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1
00:00:02,105 --> 00:00:03,072
[snoring]
2
00:00:03,106 --> 00:00:04,556
[banging]
3
00:00:04,590 --> 00:00:06,282
Tony, did you hear that?
4
00:00:06,316 --> 00:00:07,352
Huh?
5
00:00:07,386 --> 00:00:08,318
Did you hear that?
6
00:00:08,353 --> 00:00:09,388
Hmm?
7
00:00:09,423 --> 00:00:12,564
Oh, girl, go back to
sleep, it's late.
8
00:00:12,598 --> 00:00:14,117
Unless you want
some of that thang.
9
00:00:14,152 --> 00:00:15,601
No, Tony, I'm serious,
10
00:00:15,636 --> 00:00:17,569
I think I heard
somebody downstairs.
11
00:00:17,603 --> 00:00:18,984
Should I-- should
I call the police?
12
00:00:19,019 --> 00:00:20,330
Girl, we live in a white
neighborhood.
13
00:00:20,365 --> 00:00:21,745
You call the police,
they're gonna come arrest us.
14
00:00:23,713 --> 00:00:25,232
Relax, man, I'm sure
it was nothing.
15
00:00:25,266 --> 00:00:26,647
I'll check it
out in the morning.
16
00:00:26,681 --> 00:00:28,994
What if somebody is in
our house, Tony?
17
00:00:29,029 --> 00:00:30,996
Well, then tell them to be quiet
so I can get back to sleep.
18
00:00:33,550 --> 00:00:36,519
[crashing]
19
00:00:36,553 --> 00:00:37,796
I think there's
somebody downstairs!
20
00:00:37,830 --> 00:00:38,900
Do something.
21
00:00:38,935 --> 00:00:41,558
Oh, oh, right, right,
yeah, yeah, all right.
22
00:00:41,593 --> 00:00:43,284
I'll go check it out, you
stay here, you stay here.
23
00:00:43,319 --> 00:00:45,700
No, unh-unh, I'm not
staying in this room by myself.
24
00:00:45,735 --> 00:00:46,667
Come on.
25
00:00:46,701 --> 00:00:48,255
[rustling]
26
00:01:05,272 --> 00:01:07,481
If anybody is down here,
you about to get blown away.
27
00:01:07,515 --> 00:01:08,516
That's right.
28
00:01:08,551 --> 00:01:10,691
Don't make me plug
this in!
29
00:01:10,725 --> 00:01:11,864
Girl, don't let 'em know
it ain't plugged in.
30
00:01:13,659 --> 00:01:15,385
Tony, the door is open!
31
00:01:15,420 --> 00:01:17,146
Oh, damn.
32
00:01:17,180 --> 00:01:18,871
Somebody was
up in here.
33
00:01:18,906 --> 00:01:21,288
At least they
didn't take nothing.
34
00:01:21,322 --> 00:01:22,496
Except the TV.
35
00:01:22,530 --> 00:01:24,049
Aw, hell no, not the TV!
36
00:01:25,947 --> 00:01:27,535
Let me turn on the news and see
if there's been any reports--
37
00:01:27,570 --> 00:01:29,882
Aw, damn!
38
00:01:29,917 --> 00:01:31,505
How they gonna
leave the remote!
39
00:01:32,678 --> 00:01:34,232
♪ Woke up and my
wife said to me ♪
40
00:01:34,266 --> 00:01:36,579
♪ The bill collector's
want their fee ♪
41
00:01:36,613 --> 00:01:39,099
♪ Kids keep
talking back to me ♪
42
00:01:39,133 --> 00:01:41,031
♪ Family Time
43
00:01:41,066 --> 00:01:42,067
♪ Family Time
44
00:01:43,103 --> 00:01:44,242
♪ Family Time
45
00:01:55,287 --> 00:01:56,840
What a lovely turn-out
46
00:01:56,875 --> 00:01:59,533
for our first
neighborhood watch meeting.
47
00:01:59,567 --> 00:02:01,466
You know, I wouldjust like to take a moment
48
00:02:01,500 --> 00:02:04,020
to thank Tony and Lisa
Stallworth
49
00:02:04,054 --> 00:02:06,126
for letting us
use their lovely home.
50
00:02:06,160 --> 00:02:09,715
Yes, AKA, the scene of
the crime, um-hmm.
51
00:02:09,750 --> 00:02:11,200
My TV!
52
00:02:11,234 --> 00:02:13,271
Oh, Tony, yes.
53
00:02:13,305 --> 00:02:15,756
Yes, it was tragic to hear of
your missing television.
54
00:02:15,790 --> 00:02:18,621
You know, I for one
will not rest until there are
55
00:02:18,655 --> 00:02:22,935
no more missing televisions
in this neighborhood.
56
00:02:22,970 --> 00:02:25,352
Right? Absolutely.
57
00:02:25,386 --> 00:02:28,251
Okay, so for our final
order of business, oh...
58
00:02:28,286 --> 00:02:29,425
[Tony snoring]
59
00:02:29,459 --> 00:02:31,979
we need to elect a neighborhood
watch president.
60
00:02:32,013 --> 00:02:33,222
Any volunteers?
61
00:02:34,533 --> 00:02:35,914
[snoring]
62
00:02:35,948 --> 00:02:36,949
[yawning]
63
00:02:36,984 --> 00:02:38,710
Thank you, Tony!
64
00:02:38,744 --> 00:02:41,402
Yes, yeah, abs--, well...
65
00:02:41,437 --> 00:02:43,024
All in favor?
66
00:02:43,059 --> 00:02:44,474
Aye.
67
00:02:44,509 --> 00:02:45,993
[all]
Aye.
68
00:02:46,027 --> 00:02:47,546
What the hell?
69
00:02:47,581 --> 00:02:49,169
All opposed?
70
00:02:49,203 --> 00:02:52,068
Are you always a jokester?
71
00:02:52,102 --> 00:02:53,242
No, it's settled,
it's settled.
72
00:02:53,276 --> 00:02:56,072
You are the new neighborhood
watch president.
