Original subtitles

**

Come on. This way.

Where? You're good.

What are we doing?

Are their handcuffs involved in this?

Should I call in late for work?

Oh! You wanna do it on the table?

No, we can't do that, the kids eat on it

Just sit down, okay?

It's for my culinary class.

Oh, okay.

Now, open wide.

Hmm. Oh! Ooh! That's good!

Mmm. Do I detect...

a hint of vanilla extract? Hmm? Hmm?

A flutter of oregano?

It's an eggroll, Tony.

Damn good one. What else you got?

Uh, ooh. Ooh, ooh, ooh.

Try this. Here we go.

Mmm! I know what that is. That's spinach dip.

It's hummus, Tony.

That's what I said. Hummus this tastes like spinach dip?

See the wordplay I did there?

Hummus, how much?

Come on, you can work with a brother here.

Can I take this blindfold off now, please?

Fine.

You're no fun.

I'm saying this little cooking class thing is gonna be all right.

What else do they offer at that school?

Housekeeping 101?

Intro to Ironing?

Do they offer a doctorate in dishwashing?

You know, I don't know,

but they do offer advanced celibacy.

Cooking's cool. Cooking's cool.

* Woke up and my wife said to me *

* The bill collectors want their fee *

* The kids keep talking back to me *

* Family Time

* Family time, Family Time

* Family Time

**

(sniffing)

Yo, it smells like cake in here.

I got dibs on licking the bowl.

Uh-uh, my brother. You got to get your own.

Look, you get your own one,

then you call dibs on licking the bowl.

I actually do got my own woman at school.

Okay. Well, I suggest you get her to bake you something

in her little Easy-Bake Oven.

Tony! What?

He started it.

Mom, I need to talk to you about

this whole "you going back to school" thing.

What happened to being a stay-at-home mom?

I know you want a career,

but who's gonna take care of me?

Uh, well, I wonder what happened

to the good old days when kids would clean their rooms

and listen to their parents

and play with their friends.

That's kind of what I wonder.

But okay. You want me to take care of you.

Where's your homework? Let me see that. How about that?

See, that's my point.

You don't have time to be worried about my homework.

You should be focusing on your career.

Mmm.

That spinach dip looks bomb.

(crunching)

Tony! Hmm?

That's your son.

(telephone rings)

Hello.

Oh! What's up, Uncle John? What's happening, baby?

Oh, you in town?

Well, you better come on by.

Yeah! I mean, we'd love to have you.

That's right. Well, bring your appetite.

Okay, we'll see you later.

Who was that?

You remember my godparents, Gladys and Uncle John.

Yeah, they're in town, so I told them to swing by for dinner.

Oh, let me guess.

You expect me to cook this dinner.

Absolutely.

I ain't paying for culinary school for you to cook less.

Besides, this'll give you a chance to cook, you know,

for an unbiased audience.

People in this house will tell you whatever you want to hear.

Hey, guys. Hello.

That's disgusting.

It's amazing how much she looks like you.

Mmm. Smells so good.

Baby, can you just put that on the table right here?

All right. (doorbell rings)

Tony! Hey!

You look good, boy!

Hey, don't he look good, Gladys?

Oh! Ha!

All handsome, all grown-up!

Oh! There's my beautiful niece.

Hi, Aunt Gladys.

Hey, kids! Your aunt and uncle are here!

Come on down and say hi!

Who are these big kids?

That can't be Darren and Ebony.

It's Devin.

How you doing, Uncle John?

Hi, Aunt Gladys. Hi, baby.

Get over here and give your aunty a nice big hug.

Oh, so good to see everybody.

Yeah, it's gonna be even better after we eat.

Who's hungry?

Oh, Lisa, you did your thing in the kitchen, girl.

Thank you, Uncle John. There's plenty more.

Anybody want seconds?

Oh, no, no, no.

I ate way more than I should have.

Oh, no worries.

He'll work it off later.

Hope you mean by taking a leisurely stroll.

Yeah, something like that.

Well, Uncle John,

I've been patient long enough.

What'd you bring us? Devin.

Oh, no, no, David's right.

He knows we always bring the kids a little souvenir

from our many, many travels.

(laughs) We got this one for you, Ebony.

Aw!

(whispering) She looks dead.

Ebony, the proper response is "Thank you."

