Original subtitles

Ah, I see you majored in business at Yale.

Wharton MBA, three years at Procter & Gamble.

You know, I think that you are perfect for the job.

Here's your Santa stomach and your suit.

Whoo! You might wanna wash out the stomach. Congratulations.

I'll keep this on file in case the CEO position opens up.

Ho-ho-ho. Ha-ha...

I am done! Yes, yes, yes! Da-da, da-da.

Let me guess, they finally found the hunters

who stole your tusks.

Oh, you think that's funny, the slaughter

of an endangered species?

Were you laughing when Buffalo Bill

was destroying entire herds?

It's different when it's family

isn't it?

It might be, Chief Rubbing Thighs.

If you have to know, I'm happy

because for the first time in seven years

I'm done early with all my holiday hiring.

Which means I can have a hassle-free Thanksgiving.

Hey, did you know that on Thanksgiving Day

Domino's delivers in only 15 minutes?

Alone for Thanksgiving, huh?

Can't find anybody to watch you eat this year?

For your information, I have a date.

And just because I'm the kinda guy that likes to slow down

at accidents, what are you doin'?

Well, like the rest of the world

I'm gonna be with my family.

We're gonna be talkin' about the things

we're most thankful for.

Last year, mine was, I'm not you.

- Drew? - Hi, Debbie.

- Hi. - Who is that?

She fixes the copy machines. She's also my Thanksgiving date.

- Click. - Aren't you gonna introduce me?

No. I like her.

- Hi. - Oh, so this is her.

This is what you left me for

after I gave you the best six years of my life?

[sobbing]

She's kidding. We never went out.

Just ignore her.

Oh, well, you can't ignore me.

If you could, you wouldn't be knockin' on my door

every night, beggin' for it.

Well, is this true?

No, of course, it's not.

Oh, who am I kiddin'? Yes, it's all true.

Come on, honey. Give daddy some sugar.

Oh, oh. I lied! Oh, I lied! Oh!

Yuck! Ooh, now I know the last thing a pizza sees. Ugh!

[laughing]

So, um, Drew, since it's just gonna be

the two of us for Thanksgiving, you don't mind

if I come over early, watch the game, do you?

Well, as long as you don't me mind sittin'

in front of the TV in my underwear.

Wow, one more thing to be thankful for.

[chuckles] I can't wait until Thanksgiving.

Oh, and, uh, we're talkin' boxers, right?

Well, for company, sure. Why not?

[Debbie laughs]

Carey, pick a name out of the hat.

Jones, you're fired.

Doesn't it bother you that you have to do that?

[sighs] Yes.

I long for the day when I can do it

simply because I want to. Heh-heh-heh.

And that day may be coming soon.

I've just thought of a brilliant business idea.

A Winfred-Louder Thanksgiving Day Parade!

Wow, a parade, now, Cleveland hasn't had

a Thanksgiving Day Parade in years. That's a great idea.

Hm. I want you to organize it.

- Me? - Hm.

I get to organize the whole thing?

Oh, my God. Thank you, sir.

I can't wait to get started.

You know, next year we're gonna have the best

Thanksgiving Day Parade ever.

No, this year, Carey.

Yup, next year's gonna be great.

I said this year, Carey.

I heard what you said, and I said next year's

gonna be great 'cause this year's gonna suck!

I can't put together a parade in only two weeks.

Well, perhaps, you should have told me that

before I put out the press release.

- You put out a press release? - With your picture.

The entire city of Cleveland is depending on you.

Not to mention, the employees of this store.

If this holiday sale isn't a success

I'll be finding new ways of firing people.

[chuckles]

Look, I don't want anybody else to get fired, and I love

a parade, but unless the crowds wanna see me walkin'

up and down Euclid Avenue with my thumb up my butt

this ain't gonna happen.

Save all that for the press conference.

Uh, what press conference?

The one you're having in five

four, three, two, one.

So, Carey, tell Cleveland about your Thanksgiving Day Parade.

Uh, ahem, all I can say is, I give it a big thumbs up.

[theme song]

♪ Moon over Parma ♪

♪ Bring my love to me tonight ♪

♪ Guide her to Cleveland underneath your silvery light ♪

♪ We're going bowlin' so don't lose her in Solon ♪

♪ Moon over Parma tonight ♪

[instrumental music]

Yeah, hello. Yeah, I know this is short notice.

But I'm calling from Winfred-Louder and I need

some giant balloons for a Thanksgiving Day Parade.

Have-have you got anything available?

Oh, really? A world-famous cartoon character?

Well, who the hell is Tommy the Rabbit?

Well, what else you got?

Uh-huh. A cow and a big spark plug.

Well, I can put a giant Santa hand on the spark plug.

What the hell do I do with the cow?

Oh, no, thank you. That's where I keep my thumb.

