Original subtitles

Oh, good Lord, woman, what the hell is that on your face?

It's an Avogena neutral blemish face mask.

Avogena?

More like Avatar.

Whatever, Tony.

It was 40 bucks a bottle,

and it's supposed to make you look younger.

I'll give you 50 just to take it off.

Uh!

Please, I know you ain't talking, Edward Scissor-toes.

What are those? Talons?

You need to get a pedicure before we go on vacation.

Yeah, what's up with all them shopping bags?

You buying all the souvenirs before we go?

You can't spend all the money before we get there, shopaholic.

Or lose it, no-card stud.

What?

Every Friday night you play poker,

and every Saturday morning you're just a little bit broker.

Oh, you're a little poet now?

Look, look, look, that's just what dudes do, okay?

Can't you find something else to do, like watch sports or--

I don't know, something--

at least until we go on vacation.

Gambling has never led to anything good.

Woman, I bought this damn house playing the lottery.

Okay, well-played.

I don't really have a comeback for that.

But the point is,

either we're going on vacation, or we're going on vacation.

Yeah.

Ow!

Damn, Tony!

Now I'm gonna have to get a tetanus shot.

My bad.

* Woke up and my wife said to me *

* The bill collectors want their fee *

* The kids keep talking back to me *

* Family Time

* Family time, Family Time

* Family Time

*

Lisa talking about, "I don't want you playing poker."

Hmph! I'm a man.

I'm the man of this house.

I make the rules.

I wear the ultra-cotton boxing briefs around here.

(cell phone rings)

Hey, baby.

Yeah, I was just about to turn on the game,

since you made me cancel poker.

Where are you at?

I'm on my way.

Girl, a chip trip do not take that long.

What-- did you make a detour to one of them shopping outlets?

You-- you know what?

When we get back from vacation, you're going to shopping rehab.

Okay, now since you wanna be specific

and know my every little move,

I was actually dropping off your dry-cleaning

and picking up lunch for your children.

Always with the excuses.

Did you get the chips?

Yes.

Did you get the right kind?

'Cause you know you don't be listening to me.

Rippled, hickory and mesquite.

Now with 33 percent more--

(tires squealing)

Oh!

Baby, what was that?

Uh... uh, uh, insurance commercial on the radio, baby.

I-- I gotta go, I gotta go.

She'll be all right.

(man) What the hell?

I am so sorry.

Are you okay?

It's okay, sweetheart.

It's okay, just calm down, I'm fine.

I'm not hurt.

You're all right, you're not hurt?

Oh, God, I'm so sorry.

Okay, now, everything good?

Oh...

Finally.

You could say thank you.

You're right, you're right, my bad.

But what took so long?

I thought I was going to have to break out

the kids' Go-Gurt and string cheese.

I was in traffic, Tony.

What, what, what's this?

What's this?

You must've been hungry in traffic or something.

Why are they all broken up and crushed?

What's happening?

Is that-- is that an earring?

Girl, is that blood?

Where are the cookies?

Did-- did you forget the cookies?

Give-- give me the keys, I'll go get 'em.

My car's out of gas.

Uh-- uh, no, no, don't worry about it.

I-- I'll go get a new bag of chips and some cookies,

and I'll bring them down when I get back.

No, no, no, no, no problem, don't worry yourself.

This is enough, this is enough.

Okay.

Now, why don't you just go upstairs and take a nap,

you know, till tomorrow.

You look like a wreck.

A wreck?

What wreck?

Huh?

All right, well... you okay?

I'm good.

You good?

I mean, you're acting a little strange yourself.

No, no. No, I'm fine.

Okay.

All right. All right.

(doorbell ringing)

Oh, hey, cousin Dave.

How's it going?

Oh, everything's good.

Oh, Lisa, this is my man, Trey.

Oh, hi.

Nice to meet you, Trey.

You must cause allergies 'cause I got hay fever.

Hey...

Don't I know you from somewhere?

Wait.

Didn't they used to call you Cotton Candy

at the Century Club back in the day?

No!

I got it.

Butterscotch.

Yeah, I remember the bowlegged ones all the time.

No... no, you got the wrong person, man.

But, uh, y'all go ahead.

Come on in.

Decided to watch the big game?

Watch? What?

We came over here to get paid...

Fantasy football.

Yeah, he's joining my league.

It's real complicated, you wouldn't understand.

Draft day, trade deadlines, and divisions.

I be getting confused sometimes.

Mm.

