Original subtitles

**

Mm. Hello, Stallworth ladies.

- Hi. - Hey, Tony.

Really? I couldn't have gotten a warmer greeting

at a Klan meeting.

What's going on with y'all?

Oh, I'm helping Ebony with her sewing badge.

Ouch!

I'm about to break out the double-sided tape.

Looks like you're working

on your "check your blood sugar" badge,

and your daughter's working on her speed texting badge.

Uh, no, Daddy, I'm working on my social media butterfly badge.

When I was a bear scout, we used to have to know

how to pitch a tent, start a fire,

and tie a knot before we earned a badge.

Start a fire? Isn't that what lighters are for? Duh.

Pitching a tent and tying a knot is super simple.

Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Okay. Super simple?

I'll get you super simple. What am I seeing here?

All right, here you go. Let me see you tie a knot.

I can do better.

Oh, yeah? Okay. Take your time.

This is an alpine butterfly look.

It's used mainly in rock climbing.

You little smart--

Tony!

Scout. I was going to say scout.

Now, what are you over there doing?

Aren't you supposed to stitch neatly?

Hey, listen. Don't judge me, okay?

As long as this thing is on here, that's really

all that matters.

I mean, can you do better? By all means.

Yeah, I probably can. I ain't gonna show you now, though, I'm busy.

I just want kids today to have more of a challenge.

Well, I challenge you to come help us.

Yeah! Cookiepalooza's about to start,

and I promised my cousin Patrice she could come over,

so, why don't you help the baby with the cookie badge?

Okay, I'll help... Not!

Y'all need some help with some "eat the cookie badges," holler at your boy.

I'm gonna go work on my "watch the game while drinking a beer" badge.

Ooh, is that a snickerdoodle?

Got him. Got him, [ laughs ].

* Woke up, and my wife said to me *

* The bill collectors want their fees *

* The kids keep talking back to me *

* Family Time

* Family Time, Family Time *

* Family Time

**

Oh, Lisa.

There is nothing like a shopping spree

on your hubby's black card,

on the streets of Santa Maria Novella.

Wow, Patrice. That sounds amazing.

Well, your shoes are cuter than cute.

Knockoffs?

No. They're not knockoffs.

I got 'em from that New Shoes For Less

on Santa Monica.

Oh, that's funny. So, listen.

Next vacay, you and Tony should really join us

in Pamplona for the running of the bulls.

Pampa where? What?

I'll teach you. Don't worry.

The adrenaline rush is amazing.

Running through the streets of Spain with angry bulls.

Yeah, got to put that on the bucket list.

So, as I mentioned my coed baby shower idea

is getting kiboshed because now Desmond

has to fly to Dubai to close this major deal.

Oh, no.

Oh, yes. This is a good thing.

Ka-ching, ka-ching!

[ laughs ] Okay.

But our house is going through a major reno.

Reno? Renovation.

- I got it. Total-- I got it, yeah. - Yes. Yes.

So, I was wondering if you wouldn't mind

housing my shower here, at your lovely home?

Here?

Oh, you know,

it's my turn to host Ebony's scout girl troop,

and I don't know if my house lives up

to your Beverly Hills taste.

I remember what it was like

to live on the other side of the tracks,

and the ghetto birds will make me feel right at home,

plus I do not want to intimidate anyone, you know,

like if we held it somewhere more elegant, like Bella Casa.

Uh, excuse me?

Oh, I meant my house.

I don't mean it in a negative way.

With the recent gentrification

of this area, it's perfect.

Is my car going to be okay outside?

**

I don't know why you compare your life

to your bougie cousin's life.

We travel. Didn't we just go to Mexico?

Uh, that was six years ago, and traveling across the border

to Tijuana doesn't count.

We got sick from the water!

How was I supposed to know that the water over there

would give you a bad case of the gout?

[ groaning ] Tony, let's live a little.

Patrice invited us to go on vacation with them

to Spain, running with the bulls.

Patrice need to stop filling your head

with all that bull.

"Live a little."

Hey, I plan on living a little,

by not running with the bulls.

You know what? You're really right.

I have enough bullheadedness to deal with,

dealing with my bullheaded husband.

