Original subtitles

Okay, inputted our expenses.

Estimated our taxes.

Now press calculate and let Tax Buster do the rest.

Wow! [laughing] Hey, Lisa, come and check this out!

What, Tony? Come on.

I don't wanna watch anymore freaky internet.

I'm not on that website. No, no, check it out.

I'm using this new Tax Buster app.

-According to my calculations-- -Wait, wait.

Why are you doing the taxes now?

I'm filing late baby, all the ballers' do it.

Now, check it out.

Did really good this year.

Let me see.

Wow! We did do good.

I mean as a matter of fact, we're kind of ballin'.

Why don't we finally take that vacation to Paris?

Girl, we can buy a house in Paris

and vacation in Spain, know what I'm talkin' about?

[laughing] I knew this was gonna be a good year for us, baby.

As a matter of fact, the fortune teller told me right before she got hit by that car.

Hmm... I bet she didn't see that coming.

But, wait a minute, hold that thought

What, what?

I forgot to factor in the kids' college funds.

Let me see.

Oh, damn it!

What? Let me see.

Wait, is that all we're going to have at the end of the year?

Yep! Just like that we are back to broke.

[sighs]

No Paris for oui oui.

Oh, no, wait a minute. Maybe we could still go.

Hmm... Let's be honest.

One of them kids ain't going to college.

I'm not gonna say which one, but his name rhymes with Kevin.

Lisa, why did you leave all the lights on in the bathroom?

You're not even in there anymore.

But I'm getting ready to go back in there.

No, you're not. You're sitting here drinking coffee.

Well, you know the best part of waking up.

Girl, ain't nobody trying to hear all that.

We gotta start saving some money around here.

We might have to fire the gardeners and have Devin cut the grass.

That's actually a good idea.

We'd have to buy him a lawnmower though.

To hell with that. Get the boy a pair of scissors and call it a day.

Keep him busy all summer. He out there just...

[laughing] You're crazy, Tony.

I think maybe, I should find a job.

[laughing] Hmm... yeah, right. Maybe I should win the lottery again.

-Don't -I'm just sayin'.

Ah, what's up family?

Ah, girl, I knew you had something brewing for me.

Is that Bavarian roast?

Let me get it. Mm.

Hey, man, you look like you've been up all night at the candy shop.

[laughing] I wish. Last night was amateur night.

A couple of my moms' home girls down there doin' their thing.

I remember I had one and you had the cousin and then we--

-[clears throat] -Goober drived all night.

Goober drive, what's that?

Oh, that's something like being a cab driver.

It's better than being a cab driver, man.

It's like being a cab driver with an app.

See, with this thing, I make all my own hours.

It's sort of like being a pimp.

Maybe I should Goober drive.

I mean I like the idea of making my own hours.

What? Not a chance.

I'm not letting you be around all those strangers.

They don't screen them people. What if something happens to you?

Aw... I guess you're right.

Yeah.

Donnie, if you don't get off my woman...

Hey, man, just got caught up in the moment, brother.

My apologies, alright?

I like the compassion you've got for your girl, man,

but where's mine? You know? I mean, I'm your best friend.

What if something happened to me?

Yeah, that's true. I'd be devastated.

I'd never get that money back you owe me.

You better put some pep in your step, baby,

you're about to be late for work.

Hey, man, actually, I'll take you.

Ah, no. I'm cool.

It's off the meter, man.

Ah, well, in that case, cool. Carpooling saves money.

But I'm riding in the back seat so you can be my chauffeur.

A word to the wise, man.

You don't wanna sit in the back seat.

Front seat it is.

Hey, Lisa. Do you still need these lights on?

-I'm in here. -Girl, It's day time.

Girl, why are you sitting here with the lights off?

-You depressed? -Don't even get me started.

That's Tony's way of trying to save money.

He even has us trying to cut back on how many times we flush the toilet.

Talking about, "If it's yellow, let it mellow.

