Original subtitles

Drew, you sure this is the sex channel?

Been that long, huh, buddy?

[laughing]

No, it's just that I can't make it out

through all those squiggly lines.

Why don't you just pay the ten bucks a month

so we can actually see it?

I can't.

I already get the Cartoon Network

and I heard if you get that and the sex channel

they put you in a special file.

What are they doing?

You see, Oswald, when two people fall in love--

I know.

But how old are these porn stars?

I could swear, he's giving her oxygen.

Wait, I think they're actually talking.

(man on TV) 'And as the doctor cuts into the patient's abdomen'

'the pancreas becomes..'

This isn't the sex channel.

It's a surgery channel.

Yeah, but if you think about it

they're still naked.

[knocking on door]

Well, if history has taught us anything

it's my mom.

You guys, you gotta help me.

I can't get rid of my date.

He wanted to go back to my place.

So, I told him I lived here.

I don't want some weirdo in my house.

We're trying to watch scrambled surgery here.

Please, please, I just want you to act

like my crazy family so he'll leave me alone. Please.

Alright. I'm taping this anyway.

Okay, here he comes. Scatter.

- Okay. - Go.

Kate, my pet.

'I'm sorry I took so long.'

Did you miss me?

No.

What do you say, we start off with a little drink?

Okay, okay, why not?

Since we're here all alone.

I knew you were fooling around with me, woman.

[gasps] Oh, no, Clarke.

My obsessively jealous boyfriend.

That's right, now I'm mighty angry.

Oh, gee, I-I didn't know you were living here with someone--

- 'Hmm, yeah.' - Maybe I should just leave.

Yeah, maybe you oughta

'cause things are gonna get ugly.

Wait a minute, I can't leave you with this guy. He's dangerous.

No, he-he's not dangerous. He's just stupid.

You can go. I'm fine. Yeah.

Stupid.

Stupid.

Nobody calls me stupid.

[glass shattering]

Hey, what the hell's going on here?

Uncle Billy, thank God you're here.

Clarke, what you doing here?

I thought I made it clear to you this is my woman.

Oh, my God. I gotta get you out of this house.

Uh, no, you don't want her.

She's gonna have a baby.

- You're pregnant? - Yeah, it's my baby.

And I'm her brother.

Wait, if you are her brother

why do you have an accent?

Uh, 'cause I was born on vacation.

No, you weren't

and I oughta know, I'm your father.

No, no. I'm your father.

No, you're not. You're my father.

[indistinct chattering]

This is crazy, Kate.

I gotta get you out of here.

Please.

There's this shelter I can take you to.

Yeah, whatever.

So, ends another evening

of trailer park dinner theater.

Join us tomorrow and we'll present

Tennessee Williams, a truck stop named Desire.

[theme music]

♪ Up every mornin' just to keep our job ♪

♪ I gotta find my way through the husslin' mob ♪

♪ Sounds of the city poundin' in my brain ♪

♪ While another day goes down the drain ♪

♪ But it's a 5 o'clock world when the whistle blows ♪

♪ No one owns a piece of my time ♪

♪ And there's a 5 o'clock me inside my clothes ♪

♪ Thinkin' that the world looks fine yeah ♪

♪ Holiday ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

(Drew) 'It's always hard to mourn'

'the passing of a fellow employee.'

Even though she only worked here a week

before she was hit by that speeding car.

Sally Krasinski will always be thought of

as a member of the Winfred-Louder family.

Is she the one with the red hair?

Brown. Anyway, it was a tragedy.

Who knows why these things happen?

I'll tell you why.

'Cause there's no light at that damn intersection out front.

She's the fourth one this year.

It's like a freakin' death trap.

We need a light.

(together) Light, light, light--

Hey, hey, hey.

Can you show a little respect

for you know, "What's your face here?"

Does any one have anything they'd like to say?

Oh, maybe there's something in her file.

Let's see her hobbies were...

Oh, this is ironic, speed walking.

Uh, Mr. Wick.

- Anything you'd like to say? - No, not really.

Might boost morale, sir.

Well, of course.

Well, what can we say about Sally?

Uh, she had a good, uh, heart

and a lovely spirit.

Uh, yes, Sally Pullman will be sadly missed.

Sir, it was, uh, Sally Krasinski that passed away.

That snitty, little bitch.

