Original subtitles

**

Tony: God is great. Good is good.

Let us thank him for this food. A--

Man! What are you doing?

Blessing your food for you

'cause I know you're pressed for time.

Can't be my food because I'm on a cleanse,

and so are you! Come on, Tony.

You've been doin' so well.

Lisa, I tried. We've been on this fast forever.

Oh, it's only been two days, Tony,

and it's not a fast. It's a cleanse.

Two days without food is forever. A brother gotta eat.

But a brother's looking so good!

And after only two days.

Really?

Oh, absolutely! Face is all chiseled,

six-pack trying to pop back up.

[ laughing ] That brother has been feeling

a little extra sexy over the last couple of days.

Ain't seen my six-pack in... never.

Girl, get off me, liar!

Come on, Tony.

You promised you would do this with me.

I even bought the top-of-the-line juicer.

I was eating chili cheese fries when I made

that promise. I wasn't in my right mind.

Okay. Well, just-- babe, just do it for me.

It's only 10 days, and you'll thank me later.

Tonight.

Oh, okay. When you put it like that.

Let me get on out of here and get to this meeting at work.

Speaking of meat, I'm gonna to pick up some steaks on my way home.

- Steaks? - Yeah.

To put in that top-of-the-line juicer you got.

Steak juice for everybody.

**

* Woke up, and my wife said to me *

* The bill collectors want their fees *

* The kids keep talking back to me *

* Family Time

* Family Time, Family Time *

* Family Time.

**

All right. Just knock it off fast and get back to work.

Don't even think about food. Mind over matter.

Mm, mm. Mm!

That was pretty good.

Damn, I'm hungry.

Tony, come on, man. The lunch special

over at the Red Bucket will be over in an hour.

Can't do it. Me and Lisa are on a juice fast.

That's my lunch right here.

Quit playing, man! Look, they gonna run out

of macaroni and cheese in 30 minutes. You know how black restaurants are!

I'm serious about this fast, man. We've got eight days left.

Eight days? That's almost a week!

Look, now. We've got Wildest Wings on Wednesday.

We've got Tracy's Tacos on Tuesday. We've got Duggan's

on Friday. I'm not about to let you slow me up now.

Look, man. You're on your own.

Absolutely not, brother. Okay?

These outings are far too important to me

to exclude you, my brother! Come on.

They're important to you because I always treat.

This is true because, with my business model,

lunchtime hours are proven to be economically

less productive than later in the day.

So you're broke during lunchtime.

Has it come to this? I thought we were boys.

What are you talking about? We're boys.

Look, man. I can't take it anymore, man.

These insinuations, dude. Your mood, it's up, it's down.

I don't know what to expect no more, man!

You're doing juice cleanses? You're not no juice cleanse guy.

You're a meat and potatoes boy. You are Tony Stallworth!

Excuse me. I'm looking for Tony Stallworth?

That would be me. Hey, girl. Um, how are you?

Damn, sister, you fine.

Aren't you on your way to the Red Bucket?

Uh, don't bother.

They ran out of mac and cheese 10 minutes ago.

See? I told you--

Anyway, sister, I didn't get your name.

Man, go ahead.

You're going to tell me, though, right? Don't be...

Uh, neither did I. I'm Tony.

I'm Lauren Hall.

I got some commercial real estate

that I'd like to covert into a chain of restaurants.

Oh, okay. Are you working with an architect? 'Cause if not,

I can have something drawn up for your approval.

That sounds expensive. I have a budget,

and I'm trying not to exceed it.

Well, I can work with you.

Oh. Can we?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, everything's negotiable.

I've also been known to be a pushover.

Ah. Good to know.

I love seeing a successful black man at work.

Ah. I do what I do. So, what type of food

are you gonna have at your restaurant?

Ah, haven't decided yet,

but I love a thick burger.

Mm. I can go for a thick burger right now.

I like it animal style.

Are you still talking about food?

'Cause that kinda sounded metaphorical.

Oh, I'm just saying I'd like to discuss the project

over lunch, tomorrow. You pick the place.

I don't know if you want to do that. I'm hungry as hell.

Oh. I hope that was metaphorical.

Nope. I'm hungry as hell.

**

Lisa thinking: I hope 10 days isn't overdoing it.

Maybe Tony's right. Maybe it will be good for us

to eat something.

Maybe just one raisin.

I mean, raisins through a juicer

would make grape juice, and if I just eat the whole raisin,

maybe my body will naturally turn it into juice!

What's the difference?

Wow, I think I can actually feel that raisin

being turned into juice inside my digestive system.

