Original subtitles

Hey, Drew, how was your ride home last night?

Well, first, I thought the potato you put in my tailpipe

was the trick, but then...

...I thought it was the Krazy Glue on the accelerator.

Then, I thought it was the dead fish you put underneath my seat.

Then I realized that, that was only there to feed the raccoon.

Okay, so how was your ride home?

Well, after a brief struggle with the raccoon

over control of the car, which I won...

...and after another fight over the fish, which I also won

I went home, had a nice grilled trout dinner

and a series of shots. Thank you very much.

You have to admit, the raccoon and the fish were genius.

Yeah, well, next to you, any small-brained animal's a genius.

You're just jealous 'cause I'm the master!

I'd have you bow down to me if I thought

you had a waist to bend at.

Hey, bagel man, where's the fire?

Hey, uh, Mimi, you mind if I borrow

some of your squeeze margarine?

(Mimi) Go get your own, pig!

[thuds]

Um-num-num-num-num.

Um! Num-nummy-num-num.

Ho-ho-um!

Oho-um-nummy-num.

Num! Um-num-mmm...

Mm... mm. Argh.

[spits and groans] Dah! Ah!

Ooh, what was on there?

I'll give you a hint. Eat. Lather. Rinse. Repeat.

[Mimi groans]

Drew, I need you to put on this blindfold.

Hey, about time we got over this whole platonic thing.

Yeah, it would take a blindfold to get over this platonic thing.

[bottle hisses] Now, taste... this.

Wow! A blindfold and the words, "taste this."

What could possibly go wrong?

[clicks tongue] Coffee? Beer?

Buzz Beer.

"Cap-Beer-Cino?" What the hell is this?

It's a microbrewery started up by some guys in Shaker Heights.

You know what I think?

I think they stole our idea.

Oh, my God. It tastes just like Buzz Beer. They ripped us off!

- See? - We can't afford competition.

We're barely breaking even as a monopoly.

Carey, I need those files with the employee health benefits.

Yes, sir. Right away.

Oh, good Lord, man!

It's nine o'clock in the morning.

You're already half in the bag!

Have you been drinking?

No, sir. I haven't been drinking at all.

[belches]

I'm sorry that was, uh, beer battered shrimp.

Uh, Mr. Wick, in Drew's defense

I've seen him way drunker than this much earlier in the day.

Carey, call yourself a cab and go home immediately.

Oh, come on. This is ridiculous. I'm perfectly sober.

I'm not drunk. I haven't been drinking at all.

Um, why don't you give him a chance, sir?

Ask him to walk a straight line.

Alright, then. Let's see it.

- Please be careful, Drew. - Pfft.

[thuds]

I think he swallowed his tongue.

I'd better give him the Heimlich.

[The Vogues singing "Five O'clock World"]

♪ Up every morning just to keep a job ♪

♪ I gotta fight my way through the hustling mob ♪

♪ Sounds of the city poundin' in my brain ♪

♪ While another day goes down the drain ♪

♪ Yeah yeah yeah ♪

♪ But it's a five o'clock world ♪

♪ When the whistle blows ♪

♪ No one owns a piece of my time ♪

♪ And there's a five o'clock me inside my clothes ♪

♪ Thinkin' that the world looks fine yeah ♪

♪ Holiday ♪

♪ Hey ♪

♪ Ee-e-e yeah ♪

♪ Hey ♪

♪ Hey ♪

[instrumental music]

[indistinct chattering]

How did you guys get all this stuff in one load?

Usually, you gotta make two or three trips.

Well, we got a great deal on a used truck.

No other coffee-beer company's gonna be able to deliver

their beer any faster or better than we can.

Yeah. It's a refrigerated truck, too.

It's so cold in the back, Oswald made a frozen sneeze.

You should see it. It's just hangin' there.

Hey, how you doin'?

I'm Chris Vanderkamp, owner of Cap-Beer-Cino.

I'm lookin' for someone who does the buying here.

