Original subtitles

[anthony] Oh, god, why? Lord, why?

Baby, you all right?

Baby, don't come in here, Lis'.

It's bad. I mean, it's real, real bad.

Should I call a doctor?

No, it's too late for that.

Wha--

[panting]

This is it. It's all down hill from here.

What are you talking about, Tony?

This is the big one.

I just had a conversation With the grim reaper.

Did you find a lump?

Worse.

Lisa, baby,

I just realized For the first time

We gettin' old.

No, you, You gettin' old.

I'm still gettin' hollered at In the grocery store, baby.

Ain't no-- Ain't no time for that.

What is the problem, tony? What are you talking about?

Baby, come sit down. What?

Promise me you won't leave me.

Now, that all depends.

Don't say "depends."

What? Okay, spit it out.

When I was in the shower,

I saw one.

What? A roach?

Worse.

A rat?

'cause we gonna have to move If you saw a rat.

Lisa don't do rats.

No, lisa...

I saw a gray.

Gray hair.

Down there.

Don't laugh. It ain't funny.

You had me thinking It was something serious.

So you found A gray pubic hair?

A gray hair today. Diapers and dentures tomorrow.

Baby, what is the big deal?

It's just one hair.

And that one hair has told me That the battle has begun.

Well, you know what? If it bothers you that much, Just pluck it out.

Just pluck it out.

Pluck that?

Mm-mm, I pluck one, it'll turn Into raider nation down there.

Who cares? Nobody's going to see it Anyway.

I'll know it's there.

Okay, you're being Ridiculous.

Lisa, I need you to promise me That you won't tell anybody.

Who am I gonna tell?

I know how you get with your Little cackling-ass sisters,

And as soon as they know, The whole family will know.

They spread Faster than twitter.

[chuckles]

What are you doing?

Finding my knife.

What, you gonna cut it off?

We gonna make a blood pact. Give me your finger.

Tony!

Okay, whoa, you're being Ridiculous, okay?

I'm gonna go downstairs.

Come on and eat When you done going Through "man-opause."

Go ahead. Keep laughing.

Ain't gonna be so funny

When you start sagging Lower than your son's pants.

* [theme]

* woke up And my wife said to me *

* the bill collectors Want their fees *

* kids keep talkin' back To me *

* family time

* scrub the dishes, Take out the trash *

* history homework, Sometimes the math *

* the kids are gone, We're free at last *

* family time

* family time, family time

* family time * family time!

* family time, family time

* family time

* sing it again

* family time, family time * family time!

* family time

* oh, yeah, yeah, Yeah, yeah, yeah! *

Uh, lori, ain't it A bit early for that?

Mind your business, Rachel.

[scoffs] Whatever, drunken smurf. I am tired--

Oh, oh, oh, I'm loving that bag, sis.

Where'd you get it?

This old thing.

I think I bought This one in milan.

Yes, on one of many romps Overseas.

Oh. [sighs]

Yeah, I think I seen That same bag

In one of my many romps Over to the outlets.

Whatever. I know my bag is fly,

Me and-- [clears throat]

Angie bassett.

Mm-hm. Angela bassett.

Yes, we were at them, um, Premiere after-party of hers,

And she had the same one.

We were like, "what?" I said, "what?" She said, "what?"

So what? It's, like, who cares?

[together] It's, like, who cares?

Jealousy, jealousy.

What up, peeps? Y'all chillin'?

Young "a" in the building. Holla.

Unbelievable.

What in the hell Do you have on?

Your clothes. What you do, rob lil weezy?

[laughing]

All he needs is the grill.

Okay, that would be funny.

Whatcha mean, like this?

Yeah. I know I look good.

Yeah, gray is definitely Your color. [laughs]

What the hell's That supposed to mean?

It doesn't mean anything. It was just a bad choice Of words.

What did lisa tell you?

Take it easy, t-pain.

We would never talk about you Behind your back.

