Original subtitles

[instrumental music]

This is insane.

I've never seen this much traffic.

This new parking garage is a nightmare.

How could our store put an employee crosswalk

right next to the freeway off ramp.

It's a death trap.

It's gettin' worse and worse.

It that a new cross planted over there in the median?

Oh, no. It's just what's left of the pedestrian crossing sign.

So who feels lucky today?

I like breakfast. I'll go.

Be careful.

(all) Go, go, go!

Come back, come back, come back!

[screaming]

[horn blaring]

You saw how fast that food mobile was goin'?

Who was driving that thing, Evelyn Wood?

Alright.

- I'll take point. - No...

- No! - Hey!

My yoga master said face your fear.

There are no cars here.

There are just many opportunities for one object

to pass safely through many other objects.

Shh.

I'm the wind.

I'm brother to the puma.

Oh, yeah? Well, my friend, Mr. Jackson says

"Chuck's gonna be eatin' bugs off a girl

before he hits a double light."

Any takers?

Don't listen to her, Chuck.

You can do it.

I'm in complete control.

I'm walking through an open prairie.

(all chanting) Go, go, go!

(all) Come back, come back, come back!

They're messing with my mind, man!

When you're dodgin' a pickup, yoga don't mean jack.

Yeah...

I can't afford to get docked again.

I'm goin' for it.

Happy sunny good morning, everyone.

Hey, Faith. You're the optimist.

When Larry gets hit, do you think

he'd be half dead or half alive?

Aww, don't let 'em scare you, Larry.

You'll make it 'cause you're a good person.

And good things happen to good people.

Sheesh, I'm gonna cross, just to get away from you.

[screaming]

- Go! - Go!

Oh, my God! Oh, my God! He's flippin' off.

He's too cocky! He's too cocky!

You'll never make it!

Damn, you beautiful bastard!

Now there's a puma, Chuck.

He made it! He's on the other side!

[cheering]

- Well, I guess it's my turn. - No, Faith.

At least wait a few minutes till rush hour is over.

You're wearing a teddy bear backpack.

- Everyone's gonna wanna hit ya. - No, can't do.

I open the daycare center promptly at 9:00.

The children are waiting for me.

And don't worry, my smile

will be my crossing guard.

Have a nice day.

Well, you know, she's an expert so maybe with a little luck--

[thud]

[all gasps]

[theme song]

♪ Up every morning ♪ ♪ Hey ♪

♪ Just to keep a job ♪ ♪ Hey ♪

♪ I gotta fight my way ♪ ♪ Hey ♪

♪ Through the hustling mob ♪ ♪ Hey ♪

♪ Sounds of the city ♪ ♪ Hey ♪

♪ Pounding in my brain ♪ ♪ Hey ♪

♪ While another day ♪ ♪ Hey ♪

♪ Goes down the drain ♪ ♪ Yeah yeah yeah ♪

♪ But it's a 5 o'clock world when the whistle blows ♪

♪ No one owns a piece of my time ♪

♪ And there's a 5 o'clock me inside my clothes ♪

♪ Thinking that the world looks fine yeah ♪

♪ Hey ♪ ♪ Holiday ♪

♪ Hey ♪ ♪ Ee-e-e yeah ♪

♪ Hey ♪ ♪ Hey ♪

[instrumental music]

Hey, Larry. We're sendin' this get well card

to Faith in the hospital, you haven't signed it.

Uh, I started to sign it then my pen ran out of interest.

- I think you should sign it. - And I live to please you.

Hey, Mimi, checkin' your mornin' traps?

Stay.

Now, bite me, jackass!

Hey, I didn't pick you to replace Faith

at the daycare center. The kids did.

They all said, "We want bozo."

Now you better find somebody to replace me pretty quick!

Thank you, Scary Poppins.

Hey, kids, remember that cute little pig "Babe?"

(kids) Yes.

He ate him!

[gasping]

Ha!

[Nigel laughing]

(Nigel) Heh!

Richardson, I need you.

Richardson, this is a strange request

but would you mind blowing up a balloon for me?

I'm celebrating something.

I wouldn't send you out there empty handed.

Here's my letter of recommendation.

Uh, sir, did you get my memo?

Uh, yes, I did.

It's an important matter, it requires action.

Your participation is appreciated.

You didn't read it.

