All language subtitles for The Drew Carey Show (1995) - S01E14 - Drew and the Unstable Element (720p DVD Upscale x264 8bit AAC 2.0 DJPitaB).eng

Drew, do you got any
Fruit Roll-Ups in here?

I'm starving.

Hey, don't eat the
only healthy thing

in my lunch.

Have one of the
fried mozzarella balls.

Don't you have any
plastic wrap at home?

That's my new self-help program.

Everyday I wrap my sandwich
in an inspirational article

and I canread it
while I'm eating.

"How to hypnotize women."

Kate, you won't tell
anyone about this.

Maybe.

No, I mean, Kate...

You won't tell
anyone about this.

Do you believe this guy? Hey!

What?

He's sniffing my fruit roll.

Kate, these are
the last four people

that will ride in a
carpool with me.

Don't blow it, okay?

[squeaky voice] Drew!

What?

What?

He's so weird, Drew.

Oh, He's just rockin'
out to some tape.

"James Earl Jones
reads Schindler's List."

So what? The headphones
aren't even plugged in.

[theme music]

♪ Moon over Parma, bring
my love to me tonight ♪

♪ Guide her to Cleveland
underneath your silvery light ♪

♪ We're goin' bowlin' ♪

♪ So don't lose her in Solon ♪

♪ Moon over Parma tonight ♪

[instrumental music]

Alright, it's 30 degrees
below with the wind chill,

but I was able to rack
up the balls and break.

Did you sink anything?

Part of the nine ball
went in the side pocket.

The rest of it just
scattered around the yard.

Your turn.

Ohh, I need some gloves.

Coming right up.

And we got gloves.

The secret's in the cinnamon.

It's so cute the way you join in

all our little reindeer games.

You know, on days like
this, my real crazy friends

they sit around a fireplace
and toast marshmallows.

Why do you guys
have to play pool

on the coldest day of the year?

I dunno, why do you celebrate New
Year's on the first day of the year?

There's no logic
behind it, You just do it.

Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!

Metal snaps.

Ow! Ow!

Close the door!

Goodness gracious,

we can't afford to heat
the whole outdoors.

[door slams shut]

Man, I hope it's cold tomorrow
so I don't have to work.

I still haven't done my
employee evaluations.

I hope you're sensitive
with those evaluations Drew.

You don't want to write
down something like,

I don't know, for example,

"The guy's got a goofy haircut."

That could really
hurt... someone.

Drew, when you get
to Earl's evaluation,

I've got a few things to add.

Because the way he was
acting in the car this morning,

it was just the
tip of the iceberg.

Come on, he's a little
quirky, but he's okay.

Who's Earl?

Oh, he's a guy I hired
a few months ago.

Nice guy, bit of a
loner, kind of quiet.

Always carries around a hatbox.

Come on, I'm serious.
He's always creeped me out,

but now he stares
at me all the time.

Oh, I'm sure it's
not all the time.

Mhmm. I knew you'd say that.

He was staring at me at 10:00
when he went to get coffee,

at 10:15 when he
went to wash his hands,

at 10:40 when he took his break,

at 10:50 when he did
his deep-knee bends,

at 11:20 when he cracked
every single knuckle.

So every time you're spying
on him, he's staring at you?

Exactly.

You know how most guys

just undress you
with their eyes?

With Earl, it's like,

I don't know how to put this.

He's taking off my skin.

We had a crazy guy at Drug-Co.

Turned out he
accidentally took a drug

that turns you into a
psychopathic axe murderer.

It's not on the market yet.

Apparently it gives
you headaches.

Sometimes you just like to hear

yourself talk, don't you?

Alright Kate, if it will make
you feel better,

I'll go talk to Earl.

Thanks.

Oh, By the way, he also thinks
he's the store manager.

It's probably just
an affirmation.

If you say those things over and
over, you know they come true.

I learned that

from my ham and cheese
sandwich yesterday.

