Original subtitles

[instrumental music]

- Drew... - Watch my chair.

[mumbling]

Here you go. Good, right there.

- Can I open my eyes now? - No, not yet, no.

See, we just, uh, wanted to do somethin' extra for you

for getting us those jobs at the store over the holidays.

Anyway, we pooled our money together and we got you

something really special, a big screen!

Wow! You got me a big-screen TV?

No, it's a big screen.

See? See, uh...

See, you put it in front of the TV and it magnifies everything.

See? And you got yourself a big-screen TV!

What is that, a pterodactyl attacking the ponderosa?

Oh, actually, it's just a fly on the screen. Uh, here you go.

[door opens]

Are you guys watching the hurricane?

No, Lewis just spits when he talks.

Now it's magnified 2000 times.

Well, turn on the news, there's a big hurricane in Florida.

It sounded like it was close to your parents' place.

- What? Oh, my God! - Oh, my God!

- 'Despite weather..' - Wow!

Look at the roofs blowing off those houses!

The furniture's flying everywhere!

Hey, I tried to get that couch.

They said it didn't come in that pattern.

Wow, that's close to the neighborhood.

I hope they're not home.

[door opens]

You ever gonna put salt on that sidewalk, Drew?

You're gonna wait until your mom breaks her hip?

I didn't say send him here.

[chuckles]

Oh, hey, yeah.

[chuckles] Don't look at my hair.

I've been traveling for 12 hours.

Oh, honey! Ah-ha.

- Well, um... - I'm glad you're okay.

I thought, I thought you were, uh, trapped in the hurricane.

- What hurricane? - Hurricane Jackie.

It's headed right for your neighborhood.

- 'Really?' - What?

We've been on the road for a week.

We drove up here because we've had some big problems.

- We lost the house to the bank. - You lost the house?

Come on, Jackie, blow the crap out of the house!

- What happened? - Well...

We fell behind on the payments and defaulted.

Yeah, it was a little financial miscalculation.

With the way I eat and your mom drives

we figured we'd be dead by now.

Well, that's great, you taught me how to eat

and you taught me how to drive.

[The Vogues singing "Five O'clock World"]

♪ Up every mornin' just to keep a job ♪

♪ I gotta fight my way through the hustlin' mob ♪

♪ Sounds of the city poundin' in my brain ♪

♪ While another day goes down the drain ♪

♪ Yeah yeah yeah ♪ ♪ But it's a 5 o'clock world ♪

♪ When the whistle blows no one owns a piece of my time ♪

♪ And there's a 5 o'clock me inside my clothes ♪

♪ Thinkin' that the world looks fine yeah ♪

♪ Hey hey hey ♪ ♪ A-da-lay-ee-ee yeah ♪

♪ Hey ♪

[instrumental music]

(Drew) [indistinct] default and lose a house for no reason.

Somethin' happened you don't wanna tell me.

Well, it could have happened to anybody.

How could you think that Disney

would actually build a theme park called Gatorville

in the middle of a swamp?

Oh, are we gonna go over all this again?

The man on the phone said the land would be worth

a 100 times more than we paid for it in just one week.

Oh, no! A Florida land scam? How much did you invest?

Humph, maybe it'd be easier just to show you

how much we got left.

Boy, that really burns me up

taking advantage of honest people like that.

If you want, I'll hook you up with a lawyer I know.

He'll only take 80% of the settlement.

[sighs]

Thank you, Oswald.

Oh, you are just as handsome as ever.

I can't believe that you're still single.

Well, whatever I'm doin', it's workin'.

[giggles]

And, Lewis...

Tsk. You hang in there.

Katie, you look wonderful.

Did you get that picture of that cute bachelor I sent you?

Yes I did, but unfortunately, JFK Jr. just got married.

But he's a Kennedy, it doesn't matter.

So why didn't you guys call me when this first happened?

Well, I tried to call you, but your

father won't let me use the telephone.

Yeah, your last call cost us $75,000.

Seventy-five-thousand dollars?

All my life I had to beg for 50 cents to get ice cream.

Some stranger calls, and you give him $75,000?

He was really good.

What are you gonna do now?

Uh, we filed a class action suit.

In a couple of weeks when that's settled

we'll be out of your hair.

Now, who wants a salami omelet?

[George chuckles]

Dad, I-I don't have any salami.

Well, then go on down the butcher shop and get some.