Always to your grill.

I must admit that your Paranoia's got me intrigued.

What's got you so freaked out?

Like you don't already know.

Talk about "gray's Really your color."

Lisa, can I talk to you For a second?

[whispers] Stop.

You told them. I didn't tell them anything.

See, I knew You couldn't hold water.

If I can't trust you To keep a secret,

We're going to have A real problem.

Okay, tony, you're being Real ridiculous.

You come up in here dressed Like soulja boy,

And we got a problem?

No, you got a problem.

Look. Check the mirror.

Is everything all right? 'cause you know I will.

He's just trippin'. He's all right.

Oh, I'm trippin'.

Okay, tony, nobody's trippin' Off you.

Okay, then why were you all Whispering when I came up In here?

What? You know what? That's fine.

Y'all wanna tell secrets? That's cool.

It's cool. We can tell some secrets.

Let's not start.

No, no, no, We already started.

Lori, did you know That lisa told me

That you couldn't pass The bar

Because you Couldn't pass the bar?

Oh. You told him that?

Sure did. [lisa] He's my husband.

I don't care.

That's not all she told me.

She also told me About your little boy toy.

All-star weekend, vegas?

At least get a baller, Not a busboy.

Baby, you didn't.

Stop.

Uh-uh, I know you all Gonna laugh.

You're gonna-- you-- You wanna laugh.

Okay, ya grin, ya in.

Hey, y-y-yeah, tony.

Did she tell you this one Has been hitting them poles?

Yeah, just trying to make Some extra change.

Been shaking your ass For the cash, girl?

I knew it. [rachel] No, you didn't.

Lisa, you see What you started?

I did not start this, okay?

Tony started this

Because he thought I told You guys he's got gray pubes.

Ugh. Ugh.

One gray pube.

Enough! Enough!

I have heard enough.

Give me my fancy bag. I am out of here, people.

I swear.

How do I get out of here?

Lori. Lori.

Well, dang, I didn't tell them Everything about pepe.

Yes, you did.

You know what? I'm gonna get out of here, too.

Hm, and get that Morning shift in, uh?

Whatever, reverend run.

Don't act like that.

[rachel] Thanks a lot, lisa.

Call me.

What's for lunch?

Hand me that bread.

That's what I'm talkin' about.

Hungry as hell.

That's what's for lunch!

You-- ooh, you start So much damn trouble.

You better Stop throwing stuff.

[chattering on tv]

I was wondering if you And the kids want to get Something to eat,

Maybe catch a movie.

You completely embarrassed me.

What if my sisters Never talk to me again?

What about me?

You promised me You'd keep my secret.

I did.

Then why was everybody laughing When I walked in the kitchen?

We were laughing Because you walked in

Looking like a 14-year-old Jcpenney model.

Whatever. Just admit it.

I know you told them.

Tony, I didn't say anything Until you came in

Acting a fool.

You need to apologize to me And to my sisters.

[scoffs] Please.

Not until you admit That you did tell them.

I've always been honest With you, tony,

So if you don't believe me, Mm-mm-mm,

Maybe we need to re-evaluate.

Maybe we do.

[scoffs] Fine.

Fine.

Where you going, the gym?

I'm going to my mama's house. Okay?

It's very clear.

You need a time out.

Time out? I'm a grown-ass man.

Lisa. Lisa, quit playing.

I know you ain't driving To your mama's house

At this time of night.

Lisa, I know you playing.

I ain't chasing after you.

Lisa. [front door slams]

Lisa!

This is all your fault.

Damn, is that another one?

[doorbell ringing]

[knocking on door]

[doorbell, knocking continues]

[ebony] Daddy, who's at the door?

[knocking continues]

Daddy, who's at the door?

Ton', ton', what up, baby?

We done came up. I got two tickets To the lakers game,

Third row. What's up?

What? Are you in?

Hell yeah. What time we gotta be there?

Man, we got 20 minutes. Hustle up.

