Original subtitles

Do you have to put on makeup while we're driving?

If you wanna get a natural look

you gotta use natural light.

Lady, don't blame nature for that.

[tires screeching]

Time to clear a little traffic.

You, in the Ford Escort.

This is God, pull over to the side of the road

or I'm giving you a heart attack.

Wow, pretty cool.

Check this out.

You in the red car.

My name's Chuck.

I'm a Sagittarius.

I enjoy hiking, long walks by the beach.

Gimme that, Chuck.

This is a carpool, not a Jacuzzi.

- So who's your cute friend? - Uh...

Just a new guy from shoes.

Got a bad cold, can't really talk.

[coughing]

Oh, oh, no problem.

You know, we're little early.

What do you say we drive by Drew's house

skid around on his front lawn, break some windows

and set the whole house on fire?

Alright, so you know it's me.

Drew, what're you doing here?

I mean, yeah...

That's why I said all those things.

- Now, get out of my car. - What do you mean, get out?

You can't stop in the middle of the freeway.

Who said anything about stopping?

You think I like being in the pace car from Wigstock?

It's just that my car won't start, I really needed a ride.

[siren wailing]

Oh, crap. Cherry top. Hang on.

Hey, what're you doin'?

I got four tickets last month. I can't stop.

Oh, yeah, we'll just loose him. Maybe we'll find

a Mary-Kate parade and slip right in. What're you, nuts?

(officer #1) 'This is the police.'

'Turn your vehicle over.'

I can't. If I go less than 50, it'll blow up.

(officer #1) 'Yeah, like we never heard that one before. Pull over Keanu.'

I wonder what I got do to get them to look the other way.

Chuck, should I just slap the ball to you or spike it myself?

♪ Moon over Parma ♪

♪ Bring my love to me tonight ♪

♪ Guide her to Cleveland ♪

♪ Underneath your silvery light ♪

♪ We're goin' bowling ♪

♪ So don't lose her in Solon ♪

♪ Moon over Parma tonight ♪

[instrumental music]

Drew, where you been? We were supposed to go to lunch.

You wanna know why I'm late? Well, you wanna ask me

or do you want to look at my butt first

like everyone else did today?

Hmm-mm, no, I think we'll just ask you.

I drove in with Mimi and got arrested

for trying to outrun the police.

They searched her car and we all had to

go down to the station.

Hey, it's not my fault that cops had never seen

a pound of eye shadow and a baggy before.

Oh, Drew, there she is, there she is.

Julie. Hey, what's she doing up here?

You haven't gone on one date since you broke up with Lisa.

I got her up here so you could ask her to go lunch with us.

Oh, great, what did you tell her?

That I'm the biggest loser in the world, my friends have to

drag women up here so I can ask 'em out?

No, we both know that's failed in the past.

I just told her there's a really cute guy up here who's single.

Now, go over there before she sees him.

Monica...

I can't ask her out. She doesn't even know me.

Hey, you're asking her to go to lunch with a group of people.

Huh? Groups are safe.

Then, overtime, you slowly whittle the group down

until she realizes, too late, she's dating you.

It also works with sex.

Yeah, you know, you're right.

- Lisa's probably dating now. - Hm-hmm.

It's time for me to jump back in.

Worst she could say is "no".

Ahem. Hey, Julie.

(Julie) No.

Ah, rejection, how I missed ya.

- Hey, guys. - Hey.

I just made a delivery to our old high school today.

And guess what I found out.

Girls still think you're creepy?

No.

Our music teacher just died.

- Miss Blankenship died? - Yeah.

- Oh, that's too bad. - Yeah.

So, where do you wanna go for lunch?

Well, wait a minute, wait. Well, what happened?

Oh, she had a heart attack during band practice.

And the horn section went right into taps, didn't miss a beat.

- Hmm. - Yeah.

My god, this is terrible.

Wh-what're we gonna do?

Alright, since we haven't perfected reanimation

I guess we'll let her be dead.

[laughing]

Would you knock it off?

Why're you getting so upset?

You haven't seen her in 15 years.

She's my first band teacher and she really meant a lot to me.

You know when the memorial service is?

No, I wasn't able to find that out.

Apparently, I'm not allowed to wander the halls anymore.

You know what else I'm gonna do?

I'm gonna get the band back together

to play for her one last time.

