Original subtitles

Look, uh, you guys are the best Christmas elves

Winfred-Louder ever had, but I can't afford to pay you

more than ten bucks an hour this year. I'm really sorry.

- Hey, it's $15, or we walk. - I'm tryin' to be fair here.

I mean, who gets you guys benefits, who gets you

off-season work? And here you are...

Tryin' to cut me off at the knees.

I-I didn't mean it that way and you know it.

Yeah, I know it, Drew, and I'm sure that

management's not just tryin' to get fat.

Oh, I didn't mean it that way, and you know it.

Look, how about 11 bucks an hour? But you have to know.

That means I'm screwing over the Easter Bunny.

Yeah, like he brings in the kids.

Wow, 11 bucks an hour, we'll do it for that.

- Yeah. - Hey, look, giraffe boy.

The job description says elf.

Now, metal midget, that's another story.

Hey.

Hold on, there's no problem here, my friends

aren't competing for your jobs. I mean, look at 'em.

Oh. Now you're just being a hate-ist.

Yup. That's me.

Okay, guys, we got it, let's go.

Hey, wait a minute, where are you going?

I told Sox to call if they

meet our price of 15 an hour.

And I'm hoping they'll pay us under the table.

Shut up.

- Well, well, well... - Ha-ha-ha.

Suddenly we don't look so tall, huh, Drew?

Man, I need somebody right away.

Uh, we could use the extra Christmas cash.

- What do you say? - What, are you serious?

- Okay, you got the jobs. - Hey! Hey!

- There's just one catch. - Whoa!

It looks like we're gonna be sexy elves.

[Vogues singing "Five O'clock World"]

♪ Up every mornin' just to keep a job ♪

♪ I gotta fight my way through the hustling mob ♪

♪ Sounds of the city poundin' in my brain ♪

♪ While another day goes down the drain ♪

♪ Yeah yeah yeah ♪ ♪ But it's a 5 o'clock world ♪

♪ When the whistle blows no one owns a piece of my time ♪

♪ And there's a 5 o'clock me inside my clothes ♪

♪ Thinkin' that the world looks fine yeah ♪

♪ Holiday ee-ee yeah ♪ ♪ Hey hey hey ♪

♪ Hey ♪

[instrumental music]

[sighs]

[sighs]

Something wrong, sir?

Tell me something, Carey, what are some of the more

imaginative ways I've fired people?

Well, the price is right or you're fired is pretty novel.

And who can ever forget the famous half-time show you put on

for the guy who called in sick from the Ohio State game?

♪ Two four six eight who be livin' off the steak? ♪

♪ It's you it's you it's you ♪

[laughs]

Better days, Carey, better days.

I haven't told anyone this, but I went to fire Hutchison

this morning, and I just didn't have the old stuff.

- You mean you didn't fire him? - Oh...

[chuckles] Don't get me wrong, I fired him, alright

but, but afterwards I didn't run over to the window

and enjoy the inevitable temper tantrum in the parking lot.

I just sat there cradling my water balloon

thinking, "What's the point?"

Well, it's funny you should bring that up now, sir, because

I've come up with a system for downsizing

that's less random and more humane. See, here's what we do.

We take the employee's number of days missed

multiply it by the number of days late, divided by seniority

plus the number of customer complaints.

Okay, use your formula to reduce the work force by three percent.

Or it's back to the finger of fate.

Can we factor in stupid glasses and see who that knocks out?

Why, Bobeck, sometimes you're just plain evil.

Why, thank you, sir.

Here's a question I don't want an answer to.

Were you just flirting with him?

Bite me, giant drummer boy.

Oh, by the way, here's your invitation

to the office Christmas party.

Thanks. Who are you bringin'?

I'll pause here for your dignity.

Don't worry about me. I got my eye on somebody.

Who is your date? Puttin' a skirt on your dog?

You know, you really know how to hurt a guy, Mimi.

You know, you're tappin' into a lot of pain

and vulnerability here.

♪ No-no-no-no no-no-no-no no-no-no-no ♪

No, no, I'm serious. I'm not settin' you up.