Dad, there, uh, there hasn't been

a butcher shop around here in ages.

You see, back in the '50s they decided to put

all the food groups under one roof, call it a supermarket.

[laughing]

Alright, Mr. Wise Ass, then go on

down to the supermarket, get us some salami.

[clears throat] I'm gonna soak.

Every inch of my body hurts

12 hours sitting in that damn Winnebago.

So how is the old warhorse holdin' up?

Well, why not? You're a man.

Still salutes, but there just aren't as many parades anymore.

Actually, I was talkin' about your Winnebago.

Oh.

Still solid as a rock and can speed through tunnels.

What are we talkin' about now?

[instrumental music]

At Sally Mae Cosmetics, we feel that beauty is only skin-deep.

But luckily, you can build many layers on top of it.

Now, I don't know if you believe that you could put a price tag

on beauty, but by lookin' at you, I can tell

you haven't been spending a whole hell of a lot.

- Excuse me. - Look, honey...

Oh, I can see it's an emergency

but you're just gonna have to wait your turn.

[chuckles] No. I'm looking for Drew Carey's office.

Oh, well, he doesn't have an office, he just has a cubicle

no matter what he told you in the bar.

Oh, oh.

Oh-ho. I am his mother.

Oh, his mother, huh?

Well, anyone that would find a piglet by the side of the road

and raise it as their own, you're good people.

You must be Mimi.

Oh. He told you about me?

He told me how you tease him.

Which usually means that you have a crush on him.

Well, I do have a crush on him

but we both know how hopeless it is

me bein' a woman and all.

Mom! Hey, what are you doing here?

I brought you lunch. Oh, by the way...

I owe you ten bucks. She tried the gay angle.

You didn't have to do this.

Wow, two fried baloney sandwiches, two Twinkies

a Ho Hos and a carrot.

I wanna make sure you're eating right.

If I was a heroin addict, yeah.

So you come down here to do some shoppin'?

No, I came down for a job interview.

- What? - I need to work.

Your father and I need the money.

But I-I can't interview you.

Why not?

Well, because

because none of the other personnel manager's moms

make them interview them.

Mr. Wick, this is my mother, Beulah.

Would you please explain to her

why I can't interview her for a job?

- Well, why can't you? - Well...

Because there's conflict of interest, there's nepotism

and besides, we don't need anybody right now.

So, she gives you life

and you can't even give her five minutes of your time?

My own mother is coming into town this weekend

and I'm going to treasure every moment of it.

And if I've got to suffer, so have you.

Enjoy the interview.

Alright, but this is gonna be a real job interview.

One crack about my posture and you're back

pounding the pavement.

Yes, dear.

So, Mrs. Carey, when was your last job?

Well, it's been ages. Let me see.

Well, I was a receptionist at this, uh

radio station downtown, WJW.

WJW. And who was your boss there?

Alan Freed.

Alan Freed?

The first guy that played rock music on the radio?

That's him, he used to play the music so loud

I would have to call him and say

"Will you turn that music down?

You're making everything rock and roll up here."

Wow! That's amazing.

Is there any other jobs I should know about?

Well, let's see, after that I went to work for NASA.

That didn't last very long.

I was having trouble with my stapler

and I said, "You can't make a stapler that works

but you can send a man to the moon."

They said, "We can send a man to the moon."

I said, "Well, you should."

And then they all got mad at me

for talking that way in front of Senator Kennedy.

Mom, you're Florence Gump.

Well, alright, so, uh, what department do you wanna work in?

I'd like to work in the toddler department.

Well, do you have any experience in that area?

I raised you.

She raised me.

Okay, now I have to ask everybody this question.

Um, have you ever been convicted of a felony?

Well, that's the stupidest question I ever heard.

So that would be a no?

Drew, I'm your mother.

So that would be a no?

It wasn't my fault.

I was walking by the river. I was a smoker in those days.

It used to be that water would put out a cigarette.

Oh, my God! You set the Cuyahoga River on fire?

No, I made that one up.

Put down good sense of humor.

So what do you think my chances are, Mr. Carey?

Well, I don't know. How quickly do you need a job?

Well, if we're gonna be settling back in with you

at least we wanna pay our share of the mortgage.

Se-settling back in?

Oh, you mean, till you win the class action suit.

We lost the class action suit.

They found gators in the swamp.

So technically, it is Gatorville.

Alright, then, I guess I'll just file this away

and I'll see you and dad tonight.