If it's brown, flush it down."

Ew, girl that's nasty.

I told you not to marry Fred Flintstone.

So you ready to go shopping or what?

Not anymore. I mean after we checked our finances last night,

we really have to cut back on spending right now.

Ah, well, that's OK, 'cause, uh...

I went shopping yesterday.

I see...

Where did you get this?

Oh, that's the, uh, new Lewis Stuart collection.

-It just came out. -Wow, OK.

Oh, yeah, turn around to the back.

Girl, stop. How can you afford this?

Oh, I got a sponsor.

Oh, you got a sugar daddy? Or in your case a sugar momma?

Girl, no. I ain't out there like that.

No more.

I made this paper from being on Funstagram.

-Funstagram? What's that? -Oh, you ain't up?

It's a new phone app where you upload photos and then you share them with people.

Well, how does that make you money?

Well, if you get enough followers on Funstagram

then you can add sponsors and then...

you can start getting paid like this.

They deposited all that money into your account because you uploaded some photos?

I mean, did you have on clothes?

Yeah! Sometimes.

You'd be great at it. I think you should try it.

Especially with all that junk you've got.

Stop!

You're welcome. Turn around again.

Well, look. I'm almost done setting up your account.

and I've already uploaded the photo of you with my bag.

Oh, I do look kinda cute with that bag.

Oh, look, you're already getting new likes.

-Already? -The sooner you get your followers up,

the sooner the deposits will start rolling in.

Let's go window shopping until some of my money comes in.

Window shopping? I got money.

I'll be your sugar momma today.

Is that right?

-[Rachel] Work it. -[Lisa] Hey, OK. I'll take it.

-[Rachel] Get me some more pictures of that. -[Lisa] You gotta like that.

[door slamming]

[bottle shaking]

What's this? You know where I found this?

The trash. Is this you?

Yeah, I drank a bottle of water and I threw it into the trash.

What is the big deal?

The big deal is, there's still a little bit of water left in it.

Now go ahead and drink it. Go on!

I'm not about to drink some water out of the trash.

Aha! So you admit there's still a bit of water left in it.

Yeah, I admit I drank the water

and there's still a bit of water left in it.

But I'm not about to drink it.

All right, fair enough.

But it sure in hell ain't going to waste. In fact...

I'm gonna water these plants with it. That's what I'm gonna do.

Oh, yeah. Oh, that's a great idea, Tony.

Just water those plants with that half a drop of water.

That's really gonna save us some money.

Glad you agree.

And why are we spending money on bottled water anyway?

From now on this family is drinking tap water.

Speaking of tap. [laughing]

Oh, Tony.

You gotta admit that was some clever work.

That was very clever. I admit it.

[kissing] [laughing]

[phone beeps]

-Is that your phone? -I'm sorry, let me just put it on silent.

Yeah, put it on silent 'cause I got some work to do, ya dig?

And we ain't gotta be silent 'cause the kids are at a sleepover.

[kissing] [laughing]

Lisa, What kind of party is going on in your phone?

I'm sorry, Tony.

And who the hell is texting you this late?

I need names and addresses. I'm gonna have a face to face with them right now.

Nobody is texting me, Tony!

Well, then why is your phone going off?

Is it hungry? Does it need its diaper changed or something?

It's my Funstagram.

-Your whatsa-who? -Funstagram.

Rachel set it up for me. You post pictures

and then people like them and then your phone makes a little notification noise.

I see. I'm sorry that I don't give you enough attention.

But that doesn't mean you need to go seek it on the internet.

It's really not about attention. It's more about money.

I'm listening.

Yeah the more popular you are, the more money you can make.

Making money off of pictures?

What kind of pictures are we talking about?

Anything you want.

So I can take pictures of this lamp and we can make money off of it?

Theoretically, if people liked a picture of a lamp.

But don't nobody give a damn about a lamp.

Exactly. So where does the money-making come in?

