Original subtitles

Let's go, Lisa! Let's go, dig deeper!

Just a few more minutes! I'm digging!

Okay! (panting)

To the side. Oh, girl.

Girl, come on, get up, what you doing?

Okay, okay, I got it.

(panting)

Sean G. ain't no punk.

Okay. Let's go.

Repeater! Repeater!

Repeater! Repeater!

Repeater! Repeater!

Okay, yes, yes, you got it.

I'm right behind you. Man.

Man. I'm gonna get up

'cause I want my abs to be so hard

I can wash the kids' laundry on them.

'Cause that-- that last water bill was stupid.

Oh, that's what I'm talking about, baby,

keeping it tight, keeping it right.

No, Tony, don't come over here with that.

I just burned 400 calories and you got at least 600

in potato chip dust on your lips.

Speaking of potato chip dust,

Rachel, you want to help me get some off my lips?

I just threw up in my mouth a little bit.

Oh, well, girl,

first meal of the day, most important.

Oh, God.

Oh, I get it.

What's the matter? You ain't ready to come home yet?

Girl, I know the way.

Come home to men?

Donnie, little do you know, but that gut

is part of what's keeping me away.

Oh, girl, this ain't nothing but a little baby fat.

Give me a week and a bottle of water, I'm straight.

Choke yourself, Donnie.

I thought y'all went to the barbershop.

Oh, yeah, we were on our way.

But that Crazy Crab got to calling.

All you can eat.

And as you can see, that ain't all we can eat.

Shame.

Uh, Tony, really,

how can you eat that unhealthy junk?

Unhealthy?

Girl, potatoes are vegetables.

Fried vegetables.

Yeah, whatever.

Vegetables nonetheless.

Besides, fat cancels out fat.

Okay, where'd you read that?

In Dr. Fatkins' "Reader's Fat-gest"?

No, I think I read it in "Get the Hell Out My House" magazine.

You want a subscription?

Let me see, let me see.

This juice is only 15% real juice, baby.

Yeah, but it's the other 85% that tastes good.

Ah, I'll drink to that. Chuuch.

Okay, okay.

So, let me guess, it's just an illusion

that you two look really out of shape.

Girl, my gut ain't as big as it appears, all right?

I'm in the best shape of my damn life.

What shape is that? A circle?

Okay, you ain't believe it, huh?

Tone, let's get up and show 'em

how we get it in, huh, dog?

Oh, no, no, no, that working out is for broke brothers.

I'm too busy getting money.

(mocking) Yeah, money, money.

You just gonna put me out like that

in front of your wife and her lesbian sister?

All right, why don't you give me $20

so I don't appear as broke, huh?

Absolutely not.

I respect your decision.

I have to do it myself then, playboy.

Bam. All right.

Cool. What you want to do is, when you get started,

I'm trying to teach them something,

'cause you already know where we at.

What you gotta do is,

you gotta start with your right leg,

'cause your left leg is always behind, all right?

So you start with your leg.

And then you kinda stretch a little bit

and you be like, bow!

And you realize that you can't move.

Because, uh...

I think I got a cramp.

Cramp! Oh, it's a cramp!

Oh, help me with the cramp, now,

don't you see me falling?

Get my leg, now, call somebody,

get an ambulance over here.

Donnie, that was just the opening credits.

Aah!

It felt like the advanced tape.

Get the phone! Ain't nobody moving!

Aah! Ahh...

* I woke up and my wife said to me *

* The bill collectors want their fees *

* Kids keep talking back to me *

* Family time

* Family time, family time family time **

Hey, Lis!

Hey, babe.

Girl, it's the middle of the day

and you still got a robe on, what's the matter?

Yeah, I took a shower.

I wasn't feeling too hot.

You okay?

I'm good. Okay.

But I, uh, I do want to talk to you about something.

Mmm, way ahead of you.

The kids have gone camping,

so maybe we should go talk

down at the Crazy Crab. Get dressed.

Weren't you just there?

Mm-hmm. Crazy Crab, girl.

That crab is crazy.

Woo!

Best seafood buffet in town.

A little Dungeness crab legs dipped in butter?

Mmm!

Girl, bring your big purse

in case we want to bring some home.

You feel me? You know you ghetto, right?

All right. So ghetto.

But I think I'll take a pass.