[receiver slams]

[knocking on door]

Coming.

[sighs] Gotta keep my spirits up.

Gotta stay positive.

I hope, I hope, I hope, I hope this is death.

[door opens]

Hi, Drew. I got your mail.

Wow! It's a kind of a big step, gettin' each other's mail.

[chuckles] Well, an even bigger step.

You passed the no-weird-catalogues test.

Oh. Glad you didn't get Friday's mail.

[chuckles]

- So how's the parade goin'? - Great!

It's really comin' together, I got a cow

a giant spark plug and Tommy the Rabbit.

So the parade's gonna be really crappy, huh?

Well, at least I got my permits, that's the first step

in a really successful parade where, "The city won't block off

"the streets, so the floats have to travel at the minimum speed

of 40 miles an hour."

Well, hey, hey, here's an idea, instead of a parade

you can call it a race.

Hey, that's great, and next time you go bowlin'

we'll call it exercise.

[knocking on door]

Coming.

- 'Hi.' - Hey, hey. Hi.

Alright, Drew, I will be right back.

I am just gonna finish spraying

"Honk if you love turkey" on your car for the parade.

My car, my-my car's in the shop.

Oh. I gotta go.

So how's the Buzz Beer float coming along?

- You guys are my last hope. - Uh...

- Great, great, great. - Good, good, yeah, good.

Huh, we had a little accident with the glue gun.

Well, give it here. I'll show you how it works.

Well, I-I...

It seems the freezing weather cuts the drying time

down from 20 minutes to pretty much when you touch it.

Yeah, if I had known that, I wouldn't have tried

to scratch my back on the garage wall. Look at this.

Drew, we're doing the best we can.

But we're tryin' to build a float on Lewis' van.

Can't we get flatbed trucks like a normal parade?

- Yeah. Mm-hmm. - Oh, trucks.

I got tons of trucks, but, see

I keep 'em in a giant airplane hangar

because I'm nuts!

- Hey. - Hey.

Did you get your housie marching band?

No, they're booked.

How about the Shriners?

I love when they drive those cute little cars.

- Oh, yeah, aren't those great? - Yeah.

- Uh-huh. - Yeah, I couldn't get 'em.

Look, I appreciate all the stuff you guys are tryin' to do for me

but let's face it, I'm screwed. This isn't gonna be a parade.

It's gonna be a 40-mile-an-hour piece of crap.

Well, the good news is, by the time

people realize that they hate it, it'll be in Akron.

[chuckles]

[knocking on door]

Oh, that Debbie is so polite.

Come on in, sunshine.

[door opens]

[door shuts]

Keep your pants on, pig. This is strictly business.

Word is, your parade's marching down Suck Street.

(Oswald) 'Let me tell you something, this parade'

may be starting out on Suck Street

but with a little elbow grease and determination

we're gonna push it up Mediocre Hill

and let it roll down Could've Been Worse Boulevard.

Yeah, and you'll been laughing out of the other side

of your mouth when it arrives to a smatterin' of tepid applause.

[laughing]

Thank you, dip and wad.

Actually, I just came over to help.

You need flatbed trucks for floats. I got 'em.

And I can make your permit problems disappear.

[bottle cap clatters]

How?

My dad's got his own trucking business.

He does a lot of work for the city.

Oh, a teamster baby. Who would've guessed? Huh.

Wait a minute, you're not doin' this

out of the kindness of your heart. What do you want?

Not much, just one little thing.

Let me guess, you want me to put on a giant diaper

and go as Baby New Year's at the office Christmas party.

Alright.

And I want somethin' else. I wanna be the snow queen.

There, you're the snow queen.

In the parade, moron.

I wanna be the snow queen at the head of the parade

on the main float.

Period, dot, end of sentence.

Why? Question mark.

'Cause ever since I was a little girl, I...

What is this, Barbara Walters? I just want it. Okay?

Do you want the trucks or not?

Drew, if you had trucks

you could have people build real floats.

People that know how to use glue guns.

All hail the snow queen.

(together) Hail the snow queen.

Beautiful. Alrighty.

Back to your cruddy little lives, my loyal losers.

[laughs]

Well, it's kind of like a fairy tale.

- I got our parade! - Yeah.

Hey, you wanna know the best part?

Snow queen just slipped on the ice and fell on her royal ass.

[instrumental music]

I wanna thank everybody for gettin' up at the break of dawn

and helping out with our Thanksgiving holiday.

The floats look great.

Also, I'm not sayin' I approve of the legalized marijuana float

but if you guys are gonna finish it, you got like an hour.

They're still at breakfast.

Okay then, well, let's just get out there and give Cleveland

and Winfred-Louder the best damn parade...

Let's just try not to embarrass ourselves, okay?