Thank you, Aunt Gladys...

for my creepy-looking doll that I will never play with.

And, Devante...

It's Devin!

You're into semantics?

Well, since you're a smart young man,

we brought you a mind twister.

Little something new on the market.

Wow.

This is what I've always wanted.

A square with more squares on it.

It's a Rubik's Cube. You know, a puzzle.

You have to make all the sides the same color.

That's no puzzle. That's easy.

I can bust this out right now.

So, where are you guys staying?

Well, we were gonna stay with your parents,

but they went fishing for the weekend.

Oh, that's right.

And we were gonna stay at the hotel down the street,

but they're all booked up.

Must be some kind of convention in town.

Oh. All the hotels? Mm-hmm.

Even the motels?

Motel? No.

Lisa, Lisa, wait. You know what?

I forgot. I got to show you something in the kitchen.

Would you please excuse us?

He probably just wants to tell me how good dinner was.

Listen, I love my godparents to death,

but they cannot stay here.

Why? I mean, we have a guest bedroom.

Let's just finish the evening and let them go.

Oh-- No, no, no, no buts, no buts.

Trust your man on this one.

That doesn't make any sense.

We need to get on so we can get up on that road, girl.

Well, that's a six-hour drive.

Oh, no, don't worry about us.

We'll be all right. Ha ha.

As long as John's narcolepsy doesn't kick in.

(snoring)

Oh. I'm up. I'm up.

No. This is just silly, okay?

We have an extra bedroom upstairs.

We would love it if you'd just stay with us a night or two.

Lisa, what the-- Fantastic idea.

(laughs)

That sounds great. Thank you.

(laughs nervously)

**

See, Tony? They are already gone.

I don't know what you were so worried about.

Five, four, three, two, one.

Tony! Lisa! What are you kids up to?

You gotta learn to trust your man.

Uncle John, we thought you'd already left.

No, no.

Gladys and I never get a chance to really see you and the kids.

So we figured we'd put that guest bedroom to good use

and stick around for a few days.

What is that, a California King up in there?

No, no, no, that's a regular King.

Is that my rob you have on? Oh. Yeah.

If that's a problem, I can take it off.

No, no! Please!

No, no. Uncle John, it is fine, okay?

Tony has plenty of robes.

But, Lisa, that's my favorite robe.

Um, uh, uh, are those my swim trunks?

Tony, you got to learn to live a little bit.

You can't just be coming home

worrying about who's wearing your swimming trunks.

Why don't you kids join me in the Jacuzzi?

Uh, you know what? I will take a rain check.

I gotta cook dinner.

No need, Lisa. No need.

I brought Chinese!

But I have to practice cooking for my cooking class.

Oh, well, I'm sorry, but I thought the kids--

Kids!

I thought the kids would like something

a little different for a change.

Oh. Speaking of kids, what are you two wearing?

Momma, help me.

I look like the black Wednesday Adams.

Exactly!

Ha ha! Don't they look adorable?

Oh, and look at my little Devin.

Oh, give your aunty some sugar.

Mwah!

Well, Wednesday, why don't you come help me

bake this cake for cooking class?

(laughs) Come on, boo.

You trying to get my kid beat up at school?

Where do you even find something like that?

And why's he wearing my swim trunks?

Oh, honey, don't worry. He won't be using those.

Oh!

**

Hey, Tony. Huh?!

(sighs) What are you so jumpy about?

I thought you were them.

Tony, you know, I was thinking--

Don't try it. Don't you even try it, Lisa.

I warned you. Didn't I warn you?

But no. You had to give them the guest bedroom.

Now guess what, Randy Jackson, now they in it to win it.

Well, you know it's just temporary.

They'll go home eventually.

We don't even know that they have a home.

They're like cancer. They metastasize.

Soon they're gonna spread to the master bedroom

and slip their names onto the deed.

Don't you think you're overreacting just a little bit?

No.

(water bubbling)

What? Wait a minute. What is that noise?

I know that's not what I think it is at this hour.

Oh. Tony, Tony you gotta say something to them.

You know we got white neighbors.

I know y'all ain't in the Jacuzzi at this hour.

Not yet. We waited for them bubbles to warm up.

Y'all want to get in with us?

No. We have neighbors.

Neighbors that you need to get to know.