When you post pictures people actually like.

OK, what type of pictures do people actually like?

All sorts. But, you know, I notice most people like the pictures I post of myself.

Aha! Yeah. I see.

So this is about attention after all.

I can't help if people like me better than some lamp.

I'm not feeling it.

I'm have to nix this right here Lisa. I'm not feeling it.

You don't even know what it is.

I know what it is not. That you on Funstagram.

Oh, Tony. I can't Goober drive because you think it's too dangerous.

Now I can't even work from home.

What do you want from me, Tony?

What I've being trying to get since I got in this room. Now, Are we gonna do it or not?

'Cause I got a timer on the lights.

Never mind.

Oh, I still got light.

Selfie. One second.

[click]

Really?

What? People love posts about food.

See. Told you.

Let me see that.

A whole lot of comments on here.

@Bentleyevans says:

-"She got more ham than Honeybaked." -[laughing]

@Ricarlo says:

"She got more booty than a diaper."

Look, I don't see any comments about food!

It's all guys talking about how you look.

So what, Tony?

How is that any different from when I'm walking down the street

and some random dude tries to holla at me?

At least I'm getting paid.

-Now you sound like a-- -Hold up now!

Whatever. Can I get my sandwich, please?

Can I get my selfie stick please?

Thank you.

You really wanna go there, huh, Lisa?

Go where? To Paris?

Yes, Tony.

And I am only one hundred followers away from sponsorship level.

I mean I can reach that by the end of the day at this rate.

Oh, whatever.

I'll be over here eating by myselfie.

-Hey, baby. What's wrong? -[door closes]

- You're wrong. - Excuse me?

Really, Mom?

You gotta get on Funstagram? All my friends go on that site.

So what's that supposed to mean?

Since I'm your mother I'm not supposed to go on social media?

Look. When all my friends at school can't stop talking about

Thickum Stallworth,

then it poses as a bit of a social problem for me.

No disrespect but you gotta chill.

And whose idea was this?

It's gonna take me forever to cut the grass with some scissors.

I'm gonna at least need two pairs.

[scissors clicking]

And stop taking baby pictures of me

and putting them on "Throwback Thursday."

I thought they were cute.

[doorbell rings]

[slapping hands]

Oh, what's up, Donnie? Where you get all that?

Man, I've been killing it with this Goober diver thing, man!

I met this rich client, he's been paying me in cash.

It's the best part about it.

I feel like a stripper!

Well, I'm happy for you, bro, I'm happy for you.

What's up with you, Tone?

Lisa, man, she trippin'.

She's all into this social media thing, thinks it's going to make her rich.

Yo, Lisa's on Funstagram?

Yeah, man. It's bad.

That is crazy, man.

If I was to do it, like, how would I even follow her?

You go to: www.getyoassoutmyhouse/now

Is it two T's in "get"?

No, just, just one, just one.

Let me show you.

Word.

[Donnie] Tell her to follow back.

[shouting] What? Donnie! Hey!

Alright.

Don't nobody care about your muscles. Turn around a little bit.

-Really? -[Rachel] Look over your shoulder. There you go.

-[Rachel] Arch your back. -Arch it?

-[Rachel] Yeah, they like that. -OK, is that-- How does that look?

[Clears throat loudly]

May I ask what y'all are doing down here in my man cave?

May I ask what you're doing out of the swamp, Shrek?

That was a good one, Ratchet, I mean Rachel.

Look, I came down here to separate these two-ply rolls of toilet paper.

Why don't we just get a bidet, Tony?

That's a good idea! Actually no, that's just a waste of water.

In fact, how long are you going to be burning all these lights?

Why don't you go down in the garage and get the kerosene lamps?

Well, should I get a musket while I'm in there?

Come on, Tony. We will not be in your space for very long.

Aren't you even interested in what your wife is doing?

She just reached 10,000 followers an hour ago.