Well, I suppose she wasn't that snitty.

Oh, carry on.

Uh, in closing, if we learned anything

from the passing of Sally, may she rest in peace

is that if you drop your purse in the middle of the street

let it go.

Enjoy the donuts. Amen.

Sorry, I'm late.

Good morning, Mr. Wick.

Did I miss the memorial?

Yeah, just...

Oh, my God, it's Malibu Kate.

Well, I thought about changing my name

but it just seemed so superficial.

Speaking as a blonde, let me tell you you're gonna have

to get used to being treated as a sex object.

I mean, I had to gain weight

get a middle management job

and get these goofy glasses

just to be taken seriously.

Yeah.

It's gonna be so great to start fresh.

I-I think my problem was as a brunette

I looked too dark and angry.

Now, I'm sunny, happy, easy-going.

You know, Kate, I don't think your hair color has any--

Shut up! Can I have one dream?

A bit much. Don't you think?

Said the desert to the grain of sand.

I want Sally

"I have no peripheral vision" Krasinski’s job.

First of all, let me thank you

for not bringing that up during the ceremony.

for not bringing that up during the ceremony. And secondly, and it pains me to say this..

And secondly, and it pains me to say this..

♪ No no no no no no no no no-- ♪

Why not?

♪ Because we’re transferring someone in ♪

♪ You bite you lose oh well la la la ♪

Why did they bring in somebody else?

I can sell electronics just as good as anybody.

That's where you're wrong, my multi-colored friend.

We are bringing in the best of the best

Dexter K. Roberts.

The highest grossing salesman

in the history of the Winfred-Louder chain.

We had to trade five shoe salesmen

and Easy Edner from Accounting but we got him.

I know who Dexter is.

A friend of mine went to one of his parties.

She didn't come home for three days.

Then it was just a shower, check your mail

and go right back.

I can't wait to meet this guy.

I mean, he gets connections.

He-he goes everywhere.

And I know we're gonna hit it of.

I mean, he's a party guy, I'm a party guy.

He likes sports, I like sports.

He goes to all the cool places.

I'd like to know where they are.

For once, I don't totally disagree

with your stupid asinine opinions.

It will be good to have somebody breathe

a little life into this place.

I haven't brought out my party dress in a while.

Is that the one without the horn sewn into it?

Yes.

[laughing]

You know, Dex, I don't usually laugh at bald jokes

about myself, but that was a good one.

So, when do you want that karaoke system delivered?

Gee, I don't think I can, uh, afford it right now.

Hey, it's less than 95 cents a day.

What else can give you that much pleasure

for less than 95 cents a day?

Well, uh, I guess my kids don't need that speech therapy.

I'll go get a check.

Wow, you are good.

Everything I heard about you is true. Welcome aboard.

Nice voice. You sing?

Hey, don't start that stuff with me.

[laughing]

Listen, I've heard a lot about you.

Really, you've heard about me.

Are you kidding, everybody's taking about

the work you have done at this store.

You're the man. You're the guy to know.

You're the guy that gets things done.

I'm sorry, I can't quite hear you.

Can you yell that?

I'm serious.

I was told you're the guy to connect with.

And if I could ever do anything for you...

...just say the word, Mr. Wick.

Oh, uh, I'm, I'm Drew Carey.

[laughing]

Well, hey, it's good to meet you anyway

and all that stuff still goes.

See you when I see you.

Oh, and who are you? My last little chip?

Did you get separated from the herd?

Have you seen my family?

Yeah, I think they went that way.

Well, that Dex, he made me laugh so hard

I completely forgot who I was going to fire.

I know, I'll let go of the next employee

to end a sentence with a preposition.

Now, where did Mimi go to?

Being quiet. Oh boy, that could have been ugly.

Where did you guys go?

We went to Manny's Grill with Dex.

I was in the coffee room, I was only gone for two minutes.

- How are we supposed to know? - I left a sign on my desk.

"I'm in the coffee room, I'll be back in two minutes."

I'm sorry, Carey.

You were abandoned by your co-workers.

Now you're feeling left out.

Oh dear, I feel inappropriate laughs are comin' on.

Great. Everybody got to go to lunch except me.

Oh, it wasn't everyone.

Hey, Drew. Hey, Kate.

Wasn't that a great lunch? Good times, huh?

Oswald, you went too?

