Original subtitles

Hey, Drew. Hey, take a look at this.

- What's that? - It's a tattoo.

Really scary skeleton riding a motorcycle.

Lewis, you're scared of motorcycles.

Eh, I'm scared of tattoos too.

That's why I drew it on.

- What'd you do that for? - Everyone's doin' it.

I wanted to look, you know, hip.

Oh, man, you're crazy tryin' to keep up with all that stuff.

I mean, what is hip? Let me tell you somethin'.

♪ So you wanna jump out your trick bag ♪

♪ Ease on into hip bag ♪

♪ But you ain't just exactly sure what's hip ♪

♪ Started to let you're hair grow ♪

♪ Spend big bucks 'bout your wardrobe ♪

♪ But somehow you know there's much more to the trip ♪

♪ What is hip ♪

♪ Tell me tell me if you think you know ♪

♪ What is hip ♪

♪ If you was really hip the passing years would show ♪

♪ You in a hip trip ♪

♪ Maybe hipper than hip ♪

♪ But what is hip ♪

[retro music]

♪ You became a part of the new bag ♪

♪ Spent big bucks to pop your real bag ♪

♪ Been hangin' out on the so called hippest set ♪

♪ Bein' seen in all the right places ♪

♪ Seen with just the right faces ♪

♪ You should be satisfied still it ain't quite right ♪

♪ What is hip ♪

♪ Tell me tell me if you think you know ♪

♪ What is hip ♪

♪ If you're really hip ♪

♪ The passing years would show ♪

♪ You in a hip trip ♪

♪ Maybe hipper than hip ♪

♪ What is hip ♪

[music continues]

♪ You got hip and found you a guru ♪

♪ In an effort to find you a new you ♪

♪ And maybe even manage to raise your conscious level ♪

♪ While you're startin' to find the right role ♪

♪ There's one thing you should know ♪

♪ What's hip today might become passe ♪

♪ What is hip ♪

♪ Tell me tell me if you think you know ♪

♪ What is hip ♪

♪ If you're really hip ♪

♪ The passing years would show ♪

♪ You on a hip trip ♪

♪ Maybe hipper than hip ♪

♪ What is hip ♪

[music continues]

♪ Think about it y'all ♪

[music continues]

[Latin jazz music]

[all cheering]

Man, this place is packed. What's the big deal?

Oh, it's the Warsaw's first annual Latin music night.

I just had the biggest plate of polar sausage

black beans and guacamole.

And the fuse is lit.

Hey, I thought it was Latin night not Pig Latin night.

Hey, Mimi, I always wondered what made the bulls run.

Hola.

[speaking Spanish]

[speaking Spanish]

After the dance, does he get your ear?

[speaking Spanish]

Hey, Lewis, you got the guts to show Drew some of our new moves?

Yeah, how's that dance class comin' along?

Oh, it's workin' out great.

You know, I took the class to meet new people.

How many people have I met, Kate?

Hey, you know, it's your fault, you're scaring them away.

You don't go up to a woman and say

"Hey, grab your socks, we're gonna doggy dance."

- Hey, guys. - How you doin'?

Oh, if that's what's comin' out of the chimney

I don't wanna know what's in the furnace.

Listen, I'm starved.

Now that Bonnie's here, let's go get some decent food.

Oh, thanks, but we're just gonna have a quick beer here

and, uh probably go back to Drew's place.

You know, uh, we always go back to my place.

For once, let's just go to a real fancy restaurant.

You know, some place we can get out our car to eat.

Wait a minute, let me get this straight.

Bonnie likes to get fast food and go back to your place?

Drew, she asks you to pull her finger, put a ring on it.

Listen, uh, would you guys get outta here?

Oh, I see what the problem is.

You're afraid if she she sees me dance, she'll be mine.

- Yeah, that's it. - Yeah.

Look, I, um, I appreciate you worrying

about me spending my money and everything, but I'm not broke.

