subtitlecat.com

All language subtitles for Daddy.Issues.2024.S01E05.Man.Mess.1080p.WEBRip.x264-CBFM[EZTVx.to]_Track03

Afrikaans

Akan

Albanian

Amharic

Arabic

Armenian

Azerbaijani

Basque

Belarusian

Bemba

Bengali

Bihari

Bosnian

Breton

Bulgarian

Cambodian

Catalan

Cebuano

Cherokee

Chichewa

Chinese (Simplified)

Chinese (Traditional)

Corsican

Croatian

Czech

Danish

Dutch

English

Esperanto

Estonian

Ewe

Faroese

Filipino

Finnish

French

Frisian

Galician

Georgian

German

Greek

Guarani

Gujarati

Haitian Creole

Hausa

Hawaiian

Hebrew

Hindi

Hmong

Hungarian

Icelandic

Igbo

Indonesian

Interlingua

Irish

Italian

Japanese

Javanese

Kannada

Kazakh

Kinyarwanda

Kirundi

Kongo

Korean

Krio (Sierra Leone)

Kurdish

Kurdish (Soranî)

Kyrgyz

Laothian

Latin

Latvian

Lingala

Lithuanian

Lozi

Luganda

Luo

Luxembourgish

Macedonian

Malagasy

Malay

Malayalam

Maltese

Maori

Marathi

Mauritian Creole

Moldavian

Mongolian

Myanmar (Burmese)

Montenegrin

Nepali

Nigerian Pidgin

Northern Sotho

Norwegian

Norwegian (Nynorsk)

Occitan

Oriya

Oromo

Pashto

Persian

Polish

Portuguese (Brazil)

Portuguese (Portugal)

Punjabi

Quechua

Romanian

Romansh

Runyakitara

Russian

Samoan

Scots Gaelic

Serbian

Serbo-Croatian

Sesotho

Setswana

Seychellois Creole

Shona

Sindhi

Sinhalese

Slovak

Slovenian

Somali

Spanish

Spanish (Latin American)