The Johnsons from next door gave us

this cheese and crackers to go with the champagne.

Wait. Where'd you get that champagne?

From your wine cabinet.

That is a $300 bottle of champagne

that I was saving for a special occasion!

Isn't tonight a special occasion?

How often do you get to spend quality time with your godparents?

Tony, you need to learn to enjoy your life.

Use your amenities.

That Jacuzzi had cobwebs all over it.

John's right! Now slip on out of that.

Come on and jump on in with us.

Enjoy some of this delicious coconut cake.

Lisa, girl, you put your foot up in this one.

Oh, no.

You did not eat my coconut cake!

Not all of it. We saved some for y'all.

But that was for my class.

You bake this good,

you need to be teaching that class.

Still think I'm overreacting?

I'm good.

**

Come on in here, woman, close the door.

This ain't the time to get nasty.

We got our own room for that.

Why are we meeting in Devin's room?

'Cause they won't look for us in here.

Now all they do is talk, talk and more talk.

I'm tired of talking.

I wanna go back to where it's my house where I can watch TV,

where I'm the king of the remote.

Oh, trust me, I know.

I had to tell my teacher that my godparents ate my homework.

Luckily, he's never heard that excuse before,

so he's letting me redo it.

(door opening)

Get in here, close the door.

Come on, come on, come on.

Y'all two hiding out in my bedroom?

We need to talk.

Yeah, that's right. It's time for a family meeting.

You two, sit down.

Now obviously, there is no secret that...

we have a problem.

I mean, look at how we're dressed.

Yeah, but that's-- But nothing.

When you're under my roof, you follow my rules.

I talk, you listen.

I mean, well, it's your roof.

But they gotta go!

Okay, now just calm down.

Tony, you gotta handle this.

What? I'm the one that told you

that they shouldn't be here in the first place.

You didn't tell me they were gonna take over the whole house.

Hey, it doesn't matter who did what when.

We have a problem, and, Dad, you need to man up.

It's simple.

Tell 'em they need to kick rocks and kiss them goodbye.

Oh, no, no, no.

Kiss-- I ain't doing no more kissing.

Her moustache tickles.

Okay, okay, look, I get it.

I'm gonna have to do what I have to do and handle it

like I handle everything around here, hmm.

Show y'all how to do this.

Uh, y'all coming with me, right?

(TV playing)

Uh, Uncle John?

Hey, there's my family. Ha ha.

You know, when I had my triple bypass,

it was y'all that made life worth living again.

So, hey,

how's that Rubik's Cube coming along, d'Artagnan?

d'Artagnan? Really?

Now that's just disrespectful.

Hey, Tony, you need to upgrade your cable.

You don't have any of the premium channels.

No, no, but I get "GetFlix."

Yeah, they got some good movies on there.

They got this one called "House Guests From Hell."

Have you seen it? No, what's that about?

It's a horror film about a happy, happy household

who gets taken over by houseguests

who can't take a hint.

Wow, that sounds good. Let's watch it.

Actually, it's on right now.

Uh, Dad, didn't you have something else to say?

Yeah, Pops, he gave you the perfect segue.

Tony, something you wanted to say?

Hey, you know, you can talk to me, tell me anything.

Come on, you're-- you're like the son I never had.

Hmm.

Yeah, um... (clearing throat)

Well, uh, it's like this. Um...

Lisa, what was it I was gonna say?

Um, Ebony, what was it?

I don't believe this.

Watch your mouth, d'Artagnan.

John, we've done it again.

We've done what again?

Overstayed our welcome.

I told you we should've left.

No, don't be ridiculous.

This is family. They don't want us to leave, right?

See? See? Oh!

I am so embarrassed.

I don't see how you are so clueless to the fact

that these young people, they just want their house back.

No, no, now, see, it's not quite like that.

Well, then you say I'm the clueless one.

But the only time you ever pay me any attention

is when we're in somebody else's house.

Well, maybe if you didn't stay out

till all hours of the night working late,

I would have someone to pay attention to at home.

Are you gonna get into this again?

Well, maybe if I had a clean home to come home to,

I wouldn't be out working late.

Well, don't you worry, you don't ever have to come home to me.

I'm done.

Uh, you know what?

Maybe we should let you guys have some time alone--

Sit down!

Comfortable chair.

What do you mean, done?