I know that, I'm just a low maintenance gal.

Give me a spork and a wet-nap and I'm happy.

Hey, let's pick a song.

That's our song. I mean, we've been dating for two weeks.

I think it's time we get one.

What about, uh, "Everlasting Love."

- "Everlasting Love?" - Mm-hmm.

Gee, I don't know, it's a lot of pressure.

Oh, hey, how about "The Streak?"

There's a whole side of Ray Stevens' songs here.

Oh, yeah, we're in some crazy little corner

of heaven, aren't we?

You know what, you-you can't just pick a song.

It's got be music that's playing during a special moment.

Well, you know maybe, maybe this could be a special moment.

I was thinkin'

maybe we could just, you know, like, see each other.

You mean, not date anybody else?

Yeah, I promise I won't get rejected

by any other woman while I'm seein' you.

- So... - So this is a big step, Drew.

Yeah, but the last two weeks have been so great.

You know I... Whenever you're not around

I see your face, it just makes me smile.

(male #1) 'Hey, this damn machine ate my quarter.'

Open up, you piece of crap.

See, now I'll never be able to hear that

without thinkin' about you.

[instrumental music]

- Hey. - Hey.

Came up with a Christmas promotion.

Buzz beer-nog. Huh?

Mmm.

Good.

Oh, yeah? Take another sip.

Not if my mother's eyes depended on it.

Hey, how 'bout this?

The Buzz Beer Christmas tree ornament.

Hey.

After you're done with the beer

you just hang it on the tree.

- That's a great idea. - I know.

I could just picture Christmas morning.

The kids runnin' downstairs, their eyes all look glow.

Oh, look how beautiful the tree looks with all those bottles.

And look what's under the tree. It's daddy.

- Hey, guys. - Hey.

I brought these, these back from the Warsaw.

The rest of 'em are out in the yard.

- 'Great.' - Check this out.

Oh, yeah, Oswald, Wonder Woman called.

She wants her belt back.

Actually, I won the first global parcel inter-mural boxing title.

- Hey! - 'Alright.'

Wait a second. Since when did delivery guys box?

Well, we got a lot of ex-postal workers, Donna Global and...

...there's been a lot of tension.

So they started the "Gloves, Not Guns" program.

Hey, who'd you fight for the championship?

Joe 'Special Delivery' Lupo.

And you are?

'Careful, Do Not Bend' Oswald.

Joe's gonna be here any minute.

He's such a good loser.

He's takin' me out to a victory dinner.

If he's a really good sport

he'd take out your manager, too.

- Who's my manager? - Me.

Oh.

So, Drew, what'd you and Bonnie end up doin' last night?

Well, we had fast food again and went back to my place.

Now even the drive through guys are startin' to recognize us.

You know how embarrassing it is when a 14 year old kid

in a paper hat calls you a cheap bastard?

Well, if she's gonna make that big a deal about it

surprise her, don't give her the chance to say no.

Hey, how about you make her a special dinner?

I know a meatloaf you can make

with two Big Macs and a bottle of ketchup.

Oh.

Yeah, if you mow the lawn, you can have a nice salad with that.

Hey, you know, dinner's a great idea.

I can go all out.

The most expensive food, romantic music, tuxedo.

- Big can of wine. - Yeah.

Hey, you know I can get you a specimen cart from Drug Co.

To keep the food warm.

Yeah, yo-you can heat six dishes

and restrain a monkey, if you have to.

Hey, excuse me, I'm lookin' for...

- Hey, Oswald. - Hey, Joe.

Everybody this is Joe Lupo, hey.

- Hey. - Watch out, come on, come on.

- Hey. - Hey.

So, you ready to go, champ?

I got reservations at Sammy's

and then afterwards we're seein' "Space Jam."

Wow, cool, alright.

Oh, then I guess, we're not seeing that together.

Oh, I'm sorry, Lewis. I'll tell you what.

I'll see it again with you, buddy. How about that?