I do a lot of buying here. Welcome to Drew's.

Cap-Beer-Cino, huh? Coffee-flavored beer.

Where'd you ever come up with an idea like this?

Well, it's an interesting story.

You know what a eureka moment is?

Yeah.

I was drinking a bottle of Buzz Beer

and I said, "Eureka! I can duplicate this."

[laughing]

I'm havin' a eureka moment right now.

[banging] Eureka! There's a club behind the bar!

You ripped me off!

I'm-I'm Drew Carey.

I'm one of the owners of Buzz Beer.

Wow. I always thought it might be a little uncomfortable

meeting you, but it's not.

Because, my lawyer said there's nothing you can do.

Ours says cappuccino, not coffee.

[scoffs] Oh, so you rip me off. You think you can come in here

and sell your beer in my neighborhood bar?

Well, let me tell you something here, buddy.

Nobody around here is gonna be buying that stuff.

If we want some with cappuccino

then we'll go to...

We-we don't know where we're gonna go, we don't care.

But we're not gonna drink it around here, that's for sure.

So thanks for stopping by.

Well, I don't know about that.

Why don't we let these two customers decide?

See if they'll buy.

Okay, fine.

Uh, excuse me, strangers.

This is Mr. Vanderkamp.

He has a new beer he'd like you to try.

Well, I don't know, I feel kinda funny

taking something from a guy I've never seen before

and another guy I've really never seen before.

Okay. We'll give it a shot.

That is... if we know each other.

We do know each other, don't we?

Just drinkit... sir.

Mm. It's not bad.

[laughs]

That's Cap-Beer-Cino.

It's the new competition for Buzz Beer.

Oh.

Well, it's malty, nutty...

...yet, I'm completely blind!

Oh, no.

- Ah! - He can't see anything.

Hey, guys...

...from Buzz Beer.

Hey, Buzz Beer guys?

Hey! Buzz Beer guys.

Uh, you want us to give a message

to the Buzz Beer guys?

Oh, this is too good.

You're the brains of the operation?

- Ha-ha-ha. - No, no, no, no, no, no!

Violence never solved anything.

Oh, yeah? World War I, World War II.

"Star Wars," every Super Bowl.

Who said violence never solved anything?

Drew, Drew, Drew.

Can we stop pretending to hold you now?

Alright. I may not be able to stop you from selling

your beer around here, but let me tell you something, pal.

You're in for a fight. Because we got a truck now

and everybody's gonna know we're coming.

Yeah.

[instrumental "Pop Goes The Weasel"]

Hey, this isn't so bad, huh?

We should've bought a truck a long time ago.

Yeah. Like, 80 years ago, when it was new.

Hey, I think we're lucky.

Who would've thought an ice cream truck

would've been so cheap?

♪ We're driving in our beer truck ♪

♪ Delivering our be-er ♪

♪ We'll bring our beer to everyone ♪

♪ Please stop the music ♪

Uh-oh. We're headed into another school zone.

Battle positions, everyone.

[music continues]

It's that music. It's like a magnet for these kids.

Doesn't anyone know how to shut it off?

Oh, yeah. I do. I just chose to listen to it

for the last three hours.

How does it go again?

Dum-dum-da-da-dum. Oh, yeah. That's it.

Oh, my God!

The Little League game just ended.

We've got six 10-speeds on our tail

and they've got bats!

Ah!

We're not an ice cream truck!

We don't have any ice cream!

We only got beer!

Oh, God! They're peddling running faster!

[glasses shattering]

Thermostat is stuck, all the beer is blowing out

from the cold.

We've got over 200 cases back there

we can't afford to lose that.

Hey, the kids are falling back.

I think they think we're shooting at them.

There's a cop maybe he can help us.

- Oswald. - Huh?

We are now driving in a giant open container!

Oh! Oh! This is great!

We buy a truck and it breaks down the next day.

I guess the odometer said a million and one miles.

We bought a 11. We have to take it back.

Oh, we're losing our entire inventory.

