Original subtitles

**

Hell, yeah, that's what I'm talking about.

All golden brown and stuff.

You like?

Hell, yeah, I like.

Now move out the way so I can finish watching

Chef Jeff bake these biscuits.

You need to take notes.

Well, I guess, I'm not delicious enough for you.

Girl, I'll heat your oven later.

Now I'm trying to watch these Cajun biscuits, look at 'em.

Mmm, mmm, mmm, all flaky and buttery.

What you doing--

(television turns off) Oh, damn, damn, damn!

I'm missing the money shot.

Chef Jeff was about to taste them biscuits.

My biscuits haven't been buttered all week, Tony.

You saying that your oven is already pre-heated

and we can just get down to the main course?

475 degrees and rising.

Oh, well, let's melt your butter, baby.

Way ahead of you.

Yeah, Chef Tony in the kitchen now.

Now what you got to say?

Two words, fire--

And desire.

(both chuckling)

* Woke up and my wife said to me *

* The bill collectors want their fee *

* Kids keep talking back to me *

* "Family Time"

* "Family Time," "Family Time" *

* "Family Time"

(woman) Pizza, no, it should be salad.

Chuck E. Cheese?

No, it should be salad. Pizza.

Everybody likes fish.

Hey, Todd, where's Tony?

In the car.

He's on my iPad trying to log onto Healthcare.gov,

hashtag "Obamacare."

You beat him that bad, huh?

No, no, it wasn't that bad.

Are you sure, baby.

You all right? I'm fine, I'm fine.

I just didn't know this fool was the third Williams sister.

Just a little smaller.

And light skinned.

Hashtag "not funny."

You know, I once considered going pro.

I wanted to be like Arthur Ashe.

Yeah, more like Arthur "Ashy".

Babe, come over here and sit down.

Let me get you some ice.

You're sweating.

You need to get him a plastic surgeon

so you can fix that funny looking face.

Or a coffin for the fat, dead body.

(all laughing)

(mocking laughter)

Speaking of death.

What you zombies doing in my kitchen?

Party arguing. Arguing about what?

Lori's annual birthday dinner.

Oh, that's right, girl.

You look good to be pushing 75.

Okay, shut up, John "Blackenroe."

Okay, I'm an expert at problem solving.

What seems to be your bone of contention?

We just can't agree on a main course.

Oh, that's easy.

I vote, uh... Cajun biscuits, um-hmm.

I got a recipe and everything.

Biscuits, we're not on welfare.

We can afford to serve real food.

And it's Lori's 40th so we need a menu that's special--

Special.

And chic and regal, just like her.

Like me.

I don't know about regal, more like beagle.

In which case, we should call in, uh, Shaggy

and have him make some Scooby snacks.

Oh, no, you better watch...

Keep it on track, keep it on track, let's keep it--

(mimicking Scooby-Doo)

It's okay.

How many people are we expecting?

Mmm, well, that depends on if Lori's gonna bring

her new boyfriend tomorrow night or not, huh, hashtag "no stag."

Can we finally meet this mystery guy you've been dating,

for what, three months?

Mmm, what you got you a new boyfriend?

Girl, how you pull that off?

Is he inflatable?

Careful, "Martony" Navratilova is still healing.

I'm really not sure if I'm coming solo or not.

I mean, he might have plans for that evening.

Must've got you one of them old players.

What, he might have a conflict with Bingo night or something?

Older men are sexy. Thank you.

What? Girl, I ain't that much older than you.

Who you've been looking at?

I notice you been giving my daddy them extra long hugs.

Eww. Actually, he is not older.

He is a bit younger.

Ooh, I heard that, "Cougar Town."

It's more like saber-tooth tiger town.

Just bring him, girl.

Yeah, tell him he can bring his dog, too.

How'd you know he had a doggie?

Dating you, he gotta be blind, right?

Okay, you know what?

Gonna stop you, I'm gonna finish

what the devil started.

Come on...

(overlapping chatter)

**

(man on TV) ...Middle, and I'm gonna dump in some...

There you go, Chef Jeff.

Here it is, baby.

Mmm-mmm, them biscuits look good, right?

Right, right, combine baking mix, mustard powder,

cracked pepper, did that.