I'm all alone for the holidays. It's really bringin' me down.

Oh, knock it off. Nobody is believing you.

Ooh, bo-hoo-hoo.

[pops]

♪ Goes the weasel ♪

- Hey, good-lookin'. - Hey, Drew.

Actually, I was talking to the cake.

"Congratulations, Lisa."

Hard to believe she's gettin' married, huh?

I guess some couples are just meant to be, I guess.

Wow, Drew, I'm really proud of you.

I mean, throwing Lisa a wedding shower, for God's sake

that's really classy.

Well, I'm glad she's gettin' married.

I mean, she's no spring chicken anymore.

What is she, 70?

Drew, who are we talkin' about?

Lisa, in appliances.

No, the person that's getting married is Lisa.

Lisa, your ex-girlfriend.

- Li-Lisa? My Lisa? - Oh, oh, my God.

Drew, I-I thought you knew.

You're not still attached to her, are you?

No, I'm-I'm not attached to my Lisa at all.

Oh, oh, man. Just get out of here. I'll handle this.

I sure could use a friend right now.

Drew, leave the cake.

Lisa, there you are.

- Congratulations. - Oh, thanks. Come here, Drew.

Listen, I-I just wanna tell you, I'm-I'm really touched.

You know, if the tables were turned

and you were gettin' married

I don't know if I could be so cool about it.

And here you are, throwing me and Trent a party.

Trent? You're marrying Trent in men's furnishings?

That's what I said when I first heard about it.

Here I am still singin' it.

Hey, let's open my gifts.

Oh, look, you guys, this one's from Drew.

Uh, I think I got you the wrong size. Lemme just take that back.

Don't be silly, Drew. You know my size.

Okay.

"Though things may be sagging

"and your sex drive is lagging

I'll still be bragging what a hot number you were."

Come on. I wouldn't be that insensitive. I got it for her.

[instrumental music]

(Drew) 'I can't believe Lisa's gettin' married'

'only three months after we broke up.'

How could that happen so fast?

Buddy, take it from me.

The best thing to do is just to wish her well and move on.

Like the time you tried to run over

your ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend?

Hey, if she didn't wanna get hit, she wouldn't have been

weaving all over her front lawn like that.

- Uh, hey, guys. - Hey.

[door shuts]

[chuckles]

You guys look worn out.

Well, that damn Santa has been ridin' us all day.

You know, we shouldn't have to put up with this garbage on

our second jobs, I mean, we've been bustin' our humps all day.

Pickin' up kids, givin' 'em candy canes. And what do we get?

"Mommy, mommy, the giant bean is grabbin' me."

[telephone ringing]

Hello. It's for you.

- Who is it? - Santa.

How did he know we'd be at your house?

He knows when you are sleeping, he knows when you're awake. Hm.

(Lewis) Hello.

Yes, I'll accept the charges.

Yes, Santa.

Uh, no, Santa.

- Sorry, Santa. - 'What is it?'

That was Santa's one phone call.

Apparently, he woke up in the parking lot

of a Capri lounge in a bad way.

- He wants us to bail him out? - Yeah, yeah.

But the good news is, uh, we might see ourselves on "Cops."

- Oh. - Yeah, let's go.

[instrumental music]

Good, Bobeck, you're here.

I need you to distribute the Christmas bonuses.

Oh, sure.

"A tree will be planted in your name for the Tree Foundation."

Where do all those trees go anyway?

You know, pretty much around my house.

I'm landscaping.

So, uh, Mr. Wick, are you excited

about the Winfred-Louder Christmas party?

Sadly, I, uh, heh, don't have a date.

You know, I just had a crazy thought.

- If you're not doing anything... - Yes?

[telephone ringing]

That'll be my gardener.

We'll talk later.

Damn. I was so close.

He was gonna ask me to the party. I just know it.

Hm. Oh, I'm tingling all over. Whoo!

Oh, holy night! Whoo!

Alright. So what was I lookin' for?

Oh, yeah, a place to throw up.

Oh, gee, and I did something nice for you.