Girl, you know how much it turns me on

when you agree with me.

Let's get busy.

Oh, yeah, speaking of busy,

what are you doing Saturday?

- Nothing. - Oh, good.

Then you can stand in for me as troop dad

at Ebony's scout girl meeting, here at the house.

- Say what? - Yeah.

Patrice is having her luncheon

for her baby shower, and I'm going to host it.

Oh, no, no. Uh-uh. Not a chance.

Look, I am not spending my day off hosting

a bunch of little girls yipping and yapping.

How about if I promise to earn my--

[ whispering ] ...badge?

How about hell yes?

**

- What are you all looking at? - Daddy, you're supposed to be our leader.

So, lead!

Just do what it is you normally do at these things.

Can we work on our mani-pedi badges?

Ooh, we could paint your dad's nails!

Oh, no, you can't.

How about we work on a sports badge?

What are we going to play?

No, we're not gonna play nothing.

We're gonna watch the Clippers play

and try to win back their dignity.

The game's about to start. Come on. Living room.

Daddy!

Girls: Boo!

Okay, all right, all right, all right.

Don't you guys have a cookie badge you need to work on?

Yeah, but we have to work on our launch

- in order to have a successful sale season. - What's to launch?

You go out there and say, "Hi! You wanna buy some cookies?"

- You take the money. Boom! Successful season. - Daddy, it's Cookiepalooza.

We can't just go out there and sell.

Yeah, we need a strategy.

A strategy? To win a badge?

Look, forget the badge.

We're trying to win those new super mini HDI tabs.

Oh, oh, you're talking about those new mini-iTabs,

the king of tablets?

The one that I can watch the game,

even if I'm sitting on the-- If I'm in the office?

They've got the fastest operating system on the market!

We all win an iTab?

No, we all win an iTab.

Yeah, same thing. What's yours is mine.

All right, cool, we're going to work on our strategy right now.

Call your parents, tell them we're going to divide and conquer,

take over the whole neighborhood.

Bring it in. Bring it in.

Cookies on three. One, two, three.

All: Cookies!

**

Patrice, I mean, I really don't know

what was wrong with my suggestion

of pastel pink and baby blue for the color scheme.

It's just so... ovi?

Oh. Well, that's why I invited Cheryl, my neighbor, to help.

She's actually a really,

really incredible event planner.

Goodness, thank you, Lisa, and thank you, Patrice

for trusting me with your vision.

Oh, I don't trust you just yet,

but feel free to share your thoughts.

Oh, goodness. Tough customer. Alrighty!

Well, I'm thinking a global theme.

Lisa tells me how much you love to travel, so...

how about a Parisian motif?

I like it.

Me, too.

And Lisa, your idea to incorporate pink

works with... a pretty and pink Paris theme.

I love it.

Ooh, and by that kick,

I think the baby loves it, too!

And I can order a sugar Eiffel Tower

from Sift By Kara

and serve pink sparking lemonade.

Tres bien!

Oh, I like Trey Songz.

- No. - Oh, that's not the Trey we're talking about here?

Okay.

Don't you just love Paris in the springtime?

Oh, it's breathtaking.

I've never been.

[ gasping ] Uh, what? Lisa!

Cousin dear, we've got to get

some stamps in your passport, rapidement!

Mm, muy pronto!

Or, as we say in the 'hood, "Right now."

I found the most adorable pearl pendant earring set

at an antique shop on Boulevard Saint-Germain.

Let me guess, quaint little shop

down near the river and 7th.

- Yes. - Yes. Pierre is wonderful, isn't he?

Can we-- Can we get back to the shower?

That's why we're here?

Um, since we're gonna go with the French theme,

I was thinking maybe we should serve patty fours?

You mean petits fours?

Cute idea, Lisa. Cliche but cute.

Did I ever tell you about the time

when Desi and I traveled to the French Riviera,

where we actually took a French cooking class?

Ah, it was the most romantic thing, ever!

Your husband sounds like my Jack, just super sweet.

Well, I love my Tony, you know.

He's not a Desmond and maybe not as cultured,

but he's just-- He's really quite a guy.

He's Tony.