You didn't miss anything at lunch, Drew.

- Well, the magic tricks. - Well...

- He did magic? - Yeah.

He removed the table cloth

without disturbing the food.

I've seen that.

Well, yeah, and then, he put it back.

(Oswald) 'Yeah.'

Drew, we missed you at lunch.

Oh, that's okay, I did a little magic trick of my own.

I went to the coffee room for two minutes

and the whole office disappeared.

I'm sorry, man.

Oh, it looks like you had a nice lunch here.

You still got a little something right by your mouth.

- Oh! - Let me get it for you.

Oh, my God. What do we have here?

'Oh, oh, oh.'

And I think, it may be comin' out of the other end too.

[all shouting]

[all laughing]

What did Drew eat for lunch?

Thanks, buddy.

[Oswald laughing]

Well, that was either, uh, incredibly fun

or really humiliating.

That depends on if you're us or you.

See you guys at the party tonight.

- Okay. - Yeah, right.

- There's a party? - Dexter's party.

Everybody got an invitation this morning.

Yeah, even me and Lewis were invited.

We're gonna stock the party with buzz beer.

You did get an invitation, didn't you?

Is it those little envelopes with those writing on it

with directions? Yeah, yeah, it's around here somewhere.

Okay, see you at the big party.

- Bye. - Okay. Bye.

Uh...

It's gotta be around here somewhere.

If you're looking for your dignity

try checkin' your confetti hole.

Of course, you.

What did you do with my invitation to Dexter's party?

What invitation? What party?

Uh, nothing.

- Did you find yours? - Yeah.

- Really? - No.

- You? - No.

Well, it's not like I really wanted to go anyway.

Hey, maybe it slipped under my computer.

[grunts]

Nope.

Yeah, it's like everybody got invited but us.

Why us?

[instrumental music]

[thud]

Oh, man. There are beer goggles big enough.

Hey, Tim. Give me a beer and a double cheese burger.

- Hold the onions. - You got it.

One Dex burger.

He's got his own sandwich?

I've been comin' here since junior high.

How come you never named anything after me?

They did. Give him the key to the Drew.

Oh, sorry, Drew, those table are reserved

for parties of three or more.

You mind sitting at the bar?

Oh, yeah, if I can fight my way through the crowd.

Excuse me, pardon me, coming through.

Whoop, watch your hands. Pardon me, excuse me, hi.

So, I guess you didn't find your invitation, huh, pig?

Oh, let's see, it's, uh, Friday night, 9:30.

I'm stuck here talking to you. Take a wild guess.

You mad Dexter didn't invite you?

No, I got better things to do with my time.

[hissing]

You paying for the lady?

Oh, her.

Yeah, sure. Why not?

Thanks for coughin' up the buck.

I think I'm in love.

Here, here's five.

Never say that to me again.

So, uh, I guess it's like this a lot

for people like us, huh?

People like us?

Yeah, you know.

Not get invited to the parties and stuff.

I don't know what you're talking about.

I'm very popular.

Dex just didn't invite me because he was jealous.

He was afraid that I would be the center of attention.

Well, then why didn't he invite me?

Well, look at you.

So, you-you've never felt like an outsider, ever?

If I did, I wouldn't tell you.

Well, if you don't tell me, I'll tell you

an uncomfortable story about my teen years.

You're bluffing.

I was under my covers

and I thought my parents had left for the night...

Alright, alright.

There was a time when I wasn't so popular.

But that was before I started wearing make-up.

After that I bet you got invited

to a lot of children's parties, huh?

[laughing]

You know, I don't see anyone else here.

Uh, sorry.

This sucks.

You know, this really sucks.

Yeah, it's bad enough when kids do it.

When adults do it, it really stinks.

Well, you know what my grandma always says?

When people hurt you, just turn the other cheek

and when they think you're not looking...

...bam, you coldcock 'em.

That's a family tree you don't wanna shake.

I'm sure there must be some way

to get back at these people.

What's the best way to ruin a party?

Oh, when my-my mum and dad had a big party once

I was under my covers again

and the pastor and his wife walked in--

Knock it off.

What are we gonna do?

I know, I know, I know, I got it.

We show up.

Brilliant.

Alright. First I gotta hit the Drew.

Wait. Save it for the party.

Ooh, good one.