Sundanese

Swahili

Swedish

Tajik

Tamil

Tatar

Telugu

Thai

Tigrinya

Tonga

Tshiluba

Tumbuka

Turkish

Turkmen

Twi

Uighur

Ukrainian

Urdu

Uzbek

Vietnamese

Welsh

Wolof

Xhosa

Yiddish

Yoruba

Zulu

Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:02,440 --> 00:00:04,560 CHILDREN CHATTER 2 00:00:12,760 --> 00:00:15,880 You need to think very carefully about where you take your kids. 3 00:00:15,880 --> 00:00:18,800 The soft play in town, for example, is absolutely disgusting. 4 00:00:18,800 --> 00:00:20,520 How disgusting? 5 00:00:20,520 --> 00:00:23,840 I once found a very small, very dead octopus in the ball pit. 6 00:00:23,840 --> 00:00:26,160 Jesus! Whereas this place... 7 00:00:26,160 --> 00:00:28,280 ..full of rich wankers and their rich wanker kids. 8 00:00:29,440 --> 00:00:32,560 Hah! Limp twat doesn't stand a chance against my two. 9 00:00:32,560 --> 00:00:35,640 Hey. You can't talk about someone else's child like that. 10 00:00:35,640 --> 00:00:38,520 Even if they are dressed like a member of the Hitler Youth. 11 00:00:38,520 --> 00:00:41,600 Excuse me. Your children are throwing things at Berty. 12 00:00:41,600 --> 00:00:43,600 Aww, poor Berty. 13 00:00:43,600 --> 00:00:45,480 No, Berty's my son. 14 00:00:45,480 --> 00:00:46,920 Oh. 15 00:00:46,920 --> 00:00:49,800 And now they've tricked him into eating Play-Doh! 16 00:00:49,800 --> 00:00:51,120 That is a criminal offence. 17 00:00:51,120 --> 00:00:52,640 Oh... I don't think it is, actually. 18 00:00:52,640 --> 00:00:55,320 So sod off back to Waitrose, yeah? Everything OK? 19 00:00:57,360 --> 00:00:59,080 Ben? 20 00:01:02,760 --> 00:01:04,520 Shit. 21 00:01:07,640 --> 00:01:09,120 You know her, Ben? 22 00:01:09,120 --> 00:01:12,120 Yep. Er, we know each other through work. 23 00:01:12,120 --> 00:01:15,920 Yes! Gemma was involved in the takeover. 24 00:01:15,920 --> 00:01:19,440 I don't recall you being mentioned. What was your role? 25 00:01:19,440 --> 00:01:21,520 I was the getaway driver. 26 00:01:21,520 --> 00:01:22,560 HE LAUGHS 27 00:01:22,560 --> 00:01:25,640 Er, Gemma was partnered with Sebastian Ford. 28 00:01:25,640 --> 00:01:27,920 Oh. You worked with Seb? 29 00:01:27,920 --> 00:01:31,320 Well, that must have been so difficult for you. 30 00:01:31,320 --> 00:01:32,680 Oof. Well, let me tell you... 31 00:01:32,680 --> 00:01:34,240 Gemma, it has been so great to see you again. 32 00:01:34,240 --> 00:01:36,120 Mummy! Oh, excuse me, please. 33 00:01:36,120 --> 00:01:37,960 Darling, what's happened? 34 00:01:40,200 --> 00:01:42,200 Yeah, it's great to see you too, Ben. 35 00:01:42,200 --> 00:01:44,600 It's been what, eight months? 36 00:01:48,640 --> 00:01:51,920 Holy shit! 37 00:01:51,920 --> 00:01:53,760 We should exchange contact details. 38 00:01:53,760 --> 00:01:55,640 No, we really don't have to. 39 00:01:55,640 --> 00:01:59,720 For God's sake, Ben. He's covered in juice, again! 40 00:01:59,720 --> 00:02:01,600 Well, it's your turn to clean him up. 41 00:02:01,600 --> 00:02:03,600 SHE MIMICS HIM 42 00:02:01,600 --> 00:02:03,600 Cocksucker. 43 00:02:03,600 --> 00:02:04,960 Come on... 44 00:02:04,960 --> 00:02:07,240 Er, can we just...? 45 00:02:07,240 --> 00:02:09,360 One sec. OK. 46 00:02:09,360 --> 00:02:13,080 Fucking put that down! It's not your dog! Er, so... 47 00:02:14,920 --> 00:02:18,360 ..is it mine? Yes. Congratulations. 48 00:02:18,360 --> 00:02:19,960 I finished in the sink! 49 00:02:21,880 --> 00:02:24,960 Look, please, please just don't say anything to Allegra, just for now. 50 00:02:24,960 --> 00:02:26,200 Like, do you want money? 51 00:02:26,200 --> 00:02:28,400 I can PayPal you money right now. Piss off! 52 00:02:28,400 --> 00:02:30,160 Sorry! I just... 53 00:02:30,160 --> 00:02:31,800 It's a lot. 54 00:02:31,800 --> 00:02:33,120 Mm. 55 00:02:33,120 --> 00:02:35,120 Can I have your number? 56 00:02:35,120 --> 00:02:36,440 Fine. 57 00:02:39,280 --> 00:02:41,320 Mummy wants us to pop by. If you think you can get 58 00:02:41,320 --> 00:02:44,200 the Defender up her driveway without hitting anything this time. 59 00:02:45,360 --> 00:02:47,000 Well, good luck with the baby 60 00:02:47,000 --> 00:02:49,400 and, erm, give our regards to Seb! Will do. 61 00:02:49,400 --> 00:02:52,000 Come on, Berty, this way. Can you open the door, please? 62 00:02:53,960 --> 00:02:56,120 Is kissing him like getting off with a giraffe? 63 00:02:56,120 --> 00:02:58,200 That's the first question you want to ask me? 64 00:03:00,400 --> 00:03:02,280 So what are you going to do? 65 00:03:02,280 --> 00:03:03,600 Nothing! 66 00:03:03,600 --> 00:03:06,120 Ugh! God, he's a liar and a cheat, 67 00:03:06,120 --> 00:03:08,680 and judging by the size of that baby he was holding, 68 00:03:08,680 --> 00:03:11,680 Allegra was very pregnant when we...met. 69 00:03:11,680 --> 00:03:12,880 Where did you meet him? 70 00:03:12,880 --> 00:03:13,960 In a toilet. 71 00:03:13,960 --> 00:03:16,200 Oh, romantic. 72 00:03:17,440 --> 00:03:19,440 I mean, there's no way I'll hear from him again. 73 00:03:19,440 --> 00:03:20,880 PHONE VIBRATES 74 00:03:22,640 --> 00:03:24,920 It's Ben. He says he wants to talk. 75 00:03:26,120 --> 00:03:27,640 Malcolm, what the fuck is this? 76 00:03:27,640 --> 00:03:29,480 I got those from the charity shop. 77 00:03:29,480 --> 00:03:32,760 They're DVDs I used to watch with the girls when they were little. 