Original subtitles

- Go, go, go. - Go, go, go.

Oh, ho!

- 'Yeah! Ha-ha.' - Ha-ha...

Anybody for another yard of beer?

[chuckles] Come on, Drew, if you drink your height

they name a stall after ya.

No. no. No, thanks.

No, thanks. I still got half of mine left.

Uh, I got four inches.

In cold water? Why, that's amazing.

Ah.

Alright. Cleveland State won.

- Ah, hello, yes! - Alright!

Hey, we gotta get a cab. We gotta get to my frat party.

- Yeah. - A frat party?

You didn't go to Cleveland State.

Yeah, he did, he audited that

class in conversational Spanish.

Sí.

And technically, it's not a fraternity.

It's just a bunch of guys hanging

around at a Greek restaurant.

Well, but it's across the street from a sorority.

Well, technically, it's a home for unwed mothers.

You guys wanna go?

No. Still got a shot of dignity.

- Not us. - Nope.

- She's cute. - Yeah. Uh, who?

The woman that's got you so distracted

you missed the other woman checking you out.

- Where? - Nowhere!

There is no other woman! This is your only shot.

- Go talk to her. - Okay, okay.

I'm just no good at meeting women at bars.

Maybe if I got her attention somehow.

Oh! Please don't sit at the bar. Please.

(Drew) Great! Right in my line of sight.

Drew, ignore Mimi and go talk to the cute stranger

'cause if you don't, you'll regret it the rest of your life.

- You don't know that. - Yeah, I do.

'Cause I'll do this the rest of your life.

Ow!

You, come here.

Yeah. You.

I wanna talk to you.

Well...

Were you lookin' at my girl?

Now, when did you get out of prison? Like, an hour ago?

Don't listen to him.

The pig's been staring at me since we got here.

You want me to kick his butt, babe?

Would you, pumpkin?

If I ever catch you comin' on to my lady again, you're dead.

Got it? Dead.

[whispers] Dead.

[chuckles]

One of us won't be sleepin' alone tonight.

Ugh. Now one of us won't be sleepin' at all.

Uh, beer, Tim.

[whistles]

I wasn't gonna take it.

Let me try again.

Hi. My name is Bonnie.

Oh. Drew.

Sorry. I just got out of a relationship.

My radar has been off for a while.

Normally I don't have trouble pickin' up

signals from women, you know

whether they are real or imagined and...

I-Iguess what I'm trying to say--

- Real. - Oh, I knew it! Ahem.

Uh, Tim, another one over here, please.

Uh, look, this is an odd question, but you're kinda cute

and you're pretty nice to me. Are you drunk?

It's okay if you are.

No, when you were sitting with your friends

you seemed like a nice guy, and I said to myself

"For once I'm not gonna lie in bed at night thinking

'Why didn't I talk to him? He had a cute ass for Cleveland.'"

[chuckles]

Buzz Beer, huh?

Yeah. Me and my friends brew it in my garage.

You oughta come by and see it sometime.

Oh, gee, that sounds like fun, but why would I wanna

leave a perfectly good bar to see someone's garage?

Uh, well, for one thing, the beer's free.

Okay. So I've saved a dollar.

I'm trapped in your garage. Go on.

Okay, uh, you also get to see

the world's oldest unused solar flex.

[chuckles]

Okay, but I can only stay for a few minutes.

Wait, before I do this

is there anyone here who can vouch for you?

Oh, yeah, but they're at a halfway house

partying with some unwed mothers.

[theme song]

♪ Moon over Parma ♪

♪ Bring my love to me tonight ♪

♪ Guide her to Cleveland underneath your silvery light ♪

♪ We're goin' bowlin' so don't lose her in Solon ♪

♪ Moon over Parma tonight ♪

[instrumental music]

Wow! Quite a setup.

I was expecting a keg and a strobe light.

Hey, I'm not one of those guys that feeds women

a lot of bull just to impress 'em.

Uh, you know, the trouble with these things is they take up

so much room, I have to park my Porsche

down the street where you can't see it, baby.

How did you ever get a permit, your neighborhood

isn't zoned for something like this.

Oh, we don't need a permit, we're

just a rinky-dink operation.

We don't need a permit.

Every business needs a permit.

Well, I guess when we take off, we'll look into it, but for

right now, what they don't know won't hurt 'em.

Besides, all those government types are too busy

sticking their thumb up their butt. Am I right?

- Huh. - Ha-ha-ha...

Drew, I'm a zoning inspector.

Wait, I'm still talking.

