Original subtitles

Go! Pass the ball! Pass the ball!

- Pass the ball! - 'And the pass is incomplete.'

- Oh, man. - Oh!

You know, my grandmother can throw better than...

Ow, ow, ow, ow...

Oh, arm cramp, arm cramp.

Pretty great livin' with us, isn't it, buddy? Huh?

We should have done this years ago.

Yeah, all it took was my parents losing their house in Florida

and pushing me out of mine.

Hey, I just noticed this.

I can dip a chip with my ice cream scoopin' arm.

Hey.

God closes one bag of chips and opens up another.

[door opening]

- Hey, everybody. - Hey, Kate.

[chuckles] Oh, man! Three guys livin' in a one-bedroom, one-bath apartment.

Oh, to be one of the thousands of flies on that wall.

Hey, hey, hey, hey! First down Cleveland, huh?

- You guys wanna pay up now? - Wait a minute.

How can you be betting on Cleveland?

The Browns moved to Baltimore last year.

Yeah, this is a tape of a game we went to back in '89.

Luckily, we were also drunk. We can't remember how it ends.

Oh, man, look at that, what kind of pathetic loser

takes his shirt off in sub-zero weather?

[chuckles] Hey, that's Oswald.

Actually, the paint glitter acts as an insulator.

Okay, at least you're not as pathetic as the guy

with "Go deep" written on his butt cheeks.

Hey, that's Lewis.

- 'He's at the 30. The 20.' - Go. Go.

- Go! Go! - 'The 10.'

- Come on. - Come on!

- Roll it. - Oh, the tape ran out.

What are we gonna bet on now?

You can bet on how long it's gonna take

you boys to get a life.

I'm gonna get my car waxed. I'll see you later.

- Bye. - Bye, buh-bye.

Bet you she springs for the hot wax.

Bet you she doesn't.

How are we gonna find out?

- Ooh, we'll follow her. - Right, kid.

- Jeez, I miss the Browns. - You miss the Browns.

Now every time I drop my pants in public

nobody understands my ass.

[The Vogues singing "Five O'clock World"]

♪ Up every mornin' just to keep a job ♪

♪ I gotta fight my way through the hustlin' mob ♪

♪ Sounds of the city poundin' in my brain ♪

♪ While another day goes down the drain ♪

♪ Yeah yeah yeah ♪ ♪ But it's a 5 o'clock world ♪

♪ When the whistle blows no one owns a piece of my time ♪

♪ And there's a 5 o'clock me inside my clothes ♪

♪ Thinkin' that the world looks fine yeah ♪

♪ Hey hey hey ♪ ♪ A-da-lay-ee-ee yeah ♪

♪ Hey ♪

[instrumental music]

[knocking on door]

(Drew) 'Hello. Hey, it's Drew.'

- 'Open up.' - Just a minute, dear.

Come on, open up the door.

It's freezin' out here. I don't have my jacket.

- Well, where is it? - It's in there.

Well, that wasn't a very smart move, now, was it?

- Just let me in. - I'm coming. I'm coming.

[door opens]

Man, only gone two days.

Already you changed the locks?

Well, well, your father's down in Florida

and God knows who you gave keys to.

You remember that little incident with Oswald and Lewis?

They marched right in, and I was wearing only what God gave me.

Mom, first of all, they didn't know you were gonna be in here.

Second of all, they were only eight.

And third of all, I don't know what God gave you

but it gave Lewis weird dreams for the next three weeks.

Anyway, I just came by to make sure you're okay

and pick up the rest of my stuff, I'm still trying to make

Oswald and Lewis' place feel

a little bit more like home.

Jeez, it's like a show game trying to find my toaster.

Well, we're startin' to move in

tryin' to make the place our own again.

Not that you didn't do lovely things with it.

I guess someone was lucky at the carnival.

Uh, sometimes you get lucky and sometimes if you taunt

the bearded lady long enough, she'll just throw prizes at you.

Hey, uh, have an idea when you guys are gonna be

you know, gettin' out of here and going back to Florida?

Hate to see you stuck here in this drafty old house. Burr.

