Original subtitles

**

Ooh!

Oh, there's my little receptionist.

Come on over here, so we can play boss and secretary.

Mm, not tonight, Tony.

I'm bloated, I'm exhausted, and I'm hungry.

Spent all day being an actual secretary.

Good. I spent all day being an actual boss.

We're already deep in character.

No. Not in the mood, Tony. I'm frustrated.

When I took this job at the animal non-profit,

I thought I was going to be saving gray back turtles.

I ain't even never heard of no damn gray back turtle.

Exactly.

Trying to raise awareness,

but I mean, they didn't assign me anything important.

They got me sitting behind some desk,

doing all the grunt work nobody else wants to do.

Oh, just today, they asked me to color co--

Tony!

Hm? Yeah? What, what, what?

- I'm listening, I'm listening. - God!

You were saying something about

- color coding some turtles? - Yeah, they wanted me

to color code all these files, like I'm some--

- Tony! - Hey! What, what, what? What?

I'm talking about my job.

The least you could do is listen.

Look, it's not like I'm the one that asked you

to get a job.

You ain't got to work,

although the second income would help, so we can afford

things like premium cable and your hair appointments,

food for the kids.

Yeah, it's just I'm a little stressed

because, now that we're both working,

everything's really piling up around the house.

Ooh, I could call my mom and see if she wants

to come around and help out with the chores and stuff.

No, I wouldn't want to be an imposition.

It won't be an imposition. She'd love to do it.

I meant on me.

[ chuckles ] Oh, Lisa. She's retired. She needs something to do.

You know, it's really not a bad idea.

I know. That's why I'm the boss, and you're the secretary.

Now, go ahead, tell me a little bit more

about them mutant ninja turtles.

* Woke up and my wife said to me *

* The bill collectors want their fees *

* The kids keep talking back to me *

* Family Time

* Family Time, Family Time *

* Family Time

**

Tony!

Man, there you are.

I have been looking all over for you.

It's a work day. Why didn't you check my office first?

See, that's what you'd expect me to do, brother. I don't operate like that.

Or you could've called me.

Yeah. I actually dropped my phone in the toilet, as I was flushing it.

Yeah. It's gone, just like my money.

So, I was thinking,

why don't you treat, I eat.

Where we doing lunch?

I was thinking about doing it at my desk 'cause I have work to do.

Work to do? You working through lunch again?

Well, maybe you need some help around here.

I am not taking advice from somebody who's unemployed.

I have your lunch, Mr. Stallworth.

See? I have all the help I need.

- There you go. Mm-hmm. - Thank you.

Let's be real, man. How much work is she really doing around here anyway?

Uh, this coming from someone who's unemployed?

[ scoffs ] Boy, bye.

Does everybody know my business?

Or lack thereof.

Hey, man. You know what your problem is?

You ain't got no ambition.

That's right. I said it. You got no ambition, Ton.

You're here. You could be here.

I wouldn't even shoot for here.

And I'm gonna be out here.

Mr. Stallworth, I left something in my car.

I'll be right back, okay?

Look, man. It is not that easy to run a successful business.

Please. Ain't trying to hear that, man.

All you need to do is advertise.

Yeah, man. Think about it.

You could be on a billboard right now, man, with--

A picture of your face with that big dumb-ass smile,

talking about, "We's do construction!

You need a house built?"

Or even better, bus bench ads.

Uh, I don't know about that, Donnie. That's--

Think about it, man, how many people take the bus

every single day?

Right, right?

And then when they're sitting down there,

and they need construction later, they say to themselves,

"Didn't I see a bum relieving himself

on a picture of some guy's face at the bus stop?

Wasn't he in construction?"

Man, that's the dumbest thing I've ever heard.

Here's the smartest. TV ads.

Follow me, man. TV ads, right?

You can have all the business you could possibly want.

Okay, there's no way I can afford a TV commercial.

Afford what, man? This is the future, Tony.

This ain't the '90s, man. Ain't nobody pay up for movies like they did no more.

You could shoot it all on a phone.

I shot a lot of stuff on my phone,

since we're on the subject.

Couple home movies, you know,

but, you know, nothing I can show you, of course.

Why, too graphic?

That and, as I mentioned before, I flushed my phone

down the toilet, but you know, it could be in the cloud.

**

Hmm. Okay.

Well, would you look at this.

Gee.

You like it?

It took me forever to clean it up.

Looked like Hoarders in here.

Oh, come on. It wasn't that bad.

[ laughing ]

I forget that you're funny.

Maybe that's why Tony married you.

Uh, you know, I thought Tony said

you were coming later in the week?