Although my tuna
sandwich disagreed.

It said to just be
happy as you are.

Whew!

I scratched, and either
it's really cold out there,

or there's a lot more
room in my underwear.

[instrumental music]

Oh, look. One of the
mannequins escaped

from the "Big and
Useless" department.

What are you doing here?

I don't know. Why do people
slow down to look at a car wreck?

Listen, uh, Just so I don't
start any rumors,

who are you buying a tie for?

Just someone
special, as if you cared.

Someone I know?

I don't know.

Maybe.

Here's his picture.

[scoffs]

Antonio Banderas?

Your special someone
is Antonio Banderas.

Does, uh, does
he know about this?

We've written a few times.

Oh. Let me guess.
You write to him,

and then he sends you back

an autographed
restraining order.

Hey, it's no different
than that thing

between you and Sara Lee.

Hey, I only wrote to her once.

That was a great idea,

a cake you can
eat in the shower.

Hey, Drew.

Mimi, you find anything yet?

Nah, I'm still looking.

Wait a minute.

Gummi bra!

Well, he should wash
it out, then. You know.

So, uh... what can I do for you?

Oh, you know, just
making my rounds.

Making sure everybody's happy.

Just wanted to say hi.

- Hi.
- Hi.

Ooh, and, uh, I
need to buy a tie.

Okay, let me just, oh..

Hey, you touch it, you buy it.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Okay, well, don't bother!

They're all messed up now.

Anyway,

I'll just start again.

Hey, just out of
curiosity, Earl,

did you lose your hair,
or did you pull it out?

[chuckles]

Wait a minute.
She's doing it again.

Who?

Kate. She's starin' at me.

She does this all day long.

She makes me feel
like Charlton Heston

in that ape movie.

Planet of the Apes?

No.

Beneath the Planet of the Apes.

[snaps finger]
That's the one.

Wow, that's so funny.

She thinks you're
staring at her,

and you think she's starin' at--

Hey, whoa.

Hey, man. You didn't
have to touch me.

I'm sorry. I didn't know.

Hey, you wouldn't
like it if I just came up

and started touching you.

Uh, I wouldn't like it. I
don't like it. I'm not liking it.

Well, you can tell Kate

and any other employee
that has a problem

that they can mind
their own business.

L-Look, nobody's
hassling you here, pal.

It's okay, Just calm
down. You know,

just... keep up the good work.

Alright, well, thanks
for stopping by Drew.

Now, if you don't mind,

I got a department
store to manage.

Man, I should have
known he was nuts

by those crazy glasses.

The no-touching
thing, the anal-tie thing,

the delusions-of-power thing.

It's got all the classic
textbook signs of a Thing

or, at least, something
in the Thing family.

So, he is crazy?

Hey. I don't wanna be the
first to say anybody's crazy.

I already said it.

Then I concur.

He's Wicky in the Wacky Woo.

How did I miss it?

We gave him a
psychological profile.

He passed with flying colors.

Look, under the question,

"Have you ever had seizures,

blackouts, or been
institutionalized?"

It says, "Never."

It doesn't say, "Never."

It says, "Over."

As in turn over.

No, it doesn't.

Oh, my God.

What's it say?

Well it says, in so many words,

technically speaking, that
he's Wicky in the Wacky Woo.

Boy, look at all
these institutions.

"Institution for the
Criminally Insane,

Institution for the
Criminally Insa--"

Oh.

"Yale University.'

"Outpatient Facility for
the Criminally Insane."

Oh.

Well, I want to say one thing.

"Earl" minus "L" is "Ear."

How much more clear could it be?

Lewis, "Clear"
minus "CL" is "Ear."

No. Now you're reaching.

Fire the guy.
What's the problem?

Well, legally, first I
gotta offer to send him

to the company shrink.

I heard she's really good.
I think she's Freudian.

How do you know?

She has a beard and
she smokes a cigar.

Drew, you gotta get
rid of this guy and fast.