He is Tony. He's great.

Tony: Hey, babe!

Can you throw me a roll of toilet paper?

We're all out down here!

One second, honey. Excuse me.

That sounds urgent.

- Think so. - It's an emergency, huh?

I'll be right back.

**

Hey, man, you gotta get some clients, you understand me?

Or we're gonna let your ass go.

Man, get outta here with that.

No, no. You get outta here. See that?

My man, Rodney.

How many boxes of these delicious cookies

would you like to buy?

Uh, none, Ton.

I'm trying to get into these Speedos, baby.

It's almost summertime.

[ laughter ]

Oh, you think that's funny?

While I've got the clippers

right around your little dome piece?

Better chill out, Drake.

Excuse me, Mr. Rodney.

Would you like to buy a box of scout girl cookies?

Absolutely.

You know, matter of fact, give me two of them,

uh, them slim mints.

I like them.

Not that I'm mad at the sale, but what happened

to you trying to get into them Speedos, and all that?

Well, look, Ton.

It's for the kids, you understand me?

You know Rodney love the kids.

Don't nobody want to buy no scout girl cookies

from no grown ass man, am I right?

Well, technically you're right.

You know, see, I'm just here to set up the sale,

while my little scout knocks 'em down.

- We got a strategy. - [ laughing ] Strategy.

Y'all about an hour too late.

Too late?

Yeah. Remember my man, what's his name,

Thomas Harper.

- Thomas Harper? - Yeah.

Yeah, I remember him, my old nemesis

from high school.

Mm-hmm, why?

Well, he just came through here

with his daughter and a whole troop.

[ chuckles ] It was so cute.

They came up in here, man.

They put their presentation,

looked like, uh-- Looked like Shark Tank!

[ laughing ] Ooh!

- You all right? - Okay, uh, speaking of tanks, I've got to--

I've got to go visit the bowl connected to the septic tank.

I, uh-- Woo! God.

What's in them-- What's in them mints, baby girl?

[ stutters ] I'll be back in about forty.

That's-- That's just TMI, Rodney. That's...

[ laughing ] Yeah, man, my girl just cleaned up

in front of that hydroponic shop down the street.

Oh, boy. What?

They be slinging the crunchies

for the munchies.

Crunchies for the munchies. Thomas Harper, huh?

Still rocking that half an S-Curl, huh?

- Mm, mm, mm. - Oh, wow, wow, wow.

You know what, brother, can you hold on for a second?

Yeah, I got a hater to my left.

Hater to my left. Tony Stallworth.

Oh, it's good to see you, brother.

Really?

No, no. Just the polite thing to say.

Uh, you want to buy some scout girl cookies?

Great. Why are you selling scout girl cookies?

Uh, Dad, remember. Sell, sell, sell!

Oh, wait a minute. Hold--

Are you a single parent, too?

No, I'm still married to Lisa.

I'm just covering troop duties

and helping out with these cookie sales.

We're in it to win it.

- Oh, is that right? - Oh, yeah.

Oh, oh, oh, well, good luck with that

'cause you know, uh, my daughter's troop 707,

maybe you heard of them, yeah, yeah.

You know, we won that thing twice in a row. You feeling me?

We're going for that three-peat

'cause this is Cookiepalooza, loser!

Yeah, man. I'm back.

**

- [ girl giggling ] - Tony: Ebony!

Have I not taught you the code out here on these streets?

What code, and we're in the backyard.

Never get a sugar high on your own supply.

Daddy, Cookiepalooza's supposed to be fun,

and we're not having fun anymore.

Girls, you'll have plenty of fun

once we win those iTabs!

You mean we win iTabs.

Whatever. Okay, look, I need you to look alive

- and sell-- - Girls: Sell, sell.

Exactly. Ebony, now it's tough out here

in the sales game, but you're a Stallworth.

You're born to win. You believe that, don't you?

- I guess. - You guess?

Baby, look, we need to step it up a notch.

We're up against Mr. Mom

and his gangster girl troop.

Are we-- Oh, huh.

I'm going to teach you all about supply and demand.

Eh, eh, eh.

Cookies are for closers.

**

Okay, cold, cold.