Our new truck is screwed up.

At least things couldn't get any worse.

[music repeating]

Alright, that's it. I'm taking her into the river.

[tires screeching] No!

[instrumental music]

I can't believe the guy at the dealership wouldn't fix

the refrigeration unit 'cause it wasn't covered under a warranty.

Well, let this be a lesson to us.

Never sign a warranty

that's written on the back of a subpoena.

I hope Lewis and Oswald

gave those guys a piece of their mind.

Man, this really ticks me off.

I know what happened.

They saw you walk in the door and thought

"Now there's a sucker. What a pathetic hub!

"I can't wait to take advantage of this

"big, clueless moron with the dweeby glasses

and this stupid hair--"

Kate!

- Oh, yeah. You do have a point. - Yeah.

Hey.

You're one of our main Buzz Beer guys.

Why are you drinking cappuccino?

Supermodel Rachel Hunter

she drinks this beer.

So if I drink it, she'll like me.

Rachel Hunter wouldn't like you if you were made out of gold.

Besides, who needs supermodels anyway?

Now, Buzz Beer is the beer of attainable women.

Hey! We have a new slogan.

No. No, we don't.

Hey, I'll tell you a slogan.

Cap-Beer-Cino.

The beer of beautiful people.

Oh, yeah? Well, if you're gonna be one of the beautiful people

you'd better get rid of that flabby guy suit you're wearing.

Oh, would you look at this? It's a Cap-Beer-Cino invasion.

Like, she really drinks Cap-Beer-Cino.

I do drink Cap-Beer-Cino.

Wow. It's Rachel Hunter. Hey, listen, uh...

...if you never got my letters I'm, uh...

...I'm sleepless and hungry in Cleveland.

That's-that's not Rachel Hunter, it can't be.

It is Rachel Hunter, I know Rachel Hunter

like the back of my hand... kinda.

Hi, Rachel.

Um, we made Buzz Beer.

We don't have a lot of money.

We don't have an advertising budget

but I'm still gonna try to compete

with Cap-Beer-Cino for your endorsement.

Now, let's both write down a number

that we think is reasonable

and see how far off we are. Okay?

- Okay. - Alright.

Time's up!

Pencils down, people!

Could I have some more paper, please?

Alright, you made your point.

[Oswald sighs]

Hey, Drew.

Do I get to work with these guys?

'Causethatwould changeeverything.

We got blown off by asupermodel!

(Lewis) Who-hoo!

Hey, so how'd it go? How did the protest go?

I'm, uh, guessing it was hot outside

'cause the words, "lemon fresh" really don't apply here, buddy.

Hey, give us a break. We spent six hours in the hot sun.

Well, what did the guy at the dealership say?

Well, uh, first he tried to ignore us

but, you know, you can only ignore

two giant lemons for so long.

Especially, when Oswald fell on his back and couldn't get up.

Yeah, then the heat got to us, we started throwin' up.

Yeah, before you know it, you got two guys in lemon suits

rollin' around their backs, throwin' up.

At that point, you're not selling any trucks.

- No. - So anyway...

He caved in and he's fixing the refrigeration unit.

We'll have the truck tomorrow morning.

[cheering]

Here's the kicker, Drew.

This is what was screwing up the thermostat.

Oh, my God. It's a Cap-Beer-Cino bottle cap.

Those creeps sabotaged our truck.

I got a good mind to- hey, I won a large fry.

I know what we should do, we should start spreading

ugly rumors about that beer.

We'll say, if you drink it backwards...

...there's a satanic message.

Oh, man. They're from Shaker Heights, they're rich.

They got money, lawyers, Rachel Hunter.

What do you mean Cap-Beer-Cino makes you impotent?

No, no, no, that's Buzz Beer.

I heard it this morning from the Cap-Beer-Cino distributor.

Oh, well, that's it!

They can come in here and slur my name.

They can take away our company.

But when they blame my occasional reluctance...

If I had any, which I don't...