Well, originally I was,

but then I couldn't sleep.

The idea of Tony living in a filthy house.

I had to come immediately.

Well, thank you for tidying up, Beverly.

- I appreciate it. - Oh, I did more than that.

I deep-cleaned the bathrooms, fluffed all the pillows,

did all the dishes,

and considering how little you cook,

I was surprised to find

all those dishes piled up in there.

I cook. I was just about to make fish sticks tonight.

Oh, no, no. Don't trouble yourself.

I already have a pot roast on for dinner tonight.

That's Tony's favorite.

Hey, what's up, Mom?

Hey. Uh, excuse me.

What do you think you're doing?

Playing a little War of Duty.

Why? You want to play multiplayer, don't you?

Come on, Devin. You know the rules.

No video games until your homework is done, and your room is clean.

What's the problem?

My room is spotless, and my homework's done.

Let me check it.

You got trust issues or something?

Thank you.

Yeah, no, this is not your handwriting, Devin.

Oh, no, no, no. It's mine. [ chuckling ]

Devin was so tired

when he came home from school today,

so I let him take a nap,

while I finished up his homework.

Beverly, the point of homework

is so that the kids finish it themselves.

I just think the school works these children too hard.

Now, let me guess, Beverly.

While he was taking his little nap,

you cleaned his room, too, didn't you?

Of course. Boys will be boys.

They're supposed to be messy,

and we moms should clean it up.

[ chuckles ] You know what?

I am too tired to even argue. How do you play this?

Just press R1 to shoot the other army.

What do you press to shoot the mother-in-law?

**

Yes, Donnie, you have my permission

to get the ball rolling on the commercial.

Uh, what? Why would I say action?

Donnie, that makes no sense. I'm not say--

No, I'm-- All right, action.

This dude.

Well, Lisa, hope you're ready

to have a celebrity around here.

You won a pie eating contest?

Uh, Donnie and I have decided to shoot a commercial

for my business, and I'mma be the star.

Hope you're ready for paparazzi outside,

in front of the house.

I hope you're ready for me pretending

not to know you at the supermarket.

Stop playing. I have a good feeling about this.

I think this is going to turn out well.

Oh, I mean with Donnie involved, how could it not?

You're just full of good ideas these days, aren't you?

What are you talking about?

Inviting your mother to help out around here.

Thanks again for that.

What? She's just trying to help.

Help? She is taking over the whole house.

Exactly. She's helping.

I think you could use the help around here.

Oh, what's that supposed to mean, Tony,

that I don't clean enough?

I mean, why don't you

clean up a little, or at least learn how to aim, bro.

[ chuckles ] I think you need to talk to your son about that.

My aim is on point.

I just don't like the way she passive-aggressively

criticizes the way I keep my house, and then she just

walks around here and does the chores so smugly.

Uh, I think you're looking at this the wrong way.

Now put your ego to the side and think about what you're saying.

"Tony, some lady is walking around the house

doing all the chores and cooking and cleaning,

and I don't have to do anything."

Okay, well, when you put it that way, it's not that bad.

Now, let's go upstairs and finish

what we never got a chance to start.

**

Hi, Beverly.

I can't hear what you're saying, Lisa.

The vacuum is too loud.

Uh, I can't hear what you're saying.

The vacuum, it's too loud.

What were you saying, dear?

Oh, I was just saying hi and, you know, I'm glad you're here.

That's all.

I'm sure you are.

I rearranged your silverware drawer today, mm-hmm.

Uh, what was wrong with it before?

It was just forks, knives and spoons.

Well, if you have to ask, I really can't help you.

[ footsteps ]

Hey, uh, can I go to the mall?

Absolutely, sweetie.

Uh, I think he was asking me, and no.

You cannot go to the mall.

Why not? All my homework's done.

Grandma did it for the rest of the week.

Lisa, let the boy live a little.

You don't want him to become a recluse.

Yeah, Ma. You don't want me to become a shut-in, do you?

On school night, you're a shut-in.

Go to your room.

Hey, no chill up in here.

Lisa, I don't want to tell you how to raise your children--

Great! Let's end that sentence right there.

All right, back to what I was saying.

I rearranged your silverware drawer,

the pots and the pans and the cupboard.

Oh, you did, huh?

I just took it upon myself

to straighten things out for you

because you always seem so confused in the kitchen,

and I thought it was due to organization.

Now, don't worry, I used a label maker

and labeled everything in the kitchen,

so even you can't get lost in there.

Well, you know what, Beverly? Thank you.

That is just so considerate of you.

It really is, and you know... you know

where else I seem to be having trouble?

Dusting.

Oh. I completely agree.

