Original subtitles

[Instrumental music]

And with that, Ton' you are set for the holiday season.

All right. Hold on, hold on.

Woo!

Boy, I got your line tighter than Lil Wayne's Skinny Jeans.

[Chuckling]

Always appreciate your way with words.

My brother.

My man.

All right.

Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa. Ton', Ton', Ton'.

Look, uh, what's this?

That green paper? It's called money.

I can take it back if you don't want it.

Oh no, no. I want it man but, uh,

I mean you know you always, [laughing] my tip.

Oh yeah, her, here's a tip. Uh, when you charge

thirty dollars for a haircut the tip is built in.

Wow. Cheap ass.

Look man, business is a little slow, so money's a little tight right now.

Hey Ton', I got a tip for you.

Hmm.

Don't ever front on your barber, man.

You never know what Rodney could do.

He could slip up and give you a permanent part.

[Chuckling]

Check.

Donnie, you're playing checkers, not chess.

Okay, well king me.

Look man, it's the holiday season, you know.

Money's tight. Gotta buy gifts and presents, you know. Christmas shopping.

I hear ya, man.

Psh. You still believe in Christmas, Ton'?

Like you don't?

I mean, I like the gifts, but I mean holidays were

just created by "the man" to get us to spend money.

Think about, man. Christmas, we gotta buy presents.

Halloween, we gotta buy candy.

Valentine's Day we gotta buy flowers.

Depending on how many women you got in life, that could be expensive.

Not to mention Fourth of July and President's Day, the list goes on and on.

Nobody spends money on President's Day.

President's do!

They gotta pay for limousines, helicopters,

they gotta hire Jay-Z to perform at the White House.

I mean, he gotta point, man. President's do ball out on President's Day.

Everybody know that.

Yeah, man. I'm just not trying to support the whole movement

of, of just spending all my money for this so-called economy.

Which doesn't exist in the first place.

You don't think the economy exists?

It's not real. It's make-believe, man.

I'll tell you what. You show me where the economy is on a map,

I'll go there right now.

No, the economy's like this.

I get a cut from Rodney.

Rodney goes and buys a sandwich.

Sandwich shop owner makes enough money to hire me to construct him a new shop.

Money goes 'round and 'round.

So, where's Donnie in this so-called equation?

Well, Donnie's probably not going to be in that scenario

because all those people got jobs and they work.

[Laughing]

* Woke up and my wife said to me

* The bill collectors won't let me be

* Kids keep talking back to me.

* Family Time

* Family Time, Family time, Family Time

Tony, come to bed.

In a minute, Baby.

Come to bed and now I'll make it worth your while?

Oh yeah? You got some money hiding in the mattress?

What? What?

Hey, I'm just saying, business is business.

Psh. As much as I do around here, you should be paying me.

Ain't my fault you ain't worked at a business model.

Oh, okay now.

Tony, what's really going on?

Just a little stressed about money, that's all.

Oh! Baby, don't be stressed.

I know, I know money is a little tight right now but we always work it out.

Yeah, but it's the holidays.

I want my family to feel the warmth of the holiday season.

Alright well, maybe I get a part-time job

or I can try and sell some paintings.

Oh really, okay I know yeah,

That might not be a good idea, it's been awhile seen I tried to paint.

I don't know, you should hang out with them little thugs up the street.

It's amazing what they do with a paint can.

Psssh.

Oh you know what, listen honestly baby,

if me and the kids need to make some Christmas cutbacks

we can, I'm sure they'll understand.

All right, what'd you have in mind?

Maybe we won't get a tree.

Oh no. That's just sad.

I've had a tree every Christmas of my life.

Or we can, you know, chop down our own and

make it like a little family activity. That's be cute.

You trust Devin with an axe?

Hmm yeah, I don't trust Devin with a fork.

[Chuckling] Have to change his name to Paul Cut-Off-Your-Bunions.

[Laughing] -You on a roll, huh? -Mmm.

Baby, oh, oh, I got it.

Good idea. We do Secret Santa.

Ain't no secret I'm Santa around here.

No, Secret Santa! Where everybody randomly buys one

person a gift instead of buying multiple gifts and wasting all that money.

Hm. That's actually not a bad idea.

Yeah. And I have another good idea.

Huh?

Come to bed and I'll... [Whispering]

Ooh! Go ahead and jingle my bells, then!

[Laughing]

[Instrumental music]

[Talking over each other]

All righty. So ok, so, listen heres how Secret Santa, works.

It's really simple, you basically pull a name out of this hat.

And which ever name you draw is the person you get a gift for.

Okay, hold on.

Correct me if I'm wrong because I did fail math last semester.