You have no idea what I'm talkin' about.

Not a clue.

Sir, this isn't like my memo requesting

a moment of silent prayer before lunch.

You just wanted a head start.

Okay, but this is serious, look.

I called a meeting with all the employees

and they elected me to solve the crosswalk problem.

[clears throat]

Lives are at stake

and we're not backin' down until Winfred-Louder

builds a skywalk from the parking garage to the building.

Hmm... no.

Well, will you at least think about it?

Hmm... no.

Look, you can't ignore this, sir.

Maybe the hmm is throwing you off. No!

Look, Mr. Wick, I hired these people as workers

not speed bumps.

A skywalk just isn't cost effective, Carey.

Believe me, I don't like to put a prize on human life

but confidentially, huh, we did.

It's about $75 per person, 80 for management.

See you later, 80 bucks.

We're not gonna be pushed around, you know?

Th-this isn't the last you've heard about this.

[door closes]

Guess I told his back.

Well, did we get the skywalk?

Hey, look, it's "The Mod Squad."

Had Kate been a blonde, Larry had hair

and my forehead had been a bit bigger, that might have worked.

But right now, you're duckin' and that's just not groovy, man.

- Mm-hmm. - Not groovy at all.

[instrumental music]

Hey, Drew, look.

They're handin' out free samples

in the children's department.

Actually they're runaways from the daycare center.

We found 'em jumping on the mattresses.

- They told us to get down. - Hmm.

Oh, man, Mimi.

Don't worry, little buddy

I'll get you back to the daycare center.

[grunting] Hey!

- Probably smell of the donuts. - There you two are.

I thought maybe you defected to the red team.

Wait a second, are you actually playing with them?

Yeah.

But I'm not enjoyin' it.

Take this!

[laughing]

Look, Mimi, you can't have these kids runnin' wild

all over the store.

Oh, yeah?

- Big butt says what? - What?

[laughing]

Relax. Relax.

I put anti-theft tags on all of 'em. See?

Nobody's gettin' outta the store without settin' off an alarm

unless boogerhead says what?

What?

[laughing]

What? What? What?

Nothin, nothing, this is too easy.

- 'Mimi meter.' - Yeah?

(kid #1) 'We've got a red alert in beddin'.'

Okay, hold down the fort.

Alright. Come on, you guys.

Red team, re-took mattresses.

Let's go wet some beds. Go!

[laughing]

- Kids today have it good, huh? - They sure do.

Our daycare was a junkyard

and we felt lucky to have it.

Yeah, what can you learn from a daycare teacher

that you can't learn from an eight-fingered hobo.

Well, to count to ten.

I still love old Willy anyway.

High four me. Yeah.

Carey. I got your bids for the skywalk.

I think there's one that might actually fly.

Wow! Really, sir?

No, guess not.

How can you ignore these bids?

It's the cheapest construction companies in town.

"We'll Work For Food" company.

"Two Guys With a Hammer."

And "Building Code Building Shmode Incorporated."

I told you before, it's not in the budget.

Alright.

I didn't wanna do this but now

I have no choice.

Attention, all employees.

Operation Slowdown is now in effect.

This...

...will be...

...harder than

I thought.

Call it off, Carey, or I'll fire one employee every minute.

You're bluffin'.

Try... me.

Okay, sorry, everybody.

Back to normal speed.

Now let's have some fun. Double speed.

Nice one, Norma Rae.

[horn blaring]

[screaming]

You remember traffic being this bad on the way in?

No, but if we crossed it once, we can cross it again.

- Yeah. - You ready?

Okay.

Hey, hey, hey! Watch it!

Oh, that's nice, grandma.

Use that finger to dial your grandkids once.

- Well, she saw you hesitate. - Really?

Yes, it's all in the look, you can't look uncertain.

Look, this is you. "Oh, oh, I'm so uncertain

kill me if you must."

- Okay. - Yeah.

This is the way you should look.

You look like a Sears catalogue model.

That's right, and have you ever seen one

lying dead in the street?

- No. - Ah!

That's because they have the look... of confidence.

Hey, where's that confident look?

On that trucker's face!

[screaming]

(all chanting) Go, go, go!

Hey, what's goin' on?

There's couple of morons dodging traffic in the death alley.

Lewis, Oswald! Oh, my God!