78 00:03:32,760 --> 00:03:34,320 Ballykissangel? Boring. 79 00:03:34,320 --> 00:03:36,160 Grey's Anatomy? Boring. 80 00:03:36,160 --> 00:03:37,800 Lovejoy? Fantastic! 81 00:03:37,800 --> 00:03:39,280 The Shining? 82 00:03:39,280 --> 00:03:41,040 Yeah. It's about a little boy, isn't it? 83 00:03:41,040 --> 00:03:43,120 Yeah, whose dad tries to murder him with an axe. 84 00:03:43,120 --> 00:03:45,600 Malcolm, you watched this with your kids? Yeah. 85 00:03:45,600 --> 00:03:47,240 Wednesday night was film night. 86 00:03:47,240 --> 00:03:48,440 HE LAUGHS 87 00:03:48,440 --> 00:03:50,680 Why don't you just dig out your actual DVDs? 88 00:03:50,680 --> 00:03:52,640 Davina gave them away to the cat shelter 89 00:03:52,640 --> 00:03:53,760 when she got rid of the house. 90 00:03:53,760 --> 00:03:55,680 You know, not for the cats to watch, obviously. 91 00:03:55,680 --> 00:03:57,760 Because they just watch snooker, don't they? 92 00:03:57,760 --> 00:04:01,160 Wait. Your ex-wife gave away all your stuff? 93 00:04:01,160 --> 00:04:03,640 Well, she left some of the girls' stuff up in the loft. 94 00:04:03,640 --> 00:04:06,040 You know, baby photos and toys, and stuff like that. 95 00:04:06,040 --> 00:04:08,560 I was supposed to go round and collect them but I just, er... 96 00:04:09,760 --> 00:04:12,880 I couldn't. Dad, this box was outside the flat. 97 00:04:12,880 --> 00:04:15,760 Which I guess means you haven't asked Baris to fix the intercom yet. 98 00:04:15,760 --> 00:04:18,840 Look! Got these DVDs for the baby! 99 00:04:18,840 --> 00:04:21,320 No. My baby's not watching The Shining. 100 00:04:21,320 --> 00:04:23,520 That's why Catherine's so messed up. 101 00:04:23,520 --> 00:04:26,240 Ooh, speak of the devil. 102 00:04:26,240 --> 00:04:28,720 I know you find aggressive women terrifying, 103 00:04:28,720 --> 00:04:31,480 but you need to go and visit her. Not this again. 104 00:04:31,480 --> 00:04:33,760 Look, I don't like going either, but at least take her 105 00:04:33,760 --> 00:04:36,560 a Christmas present. A big Toblerone or something? 106 00:04:36,560 --> 00:04:39,280 Look, I got this for you. Well, for the little one. 107 00:04:39,280 --> 00:04:43,560 Will you stop buying random crap and just do the stuff I ask you to do? 108 00:04:43,560 --> 00:04:47,240 Er, now, Gemma, I do think you're being a bit tough on Malcolm here. 109 00:04:47,240 --> 00:04:51,600 I'm just saying, you know, I know how hard it is being pregnant. 110 00:04:51,600 --> 00:04:54,280 Oh, you do, do you? Uh-huh. 111 00:04:54,280 --> 00:04:55,920 Is your bladder the side of a peanut? 112 00:04:55,920 --> 00:04:58,000 Does your pelvis feel like it's going to snap in half? 113 00:04:58,000 --> 00:04:59,040 Are your tits so swollen 114 00:04:59,040 --> 00:05:01,000 it's like two kettlebells are strapped to your chest? 115 00:05:01,000 --> 00:05:03,840 No. But I do remember what a massive bitch my wife was. 116 00:05:03,840 --> 00:05:06,720 Look at this! I got all this for a fiver off eBay. 117 00:05:06,720 --> 00:05:08,640 Look! 118 00:05:06,720 --> 00:05:08,640 SHE SIGHS 119 00:05:08,640 --> 00:05:10,640 Yeah, just once round in the washing machine 120 00:05:10,640 --> 00:05:14,000 and give 'em a bit of a scrub and they'll be fine. Oh, Dad... 121 00:05:14,000 --> 00:05:16,880 Just pop 'em in here. 122 00:05:16,880 --> 00:05:18,880 THEY RETCH 123 00:05:22,400 --> 00:05:24,160 Ugh! 124 00:05:24,160 --> 00:05:26,280 Thank you for agreeing to meet me. 125 00:05:26,280 --> 00:05:28,440 I'm not going to tell her, by the way. 126 00:05:28,440 --> 00:05:30,400 That's very decent of you. 127 00:05:30,400 --> 00:05:32,320 I'm not trying to be decent. 128 00:05:32,320 --> 00:05:35,360 I just don't need the drama of blowing up someone else's life. 129 00:05:35,360 --> 00:05:37,840 So Allegra is your girlfriend? 130 00:05:37,840 --> 00:05:39,080 Wife. 131 00:05:40,240 --> 00:05:41,720 No ring? 132 00:05:41,720 --> 00:05:44,920 Well, my grandfather was degloved aboard The Prince of Wales. 133 00:05:44,920 --> 00:05:46,240 Degloved? 134 00:05:46,240 --> 00:05:48,760 Degloved is when the ring is caught and.. 135 00:05:48,760 --> 00:05:51,880 and the skin is sort of pulled off the flesh. 136 00:05:51,880 --> 00:05:55,040 Gristle and bone. Mm-hm. Well, none of the men in my family wear one. 137 00:05:55,040 --> 00:06:00,160 It's kind of like a fun family tradition slash horrible obsession. 138 00:06:00,160 --> 00:06:02,760 Wow! I was going to ask if there were 139 00:06:02,760 --> 00:06:04,960 any hereditary illnesses I needed to know about, 140 00:06:04,960 --> 00:06:07,800 but I didn't expect to hear about fingers being torn off. 141 00:06:07,800 --> 00:06:10,680 It's not the whole fingers. Just the skin. Oh, course. 142 00:06:10,680 --> 00:06:12,760 So I thought you might like to see these. 143 00:06:12,760 --> 00:06:15,560 Just to give you some sort of indication of what you're carrying. 144 00:06:15,560 --> 00:06:18,760 That is such a weird way of putting it, thank you. 145 00:06:18,760 --> 00:06:21,120 God, Berty looks nothing like you. 146 00:06:21,120 --> 00:06:22,960 He... He's all Allegra. 147 00:06:24,360 --> 00:06:26,640 She has very strong genes. 148 00:06:28,440 --> 00:06:30,760 Whoa. Big house. 