Oh, Drew, I don't care if it takes us 30 years

to get back on our feet, you won't hear

one word of complaint about this house.

Thirty years? In a row?

Let's see, um, 30...

[mumbles] That means I'll be 60...

[mumbles]

Boy, you know, I can't believe you wanna stay up here.

It's a lot safer down at Florida.

- What? - Yeah.

I mean, make sure the windows are always locked, we've had

a lot of break-ins, neighborhood's changed

in the last couple of years. Yeah.

But if you ever have any problems, you know, just go

next door, someone's always up as it's a crack house now.

Mm.

But whatever you do, don't call the people

on the other side be...

Well, you know, unless you want

a lady of the evening.

Good Lord, I had no idea!

Well, I think it's-it's time

that we took back the neighborhood.

Oh, mom, I don't really think it's necessary to--

We're not scared of you, you filthy crackheads!

And shovel your damn walk!

Actually, I don't think they'll be that big of a problem, ma.

They're posing as a nice minister, his wife

and their three adopted Vietnamese kids.

And, uh, whatever you do, don't yell

at the ladies of the evening, they want everybody to think

they're a nice Catholic family with six daughters.

Well, they're still whores!

And paint your fence

you filthy flesh-peddlers!

[instrumental music]

Hey, Drew, you decent?

- Just a minute. - Okay.

- Okay, come on in. - Okay.

Here's some towels, just throw 'em

on the floor when you're done.

Oh, I get it. Then you step on 'em and wipe up the floor.

That's why you don't have a mop or a girlfriend or visitors.

Actually, it's a little game we play.

Ignore the growing pile of laundry

for as long as you can stand it.

Five-time champion!

Hey, man, uh, I can't thank you enough

for letting me stay with you guys.

And we can't thank you enough

for wearing pants.

[bottles clinking]

Hey, on the way home, I picked up some of those, uh

little frozen pizza things. You with me?

Oh, well, where are you gonna cook 'em?

- I was thinkin' about the oven. - That thing?

It's basically just a big gas leak with a door.

Oh, man, how can you sleep with a leaky gas oven?

Oh, sleeping's easy. It's waking up that's the problem.

Well, just, you know, take a hot shower then, I guess.

Oh, w-w-where are you gonna take a shower?

I'm not good at this game, just tell me

what's wrong with the shower.

Nothing, just as long as you shower at the same time

the people upstairs are showering.

The good news is, the water's already soapy.

Look, I don't wanna sound ungrateful

but this place sucks!

You know, somebody ought to complain to your landlord.

Oh, well, we did, we complained about the oven, and he said

"I'll give you something to complain about"

and he nailed all our windows shut.

- Hello! Hey, guys. - Hey.

Hey, Drew, you, uh, remember Suzie from work?

You remember me, don't you, Drew?

- You fired me. - Hey, I didn't fire you.

I may have danced like hell at the farewell party

but I did not fire you.

I gotta pee.

Oh, it's right in there, but if you wanna flush

you gotta jiggle the handle with this.

Wow! She's even classy walkin' to the toilet with a hammer.

[grunts]

What the hell are you doin' with Suzie, man?

She only dates rich guys.

Well, she saw me in the tux and

she, uh, heard me talkin' about how the guys

at DrugCo said they had never seen anyone climb

the ladder so fast, 'cause, you know

I'm doing that work on the roof and all.

Anyway, she got the idea that I was rich.

Oh, by the way, uh, I don't live here. I own the building.

But, Lewis, you can't afford the kind of lifestyle she's used to.

I can if I take on a few extra jobs and stop payin' taxes.

[door opens]

Oh, okay, honey, I'm ready.

I wanna go somewhere else to wash my hands.

Alrighty, then. We better go. The, uh, limo's waiting.

Limo? What's wrong with your car?

- My car? - Mm.

Well, you know how Jags are.

Yeah, we know how Jags are.

So?

So, one of 'em hit my Porsche. Bye.

Hey, Drew, grab your toothbrush.

I think the guys upstairs are brushing their teeth.

[instrumental music]

Problem, Carey?