[tires screeching]

[all gasp] Oh, no.

Oh, somebody dial 911!

Uh, I'm gonna go reposition 'em.

I don't want people to think that we're doing that

when they got hit.

[instrumental music]

Oswald?

No.

- Oswald? - No.

Oswald?

Okay.

Hey, let's say we need something for the pain again

'cause for the first time ever, I understand Cathy.

She thinks she's fat.

[laughing]

You think you guys need more painkillers?

I don't know. Let me check.

- Not yet. - Oh.

- Hey! - Hi, Faith.

Faith!

Save it for someone with

depth perception.

Hey, what happened to our cheery little optimist?

Screw the optimist. They can kiss my road-rashed ass.

Do you need some help getting back to your room?

Thanks, we can go back and listen to my roommate

work on that ball of phlegm in her throat for another hour.

So is this the, uh, room that needs some cheerin' up?

[indistinct chatter]

I'm Archibald Fenn, this is my partner Geller.

We are attorneys at Winfred-Louder.

We're just here to settle that whole thing

so you don't drag our butts into court.

- Hey, what about me? - Gellar...

Hey, those are my flowers!

So, uh... they treatin' you boys okay?

They shaved us.

Everywhere.

Gellar, don't.

'So, if you want a big fat'

settlement check, all you gotta do

is sign right there.

[flatline]

What's wrong with him?

Oh, he stopped his heart again.

Always the show off. "Look at me. I'm dead."

Clear.

Okay, Geller, now make yourself useful

and go, uh, find me a pen.

Hey, guys. What are you doin' here?

Hey, we're gonna be on "Love Connection."

- Yeah. - Don't sign anything from them.

I should've known Winfred-Louder would send in their weasels.

Oh, stereotypes are so hurtful.

Attorney is bad, attorney is evil.

If stereotypes were true, Mr. Carey

I'd probably have to figure, you'd be quite jolly.

I refer you to the case of Rubber versus Glue.

Wait a minute.

This isn't a settlement. It's a waiver.

It says here that you waive your right

to sue Winfred-Louder and in exchange

you get 10 percent off everything you buy on Labor Day.

We didn't have to give the discount.

It's not our fault, they were hit in the street.

Get outta here.

And tell Mr. Wick, he's not through with Drew Carey.

[laughing] What's one little man gonna do to bring a big company

like Winfred-Louder to its knees?

Well, I was thinking about that on the way over here

and I'm gonna do the one thing that no one would ever expect.

I'm goin' on a hunger strike.

That will only bring the farm industry to its knees.

[screaming]

Whoa.

Come on, let's get to the parking lot.

We'll tell 'em you fell.

Hey, Drew, I just had the weirdest dream.

You were goin' on a hunger strike.

[laughing]

I am goin' on a hunger strike.

Hey, Drew, I just had the weirdest dream.

You were goin' on a hunger strike.

I am goin' on a hunger strike.

Ha.

Hey, Drew...

[instrumental music]

[screaming]

Hey!

Oh-oh, look at you.

Five days without food and you're wastin' away.

First, I'd like to thank you.

Your outfit has really helped me with my hunger strike.

Second, we found somebody else to run the day care center.

So you can go back to your regular job.

What?

- No! - We don't want you to go!

[indistinct chatter]

Come on. Come on, come on. Don't get all mushy on me.

Warriors don't cry.

I showed you guys "Platoon."

Alright, well, girls, remember...

...you're never too young for a healthy coat of mascara.

Boys, you pick it, you flick it.

Alright, now, go on, get outta here.

All of you. No whining.

Wait!

One last raid on the vending machine

I can use your little hands, let's go!

[screaming]

So...

...this is what a hunger strike looks like.

Oh, for God's sake, you could at least

suck in your gut as I walk by.

Laugh if you want to, sir.

But my bodily reserves are quickly being depleted.

Actual weight loss is right around the corner.

Yes, but on the way to that corner is a Taco Bell.

Oh yeah? Feel this, buddy. That's a rib.

I've never felt one of those since I was 12!

You let this hunger strike continue much longer

and this story is gonna be all over the news.

Oh, really, Carey?

Oh, hello, what's this?

Oh, it's a chocolate bar.

Oh, damn, it's all melty.

Melty chocolate's always so messy.

Mmm. Messy.