149 00:06:30,760 --> 00:06:33,840 Yeah. Or too big. I mean, I once nearly starved to death 150 00:06:33,840 --> 00:06:35,640 playing a game of hide and seek. 151 00:06:35,640 --> 00:06:37,480 Took days to find me. 152 00:06:37,480 --> 00:06:39,080 SHE LAUGHS 153 00:06:39,080 --> 00:06:40,200 Taxi! 154 00:06:40,200 --> 00:06:43,240 Oh... Thank you. 155 00:06:43,240 --> 00:06:46,520 Well, that was the best £45 bowl of pasta I've ever had. 156 00:06:46,520 --> 00:06:48,440 Oh, it's the least I could do. 157 00:06:48,440 --> 00:06:51,880 Yeah, considering the next 18 years are on me. 158 00:06:51,880 --> 00:06:55,880 Well, maybe I can send you some items to help? Er... 159 00:06:55,880 --> 00:06:58,400 Clothes? Pram? A nanny? 160 00:06:58,400 --> 00:07:00,000 It's a joke. 161 00:07:00,000 --> 00:07:02,280 It's technically people trafficking, so... 162 00:07:02,280 --> 00:07:04,560 Give me your phone. Sure. 163 00:07:04,560 --> 00:07:05,920 Sorry. 164 00:07:07,200 --> 00:07:09,440 My address. 165 00:07:09,440 --> 00:07:11,600 Inanimate objects only. OK. 166 00:07:11,600 --> 00:07:15,320 I'll let you know when the baby arrives. Yeah, that'd be...great. 167 00:07:18,240 --> 00:07:21,360 Thank you. Thanks. You can keep the coat. 168 00:07:21,360 --> 00:07:23,040 Oh! No, that was a joke. 169 00:07:23,040 --> 00:07:24,840 It's quite cold. Yeah. 170 00:07:26,320 --> 00:07:29,760 Thank you. Thank you. See you. See you. 171 00:07:45,000 --> 00:07:46,840 Oh, how was the film? 172 00:07:46,840 --> 00:07:49,360 Yeah, better than I was expecting. Good. 173 00:07:49,360 --> 00:07:51,840 Dad, have you got any baby photos of me and Catherine? 174 00:07:51,840 --> 00:07:55,200 Oh...no. I didn't take much with me, you know, 175 00:07:55,200 --> 00:07:58,400 after I found your mum humping that guy who sold sponges door-to-door. 176 00:07:58,400 --> 00:08:00,840 OK. Hey, but I... I know where they are, though. 177 00:08:00,840 --> 00:08:02,360 They're up in the loft of the old house. 178 00:08:02,360 --> 00:08:03,600 I could pop round and get them. 179 00:08:03,600 --> 00:08:05,760 I'm sure the people who've moved in won't mind. 180 00:08:05,760 --> 00:08:06,840 That's OK... 181 00:08:09,880 --> 00:08:11,200 HE KNOCKS 182 00:08:14,120 --> 00:08:16,800 What? Kenny Tugger? Malcolm Moscrip. 183 00:08:16,800 --> 00:08:18,440 You bought this house from me. 184 00:08:18,440 --> 00:08:20,680 Well, not from me, no, from Davina, from my wife. 185 00:08:20,680 --> 00:08:23,320 I mean, you would have dealt with my wife, you see. Mum! 186 00:08:23,320 --> 00:08:24,880 Wait a minute! 187 00:08:24,880 --> 00:08:28,360 Oh. This one said he used to own the house. Yeah. 188 00:08:28,360 --> 00:08:32,680 Er, I don't think my wife cleared out the loft before you moved in. 189 00:08:32,680 --> 00:08:34,120 We fucking know she didn't. 190 00:08:34,120 --> 00:08:37,280 People who sell houses and leave loads of shit in the loft are scum. 191 00:08:37,280 --> 00:08:39,520 You...are scum. 192 00:08:40,520 --> 00:08:43,120 Yeah. I couldn't go up and get some boxes, could I? 193 00:08:43,120 --> 00:08:44,640 No! Piss off! 194 00:08:44,640 --> 00:08:48,600 And get your fucking mail redirected. 195 00:08:58,280 --> 00:09:01,360 Oh, Jesus! 196 00:09:01,360 --> 00:09:03,360 Hey, what are you doing? 197 00:09:03,360 --> 00:09:06,080 Oh, come on. No, no. They just... 198 00:09:06,080 --> 00:09:08,160 They just need a bit of elbow grease, don't they? 199 00:09:08,160 --> 00:09:09,560 They'll be as good as new. 200 00:09:09,560 --> 00:09:12,200 Dad, have you arranged a date to visit Catherine yet? 201 00:09:12,200 --> 00:09:14,840 It's not going to be as scary as you think it is. 202 00:09:14,840 --> 00:09:17,640 I'm not scared of seeing my own daughter, Gemma. OK. 203 00:09:17,640 --> 00:09:19,000 DOOR BUZZER 204 00:09:21,280 --> 00:09:22,440 Hello? 205 00:09:22,440 --> 00:09:25,080 STATIC CRACKLES 206 00:09:22,440 --> 00:09:25,080 Dad! 207 00:09:25,080 --> 00:09:27,360 Oh, yeah. It's on... It's on my list, sorry. 208 00:09:29,320 --> 00:09:30,640 Fuckin' 'ell... 209 00:09:46,440 --> 00:09:48,120 I can't stop thinking about you. 210 00:09:50,320 --> 00:09:52,520 Did your wife forget to pack your umbrella? 211 00:10:01,400 --> 00:10:02,880 Dad? 212 00:10:02,880 --> 00:10:06,040 Hey, hey. Ta-da! 213 00:10:02,880 --> 00:10:06,040 HE LAUGHS 214 00:10:06,040 --> 00:10:08,360 Obviously we'll sew it before we put the sprog in it. 215 00:10:08,360 --> 00:10:10,960 The staples are just for demonstration. 216 00:10:10,960 --> 00:10:12,560 Good, eh? Yeah. 217 00:10:12,560 --> 00:10:17,200 Er, Ben... Hi. ..this is my dad, Malcolm. 218 00:10:17,200 --> 00:10:18,920 Dad, this is Ben. Yeah. 219 00:10:18,920 --> 00:10:20,520 He's the baby's father. 220 00:10:20,520 --> 00:10:22,240 Yes. 221 00:10:22,240 --> 00:10:23,880 Er, it's a... 222 00:10:23,880 --> 00:10:26,480 It's a pleasure to meet you, Malcolm. Yeah. 223 00:10:29,160 --> 00:10:31,960 Would you like some kitchen roll for your hair? 224 00:10:33,560 --> 00:10:34,960 Er...yeah. 225 00:10:34,960 --> 00:10:36,320 Yes, thank you. 226 00:10:36,320 --> 00:10:38,040 Well... 227 00:10:38,040 --> 00:10:41,640 Please, just try and be a bit less weird. What do you mean? 228 00:10:41,640 --> 00:10:43,720 Kitchen roll for his hair? 229 00:10:43,720 --> 00:10:46,600 Well, he was wet, and this is super absorbent. 