Why don't I take over the dusting for you?

And you know where else I'm having trouble?

Fluffing pillows.

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm,

and cleaning out the gutters.

Say no more.

Where do you keep the ladder?

In the garage.

Consider those gutters cleaned.

Not bad at all.

**

Am I in the wrong office?

"Stallworth Construction." No, it's the right office.

Did I... No, didn't die and go to heaven.

Tony. There you are, man.

What's going on? And where's Melinda?

Where is Melinda?

I sent her out two hours ago

to get some props, and she still ain't been back.

Ladies, I want you to meet somebody.

This is Tony, the star of the commercial.

Let's give him a round of applause. Let's do it.

- Thank you, thank you. - Oh, that sounds so good.

- Can I talk to you for a second? - Yeah.

Who are all these girls?

You have to spend money to make money,

and you have to cast honeys to make the moneys.

I just wanted to thank you both

for the opportunity to be in this.

Wait, you're auditioning for my commercial?

Heck, yeah.

Donnie called me and told me the role pays $500.

$500? That's a waste of money.

- You know Rachel would do anything for a $20. - Whatever.

Hate all you want, You know this face deserves to be on TV.

Maybe radio.

I know you ain't talking, Pillsbury doughboy.

Girl, please. I'm no-- [ giggling ]

Hey!

Ladies, line up. Let me take a look at you, please.

Get up. Single file.

Cool. All right, ladies. Now, here's the thing.

You know, more than likely, a lot of you gals

aren't gonna make it, but I love what you did today.

You guys have made great strides,

and we haven't made our decision yet.

However, I'm doing a little side project at my house.

This involves some fruit punch, some jelly and jam.

Don't know if you have any allergies.

Yeah?

Man, I thought this was going to be a simple shoot.

- I didn't know there was so much stuff involved. - So much stuff involved?

This is standard commercial stuff, man.

Look, I don't expect you to understand, all right?

And I especially don't expect you to trip

because we went a little bit over budget.

Over budget? We haven't even shot anything. How can we be over budget?

You've got to spend money to make money, Tony, all right?

All the money I put on this rental stuff, man.

I had to rent a helicopter, a giraffe wrangler,

and a fancy-schmancy camera, so it will look good.

Wait, wait, wait. I thought you said we could shoot this on a phone.

Yeah, if you want it to look like you shot it on a phone.

Now, you want this done cheap,

or you want it done right?

That's what I thought. Ladies, let me take a look at you.

**

Mm, mm. It smells really good.

I know. I made my world-famous jambalaya.

Is it really world-famous?

People know about it.

By the way, I almost broke my back

cleaning out those gutters.

Almost, huh? Hmm, dang.

Aren't you hungry? Go ahead and eat.

Yeah. Hungry doesn't even begin to describe it.

- I had to work through lunch. - Mm.

Kids, dinner!

Mm, mm, mm.

You have really outdone yourself, Beverly.

I know.

Where are those damn kids? Devin, Ebony. Dinner.

They're not here.

- They're not? - No.

Mm, Ebony went to a sleepover,

and Devin went to the movies.

You let my kids go to a sleepover and to the movies?

Well, why not? They finished their homework.

You mean, you finished all their homework.

What's the difference?

Look.

I wrote down the name and number

of Ebony's friend's mother, in case you need to reach her.

And the movie Devin is seeing is rated PG-13.

Even though I recommended an R-rated film.

I mean, he is 16.

Beverly, was I not clear about my children

staying in on a school night?

I thought that was all about the mall.

Oh, come on. Look at you, stressing out.

You have bags under your eyes. You need to relax.

You need to let things go.

I don't want to relax! Okay, look.

You could tell me where to put my pots and pans,

or I can tell you where to put yours,

but don't you dare tell me how to raise my kids.

Well, the way I raised Tony--

Was by babying him, and maybe if you hadn't

babied him, he wouldn't need me

or you to clean up after him.

I'm raising my kids differently.

Are you calling me a bad mother?

No. No, I'm calling you a bad mother-in-law.

Okay, now, whether you like it or not,

I am Tony's wife.

You've never respected me, but now you're disrespecting my house,

because despite what you think, this is my house.

Well, if this is going to be your attitude,

when I am trying to help you,

then I might as well just leave.

Well, since you're so comfortable in my house,

you know exactly where the door is.

**

Wow! This looks just like my office.

- Yes, sir. - So, why don't we just film it at my office,

instead of spending all this money to make a replica set?

'Cause your office is too small

and we had to have some room to hang up the lights.

Okay.

Uh, excuse me. Why is there a white man in my office?

I own the building.

Touché. Touché, brother. Welcome to the struggle.

