Original subtitles

[instrumental music]

How long has it been?

Ah. New record.

No blinking in four minutes and seventeen seconds.

[laughs] You can blink now, Oswald.

No, I can't.

Yes, you can.

Aah! That's it! Mousse fight!

Alright, freeze!

Alright, you two.

Go on back and play in the hair pile.

Hey, let's make another cat.

Yeah!

Hey, Drew.

Wow. You really let it get shaggy this time.

This could take me a whole five minutes.

Five? It usually takes you 20.

Yeah, well, that's because I usually just

buzz the air with my clippers

so you won't think you're getting ripped off.

You charge me 20 bucks for a crew cut.

I think we passed ripoff about 15 bucks ago.

Yeah.

So how was your weekend?

Oh, same ol'.

Partied. Got blitzed.

And I think I may have gotten married,

because I didn't have this ring on Friday.

Wow. Super bowl XXIII.

How was your weekend?

Oh, you know, pretty much that and...

Then I did some baking.

Yeah.

What about that secret girlfriend at work, Lisa?

Oh. She's mad at me because we can't do our dating

out in the open.

Apparently, going out to her means being seen in public.

You are so weird.

How do you know I'm weird?

All you know about me is that I have this haircut,

unless you think that's weird.

My ex was in the Marine Corps.

I love buzz cuts.

Oh, yeah? Why's that?

Friction.

Oh, uh, What do you mean?

You know.

Well, you might as well give me a shave now, too,

'cause I'm not, I'm not going to get up

for another couple of minutes.

[theme song]

♪ Moon over Parma, bring my love to me tonight ♪

♪ Guide her to Cleveland underneath your silvery light ♪

♪ We're goin' bowlin' ♪

♪ So don't lose her in Solon ♪

♪ Moon over Parma tonight ♪

[instrumental music]

Kate, where's Drew?

He told me his operative

would meet me in his cubicle?

I'm supposed to tell you to wait by his desk

and act like everything's normal.

That's all I can tell you now,

otherwise, I'll have to kill you.

[chuckles]

[telephone ringing]

[ringing]

Pick it up!

[Ringing]

What's going on, Drew?

Bob.

Okay, what's going on, Bob?

Look, I-I'm making this secret phone call

to tell you that I'm ready to tell the world

about our relationship.

Really? We can start dating now?

Well, you know, not now. But soon.

Oh, wait, Bob, I think I recognize this place.

It's square one.

No, this time is different.

I'm ready to prove how committed I am to you.

Open the top right-hand drawer.

"How to Hypnotize Women"?

No. Behind that.

By the way, uh,

[snap] platypus!

Yes, master.

Not even close, but I did stop smoking.

[snap] Platypus.

Even less close. You think I'd weigh this much

if I could be hypnotized?

So, uh, what's in here?

It's a signed promise

that until we can get together

I won't see anyone else.

This is really sweet, but all I'm asking for

is a simple date to the movies.

No codes, no disguises,

nobody pretending to be our dates.

Get down! They'll see us!

I just want you to be a little patient.

Our interoffice dating will be totally cool

as soon as you're made head of your department.

Then you'll be management and we can go out.

Until then, uh,

look in the second drawer from the left.

What are these?

Oh, they're, uh,

Valentines until the year 2060.

Actually, around 2040,

they turn into "Get Well" cards, but...

Drew...

And I can't call you Bob when I say this.

I got asked out on a date,

and I'm going to go.

I think that you should consider doing the same.

Look, Lisa, isn't there some way we can work this out?

Can't you just give me--

Lisa.

Ooh!

This is beautiful.

A good hair day, and I caught the pig

in his playpen.

And then the faith healer went like this, huhyah!

She was healed!

[laughing]

And then I just flipped around

and watched some monster trucks

and went to bed.

And as far as your requisition goes,

just give me a little more time, that's all.

Thanks, uh, for trying, Drew,

but, um, I don't think it's gonna work.

[snap] Platypus.

[snap] Jackass.

[instrumental music]

You got to stop sending Lisa things, Drew.

The pizza and chocolates

are gonna keep coming back. It's over.

How can it be over when it never even got started?

Okay,

we're gonna have to explain to you

in black and white

exactly what you're doing wrong here.

How much money have you spent

on Lisa in the past week?

I don't know. About 100 bucks, but,

doesn't really count, 'cause I got to eat most of it.

I think can demonstrate this more clearly.

Drew, give me a dollar.

Come on. Come on, come on.