230 00:10:46,600 --> 00:10:48,320 I can go if it's a bad time? 231 00:10:48,320 --> 00:10:50,000 No. No. OK, good. 232 00:10:50,000 --> 00:10:51,920 Cos I'm... I'm quite cold. 233 00:10:51,920 --> 00:10:53,040 It's nice to finally meet 234 00:10:53,040 --> 00:10:55,120 one of your boyfriends, eh, Gemma? He's not my boyfriend. 235 00:10:55,120 --> 00:10:57,480 I don't suppose you've got a spare jumper I could borrow, do you? 236 00:10:57,480 --> 00:10:59,920 Er, yeah, Dad'll have one. Yes. 237 00:10:59,920 --> 00:11:02,920 Yes, I'll endeavour to find one. Great. 238 00:11:04,040 --> 00:11:05,120 Endeavour?! 239 00:11:06,480 --> 00:11:08,040 That's good for him. 240 00:11:08,040 --> 00:11:10,920 Want these? Oh, yeah. Thanks. Cheers. 241 00:11:16,240 --> 00:11:19,520 Er, the nursery looks... 242 00:11:19,520 --> 00:11:21,120 Looks lovely. Mm. 243 00:11:21,120 --> 00:11:22,960 Yeah, my dad decorated it. 244 00:11:22,960 --> 00:11:26,680 He lives with me, by the way. Right. 245 00:11:26,680 --> 00:11:29,360 You probably gathered. Yes. 246 00:11:29,360 --> 00:11:31,600 Looks great. Thank you. 247 00:11:31,600 --> 00:11:36,200 Yeah, my mum left and neither of us can afford... 248 00:11:48,000 --> 00:11:51,440 Here we go. Ooh! No, keep going. I'll just pop these on the bed. 249 00:11:51,440 --> 00:11:52,720 Thank you. 250 00:11:54,000 --> 00:11:55,280 Good? Yeah. 251 00:11:55,280 --> 00:11:57,560 I made them myself. Yesterday. 252 00:11:57,560 --> 00:12:00,280 I mean, they've been in the fridge but, erm, 253 00:12:00,280 --> 00:12:03,600 I find that's more to my taste. Lovely. 254 00:12:03,600 --> 00:12:04,880 Thanks, Dad. 255 00:12:04,880 --> 00:12:06,240 Right, yeah. 256 00:12:09,720 --> 00:12:11,680 You should probably go. I should... 257 00:12:12,920 --> 00:12:14,360 ..but I really don't want to. 258 00:12:15,880 --> 00:12:20,640 Plus, fridge spuds are my favourite food. 259 00:12:20,640 --> 00:12:22,480 SHE LAUGHS 260 00:12:24,040 --> 00:12:26,800 Yeah. I mean, you can really taste the... 261 00:12:26,800 --> 00:12:28,320 The fridge. 262 00:12:29,440 --> 00:12:31,000 He sounds like a dick. 263 00:12:31,000 --> 00:12:33,080 Eating your weird snack potatoes without comment. 264 00:12:33,080 --> 00:12:36,200 No, he was ever so nice, actually. Oh, shut up about Ben! 265 00:12:37,480 --> 00:12:40,680 We need to work out how to get into your old loft. OK? 266 00:12:44,040 --> 00:12:45,240 Two words. 267 00:12:45,240 --> 00:12:47,600 Home. Invasion. 268 00:12:47,600 --> 00:12:50,760 We smash in the front door of your old place, 269 00:12:50,760 --> 00:12:54,120 we tie up Agnes and Kenny and we take... 270 00:12:55,640 --> 00:12:57,920 We take what's rightfully yours. 271 00:13:00,760 --> 00:13:02,480 Seems a bit extreme. 272 00:13:02,480 --> 00:13:04,400 I thought you'd pussy out of that one, Malc. 273 00:13:04,400 --> 00:13:06,840 All right, backup plan. Have you still got your door key? 274 00:13:06,840 --> 00:13:10,200 Yeah. I couldn't bear to give it back, so.. 275 00:13:12,200 --> 00:13:13,760 Oh, is that them? 276 00:13:13,760 --> 00:13:15,720 Yeah. The ones who bought your gaff. 277 00:13:15,720 --> 00:13:17,880 We let ourselves in while they're out, 278 00:13:17,880 --> 00:13:20,920 we grab the stuff from the loft without the Tuggers even noticing. 279 00:13:20,920 --> 00:13:22,200 Oh, yeah. 280 00:13:22,200 --> 00:13:24,280 Hey, but there's quite a bit of stuff, 281 00:13:24,280 --> 00:13:26,320 so we're going to need an extra pair of hands. 282 00:13:26,320 --> 00:13:29,440 If you say that fucking toilet, Ben, I'm out. 283 00:13:35,880 --> 00:13:37,720 So, er, before we go to the pub, 284 00:13:37,720 --> 00:13:41,240 I thought you might like to see the house Gemma grew up in? 285 00:13:41,240 --> 00:13:43,320 Yeah. I want to know everything about her. 286 00:13:43,320 --> 00:13:44,680 You heard him, Malcolm. 287 00:13:44,680 --> 00:13:47,160 He's well up for helping with these boxes. 288 00:13:47,160 --> 00:13:49,920 Er...what boxes? No, look, come on. 289 00:13:51,960 --> 00:13:53,600 I mean, yeah, he has some baggage, 290 00:13:53,600 --> 00:13:56,040 but with Ben it's more like a shipping container 291 00:13:56,040 --> 00:13:58,400 that's got a wife, five kids and a Chihuahua in it. 292 00:13:58,400 --> 00:14:00,640 Sorry...five kids?! 293 00:14:00,640 --> 00:14:02,960 Yeah. The older three are at boarding school. 294 00:14:02,960 --> 00:14:06,400 Do you think he's got a thing for pregnant women? 295 00:14:06,400 --> 00:14:07,760 I'm not going to go into details, 296 00:14:07,760 --> 00:14:09,280 but he's certainly not put off by it. 297 00:14:12,080 --> 00:14:14,120 Lovely, really. Sh! In you go. 298 00:14:14,120 --> 00:14:15,520 Sorry... In here. 299 00:14:16,560 --> 00:14:19,560 Why have you got torches? I mean, should I have a torch? 300 00:14:19,560 --> 00:14:21,440 Hey! You don't get a torch! 301 00:14:21,440 --> 00:14:25,160 Aww, that's where Gemma had her first little Wendy house. 302 00:14:25,160 --> 00:14:28,920 Oh, look! Oh, God, and that's where she lost her first tooth. 303 00:14:28,920 --> 00:14:30,400 HE CHUCKLES 304 00:14:30,400 --> 00:14:33,400 Oh, that's a shame - they've taken down the stone cladding. 305 00:14:33,400 --> 00:14:36,120 It took me ages to put that up. Tasteless arseholes. 306 00:14:36,120 --> 00:14:39,520 Now fuck Kenny Tugger and his whore mother Agnes. 