You've done brilliantly, Carey.

You may have saved the jobs of hundreds of employees.

All you need now is Grand Marshal Squiggy!

Hello.

Oh, my God! You're Squiggy.

Well, no, Squiggy is just a character I portrayed.

My real name is David L Lander and I want you to know

I really don't wanna be here.

Of course, you do. Of course, you do.

Mr. Lander was kind enough to volunteer.

I didn't volunteer for anything.

I'm on a three-hour layover and you promised

you'd take me to the Rock n' Roll Hall of Fame.

This is the Rock n' Roll Hall of Fame.

This is our Buddy Holly display.

Listen, Carey, I have no idea who he is

but people at the airport seemed to be excited about him.

Look, he's really great, but I promised Mimi

she'd be on the head float. She got all the trucks for us.

It's like this, Carey, with Squiggy Lander

we get television coverage.

With Mimi, we get thousands of people

twiddling with the color on the TV sets.

- Now do it. - Yes, sir.

Now, Lander, what was that funny thing you used

to always say on your TV show?

You think I should call the airport?

[laughs] Yes, that's it.

Your snow queen has arrived.

Hold the compliments. Just show me to my float.

Mimi, you look great.

Okay, what's wrong?

And why did I just walk past Squiggy?

Mr. Wick ran into Grand Marshal. I'm really sorry.

Why? I'd love to ride on a float with a TV star.

You don't understand it, you can't be on the head float.

How about another float, how about, how about

the Salute to Sausage?

No, my throne is on the front float

and this dress was designed to match the throne.

Look, I don't have time to stand here and argue with you.

I have 30 other floats to worry about.

I'll tell you what to worry about.

You should worry about the snow queen

and her five ladies in waiting!

Well, guess it's time for me to count my blessings.

Okay, I'm done.

You should see it out there, Drew, it may be smaller

than the other floats, but our turkey van rules!

The only problem is, every time we park it

people keep pickin' at it.

Larry, what are you doin' here?

You're supposed to be downstairs

inflating the giant yam.

Why bother? Mimi took all the keys to the trucks.

Said the parade is off, blamed you

and taught my daughters a new word.

- Oh, my God! Where'd she go? - I don't know.

When that outfit comes out, you just get out of the way.

Oh, thought you might be interested.

The, uh, Tommy the Rabbit balloon has working genitalia.

Yeah, this is Drew. Listen, the parade may be cancelled.

But in case it's not, could you make sure that

Tommy the Rabbit doesn't follow right behind Raggedy Ann?

[instrumental music]

So, there weren't any cabs, huh?

It's Thanksgiving morning. We're off to airport...

I couldn't wait an hour and a half to get to Mimi's.

Couldn't wait an hour and a half, huh?

No, and all the other cars are blocked in by floats.

All the other cars are blocked in, huh?

What are you doing?

Trying to keep my face moving before it freezes.

Is there some way we can get in the van?

No. If there was, we could get Lewis out.

I can't believe you built the float right over the doors.

Gobbler this is Giblets. Come in.

What do you want, Oswald?

Can't you move this bird any faster? We're freezin' up here.

No, I can't.

The heater's stuck on and I've got sweat in my eyes.

Uh-oh, what's it mean when you're not sweatin' anymore

but you're still hot?

Oh, look, there's grandpa with Jesus.

What are we gonna do when we get to Mimi's?

I'm gonna ask for the keys back, if she doesn't give 'em to us

Mr. Wick gave me permission to fire her.

So either way, there's gonna be a parade.

Hey, look, there's the teen center.

They'll get a kick out of this float.

Hey, kids!

Hey, Lewis, honk the horn.

[turkey squawking]

- Ah... - Oh, my God, duck!

Ah!

[knocking on door]

- Who is it? - 'Avon.'

(Drew as woman) 'S-special Thanksgiving Day sale.'

What? You!

You took the name of Avon in vain, you're goin' to hell!

The parade starts in 20 minutes. Give me the keys!

- No way, pig! - I've got frostbite.

I need to soak in warm water. I could lose my hand.

Well, there goes your love life.

Alright, have it your way, Oswald will just have to warm

his hands on your autographed picture of Antonio Banderas.

(Oswald) Yeah.

Give me that.

Getting Drew germs on it.

Hope he doesn't turn into a pig now.

You're not gettin' the keys.

Something wrong, kitten?

No, dad. Drew was just leaving.

Drew? Drew Carey?

Look, I don't know what she told you--

Hey, honey, come on out here.

It's the wonderful Drew Carey.

Mimi's friend from the store.

Somehow I knew they'd be drunks.

So from everything that my little girl tells me

at the store, they're grooming you two for bigger things.

- Daddy! - Hey!

It's no crime for your dad to be proud of you.

Did you know that my little princess was third

in her class at finishing school?