Pass? Girl, what's wrong with you.

What part of "all you can eat" don't you get?

Uh, the part where you eat way more than you need.

Oh, I get it, I get it.

You're still on that little workout tip.

All right, I respect that.

Give me your big purse.

I'll bring you some gluten-free salad.

Baby, I really think you should get on this health kick with me.

(scoffs) Girl, the only reason why a brother

would try to get in shape

is for him to get a smoking hot babe.

Look, been there, done that, and I put a ring on it.

Well, I just don't want you to have health issues later.

(scoffs) Girl.

What happened to the dream

of us growing old and fat together?

Now, if that comes with some health issues, so be it.

You gotta die of something.

I'd rather die with $80 worth of crab in my stomach, you feel me?

And again, I will pass.

I like being the sexy mama at the grocery store.

And plus, baby, I need you around, for me and the kids.

Girl, I ain't going nowhere.

Wait-- both them kids is mine, though, right?

I'm just playing with you, girl.

You know I'm gonna be here for the family.

Except for tonight.

Tonight, I'll be down at the Crazy Crab.

Okay, well, we'll be here.

"We'll"?

Quickest camping trip ever. Them kids back already?

Yeah, the other one will be here.

Other one?

I think I'm pregnant.

Pregnant? Pregnant?!

How could-- How--

I just don't get it, I don't get it.

How could this happen?

Well, it wasn't in vitro.

Don't get cute.

That's what got us here in the first place.

No, what got us here in the first place

was you talking about some "Baby, come over here,

I know you want some of this thunder."

Girl, I thought you was on birth control.

I was, but I got off it

when it started making me gain weight.

Oh, oh, that's-- I get you.

You're female, you don't wanna gain weight,

I feel you, I feel you.

But you know what else'll help you gain wait?

Having another baby.

You know what?

I really thought you'd have a different reaction.

I don't know why you thought that.

You ain't exactly no spring chicken anymore.

Oh, well, you wasn't complaining

when you was trying to get a piece of this chicken

with your crazy crab-eating ass.

Girl, you know I'm a sucker for chicken.

Look, look, look, but just let me breathe, let me...

(deep breath) Ooh, let me breathe.

It's just a whole lot to take in, that's all, that's all.

I got... I got two of 'em trying to get out

and I got one trying to get in.

And what's next, another one after that?

You about to be the black Octomom.

You know, I'm not exactly thrilled about this myself,

but it's an addition to our family, Tony.

A baby is a blessing.

Yeah, so is all-you-can-eat crab legs

and right now, I'd rather have that.

This is crazy.

Okay, I know, I know.

But can you see the positives?

The baby will have built-in babysitters:

the older siblings.

Mm, oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah.

We could save a little bit of money, right?

Yeah, you know what else will save us some money?

Not having another baby.

You know what else will save me some money?

Divorcing you, getting alimony and child support.

I think we should have a baby.

It sounds like a good idea.

I'm with you, I'm with you.

Rachel, what are you doing?

I'm looking for some comfort food.

Lisa, where's the ice cream?

I threw all that stuff away, remember?

What? You can't have a pity party without ice cream.

That's like having a pity party without ice cream.

Oh, honey, it's gonna be all right.

Children are a blessing.

Okay, Lori, you don't even have kids.

Of course not, I don't have time for all that.

Besides, Lisa's got enough for both of us.

I bet you don't even know her kids' names.

Look, this is not about, uh, Devin

or Ebony or Ivory.

This is about our baby sister.

You're right. So sister to sister,

I want you to keep it real.

Is Tony really the daddy?

Why? You can tell me.

Why do I even call you when I have a problem?

Remember we went out that night

and we was wildin' out?

Who is "we"?

And I says-- Oh, Lord!

What on...

Oh, Lord.

What the hell's all the giggling about?

Nothing, big papa.

Where you coming from, looking all sweaty and disgusting?

I know it ain't the gym. Right?

No, no, no, no, I was down at the chickenhead convention

accepting y'all awards for you.

You the founder.

Well, look, I actually was at the gym, getting it in.

You know, I gotta be in shape for the arrival

of little Tony or Toneeka.

Baby, I got in a whole three.

What? Get it, baby.

Three miles?

No, three minutes, baby.

