Original subtitles

Officer please, just do whatever you have to do okay,

just bring my daughter home safe and sound that's all I ask.

Okay, Mrs. Stallworth, I'm gonna need you to calm down.

Don't do that. Don't tell me to calm down.

Lisa, Lisa, let me handle this.

Please office please find my baby. She's too young for this Lord.

-Take me Lord. Why! -Okay. Okay.

I see have to talk to someone sensible here.

Young man...

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I've created a monster. It's all my fault.

It is all your fault. You're grounded forever.

Donnie did you find her?

No, I checked every Scout Girl meeting in the city.

I got all their cookies though.

- If something happens to my baby... - Nothings gonna happen to

Donnie's on the case. Here you go officer. That'll be $5.

I'll get it from you in a minute.

Here you go Tone. That's $3.50 man I gotta get my change...

Sup Officer. So what are you doing about the situation huh?

Well I'm trying to interview the family...

Interview huh?

Interview is what he said huh? We got Arsenio over here, alright?

Well check this out man, I need all your resources.

Get everything you can and get everybody that you can

and bring my Goddaughter back here alright?

I don't care if you gotta put out an ABP, a BBD, or an LMNOP.

Get her back here alright? Or else!

Or else what?

You don't want to go to jail. You'd have your shirt tied up within a week.

I know your badge number now man, huh!

Yeah yours too brother! I know people who know people.

Alright, back up. Got me?

I'm the one that took Stringer Bell out. Who else you think did it?

Let me guess, Avon Barksdale?

You watch "The Wire" too huh?

Well I think season one was better than season two, wouldn't you say?

[ ALL AGREE ] Well, well yeah...

Everybody relax look, we're all just a little nervous.

Well need to just calm down.

Don't talk about calm down Toni. Seriously, you're

the last one to talk about calm down.

[ ALL ARGUING ]

[ Donnie ] Y'all gotta give me money for these cookies. The police in here..

[ Donnie ] Y'all gotta give me money for these cookies. The police in here..

Okay, okay, okay! Little Ms. Stallworth is back in the house.

Ebony baby! Come here.

Little heifer took a goober to my house but I'm bringing her back

because she's trying to eat me out of house and home.

Don't you ever do anything like that again. Do you hear me?

Watch out Lisa.

Girl do you realize how scared you had me and your momma, huh?

You don't do nothing like that again? Alright?

We raised you better than that.

♪ Woke up and my wife said to me ♪

♪ "The bill collectors want their piece" ♪

♪ Kids keep talking back to me ♪

♪ Family time

♪ Family time, family time ♪

♪ Family time.

♪♪♪♪

What were you thinking? Running away and to your Aunts house?

I was going to go to Africa so I could learn my roots

but I got hungry so I stopped at Aunt Rachel's.

Plus I thought I was gonna get in trouble for letting you guys down.

Baby why would you think that?

Because I know how you brag how I'm always an A student.

How would you let the family and all your friends know.

We don't care about what they think girl.

I'm sorry. I just didn't know what else to do.

Honey, I am your mother okay?

You should be able to talk to me about anything.

And I'm her father. You can talk to me about anything too.

Except for the things I don't really want to talk about.

The point is you can talk to me too.

You know this is not about Anthony Stallworth today for once.

Okay, this is about Ebony.

I know that.

- Do you? - So what happened?

I mean a fail in Black History, really?

I got a fail because I didn't turn in my report.

Why didn't you turn it in Ebony?

Because I didn't think they were telling the truth

about what really happened in black history.

And dad said not to be afraid to challenge people.

Really Tony? That's what you're teaching our child.

To not turn in her reports and challenge her teachers.

That's not what I told her. Okay.

So what happened?

Well one of the things I challenged him on was when Mr. Nash said that

George Washington Carver invented peanut butter.

I told him that he didn't know what he was talking about.

Even if you were correct in the matter, people don't like being

told they don't know what they're talking about.

Yes, especially if that person is your mother.

Honey you go upstairs and you get some rest.

And we'll talk to you teacher. We'll work this out.