(chuckling)

Uh-huh, sprinkle a little cayenne pepper,

a little garlic salt, man, did that too, brother.

I am way ahead of you.

I already have a batch of Chef Tony's Cajun biscuits

cooking right now, this gonna be--

(phone ringing)

Uh-Huh? Pause this.

(phone ringing)

Yo.

Oh, what up, Donnie, what's going on?

What-- yeah,

I'm kind of in the middle of something right now.

What--

No, I do not want to go with you to Vegas with some

little strange woman, I'm married, bro, what--

Oh, you're in Vegas.

Oh, have a good time.

Well, yeah, yeah.

What... (chuckling)

Man, nobody told you to bring

no 60-year-old woman out to Vegas, that's your fault.

I don't care how young she acts, bro.

But-- You lost how much money?

Playing penny slots?

You a fool.

No, I ain't gonna send you no money.

Man, you still haven't paid me back the money

you borrowed last time.

Why don't you borrow some money

from your new girlfriend's pension? Bye.

He's crazy.

(phone ringing)

Man, I'm not gonna send you no money, bro, stop calling--

Oh, oh, hey, Mom. No, no, it's me.

No, I thought it was some bill collectors.

They be blowing me up, you know, what it is.

What's going on?

Yes, I will pass on your gift along to Lori.

Yes, Mama, I will make sure Lisa doesn't wear it first.

Oh, oh, can you tell Devin that just because him and Ebony

are spending the weekend with you and Dad,

he is still cleaning out the garage when he gets home.

I'm not hard on that boy.

Okay, Mama, love you, too.

All right, bye.

All right, Chef Jeff, lay it on me, my brother.

Puts the biscuits in the oven, yeah, yeah.

(Chef Jeff) We'll see what happens.

(high-pitched beep) What's that sound?

(sniffing) What's that smell?

Oh, my...

(muttering)

Oh, no, no, no, no, not my biscuits.

Tony, what in the hell's going on in here?

You set the alarm off.

Well, since a certain wife of mine refused

to make her loving husband some Cajun biscuits,

I decided to make 'em myself.

(coughing) And you burned them, of course.

No, no, no, no, correction, blackened, fire.

You wanna open the door, man, let some of this smoke out.

The guests will be here any minute.

(doorbell ringing)

Okay, spoke too soon.

You get the door, Wolfgang "Punk",

and I'll handle this.

(coughing)

Eight, Anthony, eight.

Eight what?

Oh, I'm sorry, I thought you asked how many people

my new luxury, hybrid SUV could seat.

And the answer is eight... comfortably.

(chuckling)

I picked it up today.

Well, only a white woman's credit can afford that,

so I know you ain't paying for it.

Okay, I plead the fifth.

Yes, it's in my name, 740.

Vivian...

What, you know I can't lie under pressure.

Oh. (sighing)

What's up, Heavy D?

Did you eat "the Boyz?"

And what is this smell, worse and worse every time I see you.

Girl, I wasn't even expecting you today.

Ain't RuPaul gonna miss his stand-in?

And those are them Cajun biscuits that Lisa burnt.

But don't tell her about it, though,

she gets embarrassed by that type of thing.

Anthony, do you have an Orangina?

No, but I have regular drinks.

I'll go down to the man cave and grab some.

You guys sit down and--

And whatever, just sit down and relax.

(knocking on door)

Oh, hey, Lori.

Oh, I'm disappointed, you didn't bring your boyfriend.

I did, he's parking the car.

Birthday girl didn't bring her man.

I did!

But before he comes in

I think there's something you all should know.

What is it?

I mean, I'm sure if you like him, we'll love him.

You sure? Yeah.

(knocking on door)

Oh, that's him.

Okay, family, please welcome, my date--

Billy?

How have you been, Lisa?

(thudding to floor)

**

**

Sorry about that.

Plate's a little-- It's a little hot.

It's a salad.

Um, Billy.

It's been a long time.

Well, it's been a long time since I went by Billy.

I go by my given name, William.

You guys know each other?

Oh, we've, uh-- we've met.

Yeah, Lori, uh, I-- I could use a little help

with the hors d'oeuvres in the kitchen.