73
00:02:56,106 --> 00:02:57,522
Meeting adjourned.
74
00:02:57,556 --> 00:02:59,558
Thank you so
much for coming.
75
00:02:59,593 --> 00:03:01,905
Thank you, I
really appreciate it.
76
00:03:01,940 --> 00:03:03,183
You guys get home safe.
77
00:03:03,217 --> 00:03:04,632
[woman]
Thank you, thank you.
78
00:03:04,667 --> 00:03:06,807
Have a great night.
79
00:03:06,841 --> 00:03:11,018
Tony, thank you so much for
stepping up to be president.
80
00:03:11,052 --> 00:03:12,502
But, um...
81
00:03:12,537 --> 00:03:14,987
But it is a huge
responsibility, I know, I know,
82
00:03:15,022 --> 00:03:16,920
not to mention a huge
time-commitment.
83
00:03:16,955 --> 00:03:18,301
Yeah, but--
84
00:03:18,336 --> 00:03:21,615
But after last night, Tony
is, you know, he realizes
85
00:03:21,649 --> 00:03:23,548
the importance of this
neighborhood watch group.
86
00:03:23,582 --> 00:03:26,344
And he is-- he's so
happy to help out
87
00:03:26,378 --> 00:03:28,415
in any way that
he possibly can.
88
00:03:28,449 --> 00:03:30,348
Well, I for one, will
sleep sounder
89
00:03:30,382 --> 00:03:32,591
knowing that big Tony is
watching over us.
90
00:03:32,626 --> 00:03:33,627
Oh, thank you so much.
91
00:03:33,661 --> 00:03:35,007
Of course, mwah.
92
00:03:35,042 --> 00:03:37,078
Mr. President,
you sleep well.
93
00:03:37,113 --> 00:03:38,977
Thank you, Cheryl.Bye-bye, all!
94
00:03:39,011 --> 00:03:40,358
Bye.See you later!
95
00:03:40,392 --> 00:03:42,083
Be safe.
96
00:03:42,118 --> 00:03:43,740
I'll try.
97
00:03:43,775 --> 00:03:45,155
[door closing]
98
00:03:45,190 --> 00:03:46,709
That's messed up.
99
00:03:46,743 --> 00:03:48,124
I can't believe
you volunteered me
100
00:03:48,158 --> 00:03:49,781
to be president of
the neighborhood watch.
101
00:03:49,815 --> 00:03:51,886
I didn't, you did.
102
00:03:51,921 --> 00:03:54,026
You should've
stayed awake.
103
00:03:54,061 --> 00:03:56,166
and besides,
it's a good thing.
104
00:03:56,201 --> 00:03:57,823
You know, we were lucky
that they were gone
105
00:03:57,858 --> 00:03:59,687
when we came downstairs.
106
00:03:59,722 --> 00:04:02,587
83-year-old Mrs. Lewis
walked in on her burglars.
107
00:04:02,621 --> 00:04:05,141
I know, that burglar lucky
he made it out alive.
108
00:04:05,175 --> 00:04:08,040
It's common knowledge that black
women over 80 have no fear.
109
00:04:08,075 --> 00:04:10,698
How are you gonna scare somebody
that looked slavery in the face?
110
00:04:10,733 --> 00:04:13,908
She's 83, Tony,
not 183, fool.
111
00:04:13,943 --> 00:04:15,772
It's hard to run out of the
house with stolen merchandise
112
00:04:15,807 --> 00:04:17,705
while somebody's beating
your ass with a switch.
113
00:04:17,740 --> 00:04:20,536
[mimicking elderly woman]
Boy, didn't I tell you about all
that breaking and entering.
114
00:04:20,570 --> 00:04:22,538
Move your hand, move
your hand, move your hand...
115
00:04:22,572 --> 00:04:24,298
You stupid!
116
00:04:29,269 --> 00:04:31,823
$6,000 for a security system?
117
00:04:31,857 --> 00:04:35,585
It would cost me less
to get robbed, bye!
118
00:04:35,620 --> 00:04:36,966
Wow.
119
00:04:37,000 --> 00:04:38,692
Sounds like they're the
ones doing the robbing.
120
00:04:38,726 --> 00:04:40,487
We'd be better
off getting a dog.
121
00:04:40,521 --> 00:04:42,489
Tony, we need to talk
about something.
122
00:04:42,523 --> 00:04:45,285
Oh, if this is about
last night, that's my bad.
123
00:04:45,319 --> 00:04:46,320
I should've
warned you that I was
124
00:04:46,355 --> 00:04:48,702
up to chapter six in
the "Kama Sutra".
125
00:04:48,736 --> 00:04:50,738
Don't worry, I'll give you time
to warm up and stretch tonight.
126
00:04:50,773 --> 00:04:52,533
[chuckling]
127
00:04:52,568 --> 00:04:54,949
Not that, silly.
128
00:04:54,984 --> 00:04:57,193
We need to do some
estate planning.
129
00:04:57,227 --> 00:04:59,091
Neither one of
us has a will.
130
00:04:59,126 --> 00:05:00,161
Why, is there something
you ain't telling me?
131
00:05:00,196 --> 00:05:01,370
Are you okay?
132
00:05:01,404 --> 00:05:02,957
Wait, wait, am I okay,
did the doctor call?
133
00:05:02,992 --> 00:05:05,305
No, we are fine...
for now.
134
00:05:05,339 --> 00:05:08,446
But this whole break-in
situation has me thinking
135
00:05:08,480 --> 00:05:10,448
that anything could happen.
136
00:05:10,482 --> 00:05:11,725
I mean, what if
you were to choke
137
00:05:11,759 --> 00:05:13,830
on that sandwich right
now, what would I do?
138
00:05:13,865 --> 00:05:16,592
Hopefully, the Heimlich maneuver
before I choke to death.
139
00:05:16,626 --> 00:05:18,559
You know what I mean.