Uh, who, who this?

Name's Trey.

No fingerprints, brother.

Okay.

Well, I'm gonna leave you guys to it.

Enjoy the game and, uh, nice to meet you, Trey.

Likewise.

You know I'm gonna figure it out, right?

Nice.

Nice?

Brother, that's my wife, ain't nothing nice about her.

No disrespect, bro.

I just thought I knew her from somewhere, that's all.

No, you don't know my wife from nowhere, partner.

Dave, sidebar.

Who is this unknown negro you got in my house?

Oh, that's Trey.

He used to be my roommate.

You remember when I used to have that one bedroom

over at Rikers Island?

Hey, Michael Vick, we gonna watch the game,

or we gonna huddle and whisper in the corner?

Huddle? Let me tackle him--

No, no, be cool, be cool, be cool.

That's just the way he is.

Look, he's always clowning.

Plus, y'all got the same taste in females.

Don't get your boy choked out.

Now, you know I don't like new people up in my house.

Man, where's Mike?

Look, he in the hospital.

Yeah, his wife found out his girlfriend pregnant.

Again?

Mm-hmm. Man, whatever.

Come on, let's go, so I can get up in this man's pockets.

Hey, nice crib, bro...

for this neighborhood.

You got security?

We needed an extra player.

Man, you better...

(mumbling)

Come on!

Quit changing locations, man.

Shoot!

Quit talking so much.

And stop touching the potpourri, Trey.

Nah, that's on the real.

I ain't got no reason to lie.

Man, are you gonna run your mouth,

or are we gonna play cards?

That's just rude, player.

I'm in the middle of telling a story.

So, like I was saying, back when I used to date Rihanna--

Negro, please.

You ain't date no damn Rihanna.

You're right, we didn't date.

It was purely physical.

I was sleazy before sea-breezy.

One day we was walking through the rain, right?

And I bought her an umbrella.

Let's just say I was a brick in the road to her Grammy success.

But I ain't trippin'.

Gentlemen, gentlemen,

would anybody like to partake in some Pinot Noir

or some Bierdeckel cheese?

What the hell is that?

It's a, uh, cheese from Switzerland

that's been washed in wheat beer.

It's semi-soft, pungent, delicious.

Uh, who is the corny-ass dude?

That's my brother, man, so ease up on that corny.

Todd, get that out of here, man.

Hold up, hold up.

You said "semi-soft"?

Yeah, brother, let me get a slice right there.

Oh, finally someone who appreciates the finer things.

Did you say Bierdeckel?

'Cause this reminds me of something we had

when I was locked up.

No, it reminds me more of like a cave-aged Gruyere, actually.

(chuckling)

Was you in prison or a country club?

Depends on which time you're talking about.

Damn, is that the cheese?

Mm-hmm.

You in, Montel?

I should say not.

My poker playing days are behind me.

When were they in front of you?

Oh, Anthony, although we may be brothers,

there's a lot of things about me you do not know.

Like the fact that you're a virgin

even though you've been married 20 years?

You see, I always wondered why y'all ain't had no kids.

No freaky-freaky for you.

Now, come on, we gonna joke or we gonna play?

Yeah, it's on you.

Check. Check.

Check not.

Bet 50.

Raise is up, make it 100.

Y'all can fold that.

I call.

Full house, tens full.

Bam! Four queens.

What?

Yeah.

That's how a do-er play.

Penny for your thoughts, brother.

Beginner's luck, man.

Here, deal the cards.

(Trey) Gimme some of that.

All right.

*

* All right

Hold up, hold up.

Ace in your face, ace in your face.

That looks good, though...

(whistling)

How could he...

(laughing)

Here we at, here we at.

* All right

Still...

Yes, yes, I know, I know.

I'm gonna call you back,

maybe from a different number, though.

Yeah.

Do-do-do-do!

The number you have reached is now mine.

Tony won't be calling you anymore.

Well, brothers, it's been real.

But it's getting late, and I gots to go.

Trey, you realize you won every single hand?

Oh, imagine that.

Can't believe I lost all this much money.

I was supposed to book tickets to the Bahamas tomorrow.

Maybe you should try a "staycation."

I hear the Indian casinos have family discounts,

and a dope buffet.

As for me, I'm going to the strip club to make it rain.

Y'all wanna roll?

First lap dance on me.

No, Trey.

I'll see you later, though.

Lisa's gonna kill me.

Ah...

Lisa, Lisa, Lisa.

I remember where I know her from, bro.