You know, it's the least we can do.

How are you gonna find all the guys in the band?

Oh, I know. I'll get a list of clients from the optometrist

in the orthopedic shoe store.

Johnson, come here.

Your sales are off 50 percent.

Pick a hand.

Oops, too bad. You're fired.

[laughing] Oh, come on, I wouldn't be that cruel.

They both said "You're fired", but thanks for playing.

[chuckling]

Very good, sir. It's much better than

last week's "wheel of destiny."

Mm.

Hey, uh, listen, as long as you're in a good mood, uh

can I get a personal day off?

Well, I'd love to give it to you

but I don't see what's in it for me.

Excuse me, but there's been a death.

Oh, I-I'm sorry, w-was it someone close?

Oh, you probably won't understand it but...

...it was my band teacher.

Oh, why...

...why, why is it always the band teacher?

Why are they always taken from us in their prime?

Sarcasm noted and appreciated, sir.

Can I have the day off?

Pick a number between one and a million.

Four hundred and fifty three thousand

two hundred and fifty two.

Alright, then.

[instrumental music]

That was pretty good.

[cheering]

Like, we're really comin' along.

Uh, this next music I picked up myself.

I think it's appropriate for a memorial service.

Ah, Debbie, I'm sorry.

There's no cymbal part in this arrangement.

So you're just gonna have to fake it. Ahem.

- Okay, everybody, ready? - Mm.

[instrumental music]

Stop!

Can't you hear yourselves?

Hasn't anyone been to church in the last 20 years?

"Amazing Grace" is not a march.

And just one small note, Debbie, you suck!

Come on, guys, we're gonna have to better than this

if we're gonna honor the memory of Miss Blankenship.

You know I'm getting cold, can we practice inside?

- Yeah. - Oh, alright.

Bob, if you don't mind?

[drums music]

Hey, remember you from study hall.

Hey, same math class.

Hey, used to see you in the hall.

Hey, still like you as a friend.

Alright, since "Amazing Grace" is out...

...anyone else have an idea on a song for Miss Blankenship?

How 'bout "The Night Chicago died"?

But we change "Chicago" to "Miss Blankenship."

That's not bad. But instead why don't we use

"George on my mind" and change it to

"Oswald's an insensitive jerk

and I want to beat the crap out of him if he doesn't shut up?"

That doesn't fit.

Drew, why don't you just call her husband?

She never got married.

I'm not even sure she liked men.

Hey-hey, maybe we should play "Lay down Sally."

[laughing]

You want to show a little respect

or maybe you and your salvation army tube

will wanna get the heck out of here?

Hey, take it easy, buddy.

Yeah, who died and made you band leader?

- Oh. - Okay, alright.

Out you go, big boy. Come on, now.

Alright, big guy, sit down.

Drew, give it a rest, what's the matter with you?

He shouldn't be talking about her if he didn't know her.

Yeah, so what if she's gay?

It's not the point. She wasn't gay.

How do you know?

I-I just know, okay. Can we just drop it?

Wait a minute, how can you be so sure?

Just trust me, I'm sure.

Oh, my God!

You slept with Eleanor Blankenship?

Oh, my God, you were having sex in high school?

It was just the once.

She was my first.

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]

Well, I see everybody's put out a little weight

except for yours truly.

Yeah, that's right, Drew. You were an enormous boy

and now you're just a large man.

So, is this where you did it with Miss Blankenship?

[laughing]

I told you guys I'm not gonna talk about that.

Alright.

- Rehearsal room. Mm-hmm. - Sound proof.

Did she make you use the metronome?

[Lewis and Oswald laughing]

Did she make wear a reed?

[laughing]

Okay, I can see you guys aren't gonna drop this, so...

[sighs] It was my second year in band

and I just made first tier.

Uh, and Miss Blankenship asked me to stay after school

for a private practice session.

Where?

- In the rehearsal hall. - Hello.

So anyway, she said she had her eye on me for a long time

and she put my trumpet down and then...

...I played my first duet.

(Drew) Afterwards, she said it was a one time thing

but she gave me this treble clef pin

and she said I was really special to her

and....that when I wore it, only we would know what it meant...

...that I was her little love note.

Drew, that's the most beautiful story

of statutory rape I've ever heard.