Melty!

Messy.

M-m-melty.

And this little piggy, is messiest of all.

Oops, Carey.

Look, I think I got a bit of rich, thick chocolate

on the end of your nose.

Now, if you'll realize it, sir, but your arm is in danger

right up to your elbow.

But I'm not giving in.

Yeah. What am I worried about?

You'll never lose enough weight to evoke sympathy.

Hey, Gandhi did it.

Yes, but what you're forgetting is, Gandhi started out thin.

You can't ignore this.

All the employees are behind me.

What the hell is going on here, Carey? You're gaining weight?

Hey, I'm not eatin'. I don't know what's goin' on.

Hey, maybe I really am big-boned.

Look, Drew, we all appreciate what you're trying to do here.

But I can't wait for you to lose weight.

I'm retiring in 20 years.

Oh, what you want me to do, call the reporters looking like this?

I'll be one of those stupid human interest stories.

"On the lighter side, this man thinks he's on a hunger strike."

Well, you should know that people are starting to lose

confidence in you, Drew. And their talkin' walk out.

- Yeah, that's right. - Hey, hey, hey.

I'm ashamed of you people.

This man has given up the thing he loves

most in the world for you!

Are you sure, you're not eating in your sleep?

Look at you!

Okay, listen up, everybody.

You can't walk out, people will lose jobs.

'This hunger strike is gonna work.'

One more week and I will be

that emaciated, pathetic skeleton that's gonna

shame Winfred-Louder into building that skywalk.

Once it starts to come off, the weight's

gonna melt off me like butter.

And believe me, most of it is butter.

[instrumental music]

How's Drew?

Well, he's about as comfortable as can be expected.

I just put a blanket over him.

Man, I can't believe, they took your cast off

after only two weeks.

Actually, I took it off myself.

The itching was driving me crazy

so last night about 3 o'clock, I just took

a butcher knife and just hacked the whole damn thing.

You think that was such a good idea?

It was the first 20 minutes of scratching.

Now, I'm not so sure it's healing right.

[knock on door]

I'll get it.

[screaming]

Hey, it's getting better.

[screaming]

[screaming]

Alright, we're here. Where's Carey?

And he better not be wasting my time.

Believe me he's not.

He hasn't eaten a thing in over two weeks.

He's fading away.

Oh, yeah, so is the sun, but I bet it gets there first.

"As you got to your final reward, embrace the light.

Embrace it, I say."

- Drew, Drew. - Yeah.

Visitors.

Oh, Mr. Wick.

Oh, my Lord. Where's your fat?

(Mimi) 'It's a trick.'

- Let's see who's under here? - I'm naked.

It's him.

Oswald, my feet are kinda cold.

Can you put on my slippers please?

Oh, sure, buddy. Sure.

Hold on. Just a second.

Good God! You've got little girl legs.

That's right.

Pretty soon everyone in Cleveland

will see these little girl legs

'cause I'm going straight to the papers.

You know, what's ironic?

I'm skinnier than I have ever been in my life and...

...it's too cold to have a pool party.

Wait a minute, how come your head's still so fat?

Well, everyone knows that head fat is the hardest to lose.

Come here.

Something fishy going on. What do you make of it?

It's gotta be a trick.

It could be somebody else under there.

Alright. I'm gonna check.

Uh.. Oh, I'm sorry, Drew.

I'm sorry, eyes.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Alright, alright, I didn't think you'd take it this far.

I'm not a beast. I have feelings.

You'll get your skywalk.

[cheering]

I have to get out of here.

Your skinny body and big fat

head are making me feel all creepy.

[door opens]

Never thought I'd say this, but I wanna thank you, Mimi.

And Bob here wants to thank you.

[laughing]

Hey, how did you get that guy to do this anyway?

I'm not gonna risk losing our best customer.

Drew's put six of us through community college.

[instrumental music]

♪ Bum bum bum ♪

♪ Bum bum bum ♪

♪ I said I'm workin' in a coal mine goin' down down down ♪

♪ Workin' in a coal mine whoop about to slip down ♪

♪ Workin' in a coal mine goin' down down down ♪

♪ Workin' in a coal mine whoop about to slip down ♪

♪ Workin' in a coal mine goin' down down down ♪

♪ Workin' in a coal mine whoop about to slip down ♪