Original subtitles

[Mr. Bell on speakerphone] Carey, what did the memo I gave you say?

Uh, it says, "All annual reports

go directly to Mr. Bell's office."

[Mr. Bell] And the one you distributed to the entire store?

[clears throat]

"All anal reports go directly into to Mr. Bell's orifice."

But I'm sure it's just a typo, sir.

[Mr. Bell on phone] And the CC?

Okay, so the CC to "The Big Jackass" probably isn't a typo.

But I'm telling you.. I am telling you buddy,

it's a mistake. It was just all a big mistake.

[Mr. Bell on phone] No, I'm telling you.

I want every single copy that went out

corrected by hand!

[dial tone]

Do you have any White-Out, sir?

[Mr. Bell] I want some respect around here,

and I'll get it if I have to toss

every one of you malcontents out on your ear!

Problems with the boss this morning, dip-wad?

It was you, wasn't it?

Oh, my God! I sent out a memo

about employees slacking off in the bathroom.

Holy cow!

Oh. Is it the one with a picture of you?

It's anatomically correct.

I left it blank.

No, Mr. Bell accidentally threw out a confidential memo at me.

I'm in the loop!

What does it say?

Oh, my God.

Some Dutch company's gonna buy the store.

Why would they want to do that? Business is lousy.

That's exactly why they do it.

These foreign companies buy up failing businesses, and they tear them down

and put up shopping malls and make millions.

What'll happen to us?

Well, you and me personally?

We're going to go through eternity

locked in a death grip like Popeye and Bluto.

The rest of the store gets laid off.

Crap! This is the best job I ever had.

Well, just, Don't tell anybody.

We don't want to start a panic... yet.

Yeah. You're right. Did you hear?

The Dutch are buying the store,

and they're gonna close it!

Oh, Hey, Kate, ready for lunch?

Didn't you hear? The store's in Dutch.

They may have to sell it.

What'd she say?

She said the yogurt in the cafeteria's Dutch chocolate.

Oh.

Hey, Oswald,

oh, I gotta get my coat.

Where we going for lunch?

I don't know, but Starsky and Hutch are in the cafeteria.

You're kidding! Oh, my God, does Drew know?

I don't know.

Drew, did you hear?

the Dutch are buying the store! and they're gonna close it!

That's old news. Starsky and Hutch are in the cafeteria.

Come on, let's go!

[theme music]

♪ Moon over Parma, bring my love to me tonight ♪

♪ Guide her to Cleveland underneath your silvery light ♪

♪ We're goin' bowlin' ♪

♪ So don't lose her in Solon ♪

♪ Moon over Parma tonight ♪

[instrumental music]

Yes, I know you don't have a head of personnel.

That's why I'm talking to you.

I want to be the head of personnel.

So, uh, who does your hiring?

The head of personnel.

Let me guess. You don't have one.

Give me the manager.

You know, my first act as head of personnel

is gonna be to fire this guy.

[laughs]

Don't you think you should just fax these people your resumé?

Ah, Lisa, I balance my desk with people's resumés.

I mean, I did that, but it's also good to have some personal contact.

Mmm. You know, you've been so busy looking for work,

we haven't had much much time for personal contact.

Look, you already have some good job offers.

- It's easy for you to be horny. - Um-hmm.

No, not you, sir.

Yeah, I was calling regarding the head of personnel.

Yes, I know you don't have a head of personnel.

Wait a second.

You didn't transfer me, you're that same jerk!

Wait till the Dutch come calling.

Then the wooden shoe's on the other foot!

Your phone manners are impeccable, Drew.

I think a Xerox of your ass

would be a nice follow-up.

I have one on file from '82,

but my ass has done so much more since then.

[Lisa laughs]

There's nothing on the news

about the big Dutch buyout Drew.

If something were going on, don't you think we'd hear about it?

I don't know. They're sly ones, the Dutch.

Hmm.

Ever notice how sometimes

they call their country "Holland"

and then other times it's "The Netherlands"?

And who are they hiding from, huh?

People like you, my friend.

Yeah.

You know, the Dutch own more of this country than the Japanese.

But you never hear about it, because they sneak in unnoticed.

In fact... one of us could be Dutch,

and you wouldn't even know it.

Alright, I confess! I'm a Dutchman!

But only 10%,

and I think the 50% of me that's German

already stomped it out.

First they buy up our country,

then they ruin my life.

I'd like to tell them a thing or two.

Those Gouda-eating, tulip-sucking,

17th-century-dominated clogheads!

They can kiss my fine white Netherlands.

That's what they can do.

[door opens]

Hey.

Hey, Kate. How's the job hunting going?