307 00:14:39,520 --> 00:14:43,880 Er...do other people live here now? The Tuggers. The Tuggers. 308 00:14:43,880 --> 00:14:47,000 Do they know you're in their house? Of course not. Duh. 309 00:14:47,000 --> 00:14:48,960 Otherwise they'd call the police, wouldn't they? 310 00:14:48,960 --> 00:14:51,360 Whoa. Not so fast, matey. You're an accessory now. 311 00:14:51,360 --> 00:14:53,200 Oh, my God! I'm part of a burglary! 312 00:14:53,200 --> 00:14:56,400 No, it'll be fine as long as we don't move or break anything. 313 00:14:56,400 --> 00:14:58,800 OBJECTS SMASH What did he fucking just say, 314 00:14:58,800 --> 00:15:01,120 you giant bellend? I'm sorry! 315 00:15:01,120 --> 00:15:02,920 THEY SCREAM 316 00:15:02,920 --> 00:15:04,520 Oh, shit! 317 00:15:04,520 --> 00:15:06,160 Wha...wha...what should I do? 318 00:15:06,160 --> 00:15:08,320 I mean, do WE pull it out or leave it in? 319 00:15:08,320 --> 00:15:10,920 Bit late for that conversation, eh, Malcolm? Shut up! 320 00:15:10,920 --> 00:15:13,240 I hope your DNA's not on a register somewhere. 321 00:15:13,240 --> 00:15:15,080 OK, look, brace yourself, all right? 322 00:15:15,080 --> 00:15:17,920 After three. One, two... 323 00:15:17,920 --> 00:15:19,320 MALCOLM SCREAMS 324 00:15:19,320 --> 00:15:20,480 OK. OK. Oh, my God! 325 00:15:20,480 --> 00:15:23,040 Argh! You're bleeding. You're bleeding. Just hold it up. 326 00:15:23,040 --> 00:15:26,360 No, you're bleeding. It's dripping! Hold it up. Don't bleed everywhere. 327 00:15:26,360 --> 00:15:28,480 Hold it. Let's be quick. Quick now. 328 00:15:28,480 --> 00:15:31,680 Quick. Come on. Come on. Up the stairs. 329 00:15:31,680 --> 00:15:34,400 Go get those boxes. Come on. Up, up, up, up, up! 330 00:15:34,400 --> 00:15:37,640 Sorry, you can't have a relationship with him. 331 00:15:38,960 --> 00:15:40,560 He's got a family! 332 00:15:40,560 --> 00:15:42,480 And a really shit dog. 333 00:15:42,480 --> 00:15:44,360 It's actually a very cute dog. 334 00:15:44,360 --> 00:15:48,800 And that's his choice to make, not mine, and certainly not yours. 335 00:15:48,800 --> 00:15:51,080 What is he, like, ten years older than you? 336 00:15:51,080 --> 00:15:53,240 I just think it's a bit sordid, that's all. 337 00:15:53,240 --> 00:15:54,400 12. 338 00:15:54,400 --> 00:15:58,560 And it's the best offer I've had so far. Oh, cool. 339 00:15:58,560 --> 00:16:01,480 So you're happy to tear a family apart, are you? 340 00:16:01,480 --> 00:16:03,840 God, I'm trying to build a family. 341 00:16:03,840 --> 00:16:05,920 With the father of my child. 342 00:16:05,920 --> 00:16:07,320 I, er... 343 00:16:07,320 --> 00:16:10,760 I just didn't think that's who you were, that's all. 344 00:16:10,760 --> 00:16:12,880 SHE SCOFFS 345 00:16:12,880 --> 00:16:14,280 Get the fuck out. 346 00:16:16,080 --> 00:16:17,880 Seriously, fuck off. 347 00:16:20,040 --> 00:16:21,280 Fine. 348 00:16:25,760 --> 00:16:27,240 Wow. 349 00:16:28,560 --> 00:16:30,240 What the hell was all that about? 350 00:16:30,240 --> 00:16:32,080 Oh, come on, babe, you must know. 351 00:16:33,600 --> 00:16:35,080 Fuck off! 352 00:16:35,080 --> 00:16:37,680 Oh, hey! Look at this! Ow! 353 00:16:37,680 --> 00:16:39,520 It's just how I left it. 354 00:16:39,520 --> 00:16:43,280 Oh, my "man corner." Oh... 355 00:16:44,520 --> 00:16:47,240 Oh, God. Ben, come here. 356 00:16:47,240 --> 00:16:50,480 Let me give you a little bit of advice. Yeah? 357 00:16:50,480 --> 00:16:53,040 There's going to be times when it all gets a bit too much. 358 00:16:53,040 --> 00:16:55,600 Especially if you and Gemma go on and have more sprogs. 359 00:16:55,600 --> 00:16:57,920 More? I don't think... 360 00:16:57,920 --> 00:17:01,120 Being a dad, it's amazing, 361 00:17:01,120 --> 00:17:03,680 but also fucking awful. 362 00:17:03,680 --> 00:17:06,920 Sometimes the misery just gets into your bones, you know? 363 00:17:06,920 --> 00:17:10,040 And when that happens, you're going to need a little corner 364 00:17:10,040 --> 00:17:13,560 where you can take yourself off and just block it all out, you know? 365 00:17:13,560 --> 00:17:16,160 Right. A little space in the loft, 366 00:17:16,160 --> 00:17:19,880 with a dog bed, and just lie down and... 367 00:17:21,160 --> 00:17:22,560 ..hide. 368 00:17:22,560 --> 00:17:24,600 Yeah, you're better off getting yourself 369 00:17:24,600 --> 00:17:26,800 a little man bucket for your man mess. 370 00:17:26,800 --> 00:17:29,760 Don't worry. I've emptied that before I moved out. What? Oh... 371 00:17:29,760 --> 00:17:31,040 I think. 372 00:17:31,040 --> 00:17:32,480 Yeah. 373 00:17:32,480 --> 00:17:34,640 Oh, look, there he is. 374 00:17:34,640 --> 00:17:37,120 Ha-ha! I put Mr T up there. 375 00:17:37,120 --> 00:17:38,920 To give me some inspiration. 376 00:17:40,280 --> 00:17:43,520 Fun fact about Mr T, I thought he died of bowel cancer. 377 00:17:44,520 --> 00:17:46,000 How is that a fun fact? 378 00:17:46,000 --> 00:17:48,560 Do you want me to throw you through the fucking loft hatch?! 379 00:17:48,560 --> 00:17:50,960 No, I... DOOR CREAKS, VOICES 380 00:17:50,960 --> 00:17:52,200 Shite! 381 00:17:52,200 --> 00:17:55,120 Pull that up! Quick, get that up! Fuck! 382 00:17:55,120 --> 00:17:56,760 Help him get that up. 383 00:17:58,920 --> 00:18:01,120 Oh, shit! 384 00:18:01,120 --> 00:18:02,800 Shit! OK. If they do come up, 385 00:18:02,800 --> 00:18:05,480 I've just found this extra-strong piece of garden twine. 