Original subtitles

Look, I'm really sorry about this Joe,

but, uh, Mr. Bell wants me to check up

on all the employee health claims for fraud.

And, um, he, um, was kind of wondering if you,

you know, really had a wooden leg.

[clattering]

Whoa. So I guess we can skip the questions

about the glass eye, huh?

Hey, that's my letter opener.

Why don't you just go ahead and keep that?

[Man on PA] Attention, Winfred-Louder customers and employees.

The store will be closing in ten minutes

due to rapidly worsening weather conditions

and the shutdown of public transportation.

Thank you for shopping Winfred-Louder

and please drive safely...

so you can come back

and we can gouge you on our prices again.

[man chuckles]

Oh, no. Is this thing on?

[indistinct chatter]

Do you believe this ice storm?

I just saw a bird hit the window and shatter.

Oh, man. So you took the bus, too?

No. Actually, I just got a carpool.

Oh! Do you have room for one more?

Oh, I think it might be awkward.

Joe Thompson is driving.

Oh, yeah, he asked me to give you this.

But just say I stuck it in your thigh.

Oh, man. How am I gonna get home?

Get another carpool quick.

I can't go running around the store

looking for a carpool.

We gotta finish this up for Mr. Bell before he leaves.

Ahh, man! I knew it would come to this.

[Exhales] Mimi.

I'm sorry for everything I've ever said to you.

Forget it, frosty. Stand on the corner

with the rest of the losers and grab a bumper.

[chuckles]

It's a ride home, Mimi.

Drew's asking for a simple act of kindness.

Okay.

Here's last month's urgent messages.

You know... you could always catch a ride

with the optimists club.

[laughs]

Oh, you think I wouldn't?

Oh, that's a great idea. Thanks, Mimi.

You're a Saint... Bernard.

She's right, Drew.

No! Not the optimists' club. I can't.

Don't make me.

It's an emergency.

You could be stranded here all night.

So, I've got coffee.

I've seen Mimi jiggle food

out of the vending machines.

I can live on honeybuns for a night.

I've done it before.

Drew.

Damn it! There's no choice.

You'd better go. Be careful.

You, too. Call me when you get home.

- Alright. - Alright.

Hi, Faith!

Hidy-do.

So how are things at the Optimists Club?

Drew, can you believe this ice storm?

What luck. I just got an ice scraper

that looks like a bear claw.

[growls]

[both laughs]

What a great attitude.

You know, there are some doofuses

walking around here that think this is

the worst natural disaster

in the history of Cleveland.

[chuckles]

So.. you got room for one more in the carpool?

Always room for one more. But hurry.

Everybody in the carpool is anxious to get home

and share this terrific ice storm with their families.

Okay. I just gotta do this one more thing

for Mr. Bell, though.

So, I'll try to hurry up.

Oh, uh-uh. Be optimistic.

Okay.

[Drew muttering] Someday I'm gonna marry that gal.

Okay. I'll just print this up for Mr. Bell.

Let's see, Alt, backslash, backslash,

semicolon, semicolon, command, dot, P.

Oh, come on! Don't freeze up on me now.

[crackling]

[fizzling]

Oh, I hope I remembered to hit save.

♪ Moon over Parma, bring my love to me tonight ♪

♪ Guide her to Cleveland ♪

♪ Underneath your silvery light ♪

♪ We're goin' bowlin' ♪

♪ So don't lose her in Solon ♪

♪ Moon over Parma, tonight ♪

[Mimi sobbing]

I'm sure gonna miss Drew.

I told him, "Don't get into that carpool."

[sobbing]

I'm okay. Thanks.

[sobbing]

[clears throat]

Yes, hoarding post-its.

I knew it. A pig even in death.

Hey, what the hell is goin' on here?

You're-you're alive?

Yeah, I'm alive. I'm just a little late. That's all.

Oh, look.

It's the 50th anniversary of my desk.

How come nobody ever told me?

You're supposed to be dead.

What? What are you talking about?

Your carpool was in a horrible accident.

Th-the optimists were all so positive

they could beat that train.

Oh, my God.

Was anybody hurt?

The news said that everybody

was listed in serious condition

except for one casualty.

A heavyset man in his late 50s.

I mean, I just assumed.

Oh, man. That...

It could have been me.

Guess I'll have to cancel the party.

I'll just take that six foot hoagie

over to the homeless shelter.