But according to my calculations, this means I'm only getting one present.

Yeah, I'm with Devin. We're kids! We should be getting hundreds of presents.

You'll get hundreds of presents when you're making hundreds of dollars.

[Laughing]

Now I'm all for this Secret Santa thing. I think it'll be fun.

Hm. You're broke, huh, Dad?

I'm not broke, we broke.

Dad, let me borrow a couple thousand.

What, so I can be broke, too?

Hell no!

I'm sad Grandma won't be here with us for Christmas.

Yes, so she can't spend all that money on them gifts.

Well, she's spending all of my money on a trip to New York to see some Broadway plays.

How'd you get out of that trip?

Well, she knows I hate plays.

Last time we went to New York, we went to see Cats.

But all I remember seeing was rats. Big ass rats.

I'm all for the whole Secret Santa-y thing, whatever it's called.

But, um, I couldn't help but notice that there's one person

here who's not actually a part of this family.

And I'm not pointing fingers but his name rhymes with Ronnie.

And that always rhymes with, not funny.

I'm serious.

Yeah, so am I. Man, look

I'm more a part of this family than both of y'all! I'm over here every single day.

And not mention...

[Yelling simultaneously]

Enough!

We're all family, okay?

So just deal with it.

Lisa's right, y'all. Family comes first and family sticks together.

Thank you, Donnie.

No problem.

Okay, let's get started. Who wants to go...you wanna go?

- Ah, yes. - All right.

-Got it. -Got it.

[All talking]

If I could get something cool, that'd be dope, you know.

Get something new as far as put on my bike.

Wait a minute. Who is Donnie?

You just heard her say my name.

I'm Donnie, obviously.

Wait a minute. You got Donnie?

Yes.

I got Donnie.

Anybody else get Donnie?

[Simultaneously talking]

Donnie, did you stuff the hat with just your name?

Hey, man, you gotta play to win.

Gimme the hat back.

This is rigged.

We gonna do this again.

All right. This time we're going to do it for real.

The Stallworth Secret Santa is going to be officially on.

[Instrumental music]

Is Lisa out here?

Uh, no. Just your two favorite sisters-in-law.

No, no, no! Don't come out. We were having such a nice time without you.

I could y'all asses out if you prefer.

Please sit down, join us.

Now, what I'm about to tell y'all stays in this room.

We're not in a room, Dummy. We're outside.

You know what I mean.

Who did y'all draw for Secret Santa?

Uh, it's called Secret Santa, not Tell Tony Every Damn Thing Santa.

Look, I'm trying to switch with somebody.

Um, I might be up for a switcheroo.

I got Darius.

What's wrong with Darius?

Oh, he's barely family.

He's just some old man who fathered half a man,

who happened to marry my sister.

Mm. Well, old people are easy.

I mean, just get him like some applesauce

or a walking stick or some new, shiny old fake teeth.

Hey, hey, hey! That's my Daddy y'all taking about.

He don't like applesauce. He prefers oatmeal.

Duly noted.

Well, I got Devin and that's tough for me because I am not good with kids.

I mean, what do I get him? Like a toy truck? Some Play-Doh?

How old do you think he is?

I just told you, I'm not good with kids.

All right, well I'm down to switch with either one of y'all.

I drew Lisa.

Oh hell no.

Mm-mm, mm-mm.

Lisa, Lisa is hard to buy a gift for. She's very particular.

Who you telling?

I've been buying that woman gifts for twenty years.

She can be a little unappreciative.

Hey, hey, hey! Now that's still our sister.

Yeah, but you know what, he's right.

Because when you get her something you can tell she don't like it because she says...

[In unison] Oh. That's nice.

Yeah.

And you can see on her face she's already planning to go return it.

Okay, so neither one of y'all are going to help me out here?

You're on your own, Tony.

All right.

Just scratch the door with your paws when you want to get back inside.

You know what they said in the old days.

Fellas, fellas!

Donnie, are you eating again?

Yeah, I'm hungry, again!

You know what, since you're always at my house eating up my food, I have a favor to ask.

Anything, Fam.

I need you to switch with me with Secret Santa.

Anything but that, Fam.

I drew my favorite person in the family.

Oh, me?

Hell no. Especially not with the attitude you've been giving me lately.

Dad, what about you? Will you switch with me?

Absolutely not.

I got Ebony and I plan on hooking my grandbaby up.

Now come on, Dad. What'll it take?

Well, son...

It's going to take a brand-new Cadillac and an eight-track player.

Dad, that's damn near impossible. They don't even make eight-track players no more.

And that is precisely my point.

[Laughing]

[Darius] Son, back to your swine eatin'...

