All language subtitles for The Drew Carey Show (1995) - S01E12 - Science Names Suck (720p DVD Upscale x264 8bit AAC 2.0 DJPitaB).eng

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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:02,545 --> 00:00:04,339 Anybody see Kate? 2 00:00:04,422 --> 00:00:05,507 Nah, man, I guess she'd rather be 3 00:00:05,590 --> 00:00:08,134 with some guy she fell in love with than us. 4 00:00:08,218 --> 00:00:09,719 Yeah. Looks like we'll have to wait out the two weeks 5 00:00:09,802 --> 00:00:12,847 of euphoria and sexual exploration. 6 00:00:12,931 --> 00:00:15,475 Two weeks!? 7 00:00:15,558 --> 00:00:17,018 That's why I never fall in love, 8 00:00:17,101 --> 00:00:18,603 'cause then it would be just the two of you guys 9 00:00:18,686 --> 00:00:19,938 sitting by yourselves at the bar, 10 00:00:20,021 --> 00:00:22,857 crying in your beer, wishing you were... 11 00:00:22,941 --> 00:00:25,193 [sobbing] I'd kill the both of you right now for a woman. 12 00:00:25,276 --> 00:00:26,611 Oh! 13 00:00:26,694 --> 00:00:27,904 Now, it's not that easy, Drew. 14 00:00:27,987 --> 00:00:29,822 You'd have to kill all the men on Earth. 15 00:00:29,906 --> 00:00:33,117 You know what's weird, with, uh, with Kate gone, 16 00:00:33,201 --> 00:00:35,620 women have stopped coming by the table to chat. 17 00:00:35,703 --> 00:00:37,038 Let's face it. We need Kate. 18 00:00:37,121 --> 00:00:38,706 Everything I know about women, I learned from Kate. 19 00:00:38,790 --> 00:00:40,083 Yeah. I mean, like, who knew 20 00:00:40,166 --> 00:00:41,626 that a tight dress and spiked heels 21 00:00:41,709 --> 00:00:43,086 made a woman look cheap? 22 00:00:43,169 --> 00:00:44,671 - Not me. - Unh-unh. 23 00:00:44,754 --> 00:00:46,005 You know, she was a really good listener. 24 00:00:46,089 --> 00:00:47,715 You could talk about personal stuff and really open up to her. 25 00:00:47,799 --> 00:00:49,133 Drew, you can talk to us 26 00:00:49,217 --> 00:00:51,219 about anything. We'll listen. 27 00:00:51,302 --> 00:00:54,055 Well, I walked by my parents' old room the other day, 28 00:00:54,138 --> 00:00:57,392 and I was thinking, you know, I really miss having my mom nearby. 29 00:00:58,685 --> 00:01:01,312 Could that be because you're a girl? 30 00:01:01,396 --> 00:01:02,855 [laughs] Girlie! Boo hoo hoo. 31 00:01:02,939 --> 00:01:05,358 Mommy, I miss you! 32 00:01:05,441 --> 00:01:06,651 See, if Kate were here, 33 00:01:06,734 --> 00:01:08,987 we wouldn't have done that. 34 00:01:09,070 --> 00:01:10,405 Excuse me. Are you using your ketchup? 35 00:01:10,488 --> 00:01:11,406 No, here. 36 00:01:11,489 --> 00:01:13,116 Thanks. 37 00:01:13,199 --> 00:01:15,702 Wow. Hats off to you, pal, eating red meat after midnight? 38 00:01:15,785 --> 00:01:18,246 Makes me proud to be an American. 39 00:01:18,329 --> 00:01:21,583 Yeah, well if I don't have, like, 4,000 calories a day, I drop weight like that. 40 00:01:21,666 --> 00:01:23,251 If I don't get 4,000 calories by breakfast, 41 00:01:23,334 --> 00:01:25,503 I'd have to have a snickers bar on the way to the car. 42 00:01:27,046 --> 00:01:28,715 It's just a joke, man. 43 00:01:28,798 --> 00:01:29,841 You're Drew Carey. 44 00:01:29,924 --> 00:01:32,176 Maybe he is and maybe he isn't. 45 00:01:32,260 --> 00:01:34,429 You don't have to answer that, Drew. 46 00:01:34,512 --> 00:01:37,098 You know, the smaller glasses almost threw me, but other than that, 47 00:01:37,181 --> 00:01:38,766 you haven't changed since junior high! 48 00:01:38,850 --> 00:01:42,687 Well, the glasses are the same size, my head just got bigger. 49 00:01:42,770 --> 00:01:45,023 That's because you grew your hair out. 50 00:01:45,106 --> 00:01:47,483 Drew, ya hippie, it's me, Jay Clemens! 51 00:01:47,567 --> 00:01:48,401 Jay? 52 00:01:48,484 --> 00:01:50,820 Oh, my God. How are you doing? 53 00:01:50,903 --> 00:01:52,113 [laughing] 54 00:01:52,196 --> 00:01:53,531 Oh, you were such a good-looking kid. 55 00:01:53,615 --> 00:01:55,450 What happened? 