I ran your firing program through the computer

and the first two lucky firees are on their way up.

You sent both guys up at once?

I can't fire two people at the same time.

It's gonna be horrible.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Oh, what was I lookin' for?

Oh, yeah, a way to screw you.

[laughs]

- Hey, Drew. - Oh.

Hi, Stan, listen, uh, have a seat

I just gotta have to tell somebody to wait in the lobby.

Take your time, I was just smokin' in the lounge anyway.

Yeah, I know, it's against the rules.

Hey, my formula works.

- Hey, Drew. - Hey, Trent.

There's my Lisa's fiancé. What are you doin' up here?

Well, Mimi said you wanted to see me.

Mimi...

- Oh. - Hey, listen, by the way...

Thank you for the wedding gift.

For an ex-boyfriend, you are really cool.

Oh, hey, Stan. What, uh, Drew called you up here, too?

- Huh? - Uh-huh.

Are we employees of the month?

Actually, Trent, I called you up here

to tell you what a great job you're doin'.

- Oh. Oh, cool. - Keep up the good work.

I'd like to, uh, stick around and chat, but, um

I think I might have left my register open.

Hey, while you're down here, would you close mine, too?

Yeah, sure, Stan. See you later, Drew.

(Stan) 'Thanks.'

Oh, man.

So, Stan, bet you're wonderin' why I called you up here.

Alright, I know a guy who can get you some stuff.

But you gotta pay up front.

First, let me thank you for making

this moment so much easier.

Secondly, how'd you like to stay home and smoke all day long?

Oh, man, I would love that.

- Well, Merry Christmas. - Thanks.

[instrumental music]

Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas.

Look, Santa, we're bringin' the kids

in and out as fast as we can.

You kick me in the ass one more time and I quit.

Yeah, and stop calling me the dumb one.

The dumb one has a name, it's Oswald.

Hey, look, for 11 months out of the year, I'm just a fat old man

but for one month I'm king. This is my time.

Now bring in another kid. And this time, no weapons.

Next kid that cuts the cheese on Santa gets five bucks.

Pass it on.

Hey, elfie, right here.

Uh, hey, don't take a picture of me doing that.

I can lose my job, you nimrod.

- Gimme, gimme, gimme that. - No, no. This is over.

Now I got proof here that Santa's a jackass.

Okay, come on, guys... Danger, here's danger.

Look, Santa's nose looks like a road map.

Look at that. Ah? Look at--

Break it up, break it up.

Geez, I didn't know Santa's village needed a bouncer.

- Hey, Drew. - Hey. Oh, Lisa.

- Am I glad to see you. - Come on, we need to talk.

Okay, but first let me thank you.

Trent said you told him what a great job he's doing.

You didn't have to do that.

You know, the one thing you never fail to do is surprise me.

Well, here we go again.

I called him up to fire him.

- What? - Hold on, let me explain.

See, I came up with this totally objective formula

to determine which employees deserve to be fired.

Oh, sure, and somehow coincidentally

it pointed to the man that I'm going to marry?

No, the coincidence is you're about to marry

one of the two guys who sucks at his job.

You're jealous!

- I am not. - Alright, fine.

If you're not jealous, then sit down with him

and tell him what he needs to do to save this job.

Okay, I'll talk to him, but this is not about jealousy.

You know, I haven't exactly been sittin' at home

since we broke up.

I got dumped by a married woman.

I had a couple of uncomfortable dates.

And there are several very attractive women who in a moment

of weakness or after just the right number of drinks

might possibly consider goin' out with me.

So don't you feel sorry for Drew Carey.

Drew, uh, I need some petty cash for Santa.

He wants a-a bucket of chicken, a carton of smokes

and some medicine from Al's Liquor.

I'm not buying Santa booze.

Oh, come on, Drew, you can fire him tomorrow.

Right now the guy is in a bad way.

Santa's startin' to leave Las Vegas, if you know what I mean.

Alright, buy him a small bottle of peppermint schnapps.

His breath will smell like he's been eating candy canes.

Well, I hope you're planning on bathing him in it, too

'cause his breath is just a tip of the iceberg.