Okay, now give me $5.00.

Okay, now give me $10.

All I got left is a 20.

That's fine.

Okay. See you at Hooters.

So what are you saying,

that I should start dating other people?

I don't want to date anyone else.

I want to go out with Lisa.

You want someone who's unavailable,

and now you're making yourself unavailable

while you're waiting for her.

I am not.

Okay, then let me fix you up. I know hundreds of women.

All available, all gorgeous, all lonely.

Honey?

Just a minute.

You know, a good friend of mine gave me this.

I haven't actually looked inside it,

'cause I'm in love with my gal Kate.

Um, so why do you carry it with you?

Yeah. Why is that?

- Huh. - Huh.

Every one of these women is my blood type.

You know, in case I get in an accident.

- Oh.. - Oh...smart. Yeah.

You're about to get in an accident.

[laughing]

Gimme, gimme! Hey, hey, hey, hey!

Look, I'm not saying I don't want to date anybody else.

I just don't want to pick out some stranger's name

from a book, that's all.

Hey! What does it mean

when someone has four bananas?

It means I better have ten.

[chuckles]

I do.

Aw.

That's cute.

[laughing]

So why don't you just ask out

someone you know but don't work with?

Hey, how about your hairdresser, Sioux?

Oh, she parties pretty hard, you know.

She kinda runs with a fast crowd.

Mmm. Maybe she runs with a normal crowd

and you just run real slow.

[instrumental music]

Are you here to see Sioux?

Yes, I'm her 12:30.

Oh, man, that only leaves me a half hour to...

complete my inspection.

When was the last time you were here, pally?

About a month ago.

Uh-oh.

That's when we first discovered the eggs.

They're probably still in the larval stage.

Whoa! Whoa! We got a jumper! Watch out! Whoa!

[stomping]

Ah. Yeah, one of their scouts. You know,

for every one we catch, 1,000 waiting to hatch.

Careful. They head south.

Hey, Drew.

What happened to my 12:30?

I don't know. Something was buggin' him.

He, uh...

he left you a tip, though.

Alright. Half hour off.

So, why you back so soon?

Oh, well, I had a big meeting comin' up,

so I thought I'd come back and get a trim,

especially around the right ear here.

Alright, Drew!

It's so cool that you took this first step.

Good for you.

Well, you know, it's just an earring.

No, I mean that you decided to openly admit

that you're gay. Right ear.

Actually, I'm not.

It's just my mother's clip-on.

I didn't know you lived with your mother.

I don't. Look, uh,

I came in here and I wanted you to think

I was real hip and everything.

Lewis said to wear it on the right ear.

Thank God I didn't wear the chaps, huh?

[chuckling]

Now it's really humiliating. Now that I talked about it,

it's gonna make it even harder for me to ask you out.

You're asking me out?

Yeah.

Well, that is so sweet.

Well, you know, I am kind of into virgins.

Hey, I got a clip-on. I'm a m-m-m-maniac here.

Virgin.

Wait. Are you still a virgin if you, uh...

[indistinct whispering]

Go on.

That's it.

You're a virgin.

Yeah, but by your definition,

my parents are virgins.

Look, if you're seeing someone or something,

it's okay.

Oh, thank you for permission.

Drew, doll.

I date who I want,

when I want,

and where I want.

You're afraid of me, aren't you?

Alright, I'll go.

So where are we going?

And don't, Bore me.

Oh, y-you want wild, huh?

Mmm.

I'll give you wild.

You don't know how wild I can be.

[watch beeps]

Hold on just a second.

I gotta take my vitamins.

Here, watch this. No water.

- Drew... - Yeah?

They're chewable.

Yeah. But they're sour.

[instrumental music]

Yee-haw!

Giddyap!

So, Secretariat, you two have a good time?

Actually, it was a little quiet.

Quiet? I saw a guy lose a finger.

We went to a biker strip bar.

It was open Mike night.

Poor Mike.

Why'd you take her to a strip bar on your first date?

Oh, no. I took him.

I wanted him to meet mom.

So!

When does this place open?

Hey, a polka band will be here in an hour.

They're gonna rock your world, baby.

[Oswald] Now that you're going out with Drew,

can you give me some free hairstyling advice?

Do you think I should go for the Friends look

or the George Clooney?

I think you should shave your butt and walk backwards.

Now, which Friend is that?

Wow. Uh-oh.

What?

It's Lisa, and she's with

about the most handsome guy in the world.