But you wouldn't put just one raisin into a juicer,

would you? No, no, of course not. That would be ridiculous.

Mm. Mm!

Mm, mm.

I thought you were supposed to be on a juice fast.

And I thought you were supposed to knock

before you come in somebody's house.

And it is a cleanse, not a fast, thank you.

Ah, well, at least it's healthy 'cause you ain't get

all that ass from no cleanse or no fast.

Whatever. My man likes it. What about yours?

Oh, I forgot. You ain't got one.

Uh, funny but not nice.

I hope you eat every single one of those raisins in that box

and end up spending the entire night in the bathroom.

Oh, that's nasty, and it's not gonna happen

because I've also been eating granny smith apples.

They're naturally high in fiber and low in calories. I mean,

it's practically like juicing.

You know you sound crazy, right?

Insane. I'm starving!

Take me to the farmer's market, please?

No, no, no. I will not contribute

to you failing to reach your goals.

But I used all my apples making apple pie

a couple of days ago!

Oh, Lisa. That is not on the list.

Oh, my goodness. Oh, I love your apple pie, honey.

You mean to tell me you're gonna eat

this entire pie by yourself?

Fruit is fruit.

Give me that fork,

'cause I'm not on no juice fast.

Just a... mm.

**

The chef here is a personal friend,

and he's been bragging about his rib eye.

Here. One piece won't hurt your fast.

Yeah, sure. One piece won't hurt.

Lisa's voice: I know you're not about to eat that!

Huh? What? Who said that?

Who said what?

Never mind. I'm tripping.

Lisa: Don't eat it, Tony.

I'm not going to eat it.

Okay. I get it. You don't want any.

Oh, no, no. It's not that I don't want any.

Lisa: What?

I'm gonna just stick with the juice.

Are you okay?

Yeah, this juice fast thing has just got me tripping.

My mind's not right.

Ah. You know, if you were my man,

I wouldn't put you through this torture.

Lisa: Don't let this heifer get you in trouble.

Damn it, Lisa.

Lauren. My name is Lauren.

Um, yeah, I'm sorry. Lauren, my wife Lisa and I

have decided to do a cleanse, and, well, I'm sticking to it.

Mm. But what about me?

Do you think I need to do a juice fast?

No, no. I think you look nice.

Hmm. You don't always think that.

Sure, I do. As soon as you walked in my office.

Look, I'm married, not blind.

You really don't remember me, do you?

Huh?

Before I took my husband's last name,

I used to go by Lauren Matthews.

You know what?

I went to school with a Lauren Matthews.

Yeah.

Oh, we used to call her all kinds of names.

You know, kids could be cruel.

We used to call her Lazy Eye Lauren.

You know. Lauren "The Lard" Matthews.

Aka Lord of the Onion Rings.

[ laughing ]

She would clutch her lunch box and go, "My precious!"

[ laughter ]

Yup. Kids can be cruel.

Oh, you tell it. When she'd walk down the hall,

we'd go, "Praise the Lard!" There was this one time

she gave me a chocolate valentine,

and she took it back because she was hungry.

[ laughing ] I'm glad, too, 'cause

I did not want her to be my valentine.

And there was this one time-- that was you, huh?

[ laughter ]

That was a long time ago, Tony. All is forgiven.

Oh, good, 'cause I really want this job.

You got the job, Tony.

I want you.

Oh, thank you.

I've wanted you since I laid eye on you.

Uh, come on, Tony. I have a sense of humor, too.

And a damn good eye doctor.

But all jokes aside, I do want you.

Um, I'm married.

I don't want to marry you, Tony.

I already have a husband.

You know what I want.

Um... okay, look.

Uh, what you do is your business, but I'm feeling

a little uncomfortable, so I'm gonna go.

Lisa: Don't eat that!

I'm not gonna eat it.

**

Girl, I cheated. No!

Not on Tony. Are you crazy?

Me and Lori, we sat here, and we at the whole pie.

The whole pie! Yeah.

Yeah, you're right, you're right.

Today is a new day. I could start fresh.

Oh, I'm gonna finish this cleanse, even if it kills me.

Yeah. Okay. You know, let me call you later.

All right. Bye.

All right! I've got my carrots in here,

my beets in here for a little iron.

You know, I think I made enough juice for two days.

What! What do I tell these kids

about cleaning up after themselves...

Hmm. No. No, no!

I am not gonna do it. I'm not gonna eat

one of these delicious-looking cookies.

Not without some milk!

Tony's voice: Lisa, what are you doing?

I know you're not about to eat that.

I was just about to throw these away.

Tony: Girl, stop lyin'. I'm in your mind, and I know what you're thinking,

and don't think I don't know about the raisins.