- Over here? - Cold.

- Warm! Warm! - It's getting a little hot!

Oh, oh! This is a big baby.

Oh, close. It's just my brother-in-law.

Ha, ha, ha, ha.

Very funny.

You and Todd should take your little comedy act

on the road, like the middle of the road, during traffic.

Oh, these are nice here. Is that-- Is that mold?

Ooh, absolutely not! No, that's watercress, Tony.

I prepared them myself.

- Ah. Okay. [ sneezes ] - Lisa: Tony!

Ooh, my bad. I'm sorry.

- I sneezed all over your little watercress. - Cover your mouth.

You're right. I should've covered my mouth.

[ sneezes ] Oh, my goodness. It's spreading.

Did I reach all the way over there, too?

I think you did, yes.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

Now I feel bad because y'all don't have any more snacks.

[ sighing ]

I said y'all don't have any more snacks.

Yo, yo. We got those cookies.

You buy one box, you get the second one for the same price.

Ooh, that's a great deal. Do you take cards?

Yup, we sure do. Debit or credit?

Oh, credit.

Well, that's lucky.

So, baby, how's your little chou-chou,

fufu shower going?

Well, she seems happy, and I will be very happy

when it's just all over.

If I have to hear Patrice

talk about all her--

Hear me what?

You heard me from all the way over there?

I was just telling Tony that I enjoy hearing about all your travels.

- That's all. - Well, I've got plenty more to tell.

Oh, yes, I'm sure you do.

First I'll run, or should I say waddle,

to the ladies' room.

You just waddle right down there

down the hall, little mama.

Thanks for covering for me, baby.

The girls are really moving those cookies.

Oh, yeah, we're going to get that tablet--

They, they're going to win that tablet.

They're in it to win it.

Mom and Dad, you won't believe it. We're all sold out.

- That's great, baby. - Yes.

All right, ladies. Scouts, we are done. Move it out.

Ladies, you continue doing whatever it is

y'all do at these things.

Mrs. Stallworth, I will see you later,

so you can earn some more of them badges.

[ laughter ]

Patrice, are you ready to open some gifts?

- Ooh! Yes! - As they say in Japan, hai!

Hello!

- Uh, no, dear. It means yes. - Oh, okay.

Okay. Do ours first. This is from Jack and I.

Just a little something.

It's a beret.

Oh! So cute!

[ all exclaiming ]

Adorable. Well, this one's from myself and Todd.

Arigato.

Oh, you already got those?

Oh.

Oh, wow.

It's a couple's spa day gift card.

Yeah, we wanted to get you and Desmond a babymoon gift

before your little bundle of joy arrives.

[ crying ]

Oh, my... We can exchange it

if you prefer a Baby Zara's gift card.

The idea of a babymoon just seemed so apropos

for such a worldly couple.

No, it's a beautiful gift, Vivian.

Unfortunately, it take two to be in a couple.

I guess I-- I've got to come clean with you guys.

Desmond and I split up months ago.

What? I thought he was off in Dubai.

You mean goodbye.

I'm so sorry.

[ laughter ]

That part is true.

He loves the culture there, including the part

where men are allowed to have four wives.

Damn! And you didn't even make the top four?

You know what, Patrice? We'll be here for you. Okay?

We will be the village for you

and that little baby of yours on the way.

What village?

I burned down my village and my britches.

Everyone hates me.

That's not true. Everybody doesn't hate you.

So, why didn't your sisters Lori and Rachel show up?

Yeah, you answered that. They pretty much hate you.

But, um, the baby's on the way, and it won't hate you.

Oh, not until it's a teenager.

No. That's so inappropriate.

Gifts! More gifts!

Gifts are great! We love gifts!

[ sighing ] I can't believe

that I sold all those cookies, and we still didn't win.

- Mm-hmm. - I really wanted that tablet.

I'm just the bartender, man.

I don't know what the hell you're talking about.

Make sure you leave a tip.

Yo. What's up, Troop Dad?

Really? This drink is up-- Bottoms up.

Excuse me, bartender. Can I get a beer, please?

And then let me get another glass

of whatever this gentleman just guzzled down.

- Yeah? - Thanks, man.