...on Buzz Beer and not some freaking industrial accident

well, then they've gone too far!

He-he. You're right.

We gotta hit 'em where it hurts.

- Yes! - Hey, I got it.

You know, what's really gonna hurt those guys

in their home turf?

They can come in here and sell their beer.

We'll go over to their ritzy neighborhood

and we'll shove Buzz Beer down those people's throats.

Hey, we got a new slogan.

No, we don't.

[instrumental music]

Oh, man. There's nothing

like the smell of fresh made donuts.

Come here, uh, let me help you with those.

Go away, pig!

Come on, Mimi. Just one donut.

One stinkin' donut.

Okay, tell you what, I'll let you smell 'em.

Ah!

- Carey, I- - Oh, sure.

It's fun for an hour, but...

...I don't wanna do it with you, Drew.

Good God!

First the drink, now the nose candy.

Oh! It's not what you think, sir.

Although, I do call it nose candy. Ha-ha-ha.

Carey, we have programs covered by your medical benefits.

We can get you the help you need.

Mr. Wick, I'm not a drug...

Wait a second. Are these, uh, paid days off?

Wait-what am I sayin'?

Listen, let me put it this way.

Isn't cocaine supposed to be an appetite suppressant?

Enough said.

[beat boxing]

Alright, alright. You can wear the clothes tonight.

But first thing in the morning you're getting those

naked rich people out of your trunk.

Hey, we're gonna be selling our beer in Shaker Heights.

It's a pretty fancy area. We thought we'd better fit in.

Well, how'd you pay for this stuff?

An extremely liberal return policy.

Which will probably be revoked tomorrow.

- Yeah. - Yeah. And don't worry.

We're still ourselves. Under all this

is a pair of underwear that says "Home of the whopper."

Oswald, those werea gaggift.

Yeah, well, when you get to the bottom

of the drawer, jokes over.

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]

- Whoa. - Wow!

- Whoa. - Look at this room.

It's like a home for the guys who never called.

Yeah.

And look at all the women!

And none of 'em have an ugly friend.

How are you supposed to start a conversation

without the ugly friend?

- I don't know. - 'Uh, excuse me.'

You-you can't bring

a six-pack in here, but, uh...

...I'll be glad to keep it for you behind the bar.

Oh, buddy, when I'm done talking to you

not only will you keep it behind the bar

you'll keep it on tap.

[chuckles]

Let me guess, you're a salesman.

Actually, we're a small consortium

representing the owners of Buzz Beer

who wish to remain anonymous

due to their standing in high society.

Excuse me. Are these nuts free?

Uh, yes they are. Help-help yourself.

You know, isn't this the, uh, Cap-Beer-Cino knockoff?

Excuse me. No matter how many we take?

Well, uh, within reason. Yeah. Ha ha.

Let me tell you a little bit about Buzz Beer.

Like our slogan, "Buzz Beer, friend of the urethra."

When did we start putting that on the label?

Oswald and I have been putting

new slogans on the bottles every month.

It makes it more exciting to buy.

"Buzz Beer, happy birthday, mom. Love Oswald."

Well, it's the only card I knew she'd read.

Let me tell you about our aggressive promotional campaign.

When Buzz Beer started out

we promoted it as the working man's beer.

But what we're aiming at now is the upscale market.

The cognac crowd, the brandy bunch.

You know, the people that would not let you into the ski club

'cause you had homemade snow pants!

So, what's the campaign?

- Well, I'll tell you. - Yeah. Hah.

We took the word, "Buzz," which just used to mean

how you feel after you've had a few beers.

But now it means, "What's the buzz?"

The buzz is everywhere, and the buzz is good.

(all) It's good. Yeah.

- That's our campaign. - Uh-huh.

What's the buzz on Wall Street?

- Oh! Oh! - What's the buzz in Paris?

I'll tell you what the buzz is. The buzz is good.

- It's good! - 'Yeah.'

[chuckles]

I'll, uh, have to think about it.