I bet only three feet make it there.

Kate, Jay, did you hear?

I-I'm alive.

I should have been in that carpool,

but I wasn't. So I'm alive.

Oh, they took my stapler.

You jackals!

But it doesn't matter, though. 'Cause I'm alive.

I know. It's so weird.

The whole store thinks you're dead.

On the first floor,

they're saying that your severed hand

was found 50 yards from the car

still clutching a burger.

So the-the whole store is mourning my death?

Um, well, they're expressing some emotion

relating to your death, yeah, mm-hmm.

- Mm-hmm. - Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah, if they're dancing now,

wait till they find out you're alive.

[instrumental music]

I can't find it.

It's--it's not in any of your old stuff.

Are--are you sure you didn't trade it

for some old Playboys?

Oh, Oswald, I don't think I traded in

the family Bible for some old Playboys.

Hey, look!

It's my old scout uniform.

Oh.

You got a merit badge for being a tri-athlete?

Actually, I got it for catching

the scout master smokin' a doobie up at the lake.

Oh, this badge fell off.

Oh, What's it for?

Uh, sewing.

[knocking on door]

Coming.

- Well, hey. How you doing? - Hi.

- Hi. - Hey.

Alright, Drew, what did you do with the scout?

Oswald and I are trying to find my family Bible.

I left something very important in it.

Oh, you traded that Bible to me for some old Playboys.

Yeah, but you traded it to me for my mom's Playgirls.

Oh, yeah.

And you traded it to me for my kid brother.

Wait, wait, wait. So you have the Bible?

No, I gave it back to Drew

after he got weirded out by The Exorcist.

Hey, guys, this wouldn't be the Bible you're looking for

here on the bookshelf, would it? Duh.

Here it is.

Now, this is what I've been looking for.

What is it? What?

It's a list I made when I was 12

of things I wanted to accomplish before I die.

Oh, my God. How embarrassing.

"Number one, touch a booby."

Uh, there's still time, Drew.

"Number two, get faced."

Gee, you were really deep.

"Number three, gain weight."

Boy, when you put your mind to something, you just..

shut up.

Hey, "Number four, get married and have a family.

"Number five, Buy mom a house.

Number six, Give a year to God."

Ah, yeah. I was 14.

Remember, I wanted to be a minister.

Man, I've totally gotten off track.

What if I had died in that car crash?

I would only have accomplished

look, two, three and a half of these things.

It's never wrong to want to do something

with your life. But you could have just missed

that carpool by coincidence.

No, there's gotta be a reason.

Computers just don't catch fire.

Why was I spared

and one of the members of the Optimist Club taken?

Look at his obituary.

Why did he die and nothing happen to me?

"Josh Tilden, 54, Rotary Club, Big Brothers,

"organ donor, Humane Society,

"foster parent, Save the Children,

Peace Corps, Meals on Wheels."

Well, I mean, it doesn't say one thing about touching a booby.

You know, Drew, there's one place you can go

to get definitive answers

on the most spiritual question.

Ouija board.

[all cheering]

Hey, hey.

You know, at a party once,

we used the ouija board to communicate

with Marilyn Monroe.

Really? And what did she say?

"I was killed by the Kenne--"

And then it just stopped.

What do you think that meant?

[all laughing] - I don't know.

Okay, here we go.

Why was I spared?

What am I supposed to do with my life?

[all murmuring]

[in unison] "B..."

[laughing]

[in unison] "E..."

Be, what am I supposed to be?

Wait, wait. It's still moving.

[in unison] "E..."

[all murmuring]

[in unison] "R."

B-E-R. Be-er.

Beer. Beer!

I thought you'd never ask.

Thanks, demon.

Uh, the demon wants imported.

Okay.

Look at me talking to spirits for guidance.

I gotta talk to someone who knows

what they're doing. Or I'm gonna go crazy.

Here.

O hoary host of the netherworld,

should I go talk to my minister?

[murmuring]

[in unison] "C..."

"H..."

C-H. it's spelling church.

No, no. I'm spelling chips.

Where do you keep the barbecue?

[instrumental music]

Boy, I tell ya, never fight over a parking space

with a Christian.

They'd just as soon kill you as look at you.

You know, Drew, if there's one place

that will explain to you how missing a carpool

is an act of God, this is it.