Yeah, I've been sleepin' on a couch all week.

- My back is killing me. - Oh.

I learned a bit about spinal adjustment in the royal army.

You do have a spine in there, don't you, Carey?

- If you want me to, sir. - Ha-ha.

Uh, cross your hands in front of your chest.

You know what you're doin', sir?

We're about to find out, aren't we?

[grunting]

Wow! Hey, I feel much better. You're right. It worked.

Now, that's because your spine is in perfect alignment.

Unfortunately, clean and jerking your bulk from this planet

has thrown mine into a shambles.

- Would you mind? - Uh...

Ohh. Oh-ho. Oh.

Auditionin' a fourth roommate?

Nice work, Carey. You can be in my queen's army any day.

I don't care what it looked like, I feel better.

So, pig, how's life in the new barn?

You think I like sharing an apartment? Well, I don't.

But at least it's nice to have friends you can count on.

You know what it's like to need a friend, don't you?

You know, someone to eat the parasites off your back.

Oh, ha-ha. Oh, that's so funny, Drew.

Oh, I'm gonna go home and laugh at that

by myself in my own apartment

while you're jockeying for position around the ball.

- May I help you? - Yeah.

Drew Carey called about one of my rental units.

"Lewis Kiniski" and "Oswald Harvey."

Well, well, well, you must be their landlord

Mr. Tinsley. Thanks for comin' on by.

Well, you tend to respond quickly when somebody says

they have compromising pictures.

Let's see 'em.

Oh, my God!

- This is sick! - That's right.

That's the bathroom.

That's the tub. That's the sink.

And that's the kitchen floor.

I don't remember there being carpeting on the kitchen floor.

Those are ants!

You dragged me down here for this?

I had to do something. You won't return my calls.

Nothing worse than that apartment, it's a death trap.

I'll have you know that death trap is walking-distance

to shopping and free churches and two nudy parlors.

And who the hell are you?

Well, let's just say I'm a friend.

You know how many things are wrong in that apartment?

You know, you can't operate more than three

appliances at one time.

So, what, are you running a

methamphetamine lab in there or what?

No, I was just trying to open a can of tuna, have coffee

and have the lights on all at the same time.

- Hey, no parties. - Let me tell you something.

Tinsley, this isn't gonna go away.

You know, we're taking you to court, 'cause there's no way

we're gonna keep living in conditions like that.

Wait a minute.

You're, you-you're living there?

Yeah, if you call that living.

But you're name's not on the lease.

So you're illegally occupying that apartment.

Well, I'm not enjoying it.

Oh, you're absolutely right, Mr. Carey.

Nobody should have to occupy an apartment like that.

What's that little smile supposed to mean?

[knocking on door]

[sighs]

Oh, no.

Drew huffed and he puffed and he blew our lease down.

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]

And that's why The House Of Smells

hires people like me to call you, so you can, uh, save money

by buying knock-offs of your favorite perfume.

For, uh, Obsession, we have Preoccupied.

Uh, for Charlie, we have Chuck

and for opium, why not try our Smack?

Oh. Lewis, get off the phone.

You've been tying it up all night.

Would you hold on? I got the sucker hooked.

Oops. Hello? Sucker? Hello?

Oh, that's great. She hung up.

I was just about to throw in a free subscription

to "Sports Elaborated."

Lewis, it's after midnight.

Ah, not in Australia. Mm-hmm.

You're gonna have to pay for that phone bill.

And I want it in dollars, not Smack.

Oh...

Why are you selling this crap over the phone?

What does Suzie want you to buy her now?

[scoffs] She doesn't want anything.

Does it bother you that for once I'm happy?

- Lewis, what's in your mouth? - Nothing.

- Show me what's in your mouth. - Nothing in my mouth.

- Show me what's in your mouth. - There's nothing in my mouth.

Show me what's in your mouth.

- Ah! - Oh, my God, he's got braces!

- Ah-ha! - Suzie made him get braces.

Braces. Little packets of rubber bands everywhere.

Now it's so obvious.

[door opens]

Hey, Kate. Hope you don't mind.