140
00:05:18,594 --> 00:05:20,699
Well, look, If anything
happened to either one of us,
141
00:05:20,734 --> 00:05:22,080
then the surviving spouse and
the kids would get everything.
142
00:05:22,114 --> 00:05:23,392
What's to plan?
143
00:05:23,426 --> 00:05:25,877
No, I mean, what if something
happened to both of us?
144
00:05:25,911 --> 00:05:29,018
Like. say we were driving and
the car just flew off a cliff?
145
00:05:29,052 --> 00:05:31,158
And then it just started
toppling over and rolling over
146
00:05:31,192 --> 00:05:32,918
and rolling over and then a
bus just came and smashed it
147
00:05:32,953 --> 00:05:34,161
and it burst into flames
148
00:05:34,195 --> 00:05:36,681
and then they couldn't
identify our bodies?!
149
00:05:36,715 --> 00:05:40,892
Yeah, we need to stop going to
sleep with the TV on, okay?
150
00:05:40,926 --> 00:05:42,031
Ooh, I got a better one.
151
00:05:42,065 --> 00:05:44,827
What if we went to sleep
and then we woke up.
152
00:05:44,861 --> 00:05:46,484
We was dead and
the autopsy report
153
00:05:46,518 --> 00:05:48,209
proved that we were poisoned?
154
00:05:48,244 --> 00:05:49,625
Then it would be obvious
we ate dinner
155
00:05:49,659 --> 00:05:51,212
at your mother's
house the night before
156
00:05:51,247 --> 00:05:54,664
and you ate off my plate when
she wasn't looking, obvious.
157
00:05:54,699 --> 00:05:57,391
And the he irony is
that my mother loves you.
158
00:05:57,426 --> 00:06:00,152
Look, I don't even really wanna
think about us not being here.
159
00:06:00,187 --> 00:06:01,430
I know.
160
00:06:01,464 --> 00:06:04,571
And to be honest, I really
don't care who gets what.
161
00:06:04,605 --> 00:06:06,538
What concerns me most
is who gets the kids.
162
00:06:06,573 --> 00:06:07,574
Hmm.
163
00:06:07,608 --> 00:06:09,299
What happens to them?
164
00:06:09,334 --> 00:06:10,853
Well, one thing's for sure.
165
00:06:10,887 --> 00:06:13,200
They won't be eating
dinner at your mama's house.
166
00:06:17,342 --> 00:06:20,656
♪
167
00:06:23,831 --> 00:06:25,177
Thinking about the kids?
168
00:06:25,212 --> 00:06:26,420
Yeah.
169
00:06:26,455 --> 00:06:27,939
I called to check up
on Devin.
170
00:06:27,973 --> 00:06:29,216
He said he's having
so much fun at Marty's,
171
00:06:29,250 --> 00:06:30,424
he wants to move out.
172
00:06:30,459 --> 00:06:32,322
That's half the
problem solved.
173
00:06:32,357 --> 00:06:34,808
Well, at least Ebony
called to say hi.
174
00:06:34,842 --> 00:06:36,223
Did she ask about
her old man?
175
00:06:36,257 --> 00:06:39,468
No, she said hi and hung up.
176
00:06:39,502 --> 00:06:41,193
Really hung up.
177
00:06:41,228 --> 00:06:43,230
Wow, this whole
estate planning thing
178
00:06:43,264 --> 00:06:45,819
kind of has you putting things
into perspective, doesn't it?
179
00:06:45,853 --> 00:06:47,648
It sure does.
180
00:06:47,683 --> 00:06:48,684
You know I was thinking.
181
00:06:48,718 --> 00:06:50,858
If anything ever
does happen to us,
182
00:06:50,893 --> 00:06:53,136
the kids should just go
stay with my parents.
183
00:06:53,171 --> 00:06:56,864
Yeah, well, you know, that's
one option, honey, but, I mean,
184
00:06:56,899 --> 00:06:59,798
the school is actually closer
to where my parents live,
185
00:06:59,833 --> 00:07:03,077
so I think that might be the
best choice for the children.
186
00:07:03,112 --> 00:07:04,458
That wouldn't
really be an issue.
187
00:07:04,493 --> 00:07:06,218
The kids would inherit
the house so
188
00:07:06,253 --> 00:07:07,806
my parents could
just move in here.
189
00:07:07,841 --> 00:07:10,153
Besides, my parents have the
same last name as our kids.
190
00:07:10,188 --> 00:07:11,638
Yours don't.
191
00:07:11,672 --> 00:07:13,985
What's that got to
do with anything?
192
00:07:14,019 --> 00:07:15,952
And besides-- no, your
mother is too bossy.
193
00:07:15,987 --> 00:07:17,609
She would drive
the kids crazy.
194
00:07:17,644 --> 00:07:20,025
Your daddy's too stuffy,
he'd bore 'em to death.
195
00:07:20,060 --> 00:07:21,026
Don't talk about my daddy.
196
00:07:21,061 --> 00:07:21,993
Don't talk about my mama.
197
00:07:23,581 --> 00:07:24,892
Lisa, this is stupid.
198
00:07:24,927 --> 00:07:27,930
We're arguing over a
hypothetical situation.
199
00:07:27,964 --> 00:07:30,726
Yeah, you're
right, you're right.
200
00:07:30,760 --> 00:07:32,244
Besides, it only
makes sense that the kids
201
00:07:32,279 --> 00:07:35,006
could go and stay with
Todd and Vivian.
202
00:07:35,040 --> 00:07:36,145
And they can just
move in here.
203
00:07:36,179 --> 00:07:39,217
Your brother and
sister-in-law are too bougie.
204
00:07:39,251 --> 00:07:41,357
The kids would grow up
with misplaced values.
205
00:07:41,391 --> 00:07:42,945
And besides, Rachel or Lori
206
00:07:42,979 --> 00:07:44,809
could move in here just
as easily.
207
00:07:44,843 --> 00:07:47,743
Your sister be giving her
opinion when it's not asked for.
208
00:07:47,777 --> 00:07:48,847
Which one?