- Love you guys. [ BOTH] -Love you too!

Ah! That girl, she gonna be alright.

Older she gets the more she looks like her beautiful mother.

- Is that right? - Oh that's right.

So what we doing for dinner? You wanna go out?

Maybe order in? Whatcha doing there?

Oh, I'm calling a Goober.

Good idea. That way we can go out, get a couple drinks,

come back and get it crackin'.

Oh no, I'm calling a Goober to drive you wherever you need to go.

Are you serious?

Serious as a heart attack!

Tony unless you want to apologize for the way you've

been acting the last couple of days.

You know what, I will apologize for going out, staying out all night and not calling you.

But I think you owe me an apology for for the way you've

been acting the last few days.

Are you serious?

Serious as two heart attacks!

Let's talk about you trying to change me. I think I deserve a little more respect around here.

Oh why Tony? Because you picked the lucky lotto ticket?

With my dollar? Because let's keep it honest.

Before you met me you was broke as a joke.

Okay. Okay. Well before you met me you wasn't so needy.

Needy? Huh...

Get out.

What? Get out?

You ain't got to kick me out cause I'm leaving!

♪♪♪♪

Hey is this Takawanisha?

Yeah Is that Swahili?

Yeah girl I heard you is a masseuse to the almost rich and famous.

You know when I hit that powerball I was like 8 numbers off but anyway...

Yo I don't mean to be disrespectful or anything but I got your number off

the bathroom stall and they said that you like to...

Word? Un-huh!

Okay, Right right.

Well I'm down with that too. You know, I got the oil.

Alright well look I'll tell you what, why don't I give you my address and we can link up.

Tomorrow? Yeah I'm not doin' nothing.

Alright cool, I'll see you then.

Talk to you later, Takawanisha

Alright. Bye.

Damn that was easy.

[ Door Knocking ]

What's up Ton?

Whatcha doing with that 1975 Magnum P.I. Briefcase?

Lisa kicked me out. Well actually I left.

What? What happened?

What'd you do?

- I didn't do nothin'. - You sound like most brothers in jail.

I'm serious. Man, me and Lisa just had a little blow up.

Blow up, smow-up Ton' I'm your boy. Come on. What'd you...

Ah let me guess...

You got caught with your little sex-atary huh? Eh eh.

The one that always looks like she's got a little push up bra on.

I knew there was a push up bra. They way they sit... Man!

Man, no. I didn't get caught doing nothing with nobody.

It's a long story. Can I crash or not?

Of course you can man. Here, sit on down. Have a seat!

Let me get your bag, man. Put your legs up alright.

-You want a beer? -That would be...

Let me get you a beer, man!

-Here. That'll be $3. -$3?

Yeah I said you could stay here. I didn't say you could stay here for free.

I paid good money for them beers man.

I didn't even factor in the gas.

Man you have eaten enough free food at my house to put my kids through college.

Alright man, beer's on the house.

Alright look man, if you're gonna be staying here there's a

couple of house rules we need to put out there on the table.

Wait are you serious?

You damn right I'm serious.

Alright now rule number one: if you see a sock...

Oh I know. It means kick rocks.

No it means I'm probably missing a sock so if you see something, say something.

Rule number two: There is no eating or drinking in the living room.

Donnie your whole place is a living room!

I can stand in your kitchen and your bedroom at the same damn time.

And there's crumbs all over the place.

Ah, which brings me to my next point okay?

On Tuesdays, Wednesdays and every other Saturday

you will mop and you will sweep up. Okay?

And you will also do the dishes.

Whe- Where you going?

I would rather stay in a cardboard box then take this abuse from you.

Alright alright okay, look. Sorry maybe I went a little overboard with the rules.

I'll vacuum. You do the dishes. Couch is yours.

- Thank you - Cool.

Oh also, if you find any drawers in the cushion. Just add them to my collection.

Alright?

What's the look for man? I like them big from time to time?

Ain't nothing wrong with a little thick girl.

You need to get one in your life. She wouldn't kick you out.

Alright. Night-Night Ton'. [Clapping ]

Thanks Donnie. Don't worry this is only temporary.