Oh, well, I've been offered several executive positions,

but I can't decide where I want to work more

the fryer, the grill, or the window.

- Oh. - Yeah.

There just aren't that many sales jobs

in the nicer stores.

You know, I have three ex-salesmen hauling boxes for me

in my moving company right now.

Hmm, room for one more, pumpkin pants?

Let me see your hands.

What, you don't think I'm tough enough?

No, I just want to hold your hands

so you can't hit me when I tell you no.

- Oh! - No, honey. No!

You don't want to work in a moving company.

It's a step back.

Aww.

See ya.

You said no first!

Would you guys calm down?

Just because the Dutch bought the store

doesn't mean they're gonna close it.

Yeah, but I've seen it happen too many times.

I don't want to get caught with my pants down.

Nobody wants that, Drew.

You know, this is ridiculous.

I've been all day on the phone,

trying to find a job at another department store.

I don't want to start back at the bottom

just to work my way back up

to the top of the bottom.

Hey, I just hauled a bunch of boxes

over to the I-X center.

You know, they're having a small business expo there,

you guys should check that out.

[telephone rings] - Hey, that's a great idea.

Hello.

What? Head of personnel?

That's great! For what salary?

Oh, that's wonderful. What's the location?

Moronville?

You're the same jerk!

[instrumental music]

It's pitch black,

and it's the only place in this crazy world

where you can truly be alone with your thoughts.

I got to try this.

Why can't you just close the doors

on a port-a-potty? What's the difference?

Aah!

What year is it?

Oh, my God, Lewis,

you've aged!

You look so grotesque!

You were only in there a second, you idiot!

Oh, gee, I forgot to turn the oxygen on again.

Well, I'm sure sometimes

when you were a kid,

you forgot to take your lunch to school.

Nope, uh, sometimes I forgot to get dressed,

but I never forgot my lunch.

Well, I'm sure you remember

how much more fun it was to play at recess

than to eat your school lunch.

Boy, you are talking French here, lady.

Well, kids love the idea

of lunch in a helium balloon.

It's fun!

And it could keep your child

from drowning!

Hey, is that cake in the balloon over there?

Oh, hey, look!

It's the Hindenburger.

I had a Mission Impossible lunchbox.

I always wanted to be the strong man.

[balloon pops]

Drew, did you bite that balloon?

[helium voice] No!

And I resent the allegation.

- Hey, Drew. - Hey.

My favorite was the rocket

that shoots garbage into orbit.

Great slogan,

"Shoot your crap into space."

Hey, loser.

And friends of the loser

who are losers by association.

Hey, Mimi, what are you doing here?

Or do you qualify as a small business?

I found another memo.

It's only two more weeks

before there's tulips on the desks

and prostitutes in the windows.

Oh, man, I thought I had more time.

Hey, is that cake in that balloon?

What am I gonna do here?

Bartender, the usual.

Are you guys interested

in starting your own business,

or are you just sucking up my samples?

Sorry, it's just great beer.

- Yeah. - It really is good.

Yeah.

So, uh, what do you brew these in these little tanks here?

How much does one of these things cost?

I could start you off

with one of those small barrels back there,

that'd cost you about 100 bucks.

Boy. Brew your own beer, huh?

Beer, beer, beer. Hey, we like beer.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

- Everybody likes beer. - Yeah.

You guys thinking what I'm thinking?

Yeah, let's get as much off this guy as we can

and get the hell out of here.

You know, microbrewing's a big thing right now.

I mean, we all drink Great Lakes beer.

That started out in somebody's house.

You know, if we pull this off, it could support all of us.

Hey. Here's my 100 bucks.

I'm starting a business.

Yeah, well, this'll just about cover your tab.

Those barrels back there

are just for perfecting the flavor of a beer.

If you want to brew beer for profit,

you need one of these big babies back here.

[all] Whoa.

Runs about 15,000.

If we had 15,000, we could all retire.

You know, uh, $15,000 doesn't sound so bad

you know, for starting a business.

I mean, if we all pitched in a little something,

I could, I could take out a loan on my house.

Drew, you can't lose that house.

You said it's the only place

where you can go to the bathroom.

Yeah, you've worked your whole life

to build up equity in that house.

You're gonna risk it all for beer?

Ooh, is your mother going to slap you.

Look, I-I'm tired of playing it safe.

If I'm going to have my own business,

I'm gonna take a risk.

I see you found the Bal-lunch table.

[helium voice] Bite me, dough boy!

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]

Okay, everyone take a sip

and tell me what you think the flavor is.

- Mmm. - Mmm!

- Tingling. - Hot.

- Burning. - Fire.

Yes.

It's Tabasco beer.

I call it, Tabeersco.