Yeah, yeah, I could and you're gonna help me.

That's what you're gonna do.

Rachel, come along, thank you.

You know, I-- I could help too, Lisa.

Stay out of it, Vivian.

So, William. (chuckling).

Did you see my SUV?

It seats eight comfortably.

Okay.

Okay, Lisa, I know what you're gonna say.

I don't, somebody wanna fill me in?

Lori, have you lost your damn mind?

Okay, that's not exactly what I thought you were gonna say.

A hint, a clue, anything.

Remember that summer you studying abroad in Spain?

Uh, there were a few, but what's your point?

That's when I was dating Billy.

William. Oh.

Well, he was Billy when I dated him back then, dammit.

Ooh, this is getting ugly, Jerry Springer ugly.

I'm going back in the other room.

Sit down.

How dare you go and date my--

Date?

Well, Lori, did you little date come?

Yes, he did, thank you.

He's sitting in the living room.

Uh, I better go get some shots in him, ease the pain.

What pain?

He's gotta go home with you tonight, right?

Or, if he gets too drunk,

he can just stay over here, right Lisa?

Baby, uh, can you go and check on our guests.

See if they need any drinks?

Okay, sure, sure, sure, sure.

Oh, Lori, all jokes aside.

I'm happy for you, I'm sure he's a great guy.

Thanks, peanut head.

Great guy. You are really tripping.

You know what, I gotta side with Lisa on this one.

I mean, how you just gonna bring her ex up in here?

This is something that just happened.

We didn't plan this.

We ran into each other one dark, starlit night

and one thing led to another and you know how it is with--

Okay, what do you care anyway 'cause you'r married?

Okay, okay, let's just back it up a second.

How serious was your and William's relationship?

Billy. William.

Okay, um, I don't give a damn.

I just wanna know how serious it was.

Well, apparently it wasn't serious enough

since my sister feels the need to go and date him.

Oh, apparently not serious enough

since your other sister never even heard of him.

I was abroad.

Okay, look, it was a long time ago.

And why can't you ever just be happy for me?

I was happy for you at your wedding to the Neanderthal.

You know what, it was a long time ago.

What-- what happened to you siding with me?

She-- she got a point.

Fine, you know what, I will roll with it.

But Tony... Tony cannot find out.

Why not?

As I recollect...

...you and Tony were broken up

while you and William dated in college.

Okay, we just don't talk about our exes.

Don't ask me no questions.

Okay, fine, fine, that's fair.

Now can we go celebrate my birthday dinner?

Yeah, and if we don't eat all the food,

then you can just take Lisa's leftovers home... again.

(snickering)

**

Will, where you from, brother?

Actually, I grew up not too far from here.

And what line of work are you in, William?

International oil, but I wouldn't call it work.

I just collect a bunch of money

owning oil fields all over the world.

Ooh-whee, this negro is winning.

So how did you and Lori meet?

Uh, through a mutual friend.

Actually, we've known each other for quite some time.

Oh, that's very good that you were friends first.

I think that friendship is a great foundation

for a relationship.

Yes, Todd and I were friends for years

before we started dating.

And he always kept asking me out,

and I always kept saying no.

And then I finally wore her down.

(both chuckling)

Well, I wore Lisa out.

You know what I'm talking about, brother?

(chuckling)

You know, I think the reason why me and Lisa's marriage works

is that I didn't have to force her to marry me.

Yeah, Tony, that's right, because, uh, Lisa definitely

had her pick of the crop regarding who to marry.

And for some reason, she chose you.

Who else was there?

Anybody want cake?

Ooh, I'd like some cake.

No-no-no, Lisa, let's stay at the topic at hand.

You could've put me up against all the brothers out there,

and they all would've looked like suckers

compared to your boy.

Well, I wouldn't say suckers, exactly.

Well, what would you say?

I know what I'd say.

I'd say Lisa got the best of the best,

and to hell with the rest.

I hear that, Tony.

You seem like a great guy.

Lisa obviously got good taste.

Nobody wants cake?

No, no, nobody wants cake, okay,

so why don't we just skip to the gifts?

That's a good idea. Yeah.

I'll go first.

Baby.

Happy birthday.

Okay...