[Instrumental music]

Uh, ever hear of knocking?

Ever heard of I pay rent?

He got you there, Ebony.

Okay, now I want to talk to you kids about Secret Santa.

Oh, thank God, we're calling the whole thing off and I get all my presents.

Not a chance.

I think I'm going to turn Jewish. I hear they get a whole eight days of presents.

They also don't have to work on Saturdays.

Oh, word? I think I'm so in. Shalom.

If you live under my roof you will be doing chores every Saturday.

Dad, that's religious persecution.

Just listen.

I came to see if one of you guys wanted to trade with me for Secret Santa.

You interested?

We may be. We got Aunt Lori and Aunt Rachel but we don't know what to get them.

All we know about them is they drink wine and gossip all the time.

Alright, cool! So, I'll get a flea collar

for one of them and one of y'all can have your mother.

[In unison] No! No way.

What's wrong with getting gifts for your own mother?

What's wrong with getting gifts for your own wife?

Not just your wife. Your baby momma.

Mm.

Come on now. You know your mother's hard to get gifts for.

Exactly. Even when I was younger she wasn't impressed by the macaroni art I made her.

That was this year for Mother's Day.

Even so, she wasn't impressed.

Give it up, Dad. We're not trading.

Hey! Brought y'all some egg nog!

Hi!

[Talking simultaneously]

I'll just take one of these and I'll be downstairs.

All right. Okay.

Any of y'all want to trade me for Secret Santa?

Who'd you get?

I got your father.

And I have no idea what to get him.

[Instrumental music]

[Instrumental music]

Did you not learn anything about construction from Dad?

These walls will not be able to withstand an earthquake.

Um, this is a gingerbread house. We are going to eat the people inside.

I think they have bigger problems than earthquake proofin' they fake house.

Hey, kids. Did either of you get this big box?

Oh no. That is way out of my budget.

Huh.

Yeah it ain't mine.

You think your father got it? For me?

Check the card.

No, there's no card.

Shake it.

Not a clue.

Dang, I hope he didn't get me something amazing.

Did you figure out what to get him yet?

Figure out what to get who?

Oh! Ah, just the person I got for Secret Santa.

Will you excuse me, for a second?

What, what the hell is this?

[Gasps] Did your mother get this for me?

We don't know, Dad.

Now what is going on over here?

That will never withstand an earthquake.

I tried telling him that, Dad.

Let me see here.

Oh, no! Your little roof fell off.

Really, Dad? You're gonna eat our gingerbread house before Christmas?

As long as your roof is under my roof, I'll eat whatever the hell I damn well please.

Mm, that's some good roof.

[Instrumental music]

Hit me!

Donnie, you're playing Spades, man!

Okay, then I raise.

Okay, fellas. I'm gonna need y'all help on this one.

Tony, man! How many times I gotta tell you? I'm not going to help you bury a dead body!

That would make me an accessory after the fact

and you do not know what they do to guys like me in prison!

Please! You ain't even worth a cigarette.

[Laughter]

Look, I think Lisa got me this big gift for Secret Santa but I don't know what to get her.

Well, wait a minute. Secret Santa?

That's my game! Y'all playing Secret Santa without Rodney?

We didn't mean to offend you, but it's just for the family.

But ain't Donnie playing?

Hey! Donnie was married to one of Lisa's sisters once.

Hold on, hold on, hold on, Tony. I don't, I don't understand.

Why don't you just get Lisa a gift?

Come on, Dad. You've been married way longer than I have.

You know how it is.

And how do you know what to get your wife after all these years, man?

Well, it's easy. You just listen. They'll tell you what they want.

What they really want is just to know that you're listening.

Yeah, man. I mean, if I was married to Lisa, I'd get her one of those tight leather outfits.

With the back out. Some heels. Nice little whip. Mm. All that.

Why? So, she can dress like your Momma?

Oww!

Now you talk about Lisa like that again, I'm gonna whip you like Django.

Hey, as long as the D is silent.

Naw, now check this out playa...

Aw naw, hey man, I fold, I fold.

[Instrumental music]

Okay, you didn't ask but I would like to take a trip to maybe Cuba.

- That would be nice! - Or Puerto Rico.

Okay, Puerto Rico, can we just focus on my husband right now?

I know if we put our minds together we can think of the perfect gift. I know we can!

What kind of wife are you?

I mean, I understand not knowing what to buy somebody else's husband.

But your own husband, Lisa?

What kind of wife am I? I am a wife. That's what I am.

Can you just, do you have any suggestions?

No! You're his wife! Shouldn't you know?

Okay, fine. Tony likes sports.

Buy him some sports balls.

Sports balls? Could you be more specific?