Yeah. It's like today's sermon

was tailor-made for your situation.

"God's message to all of us.

"I will smite one person every day

until more people take the bus."

Hmm.

And I hope Reverend Lindemann recognizes me.

You know, it's been kind of a while.

[Oswald] I remember during your minister phase,

you tried to baptize Lewis' hamster.

Spinoza?

You baptized Spinoza?

He was a Buddhist.

Reverend Lindemann. Hey. Remember me?

Of course I do. You look great.

Really?

Really. It's great to see you, George.

How's that son of yours Drew?

He was growing up to be quite a little Butterball.

Sir, you're talking to the turkey now.

Drew? Well, look at you.

You're all grown up.

Good Lord.

I'm allowed to say that.

It's good to see you back in church.

Yeah. Uh, actually, I got kind of a problem

I wanted to you about, maybe after the service.

Oh, No, I have a few minutes.

Would you like to step into my rectory?

[laughing]

No, wait. We can't.

My rectory is closed.

[laughs]

It's being painted.

[laughs]

Shut up, Oswald.

I'm sorry, Reverend Lindemann.

Now, what is it you want to talk about, Drew?

Uh, well, sir, you see there was a...

I missed my carpool yesterday,

and there was an accident. Someone got killed.

Oh, Tilden. Yes. I read about that.

Did you know he used to coach

our blind softball team?

Oh.

One, two, three, swing.

What a tremendous loss.

I know that, sir.

But, I think there might have been

a more powerful thing at work here.

See, I-I missed the carpool

because my computer caught fire.

Were you running 486 applications

on a 386 processor? 'Cause that'll do it.

Uh, No. What I'm trying to say is

I think that God kept me out of that carpool.

Oh, wow.

Wouldn't that be something?

Uh, actually, sir, I was thinking

about devoting my life to the church.

Oh, I see.

Well, I can't help you out there, Drew.

That's between you and God, but I can say this.

Follow your heart.

And then you'll know what to do.

Now, I have to prepare for the service

it's good to have you back, Drew.

Excuse me, reverend.

Um, we were having trouble finding a place to sit,

and we were wondering...

[clears throat] this rectory of yours...

Doesn't happen to have a pew in it, does it?

[laughing]

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]

Drew, we have a problem.

Nora's trying to steal my kitten.

Oh, that is not your kitten.

I found it this morning in the ladies' room.

He escaped out of my stall.

I only put him down for a minute

Right! That's what you said about the UPS man.

Oh, man. This is great.

I've been reading about something just like this.

I think this book can help.

Yeah, me too. Hit her with it.

And I'll grab the cat.

Let's try something else, first,

uh, give me the kitten. I'm going to cut it in half.

What?

No, it really works. Come on give me the cat.

You're insane!

Hey, everybody,

Drew's gone crazy, He's got a knife!

He's gonna kill a little kitten. Help!

I'm not crazy.

It's like King Solomon in the Bible!

It's just like cutting up a baby.

I'm trying to make a point.

Come on. Let's go.

We'll share custody, like we did with the UPS man.

Evil, evil, evil, evil. Stupid!

Oh, oh, wait, oh look! A knife and a Bible.

Don't tell me, Old Testament.

You know, this religious advice stuff

isn't as hard as people make you think.

Well, which reminds me, while the two of you are here,

I want to talk about premarital sex.

[clears throat]

Drew, you got to meet somebody, first.

So, you're still thinking of becoming a minister, huh?

You haven't been this carried away

since you had the idea of the little model train

that brings your beer.

Well, the Choo-Choo Chug came to me in a dream.

But this... is divine intervention.

Hmm. Oh. That's what you said

when you came up with the idea

for radio-controlled pizza.

Look, I'm serious.

Look, the reverend even faxed me this questionnaire.

It's kind of like an informal aptitude test.

I've been sittin' on it all afternoon

answering questions just like that.

"If you had the chance, would you kill Hitler?"

No, because then we wouldn't have an A&E channel.

Wait a minute.

If I did kill Hitler, I'd be on the A&E channel

as the guy who killed Hitler.

What about "Thou shall not kill"?

Oh, sure.

Where's the part about not touching yourself?

I know those.

Drew, I'm gonna see you later.

And I'm sure you're gonna figure it out.

Okay. Alright.

So, I see you got a Bible here.

Well, let me save you a little reading.

You're going to hell!