Well, thank you, dear.

I wanna kiss you goodbye, but that wouldn't be professional.

Well, great, I'll be a single guy

livin' at home with his parents.

All I need now is to dust off the old ham radio

start collecting tropical fish, I'll be

the biggest loser in the world.

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]

Okay, the coast is clear.

If we're quiet, we can still get to my bedroom.

At least we can talk up there, no one will bother us.

[chuckles] You know, it's been years since I had a date

with a guy who still lived with his parents.

Ah, yeah, I don't live with them, they live with me.

They had a little money trouble, I had to take 'em in.

But on the bright side, you're datin' a swamp tycoon.

[chuckles]

Oh, don't tell me. This must be Lisa.

No, mom, this is Robin.

Lisa and I broke up three months ago.

Oh, that's right, you couldn't commit.

Okay, if you'll excuse us, mom, we're goin' up

to my bedroom to study. Hm?

Just do whatever you want, honey. This is your house, too.

You won't even know your father and I are here.

(George) Holy Almighty, will you look at this?

Drew, take a look at what I cleaned out of your shower trap.

Huh, if you ever lose your hair, I got you a toupee.

[laughing]

- Hi there. - Hi.

Oh, I'd shake your hand, but, uh...

But what? It'd be like rubbing Drew's head.

[laughing]

[switch clicks]

Oh, my God!

Nice room, beav.

I take it you don't get lucky a lot.

I can't believe this, they took all the furniture from the attic

and made my room look like it did when I was 12.

(Beulah) 'Surprise, Drew!'

Thank you, mom.

Hey, how come the lips are worn off this Farrah Fawcett poster?

It came that way. Look, uh...

Maybe we should just forget about it and go home.

Actually, it's kind of exciting, I mean

hey, your parents in the next room.

Uh, it's kinda like...

[sighs] ...bein' in high school.

You know what I mean?

(George) 'Beulah, where'd you put my ointment?'

(Beulah) 'Top shelf in the medicine cabinet.'

- 'I don't see it!' - 'Next to Drew's ointment!'

(George) 'Which one? He's got so many of 'em.'

'What's the matter with that kid?'

'I found it, right next to Drew's FiberCon.'

'Have you seen that handicapped dog of Drew's yet?'

(Beulah) 'Yes, I think he's sweet.'

(George) 'What the hell was his name? Sparky. No, uh, Spunky.'

'Sparkles? Sally? Sammy?'

'Suzy? Did I say Sparky?'

(Beulah) 'Yes, dear!'

(George) 'Stevie? Sandy?'

Speedy!

The dog's name is Speedy!

- 'I said that!' - 'No, you didn't, George.'

(George) 'I know what I said.'

Mom's right, you didn't say Speedy!

(George) 'You always take your mother's side.'

(Beulah) 'Because you're always wrong.'

See, we're just like the Waltons.

Shut up, mom! Shut up, dad!

(George) 'What?'

Nothing!

- 'What?' - Nothing! Never mind!

(George) 'What? I'm comin' up.'

If I get grounded, I'll meet you in the parking lot

behind the RVs.

[instrumental music]

Drew, I was stuck here doing inventory. What's your excuse?

I'm ironing the creases out of my jeans that my mother put in

so I don't get beat up at the Warsaw.

Oh, come on, those guys were just calling you pretty jeans

'cause they were jealous.

I can't believe that you're living in the store!

I'm not living here, I'm just spending

a little more time here.

[timer dings] Hey, it's dinner time.

Drew, when can I tell you this is really sad?

Right after I take my sponge bath in the drinking fountain.

Hey, Drew, we went by your house to look for you

and your mom said you forgot your afternoon snack.

It's a deep-fried pepperoni nugget hoagie on pizza bread.

Why is your mom trying to kill you?

You see, this is why I'm here.

My mom's always in the kitchen cookin'

and my dad's always in the bathroom.

It's like they got their own little system

of supply and demand going on.

Drew, if they're driving you crazy

maybe it's time to ask them to leave.

I could never live with my mother again.

No smoking, no drinking, no bringing strange men home.

She wouldn't follow any of my rules.

- So what are you gonna do? - I can't keep doing this.

This morning there were five strange shirts here

waitin' to be ironed.

You know, I'm not trying to run away from the problem

but I feel guilty.

I don't want my own folks in my own house anymore.

I just want my privacy back. Does that make me a bad son?

No, Drew, you're not a bad son.