386 00:18:06,960 --> 00:18:08,640 MOBILE PHONE VIBRATES 387 00:18:09,800 --> 00:18:11,160 Dad? 388 00:18:11,160 --> 00:18:13,320 Oh, hi, Gemma. Why are you whispering? 389 00:18:13,320 --> 00:18:15,760 We're stuck in the loft of the old house. 390 00:18:15,760 --> 00:18:17,200 Me, Derek and Ben. 391 00:18:18,680 --> 00:18:22,080 What? I tell you to not be weird and that's where you end up? 392 00:18:22,080 --> 00:18:25,320 Fuck's sake! I was trying to get some old photographs, 393 00:18:25,320 --> 00:18:27,960 but the Tuggers, they wouldn't let me in. The Tuggers? 394 00:18:27,960 --> 00:18:30,640 The massive A-holes who bought the house. Sh! 395 00:18:30,640 --> 00:18:33,200 But, look, they've come home early and we're trapped. 396 00:18:33,200 --> 00:18:34,840 Wait. Wait. Slow down. 397 00:18:34,840 --> 00:18:37,080 So you, Derek and Ben are in the old loft 398 00:18:37,080 --> 00:18:39,360 and the new owners don't know you're up there? No. 399 00:18:39,360 --> 00:18:40,720 Well, I don't think so, but... 400 00:18:40,720 --> 00:18:43,800 ..Ben did bleed a lot in the front room, so who knows? 401 00:18:43,800 --> 00:18:46,400 What?! Is he OK?! Yeah, yeah. He's a big lad, isn't he? 402 00:18:46,400 --> 00:18:49,400 So he probably had more blood than most of us in the first place, 403 00:18:49,400 --> 00:18:51,560 so he can afford to lose a drop or two. 404 00:18:51,560 --> 00:18:53,840 Look, do you think we're in trouble? 405 00:18:53,840 --> 00:18:55,720 For breaking into someone's house, 406 00:18:55,720 --> 00:18:58,520 bleeding all over their carpets and stealing things from their loft? 407 00:18:58,520 --> 00:19:01,280 Yeah. That's on the criminal side of things. 408 00:19:01,280 --> 00:19:03,880 Erm, OK. 409 00:19:03,880 --> 00:19:06,800 Wait there. Do not make a sound. I'm coming over. 410 00:19:06,800 --> 00:19:08,040 Oh, thanks, Gemma. Thanks. 411 00:19:08,040 --> 00:19:10,200 She's coming round. She's coming round. 412 00:19:11,800 --> 00:19:13,760 Oh, Mr T... 413 00:19:18,080 --> 00:19:20,520 Are you sure this is going to work? I hope so. 414 00:19:20,520 --> 00:19:23,280 I can't deal with Dad and Ben being in prison too. 415 00:19:26,120 --> 00:19:28,080 Make some labour noises, then! 416 00:19:28,080 --> 00:19:30,720 SHE GROANS 417 00:19:28,080 --> 00:19:30,720 Yeah, that's it. 418 00:19:32,080 --> 00:19:34,040 Oh, my God, my friend's gone into labour! 419 00:19:34,040 --> 00:19:36,320 Why's she on my drive? That's trespassing. 420 00:19:36,320 --> 00:19:38,840 Cos she's having a baby! Not on my drive, she isn't. 421 00:19:38,840 --> 00:19:41,000 I don't want any of that... That muck on my drive. 422 00:19:41,000 --> 00:19:43,840 It'll attract the foxes. Hey, hey, hey, hey! What's going on here? 423 00:19:43,840 --> 00:19:46,000 Silly bint's having a baby on our drive. 424 00:19:46,000 --> 00:19:48,080 I said to her, it'll bring the foxes out. 425 00:19:48,080 --> 00:19:50,080 Kenny Tugger, you little rotter! 426 00:19:50,080 --> 00:19:52,800 Come on, lovey. Let me get you inside. 427 00:19:52,800 --> 00:19:55,080 No, no. I've always wanted a gravel birth. 428 00:19:55,080 --> 00:19:56,880 So maybe you guys could stay outside instead? 429 00:19:56,880 --> 00:19:58,200 Want me to get the stretcher, Mum? 430 00:19:58,200 --> 00:20:00,120 Oh, yeah, that's a good idea. Go on. 431 00:20:00,120 --> 00:20:02,200 No, no. I can walk, thank you. 432 00:20:02,200 --> 00:20:03,480 Up you get. 433 00:20:03,480 --> 00:20:04,800 Ooooh. 434 00:20:04,800 --> 00:20:06,160 Argh. 435 00:20:06,160 --> 00:20:08,000 Thank you. Oh, God... 436 00:20:08,000 --> 00:20:09,040 Oh, dear. 437 00:20:09,040 --> 00:20:10,080 Oh... 438 00:20:11,960 --> 00:20:13,640 BREATHLESSLY: I'm having a panic attack. 439 00:20:13,640 --> 00:20:15,520 Hey. Hey, hey, hey, hey. 440 00:20:15,520 --> 00:20:18,680 Hey, you know what's supposed to be good for a panic attack? 441 00:20:18,680 --> 00:20:20,640 Breathing into a bag. OK. 442 00:20:20,640 --> 00:20:22,240 Oh, God! 443 00:20:22,240 --> 00:20:24,400 Hey! What are you doing? 444 00:20:24,400 --> 00:20:26,120 GRUNTING 445 00:20:26,120 --> 00:20:28,080 Behave yourself! You're such a fucking psycho! 446 00:20:29,560 --> 00:20:31,160 GEMMA GROANS 447 00:20:32,640 --> 00:20:35,160 What the fuck has happened here? 448 00:20:35,160 --> 00:20:36,720 THUMPING FROM UPSTAIRS 449 00:20:36,720 --> 00:20:39,760 Stop it! We should just leave him here to die. Let him bleed out. 450 00:20:40,840 --> 00:20:42,560 What is your fucking problem?! 451 00:20:42,560 --> 00:20:44,600 Derek! You're the fucking problem. 452 00:20:44,600 --> 00:20:46,320 You're not good enough for her! 453 00:20:47,360 --> 00:20:49,000 MUFFLED SHOUTING 454 00:20:49,000 --> 00:20:50,880 THEY GASP 455 00:20:53,160 --> 00:20:55,240 Do you take PayPal, Kenny? 456 00:20:57,440 --> 00:20:59,040 £6,000! 457 00:20:59,040 --> 00:21:01,160 Mm. Yeah, and three stitches. 458 00:21:02,640 --> 00:21:05,400 Honestly not the worst night out I've ever had. 459 00:21:05,400 --> 00:21:06,480 SHE LAUGHS 460 00:21:06,480 --> 00:21:08,440 Plus I got to know Malcolm better. 461 00:21:08,440 --> 00:21:12,000 Er...he is odd. 462 00:21:12,000 --> 00:21:15,000 Er, but lovely. 