You know what I mean. Be out of you hair in a couple days.

Soon as Lisa comes and apologizes.

Talk about how I'm gonna be broken and miserable without her.

When Tony comes to his senses then and only then can he come back.

Talkin' about I need him, psst please. He's the needy one.

You need to calm down.

Don't you think you're overreacting a little bit.

Always taking some stuff to the next level.

I'm not wrong in this scenario.

I'm so tired of the disrespect.

Please you ain't going nowhere.

And neither is Tony. You two been disrespecting each other since day one.

How do you figure that?

Didn't he make you pay for dinner on your first date?

Awe, that's cause he lost his wallet.

Or did he not respect you enough to not lose his wallet?

[ Makes disapproving noises ]

Oh!

And you always bad mouth him with your sisters.

What? That's you and Lori. Y'all are always bad mouthing him.

And you let us bad mouth him.

That is so disrespectful.

Whatever. Rachel. Whatever.

So he was a little bit rude at Cheryl's party.

So what that's not the worst thing he's done.

It's not about that.

Oh it's not? So you want me to text him right now and have him come home?

Because I'm really tired of hearing about all this Stallworth drama.

Every week, it's a new episode.

It's not just that he was rude okay?

That was just the straw on top of the who bunch of other "not that big of a deal" moments.

But you know it is a big damn deal and I've had it up to here!

Girl bye. I've got errands to run.

I'd love to stay and be a deaf ear for you to fall on but I got actual important things to do.

Okay, Okay. Keep it 100. You think I'm overreacting?

Yes Lisa you're overreacting.

I knew it. I knew it. You always take Tony's side.

You're being ridiculous.

I mean what are you going to do? Are you going to take this thing to divorce court or what?

Maybe?

If you gonna get a divorce, just get a divorce. Quit talking about divorce.

Divorce is not out of the question.

♪♪♪♪

♪♪♪♪

Yeah get all that. All that.

Brah, phew, do you have to bathe in the cologne?

Right. Let me get this one it drowns it out.

Oh come on man. Now my eyes burn and I got a headache.

Can you spray over there please?

Yeah okay.

Hey hold up, you under my roof and you trying to tell me where to spray?

Anyway, whatchu got going on tonight?

Man, nothing. Still tripping over this whole Lisa situation.

I guess I'll just be kicking it on your couch.

Ach, that ain't gonna play Tone. You can kick it, you just can't kick it here.

Not tonight man. I just met this massage therapist.

Takawanisha. Yeah man, she coming through.

I got her number from a bathroom stall.

So what, you're kicking me out?

No man, it's nothing like that.

It's something like that.

Need I remind you all the times I loaned you money and let you sleep on my couch?

- True dat. True dat. - Hello.

[ Door Knocking ]

Alright, ohh, this her. So just be cool alright?

In a couple of minutes act like you gotta use the bathroom

cause you got stomach problems and just stay in there for like 15, 20 minutes.

Let me let you know when it's time to come out.

Really?

You must be Donnie.

You must be Takawanisha.

Yeah girl what is that? French?

Ah, yeah.

Where's your table?

Oh I had left it in the car cause I had want to make sure the area was straight.

I hear that. Well I hear that. I can wait for you to lay hands on me.

Let me turn you around.

[ Screeches ] Oh you already... who is this...?

I hope you know you don't think you about to get no group discount.

Oh, no, that's just Tony. He's having stomach problems and he's about to leave.

- Right Tony? - Mm-hmm

Like like what kind of stomach problems you having? This IBS ain't no joke!

You feel me? Ugh.

Tony! So like, you stay around this way?

No I live up in the hills.

Oh so you bougie huh?

I didn't grow up there, you know.

Uh, but I live there now.

It's a long story.

Tony!

Hey, man, can I hollar at you over here for a second, playa?

Sure thing.

Alright.

I'll just... I'll...

Just get a magazine.

Alright. Alright?

- Yeah. They a little old, but you get the point. - Alright.

You are not about to tell her you won the lottery right now.

Look...

You know what? Forget it, then.