209
00:07:48,882 --> 00:07:50,573
Both of them.
210
00:07:50,608 --> 00:07:53,231
Look, we can go back and
forth on this all day,
211
00:07:53,265 --> 00:07:55,785
but the logical
choice is still my parents.
212
00:07:55,820 --> 00:07:57,407
Your dad has no backbone.
213
00:07:57,442 --> 00:07:59,099
Okay, Devin would grow up
letting women
214
00:07:59,133 --> 00:08:00,721
just run all over him.
215
00:08:00,756 --> 00:08:01,895
What?
216
00:08:01,929 --> 00:08:02,896
My parents have
been married 40 years.
217
00:08:02,930 --> 00:08:04,967
He must be
doing something right.
218
00:08:05,001 --> 00:08:06,831
Besides, your mama's
so fake...
219
00:08:06,865 --> 00:08:08,798
My mama's so fake, what?
220
00:08:08,833 --> 00:08:10,593
That's it.
221
00:08:10,628 --> 00:08:13,044
You know what, whatever,
let's stop talking about this.
222
00:08:13,078 --> 00:08:14,804
This is what we're
gonna do, okay?
223
00:08:14,839 --> 00:08:19,395
Let's make a list of
all the pros and cons
224
00:08:19,429 --> 00:08:22,536
and then invite everybody over
for a barbecue tomorrow.
225
00:08:22,571 --> 00:08:25,332
That way we could,
we could screen everybody
226
00:08:25,366 --> 00:08:27,645
and see who would be the best
legal guardian for the kids.
227
00:08:27,679 --> 00:08:29,474
Ah, I see, like a
group interview
228
00:08:29,509 --> 00:08:30,786
without them knowing it.
229
00:08:30,820 --> 00:08:33,305
Girl, you so smart,
that's why I married you.
230
00:08:33,340 --> 00:08:35,100
Wait a minute, who's gonna
pay to feed all them--
231
00:08:35,135 --> 00:08:37,206
Nice people?
232
00:08:37,240 --> 00:08:38,794
They're family, Tony.
233
00:08:38,828 --> 00:08:40,658
[grunting]
I know, I know.
234
00:08:46,215 --> 00:08:49,805
Hey, Lis!
235
00:08:49,839 --> 00:08:51,151
Tony, what is all this?
236
00:08:51,185 --> 00:08:52,152
Oh, you know, when I get
involved in something,
237
00:08:52,186 --> 00:08:53,394
I'm all in.
238
00:08:53,429 --> 00:08:54,982
So as president of the
neighborhood watch,
239
00:08:55,017 --> 00:08:57,191
I was out putting signs
on everybody's front yard.
240
00:08:57,226 --> 00:08:59,262
Okay, that's great, but did
you get the charcoal?
241
00:08:59,297 --> 00:09:00,747
Oh, man, I forgot.
242
00:09:00,781 --> 00:09:03,404
I'll go back right now-- oh,
oh, here's what I just saw.
243
00:09:03,439 --> 00:09:05,165
83-year-old Miss Lewis
and old-ass Mr. Davenport
244
00:09:05,199 --> 00:09:07,339
knocking boots.
245
00:09:07,374 --> 00:09:08,962
Knocking boots?
246
00:09:08,996 --> 00:09:10,964
Unh-unh, nobody
says that anymore,
247
00:09:10,998 --> 00:09:12,137
that phrase is "hell old".
248
00:09:12,172 --> 00:09:15,416
Yeah, so are they.
249
00:09:15,451 --> 00:09:17,522
They didn't even bother
closing the blinds or nothing.
250
00:09:17,557 --> 00:09:19,455
I ain't seen that much sagging
skin since Paula Deen.
251
00:09:21,250 --> 00:09:23,217
Ain't nobody robbing
that house again.
252
00:09:23,252 --> 00:09:24,425
Umm, oh, guess
what else I saw?
253
00:09:24,460 --> 00:09:25,772
You know, Mr. Evans?
254
00:09:25,806 --> 00:09:28,257
Lettuce ain't the only thing
growing in that greenhouse.
255
00:09:28,291 --> 00:09:29,569
Tony, you been over there
256
00:09:29,603 --> 00:09:32,433
patrolling, snooping or...
[inhaling] sniffing.
257
00:09:32,468 --> 00:09:35,402
I'm just keeping my
ear to the streets.
258
00:09:35,436 --> 00:09:36,783
You know, how
the president knows
259
00:09:36,817 --> 00:09:38,129
what's going on in
the White house?
260
00:09:38,163 --> 00:09:40,372
Yeah, well, what's happening
in this Black House
261
00:09:40,407 --> 00:09:42,029
is that we
have company on the way
262
00:09:42,064 --> 00:09:45,101
and no charcoal for our
inaugural barbecue.
263
00:09:45,136 --> 00:09:47,725
Oh, that was good, that was
good, Black House, White House.
264
00:09:47,759 --> 00:09:49,761
Girl, you missed your calling
as a comedian, 'cause you--
265
00:09:49,796 --> 00:09:50,797
I'll go get the charcoal.
266
00:09:50,831 --> 00:09:51,867
Yeah.
267
00:09:57,873 --> 00:09:58,908
Tony?Hmm.
268
00:09:58,943 --> 00:10:01,117
I just want to thank
you and Lisa
269
00:10:01,152 --> 00:10:03,672
for having us all
over for dinner today.
270
00:10:03,706 --> 00:10:07,952
Oh, family gatherings
are just so important.
271
00:10:07,986 --> 00:10:10,230
How important is
family to you, Mom?
272
00:10:10,264 --> 00:10:12,059
Oh, very.
273
00:10:12,094 --> 00:10:13,820
Without family,
274
00:10:13,854 --> 00:10:17,375
you have no sense of who
you are in the world.
275
00:10:17,409 --> 00:10:18,721
So how about you, Mama?
276
00:10:18,756 --> 00:10:20,689
How important is
family to you?
277
00:10:20,723 --> 00:10:25,417
If I had to choose between a
family reunion and a root canal,
278
00:10:25,452 --> 00:10:29,249
slap on the mask and
turn up the gas.