I couldn't do it. I couldn't--

I just ain't got it in me, I'm sorry.

That's a damn shame.

Your wife only wants you to get in half-decent shape

and you can't even do that.

Why can't you just mind your damn business?

No, wait, wait, wait, let me translate,

'cause I do speak chickenhead.

(clucking)

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

What is going on with all of this hostility up in here?

And don't think Lisa didn't tell us

about you being mad at her for being pregnant?

'Sup with that, baby bro?

Okay, first of all, Steve Harvey collars,

let me explain something to you.

I need you to lower your voice

when you're talking to me in my house.

Now, second of all, I wasn't mad, okay?

I just wasn't happy per se.

Oh, I see.

So you're telling me that you had the audacity,

you had the audacity to be not happy per se

that my beautiful little sister

is pregnant with your marsupial

when it takes two to tango.

Or two-step depending on where you go.

* Just shake your little booty *

* Shake your booty--

Lori, Rachel, stop it, please.

I've heard just about enough I can hear

out of you little cackling hens.

Baby, I'm gonna go take a nap.

Well, you might as well

get all the naps you can now,

'cause when that baby come,

he gonna wear your old ass out.

You know, you two could be nicer to him.

He is the father of my children.

Allegedly.

Yeah, 'cause I don't know who that little girl look like,

but it ain't you or me.

Don't talk about my baby girl like that.

I've been meaning to talk to you about that.

Stop it, cut it out. Whose child is she?

(muffled shouting)

Can y'all keep it down?

I'm trying to take a nap!

Can't get no respect around here.

Cackling hens.

I love you.

I love you.

Yes, I love you.

You say something, baby?

Uh, no, I was talking to the baby.

You hungry?

No, no, no, I'm okay.

I do got a little craving

for some of them Dungeness crab legs, though.

But right now, I'll just take some sugar.

Eww, no, not until you wipe

that sugar off your lips.

What you been eating, Tony?

Donuts, again?

No. I'm on a diet.

I was eating sugar cookies.

Oh, Tony, are you just gonna sit on that couch all day?

It's what I do every day.

Now, come on over here and sit on Daddy's lap.

No. No, thank you.

I think I will pass.

But you can come up off that disability check.

Yeah, here you go.

Thank you.

You ain't gonna spend it all, is you?

Uh, yeah, that's really not for you to worry about.

You just go ahead and keep on

rocking little Tony and Toneeka

and I'm gonna put Antonia in the crib.

Move your little chunky-ass leg.

(knocking)

Oh, baby, can you get that?

I've eaten and I can't get up.

Oh. Hey.

Hey, sis!

Hey, Donnie!

Brother, how you--

Brother, how you been, man?

I ain't seen you in a minute.

Yeah, you got all these damn kids keeping me away, playboy.

And look at Rachel.

Girl, what you doing looking all feminine?

Shut up, fat ass.

I don't get it.

Why are y'all two together in the first place?

First and foremost, do the turn.

That's the first reason.

Second reason, man, I just like bringing chicks back home,

and I showed her the way, brother, you understand me.

He got me, he's right, he got me.

Stop bragging. You ready to go, sis?

Oh, yeah, let me just get my big purse.

Big purse? Where y'all going?

Where we going? Where ain't we going?

We about to go to the Crazy Crab!

All-you-can-eat buffet, baby.

Yeah. We would invite you,

but then we gotta call the fire department

and they gotta break out the jaws of life,

and that's just to get you out the house.

Then we have to rent a flatbed with a crane on it to get you on the truck,

and that's not even talking about

getting your big ass back in the house.

And we don't have a babysitter.

I'm not that fat.

I done lost a couple pounds.

Where? In your fingernails?

You can't physically get up.

I don't think you're supposed to be rocking

both babies in one arm like that, by the way.

Uh, yeah, and by the way, Tony,

I forgot to tell you, I'm pregnant again.

Girl, you tripping.

You pregnant?

Am I the daddy?

No.

This one's on me, dog.

What?

Stop reaching, man,

you're not gonna be able to get me.

Put at least one baby down before you hit me next time.

Listen, it just happened,

we went to the Crazy Crab one night,

things got crazy, all right?

Ladies? Let's go, baby.

Hey, man, at least bring me back a doggy bag.

You don't need another doggy bag.