This is yours.

Thank you. Appreciate that.

All right, these are your lines. Memorize them.

Man. This is, like, 15 pages.

We're shooting a movie or a commercial?

Hey, man, I spent all night rewriting these lines, all right?

You will memorize every single word.

Donnie, I am not wearing this

- in your commercial. - [ sighs ]

You will wear it, and you will like it, okay?

Would you like me to call one of the other hundreds

of girls that wanted to be in this commercial?

What hundreds of girls? You creeped them all out.

I'm the only one left, and I want my $500.

Donnie, are you sure she can wear that on TV?

Look like her pimp just chased her off the track.

If they want to ban this commercial, man, then fine.

Okay? I put it up on MyTube

with the title of "Banned Construction Video,"

- it'd go viral. - Donnie!

The giraffes got loose, and they're causing a traffic jam.

Damn it! What am I paying the wrangler for?

You want to run lines?

Run lines? What that mean?

Rehearse, dummy. Don't you know anything about acting?

I act like I like you.

Why don't you act like you're in shape

and deserve to be on camera?

Let's go.

[ clears throat ]

Hi, welcome to Stallworth Construction.

Do you have any construction needs?

Yes.

I have lots of construction needs,

in my bedroom?

Lucky for you, I specialize in those type of needs.

Why don't you meet me in-- Ugh! Hell, no!

- Uh-uh. - Donnie?

Oh, what is the problem?

Really? Really? You're playing games with this one.

This is my brother-in-law. I'm not doing all this for $500.

I'll give you a bump in pay, okay?

I don't need y'all to be going back and forth with me.

[ clears throat ] Excuse me, sir.

Who's in charge here?

Who's in charge? Did he--

Look, brother, you see a room full of black people,

all right, brother?

All of us are in charge of each other, okay?

What does is it matter to you?

It matters because if I don't see a permit,

I'm going to shut this whole shoot down.

So, who's in charge?

- He is. - What?

Sorry, Ton. Hey, man, I want to be an united front.

I want to stick together, man, but I got priors,

and it is one against everybody.

Your permit, sir?

Uh, one second, officer. Give me just one--

Man, I thought you said you was gonna take care of everything?

I ain't never directed nothing before.

I don't even know why you listen to me.

Cut!

Hey, look over there.

Don.

**

Hi.

Hi.

Making dinner?

Yes. Would you like for me to throw it away,

so you could start from scratch?

All right. I deserved that.

I-- I just came by, for one, to give you back

your keys and to point out

that you have been ignoring my calls.

I just wanted to apologize.

Oh.

I-- I was disrespecting your home,

and I shouldn't have been so critical

of the way you do things,

especially when it comes to the kids.

[ sighs ] Well, thank you, Beverly. I appreciate that.

And I'm sorry for being so defensive.

I think I could learn a thing or two from you.

Or three.

I want to teach you a laundry trick,

- to remove the crust from Devin's socks. - Oh.

- Yeah, yeah. - A trick? Yeah, I noticed that.

Oh, there they are, my two favorite girls talking again.

Mm. Mm.

Oh, yes. We worked it all out.

That's good. So, you're staying for dinner?

Oh, I wouldn't want to impose.

Oh, no imposition at all.

In fact, would you like to help me prepare the meal?

Well, maybe I could whip up my jambalaya.

Oh, if that's all right with you.

I would love that.

[ laughter ]

Hey, Mama Stallworth. Hey, Boogie. What up?

- Hi, Donnie. - Sup?

Hey, Ton. May I talk to you for a second, man?

Yeah, what's up, man?

Look, I just wanted to come by and apologize

for how I was on set.

I mean, I kinda got the big head

and went Hollywood on you, and I just want to apologize.

- Go on. - And--

It's all good. It's all good. Man, I forgive you.

You know, I actually wound up using one of your ideas.

I put up a billboard.

[ gasps ] My son is going to be on a billboard?

Oh, great. That's all he needs, a bigger head.

[ laughter ]

- You staying for dinner, Donnie? - I would love to.

Actually, matter of fact, I brought some meat

I want to throw on the grill.

What, just ribs?

It's got ribs in it.

What, a combo, probably?

[ all chattering ]

Wow, that's a lot. What's that?

Oh, man, it's giraffe meat.

[ gasping ]

Yeah, let's just say it won't be

- running into traffic no more. - Oh, man.

- God-- I lost my appetite. - You playing, man.

- What? It's a delicacy of some kind. - That's disgusting.

This goes for 30 pounds in Zimbabwe.

Tony: No. No, man. You see yourself out, bro.

[ scoffs ] More neck for me.