[laughs]

Yeah. I always wanted to see your place.

What do you know about the Bible?

Uh, it just so happens that I'm thinking

about becoming a minister.

[laughs sarcastically]

Oh, oh, well, I'm going to study with Baryshnikov

to be a prima ballerina.

Didn't I see you in Fantasia?

"The dumb ass spoke with human voice."

Check it out. Second book of Peter.

I can't get dragged into this.

The new Drew has to learn to turn the other cheek.

Well, I hope we're not talking about your butt

'cause I don't have all day.

[laughs]

Bring it home, Mimi! Yes!

Hope we're not talking about your butt.

Hey, you want some cream with that?

Open your purse.

[instrumental music]

Hey, Reverend Lindemann.

Workin' up words of wisdom for Sunday's sermon?

No. I'm making up a batting order.

It's kind of a moral dilemma.

See, I'm thinking of asking a partially sighted girl

to bat cleanup.

Have you considered, uh, cutting her in half?

That's not really the answer to all your problems, Drew.

Well, I know that.

Look, uh, I think you'll be really proud of

they way I answered these questions.

Could we go over them, now?

Sure. Just give me a few minutes.

And I'll be right back.

Just going to step into my rectory.

Go ahead.

I know you want to.

[chuckles]

All rise.

Please be seated.

All rise again and, now, sit down.

And up. and down. And two more, and three more.

♪ And left, and right, and up. ♪

I'm not a member,

but could I have a word with you, reverend?

Who, me?

Oh, I'm just kind of in training, I'm not really...

What's the problem?

This is very complicated,

but I really need someone to talk to.

Oh, sure.

How-how hard could it be?

Well, my husband just left me for my sister.

Whoa.

And I-I have a child who needs an operation,

but I don't have the money.

Oh.

'Cause I just lost my job.

I could get the money.

There you go.

But it's from a friend who I'm pretty sure stole it.

But from drug dealers.

Hmm.

Is it wrong to take the money?

Hold on just a second.

Oh, let's see...

lost job, cheating sister, drug money...

Look, uh...

The real minister's in the rectory.

Excuse me?

Yeah. This is a little bit over my head.

Why'd you let me tell you all this?

I thought I was ready.

I thought I could help you.

If you want to help me, get me a job.

Oh, okay.

What?

No. I'm serious. What do you do?

I've been a waitress.

I have a cafeteria.

I'm a personnel director at Winfred-Louder downtown.

Just, uh, come by Monday morning.

I'll set you up.

Just like that?

Yeah.

Just like that.

On faith.

Ah, uh, but don't bring your family.

[instrumental music]

[all laughing]

Hey. There you are.

Hey, Drew.

So, how'd it go with the minister?

Did you pass the test?

No. I failed miserably.

I should have killed Hitler.

Lawyers can get into heaven.

And I should have put the oxygen mask

on the kid first.

Sorry.

Well, we all chipped in got you a little something

to help you study for next time.

Oh.

- Here you go. - Oh, wow.

A digital Bible.

I always wondered what John 3:16 meant.

Oh, look. It says dye your hair three different colors

and sit behind home plate.

[laughs]

Listen, uh, that's really nice, thanks,

but I don't think there's gonna be a next time.

Hey. What happened to Reverend Carey?

Well, I thought about it and I,

you know, I can help people with the job I have now.

Besides, those moral dilemmas were just too complex.

You know? I can't even decide whether Razzles

is a candy or a gum.

So, what? You're just gonna blow off

this whole minister thing?

No way. I'm gonna start going to church every Sunday.

Right after the Super Bowl.

Me, too.

[sniffs] Hey. Where's the beer?

Hup. Coming right up.

[train whirring]

[train whistles]

[bottles clattering]

[exclaiming]

Oh, my God.

My beer could have been on that train.

[instrumental music]

You know, Drew, our church

usually doesn't do this sort of thing.

Well, believe me. It's an emergency.

You know, things have gotten pretty ugly.

Let's see, uh, cross, vestments...

Oh, darn. I forgot my Bible.

Oh, well, here. Use mine.

Oh, thank you.

"Touch a booby."

I believe this is yours.

Oh, we're getting closer. Can you feel the chill?

Uh, well, a little.

There she is, right there.

Commence the exorcism.

Drew, it's just woman.

[snarling] What do you want?

I think we're going to need a Catholic for this one.