So? I'm not bothered.

Hi, Lisa. Oh, my God!

Hey, Drew.

Hey, guys.

Hi.

I'm Sioux, with an "X,"

and you are very beautiful.

And I see you belong

to the "Toy of the Month" club, too, huh?

There's no "X" in Sioux.

I see the batteries are already in.

Listen, I'm going to hit the head.

Just getting all the little soldiers

at attention. I'll see ya.

Yah!

Wow.

I hope you're still taking your vitamins, Drew.

Oh, Drew, this is Dean.

Hi, uh.. Lisa and I are just old friends.

I know. We just went to your favorite restaurant.

And, uh, your favorite Baskin-Robbins

and your favorite donut shop.

[chuckling] Say, do you have

a favorite heart doctor?

'Cause I think there's a truck on my chest.

[laughing]

You took him to all my favorite places?

Well, I never got to go there with you.

See you later, Drew.

Want to go upstairs?

[sighs] Weird, isn't it?

You're on a date, you run into your old girlfriend

with her new boyfriend,

and all I can think of is just settin' the place on fire.

Drew! Drew.

You've gotten into my vitamins, angel?

Listen...

two guys started giving me crap,

and we kinda got in a fight. In about two seconds,

they're going to come charging down here

looking for me.

Don't worry. No one's going to hurt you.

We'll be in the car before they get down here.

- Come on, let's go. - Drew...

These guys insulted me.

Now are you going to tell them off,

or are you gonna run away scared?

Scared? I'll show you who's scared.

I'll not only tell them off,

I'll make them apologize.

Great. Drew, these are the guys.

Are you the guy who has something to say to us?

Nope, not me.

You must mean my friend Louis.

Now, he wants you to apologize to the lady.

Okay, I'm sorry. Okay.

Now I suggest you get out of here.

I'm too out of shape for a long fight.

I'd just have to kill you fast.

[cheering]

Lovely.

That was great.

Can you imagine what would have happened

if they'd really insulted me?

You mean you almost got us killed for no reason?

[chuckles]

Wow. What a rush.

Hey, let's go to the zoo and poke some bears.

[instrumental music]

[Sioux] Ooh! Ouch!

Ow!

Oh! What are you gonna do,

strip-search me now?

You'd like that, wouldn't you?

No, ma'am. I think you'd like it.

Oh.

Sioux, what's going on?

I caught her stealing in housewares, Drew.

She said she knows you,

so I thought I'd have a look-see.

Oh, please.

Alright. One for the files.

Well! At least we know

she didn't steal any lingerie.

Okay.

I'll leave her in your custody, Drew.

And, you,

watch it, klepto.

Alright, you.

Right now. You and me, right now,

here, let's go. Come on.

Don't make me get medieval on your ass, ma'am.

You want to see the other stuff I got?

- You got other stuff? - Mm-hmm.

You put stuff under your hat?

No. I stole the hat.

And this ankle bracelet.

But I'm gonna take it back,

because I wanna get it engraved.

Why didn't you steal the engraving machine?

Wouldn't fit under my skirt.

Look, you can't take all this stuff.

It's not even paid for.

Not paid for?

Uh, no. Not till I charged it

on my Winfred-Louder charge card.

You know, another $1,000, I get a frequent-flyer mile.

Uh, Mimi, this is Sioux with an "X."

Sioux, this is Mimi with an extra chromosome.

Bite me.

Wow. That is daring.

Thanks.

Same.

Thanks.

You know, I have to do your hair.

Where do you go now?

Scissors 'N' Whiskey.

Okay, I'll give you a shot.

Okay.

[chuckles] There's this mannequin on the third floor

that is just so me.

Alright, let's go. Hey, Drew?

I'll be right back. We still on for tonight?

Uh, yeah I..

Excellent.

Man. She's violent, she steals,

she likes Mimi.

Hey, maybe she'll beat up Mimi and steal her.

[instrumental music]

Do you really think my hair looks good?

Oh, yeah.

Then why did that woman at the Warsaw

point at me and laugh?

What quality do women admire most in a man?

The ability to make them laugh.

And you, my friend? Your magic even works on men.

[Oswald] Hey, Drew, I thought

we were gonna watch the game together.

What happened?

Ah, I just had a couple of stops to make and sort..

[laughing]

Alright. That's it.

Nobody laughed at Lewis

when he got the Dorothy Hamill.

[answering machine beeps]

[Lisa on speaker] Hey, Drew. It's Lisa.