- Okay. - You're right, very clingy.

Yeah. Okay, see you later.

- 'Bye.' - See ya.

So you-you guys doin' anything?

No, why?

Could you take me to the hospital

'cause I'm wavin' at you right now

and it just ain't happenin'.

[instrumental music]

Okay, let's see. Oh, yeah, light the candles.

What's this?

"Property of Drug Co.

Do not expose to light."

- Room service. - Drew, what are you doin'?

Uh, no, yo-you can't be here, get out. Get out.

I don't care if the place is a little messy.

This is our special night, and it's my treat.

Hey, what's this?

Steve. This is my husband, Steve.

My husband.

And this is...

- This is... - The caterer.

(Bonnie) The caterer, yes.

Um, he's come to serve us dinner. Surprise.

- Aww. - Yeah, surprise.

He's another surprise, the caterer drinks.

Wow, look at all this food.

God, it must be good, 'cause it looks to me like somebody

has been eatin' a little too much of his own cookin', uh?

- Yeah. - Mmm.

Oh, how 'bout some champagne?

Oh, look, somebody made me a note in a shape of a heart.

I'll read that for you. It's all part of the service.

No, no, no.

Says here, "Roses are red, and here's tonight's feature.

Please be my school girl, and I'll be your teacher."

Okay.

Well, since we're stayin' in

I guess I better get ready to do my...

[clears throat] ...homework.

I'll be right back.

Oh, I'm sorry, uh, may I be excused, teach?

I don't know how this exclusive dating thing works with you.

But it usually means no husbands.

Drew, I-I tried to tell you, but I never found the right time.

Oh, really? Well, here's a little thought.

"Nice to meet you." Right time.

"Would you like to go back to my place?" Right time.

"Would you like to have sex?" Right time.

Drew, try to understand.

Okay, I just wanna get outta here.

Hey, what are you doin'?

Tryin' to steal my woman, huh?

No, actually we've been dating for weeks.

[laughing]

You know, I love this guy.

Go serve the appetizers, huh?

Actually you're all set up, so I'm just gonna...

Hey, wait a minute. How much do I have to to pay you

to get you to stay and, uh...

...make breakfast.

Well, tell you what, I'll turn on the gas

but I won't guarantee I'll cook anything.

Honey, I-I can set it up, let him go.

Alright. Thanks, pal.

Oh, and, uh, here's the ten I promised you.

Wow, gee, thanks, mister.

Oh, whipped you up a special dessert.

It's another little glass dish marked test group A.

Enjoy.

[instrumental music]

Could you tell Mr. Wick I have Wilson here?

Sir, your 12 o'clock is here.

What, sourpuss?

I don't want to talk about it.

Hey, I know what'll turn that frown upside down.

Why don't you just jump out the window?

Hats everyone.

- Do we have to? - That's an order.

Don your party hat.

What's the occasion?

We're having a little going away party for Wilson here.

W-Wil-Wilson's not going anywhere.

Oh, yes, he is. He parked in spot yesterday.

Surprise, you're fired.

No, I'm only kidding.

Blow off those candles and you can keep your job.

Well, I think we know where this is going.

Hey, Drew, you ready for lunch?

No, I've been eatin' all day.

Bonnie's married.

She met someone last night?

No, she's been married this whole time.

I can't believe I was actually startin' to fall for her.

I don't believe it.

She's married and she never told you?

That's a sin. That's one of the bad ones.

All this time I've been the other man.

You're the other man?

Who is she married to? "The elephant man?"

[laughing]

Hey.

Hey, guys. What's goin' on?

Drew's dating a married woman.

Bonnie married?

'Woah.'

Drew, you big dope.

There must've been some clues.

There were no clues, except for her husband.

- Oh. - New shirt?

Yeah, Joe got it for me.

- Joe got it for you? - 'Yeah.'

He knows that I'm low on cash, so he takes me out to dinner.

He takes me to the movies.