Ok? I'll go. Alright?

I'm gonna go stay at a hotel or something.

Naw, man, naw.

That's the oldest trick in the book. You think I'm stupid?

Hmm? I know what's gonna happen.

You gonna get to the hotel, then you gonna text her your room number...

And then she's gonna come there after she leave here.

No.

How would I even have her phone number, Donnie?

From the bathroom stall, Tony.

[Gasps in Disbelief]

Ok, look, you want me to leave, you want me to stay...

What do you want, bra?

I tell you what, Tony.

You stay here and I go to the hotel.

Alright?

Yeah.

I go.

Just need some money.

Oh, God!

Ok, here. Here.

I just want to be left alone.

Cool. Can I get some, uh, dessert and room service?

Don't worry about it.

Hey, Takawanisha...

Oh?

Change of plans, baby.

We gonna go, he's gonna stay, alright?

Oh, Ok.

[Laughing]

Well nice to meet you, Tony.

You just let me know if you need a deep tissue massage.

Hey, hey!

Get out!

I'm the one that found your number on the stall. Not him!

Oh!

Left her purse.

[Door Opens]

Oh!

Ebony!

Uh, what are you doing here?

Hope you're not mad, I kind of wanted to see you, so I took the bus down here.

Ok, does your mother know you're here?

Not exactly...

Ebony, we've been through this.

Come in. Sit down.

[Drops Purse on Floor]

I'm just worried about you and Mom.

Look, I know it looks bad, but...

Me and your mother will be fine.

But why was Aunt Rachel talking about divorce court?

Ah, she said that? Well...

[Door Opens]

Hey, uh, Tony, did you see my purse?

[Gasps]

Oh, who is this little girl?

I ain't know you got a daughter.

[Laughing]

He also has a wife.

Oh...

Ok, well, on that note...

I'm gonna go.

I see that's my bag.

You just call me if you need me to lay hands on you.

[Laughing Nervously]

She meant like praying...

Lay hands on...

[Laughing Nervously]

It's a long... no?

Don't tell your Momma.

[Music]

Tony, can I talk to you?

Oh!

Uh, what's up, Lisa?

I didn't see you there.

Um, you came to apologize?

Please say yes, because Donnie's couch is kicking my ass.

You know what? Um, I can forgive you for being rude at Cheryl's party.

Good.

I can also forgive you for being disrespectful and staying out all hours of the night.

'Preciate that.

But, uh, what I can't forgive, Tony, is this...

What's this?

Oh, you tell me.

Did you forget that we get alerts on all our credit card transactions?

Yeah, and?

And you wanna explain why you spent the night at a hotel last night?

What?

Oh...

I know what this is.

Oh, you do? Save it. Save it.

You gonna tell me that you got sick of Donnie, so you got a hotel room.

That's what you gonna tell me, huh?

Well, not exactly.

But you're in the right ballpark.

I would've went for it, actually.

But, you also ordered room service, Tony...

For two.

Oh, no, wait a minute, Lisa.

Listen...

Uh, and you introduced her to our daughter, Tony...

Wow!

You are not the man I married.

That little snitch.

Listen, listen...

I did not introduce her.

She introduced herself.

Oh, did she?

Did she?

Yeah.

How long has this been going on?

[High Pitched] Not long.

Uh, no!

What I'm... What I'm saying...

Donnie called her.

He got her number from a bathroom stall.

Oh... yeah, so you're betraying your best friend and you're betraying your wife.

I wouldn't call him my best...

[Angry Noises]

I'm gonna be mature about this.

Yeah.

You know what, Tony?

Come by this weekend, get the rest of your things.

[Sighs]

Oh!

[Angry Noise]

Lisa, really?

Li--...

Man, that...

Knew I should've got separate credit cards.

[Music]

[Music]

Man...

I know it look bad, Ton', but I think you can still work it out.

Naw, man, I think I messed up.

I think it's over this time.

I've never seen Lisa like this.

Had to order room service, huh?

Hey man, I was hungry, alright?

And I wasn't about to go asking for change to get no burger.