I used some of your roll-on deodorant.

- You did what? - Made for women.

But I like it, too.

Fine. Keep it.

Just add it to Lewis's phone bill

and Oswald's brand-new can of contraceptive foam.

I don't care what it is, it shaves clean.

(Kate) 'Oh.'

Hey, guys, if we're gonna live together

especially for a long, long time

we're gonna have to learn to get along.

- And, you know, once we-- - No, w-w-wait, hold it.

I-I love you guys, a little, a little less

than I did eight hours ago, but, but I love you.

But I gotta tell you, you're here

for a couple of nights, and that's it.

[Kate sniffing]

And, Oswald

I'm almost afraid to ask this.

Butwhydo you smell like a fresh summer's day?

- Add it to my bill. - Oh, well, that's it.

- Oh! - Hey, hey, hey, Kate.

What, uh, what if I give you a-a free bottle of perfume

and a subscription to, uh, "Psychology Today?"

Look, it's nobody's fault, it's not Drew's fault

that he couldn't stand up to his parents.

He didn't ask to be weak-willed.

And yet, oddly enough, he did stand up to our landlord.

But it's not his fault that he got us kicked out

of our apartment anymore that it's his fault

that we're crowded into your little apartment

sleeping on the floor like vagrants, at an all-night ATM.

Alright, alright, it's my fault!

You know, when my parents showed up, I couldn't turn em' away.

You know what?

When I was younger, I promised my mom and dad

I'd buy 'em a castle

you know, when I grew up. Just...

I guess, giving them my house was the next best thing.

I'll go see my mom first thing in the morning

and I'll straighten this whole thing out.

- Alright. - Okay.

Until then

let's have a good night's sleep.

And let's keep in mind that it's not easy for four adults

to live together, so let's be respectful of everyone's space.

- Okay. - Just have a good night.

- Everybody. - Alright. Goodnight, Kate.

- Goodnight. - 'Goodnight.'

Night.

[door shuts]

Hey, soon as she's asleep

I got the pail of warm water all ready.

[all laughing]

Her bra's already in the freezer.

[laughing]

The saran wrap's already on the toilet.

- 'Yeah?' - Ha-ha...

It is?

[instrumental music]

Wow, look at all these cruises.

Vienna, Paris, Lisbon, Rome.

How much sex do we have to have before I can go to Rome?

You know, it sounds really pricy

but, uh, looks really romantic.

Yeah, maybe you can get a job on the ship.

- Then we could both go. - Yeah.

You know, I'm really torn here, uh...

Some of my friends are saying that

you're kinda taking advantage of me.

On the other hand, if we could just stay together

till my high-school reunion, I'd be

the happiest man in the world.

Is that all I am to you, an ornament

to show off in front of your friends?

Don't you know I just wanna look good for you?

And here's another thing I'll need to look good for you.

It's the same one James Bond drove.

Alright. That's it.

You know, I'm only a chump for so long, you know?

Sure, you may be, uh, uh, pretty and smart and sophisticated

but maybe that's not what I'm looking for.

Let me tell you what holds up. Simple, plain and cheap.

Yeah, yeah, the girl I want may not be

the most beautiful girl in the room

but when she smiles at me with those crooked teeth

and gazes at me longingly with those not-quite-blue-enough eyes

I'll know she's leaving with me

'cause the bartender is closing up the place

and says she can't sleep there.

- Are you done? - No. No, we're done.

I'm tired of waiting on you hand and foot.

And if I have nothing else left

at least I still have my dignity.

[sighs]

Now, you wanna hear the specials again or you ready to order?

[instrumental music]

Look, uh, Mimi, I appreciate you getting me involved

but I just don't wanna sell Sally Mae Cosmetics anymore.

It's greasy and it smells weird.

It makes your skin a funny color.

It's itchy and it looks bad when you put it on.

Oh, you think it's that easy, do you, huh?

Do you know who Sally Mae is?

She's a 52-year-old Polish guy from Baltimore

who got kicked out of the mob for holding that kiss of death

just a little bit too long.