She's about to make it to Funstagram gold level, make some real money,

and make you her Steadman. [laughs]

What's with that bunny suit?

The two most popular things online are hot girls and cute animals.

Mm-hm, and we're going to capitalize on both.

I don't like anything about this.

I made $5,000 this month.

I'm in. How do I get one of them bunny suits?

You really going to get on Funstagram, Tony?

Oh, yeah. You can follow me @bigbunnymoney.

[laughs]

-Hm. BBM, that's perfect. -Yeah, ain't it?

[laughs]

Hey, Rach, what's up?

No.

What do you mean risqué? On my account?

No, I would never post pictures like that. Hold on.

[gasps]

O-M-G!

How did anybody get those pictures?

How did they get on Funstagram?

I must have been hacked!

[Sighs]

[Tony yelling] Oh, hell no! Lisa!

Lisa! Lisa!

Uh, what's up, Lisa?

What's with these pictures? This is the most embarrassing thing to happen to our family.

I'm not so sure about that. Why do you have that on, Tony?

I'm trying to get my followers up. Mind your business.

Now this is about you.

OK, I think I can explain.

Remember the time it was your birthday

and I sent you those pictures? You remember?

Yeah. But what I want to know is what are they doing online, woman?

I don't know! Gosh, you are hoppin' mad about this.

I'm sorry, Tony!

I don't know how this happened, OK? I think somebody hacked into my phone and posted 'em.

I should've just listened to you and never got on Funstagram in the first place.

You think? Fix this, Lisa.

Now!

I need some sleep, Lisa.

Mm, nope! [bangs on table]

No sleep until all these blogs take my pictures off their sites

You got me into this Funstagram thing anyway. Type!

It's hopeless!

You email one blog and ask them to take the photos down

and then the photos are already up on ten other blogs.

You gonna have to ride this one out like a Kardashian, sis.

Man, that's it, that's truly it. I am shutting this account down.

-Wait! Wait a minute. -What?

It says I reached premier platinum level.

That's the highest level you can get on Funstagram!

That's three levels higher than what I have.

Those photos gained you one hundred and sixty thousand new followers overnight!

Ah, no, no, no! It doesn't matter.

OK, I'm still shutting it down. I'm deleting it.

OK, wait, wait, wait! First, let's just check your inbox.

See? It's full of sponsors. Look at all that money!

Wait. Hello?

This is she.

From where?

Vicky's Truth bra catalogue!

You want to pay me how much? To take some pictures?

Ah, well, OK, thank you.

You know, let me call you back. Thank you.

They want to pay me ten grand to be their social media ambassador.

Oh! It's happening! I told you, sis.

-You got to ride it out. -Ride it out!

I mean, I'm going to ride this thing 'til the wheels fall off for ten grand!

-OK, hit it, hit it. -Hit it.

Oh, cause it makes it go straight down.

Tony, what are you doing?

Oh, don't worry about what we got goin' on. We about to get paid.

Who is this man in my house?

Oh, Roy? We goin' half on a cart. [laughs]

Tony? Is that... Thickums Stallworth?

Heavenly Father, where's my phone, I need to call my momma.

Oh, do you wanna take a selfie?

-Cause we can definitely-- -Quit playin'!

Go on out of here, Roy.

I'll meet you down at the recycling spot, man, to get my cut.

I'm gone.

How'd you get a cell phone?

That's my business.

Now did you handle that situation we talked about?

Oh, relax, honey! It's OK.

That's actually what I came to talk to you about. I'm working on it.

And, you know, despite all my extra attention, there is a silver lining.

-What? -I'm glad you asked.

Now because of my recent internet fame,

Vicky's Truth bra catalogue reached out to me on Funstagram,

and they want me to be their new spokes model.

Hell no! I thought you were gonna delete that account.

I was! But then, I reached premier platinum level and I thought--

No, no, no. Fix this, Lisa. Delete that account.

Devon, baby, what happened to your eye?

Funstagram happened to my eye!