Oh, buy her something nice.

Oh, that's it, that's it, I'm...

J-J-Just chill out, let him leave.

Let me put the paws on him one time.

You don't wanna do that, you don't wanna do that.

Just get your stuff and go.

Man, you make sure he get outta here without taking nothin'?

Hm-hmm.

He tried to get me to help him take your couch.

I didn't even do it.

Now, what am I gonna do?

I lost our entire vacation fund.

See, this is why I don't like new people coming around.

Hey, I'm out about a G myself, bro.

Yeah, but not five.

And you don't even have a family.

Wow...

That's a low blow, cuz.

And you know I've been trying for months.

Please work.

You're right, my bad.

But you're the big scratch-off winner.

This is nothing to you, right?

Wrong.

Between college funds, investments

and begging-ass relatives, I'm cash-poor.

Then why did you continue to play?

'Cause I'm a man, damn it.

Anthony...

do you usually play with a 60-card deck?

What you talking about?

What?

Is that six Kings, seven different Jacks?

Man, the homie hustled us!

Oh, I'm gonna kill him!

After I get my cut.

Where does he live?

We're gonna handle this right now.

I don't know, I ain't never been to his spot.

Violence will not get you your money back.

I've seen this before.

Say, how you learn how to cut cards so fast, Bierdeckel?

Yeah... and how come you didn't do it earlier?

I was.

I don't get involved.

I told you, my poker playing days are being me.

I was actually a bit of a card shark back in the day.

(chuckling)

I first started playing to put myself through college,

and then I went to Vegas and joined up with ten individuals,

and we ended up scamming casinos.

They did a movie about it, it was great--

copyright infringement-- it's a big story.

Anyway, after the third time, it didn't go so well, and, uh,

I ended up doing six months.

Ma said you were on safari.

No, but I was in the jungle with a lot of man-imals.

I know all about that.

Okay, I don't wanna hear any more about that.

But you gotta help me get my money back.

Mine, too.

Fine, I'll help.

But not because you two deserve it,

but because he called me Montel,

and I don't like Montel.

But I only have one condition...

(knocking on door)

What in the world?

What is--

What, what are you doing here?

Surprise.

How did you get my address?

You-- damn right it's a surprise.

Yeah, it is.

You didn't think I was gonna let you destroy my car

and damage my body,

and I don't find out where you live,

that I wouldn't track you down?

Oh, wait a minute.

At the-- you said you were okay.

What's with the neck brace and the crutches

and the limping and all that?

I did not hit you that hard.

Oh, well, yes, hell, you did.

Yes, hell, you did. You remember?

Your potato chips flying all around in your car?

Uh-huh.

You probably had the munchies.

Yeah, I bet you was high.

You're probably high now, huh?

You look high-- that's why you got that shirt mismatched.

What are you talking about?

What is going on out here?

Uh, Tony, uh... you know what?

I'll handle this, I got this covered.

Don't you have something you need to do?

As a matter of fact, no, I don't.

What's going on?

I'm gonna tell you what's going on.

Little Miss Mismatch here

decides that she wants to ram into the back of me,

and I'm hurt.

Did you get into a car accident and not tell me?

What, huh?

Well-- okay, see, what happened was--

You know what, you know what?

It's okay, it's all right.

I forgive you.

You do? Mm-hmm.

'Cause I got some news, too.

I lost our entire vacation fund playing poker.

(man) Ooh!

You know the first rule of poker is never gamble

with more than you can afford to lose.

First rule is you don't know me.

Second rule is, do you want a wheelchair

to go with them crutches?

Ouch!

Tony, I cannot believe you--

Ah, da da da da da!

We're even.

Oh, please, mine was just a mild collision.

What the hell you-- mild, my ass!

What are you talking about, mild?

This look mild to you?

I went and saw my mechanic today, and guess what?

He told me that the damage to my bumper was gonna be $1500.

(both) $1500?

That's right-- Ouch!

And I'm estimating the doctor bill

to come in at another two G's.

Oh, please.

How did you even have time to go to a doctor?

And how did you find out where I live?

Don't even worry about that.

All you need to know is that I checked y'all out

on the internet.

Yeah, y'all think you're all slick, huh?

Living all up here, high and mighty.

Y'all came up on a little scratch-off lottery ticket, huh?

So, don't play with me, just get to writin'.

Check, check it, check it.

Okay, it's all good, it's all good.

I believe you.

What? You believe him?

Give us a moment.