[chuckles]

Hey, it's my Buzz Beer buddies.

How are you doin'?

What areyoudoin' here?

Oh, this is my bar. This is whereIhang out.

This is where Cap-Beer-Cino was born.

You mean, stolen, don't you?

Let me tell you something else, bean pole.

You're gonna pay for sabotaging our truck.

I've never even been near your truck.

[humming "Pop Goes the Weasel"]

[pops]

[humming "Pop Goes the Weasel"]

You bastard.

I think you people should leave.

Oh, yeah?

- Maybe we don't wanna leave. - Yeah.

Maybe we just wanna stand here

and lower the per capita income of the room.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

You're also lowering the floor, tubby.

Alright, come on. Drew?

Drew, don't say a word.

No, no. Drew?

You know what, they might have loads of money

and their fancy bars

but we got one thing that they'll never have.

- No class! - That's right.

[Chris grunting]

[clamoring]

[instrumental music]

[cheering]

Man, last night was the best bar fight I've ever been in my life.

I wish, we would have sold one case of beer though.

But we did, Drew. We sold a case.

We sold a big ol' case of whoop ass.

- Whoo! - Ha-ha.

It's good to be home though, huh?

God bless The Warsaw.

Hey, Joe, four Buzz Beers.

We don't carry Buzz Beer anymore.

What?

The Cap-Beer-Cino guys got this new promotion.

They're giving away 25 free trips to Tahiti.

Now, everybody wants Cap-Beer-Cino.

Same old story. The rich popular kids win.

Oh, the hell they do.

Hey, listen up, everybody.

I'm Drew Carey. I'm one of the owners of Buzz Beer.

Now-now something's really wrong here.

Uh, look at what- look at what you're drinking.

We're drinking what Rachel drinks.

What? Come on. What's wrong with you guys?

You don't need this pretentious crap.

You're being taken in by their advertising.

You can't choose a beer based on a slick advertising campaign.

Hey! Hey! Hey! Look, look.

I won! I won!

He-heh! I'm goin' to Tahiti.

Ha-ha-ha.

So long, losers.

[all cheering]

Hey, whatever happened to loyalty, huh?

We have a history with you people.

This is a neighborhood bar.

We're a neighborhood beer.

Frank, when-when your kid had his college graduation party

and money was a little tight, who funded you the money

for the kegs of beer, huh?

Buzz Beer. And, Al...

...you couldn't get lucky to save your life.

What beer makes you more interesting, huh?

Buzz Beer.

Frannie, when you caught your husband

in bed with your best friend

what beer bottle did you slam over his head?

Buzz Beer!

Stan, what beer made you

sleep late and get fired, huh?

That's a bad example, but listen...

...what beer did you cry to the next day?

Buzz Beer. So what's your beer, huh?

(all) Buzz Beer!

Wait a minute. Beer is beer.

We get just as drunk on their beer as we do on yours.

And yours, we don't get Rachel Hunter.

Hey, forget Rachel Hunter, alright?

This is a neighborhood bar. You want a neighborhood girl.

So instead of Rachel Hunter, who won't even return your letters

believe me, I know...

...we're giving away

a free date with Kate.

What?

[cheering and applause]

'Cause Buzz Beer is the beer of attainable women.

[crowd cheering]

What?

The buzz is everywhere and the buzz is good!

[cheering continues]

[chanting] Buzz Beer. Buzz Beer. Buzz Beer.

Okay, lets get this Cap-Beer-Cino crap outta here.

(all) Yeah!

Dibs on the cut-out.

[instrumental music]

(Drew) Okay, I'm almost done. Has anybody seen us?

No, the coast is clear.

Drew, are you sure this is absolutely necessary?

Drew, I know, we hate Cap-Beer-Cino and everything

but I think we went too far. This is evil.

Hey, listen, they tried to put us out of business.

They sabotaged our truck. Poor Oswald could've been killed.

- Yeah, but still. - Yeah.

Come on, let's just get outta here.

[instrumental music]