Man, I was the one that told y'all about the Crazy Crab!

He's throwing food again.

I'm naming him Donnie.

Ooh!

I was the one that told y'all about the Crazy Crab.

(sighs)

Oh, no, see, I can't handle having no more kids.

That ain't gonna work.

What's up, Tone?

Don't "what's up, Tone" me.

I see how you get down.

Huh? (scoffs)

Look, y'all better not be trying

to go to the Crazy Crab without me.

All hell is gonna break loose up in here.

The Crazy Crab?

Look, man, I came over here

'cause me and a couple of the fellas

are going down to the cigar lounge.

We wanted to see if you wanted to roll.

Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah, no, that's cool.

Let me just shake this daze off.

What you doing sleeping in the middle of the day for, anyway?

You in preschool or something?

I got a lot on my mind, man.

In fact, you got a minute?

Why don't you grab a seat?

I don't have a moment, and why don't you grab a stand?

Come on, man, let's go. I am serious.

Is everything all right?

Lisa hit me with a doozy.

I knew those kids wasn't yours, man.

Ebony ain't even got nobody's face.

Man, cut it out.

Them kids is mine.

But I did have the craziest dream

that I'm not gonna get into right now.

Look...

Lisa's pregnant.

Wow. Yeah.

Like that? Like that.

That's a lot to take in.

Um... how do you feel about it?

You know, I think I'm still in shock.

I don't really know how I feel.

I mean, it's great and all,

but you know, Devin and Ebony

are almost out of the house.

Well, not almost, but you know what I mean.

I'm ready to be an empty-nester, travel the world.

You know, do everything me and Lisa always wanted to do.

And then this gets dropped on us.

Dropped on you, huh? Mmm.

Let me tell you something, man.

A baby is a blessing.

I mean, I wish I could end up with half of what you got.

You told anybody yet?

No, just you.

You ain't even told Lisa?

Lisa knows.

How'd she find out?

Really?

Did you tell your dad yet?

(sighs) You know what? I haven't.

I'm gonna give him a call right now.

Man, call him on the way.

He can meet us there.

Meet us where?

We're going out, man.

You about to be a daddy again.

Forget the cigar lounge, let's get you some drinks.

Why not?

Check this here out, though, brother.

Would you mind letting me hold something

so we can both drink?

You a cold piece of work.

What? I don't wanna drink alone.

So what's up, Big Tone? What you drinking, man?

I guess I'll have a beer.

But make mine a light.

Make mine dark-skinned.

Yeah, man, I'm just trying to cut back on them carbs,

make sure I'm in shape to throw the football around

with my new little man.

I feel that, but, uh,

what if it's a girl, Tone?

Then I really need to be in shape

so I can fight off her little men.

Oh, there you are, Dad. Glad you made it.

Yeah, barely.

Son, what in the hell made you pick a bar

on this side of town?

This is where me and the boys hang out.

You ought to consider one on the other side of the tracks.

Bartender! Hey, hey!

Give me two.

So what's up, Mr. Stallworth, man?

You excited to be a grandfather again?

Yeah, yeah, absolutely.

Now, the best thing about being a grandpa

is that you get to play with 'em

and then send 'em on home.

(chuckling)

Son, what the hell's wrong with you?

I guess I'm just still in shock.

Thought my baby-raising days were through.

Mmm. Yeah.

I remember the feeling when I got my "oops" baby.

When you had your what?

Well, that's when a child is not planned

but it just happens.

That's an--

That's an "oops" baby.

What--

I didn't know Todd was an "oops" baby.

No, Todd was planned.

Wait, wait, this isn't where you tell me

that I got some brother or sister

floating around somewhere, is it?

No, you don't.

Not to my knowledge.

But then...

Oops.

You were an "oops" baby?

I was, too.

I was an "oops" baby?

Son, what the hell is the big deal?

So you weren't planned.

We raised you right and you turned out to be halfway decent.

Now, don't look at it like it's a bad thing.

A new baby is...

I know, I know. A new baby is a blessing.

No, I was gonna say it's a pain in the ass.

But I guess deep, deep down inside,

it's a blessing in disguise.

Well, aside from your father not wanting you,

I always liked your dad, Tony.

All right. So let's give up a toast.

Drink up and get the hell on out of here.

To bad fathers!