He buys me nice things. But don't get off the subject.

We're talking about how oblivious Drew is.

(Kate) 'Yeah.'

Are we all agreed on this?

- You're dating. - What?

Oswald, he's dressing you, you're dating him.

No.

- No. - Yeah.

Oswald, how much did that shirt cost?

Well, it's pretty expensive, but Joe said...

Oh, my God, I'm dating a guy.

Oh, my God, we're supposed to go camping this weekend.

I'm guessing, 'Special Delivery' Joe has a package for you.

[instrumental music]

You're awful quite today.

Listen, uh, about this camping trip.

I don't think I can make it.

Why not?

'Cause... I'm not gay.

What are you talkin' about? We've been going out for a week.

You've been goin' out, I've just been gettin' gifts.

Oh, I don't believe this. You sent me all those signals.

No, I never sent you any signals.

You asked me out to coffee, you wrote me notes.

You were chatty.

I love to gossip over coffee.

I got it from my mom. Okay?

I don't believe this.

To think I let you win that boxing match.

What?

Oh, come on, Oswald, you're as slow as an ox.

I threw the fight.

Why?

Well, just couldn't hit that pretty face.

Aww. Hey!

Well, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to lead you on.

It's okay. Was a misunderstanding.

- So, we're still friends? - Yeah.

[laughing]

- Are we still going camping? - No!

[instrumental music]

(Drew) 'Listen, I know this is kind of a heavy question.'

But I-I didn't have anyone else to call.

Is it still adultery if one of the people doesn't know?

Uh-huh. Yeah, in the eyes of God.

Uh-huh. Oh, man. Thanks. I feel so much better.

So hey, let's make that a large pepperoni

and some of that cheesy bread.

Yeah, you know the address.

Bye.

[knock on door]

- Hi, Drew. - Gee, Bonnie.

You kinda caught me at a bad time, I was just about to take

the wife and kids out for a picnic.

I feel terrible about this.

Well, you should, 'cause according to

"Antonio's Pizzeria", you're goin' to hell.

Look, my marriage was a mess

and you and I were having such a good time.

I didn't know what I wanted.

Listen, I-I-I just can't do this, Bonnie, okay?

I can't date a married woman.

And don't try to rationalize it, because according

to "Chicken On The Run," they're no shades of grey

when it comes to morality.

I know that, I-I shouldn't have done it.

But we really were about to get a divorce.

Were?

Well, yeah.

Your dinner kinda opened things up.

So that we could talk.

Oh, good. Then my little plan worked.

See, I was gonna find a beautiful woman.

Date her for a couple of weeks.

And then convince her to get back with her husband.

You know why? Because I'm "Shmuck Man."

Saving marriages across the country at my own expense.

"Shmuck Man!"

I should go.

My husband got violently ill after the dessert.

I'm sorry, Drew.

Thank you, "Shmuck Man."

No need to thank me, ma'am. It's all a day's work.

Hey, buddy, the plans are cancelled.

So I thought I'd come by and see what you're up to.

Just eatin' and drinkin'.

That's what I thought.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

Just broke up with Bonnie.

Man, I hate break ups.

Me, too. Joe and I just...

Nah, you know it.

How'd he take it?

It was hard on him.

You know, for a while there, I was on a roll.

Was datin' Lisa, then I was datin' Bonnie.

I was on a roll, too.

Apparently I was dating three guys at work.

Hey, you know what we should do?

What?

We should get out there and meet some new women.

Between the two of us, I'll bet by closing time

we can have ten numbers and I'll bet ya

one of 'em is gonna be real.

Alright. Hey, I heard of a new bar over in Lake Wood.

- Yeah? - Yeah.

It supposed to be really great.

But you gotta dress like a cowboy.

Hey, listen, I'm waitin' for pizza.

Why don't you just go down and I'll meet you there?

- Okay. - Okay.

He's gotta figure this one out for himself.

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]

[music continues]