

[Audience laughter]

I don't think this brother gonna make it to the dance.

[Audience laughter]

One thing's for sure, we Stallworth women have

an effect on men. Ain't that right, Tony.

[Audience laughter]

Well you know, when I was younger, back in the day.

Listen, Cornell.

- Cornell, Cornell. - Cornell, Cornell!

Cornell! Cornell,

[Instrumental Music]

Okay, how we lookin' Melinda?

I'm almost done Mr. Stallworth, but you need to stop breathin' your

dragon breath down my neck.

This weave is flammable.

Back up!

[Audience laughter]

I literally stayed up all night redoin' those forms

going through receipts. I just hope I got everything right.

Well even though you ain't take my deductions advice, you

- still have a refund coming your way. - Oh thank God. How much?

Well if my calculations are correct,

- a hundred and fifty... - Thousand?

Dollars.

Actually, its a hundred dollars, cause I need my cut.

You're about to get cut from payroll.

I'll settle for you takin' me to lunch.

This was so stressful!

Well you know, you deserve that.

You can order anything off the dollar menu, but no cheese.

Since you was so stressed out, I'll take you by that Zumba class...

- you was talkin' about. - Oah, oah, oah.

A no, no. Save it, save it.

[Audience laughter]

[Instrumental Music]

[Instrumental Music]

[Humming]

Ah aah.

Eeh eeeh

Honey, whatchu doin'? Why you cut my music off?

I'm just trying to figure out why you dancin' around looking like the black Carrie.

[Audience laughter]

I'm so happy for Ebony. She looked so beautiful.

Reminded me of our homecoming. Remember?

Oah yeah. Ooh girl, you looked good back then.

[Audience laughter]

But even better now.

Thank you, Tony.

I'm serious Lisa. You know you were very beautiful on homecoming night.

But you've aged like the, the finest wine the world has ever seen.

Way out of my budget.

You're not so bad yourself. I mean you're more like a box wine.

[Laughter]

How'd you get so lucky, Tony?

Yeah, do tell.

Good question. You know what? Lisa Stallworth,

may I have this dance?

Yes.

[Laughter] Really?

- Come on now. - Really?

- Come on now. Twerk it like you used to. - Enough.

I'm a lady!

How about this, huh?

Mm.

- A little Luther? - Yes.

Yeah.

- Ah now, ooh you are...Mm hm. - Pretty hot in a tiara.

Aww, seriously babe.

Mm.

[Instrumental Music]