279
00:10:29,283 --> 00:10:30,837
You don't really
feel that way, do you, Mom?
280
00:10:30,871 --> 00:10:31,907
Oh, but I do.
281
00:10:31,941 --> 00:10:33,874
Oh, of course she
feels that way.
282
00:10:33,909 --> 00:10:35,842
Tony, of course she does.
283
00:10:35,876 --> 00:10:38,189
Uh, Aunt Vivian,
what about you?
284
00:10:38,223 --> 00:10:39,259
How do you
feel about kids?
285
00:10:39,293 --> 00:10:41,571
OH, um... wow, there
is a reason
286
00:10:41,606 --> 00:10:43,746
that Todd and I don't
have children.
287
00:10:43,781 --> 00:10:44,954
You're just
gonna put Todd on blast
288
00:10:44,989 --> 00:10:46,300
like that in front
of everybody?
289
00:10:46,335 --> 00:10:48,095
Oh, it's got nothing
to do with Todd.
290
00:10:48,130 --> 00:10:51,547
His swimmer's are at an
Olympic level, no, um...
291
00:10:51,581 --> 00:10:53,204
I'm just not good
with children.
292
00:10:53,238 --> 00:10:55,171
If I'm around them for longer
than an hour,
293
00:10:55,206 --> 00:10:57,173
I just break out I hives.
294
00:10:57,208 --> 00:10:59,935
Now children,
that's another story.
295
00:10:59,969 --> 00:11:04,387
There is nothing more important
on this earth than a child.
296
00:11:04,422 --> 00:11:07,252
Hmm, hmm, I heard that,
you can say that again.
297
00:11:07,287 --> 00:11:08,529
Nothing...
298
00:11:08,564 --> 00:11:11,671
More important on this
earth than a child.
299
00:11:11,705 --> 00:11:12,913
Those were her
exact words.
300
00:11:12,948 --> 00:11:15,260
[whispering]
Nothing!
301
00:11:15,295 --> 00:11:17,504
Hmm, well, my mother,
she absolutely
302
00:11:17,538 --> 00:11:19,402
adores children,
don't you, Mom?
303
00:11:19,437 --> 00:11:21,059
Don't you
just love children?
304
00:11:21,094 --> 00:11:22,578
Of course, I do.
305
00:11:22,612 --> 00:11:26,409
Especially now that you're all
grown and out of the house.
306
00:11:26,444 --> 00:11:28,135
What?
307
00:11:28,170 --> 00:11:30,344
I never knew you
felt that way.
308
00:11:30,379 --> 00:11:31,552
I can't believe
you said that.
309
00:11:31,587 --> 00:11:32,622
I can.
310
00:11:32,657 --> 00:11:34,245
After raising you three?
311
00:11:34,279 --> 00:11:36,316
She done her time.
312
00:11:36,350 --> 00:11:37,593
Well, what about you two?
313
00:11:37,627 --> 00:11:39,008
How do you
feel about kids?
314
00:11:39,043 --> 00:11:41,183
No maternal
instincts at all?
315
00:11:41,217 --> 00:11:43,081
No time for them.
316
00:11:43,116 --> 00:11:45,221
Did she really just
ask me that?
317
00:11:45,256 --> 00:11:47,707
Okay, I'm saying, well, what
if it were Devin and Ebony?
318
00:11:47,741 --> 00:11:50,157
Who?
Are you really
gonna ask me that?
319
00:11:50,192 --> 00:11:51,469
Your grandkids, Mom.
320
00:11:51,503 --> 00:11:53,885
Oh, Devin and
Ebony, I'm sorry.
321
00:11:57,130 --> 00:11:59,684
No, like I
said, with family,
322
00:11:59,719 --> 00:12:03,584
it just gives you a sense of
who you are in the world.
323
00:12:03,619 --> 00:12:05,794
But they just take up so
much of your damn time.
324
00:12:05,828 --> 00:12:07,865
Mmm, preach.
325
00:12:07,899 --> 00:12:11,109
I need to go check on
the meat outside.
326
00:12:11,144 --> 00:12:12,628
Um, yeah, but, excuse us.
327
00:12:21,119 --> 00:12:22,500
How's everything,
gentlemen?
328
00:12:22,534 --> 00:12:26,504
I was just telling everyone
about your first beer, son.
329
00:12:26,538 --> 00:12:29,783
Oh, yeah, I must have
been, what, 22, 21?
330
00:12:29,818 --> 00:12:31,889
Try 14.
331
00:12:31,923 --> 00:12:33,407
It was at Christmastime.
332
00:12:33,442 --> 00:12:36,031
You two kept begging me
for one so I gave you one.
333
00:12:36,065 --> 00:12:38,930
And you threw up all night.
334
00:12:38,965 --> 00:12:40,621
It was disgusting.
335
00:12:40,656 --> 00:12:42,485
The throwing up,
not the beer.
336
00:12:42,520 --> 00:12:43,866
I liked it though.
337
00:12:43,901 --> 00:12:47,905
The beer,
not the throwing up.
338
00:12:47,939 --> 00:12:50,010
Well, as a judge,
339
00:12:50,045 --> 00:12:54,601
I can't tell you how
many young black men
340
00:12:54,635 --> 00:12:58,363
I've had to incarcerate behind
the misuse of alcohol.
341
00:12:58,398 --> 00:12:59,951
It's a travesty.
342
00:12:59,986 --> 00:13:03,610
See, that's why Viv and I have
decided not to have children.
343
00:13:03,644 --> 00:13:05,301
It's too much responsibility.
344
00:13:05,336 --> 00:13:07,338
And she always gets
hives if she's around them
345
00:13:07,372 --> 00:13:10,030
for more than an hour, it's...
the weirdest thing.
346
00:13:10,065 --> 00:13:13,862
Yeah, we heard all
about it, Michael Phelps.