Daddy, would you just answer The-- oh.

Damn, I forgot. Gotta take care of the kids.

Ebony got ballet, And the boy got boy scouts.

Man, where their mama at?

You know, besides lovemaking,

There's other ways you can get Your money worth.

I ain't talked to her For a minute, man. She--

Lisa left me. She gone.

Gone gone?

Gone gone.

Back to the club gone?

She ain't that gone. Oh.

Man, that explains Why it looks like

An episode of sanford and son Up in here.

Man, what happened? Talk to me.

It's too much to get into Right now.

It's sort of a gray area.

I don't want the kids To know too much.

I'm gonna have to pass On the game, dawg.

I feel you, man.

Hey. Hey, you think lisa Would wanna go?

Hey, better me than one Of them little gang bangers.

[muttering]

Oh, before you go, man.

Yeah, what's up?

Hey, sis, what are you doing?

Nothing much, sis.

Just hanging up In your face.

No, this heifer did not Just hang up on me.

Oh, she is doing the most.

[sighs]

Rachel.

Lisa, What do you want?

I wanna talk to my sister. That's what I want.

You wanna talk to your sister

Or talk about her behind her Back to your immature-ass Husband?

Think you've done Enough talking.

Oh, my goodness,

I didn't even say nothing About you.

Yeah, yeah. You know what? You're right.

You didn't say nothing About me,

But you did start a family feud Between both of your sisters,

And if you think I'm pissed,

You don't even want To call lori

Because she is pissed off

To the highest pissed-ivity.

Okay, yeah, I already know.

She won't even pick up The phone

When I call.

You know how she is.

And we all know how you are, Miss mouth almighty.

You never could hold water.

Okay, all right, I get it.

Dang.

Look, I was just calling To say I'm sorry,

And I love you.

[sighs] Man, you know I can't resist you

When you all sweet and stuff.

I accept your apology,

But just next time, just keep Your damn lips zipped.

Oh, not to worry.

Where are you anyway?

Just out and about Running some errands for mom.

For mom?

Mm-hm, I'm staying At her and dad's...

Temporarily.

What do you call yourself, Leaving tony or something?

I don't know. No.

I just gotta call his bluff.

But where are the kids?

With him. He needs to learn To appreciate mama.

Wow, I didn't know It got to all that.

Yep.

I'm sure it'll all boil Over soon.

Yeah, it will. Just a little pillow talk That got out of control.

I mean, and to think It was all over one Little measly gray hair.

Okay, okay, that's enough About hearing

About your old-ass husband's Crotch talk.

That's how we got here In the first place.

It's none of my business. Ugh.

[laughs]

Love you, sis.

I love you, too, sis.

Now, go on and call Your other sister

Before she start a boycott On your front lawn.

She wouldn't do that, Would she?

Dad, I need you To iron my shirt. I got a boy scout meeting.

I don't even know What an iron is.

Can't you do it yourself?

I don't know how.

You can make a slipknot, But you can't iron a shirt?

Dad, I need my hair done.

Okay, devin, you do the hair. I'll iron the shirt.

Devin don't do hair.

You don't do hair. You don't iron shirts. What do you do?

Sit down, baby.

Ow! What are you going?

I'm sorry, baby.

Dad, the oatmeal's burning.

Look out. Look--

Uh, dad? Hmm?

That's a comb. [phone ringing]

Well, now it's a spoon.

You're a boy scout. You should know how to Improvise.

[ringing continues]

Hello. Oh, hey, lis'.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah. No, everything's Under control.

Mm-hmm.

D-dad! The stove's on fire!

Hold on a second, lis'.

All right, thank you. Talk to your mama.

Take it in the other room, And don't tell her nothing.

Hello, mom.

Mm-hmm, that's your husband.

Okay, where were we? My hair.

Oh, right, right. Um, you got any hair grease?

No.

Yeah, this'll work.