[instrumental music]

- Hey, Kate. - Uh, hi!

Wait!

You know, we haven't had much time to talk

you know, woman to woman.

I time my breaks that way.

Well, maybe I deserve that, but I don't have that many

women friends, so if you could just grow up and kind of

put some of the things I've said about you aside...

- I need some advice. - What's up?

Well, you know how men are naturally attracted to me.

- Yeah. - Well...

[sighs] There's this one guy who's havin' a hard time

workin' up the nerve to tell me.

- Who is it? - Oh.

Like I'm gonna tell you, Ms. Easy Pants Romance.

- Alright. - Sorry. Sorry, sorry.

If you could just, you know, put that aside, too.

Fine. Well, uh...

There's nothing wrong with a woman making the first move.

Tell him you're not into playing games.

It's just, "I like you and I wanna go out. What do you say?"

[scoffs] Well, that was worth it.

I was lookin' for a spell or a trick.

Okay. Never mind.

So, Mr. Wick, I need to ask you something.

I need to ask you something.

[clears throat] I-it's about the, the Christmas party.

Ah, as you know, I-I'm somewhat shy.

Well, you know what they say about the shy ones.

No. What do they say?

[indistinct whispering]

Good Lord, Bobeck.

You've got a mouth that would make a streetwalker blush.

Speaking of streetwalker blush, that's

a very provocative color you've chosen.

Oh, well, it looks even nicer in the morning.

Let me get to the point, Mimi.

There are quite a few ladies that I'd like to ask out

but I've, I've never been very good at it.

So, um, so here's a list of 25 ladies

I-I'm too shy to call.

You, you want me to call these women

and invite them to the Christmas party for you?

Oh. Well, boy, that's a lot to ask.

But you're a nice guy, so, sure, I'll do it.

You're a good soldier.

Carry on.

[scoffs]

Oh, hi. Is this Tania?

Oh, I'm calling for Mr. Nigel Wick.

Have you been itchin' in any sensitive areas lately?

No? Oh, well, that's all he wanted to know.

Good luck. Bye-bye.

Hey, Drew.

Oh, man, I feel so bad about Stan.

Here I was, gloating, and he's about to get the axe.

[chuckles] Well, they never see it coming, do they?

- Hm. - 'Heh-heh.'

So, what's up?

I gotta tell you, Trent, you're not doin' so well.

Well, w-what do you mean?

Yesterday you said I was doing terrific.

Yeah, but I reassessed a few things, the absences

the lateness, leaving your counter

to look at an accident outside.

I know, I know I've been slackin' off a little lately

but, you know, Drew, this isn't exactly my dream job.

Well, maybe that's your problem. I mean, look at your resume.

All in one year, a paralegal, a gardener, ice sculptor

acupuncturist, career counselor?

You know things have a better chance of workin' out

if you just decide what you want before you make a commitment.

You know, you need stability. You're about to get married.

Yeah, and I'm rushing into that, too.

[chuckles]

Oh, God! Oh, God, Drew, you're right.

I'm making the same mistake I always make.

What? Oh, no, no, no. See, I was just talking about work.

In your private life, you should just be

as reckless as you wanna be.

No, no, no, Drew, you're

you're on to somethin' here. Hey, you know...

I took one of those aptitude tests once.

It said I should travel. And what am I doin'?

I'm stuck in a do-nothing job, about to get married.

Drew, the thing said I had potential.

Oh, potential isn't good, that's what they tell high-school kids

to make them work harder when they're really just dummies.

Forget them. You are gettin' married.

- I can't do this, Drew. - Sure you can.

What are you worried about? You have a job here.

Let me make it easy for ya. I quit.

Oh.

Yeah, this is Drew Carey. Could I talk to Lisa, please?

She's in the bridal department? Oh.

Well, at least she hasn't made out her invitations yet. Oh.

Well, at least she hasn't put a deposit on her wedding dress.

What?

[receiver slams]

It's not my fault.

Oh, my God, you look beautiful!

Thanks. What's not your fault?

That you're the sweetest, most understanding

forgiving person in the whole wide world.