347
00:13:13,896 --> 00:13:16,450
Well, I feel my
greatest achievement
348
00:13:16,485 --> 00:13:19,246
was raising my
three daughters.
349
00:13:19,281 --> 00:13:22,111
Aww... thank you, Daddy.
350
00:13:22,146 --> 00:13:24,424
I feel the same way, Carl.
351
00:13:24,458 --> 00:13:26,598
I'm proud of my two boys.
352
00:13:26,633 --> 00:13:28,324
I think I did all right.
353
00:13:28,359 --> 00:13:30,568
Thank you, Father.
354
00:13:30,602 --> 00:13:33,019
And there's no way in hell
355
00:13:33,053 --> 00:13:35,262
you can pay me enough
money to do it again.
356
00:13:35,297 --> 00:13:37,092
Ha-ha, not in a
million years.
357
00:13:37,126 --> 00:13:40,854
Raising kids after 50 would be
like pledging my fraternity.
358
00:13:40,889 --> 00:13:43,270
Going in, you know you're
going to get your ass kicked,
359
00:13:43,305 --> 00:13:45,652
But you're glad you did
it when you finished.
360
00:13:45,686 --> 00:13:46,756
But you know there's
no way in hell
361
00:13:46,791 --> 00:13:48,517
you're ever gonna do it again.
362
00:13:48,551 --> 00:13:50,070
You got that right.
363
00:13:50,105 --> 00:13:53,108
So none of you would ever want
to be around children again?
364
00:13:53,142 --> 00:13:54,868
Oh, baby.
365
00:13:54,903 --> 00:13:58,941
All of us here,
we all love children.
366
00:13:58,976 --> 00:14:01,357
More or less.
367
00:14:01,392 --> 00:14:03,325
And I can speak
for everybody here,
368
00:14:03,359 --> 00:14:07,605
that if we had to raise kids
again, would we want to?
369
00:14:07,639 --> 00:14:09,987
[all]
Hell, no.
370
00:14:10,021 --> 00:14:11,298
I rest my case.
371
00:14:18,616 --> 00:14:20,066
Baby, baby, baby, relax.
372
00:14:20,100 --> 00:14:21,619
People are gonna start
to get suspicious.
373
00:14:21,653 --> 00:14:22,931
Lisa, what's wrong with you?
374
00:14:22,965 --> 00:14:24,001
Yeah, baby,
are you okay?
375
00:14:24,035 --> 00:14:25,071
Too late.
376
00:14:25,105 --> 00:14:26,417
I'm fine.
377
00:14:26,451 --> 00:14:27,970
Well, you're not
acting fine.
378
00:14:28,005 --> 00:14:30,559
Now Lisa, what is going on?
379
00:14:30,593 --> 00:14:31,836
Are you well?
380
00:14:31,871 --> 00:14:35,322
Well, you do look a little pale,
relatively speaking.
381
00:14:35,357 --> 00:14:37,531
Honey, did you go
back to Dr. Gibbs?
382
00:14:37,566 --> 00:14:39,568
Are you seeing doctor?
383
00:14:39,602 --> 00:14:40,603
Are you pregnant?
384
00:14:40,638 --> 00:14:42,088
Is it twins, triplets?
385
00:14:42,122 --> 00:14:43,227
[gasping]
386
00:14:43,261 --> 00:14:44,849
I am your mother and
I have a right to know.
387
00:14:44,884 --> 00:14:47,438
I am fine, okay,
I'm not pregnant,
388
00:14:47,472 --> 00:14:48,715
it was just a
check-up, that's it.
389
00:14:48,749 --> 00:14:49,819
Oh.
390
00:14:49,854 --> 00:14:51,580
What's with all
the questions about kids?
391
00:14:51,614 --> 00:14:53,996
Are my grand babies all right?
392
00:14:54,031 --> 00:14:58,345
Yeah-- as a matter of fact,
where are Devin and Ebony?
393
00:14:58,380 --> 00:15:00,520
Look, the kids are fine, okay?
394
00:15:00,554 --> 00:15:02,556
What has gotten
into you, Lisa.
395
00:15:02,591 --> 00:15:06,284
Do you expect men of our age
to be raising kids again?
396
00:15:06,319 --> 00:15:10,288
Why are you asking them
about raising children?
397
00:15:10,323 --> 00:15:12,704
Lisa, look, I know you
just said you went
398
00:15:12,739 --> 00:15:15,535
to Dr. Gibbs and he
gave you a check-up.
399
00:15:15,569 --> 00:15:18,814
But did he tell
you anything else?
400
00:15:18,848 --> 00:15:20,195
You can tell us.
401
00:15:20,229 --> 00:15:24,854
Lisa... what are you
not telling us?
402
00:15:24,889 --> 00:15:27,547
Mom, stop it, don't cry, don't
cry, okay, just, listen.
403
00:15:27,581 --> 00:15:29,618
Tony and I just
decided to do
404
00:15:29,652 --> 00:15:32,207
a little bit of estate
planning, that's all.
405
00:15:32,241 --> 00:15:34,934
Oh, no, my baby's gonna die!
406
00:15:36,142 --> 00:15:39,041
I have not had enough
time with you.
407
00:15:39,076 --> 00:15:40,560
Nobody's going
to die!
408
00:15:40,594 --> 00:15:42,803
Come on, stop lying.
409
00:15:42,838 --> 00:15:44,288
I'm not gonna die.
410
00:15:44,322 --> 00:15:45,910
You're not?No.
411
00:15:45,945 --> 00:15:47,567
Oh.Gosh.
412
00:15:47,601 --> 00:15:48,913
You scared me to death.
413
00:15:48,948 --> 00:15:50,673
Dry your eyes.Oh.
414
00:15:50,708 --> 00:15:53,124
No, you scared yourself
half to death.
415
00:15:53,159 --> 00:15:55,126
Lisa didn't say
anything about dying.
416
00:15:55,161 --> 00:15:58,164
Well, she gave me plenty to
infer from.
417
00:15:58,198 --> 00:16:02,789
I can't help it if
I'm a critical thinker.