Um, I'm at home. It's around 7:30.

Good news. I won't be seeing Dean anymore.

Here's the best part.

I, uh, I think I found a way

you and I can start seeing each other.

I'm gonna go to bed early,

so, uh, I'll talk to you tomorrow. I can't wait.

[Drew] Oh, this is great.

[answering machine beeps]

[Sioux on speaker] Yo, Drew. It's Sioux.

Listen. Details about our date tonight.

Meet me at 4000 Collins Road.

Oh, and one more thing..

Wear grippy shoes.

[dial tone]

I don't believe this.

What does she mean by grippy shoes?

Maybe it's some kind of weird sex thing

where you hang upside down like a bat.

[laughing]

Or maybe it's for something

really dangerous.

Oh, man. What if it's jogging?

[instrumental music]

Sioux?

Hello?

Sioux?

Oh.

Sioux?

Whoo! Hey, Drew.

Oh, my God.

Are you out of your mind?

Get down from there

before you hurt yourself.

No. whoo!

What do you think of the view from up here?

Isn't it romantic?

Oh yeah. I'm sure that's why

they built this water tower.

Nothing like climbing through 12 years

of encrusted bird crap to get you in the mood.

You haven't even looked yet.

Oh, I think I'll have plenty of time to look

while I'm plunging to my death.

Come on.

Oh, yeah. Wow.

The view's great from here.

Hey, I can see my house.

Who wrote that on my roof?

"Bite me."

Alright.

It's your turn.

You're what, about 150, right?

[chuckles] What, are you talking my right leg?

I can't do that.

Alright. Let's just go down the ladder headfirst.

Uh, hey, Sioux.

Listen, uh...

I really had a great time with you this week, and, uh,

believe me, there's no one I'd rather go

on a killing spree with.

But, uh...

I just recently realized that my feelings for someone

are a lot stronger than I thought they were.

Oh, my God.

You're dumping me?

[sighs]

Wha.. This is horrible.

I don't know what to do.

- No! I'm not worth it. - Drew!

You nearly pushed me over the edge.

Oh.

I-I'm sorry, I thought you were gonna kill yourself.

Oh, please. Drew,

we went out three times.

I mean, you're a nice guy and everything,

but I'd sooner push you off the water tower.

[laughs]

So you're okay with this?

Well...

[sighs] You know what we have to do now, don't you?

Whatever it is, you go first.

Alright.

Close your eyes.

Oh.

Wow.

When'd you get that pierced?

[instrumental music]

Got the sniffles?

Yeah, a little.

It took forever for all those firemen

to get me down off that water tower.

So, what's up?

I just found out

that the new Personal Shopper program needs a manager.

I am that manager.

Wow. Kate, I never even thought of you for this.

Are you kidding? I've got the highest rate

of return customers in cosmetics,

and I promised my dad

I'd buy him a new lawnmower with my big, new raise.

Your mom got tired of pulling the yoke huh?

Yeah.

So here's the big question.

Will you give me the job?

Hey, haven't you always been there for me?

I'm gonna do everything in my power

to make sure you get this.

You've been working really hard.

You deserve to move up.

- Really? - Yeah.

Drew, you're such a sweetheart.

- Hey, guys. - Hey, Lis.

Well, I'd love to stay and watch you two reconcile,

so I will.

Uh, Kate, I think

we're gonna do baby talk.

Oh, puke.

So? You said there's a way for us

to get back together. What is it?

You know that new position,

head of the Personal Shopper program?

Uh-huh.

If I could get that job,

we'd both be management and we could date.

[laughing] Man, just when you thought

there was no way in hell we could ever get together.

Someone must really be smiling on us.

Oh, somebody's doing somethin' on us.

That's for sure.

Pretty soon,

I'll be able to do that.

Oh, puke.

I'm putting in to manage

the Personal Shopper program.

Mr. Bell says he's totally behind me.

That could very well be.

I wouldn't be able to see him anyway.

[instrumental music]

You ever eat poisonous blowfish?

Only enough to go unconscious.

So, what about you?

Ever rassle a gator?

How do you think I got through college?

Okay. Ever make it on a plane?

Inside or out?

You know, just between you and me,

there's-there's one thing that--

I've never been able to do.

Oh, come on, tell me.

I can't polka.

And you live in Cleveland?

[laughs] Get up on your heels, girl.

It is time to get Polish.

I can't.

Here's a tip.

Just pretend I'm a gator.