Or just beer.

I heard that, girl.

Yeah, that remains to be seen.

Ooh.

Uh, Rachel, let me call you right back.

I got a little pain in my side.

No, no. No, no, no, no.

I'm all right. I'm just--

Call you back in a minute, okay?

Tony, what is all that?

It's called embracing what you got.

Look, I'm sorry about how I initially reacted

when you told me about the kid

but I am so on board

with this new baby thing now.

I don't even care what sex it is,

as long as he's healthy and has nine or ten toes.

I realized that having a new baby

is not only a pain in the ass

but a blessing, and I'm truly blessed

to have a beautiful woman like you carrying my seed.

Aww.

Now, did you tell the kids yet?

No. They don't come home until tomorrow.

They gonna be so surprised. I can see 'em now.

They gonna be like, cool.

Then bury their heads

right back in their cell phones.

Probably.

Baby, um...

You know, I'm just-- I'm just so happy

that you're on board with me on this.

On board? Girl, I'm way ahead of you.

I'm even gonna start doing

the health kick thing with you, too, I'm on it.

You want me to get some abs?

I'll get some abs, girl.

How many you want? Six? Eight? 12?

I'm happy with the one you have.

All right, cool, I'm gonna get a couple more,

'cause I want to see all my kids grow up and grow old.

You ain't gonna be the only sexy mama in the grocery store.

Well, in my case, it'd be sexy papa,

but you know what I'm talking about.

Yeah, I gotcha, papa.

Girl, we should go celebrate.

Enough with the Crazy Crab, Tony.

None of that Crazy Crab.

You ain't eating like that no more.

We going to Salads for Less.

Oh. Okay, sounds good.

Save a little money, you know.

Ooh! Oh.

(wincing) You all right?

I don't know, I keep getting

this little pain in my side,

it's like a little twinge.

(groans) It's a little sharp.

Oh, no, that's not good. It's a little sharp.

Yeah, let me get you into the car,

we're gonna go to your doctor right now, come on.

Baby, could you please-- please stop pacing?

You're gonna burn a hole into the ground.

I'm nervous. I pace when I'm nervous.

Okay, please stop, though,

'cause you're making me more nervous.

Okay, okay, okay.

Okay, go back to the pacing.

Okay, look, I got to admit, I'm kinda scared.

Baby, don't be scared.

Well, when you was grabbing your side and everything,

I just-- I just want to make sure that you're okay

and that the baby's okay.

Come here.

As long as I have you, I'm gonna be fine, okay?

I just-- I really need you to calm down.

Okay. I'm--

I'm calm, I'm calm. (exhales)

Give it to us straight, Doc, is the baby okay?

Oh, well, you see, Mr. Stallworth--

Calm down, Mr. Stallworth, it's not that bad.

Not that bad? Tony, please, calm down.

Relax.

Doctor? Mm-hmm?

Am I gonna lose this baby?

No.

As a matter of fact, there's nothing to lose.

It's a kidney stone.

What? I don't-- I don't-- I don't--

I don't understand.

You're not pregnant, Mrs. Stallworth.

But after all we've been through in these past few days?

Oh, somebody's having a baby.

You're right.

Mrs. Anderson in the next room,

but as far as this room is concerned,

Mrs. Stallworth is not pregnant.

But the pregnancy test came out positive.

Well, I'm not pointing any fingers,

but the number-one cause of false positives is human error.

You took the test wrong, Mrs. Stallworth.

I was looking forward to having a new baby around the house.

Oh, well, I can prescribe fertility pills.

Whoa, pump your brakes, Doc.

Two kids are enough.

Um, Doctor, just out of curiosity,

what causes kidney stones?

Well, lots of times, it's caused

by a protein buildup in the system,

often from too much seafood.

Have you been eating a lot of seafood?

Um...

Hmm.

Baby, I have--

I have a little confession that I have to make.

I have been eating at the Crazy Crab the past few weeks.

You've been going without me?

It was a pregnancy craving.

Did you say the Crazy Crab? Mm-hmm.

Oh, that all-you-can eat

Dungeness crab is off the hook!

We should go sometime.

Hey, we can go right now.

Let me deliver this baby and I'll meet you there.

Oh, and save me a bib.

They're always running out of bibs.

I like her. She's nice.

Yeah.