418
00:16:02,823 --> 00:16:05,550
I'm just glad
it wasn't my Tony.
419
00:16:05,585 --> 00:16:06,896
What about the rest of us?
420
00:16:06,931 --> 00:16:11,315
I'm sure you're glad
it wasn't Tony too.
421
00:16:11,349 --> 00:16:13,696
Lisa and I decided to
do some estate planning
422
00:16:13,731 --> 00:16:15,008
just so that we're prepared
423
00:16:15,043 --> 00:16:16,389
in the case that
something happens to us.
424
00:16:16,423 --> 00:16:19,357
Yes, and to be honest,
we're not convinced
425
00:16:19,392 --> 00:16:21,497
that any of you have what it
takes to raise our children.
426
00:16:21,532 --> 00:16:23,120
Excuse me?
427
00:16:23,154 --> 00:16:24,742
I hear the foster care system
428
00:16:24,776 --> 00:16:26,986
has made strides
in recent years.
429
00:16:27,020 --> 00:16:29,989
Don't be silly, Vivian.
430
00:16:30,023 --> 00:16:31,991
If anything happens
to you two,
431
00:16:32,025 --> 00:16:35,718
Darius and I, obviously
432
00:16:35,753 --> 00:16:38,583
will take custody
of the children.
433
00:16:38,618 --> 00:16:40,240
Obviously?
434
00:16:40,275 --> 00:16:43,830
Whoa, there's a couple more
grandparents here in this room.
435
00:16:43,864 --> 00:16:45,970
And Aunties, I'll have
you all know
436
00:16:46,005 --> 00:16:50,457
this is a Parcheesi
from Ligi... bag right here?
437
00:16:50,492 --> 00:16:52,735
I am well equipped and
so is Rachel
438
00:16:52,770 --> 00:16:55,324
to take care
of your two children.
439
00:16:55,359 --> 00:16:58,879
Um-hmm, okay, first of all, this
is a knock-off, so knock it off.
440
00:16:58,914 --> 00:17:00,088
Unh-oh!
441
00:17:00,122 --> 00:17:01,744
Second of all, I'm
not into kids like that,
442
00:17:01,779 --> 00:17:03,194
okay, they eat a lot...
443
00:17:03,229 --> 00:17:04,230
You are a kid!
444
00:17:04,264 --> 00:17:06,232
[all shouting]
445
00:17:07,819 --> 00:17:11,271
Please, calm down, please, I
have something I have to say!
446
00:17:11,306 --> 00:17:14,619
Okay, I know that each
and every one of you
447
00:17:14,654 --> 00:17:16,104
love Devin and Ebony, okay?
448
00:17:16,138 --> 00:17:17,795
And that if necessary,
449
00:17:17,829 --> 00:17:20,763
each and every one of you
would be there for them.
450
00:17:20,798 --> 00:17:22,800
Tony and I, we
know that, right?
451
00:17:22,834 --> 00:17:24,767
Yeah, so don't take it personal
if you're not the ones
452
00:17:24,802 --> 00:17:27,080
that we choose to put on the
estate as a legal guardian,
453
00:17:27,115 --> 00:17:28,461
it's just a formality.
454
00:17:28,495 --> 00:17:32,361
We know it takes a village and
you're all our village, huh?
455
00:17:32,396 --> 00:17:35,054
Or are we the
the village idiots?
456
00:17:35,088 --> 00:17:37,642
I found your little pros
and cons list in the trash.
457
00:17:37,677 --> 00:17:39,023
Oh.
458
00:17:39,058 --> 00:17:41,646
So, does anybody want to
hear what Anthony and Lisa
459
00:17:41,681 --> 00:17:43,338
really think about us?
460
00:17:43,372 --> 00:17:45,305
Don't do that, please...
461
00:17:45,340 --> 00:17:47,307
[all talking at once]
462
00:18:03,185 --> 00:18:06,292
Okay, okay, hey, hey, hey,
all right now, hey, listen.
463
00:18:06,326 --> 00:18:08,017
This is my house, all that
yelling, y'all relax,
464
00:18:08,052 --> 00:18:10,227
please, go sit down,
please, pretty please.
465
00:18:10,261 --> 00:18:11,262
All right?
466
00:18:11,297 --> 00:18:12,746
I wanna know the cons.
467
00:18:12,781 --> 00:18:15,611
I get you, just sit down, okay
and we'll straight all this out.
468
00:18:15,646 --> 00:18:16,888
Now brother, give
me that.
469
00:18:16,923 --> 00:18:18,890
Not so fast,
little brother.
470
00:18:18,925 --> 00:18:19,960
I think
everybody should know
471
00:18:19,995 --> 00:18:21,238
exactly what you
two think of us.
472
00:18:21,272 --> 00:18:22,722
Now, you don't have
to do that, Todd.
473
00:18:22,756 --> 00:18:25,276
Oh, I think I do.
474
00:18:25,311 --> 00:18:26,381
Let's see.
475
00:18:26,415 --> 00:18:29,522
Mom, you're
too bossy.
476
00:18:29,556 --> 00:18:32,490
You'd drive the kids crazy.
477
00:18:32,525 --> 00:18:36,460
Judge Calloway,
you're too stuffy.
478
00:18:36,494 --> 00:18:38,772
You'd bore them to death.
479
00:18:38,807 --> 00:18:41,258
Dad, apparently, you
have no backbone
480
00:18:41,292 --> 00:18:43,191
because you allow mother to
run all over you.
481
00:18:43,225 --> 00:18:44,537
Hmm.
482
00:18:44,571 --> 00:18:47,022
Rachel and Lori?
483
00:18:47,056 --> 00:18:48,437
Oui?
484
00:18:48,472 --> 00:18:52,131
You two give your opinions when
they're not asked for.
485
00:18:52,165 --> 00:18:53,787
Oh, I think that's ridiculous.
486
00:18:53,822 --> 00:18:55,720
And I think that shirt around
your neck looks stupid.
487
00:18:55,755 --> 00:18:57,757
Really stupid.