Oswald, nobody's going to buy a beer

that sets their mouth on fire.

I know.

Water!

We'll make our money on the water.

Oh, I'm gonna lose my house.

- No, you're not. - No.

Hey.. hey, I've got it.

Tidy beer. Huh?

It's blue,

and when you throw up, it cleans the toilet.

I'm gonna lose my house.

No you're not.

No, Drew, you're not gonna lose your house,

we're all in this together.

And I have a great marketing idea,

Jay's gonna be the spokesmodel.

- He is? - Yeah

I went to a bunch of bars

and asked the guys if they'd buy beer

with a man on the label.

A lot of them weren't sure,

but then I went to one bar,

all the guys said yes.

- Hey, baby. - Hi.

- Hey. - Hi.

Alright, I've got it.

Now, I'm not a marketing genius,

but I've come up with a container

for our beer.

Now, what is more trustworthy, warm,

and familiar than a milk carton?

Oh, I'm gonna lose my house.

They-they put everything in milk cartons.

Orange juice, candy, pancake batter.

And it's recyclable.

But it's a milk carton!

Little kids can't read.

"Hey, can Timmy come out and play?"

"No, I'm sorry, honey.

"He just had a bowl of cereal,

and he's hammered."

Oh, and I suppose you guys came up

with the perfect flavor beer.

Well, we'll just have to see.

Now, this is my last brew,

and.. I think it's my best yet.

Oh!

Ohh!

Oh, my God. That's disgusting!

Well, if you had bothered to swallow,

you would have seen

that there is no aftertaste whatsoever.

Oh.

Hey, the rotten egg taste is gone!

How can you taste anything?

You keep taking a sip of coffee

between every sip of beer.

Hey, it's late. I'm trying to stay awake.

You know, they go pretty well together.

It, uh, makes the buzz last longer.

Hey...

Don't look at me like that, Drew.

I'm not a pork chop.

No. Coffee and beer.

Coffee-flavored beer!

[gasps]

That's perfect!

Coffee and beer!

I got to pee just thinking about it.

We got to have a name.

Why don't we call it

"Drew put his house on the line

so he gets to name the beer."

- No. - No.

Or we could call it Drew brew.

- Hmm. - No.

Hey, what about Java beer?

Hmm.

Drew brew.

- No. - No.

Cap-beer-chino!

Drew brew.

Buzz Beer.

Yeah!

Hey, Buzz Beer. Hey. Now I've got the slogan.

"Stay up and get drunk all over again."

[cheering]

[instrumental music]

So, it's the big day.

You ready to get fired?

Hey, what a complete outfit.

You're even wearing Dutch Boy paint.

Listen, when they close this dump,

I want to be sure I get transferred

to one of their other dumps.

Yeah, well, I don't need that,

'cause I got bigger things brewing.

Good-bye, Mimi.

Uh, you know,

I just want to say

that, uh, I know we've teased each other a lot

over the last year, and I-I truly hope

that you live a long, miserable life.

You know, this possibly being

the last day and all, I probably ought to tell you

I left you a few little surprises

that you haven't, you know, triggered yet.

Mimi, there's not a thing you've done

that I don't know about.

Well, first off,

I been spitting in the coffee pot.

That's disgusting!

Other people drink from that coffee pot.

Friendly fire.

Oh, the other thing I've been doing

is I've been threatening the president

in your name.

Oh, and here's the biggie.

[rattling]

Oh! It's awake.

Aw, Mimi, you gave me your firstborn.

[cabinet shaking]

Uh, Lashondra,

could you call animal control, please?

Thank you.

[cabinet rattling]

Actually, there's only one thing I did to you.

Uh, rest your hands on the home keys

and look at the screen.

[telephone ringing]

[phone ringing] - See ya!

[Mr. Bell] Mimi!

[telephone ringing]

[Mr. Bell] Pick up the damn phone!

What's the matter with you?

[telephone ringing]

Good one, pig.

Yeah, well, you got to get up pretty early in the morning...

to put on all that makeup and get here by 9:00.

Drew.

Hey, they faxed over your loan papers.

All you have to do is sign.

Are you sure you want to do this?

Are you kidding?

This is the paper that's gonna set me free.

Stay away from the file cabinet, Kate.

[cabinet rattling]

Mimi?

No, it's something she put in there.

Oh, right this way, Mr. Van Houten, sir.

Oh, by the way,

I have this keyboard attached to my hands

so I'll always be working.

Mr. Carey, I'm Paul Van Houten

from Van Heusen, Van Horton, and Van Halen.

Uh-huh.

I was informed of the humor of that comment

by my translator.

Perhaps I shouldn't have trusted an East German

to polish my zingers.