Oh, my gosh.

Two tickets to Saint-Tropez.

Now, I've been a whole lot of places,

but baby, I have never been to France.

Oh...

Lisa has always been bugging me about going to France.

Lisa, haven't you always wanted to go to France?

Yup, but no one's ever taken me.

Baby, first class.

Merci...

merci... Ooh.

... beaucoup.

All right, all right.

Yeah... I think it's time for cake.

I'm gonna get the cake.

Is it white cake?

**

Hey, Lisa.

Billy.

Or-- excuse me, uh, William.

Did I notice some tension out there?

Look, because if you're not comfortable with this--

Comfortable, who's not comfortable?

I'm comfortable.

Totally, totally comfortable.

As a matter of fact, I've never been so comfortable

in my entire life.

Look, it's understandable if you feel a little awkward.

Or jealous?

(scoffs) In your dreams.

Yes.

Yes, what?

In my dreams.

That's what I see in my dreams.

Excuse me?

Look, I've missed you.

In fact, I was hoping that you seeing me with your sister

would spark that in you, as well.

I'm married, Billy, are you crazy?

Yeah.

Crazy about you.

You must be out your mind.

Got to be!

**

**

Girl, why are you pulling me in here.

Enough of your dirty laundry is airing out there.

Shut up and close the door.

I gotta tell you something.

What?

Billy tried to kiss me.

Yeah, I know, you guys dated.

I'm assuming he tried to do more than that.

No, I'm not talking about when we dated.

I'm talking about five minutes ago in the kitchen.

Ew, Sis, you nasty.

Why would you kiss Lori's boyfriend?

He kissed me, okay,

in his punk-ass attempt to try to get me back.

Lori's gonna be devastated when she finds out.

And Billy's gonna be castrated when Tony finds out.

But no, we gotta tell her, though.

Okay, you're right, you're right.

But you know what, let's-- let's not mess up her birthday.

Let's-- let's tell her tomorrow.

You're right, okay, yeah.

We gotta-- we gotta break it to her gently.

Yeah.

You, uh... you slightly enjoying this, ain't you?

No. Uh-huh.

I mean, it is good to know a sister still got it.

Yeah, I see you, sister. Hey, hey.

Okay, but really, we gotta--

we just gotta relax and keep it calm.

Okay. Just act normal-- ooh!

What y'all doing in here?

Hey, Tony, just, you know,

doing some laundry, that's all.

Yes, little bit of laundry. Laundry.

On your sister's birthday dinner?

Well, you know, you're always telling me to keep on top

of the housework, Tony.

Drawers ain't gonna clean themselves.

Yeah, true that, true that, way to multi-task.

Hey, you know, your boy Williams, he's a'ight.

My boy, that's Lori's boy.

My boy-- let's go get some cake.

Yeah, I got this, I'll finish up in here, uh...

(door closing)

(applause)

Okay, so now that we've got

the birthday song out of the way,

it's time for you to make a wish.

You know, I like the Stevie Wonder version better.

It has more soul.

Do you like white anything?

well, I like white chocolate.

Okay, no more drinks for Vivian.

Do not talk to my wife that way, Anthony.

I'm your white chocolate, right?

Um-hmm. Okay.

Okay, enough, enough jungle fever, blow out the candle.

Yay.

So what did you wish for?

Okay, you guys are not gonna believe this one

but since I've met William,

I actually wished to get married...

Have kids and live in a nice home.

Oh, you want what Lisa has.

Okay, I'm gonna-- I'm gonna cut the cake.

I'd like to propose a toast.

Oh.

To love. To love.

There's only one true happiness in this life.

And it's to love and to be loved.

I hope everyone in this room found love.

I know that I have.

Hmm.

And when you love someone, I mean truly, truly love them,

Mmm.

It never fails. Mmm-mmm-mmm.

Cheers. Cheers.

(all) Cheers.

alud.S

Those were very beautiful words, William.

You know, life is funny.

You date a woman, it doesn't work out,

you end up dating her sister.

Hmm.

Her sister?

Wait, wait, uh, do you wanna rewind that, bro?

Okay, um, Tony, Tony, I, uh...

I need to tell you something, okay?

Years ago... Uh-hmm.