No. Here's what you do.

You walk up to Earl, grab Mimi,

use her as a human shield,

and say, "Earl, you're fired."

No, there's got
to be a better way.

I don't want to grab Mimi.

Ah, what am I worried about?

I've fired people
before. I can do it again.

Besides, we learned all about
this in our termination seminar.

You just gotta be calm,
speak in a confident voice,

and never end a sentence with,

"Oh yeah, big shot? I dare you."

It says right here, Drew,

"Always try to make the
person being fired feel valuable."

[Lewis]
You know, Drew, if you want
to make a guy feel valuable.

When you break the body down

into its chemicals, it's
worth $187 and 50 cents.

Or I could just sit there
and pretend to listen

while he babbles
on like a lunatic.

Yeah. I'm talking to you, pal.

[instrumental music]

Ah-choo.

Oh, I see you
cleaned your blowhole.

Hey, I got some,
uh, paperwork on Earl

that says you're gonna fire him.

That's right.

You can'tdo that, I like him.

I like the way he looks at me,

like a lady.

He's looking at you
like a trench coat.

He wants your skin.

Really? So, he's nuts?

Uh-huh.

It's always the cute ones.

Oh, hi, Earl.

I got to go.

But please feel free to use

any of the sharp
objects on my desk.

Okay.

Hey, Drew, what'd ya want?

Well actually, there's somethin'
I need to talk to you about Earl.

Why don't you come
in and have a seat?

Wait a minute, Drew.

Your necktie isn't tied right.

Can't have an executive

walking around like that.

Now, what is it
you wanted to say?

Well...

the thing is, Earl, we're
phasing out the tie department.

Huh?

Yeah, that's right, we're
phasing out ties altogether.

Tab collars are in.
I-I blame the French.

Au revoir, mon tie.

But-but what about my job?

Oh Earl, there's lots of
other positions out there.

You know, my mom always
said, "God never closes a door

without opening a window."

My mother always said,
"Close that damn door,

"or I will throw you
out that window!"

[yells indistinctly]

You know, Earl, we
have a.. psychologist

here at Winfred-Louder.
I'd be glad to call her.

Hey.

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

Hey.

I'm not crazy.

Is that why you're firing me?

Oh, Earl,

who's to say who's crazy?

You know, except for
the nine or ten doctors

on the back of your application.

Look, I see what's
going on here.

You know, you're firing
me at the end of the day,

trying to make me feel valuable.

Oh, I almost forgot. Wait.

Earl, you're very
valuable to us.

Check.

Alright.

So, where's the security guard?

You know, they always have
one hiding somewhere nearby.

Oh well, I don't.

Oh, so I could kill
you right now and...

no one would stop me.

He's behind the post. Chuck!

Chuck, Chuck, oh, Chuck.

Alright.

Why don't you come with me Earl?

Don't touch him.

We'll pick up your
personal belongings

and walk quietly to your car.

Oh, feel free to
make a break for it.

It's been kind of a slow day.

See you later, Earl.

Oh, you will because you
got to go home sometime right?

Oh yeah, you come
to my house, pal.

You don't even
know where I live.

720 Sedgwick!

Oh, yeah? That's
where I used to live

right before I moved..

in about an hour.

[instrumental music]

Jay, honey, I've been
thinking about us.

Ooh, are we naked
and covered in daisies?

Yes.

And we're seeing
each other exclusively.

[chuckles]

Gee, look how
fast we got dressed.

Look, I don't wanna
pressure you into anything,

I know that you're
just coming out

of a difficult relationship.

So, what do you say?

Exclusive or not?

Ow! Ow! Ow!
Yes.

Hey, everybody,
we're going steady.

[indistinct cheering]

Boy, I'd hate to
see what you'd grab

for a marriage proposal.

- Aw.
- Aw.

That's so cute.

Drew, I thought you were
going straight home after work.

You're not scared
to go home, are you?