You could've paid for it. I'm your friend.

What am I going to do, Donnie?

I mean Lisa is my everything.

Yeah, I know man.

Mine, too.

[Knocking on Door]

Man, answer the door before you get your ass whooped.

Who is it?

[Door Cracks Open]

I saw you through the peephole, I still didn't trust it.

Speak of an angel.

Hey, Donnie.

Lisa.

Hi, Tony.

Hey, uh...

I'm so happy you came by.

Listen...

About earlier...

Ok, Donnie can explain everything.

No, no... no need.

No no no, look, I know you're mad...

But I'll do anything to get you back, Ok?

Look, I even wrote you a song.

Oh...

[Sing-Song Voice] Lisa, Lisa, let's get some pizza, then make peace...

Uh, I was hungry when I wrote it.

Listen, I know I said some things, and then...

I actually got to thinking, and I know you're never really...

[Objects Clattering]

[Laughs]

Sorry.

You've never been a good liar, Tony.

But, Donnie meeting a girl from a bathroom stall number, I mean

I just--you just can't make that kind of stuff up.

You just can't.

Hey, why y'all judging me?

So, I got Takanawisha's number from the men's room...

How'd you know which bathroom to go to?

All y'all do is hang out at the barber's shop, so...

Figured I'd just start there.

Oh, Rodney, your friend?

He needs to hire a janitor.

[Objects Clattering]

Oh, uh, that's actually on me, Lisa.

Yeah, my aim been a little off lately.

Yeah, I've been juicing.

So, me and Takawanisha, we had a little chat...

And I am sorry, Tony.

Uh, but...

I--I, listen...

I over-reacted.

No...

[Objects Clattering]

[Laughing]

My bad.

[Objects Continue Clattering]

Listen, there's no need to apologize, alright?

I'm just happy this whole thing is behind us.

Let's go home.

Oh, hold on, wait a minute now.

I'm apologizing for over-reacting about the hotel room.

Now I'm not apologizing for everything before-hand.

Ok, well then let me.

Lisa, I'm sorry, Ok?

I acted immaturely.

[Objects Clattering] And if you'll allow me...

If you allow me to come home, I promise I will never, ever put

my wife on blast in public ever again.

I love you.

Can I please come home?

I love you, too, Tony.

[Kissing and Moaning]

Uh, you want to get your stuff?

Oh, absolutely.

Let's go.

Alright, man.

You take it easy, brother.

Is this it?

[Laughing]

Hey, wait!

Hey!

You never did the dishes!

You never did the dishes!

Oh...

What'd I miss?

What'd you miss?

Damn, girl, what'd you eat?

I told you I had the that IBS.

Mmm.

You know what?

Get me a Jack or something, it's gonna ease my stomach.

You know we got air freshener in there, you ain't want to use it?

[Music]

It's good to be back home with the family.

We've missed you, Dad, you know?

You got $20, though?

Boy, you missed me or my money?

You know it's all about the paper.

[Laughing]

Hey, uh, Lisa this looks great.

Oh, you mean to tell me Donnie didn't make you breakfast?

Yeah, sure, breakfast of champions, beer and sunflower seeds.

Great news, everyone.

My teacher gave me an extra credit assignment to bring my grade up.

Oh, that's great, baby.

Yeah, I have to write an essay on who's my biggest hero in black history.

Mmm, you gotta go with Martin Luther King, Jr.

Yeah, that's a good one.

That's a good choice.

But you can't forget about Harriet Tubman.

Yeah, yeah.

You know, they ain't no Michael Jordan, but they alright, though.

[Laughing]

All good options, but I already made up my mind.

I'm gonna have to go with Dad.

Dad who?

The one with the belt.

Oh...

You?

Yeah, yeah.

Hey, baby, thank you.

That's sweet.

Yeah, that's very sweet, but uh...

DId you forget about your Mom?

Of course not, because behind every great man is a strong woman.

Mmm. I heard that.

Let's eat.

Yeah, oh hey...

We gonna say grace?

[In Unison] Grace!

[Overlapping Chattering]

[Music]