Oh, I bet you don't know about the pie.

Tony: Ha! I do now.

Ah! This is ridiculous!

You got me in here talking to myself, and I'm really--

Uh, hey, baby. Hi, Ma.

I'm really proud of you for keeping the fast.

Yeah, yeah. I mean, I've got to admit it is not easy.

Let me help you with that.

Uh, really? You're just gonna eat the cookie

in front of your mom like that?

You're right. It needs milk.

Devin! Come on.

I thought you were better than that.

That's slightly inconsiderate.

So how does that juice taste?

Not as good as those cookies.

Ah, who am I fooling? This is hard!

I've got an idea. Why don't we get rid

of all that stuff that you're not supposed to be eating?

All of it? What do you mean?

Where are you going? What are you doing?

Huh? What are you trying to do, baby?

We're getting rid of all of that stuff

right now, so you won't be tempted!

Ah, okay, yeah. That's a good idea.

Whoa, not the cream caramel cookies, no.

I'm getting rid of these cookies.

No, no. I don't think that's necessary...

Yup, these sodas. Mm-hm.

No, no, wait, we've got to compromise.

No, those are my favorite! Don't touch the ranch.

We ought to compromise. Baby, come on.

True, true.

And this secret stash of candy

that you thought we didn't know about.

You know about that? Mm-hmm.

Tony: Everyone knows about that, Lisa.

Shut up, Tony!

Mom, it's me, Devin.

Yeah. Yeah, I see you, baby. I love you.

I'm really proud of you, you know that?

Uh, I'm gonna be in my room,

taking care of this trash and doing my homework.

Okay. That's great. Love you, baby.

Tony: Lisa, I know you're smarter than that.

What?

Tony: You just got punk'd. The trash can is the other way?

Devin! Devin!

**

Oh, yes.

Girl, I've been waiting all day for this juice.

How about you? How have you been doing?

You've been sticking to the fast?

How many times do I have to tell you it is a cleanse,

and I've been doing great. Of course, I have.

What about you? Have you been cheating?

Cheating? What you talk about cheating?

Nobody been cheating, baby. I love you.

Oh, oh, you mean the cleanse. Yes, no.

I've been sticking to the cleanse, and you, and you.

I've been sticking to the cleanse and you.

Oh. Okay. Well, you know, I think I'm going to get me

some more juice. You want something? You're good?

No, no. I'm fine.

All right.

Come on, Tony. Keep it together.

( doorbell rings )

Now, what are you doing here?

You forgot these blueprints.

I have my own copies.

I thought I heard the doorbell.

Hey, Lisa. Uh, this is my client, Lazy Eye Laur--

Um, Loch Ness Laur--

Lauren, Lisa. Lisa, Lauren.

Nice to meet you.

I brought you guys a cake. I baked it myself.

As you already know, we're on a cleanse?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know what, I'll take that.

I got it, and do you want something to drink?

I'll take some water.

Okay. I'll take a slice of that cake.

In seven days, not a minute before.

Oh, alone at last.

Girl, are you crazy?

If Lisa knew what you were up to,

you would be eating that cake through a straw.

Uh, Tony, it's not that big a deal.

All I want to do is...

Lick you until there's nothing left.

Mmm! So good. Ooh.

Damn, you're nasty. Girl, where do you want

them restaurants built, Sodom and Gomorrah?

Come on, Tony.

You know you want a piece of this...

Cake!

Ooh, I just love me, love me some cake.

Lauren, you've got to go. Come on.

But Lisa was gonna get me something to drink.

If you don't get your thirsty ass out of my house...

Uh, thirsty, huh? Oh, okay.

Well, all I know is, Tony, if you want this job,

you'd better get on your job.

Mm. Could you move your hand back a little bit,

'cause it look like, uh...

Oh, hey. Uh, what happened to your client?

Oh, she had to go, yeah. She was so thirsty,

she couldn't even wait for a drink.

Speaking of water, I'm gonna go hop

in the shower. Cold shower.

**

Rodney, she shows up at my house with a cake!

As hungry as I am? I'm talking three layers, dog.

See, that's your problem, Tony. You worry about cake,

and she trying to get you some pie.

[ laughter ]

Come on, Rodney. I mean, I love my wife.

And I loved all three of mine!

Okay? Every one of-- well, kind of.

I mean, I mean, sort of. I mean, for the most part.

Okay? But that didn't never stop me

from getting some cake every now and again.

Come on, Ton. Everybody loves a little cake.

Ugh. Tony, man!

Your car's out front doing to look dusty.