What I meant was it must be hard working all day

with your thumb up your butt. God, I admire you people.

Drew, I hate to do this, but, uh, your whole setup is illegal.

- I have to shut it down. - What?

Oh, look, why don't we, why don't we talk about this

on the way to the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame

where you'll be goin' in your brand-new car... seat cover?

- Is that a bribe? - Hey.

if askin' out a smart, beautiful woman is a bribe

then lock me up and throw away the key.

And, uh, you can put that key

on your '95 World Series keyholder.

Drew, it's illegal to give a bribe

and it's just plain insulting to give a crappy one.

Look, I took out a second mortgage to pay for all this.

If I don't sell the beer, I'm gonna lose my house.

(Drew) 'Look, a lot of people in this neighborhood'

run businesses out of their backyards.

Mrs. Orlando raises chickens, uh

the Sweeneys run an unlicensed day-care center.

Old man Levitt runs an autobody shop in his garage.

What, what are you doing?

Writing down names.

Oh. Can I get a copy of that?

I wanna see who's gonna beat me up.

Look, Drew, I-I wish I didn't have to do this

but I just, I can't ignore these violations.

Man, if I could just have one day

where I didn't have to hear that sentence.

Drew, this has nothing to do with you.

Look, you wanted to see the brewery.

You saw it, you shut it down.

You got a full day. Now I think you should leave.

And you don't know anything about baseball because

that's a great keyholder.

Well, I guess I'll never see you again.

Hey, I'll see you Monday when I post the citation.

Oh.

Well, lost my brewery, lost my house, my woman left me...

All I got left is my beer and my crippled dog.

Hey, if I could get that to rhyme, I'd have a country song.

[instrumental music]

Anybody else in a really good mood today?

Running a little behind today, Mimi?

If I'm not mistaken, you're only wearing primer.

Oh, damn. I pulled a muscle last night.

Oh, I'd hate to see the other guy.

You're just jealous 'cause I got lucky.

What did you chloroform and drag home?

Uh, it just so happens I spent the evening

with a lovely woman. Thank you.

Word around the muffin-cart is your lovely woman

came down hard on your little beer factory.

Oh, man, I gotta watch what I say.

Three ham and cheese croissants, I think

everybody's my best friend.

You know, there's a way around those zoning laws

that won't cause you any trouble.

- Oh, yeah? What's that? - What's in it for me?

I'll give you 25 bucks.

Fifty bucks, and I'll tell you what that foul odor is

in your car and how to get rid of it.

Alright, I'm desperate. So what's your great idea?

I got invited to a party once called a rave.

It couldn't get a license to sell beer commercially

so they sold maps to the place for ten bucks.

And then when you got there, they gave you

ten bucks' worth of beer.

They made tons of dough and it was all perfectly legal.

Wow! You got invited to a party?

You're welcome, jackass.

Hey, wait a minute! What's stinkin' up my car?

You.

[laughs]

Hi, I'm looking for the department

of apologies and second chances.

Well, they're closed, can I help you here

at bitterness and grudges?

You're gonna make me work for this, aren't ya?

How about I take you to dinner Saturday?

You're in luck, 'cause I found a way around my zoning problem.

So why don't you come around my place on Saturday?

I'm havin' a big party.

And I'm really glad you stopped by.

Saturday? You got it. What time?

That'll cost you three more M&Ms.

Okay, is this how our relationship

is gonna be from now on, Drew?

Give me a Snickers and I'll tell ya.

[instrumental music]

Good evening. Can I see your map, please?

- Oh, I'm a friend of Drew's. - Alright, freeze.

[beeping]

Chuck, it's okay, I invited her.

Jeez, does she really look dangerous?

The Scottish wildcat is soft and cuddly, Drew

but when she's rippin' out your entrails

she doesn't look so cute.

Well, you look great, and you're just in time.

- Can you chicken-dance? - You bet. In fact...

If you cut my head off, I'll chicken-dance

for, like, another five minutes.

[instrumental "Birdie Song"]

So that was my chicken-dance.

Hey, you're still here. Ha-ha...

Oh, hey! I hope you don't mind. I brought a friend.

Um, Drew, this is my friend, Hollie.

She works for the Cleveland Police Department.

Well, if love is a crime, mm...

[chuckles]

My friend, Lewis. He's one of the owners of Buzz Beer.

Also one of its best customers.

I've, uh, been a bad boy. - Bad boy. - What you gonna do?

Listen to this, so far tonight

we've raked in almost $900!

- Hey! Alright! - We're beer moguls.

So what are you guys doing exactly?