- No problem. - [ clears throat ]

So, why DP?

Do you ever wonder why they call that brother Swaggy P?

I mean, his name is Nick Young.

There's no P to be found, so--

Really? Really?

Coming here dressed like a black lumberjack.

You want to talk about Swaggy P?

No, no, no, Tony.

It's just for the sake of conversation, man.

I mean, look. Let's keep it real, all right?

You and I, we never really hit it off

like that in high school, you know?

We always had that competition thing going.

All right, all right, all right.

I can take it, and this is where

you brag about how your daughter's troop won Cookiepalooza.

That's fine. Go ahead. I can take it.

No, no. Look, bro.

Although we were rivals back in the day...

[ sighs ] I always looked up to you.

All right? I mean, hell...

I wanted to be like you.

[ laughing ] You serious?

Man, you're all-state.

Yeah, all the girls chasing after you.

Get that full ride to Fresno. Come on, man.

Yeah, I mean, it's true.

I may have been a player

on and off the field, but when it's all said and done...

man, you got the real catch.

I gotta admit, man,

I was a little jealous when I found out

that you married one of those bad Callaway sisters.

Oh, yeah.

I was a little salty

when you came into the barber shop

because it's been a long time since me and my daughter

did something cool together, so.

Felt like losing that competition let her down.

Oh, man, stop. Come on, Tony.

You're blessed, you know.

I'd... It's hard being a single parent, man.

You know, my wife, unfortunately,

she passed away about a couple of years ago, so.

Oh. Sorry to hear that, bro.

I mean, it's hard, but you know, I love my child.

You know? Winning competitions like, like--

Cookiepalooza, you know, puts a smile on her face,

places joy in my heart, so.

That's why I go so hard on the pain.

I hear that. Ah, hey.

Here's to our daughters, little princesses

who love their daddies unconditionally.

Cheers to that.

Hey, thanks for the beer, man.

Oh, no, no. That round's not on me.

Yeah, I'm still in debt from having to buy

all those cookies to win Cookiepalooza, so.

[ laughing ]

At least they gave you that cool shirt.

Well, no, they didn't give me this.

I actually printed this out myself, so.

Really? Put that whole ensemble together yourself?

Yeah, but it's fly!

**

[ laughter ]

I'm just saying I don't know why I got so dressed up to go to that bar.

They obviously don't have a dress code, right? Should've had my knees out.

- [ laughter ] - Oh, you got jokes. You got jokes.

Hey, hey, Lisa! Somebody I want you to see.

What is it, baby?

Oh! Is that Thomas Harper?

Oh, my goodness. Look at you!

Boy, it is so good to see you.

Oh, oh, oh.

Tony, you are right. She is still fine.

[ laughing ] Here, let me spin your ass on.

Hey, all right.

Baby, I just wanted to bring an old friend by to say hi.

Lisa, thank you so much

for letting me sleep over last night.

- Hello. - Hey.

Oh, Tony. So, glad you're here.

We need help getting the last of the shower gifts in the car.

All right.

Wow.

There's no greater beauty

than a woman carrying life.

Thomas, that's my cousin Patrice.

Hey, nice to meet you.

Um, do you and your husband

need help carrying these gifts to the car, uh...

Husband? Uh, no. I'm flying solo.

Oh, really? Well, uh, mind if I give you a hand?

Sure.

I got it from here, player.

Tony: [ laughing ] All right, all right.

Get the door.

Oh, oh, okay. Hey, uh, one quick question.

You really are pregnant, right?

Yes.

Uh. Do twins run in your family?

[ laughter ]

Hey, Daddy, I'm really sorry I let you down

- with the cookie sales. - What?

Let me down, girl? You and your super troop made me proud.

Yeah, but we lost.

Aw, sweetie, it's not always about winning.

- The hell it aint. - Tony.

No, baby, you get an A for effort

and an H for hustle, so you are a winner in my book.

So, does that mean I can get a new iTab?

Oh, yeah! We're going shopping, girl!

We're going to do the shopping dance.

Shopping. Oh, with the shopping, hey.

Mm, with the-- Hey.

Mm, with the-- Oh, yes.