I would love to wash it for you if you could tell me

you got with the client chick, double dutch.

No, he didn't. And the woman is throwing herself at him,

and he won't take advantage of the situation.

Cheating on Lisa is not an option,

but it does feel good to know that the brother's still got it.

Okay. [ laughing ]

What are you talking about? Still got what, Tony?

How you still got something you ain't never had?

Wake up, fluffy!

Mm! Fluffy?

You're the one standing there,

looking like a Jenny Craig before picture.

[ laughter ]

Look, man. You need to juice with your boy.

Wow. Wow.

This lady has got your head so big,

it has finally exceeded the circumference

of my clippers. I can't cover you no more.

Man, I wish this was "Face/Off."

What are you talking about?

Just leave it alone, Rod. This is usually the time where I just tune him out

because he'd be on some whole other type of stuff.

Remember the movie "Face/Off," where they switch faces?

I remember "Face/Off." See?

Here it comes.

See, if this was "Face/Off," then you know, I could deal

with the client chick, relieving you of all the guilt

that accompanies infidelity, and you could pay my phone bill

'cause it's about to be cut off.

And I won't even have to ask for a loan, you know,

which I would pay back immediately, you know,

a couple of days, three months at the most.

Understand me? Because you would be me!

Oh, so every once in a while,

he'd just leap completely out of reality.

Dumb as a stump.

Of course, you know, I'd have to sleep

with Lisa, you know what I mean?

With her getting suspicious.

Ton, Ton, Ton, Ton.

You know, or we could just switch faces

after you pay my phone bill, huh?

You know what?

I pay my own phone bill.

You all take care.

That boy crazy. Cool it down, man.

Cool it down. You see, Ton,

you can't get yourself all riled up.

You understand me? You got a young lady like

what you look like now, you understand me?

And let me tell you something.

That "Face/Off" thing ain't a bad idea, but I think

you got the wrong face. Maybe you could...

Can I just get a haircut, please?

That's all I need.

All right. Let me get on it.

**

Busy?

I was just about to call you. We need to talk.

I agree. First, I want to apologize for coming on

to you like I did. It was very disrespectful of me.

And creepy.

Can I start over?

I'm Lauren Hall.

You used to call me Lazy Eye Lauren

when we were in elementary.

I'm Tony. I was very mean to you

back in the day, and I'm sorry.

Apology accepted.

Mm! Mm!

Damn it, Tony!

You could've at least waited for us

to switch faces first, man!

**

Wait, Donnie, this ain't what it looks like.

This is exactly what it looks like, Donnie.

Look. This ain't none of my business, man. I'm gonna just roll.

No, no. You stay right there.

Hey, man. We've been through a lot together,

but I'm not into watching. I'm into participating,

and, uh, me first.

No, no.

Look. This chick is crazy, okay?

She been on me ever since she was Lazy Eye Lauren,

trying to get me to sleep with her to get the job.

[ laughing ]

There was never any job, Tony.

What? Aw, hell--

Go get the hell out of my office.

In fact, I will.

Maybe I should go have a chat with your wife,

tell her how you propositioned me.

Hey, this is my best friend. I know him like the back of my hand.

He would never cheat on his wife.

You wouldn't cheat on your wife, would you?

No! In fact, I already told her about this whole situation,

and she's on her way up here. She should be here any minute.

Uh-oh! About to get crazy.

Look like you about to be Black Eye Lauren.

You know what? Maybe I should go.

Oh, and Tony, this ain't over.

Damn! She bad as hell. You're better than me, man.

I'd have cleared off this desk. It'd have been a stapler ball.

You know I like it rough.

Hey, man, but look. You did the right thing, man.

You resisted temptation, and I'm proud of you.

I've got to get up out of here because I have

a little lunch situation I've got to get at.

Hey, Lazy Eye! You hungry?

I've got coupons to The Rib Shack!

**

God is great. God is good.

Let us thank him for this food. Amen.

Aw, Tony. I thought you could last the whole 10 days.

So did I. We were both wrong.

Uh, can you hand me the pepper out of the cabinet, please?

Okay, but if you're gonna start eating again, then so am I.

Just remember, you quit first.

Mm. I'm sure you won't let me forget.

Ooh, slice me some of that cake, too.

Yeah... about the cake.

I threw that out.

What? I thought for sure you ate that.

Girl, I'm proud of you. Come here. Mm.

That-- that is the chocolatiest kiss

I've ever had in my life!

Choc, choc, I don't know what you're talking about!

You broke the fast first! Is that a crumb?

Yeah, keep playing, yeah. Come here!

[ shouting continues ]

[ laughter ]