Hey, you know, it can-can be flattering

to have a teacher come on to you.

- They fired that guy right? - Oh, yeah.

Good afternoon, everyone.

And, uh, thank you, band

for that touching

musical interlude in the courtyard.

For those of you who don't know me, I'm Principal Zand.

Welcome to Rhodes High School.

[coughs] Jackass.

Sorry, it's... reflex.

We gather to mourn

the loss of a great teacher.

A woman who gave everything

she could to her students and then some.

[laughing]

(Zand) Miss Blankenship was the epitome of dedication.

How many nights did I leave my office only to see

Eleanor's car still in the parking lot.

(Zand) 'She was no doubt toiling away'

in the rehearsal room

helping a student master his instrument.

[laughing]

[sobbing]

Now, I-I would like to make a presentation

to the most special person in Eleanor Blankenship's life.

As a working single mother...

...she could leave no finer legacy

than her son Billy.

Billy, we all got together

and raised some money for your education.

What better gift for a 19-year-old scholar.

He's 19, but

...he's too old to be my kid.

Yes, I'm not a father!

Or a rabbi, or a minister.

Just a regular guy, came to pay my respects.

Back to you, Mr. Zand.

Now, I'd-I'd like to suggest that we...

...file out and pay our last respects.

Oh, please keep it brief, we've got a game in five minutes.

Eleanor, it's me, Drew, here.

Little love note.

I'll never forget you.

Thanks for making me a man.

You too?

Join the club.

Club? W-what club?

[instrumental music]

I can't believe Miss Blankenship slept with every first chair.

I thought I was special.

Uh! I'm sorry, Drew.

Hey! Have a soda.

Thanks.

Hey, hey hey! Take it easy.

This guy bought it. At least let him have the last sip.

You know, what I don't understand is how come

I never heard about this?

I was in the Chess Club. I was in the loop.

How come no one ever talked about this?

This isn't something people go around talking about.

Look, you never told us what happened to you.

Yeah, how come you never told us? We're best friends.

I thought we didn't have any secrets from each other, huh.

- You know everything about me. - Hold on.

I don't recall ever hearing about your first time.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

Well, you'll be the first to know.

(all) Come on.

Alright.

I was a late bloomer. There's nothing wrong with that.

(all) No. No.

It was sophomore year in college.

Remember Joanie McCormick?

- Yeah. - 'McCormick!'

(Lewis) 'So, one day I'm over to her house'

and we're out by the pool.

- It's summer and it's real hot. - 'Uh-huh.'

All we're wearing is our bathing suits.

- Yeah? - Uh-huh.

So, it was Joanie?

No, no.

Joanie had to go to field hockey practice.

But, her sister comes over.

You slept with her sister?

No, no, no, we...

You know, we chatted for a while, you know.

But then she had to leave.

But her brother comes in.

So, we open a couple beers--

Lewis, no!

What?

No! No!

No. No. Her brother leaves and I'm all alone...

...until the dog comes in.

(all) Ew!

But then the dog goes, so I--

Lewis, who did you sleep with?

Six years later, some woman in a bar, I don't know...

Well, uh, how long did you plan to go on?

Oh, I'm sorry, were you wanted in surgery?

Alright, how about you, Kate?

And try to start on the same week it happened.

Oh! You don't wanna know.

Yeah, we do.

Yeah, come on, we told you ours.

Oh, it wasn't that big of a deal.

It wasn't very memorable--

What's that supposed to mean?

You mean, Oswald knows and we don't?

I-I? I, uh...

I, he-ha, I-I don't know anything about it.

I, uh, I was-I wasn't even there that afternoon.

Six years later some guy I met in a bar?

Oswald was your first?

Wait a minute, this is Ambrosia?

It was a million years ago.

Nobody cares.

I don't believe this. Were you guys drinking?

- Yes! - No. Hey!

[sighs]

Can we just drop this? It wasn't that big a deal.

No, it's a very big deal.

Now, every time I look at you, I'm gonna think about

you having sex with Oswald.

How am I gonna get that out of my mind?

Took me years, but I did it!

Hey!

Come on, Drew. It's really embarrassing.

We-we were just experimenting.

We didn't even take our clothes off.

Uh, we were just kinda wrestling and then Kate pinned me down

and-and there was that move we did a couple of times.

- Ew! - Oh-h-h!