Why would I be scared?

I stopped at my house
before I came here.

Oh, so you're not worried

that Earl might be hiding in
the bushes waiting to kill you?

Oh, of course not.

Wait a minute.

Is that why you made
me wear your hat and coat

when I went inside
to get your mail.

Please. What an imagination.

Then how come you sat in the car

and kept yelling,
"Hurry up, Drew"?

I got confused.

You looked so much
like me in my hat.

Oh.

Oh.

Relax, Drew.

Earl's crazy.
He's not a stalker.

Besides, it's been three
hours since you fired him.

Most disgruntled
employees strike

within... oh, sorry.

Right about now.
Watch your back!

[chuckling]

Got you.

Yeah, you got me.

Can we stop it now alright?

I-I just want to put
this day behind me.

- Alright.
- Behind you.

Yeah, behind me.

No, behind you, it's Earl.

[yells]

[laughs]
Got you again.

Alright, everybody put
their hands on the table.

- Hey.
- Aah.

[laughing]

Okay, I'll laugh along as
if I know what the joke is.

[laughing]

Oh, my side hurts.

He fired Earl.

Oh, Earl's here.

Hey Lewis, see the joke?
Wave bye-bye to the joke.

No, Drew, he's not kidding.

Earl is sitting over there.

Oh realy? If Earl
was sitting behind me,

would I do this?

Hey, Earl, how many
finger am I holding up?

Uh, okay, nobody's laughing.

So I take it, Earl really
is sittin' behind me?

Ah, crap.

Drew, get out of here.

No way.

Drew, you don't understand.

The calls are coming
from inside the bar.

I got to go talk to him.

Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope.

There's too many people here.

I'll do this later.

[instrumental music]

Alight. The basement's clear.

Attic's empty.

There's no one
in the bathroom.

Except Mr. Bubble.

[both chuckling]

There's no one in the bedroom.

I could've called that one.

Well, alright.

Thanks for stopping by.

Everything's fine.

I-I'm cool.

Hey, man, we don't
mind stickin' around,

although we know you're
a brave guy, Bubbles.

[both chuckling]

Come on. You don't
have to stick around.

Everything's gonna be okay.

No, we want to, it'll be fun.

It'll be like a slumber party.

Or it'll be like, uh,
Slumber Party Massacre.

Somebody goes off to have sex

and gets killed.

[chuckling]

Okay, you guys can stay,

but just one night.

And no psycho killer humor.

Sure.

Ka ka ka.

Cha cha cha.

Ka ka ka.

Cha cha cha.

Ka ka ka.

Cha cha cha.

[knocking on door]
[screams]

I'll get it.

Drew, you can't
just open the door.

Yeah, there's a lunatic after you.

I ordered a pizza.

I guess the Domino's guy
forgot our secret knock.

It's Chuck from security.

What's he doing here?

Oh, I forgot, I told him
what was going on with Earl

and I asked him to stop by.

I was worried about you.

Bang! You're dead.

Very stupid move, Drew.

Let me in and close the door.

How'd you know I wasn't
behind the door with a gun?

I've already been in the
house three times, Drew.

Or should I say, "Mr. Bubble"?

You mean, you can get
in and out of my house

without me knowing it?

Well, it might have
been a bit more difficult

if the fake plastic
rock with the key in it,

wasn't sitting under
the welcome mat.

Well, it's easier
than sticking it

up the ceramic frog's
butt, let me tell you.

You know, I never had to
worry about that stuff before.

I don't want to start having
to worry about that now.

Well, you better
start now, Drew.

One out of every
eight stalking cases

is a disgruntled ex-employee.

The other seven
are unrequited love.

So, you're safe there.

Look, I appreciate
ya stopping by,

but I think we have
everything under control.

Yeah. Right.

Alright, people.

We work together, we
can get this done quickly.

Kate, close all the
blinds and the drapes.

Okay.

You, tall guy, get me some rope.