Ah, you'll appreciate this being in law enforcement.

We're not, uh, technically selling alcohol.

We're selling maps to a party and giving away beer.

- Selling maps. - Ah.

So you're soliciting to sell alcohol?

- Uh-oh. - I'm afraid...

I'm gonna have to shut down your party.

Oh, man! The fuzz is trying to shut us down!

Sorry, Hollie, I...

Guys, let me handle this. Oops!

I appear to have dropped my wallet.

Yeah. She really wants your bus pass and two Arby's coupons.

Oh.

Look, Drew, you're a friend of Bonnie's

so if you get everyone out now

and you give them their money back, I won't bust you.

Hm. You just lost your good thing, baby. Hm.

I'm sorry. I didn't mean for this to happen.

Now you're gonna lose everything.

Oh, hey, it's okay. I got a way around this.

Hey, everybody, maps to my bathroom, only $5000!

Three thousand for the bushes.

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]

Good morning.

Sweet. You're making breakfast for two.

Oh.

Yeah.

I'm glad you weren't mad about last night, Drew.

Hey, we've been over that, you didn't know your friend

was gonna bust up my party.

No, I mean, when Speedy and I played

keep away with your glasses.

You just wanted to see me run across the room naked.

You know, you're not the first. Ahem.

Look, uh, I-I hope I didn't, you know

rush into anything you weren't ready for.

Drew, I left a trail of donuts up to your bedroom. I was ready.

Oh, yeah. By the way, that was the best foreplay I ever had.

So, uh, you know, last night, uh, last night was okay?

[chuckles] Drew, you're not supposed to talk about it.

We're supposed to be cool and pretend it's no big deal

while secretly we wonder where it'll all lead.

Mm. I liked it when you called me Conan.

You meant, uh, you meant the barbarian, not O'Brien, right?

Oh, Drew. You want some coffee?

Yeah. And you know what I'd love with that?

A rezoning waiver for my brewery and some cream.

- Drew, I can't rezone you. - Well, then who can?

Well, it's not easy. First you have to get a petition.

Then you have to go to the city council.

Oh, I know all about the city council.

My dad used to take me there when I was a kid

so I could see government in action.

Then when he got back from the track

I'd tell him what I learned.

And how hard could it be to get signatures on a petition?

You know, when I was a kid, there was this guy

who actually got a petition to keep Martians from owning

property in the neighborhood. Ha-ha.. Thank God!

Because next thing you know, they're puttin'

their spaceships up on blocks.

They had the little snot-nosed kids running around

shooting laser beams off all hours of the night.

[knocking on door]

Hey, Drew. We saw Bonnie's car in the driveway and we figured...

Oh. You stayed here on purpose.

Well, this is kind of awkward.

- So get out of here! - Right.

[instrumental music]

[knocking on door]

Hi, Mr. Fraser, I'm Drew your neighbor down the street

and I'm passing around this important petition to--

Oh, wait. I know you. You're the Carey boy.

Are you still living in your parents' house?

And are you keeping up your mom's garden?

- Yes, sir. - Well, good.

Alma, come on down!

It's that nice gay boy from down the street!

And we need your signature, so we can be

free to keep makin' our beer.

Yeah, you see, we believe that the neighborhood

has actually improved by havin' our brewery.

Well, here. Take a sip. We think you'll agree.

- And we'll drink with ya. - Hey, you know, at Buzz Beer...

- Nobody drinks alone. - Yeah. Cheers.

Ah.. The sweet juice of freedom.

[mumbles]

[knocking on door]

Hi, Mr. Carlson, I haven't seen you in that makeup

since you performed at my tenth birthday party.

[party horn blows]

So I guess you're still doing kids' birthday parties?

So you're dressed like that all the time now?

That's not sad.

That's-that's not sad at all.

Um, listen, I was wondering if you'd be interested

in signing a petition for our brewery.

Oh, my! That's a big yes!

[imitates doorbell ringing]

Oh, Oswald, not on the guy's roses.

Well, excuse me, Ms. Manners.

What do you want?

Oh, that's rude. Hup! On to the next one.

Let's see if this guy's home.

[imitates doorbell ringing]

[instrumental music]

Thank you. We'll, we'll consider those changes in the leash laws.

[gavel bangs]

Next business.

Mr. Jones.

Isn't this exciting, Kate, ordinary citizens

making decisions that'll affect thousands of people?

Yeah.

Is this guy gonna talk about dog crap

for the next 20 minutes, too?

'Cause if he does, I'm gonna blow my brains out.

That's all I'm saying.