463 00:21:15,000 --> 00:21:17,880 Yeah, he is. 464 00:21:17,880 --> 00:21:20,640 I mean, I'd rather not be living with him. No. 465 00:21:20,640 --> 00:21:23,120 He has been pretty great since... 466 00:21:23,120 --> 00:21:25,800 Well... So, I made some calls... 467 00:21:27,280 --> 00:21:31,760 ..and there is a flat ready for you next month, if you want it. 468 00:21:31,760 --> 00:21:34,080 You can be settled by the time the baby's born. 469 00:21:35,920 --> 00:21:38,920 A flat? Yeah. 470 00:21:38,920 --> 00:21:42,280 Well, I wanted it to be, like, a surprise. Erm... 471 00:21:42,280 --> 00:21:43,960 You don't have to pay a penny. 472 00:21:43,960 --> 00:21:46,880 It's yours for as long as you want it. Forever. 473 00:21:50,120 --> 00:21:51,520 Where will you live? 474 00:21:53,920 --> 00:21:56,360 I'd come there every other weekend. 475 00:22:00,680 --> 00:22:03,280 Is that a bad thing? Gemma, look... 476 00:22:03,280 --> 00:22:05,800 ..Allegra takes the kids to Switzerland 477 00:22:05,800 --> 00:22:08,440 for six weeks in the summer, so I'll be around loads then. 478 00:22:10,360 --> 00:22:12,000 You'll be sick of the sight of me. 479 00:22:13,440 --> 00:22:15,200 We can make it work! 480 00:22:15,200 --> 00:22:18,120 With me as your bit on the side? 481 00:22:18,120 --> 00:22:20,280 Oh, my God. I can't believe I've been so fucking stupid. 482 00:22:20,280 --> 00:22:22,480 No, no, no, no. What's stupid, Gemma, 483 00:22:22,480 --> 00:22:25,360 is you staying in this poky flat, with your Frankenstein baby clothes, 484 00:22:25,360 --> 00:22:27,800 an intercom that doesn't work and your dad. 485 00:22:27,800 --> 00:22:32,120 Oh! So you think this - my life - isn't good enough for your baby. 486 00:22:32,120 --> 00:22:33,520 Well... 487 00:22:33,520 --> 00:22:35,560 ..no. 488 00:22:35,560 --> 00:22:39,240 Look. You don't have to do this alone, OK? 489 00:22:42,480 --> 00:22:44,080 I'm not alone. 490 00:22:44,080 --> 00:22:46,960 Gemma, I'm offering you a way out. 491 00:22:46,960 --> 00:22:48,400 Right? 492 00:22:48,400 --> 00:22:50,960 Don't be a stupid bitch about it. 493 00:22:50,960 --> 00:22:52,760 Hey, you! Fucking hell! 494 00:22:52,760 --> 00:22:55,840 Don't talk to my daughter like that. Yeah, I'm sorry, Malcolm. 495 00:22:55,840 --> 00:22:58,520 I was a bit angry. No, I'd like you to leave now, thanks, Ben. 496 00:22:58,520 --> 00:23:00,760 Just leave, please. Ow! Oh, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, just... 497 00:23:00,760 --> 00:23:02,240 What is wrong with you people? 498 00:23:02,240 --> 00:23:05,000 Can you go, or I'll call Derek. On your way. 499 00:23:06,440 --> 00:23:07,880 Gemma, I care about you. 500 00:23:07,880 --> 00:23:11,320 Go on. Come on. Out you go. I'm going. 501 00:23:11,320 --> 00:23:14,560 Yeah. Grab your coat, sling your hook. Go on. 502 00:23:14,560 --> 00:23:17,040 My wife is horrible! Go on. On your way. 503 00:23:18,480 --> 00:23:19,760 Gem? 504 00:23:21,680 --> 00:23:23,240 Gem, are you all right? 505 00:23:23,240 --> 00:23:25,960 It's all right. He's gone. He's gone. 506 00:23:25,960 --> 00:23:27,720 He's gone now. 507 00:23:28,800 --> 00:23:29,880 You, erm... 508 00:23:31,680 --> 00:23:33,240 You go and sit down, eh? 509 00:23:33,240 --> 00:23:35,000 Go on. I'll make us a cup of tea. 510 00:23:36,720 --> 00:23:38,120 Hey... 511 00:23:41,440 --> 00:23:44,560 I knew he was married with kids 512 00:23:44,560 --> 00:23:48,080 and I still pretended it was going to work out. 513 00:23:48,080 --> 00:23:51,360 It's probably for the best, isn't it, eh? I mean, you know, 514 00:23:51,360 --> 00:23:54,160 he would have wanted to call the baby... 515 00:23:54,160 --> 00:23:55,280 ..Humphrey or something. 516 00:23:56,600 --> 00:23:59,960 Oh, hey - hey, we haven't looked at these yet, have we? 517 00:23:59,960 --> 00:24:03,080 Look, some photies. Hey. 518 00:24:03,080 --> 00:24:04,760 Oh, and look what I found, hey? 519 00:24:04,760 --> 00:24:06,320 Your favourite. 520 00:24:07,440 --> 00:24:11,080 Dolly Wiggins. Dolly, Dolly, Dolly. 521 00:24:11,080 --> 00:24:12,800 Dolly belonged to Cat, Dad. 522 00:24:13,960 --> 00:24:15,960 Did she? 523 00:24:15,960 --> 00:24:17,400 Oh, right. 524 00:24:18,560 --> 00:24:19,800 Yeah. 525 00:24:23,600 --> 00:24:25,800 Come on. Come on. 526 00:24:25,800 --> 00:24:28,360 Come on, Malcolm. Be strong. 527 00:24:30,200 --> 00:24:31,960 HE SOBS 528 00:24:35,040 --> 00:24:37,840 I'm so sorry, Catherine. 529 00:24:37,840 --> 00:24:40,120 I failed you as a father. 530 00:24:40,120 --> 00:24:43,280 Oh, my God, Dad, you're being so embarrassing. 531 00:24:43,280 --> 00:24:46,560 Can you forgive me? Yes, if you just shut up. 532 00:24:47,920 --> 00:24:49,160 Well, I'm sorry. 533 00:24:53,080 --> 00:24:54,800 I got you something. 534 00:24:54,800 --> 00:24:56,320 Guess who I found? 535 00:24:59,800 --> 00:25:01,600 Dolly Wiggins. 536 00:25:01,600 --> 00:25:04,040 HE LAUGHS 537 00:25:06,280 --> 00:25:08,000 That's amazing. 538 00:25:10,600 --> 00:25:12,080 Thanks, Dad. 539 00:25:12,080 --> 00:25:13,600 It's all right, my darling. 540 00:25:20,640 --> 00:25:22,040 There's nothing in here. 541 00:25:23,440 --> 00:25:25,720 Why the fuck would you bring this in 542 00:25:25,720 --> 00:25:27,520 if there's no drugs in its head? 543 00:25:27,520 --> 00:25:29,600 Oh! 544 00:25:27,520 --> 00:25:29,600 HE GROANS 65342