Nuh-uh, not on my hair.

I'm going next door, So briana can do my hair.

[anthony] All right.

You know what, dad? I'll go with her.

Briana's fine. She might like A man in a uniform.

Damn, lisa, bring Your ass back home.

[knock on door]

Go away.

Boy, doing all right Down here.

[chuckling]

Hey, dad.

[sniffs] Hm.

When's the last time You showered, son?

My wife left me. Why should I shower?

How'd you get in here anyway?

Boy, you know how many times Your mama locked me out?

I could break into a bank.

I think she's gone For good, pop.

Wow, just took three months In this neighborhood For you to go soft.

You here to cheer me up Or throw hot grits on me?

I actually came over here

To get away from your mama.

You know she's on one.

What happened this time?

Well, she got mad at me

Because she said That I was checking out The pretty little young thing

At the drive-through.

Were you?

Yeah.

What else Are these eyes for, huh?

She threaten to poison you Again?

No, she was nice to me

Because it's our anniversary.

Oh, that's right. Happy anniversary.

Forty-one long years.

So, now, what's up With you and lisa?

I told one of her secrets.

What did you go And do that for?

Just got caught up In the moment.

What was the secret?

She told me that her sister--

Yeah, yeah, you see, fool, That's where you went wrong.

You talk too much.

I don't know what to do, pop.

Yeah.

Been there, done that. [chuckles]

She'll wander back eventually.

She'll miss the kids.

Have you even met Our kids?

Where are they, anyway?

Mm-mm-mm.

Haven't seen them In a couple of days,

And my debit card's missing.

Wow, you are falling apart.

Listen, son.

Women are suckers for gifts.

Yeah, especially flowers, Candy,

Anything that's not reusable, Basically,

So do what I do.

Get on out of here And go on down To the freeway exit.

Get yourself Some red roses and oranges.

While you're there, Pick up me a pack of socks.

Now, go on upstairs And wash your ass.

Anthony. Anthony, I'm here.

What's the big emergency?

* [soft]

Hell no.

I know you didn't call me Over here for this.

Okay, lisa, look, Before you leave again,

I just want to say That I'm sorry for putting My foot in my mouth,

And I should've know that You wouldn't have divulged

One of our secrets.

Okay, I got A little confession I have to make.

Okay.

I did tell them About your gray hair.

You didn't.

I did.

Damn it, woman, Then what the hell Was all this about?

I got offended that You didn't believe me.

Then I just-- I don't know. It just got out of hand.

I started to believe it, too.

[chuckles] This is crazy. I mean, look at us.

We are way too old to be Playing these games.

No, you're too old.

See, now, that's How this got started.

So what's up? You gonna come back or what?

I don't know, tony. I just don't know.

I mean, this has just been So heavy on my heart,

So difficult.

[sighs] I don't know.

Why do I fell like I'm In the middle of a scene

From what's love Got to do with it?

Yeah, you wanna laugh. Go ahead, laugh.

Let it out.

Look, if not for me, Come back for the kids.

They miss you. "where's mom at? Where--"

Baby, I miss you, too. Please come back.

Okay, tony, get up.

You know I got my bags In the car.

You know I'm coming back.

But not for you. For the kids.

Fair enough.

Where are they, anyway?

What? I-- I thought They was with you.

No.

Uh, they probably Next door.

Probably? Probably next door-- Where are my kids?

Let me go check. What do you mean, "probably"?

I'm sure they're there-- Devin! Ebony!

What was your father cooking In here?

Oatmeal.

Looks more like stucco.

I know.

Might as well throw This pot away.

Can't use this anymore. Mm-mm.

Dad, why I gotta carry All the heavy groceries?

That's why I created you, boy.

Make life easier on me.

Did you get the creamer?

Yes, dear. Parmesan cheese?

Yes, dear. Yes.

Did you get me my ice cream?

Yes, dear. It's in the bag.

What is this? Hair dye?

Give me that.