I can assure you I'm not gonna waste your time

with anything like that.

Last night aliens visited my house again.

Oh, my God, it's the same guy from when I was a kid!

As evidence today, I'd like to offer exhibit A

"Life On Mars."

Mr. Jones, "The New York Post"

is talking about microscopic fossils.

Well, apparently, they've evolved because that was

no fossil giving me a rectal probe last night.

Mr. Jones, thanks to you, I've been late to dinner every Monday

and not hungry for the last 15 years!

So I'm going to give you your damn study

just so we can get home earlier. All in favor?

Aye. Aye. Leave.

Wow. The system works.

- Next business, Mr. Drew Carey. - Ooh. Wish me luck.

Wish me luck. I live across the alley from that guy.

Good afternoon, I have a petition here to rezone

land parcel number 5039 for use as a micro-brewery.

- Denied. All in agreement? - 'Agreed.'

- Sorry. Next. - 'Oh, well..'

Wait a second, there's a petition there signed by

over 300 people, you-you can't ignore that.

I can in a neighborhood of 15,000

especially, when on the first page I see the names

of a dozen dead Cleveland Indian baseball players

and the cast of "Gilligan's Island."

Damn Oswald. Look, I didn't know about the zoning regulations.

B-but I'm-I'm following all the health laws.

I'm paying sales tax, a-and we are coming out with a calendar.

You look like you work out.

- Well, ahem, thank you. - Hm.

Well, Mr. Carey, there's not a politician in this state

who has voted more consistently for the easy access of liquor.

- Ah. That's right. - True. That's true.

And this council just can't up and reverse zoning laws

that have served our city so well, lo, these many years.

Now please sit down. You forced me to use the word "Lo."

Hold everything!

These letters came in, hundreds and hundreds of 'em

all supporting Drew's right to brew beer in his garage.

Mm, the people have spoken.

[gavel bangs]

Wait, wait a minute. These are all addressed to Santa Claus.

Big jolly white guy, huh? Come on, work with me here.

If there's nothing else, Mr. Carey...

Oh, yeah, there's plenty else, pal.

I got a little thing here called the Bill of Rights!

- Yeah. Bill of Rights. - Huh?

I think we got our next alien guy.

- Hold it! - 'Bonnie?'

I'm the zoning inspector who first

noticed Mr. Carey's violation.

I've brought some people from his neighborhood

I think you should meet.

If you shut down Drew

you're shutting them all down.

This is a farmer. He grows vegetables in his backyard.

He puts food on our plate.

This is a mechanic.

Without him, the wheels of our nation would stop.

Oh, yeah, uh, and this is my neighbor

the loving, caring teacher that runs

the unlicensed day-care center.

And this is the taxidermist, the guy who...

- Jeez! Don't hold that up. - We could go on.

There's the Tupperware sales lady, the masseuse, legitimate.

The other masseuse.

Hello, Tina.

These people are American, councilman, a country that was

built by people running businesses out of their

backyards, and if you don't wanna give

this community the right to make a living, then you

better be prepared to ban something else, pal.

And I'm talking about the American dream!

[crowd cheering]

[applauding]

Is it me? I attract these people like flies.

You sure do, buddy, and we're coming back every week

with the same sappy routine, and I'm gonna bring him with me.

And this thing's just gonna get smellier and uglier.

- True. - So what do you say?

Well, I don't wanna put all these people out of business.

My great-grandfather started a business in hisgarage

and eventually wound up polluting

over two-thirds of Lake Erie.

Oh...

[applauding]

In his memory, I'm proposing a two-year study

on the effects of rezoning, during which time

youcanall stay open.

[crowd cheering]

Alright. Everybody's invited back to my place for freebeer!

[crowd cheering]

Boy, I, uh, can't wait to see you drunk.

Lock your doors. They're looking for tall guys.

Congratulations.

I hope this makes up for busting you.

What, are you kidding me? You saved me.

- I can't wait to tell my mom. - Your mother?

Well, she's more than my mother. She's my best friend.

Hey, you're still here.

[instrumental music]

Okay. Okay. Now remember.

You're Altoid and I'm Deltoid.

Right, right, and our spaceship runs on beer.

And we need much fuel to get back to our galaxy.

- Heh-heh. - But none of that light stuff.

'Cause it makes the engine knock.

- Right - Okay.

- 'Who is it?' - Martians.

(Jones) 'Coming.'

[door opens]

- I'm Deltoid. He's Altoid. - You guys, huh?

Well, Bigfoot's here. Elvis will be here any minute.

Come on in.

Elvis?

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]