This has gotta be at least the fifth biggest margarita

I've ever drank in my life.

The fifth biggest?

Well, frat party, frat party, frat party

and the super mucho grande margarita at La Cucarachas

which actually has its own undertow.

Hey, everybody. It's time to mix the margaritas.

Great party, Dex.

I love the daiquiri bathtub.

Hey did you try the Corona toilet?

Oh, I gotta get some.

- Hey. - Ha ha ha.

Hey, you seen Drew?

No, he hasn't gotten here yet.

What happened to your face?

Global Parcel just changed their slogan to

"If you're more than 20 minutes late with your package

we'll fight ya."

Men are so shallow.

Why don't you come over to my place later

and we'll talk about it?

(Oswald) 'What's the matter?'

Isn't it obvious?

I've been drinking margaritas

from a wading pool, nothing is obvious.

You guys haven't noticed that since I've become a blonde

every guy here is majorly hitting on me?

Hey, anybody know where the ice is?

Just lay off, buddy.

I'm not easy just 'cause I'm blonde.

Uh, right over there, where that brunette is standing.

Oh, she's sexy.

So, Kate, uh--

Alright, nobody's hitting on me.

I bleached my hair till my skin burned

and what do I get?

"Excuse me, I think a clump of your hair

just fell in my drink."

Well, I think we've all learnt a little lesson here, Kate.

I know, be happy with what I've got

and work on the inside

rather than what's on the outside.

Actually, I was gonna suggest you try a baby voice

but that's good too.

Hey, in-crowd. Look who's here.

The only two people who didn't get invited.

Oh, suddenly things are a little awkward, huh?

What are you doing, Drew?

Making everybody uncomfortable.

Hey, everybody. Let's Wang Chung tonight.

I know how to kick-start this party.

Who wants to see me turn my boxers into a thong?

- Eww! - No!

Hey, Drew, look, it's a margarita pool.

I think it needs some mixin'.

I do believe you're right.

(all) Oh!

Drew, what the hell's going on?

Oh, what's the matter, Dex?

You don't like me crashing your party?

Crashing it? What are you talking about?

You were invited.

Oh, yeah. Then how come I didn't get an invitation?

- You got one. - No, I didn't.

Check your breast pocket.

Well, how do you expect me to find it?

I put one in every pocket.

'I figured you had to check one.'

It was sleight of hand when I was doing the scarf trick.

What did you think, I was just trying to make you

look like a jerk?

Well, yeah.

And, uh, now, I got a little trick of my own.

It's called, Pull my head out of my butt.

It goes something like this.

Ta-da. Thank you.

So, wh-where did you put mine?

Actually, you weren't invited.

Why not, you big sack of stupid?

Well, you're mean.

Oh, yeah. I'll show you mean.

Drew, let's get to work.

I got an invitation, and I think

it's in these walls somewhere.

Hey, hey, Mimi, Mimi.

You know, I-I think you should leave.

Or what, you're gonna call the cops?

I already did. They should be here any second.

Alright, we're goin'.

Come on, Drew.

- Uh... - Drew.

Oh, right with you.

Hey, hey, are those, uh, three different kinds of potato salad?

- Drew. - Drew, join the party, man.

You don't have to leave.

He's right. You don't gotta go.

I could drive myself.

Uh, yes, I-I do have to leave

and I-I'll tell you why.

'Cause Mimi's a fellow employee

and, uh, I know what it's like to be left out.

Let me tell you another thing.

I don't think it's right. I'm not gonna be a part of it.

'Cause people are people

and you have to learn to accept 'em for what they are.

And they're people. That's all they should be.

That's all they should have to be.

That's all they're ever gonna be.

Come on, pal. What you saving it for?

I think I made my point.

Anybody who stays here oughta be ashamed of themselves.

I never thought I'd see the day

when Drew left a party with Mimi.

(Drew) 'Oh, my God. What have I done?'

Hey, did they really make animals this small?

Those are normal size. Your hands are just getting fatter.

Don't get any on the seats. I just got new seat covers.

Why, the old ones commit suicide?

We're here.

Thanks for ruining my gas mileage, anvil butt.

And, uh, thanks for leaving the party with me.

Ah, doesn't matter anyway. It wasn't right.

Hey, look, uh...

I don't wanna get sappy or anything--

Get out, pig. It's not a date.

Gotcha.