You know, you have a lot of nerve coming in here,

buying things up,

and putting all these people out of work.

Actually, we've decided to keep everyone

below management.

Are you below management, miss?

You bet I am!

High five!

Ooh!

Ooh, I'm so sorry.

You're supposed to high-five me.

- Oh? - Yeah.

Oh!

You're-you're a regular American.

Good. Very-very good.

So you're firing all of management, huh?

Well, that's fine,

'cause you see this paper here, dutchy?

This paper says

I don't need this job anymore.

I'm gonna start my own business

I'm gonna be so successful,

I'm gonna buy and sell people like you.

You're not fired.

We're interviewing management

and deciding who we're keeping

on a case-by-case basis.

Oh, thank God!

I-I don't know what I'm gonna do.

I-I-I mortgaged my house on some beer scheme,

but I'm gonna need a steady paycheck.

I don't even know if it's gonna work.

It's a crazy beer and coffee concoction.

Well, that's not so crazy.

I've heard that Heineken

is releasing a whole line of coffee beers.

They should be in the stores shortly.

What?

See? We do have a sense of humor.

[laughing]

Let me see five on that.

Now let's get on with the interview.

The biggest question

is why have you been in the same job

for seven years?

I was taught that if you work hard,

you'll get ahead,

and boy, I've been working hard,

but I can't get anywhere

because nobody ever leaves this place.

Hell, no one even ever dies.

For a bunch of beef-eating midwesterners,

we sure hold out a long time.

Then why didn't you leave?

Well, you know, I-I love this place.

My mom used to take me here when I was a kid.

You know if you flush all the toilets at once,

you can get scalding water

out of the drinking fountains.

You make a loop around twice

and yank real hard.

Wow! And that's legal in Amsterdam?

Uh, this beer thing,

are you really going through with it?

Yeah, I figure what the hell?

It's about time I tried something crazy.

I respect that.

I always wanted to do something crazy.

But you'll forgive me

if I hope you're not successful,

because I'd like you to stay with us here

at Winfred-Louder.

You mean I can keep my job?

Oh, thank you, Herr sir!

Is there anybody you're not keeping?

Just one.

[chuckling]

I see you finally got the keyboard

off your hand.

You're paying for this, idiot.

At least I can pay for it.

I still have my job.

[Mimi] So do I, pig.

The Dutch boys just told me

they're keeping me on.

I laughed at that stupid Van Halen thing.

Well, then if you're not fired, then who is?

Mr. Bell?

What are you staring at, Carey?

You're acting like you never seen me before.

Oh, my God!

Do you believe this?

Amsterdam is the city of whores,

and they accuse me of philandering!

So you're the one that's gettin' fired?

No. No, I'm just taking all my possessions

for a little ride.

Sure you don't want to rephrase that question

more stupidly?

Just hold on, just one second

'cause there's a few things I've written down to say to you

in the event of your early demise.

Really? What happened, Carey?

Did the wizard give you some courage?

Alright. Here we go.

Let's see.

Oh, that's kind of spiteful.

Never met your mother.

A dated Saddam Hussein reference.

You know what?

You just lost a job, and it's hard out there.

Good luck.

Thanks, Carey.

I appreciate that.

By the way, uh...

you shake hands like a little ballerina.

Uh, you know, sir, uh, as a parting gesture,

I'd like to offer you a letter of recommendation.

Oh?

I can't believe you're doing this.

What a wimp.

Uh, it's called being the bigger man, Mimi.

It's right here in the top drawer

of the file cabinet.

Help yourself.

I'll race you to the place we're gonna

say we're gonna be after this happened.

[instrumental music]

You know, now that we're gonna be brewing beer at home,

you won't have to spend all your time here.

I don't spend so much time here.

- Beer Drew? - Yeah, thanks.

- Hey, you hungry for a-- - Yeah.

- How about a-- - No.

- And one for your-- - No.

Here it is.

The first batch of Buzz Beer!

[all cheering]

Buzz Beer all around.

Alright.

Ow!

I thought you told me this was twist-off.

Other way.

Oh.

Here's to buzz beer.

Now you can drink and operate heavy machinery.

Now all we need is a jingle.

Hmm.

Oh, here's one.

- Oh. - Hey!

♪ We've got a new beer ♪

♪ And I brew it with my friends ♪

♪ The name is Buzz Beer ♪

♪ The one you dunk doughnuts in ♪

♪ It's got that be-e-ean ♪

♪ And it's got caff-eine ♪

♪ Buzz Beer ♪

♪ Stay up, get drunk again! ♪

♪ I said again ♪

♪ Buzz Beer ♪

♪ Buzz Beer stay up get drunk aga-a-ain ♪

[all cheering]