I got into a fight at school because some clowns

got a hold of your newest pictures on the gram.

See? Now, we don't need the money at this expense.

If anything, I'll start Goober driving to get some extra cash

Oh, oh... really?

That's just what I need, you know?

Mom's on Funstagram, showin' all her business.

Pop's chauffeuring my friends around as a Goober driver.

What are y'all trying to do? Ruin me?

Now if you'll excuse me...

I'll be outside, cutting the grass.

You want seconds, baby?

-Oh, yeah! I want seconds! -OK.

I wasn't talking about the food, though.

-Mm, mm! -[laughs] Silly.

Oh, oh, Lisa! Check this out.

[reporter] If you're just tuning in, LAPD has been

in pursuit for the last ten minutes.

It looks like they are headed into the Windsor Hills area.

That's our neighborhood.

That car looks familiar.

[reporter] We just got word that the driver of the vehicle is an unknown Goober driver.

-Donnie? -Donnie?

Oh, what happened to the TV?

Uh, I canceled the cable.

Tony!

[Panting]

Hey, remember when I told you I was a Goober driver for that one rich client.

Turns out he was a bank robber, man!

What?

-Are you serious? -Don't I look serious, man?

He hired me as his personal getaway driver.

I'm gonna be in the attic, alright?

If anyone comes looking for me, y'all don't know where I'm at.

Have my back on this one, man. I didn't do nothing, brother.

Police department! Don't make a move!

Where's the suspect?

Keep them hands where I can see them.

Thickums!

[laughing] Wow, this is amazing!

-Really? -Uh, sorry.

[Donnie] No, you got the wrong one, man! I'm not Donnie, he is!

Well, I passed on the Vicky's Truth offer

and I took my pictures off Funstagram.

But, I thought you were going to delete the entire account?

[sighing] Oh, baby, don't worry. I turned it into a personal photography blog.

Hm, you still get to keep all of your followers?

Please. After I deleted my pictures

and started posting sunsets, moonlit skies, trees, vacations,

and our kids,

I honestly have like fifteen followers.

Well, I guess that's the end of your super-duper-fancy-shmancy ultra platinum level, huh?

Yeah, and no more checks.

I liked that little bit of extra money.

Ah, come on, I'd rather have a little extra dignity.

-True -Now, we're both smart.

I'm sure if we put our brains together,

we can come up with some extra ideas to make a little more money.

Maybe we could just sell one of your kidneys?

Or how 'bout you try roping our family into some pyramid scheme.

Oh, wait a minute, you did that already.

[laughs] Oh, very funny. You know what?

You can earn us some extra money as a stand-up comedian.

[laughs mockingly]

Or maybe you can start teaching a class on how to talk back to your man.

Hey, you can start a whole "Talk back to your man" university.

You can hire your sisters as professors

and y'all can sell online classes

and the three of y'all can be responsible for divorces worldwide.

Divorce! That's a really quick, easy way to earn some money.

No, quick easy, no. It'd be a long, drawn out process.

You right, you real right. Or you know what a quicker way would be?

To collect on your life insurance policy.

How much is that policy, again?

Same as yours.

You thinkin' what I'm thinkin'?

That we fake our deaths, move to Mexico, and use the money to start over and never look back?

I was thinking France, but yes to all that other stuff.

[laughs] Well, you know we'd have to live in hiding.

That means we couldn't talk to anybody. No friends, no family. Especially your sisters.

No contact at all?

No contact at all. No phone calls, no postcards, no social media.

No Funstagram?

Especially no Funstagram.

You know, I'm gonna be one hundred percent honest,

I gotta say, I kinda miss the attention I got on Funstagram.

I had a lot of followers!

Baby, I'm all the followers you need.

That's true, that's very true.

But why don't you go ahead and follow me in between these sheets?

OK!

You know, I don't see "me in between these sheets" on Funstagram.

Is it under a different user name or something?

[laughs]