Oh, my God, you did it! You fired him!

Drew, do you know how bad this is gonna look

you getting beaten up by a bride in the middle of the store?

I didn't fire him. If you're gonna hit anybody, hit Trent.

He's the one who's backing out of marrying ya.

- What? - Hey.

Better now than at the altar.

What the hell did you say to him?

Nothin'. We were just talkin' about how he rushes into things.

Then all of a sudden he decided he didn't wanna get married.

You are jealous. You just can't let me go, can you?

Oh, you should talk, you're the one that's havin' a hard time

gettin' over me, rush into a marriage you're not ready for

and to a guy who doesn't even have a job.

[gasps] What do you mean he doesn't even have a job?

Oh, yeah, there's somethin' else I forgot to tell you.

- He quit. - Alright, I've heard enough.

Let's go. Where do you want it, face or stomach?

Drew, I have to talk to you.

- Hi. - Not now.

- Drew, Santa's dead. - Huh!

[gasps] Oh, my God, our store Santa?

- 'Yeah' - What happened? Where is he?

Oh, he's still on the throne.

We put the ropes around him

so the kids can't get in.

We told them Santa's havin' a little nap with his eyes open

'cause he's always watchin' you.

What are you doing? Who's watching Santa?

Don't worry, I found a way to distract the kids.

- Hi. - W-what-what are they doing?

They're having a staring contest with Santa.

[instrumental music]

- Hey, guys. - Hey!

Oh, my, God. I heard what happened to you guys.

Poor Santa!

And I can't believe his last words were

"And to all, a good night."

Well, actually, that's just what we told the kids.

His real last words were, "I'll see you in hell, Oswald."

Maybe there's a message here.

You shouldn't be mean and abusive

especially at Christmas time.

Or maybe you shouldn't eat just pork and cheese and wash it down

with a pack of smokes and a quart full of gin.

(Kate) 'Yeah.'

But I still hold to my theory that you can eat anything

you want as long as you just walk a little.

[doorbell rings]

Coming! Ahem.

Hey, I'm walkin' to the door. Now I can have more chips.

[clears throat]

[door opens]

- Lisa? - Hi, Drew.

So where were we?

I just, uh, ruined

your marriage and your life.

So, okay, stomach, I guess.

[laughs] I'm not gonna hit you.

I'm not mad. Trent told me it wasn't your fault.

Oh, God, am I glad to hear you say that.

You know, I don't wanna say anything, but, you know

jumping from job to job, aimlessly walking through life

frankly, I think he's kind of flaky.

And let's face it, he's no Einstein. So...

Drew, he's in the car. We're eloping.

Oh? Okay. Stomach again, I guess.

Look, he said it wasn't your fault

and he just freaked out a little, but-but now we're okay.

Oh, then that's great. Let me go congratulate him.

No, no, no. Stay right here.

Right. So where are you goin'?

We're gonna drive up to Niagara, get married

and then, uh, take a driving trip across Canada.

And then Trent's gonna take some time off to decide

what he wants to do for a career.

Oh, man, well...

[car honking]

That's great. I'm really happy for you.

Thanks.

I should get going.

Oh, wait, I didn't even get you a wedding present.

Um, here.

Why don't you take these? It's cold up there.

I'm gonna miss you.

What?

Hold on, wait a second.

If you don't want your naked pictures back say, "Huh."

Huh?

Just kidding. Take care of yourself.

[car honking]

♪ I know ♪ ♪ I know ♪

♪ That you're going with another guy ♪

♪ I don't care ♪ ♪ Don't care ♪

♪ Cause I love you baby that's no lie ♪

♪ I love you more than I did ♪

♪ When you were mine ♪

[instrumental music]

Hey, Lewis, check it out.

Hey, they're cute.

(Lewis) Uh-huh. They're looking at us.

Uh...

(Oswald) Uh, Lewis, I think I know what they're staring at.

What?

You got a piece of popcorn, like a...

- Right here? Right here? - Yeah?

- Yeah. - Thanks.

- Ready? - Uh...

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]