That thing, it's like this big and it is orange and they go, "Ew, pass it! Pass it!"

Whish, whish and then it's got [babbling incoherently]

Okay, Okay are you talking about a basketball?

Oh, child. I'm so thankful Tony ain't my husband.

I will drink to that!

Oh, cut it out! You'd be honored to have Tony as your husband.

Not me. I'm into chicks, remember?

Well, I'm into dudes, but I'll take a chick over Tony.

I know that's right.

[Laughing]

Can we just focus! Please?

I think his mom mentioned something that he wanted in his childhood.

I just can't.

Something he was lacking. Probably a personality. A neck. A better waistline.

Shut up! Shut it up! You gonna stop talking about my husband.

- Okay. - Today.

Fine.

Geesh. You know what? I think it was an astronaut. She said he wanted to be a little astronaut.

Oh, how cute. He could be like a little Dud Lightyear.

And you could send him to the moon!

And leave his ass there!

Yes, leave him there.

[Sighs] [Clears throat]

She didn't like that.

We could bring him back in a couple years, maybe.

After the kids are grown.

- Bring him back. - 30 Years?

[Instrumental music]

[Laughing]

That's what I'm saying.

All right-

[Laughing]

Not even on Christmas, Dad?

- Not even on Christmas. - Okay.

I'm beginning to like you, Darius.

Ah.

Ho, ho!

Donnie, uh, isn't it supposed to be Ho, Ho, Ho?

Oh, it is, but I was talking to Lori and Rachel.

[Laughing]

That's a good one.

I didn't know we were having Christmas pig for dinner.

Right. All he needs now is an apple stuffed in his big ass mouth.

[Laughing]

Whatever, Rocky and Hoodwinkle.

Tony, can I used your bathroom, brother?

Yeah, you know where it is.

Cool. Hey Rachel, you wanna help me get out of my costume?

Maybe I could help you take your mustache.

Oh!

Don't start with me Saint Thick.

Oh good! Everybody's finally here.

So, I think we should start with Secret Santa.

Yeah? Anybody want to go first?

We got Aunt Lori and Aunt Rachel.

Oh!

Here you go.

-Merry Christmas. -Thank you.

Wine! How did you know that's what we wanted?

I mean because all you do is drink wine and gossip.

Oh, stop!

How sweet of you to notice, my babies!

She's so dramatic.

Wait a second. How did you kids get wine?

From the kitchen.

Mm.

All right, well.

Devin, I drew your name so, Merry Christmas.

A coloring book?

How old do you think I am?

I'm not good with kids!

Apparently!

You're welcome.

Darius, this is for you.

You just got that from the kids.

It's called re-gifting. Do you want it or not?

I want it!

Merry Christmas, Greedy Gut!

Let me get a swig of that!

Come on, man! You don't even suppose to drink no more, man! Prune juice!

Well, I have my darling Ebony.

Here you go, my dear.

One hundred.

Oh!

I'll give it to her.

I'm going to trade you the coloring book.

No!

Thank you, Grandpa!

Wait a minute. You were so excited to get her a gift and all you got her was cash?

Well, all these kids want from their grandparents is money.

Hell, that's all their grandmother wants.

See? You just got to listen.

Hmm. And I did just that.

Lisa, this is for you.

Oh.

You mentioned how much you wanted to get back into

painting, so that's a little something to get you started back.

Thank you! Baby! Oh, this is so sweet!

Thank you, Tony!

Mm hm.

I love it!

And I actually, I drew you, too.

Oh, okay.

And I really didn't know what to get you but I spoke to your mom

and she told me that you wanted to be an astronaut when you were little.

Ha, Ha!

An astronaut? Whack!

Shut your ass up. You, your big ass wanted to be a jockey.

Yeah, after I saw Seabiscuit, who wouldn't want to?

Okay.

All right. Anyway. I can't quite send you to space, but I can send you space camp!

That is actually very cool. Thank you, beautiful!

-Merry Christmas. -Merry Christmas.

Muahm.

Really?!

What? I'm just...it's holiday. She looks like Santa Claus anyway!

[Instrumental music]

[Instrumental music]

Whew. Great. Now we don't have to do that again for another year.

Wait, if we exchanged all the gifts, who's this big box for?

Ah! That's for me!

I told you I drew my favorite person.

Me!

Oh, goodness.

Ah, just what I wanted!

Ribs!

Oh!

Ew!

How long have those been in there?

Don't worry about that, girl. They're aged to perfection.

Mm.

Mm hm.

Rib jerky.

Y'all want some?

No, thank you.

I'm gonna share.

Close the lid. Please.

- It's Christmas, man. - Please.