We're gonna set
up a few trip wires.

You, Jay, go shovel the walk.

Thanks, Chuck, but I don't
think I really need all this stuff.

You're not gonna die
on my watch Drew.

Curly, go find me
a tape recorder.

I don't want a call coming into
this house that's not on tape.

Curly, I like that.

Hey, what are you gonna call me?

Uh, annoying. Let's go.

We have work to do.

Hold it. Stop.

So far, I can't go to my favorite
bar without being watched,

I can't pick up my own my mail.

I can't even talk on the phone
without it being recorded.

W-what the hell's gonna take
for me to feel safe?

A 24-hour police watch.

An unlisted number.

An electronic security system.

Or you could just move.

Alright, that's it.
Thanks for everything.

But I'm not gonna spend
the rest of my life hiding

from this guy in the off
chance he might show up.

You know some people,
spend their whole lives

running from danger
but I'm not gonna do that.

[scoffs]
Drew, you have a surge protector

on your electric toothbrush.

Hey, seven out of ten
household accidents

occur in the mouth.

Are you sure you
don't want us to stay?

Yeah, look, I appreciate
everybody's concern.

But, you know, it's
time for you guys to go.

Thanks.

Take it easy, Drew.

It's all under control.
Thanks, see ya.

[all yelling]

[all chuckling]

Somebody deserves
a bubble bath tonight.

Hey, Earl! If you're out there,

I'm-I'm comin'
out with the trash!

I'm all alone!

Just me and my
tiger-wolf hybrid foamy.

[fakes growling]

Shh. Foamy, shh.

That's a cute name, "Foamy."

What, uh, what are
you doing here?

♪ 720 Sedgwick ♪

Okay, that's your first mistake.

Now, I'm gonna go upstairs,
I'm gonna get my bat,

and I'm gonna come down here
and show your second mistake

which was waiting for me
to go upstairs and get my bat.

Wait. Wait. Wait.

I'm not here for the
reason you think.

I just need to talk to you.

I came by the Warsaw tonight.

but I couldn't do it
in front of your friends.

That's what you wanted?

Yeah, I don't want
to lose my job, Drew.

If you think I should talk
to the company shrink,

then, uh, I guess
I'm willing to do it.

Really?

Yeah. That's all I wanted was,

to get her number.

So, you're not mad at me?

Nah. You were
just doing your job.

Oh, man, well, I gotta admit I
was pretty scared there for a while.

I mean, my whole life
flashed before my eyes.

and boy, I should've
never gone with that perm.

[cackles]

Listen, why don't
you wait right here?

I'll go get the
number of that shrink.

Okay..

You know, uh,

I may have misjudged you,

but, you know, you gotta admit,

you were acting kinda crazy.

[chuckles nervously]
Oh, yeah. I know.

But I-I think I'm
ready to take matters

into my own hands
and solve my problem.

Well, you-you just gotta
really be proud of yourself, Earl.

Be right back.

I-I-I'm just really glad we got to
work this thing out.

You know?

I mean, I just, I just
love happy endings.

Oh, me too, me too.

Drop it.

Now.

Hands where I can see them.

Got the number.
Oh, my God!

Chuck, put the gun down.

It's-it's okay,

I reasoned with him.

Drew, if I didn't come
back to find my beeper

he would've shot you.

Really?

Yeah.

I'll hold him here, Drew.

You go call the cops.

Well, Alright. But
before the cops get here,

I want you to think about this.

[groaning]

Hey, hey, hey, easy, Drew.

He'll get enough
of that in prison.

Ka ka ka cha cha cha.

Ka ka ka cha cha cha.

[shrieking]

Night, Mimi.

Night. Have a good weekend.

You, too.

"Dear Mimi,

"and in closing,
my darling Mimi,

"I will love you
longer than time itself.

Eternally yours,
Antonio Banderas."

"P.S. Thank you
for your picture.

I think I found Waldo."