You-you were a bad son when you-you

streaked our high-school graduation.

Mm, actually, that was

pretty much bad for everyone.

- Yeah. - Boy.

Did they lay the guilt on me after that.

Well, if you can't be the valedictorian

I guess that's something.

[chuckles] They are always good at guilt.

I feel bad I even just said that.

- 'Hm.' - Hey, wait a second.

The answer's right in front of me, I've been

training for this my whole life.

There's only one thing my parents understand.

Hot pepper suppositories?

- No. Guilt. - Hm.

But their guilt is old and tired. Mine is young and strong.

- Hm. - Yeah.

We'll see who reaches for the comfort foods tomorrow.

- Yeah! - Yeah.

Evening, Carey.

Mr. Wick, what are you still doing here?

Well, uh, Mother Wick arrived

and I wasn't really in a hurry to get home.

Oh, you did the shirts. Well...

See what you can do with these trousers.

[instrumental music]

Oh, come on, mom.

I know everything smells better when it's hung out in the line

but not in January.

[clattering]

[door opens]

Mom? Dad?

Oh, no, I wished them into the cornfield.

(Mimi) 'My name is Mimi'

'and I'm your Sally Mae representative.'

Oh, no, I need a weapon.

Where's my underwear?

This, ladies, is your cosmetic case.

You live with it. It's your best friend.

Sleep with it, eat with it, make love to it...

...'cause someday it's gonna save your life.

Oh, isn't this exciting? Mimi's found me a new career.

It's my pleasure, Mrs. Carey.

You know, things are moving kind of slow.

I think it's time to introduce our silent partner

Mr. Jack Daniel's.

Just a little bit in everybody's coffee.

Golly. I am learning so much about business.

You know, if we're gonna be here for a while

I oughta invite some of my navy buddies over

so we can, you know, sit around, scratch, watch a ball game.

- You know? Yeah. - Really?

What a coincidence, those are my plans. Look, we need to talk.

Drew, you can forget about findin' me a job.

From now on I'm workin' out of the house.

Oh, so we'll be havin' more of these parties?

And Mimi will be hangin' out here?

And I can make a wind chime out of my underwear. Boy.

Life is good.

You've got somethin' on your mind, son?

Yeah. Yes, yes, I do.

Look, I was hopin' we can make livin' together work

and I really love you guys, but...

Oh, I'm not gonna worry you with my problems.

Yeah.

I said, "Oh, I don't wanna worry you with my problems."

What problems, Drew?

Well, you guys are wonderful to me

and you sold me this terrific house.

Some people say I paid too much for it

the appraiser for one, but...

I've always been happy here in my house.

I mean, what used to be my house.

But I-I don't wanna burden you with my problems.

Oh, jeez! I didn't know it was that bad.

What the hell were we thinking? We'll move out, son.

Really?

Of course.

Don't you worry about us.

We'll find a place, and till we do

we'll just drive around Cleveland.

But, George, it's awfully cold out.

The boy wants us out, Beulah.

- Oh. - Uh-oh. They got the ball.

Oh, honey, you're right. We'll be fine.

We always get by.

Do you think we can get prescriptions

without an address?

Oh.

You know, that's the second saddest thing I've ever heard.

The saddest is, how am I gonna find a place

that'll take my dog, Speedy? My handicapped dog.

Can you watch him for me? I know he's not much of a dog.

But he's got a big heart.

[sobbing] He's all I've got.

[sobbing] Oh, honey, that's just what we said to the banker

when we lost our house.

- Yeah. - And our dignity.

Oh, come on, honey.

Try and be strong.

We still have to dig out the Winnebago.

Dad, stop, stop!

Look, I-I can't.. I'm the one that's being selfish.

I want you to have the house. Here's the keys.

I'm a bad son. I'm sorry about the streakin', too.

- I can't take it anymore! - Oh, you're not a bad son.

You're the most wonderful son in the world!

Thanks, mom. Dad.

I can't believe somebody conned you guys.

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]

[knocking on door]

[door opening]

Uh-oh! The whole guilt thing didn't work, huh?

Yeah, but don't you worry about me.

Look, I'm not tryin' to intrude or anything

but can I leave my bags here?

It gets kind of crowded sleepin' in the car.

- Alrighty. - Yeah, sure.

Come on.

[door slams]

[door opens]

Get in here, we'll spray down the couch for ya.

[door shuts]

[instrumental music]