Many, many, many, many years ago,

William used to date--

Me, me.

What?

Girl, aren't you a lesbian?

It took a few mistakes to realize

that men just weren't my thing.

What are you talking about?

Look, uh, look here, "Billiam."

You may wanna roll with me if you know

what's good for you, all right?

So Willie here, he's just a little embarrassed because

he's actually the reason that I was turned off

from men altogether.

(chuckling)

Wow, what did you do, bro?

I don't know what she's talking about.

Rachel and I never--

Okay, I-- I'd like to propose a toast.

All right.

To Lori.

It's your birthday

and you're my sister and I love you.

And you deserve the best.

And you deserve a man that will make you happy.

(Rachel) Yes.

And treat you right. Mm-hmm.

Cheers.

ostrovia.N Cheers.

Um-hmm.

And I'm so glad I've found that in... William.

Glad you did, we were starting to get worried.

She had crossed on over to my community.

You know what I'm talking about?

Hey, Lori, I, I gotta tell you something.

I don't wanna hear it. I gotta tell you something.

You need to tell her.

When I was in the kitchen earlier,

William came in and he tried to kiss--

Me. Me, me again, um...

Yeah, he tried to kiss me and told me that he still

had feelings for me, Lori, and that the only reason

he came here with you tonight was to make me jealous.

I'm sorry, Sis.

Um-hmm, yeah, yeah, you know,

I'm not understanding any of this.

This is crazy to me, can someone explain?

Lori, William is not who you think he is, okay?

You gotta trust me on this one.

And I honestly, I honestly think

that it's time for him to go.

Yo-- I think you should leave now.

Wait, wait a minute.

You, you tried to kiss your girl's sister

on your girl's birthday?

Yeah, bro, you need to kick rocks.

So I'm being ridiculed for trying to speak the truth?

You about to be riddled with an ass-whooping

if you don't get up out of my house.

And you lucky you didn't hit on the other sister.

Or it'd be an episode of CSI Windsor Hills up in here.

Punch jump up to get beat down, buddy.

No, no violence, Todd or I'm taking back the SUV.

You're lucky, buster.

Look, I see what this is.

A bunch of immature adults who aren't in touch

with their true feelings and emotions.

You know what, I'll leave.

I got a wife and kid in Atlanta anyway.

What?! Deuces.

(clamoring)

**

**

I really liked William's wallet.

Why are rich men such dogs?

Well, you know, it's not too late for you to switch sides.

Nah, women are worse.

Fair enough, but they're so soft and sexy, mmm!

I'm sorry, Lori.

I was mad at you earlier.

But I meant everything I said about wanting you to be happy.

Oh, sweetie, thank you, you know that means a lot to me.

And you should trust my judgment better.

You know somebody is no good if I already dumped him.

Good point, but by that logic, uh,

you should've dumped Tony a long time ago.

Hello. Okay, stop hating on my man.

I am the only one at this table

that's happily married with children.

Oh, by the way,

you know, Sean Worthington just made junior partner.

Can I get his number?

My ex? My ex?

Your ex? Your ex?

**

Ooh, I'm glad that's over.

Your sisters are a hot mess.

Tony, don't make fun of my sisters now.

You make fun of my brother.

I do not, you do.

Yeah, that's true.

He makes it so easy, though with his...

(mock chuckling)

Boy, you crazy.

Yeah, I guess I am.

It is kind of funny, when you were saying that,

that William kissed your sister,

at first I thought you were about to say that he kissed you.

(both laughing)

Oh, that's so funny.

What if it was me?

Uh, if it was you, he'd be trying to pull

his head out of his neck.

Oh, wow, like that?

Yeah.

I'm glad I didn't tell you when he was here, but, um,

it was me he tried to kiss.

Say what?

Yeah, William never dated Rachel, he used to date--

You? Oh, hell, no.

Tony, Tony, get back in the bed.

Oh, no, it's about to be "Boyz n the Hood" up in these streets.

You call Tre and Ricky, I'm gonna call Doughboy.

We ridin' tonight! Stop it, come on, Tony.

He's long gone.

He ain't even thinking about me no more.

Um-hmm, no. Stop acting ignant!

**