Is this a threat, young lady?

Because I live between a brothel and a crack house.

[knocking on door]

I'm coming!

- Hey, mom. - Ah.

Mimi? What are you doing here?

She just had dinner, and she's leaving.

You had dinner? What'd you have?

Oh, your mom made macaroni and cheese.

- With real cheese? - No.

Oh, man. That's my favorite.

- Don't forget your case. - Okay, fine. Mm-hmm.

I can get another sales person in a minute.

I was just doing you a favor.

But you don't need money, I know

because Drew will take care of you.

Oh, yeah. He is a real mover and a shaker.

At least he shakes when he moves.

[laughs]

- I'm sorry ya had to hear that. - That's okay.

I hosed down the sidewalks. She's got lousy balance.

- 'Whoa!' - Oops. There she goes again.

[both laughing]

Oh, we're bad. Uh-uh.

- Mom, have a seat. - Yes, dear.

I have got great news!

Oswald and Lewis got kicked out of their apartment

and because of that, you're going to Florida.

Uh, slow down, Drew.

That'll make everybody happy.

I get my house back, and I'll pitch in

a little extra, so you and dad can get

a nice little apartment down in Florida.

- Florida? - Sure.

You hate the winters up here. That's why you moved down there.

All that cold and that ice, that's not good for you guys.

Well, yes, but we could be killed

by a hurricane in Florida.

Yeah, well, a hurricane's not so bad.

You're lifted up into the sky.

You know, like drawn up into heaven. It's like a ballet.

Well, to tell you the truth, wedomiss Florida

and our friends, but you can't afford

to put us up in an apartment down there, dear.

Sure I could. I could take a second job.

Hey, put on your suspenders

and give the big boy a break.

No, we can't let you make that sacrifice. We'll move out.

Your Aunt Gerta says we can live in the guest house

on her estate.

But Aunt Gerta lives in a nursing home.

I know. But wasn't that sweet?

So you're not gonna move.

Well, I don't see how we can.

Alright, uh, I'm gonna go back to Kate's

and spend another night on the floor.

It's not so bad, though. Last night we made Kate wet her bed.

We made flashlight circles on the ceiling.

Oh, almost forgot. Here's your mail.

You got something from your bank down at Florida.

Oh, yes, this is probably

our Silver Eagle Club statement.

Silver Eagle Club? Uh, what's that?

Well, it's just a little hedge against inflation.

Your father and I bought some gold.

Was it a couple Krugerrands or something?

Oh, I don't know what it's up to. Oh, it's down!

- Hundred-and-thirty thousand? - Well...

We're probably just riding out on market recovery.

A hundred-and-thirty thousand?

It's for our old age.

But this is our nest egg, our rainy-day money.

Mom, it is pouring!

What, did you save up all of my...

Is that the money you saved from

not using real cheese?

You know, you and dad could take some of that money

put a nice down payment on the house.

No, I don't know, Drew.

You're a Silver Eagle, baby!

Spread your wings and fly!

Well, I don't know. Well...

I guess we still have our Microsoft stock.

Microsoft?

And you got me sock slippers for Christmas.

Oh, alright, Drew.

We'll start looking for a nice little place in Florida.

Oh. Thanks, mom. That means a lot.

- Mm, mm. - Mm.

Still wish I could have bought you that castle.

Oh, with a son like you, who needs a castle?

Oh, and by the way, I called the police

about those crackheads next door.

They stuck by that minister story to the end!

- Oh, jeez! - And would you know it?

All those whores next door came out in his defense.

[clears throat] Well, I guess I won't be going

to the youngest whore's confirmation.

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]

Well, look who's here.

I didn't recognize you without your dress up around your neck.

I hear there's a new store manager.

I got dibs, runt.

- Excuse me, Mimi. - Back in your office.

- I can handle this. - Hi. You must be Mr. Wick.

I'm here to intercourse...

I mean, interview for the job.

I mean, intercourse.

Excuse me, young woman. This is a place of business.

We can't get a drink here. Come on, let's go.

Ow!

Oh, I don't know. She just fell.

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]