I don't wanna hear anymore.

Well, this has been a hell of a day for me.

Why didn't I smoke pot back in high school

so I wouldn't remember any of this?

I'm gonna get outta here.

- Hey, Drew. - Come on, Drew.

- Drew. - So!

After all these years, still sneaking under the bleachers.

Let's go, Seymour Hiney.

You too, Herts. You too, Lingus.

[instrumental music]

So, Carey, how was the funeral?

Uh, it was pretty emotional, sir.

It's like a chapter of my life has closed.

And it's not even the chapter I thought it was.

Yes, well, um...

"Funerals are never easy."

It's the Wilfred Laurier Handbook

on employee bereavement, sir?

Yes! Yes. And "I'm terribly sorry

to hear about your loss."

Two, three, four.

- You're management, right? - Yeah.

Five.

Thank you for your concern, sir.

"This is a very difficult time for me."

[reading in foreign language]

Well, the thing to remember is that

"He or she is still part of your life"

and Lord, this thing goes on.

Here, you read it, and when you're done

give it to the widow at Henderson and Jews, will you?

Drew, pull Mimi's personnel file.

I'm putting her on report.

They are free make up samples.

It's not stealing.

Let it go, Chuck. Life's too short.

Listen, pig--

Oh! Thanks.

But, Drew, she took them outta people's hands.

If you arrest her, you gotta frisk her.

I owe you one.

Wait a second.

The real Drew never would have let Mimi get away with that.

What's goin' on?

[sighs] Well, it all started

when the very first woman I had sex with died.

So, this is about your sex life?

Sorta.

And this wouldn't tell my picturing you naked?

Oh, my pager just went off. Bye, Drew.

How you doin', Drew?

I tried calling this morning.

You're not still upset over this Oswald thing, are you?

Well, you know, it's not like I'm jealous

or anything like that. It's just that I'm finding out

I'm not so special to all the special people in my life.

(Drew) 'And here I am walking around'

"Gee, what's that heavy breathing

coming from Kate's room? Oh, just the wind I guess."

Dup-dup-dup-dup.

"Gee, what's the Navy doing outside

Miss Blankenship's office? Oh, probably just a drill."

Dup-dup-dup-dup.

Come on, Drew. Nobody was trying to hurt you.

Besides, you and I have lots of secrets from Oswald and Lewis.

Remember Oswald's losing lotto ticket?

I still have my ring.

Watch is still ticking. Ha-ha-ha.

I'm so sorry I didn't tell you.

I know. But this has been a hell of a time for me.

I mean, first Lisa moves out, and then Miss Blankenship dies.

In two weeks I've lost the first person I ever had sex with

and then, probably the last.

Oh, come on, Drew, you're gonna find someone else.

Yeah, how do you know?

Back in high school I thought I'd be married to Farrah Fawcett

by now and own my own roller disco.

Do you wanna hear another secret I never told you?

No, if it's about you and Lewis or you and Miss Blankenship

I don't wanna hear it.

No, it's about you and me.

I decided that if we reached a certain age

and still hadn't found anyone...

...I would ask you to marry me.

- What? - You heard me.

Wait.

Are you serious about this?

Yeah.

Well, how old are we talking about?

Let's lock in a number.

- Let's say, eighty. Seventy. - Fifty? Sixty?

How old do you think you'll be when you're too old to have sex?

The day after that, I'll marry you.

Oh! What the heck, the day before.

I do.

Hey, you know what they say

"When you're taken, they always come looking for you."

- Hey, Julie. - No.

Honey, I'm home.

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]

- Mr. Carey? - Billy, Billy Blankenship.

I'm, uh, sorry to bother you when you're, uh, tuning up.

Should have heard us six beers ago. Take five, cats.

Man, they just ain't hit to what I'm laying down.

Dig, baby.

(Billy) You know, my mom said that you were

one of her favorite students.

- Oh, thanks. - She wanted you to have this.

Wow! Her baton. She must have had this for like 30 years.

(Drew) Oh, you don't know how much this means to me.

Thanks for all the beautiful music.

Aw. That's really nice.

Sure. Well, I gotta go.

[batons rattle]

Oh, she sure was handing out a lot of these things, huh?

"Thanks for all the beautiful music."

"Thanks for all the really beautiful music."

Damn!