Is that what it is?

Listen, it's obvious that he's trying to fleece us.

Yes, obviously.

There is no way I did $1500 worth of damage to his car.

I have a plan.

Do you trust your man?

I don't have too many options.

True that.

(man) She outta line.

It's all good, brother.

So, uh, what was that you said, 3,500?

Oh, it's like that?

Yeah, is it like that?

Oh, this ain't nothing.

I lost 5,000 playing poker.

(both) 5,000!

Mm-hmm.

They call me the LeBron James of poker.

Yeah, well, go ahead, LeBron, cut that for me.

I wanna take my talents to South Beach.

So, uh, what should I make it out to, Mister...

Uh, Mr. Cash.

C-a-s-h, period.

Okay, Mr. Cash.

Here you go.

Yeah, I like that.

You know, I play a little poker myself.

Do you now? Oh, yeah.

Well, if you're' serious, we got a game tonight around 8:00.

I don't know, man.

Look like I need to quit while I'm ahead, huh?

Hey, hey. What the hell?

See, now that's how people get shot.

Oh, Anthony, if you try to shoot me,

I'd just do a Matrix on you.

Whoo!

Anyway, did I leave my cardigan here?

The one with the little Snoopys on it?

No.

Oh, darn it.

Guess I'll just have to get a new one.

It's only money, right?

Are we still on for poker tonight?

Sure.

Oh, good. I've got goose bumps.

I can't wait.

Hey, is this guy playing in the game tonight?

Yeah.

Okay, I'll see you tonight then.

I'll be here for sure.

Mm!

Ouch!

Ooh!

Who was that?

Don't worry about it.

You just better be as good as you say you are.

Oh, and by the way, great timing.

Thank you.

Tony, you're just a glutton for punishment, huh?

Nah, I just want some of my money back.

Yeah, me, too.

I see Jason Kidd's playing tonight.

And what's your story, old man?

I'm just here for the company, bro.

I feel ya.

Okay, gentlemen, let's get this party started.

Man, this is horrible.

Man, I'm out.

Ouch!

What you got, partner?

Straight.

Straight flush, Jiminy Cricket.

*

(laughing)

(laughing)

(mumbling)

* All right

(laughing)

Hell, Trey.

* All right

Hey, man, that's enough for me.

Here...

I endorsed the check over to you.

You out?

Hell, yeah.

If I play another hand,

I'll be forced pawn my wife's wedding ring, again.

Man, this is a bunch of bull.

You guys can have this.

I don't need that.

This isn't making any sense.

Oh, yeah? Why is that?

You're not used to somebody cheating better than you?

Cheating-- what? Ain't nobody cheatin'.

Man, you better put your-- hold up.

No, no, you--

Oh, no. Get up!

Look at this.

Fellas, for real, I don't know how those cards got here, man.

Y'all crazy.

Look here, this is ridiculous.

I'm just gonna-- okay, I'm just gonna sit right here.

Uh, look here, ain't no need to get violent.

Y'all won your money back, right?

Mm-hmm. Cool.

I don't even know your wife.

Watch.

She fine-- I had to give the brother a try.

I don't know the bond of your relationship, man.

I didn't know the strength of your union.

Um, uh, no harm, no foul, right?

Gimme a shake on it.

Uh, okay, uh, wait, wait, I got your phone.

I got your phone for you, brother.

I got your phone right here, here you go.

Right there.

That ain't my phone.

That's from another game.

Okay, check this out right here, I got this one.

How about this right here?

This is yours, right? Yeah.

Okay, anytime minutes still intact?

Yeah, you're straight.

I didn't delete the contacts, you're good.

What about your watch? I got your watch right here.

Okay, so, we're gonna call it even--

we ain't gonna call it a night, okay, look here.

Help me out brother. You ain't gonna help me out?

Oh, oh, oh, no!

Nobody calls me Montel.

Nobody, you little marionette.

Ah, man, you, too, Jack Johnson?

Yeah, I gotta hand it to you, Tony.

You said you would get the money back, and you did.

Yeah, see what happens when you trust your man?

Now, let's make love on top of all this cash.

Come on, make it rain on me.

Nope.

I'm still mad at you.

What? You were wrong, too.

I told you not to play poker, and you did anyway.

You're just lucky Todd bailed you out.

How'd you get him to help you, anyway?

All right.

Who's ready for the Bahamas?

Honey, don't forget my dehumidifier.

This is gonna be a Bacchanalian delight.

(laughing)