488
00:18:57,791 --> 00:19:00,932
Vivian, you and
I are too bougie.
489
00:19:00,967 --> 00:19:04,281
Being around us they would
grow up with misplaced values.
490
00:19:04,315 --> 00:19:06,352
Oh, now, that's true.That's very true.
491
00:19:06,386 --> 00:19:11,598
And you, Mr. Calloway, are faker
than a three-dollar bill.
492
00:19:11,633 --> 00:19:13,497
Are you calling me fake?
493
00:19:13,531 --> 00:19:15,050
I didn't write this list.
494
00:19:15,084 --> 00:19:16,672
Look, we can explain.
495
00:19:16,707 --> 00:19:18,433
Three-dollar bill, really,
you wrote that part down?
496
00:19:18,467 --> 00:19:19,503
We can explain.
497
00:19:19,537 --> 00:19:21,470
Allow us to, please,
if you don't mind.
498
00:19:21,505 --> 00:19:23,162
No need, we'll
see ourselves out.
499
00:19:23,196 --> 00:19:24,784
No, no, let them explain.
500
00:19:24,818 --> 00:19:26,993
No-no-no, we owe you
an apology, okay?
501
00:19:27,027 --> 00:19:28,339
All right, now.
502
00:19:28,374 --> 00:19:30,341
The reason why Lisa
wrote that list--
503
00:19:30,376 --> 00:19:31,411
Tony?
504
00:19:31,446 --> 00:19:32,585
Oh, I'm sorry,
you're right,
505
00:19:32,619 --> 00:19:34,034
we were supposed to
keep that between us.
506
00:19:34,069 --> 00:19:36,761
The reason why we, wink-wink,
wrote that list is because--
507
00:19:36,796 --> 00:19:40,489
I don't know how you
could let your wife
508
00:19:40,524 --> 00:19:45,770
say those terrible
things about me.
509
00:19:45,805 --> 00:19:49,188
If anybody's feelings were
hurt, we sincerely apologize.
510
00:19:49,222 --> 00:19:51,155
Son, I--
511
00:19:51,190 --> 00:19:52,743
Darius, let's go.
512
00:19:52,777 --> 00:19:54,089
Yes, dear.
513
00:19:54,123 --> 00:19:55,159
Well, I'm right
behind you
514
00:19:55,194 --> 00:19:57,437
'cause I got a -- at
the house anyway.
515
00:19:57,472 --> 00:20:01,407
Lisa, you've been jealous of
me since you were four days,
516
00:20:01,441 --> 00:20:02,787
four months old.
517
00:20:02,822 --> 00:20:05,894
Tony, can I borrow
ten dollars, it's happy hour.
518
00:20:05,928 --> 00:20:08,966
If you don't get your
little alcoholic self home.
519
00:20:11,900 --> 00:20:14,765
Come on, Donna.
520
00:20:14,799 --> 00:20:16,560
We're leaving, too.
521
00:20:22,738 --> 00:20:25,672
I would say goodbye, but it
would probably come off fake.
522
00:20:25,707 --> 00:20:26,846
Mom.
523
00:20:26,880 --> 00:20:29,607
I will not
forget this, Lisa.
524
00:20:29,642 --> 00:20:32,023
How dare you.
525
00:20:34,509 --> 00:20:35,579
Mom?
526
00:20:35,613 --> 00:20:36,821
[laughing]
527
00:20:36,856 --> 00:20:38,340
Vivian.
528
00:20:38,375 --> 00:20:40,549
Hmm, and that's
my clippity-clap.
529
00:20:45,174 --> 00:20:46,417
Bougie, huh?
530
00:20:46,452 --> 00:20:48,557
Well... if the shoe fits.
531
00:20:49,662 --> 00:20:50,663
That went well.
532
00:20:50,697 --> 00:20:51,767
OH, yeah, I think so.
533
00:20:56,358 --> 00:20:58,326
I had no idea it
would be so difficult
534
00:20:58,360 --> 00:21:00,914
choosing a legal guardian
for our kids.
535
00:21:00,949 --> 00:21:02,709
Well, I've decided.
536
00:21:02,744 --> 00:21:04,918
I think your parents should
be the legal guardians.
537
00:21:04,953 --> 00:21:05,954
What?
538
00:21:05,988 --> 00:21:07,956
Yeah, your daddy's
a judge.
539
00:21:07,990 --> 00:21:09,785
I mean, that'll come in handy
for Devin down the road.
540
00:21:09,820 --> 00:21:11,131
I was just about to say,
541
00:21:11,166 --> 00:21:13,513
I think your parents
should be the legal guardians.
542
00:21:13,548 --> 00:21:14,928
You don't even like my mama.
543
00:21:14,963 --> 00:21:16,344
Ebony is about to
be a teenager.
544
00:21:16,378 --> 00:21:17,345
Payback's a bitch.
545
00:21:17,379 --> 00:21:18,380
[chuckling]
546
00:21:18,415 --> 00:21:20,037
Okay, okay, how about this.
547
00:21:20,071 --> 00:21:23,627
How about we make both our
parents the legal guardians.
548
00:21:23,661 --> 00:21:26,733
You know what, that is the
best idea I've heard all day.
549
00:21:26,768 --> 00:21:29,909
Deal.Deal.
550
00:21:29,943 --> 00:21:34,016
Okay, now that that's
settled, Mr. President,
551
00:21:34,051 --> 00:21:35,604
you thinking
what I'm thinking?
552
00:21:35,639 --> 00:21:37,330
I'm thinking it's been
awful quiet around here
553
00:21:37,365 --> 00:21:39,712
since I was elected president
of the neighborhood watch.
554
00:21:39,746 --> 00:21:41,438
It's been
two days, Tony.
555
00:21:41,472 --> 00:21:44,233
Well, my first
term's off to a good start.
556
00:21:44,268 --> 00:21:47,306
Come here, first lady,
help me get sworn in.
557
00:21:52,518 --> 00:21:54,209
Ooh, girl.
40481
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