Just what I said.

Lisa, Tony, your uncle will be leaving.

And if you don't mind, I'd like to stay here for a while

until I figure out what to do with the rest of my life.

And how long is that gonna be?

What?

**

I am really sorry about this whole thing.

Honestly, if Tony and I would have

just been honest from the beginning,

this wouldn't have gotten out of hand.

No, no, no, what was said needed to be said.

I've been feeling like this for a long time.

Really?

But you and Uncle John always seemed so happy.

Seem is the operative word.

We've been fronting for years.

Now I've got a chance to live.

Wow. What is it you really wanna do?

I wanna see the world.

He wants to sit around the house.

Or other people's houses.

Uh, I didn't mean that as an insult.

I was just, uh, just stating the facts.

Hmm.

Well, you're absolutely right.

So I've made a decision.

I'm gonna go on that cruise, but I'm going by myself.

But what about Uncle John?

His alimony will be paying for it.

**

(blues music playing)

The most you should ever spend on a woman in a bar is $25.

Tip included.

I knew I'd find you here.

Hey, Tony, my man.

Barkeep, give my godson here whatever he's drinking.

No, it's all right, I just came to, uh--

To take me home.

I know what you're up to, and it's not gonna work.

It's over between me and that woman.

Uncle John, you guys have been married 40 years.

Doesn't that count for something?

Yeah, well, when you get there, call me.

We'll talk about it.

You know, never thought about it like that.

Hmm, makes me wanna rethink my own situation.

The same woman for 40 years. Whoo!

Maybe I should send Lisa

on that singles cruise with Aunt Gladys.

What singles cruise is that?

You know, the one with all them young single brothers

and them older, cougar women.

She didn't get her pension yet, has she?

Anyway, she's booking it right now.

She been talking about going on a cruise for ten years.

Them things ain't cheap.

Oh, what you worried about it for? You a free man now.

Matter of fact, we at the strip club after this.

Could I get a couple of shots, barkeep?

And we gonna need some singles, a whole lot of them.

I'm thirsty now.

You know what I mean?

Hook a brother up.

Whatever he's drinking.

**

Now, Aunt Gladys, are you sure you wanna do this?

Oh, I'm sure.

I should've done it a long time ago.

(door opening)

So, you're going on a singles cruise, huh?

Damn, Tony, you can't hold water.

No, no, Lisa, that's all right.

He needed to hear that.

What's the matter, John?

Aren't you going to be too busy working late

to care about where I'm going?

Look, I didn't come here to get into an argument with you.

I came here to tell you that--

Well...

If you're going on a singles cruise,

then I'm going on a singles cruise, too.

Well, fine. Well, fine.

May I, uh, make a suggestion here?

Now, since you two are both going on cruises,

maybe it'll be cheaper if you, you know, buy a room together.

Yeah, you don't even have to like each other.

It'll just save you a little bit of money.

Yeah, as a matter of fact, we will pay for it.

We will? I mean, of course, we will.

You know what?

Just as long as it's a cruise that leaves in the morning.

That's-- that's not a bad idea.

We'll pay you back as soon as we come back for a visit.

No, no, consider it a gift.

Well, I guess I put up with you for this long, I guess...

bunking with you on a cruise ship is not the worst.

Are those suitcases? Are y'all leaving?

Yeah, Devin, your aunt and I are hitting the road.

Or, should I say, the high seas?

Oh, so soon?

We gotta go, but we'll keep in touch.

Now come over here, give your auntie a big hug.

(chuckling) Oh.

Now, Aunt Gladys, I've been eating onions.

Boy, don't you be silly.

Get over here and give your auntie some sugar.

(kissing)

**

I baked them cakes, baby, ay-ay.

I baked them cakes, baby, ay-ay.

Why are you in such a good mood?

Whoo! Guess who got an A-plus on her cake?

Wait a minute. When did you have time to bake another cake?

Oh, I didn't, the bakery did.

And you know what? They did so well,

I got put into the advanced class. Okay!

Well, do they have a class to figure out this stupid thing?

As long as we figured out how to get them to leave,

we won.

Boy, let me see that.

Okay.

Let me just do this.

And that.

Duh, easy.

Now, does the D in your name stand for Devin or dummy?

Man, dummy's not as bad as d'Artagnan.

It is true.