Well, I would've bet on her to place.

Oh, so here he is.

Don't tell me you're Mimi's mom.

Yes, thank you.

And you'll have to excuse me because

I barely had time to put my face on.

Well, you got somebody's face on.

[screams]

Oh, I see you've met our other daughter, Gigi.

You wanna see my glass clown collection?

Uh, no, no, no, ma'am. I really don't. No.

Are you sure?

Lewis, how's it goin' down there?

- 'Fine.' - Oh, fine? Uh-oh.

Uh, that's our code for big trouble. I gotta go.

Look, I'd love to stay and see what's behind the next curtain.

But Mimi and I have a little business to take care of.

- And then I have to go. - Uh-oh, please, please.

We wanna tell you how we're thrilled about

Mimi being on the head float at the parade.

You know, we can't believe our little girl's

actually gonna be on TV.

You don't know how long we've dreamed about this.

Yeah, I-I'm sure she told you about the first time

she was supposed to be snow queen.

- Yeah, look, I really gotta go. - You, you know...

She was in junior high

and they'd promised her the part

then they went and gave it to the principal's daughter.

[sobbing]

You'll have to excuse me. I don't normally cry.

Yes, you do, but it's alright.

Look, there must be some misunderstanding here

because this morning I told Mimi that--

- Hey, is that a mouse? - Where?

Oh, I must have been mistaken.

Look, could you guys leave us alone for a couple of minutes?

Oh, sure, kitten.

Now you two behave out here, huh? No hanky-panky.

There might be some uppy chucky

but there won't be any hanky-panky.

I can't believe you didn't tell them.

I couldn't. You saw them.

They live through me. This would crush them.

I'm just gonna hang around for a couple of minutes

and then pretend I'm goin' to the parade.

What happens when they turn on the TV and you're not there?

That's why I came home and broke the TV, moron.

What do you think, I'm as stupid as you look?

Look, I don't wanna hurt your parents either.

But I don't have any choice. Now give me the keys.

- No way! - Well, fine.

We'll just go downtown, tell

David Lander to get back on the plane.

We probably won't get any TV coverage.

Winfred-Louder will go out of business

hundreds of people will lose their jobs

all so that spoiled little Mimi

can be the snow queen.

Okay, let's go.

No!

Look, Mimi, I didn't want it to come down to this, but Mr. Wick

told me that if you didn't give me the keys, you're fired.

Alright, here's your stupid keys.

Honey, look who woke up from his nap.

He wants to wish you good luck in the parade.

Oh, hi, grandpa.

Mimi, I just want you to know

that even though this may be

my last Thanksgiving

seeing you as snow queen

on TV...

...will make it my best ever.

Oh, man!

Everyone, I have something to say.

What is it, dear? Talk fast.

I'm not gonna be on the head float.

So I won't be on TV.

- What? - Oh, no!

That's right, she won't be on TV unless we leave right away.

Yeah, the parade starts any minute.

And what's a parade without a snow queen?

Well, then, go on. Get out of here.

- Good luck, honey. - Okay.

- See you on TV. - 'Okay.'

Hey, thanks, pig.

I mean, Drew.

It's just good to be out of your apartment.

Well, thanks anyway.

Oh, I forgot my scepter. I'll meet you down at the truck.

- Well? - He fell for it!

[laughing]

Good thing, because my knees are starting to fall asleep.

[laughing]

Grandpa, you just bought yourself that bottle of gin.

- Whoo-hoo-hoo. - That's good.

Seeing as it's my last Thanksgiving.

[laughing]

And you know, my daughter, you were right.

- He really is a pig. - 'Yeah.'

[laughing]

[instrumental music]

Drew, you're missing the best part of the parade.

The hemp float raised the skull and crossbones

and just boarded the Entenmann's bakery float.

[laughs]

Hey, look, Mimi's on TV.

(man on TV) 'So, Ms. Bobeck, you're the snow queen of the parade.'

(Mimi on TV) 'That's right, and I'd like to thank all the wonderful people'

'of Cleveland for comin' out to see me.'

'And I'd also like to wish everyone'

'a happy and healthy Thanksgiving.'

(man on TV) 'And now why is it you're holding a fly swatter?'

(Mimi on TV) 'It's a scepter, jackass.'

Maybe I better adjust the color.

No, it's fine.

(man on TV) 'God, something's happening to one of the balloons.'

[people screaming on TV]

'Good Lord, the giant cow balloon has broken loose.'

What about the bakery float? Is the bakery float okay?

Oh, no, it looks like...

It looks like it's gonna hit the power line.

It'll never make it over the store to the power line.

Those ones are too heavy, it'll never happen.

[crackling]

[thudding]

(Drew) 'Oh, man! Who did I sit on?'

[indistinct chatter]

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]