56 00:01:55,533 --> 00:01:58,536 Yeah. Same old story. Booze, women, grease fire. 57 00:01:58,620 --> 00:01:59,537 So how you been? 58 00:01:59,621 --> 00:02:00,622 Great. 59 00:02:00,705 --> 00:02:02,498 You remember Oswald and Lewis. 60 00:02:02,582 --> 00:02:04,208 This is so wild. 61 00:02:04,292 --> 00:02:05,627 You put desks in front of you 62 00:02:05,710 --> 00:02:06,961 and books in front of those beers, 63 00:02:07,045 --> 00:02:08,796 we're back in detention. 64 00:02:08,880 --> 00:02:10,548 Pull up a chair. 65 00:02:10,631 --> 00:02:11,633 Yeah, come on. 66 00:02:13,217 --> 00:02:15,053 So, Jay, what brings you back 67 00:02:15,136 --> 00:02:16,387 to our little corner of paradise? 68 00:02:16,471 --> 00:02:17,639 Uh, I just got a divorce 69 00:02:17,722 --> 00:02:19,182 after three glorious years of marriage. 70 00:02:19,265 --> 00:02:20,391 I'm sorry. 71 00:02:20,475 --> 00:02:21,684 It's okay. They were spread out 72 00:02:21,768 --> 00:02:22,935 over 15 years of hell. 73 00:02:24,896 --> 00:02:26,773 Hey, didn't you marry Lisa Janusch? 74 00:02:26,856 --> 00:02:28,858 Oh, the prom king and queen getting married. 75 00:02:28,941 --> 00:02:31,361 You never see something like that coming, do you? 76 00:02:31,444 --> 00:02:33,237 You know, if a few more people had voted for Mary Deutsch, 77 00:02:33,321 --> 00:02:34,656 I might not be sitting here today. 78 00:02:34,739 --> 00:02:35,657 I'd be with Mary Deutsch 79 00:02:35,740 --> 00:02:37,950 and her lesbian lover in Portland. 80 00:02:39,327 --> 00:02:41,454 Hey, she's got the same haircut as you. 81 00:02:41,537 --> 00:02:42,914 [all laughing] 82 00:02:44,624 --> 00:02:46,959 So you still working at your dad's bowling alley? 83 00:02:47,043 --> 00:02:50,672 No. I own a small moving company, AAA Action Moving. 84 00:02:50,755 --> 00:02:51,839 It used to be a lot bigger, 85 00:02:51,923 --> 00:02:54,175 but my wife got half the trucks in the divorce. 86 00:02:54,258 --> 00:02:55,802 See, now I have to compete with 87 00:02:55,885 --> 00:02:58,680 AAAA Action Moving. 88 00:02:58,763 --> 00:03:00,556 So, you're going to start datin' again, huh? 89 00:03:00,640 --> 00:03:02,058 Well, I hate to be the one to break this to you, 90 00:03:02,141 --> 00:03:05,311 but, uh, success and good looks went out in the 80's. 91 00:03:05,395 --> 00:03:08,231 Yeah. This is our time now. 92 00:03:09,399 --> 00:03:11,567 Hi. Would you like to dance? 93 00:03:11,651 --> 00:03:12,902 Hi. Maybe later. 94 00:03:12,985 --> 00:03:14,237 I'm just, uh, catching up 95 00:03:14,320 --> 00:03:15,405 with some old buddies of mine 96 00:03:15,488 --> 00:03:17,740 who I haven't seen since junior high. 97 00:03:17,824 --> 00:03:20,535 Oh. Sorry, I didn't notice. 98 00:03:21,720 --> 00:03:22,720 [sighs] 99 00:03:22,745 --> 00:03:23,913 Boy, don't you hate it 100 00:03:23,996 --> 00:03:25,248 how when you're just trying to hang out with the guys, 101 00:03:25,331 --> 00:03:26,666 women just never give you a moment of peace? 102 00:03:26,749 --> 00:03:29,585 - Oh, yeah, yeah. - Yeah, yeah. 103 00:03:29,669 --> 00:03:30,770 [theme music] 104 00:03:30,795 --> 00:03:34,757 ♪ Moon over Parma, bring my love to me tonight ♪ 105 00:03:34,841 --> 00:03:38,886 ♪ Guide her to Cleveland underneath your silvery light ♪ 106 00:03:38,970 --> 00:03:40,888 ♪ We're goin' bowlin' ♪ 107 00:03:40,972 --> 00:03:42,557 ♪ So don't lose her in Solon ♪ 108 00:03:42,640 --> 00:03:45,643 ♪ Moon over Parma tonight ♪ 109 00:03:49,647 --> 00:03:51,675 [instrumental music] 110 00:03:52,859 --> 00:03:57,488 Five, six. Not another kid. That's eight! 111 00:03:57,572 --> 00:03:58,948 The guy never leaves his car. 112 00:03:59,031 --> 00:04:02,160 How the hell's he do it? 113 00:04:02,243 --> 00:04:03,578 When you went to the bathroom, Drew, 114 00:04:03,661 --> 00:04:06,372 I saw him go in the drive-in. 115 00:04:06,456 --> 00:04:09,083 You know the rules, Another kid, another sugar stick. 116 00:04:09,167 --> 00:04:10,501 Yeah. 117 00:04:12,164 --> 00:04:13,792 [sighs] 118 00:04:13,838 --> 00:04:16,007 - Go. - Go. 119 00:04:16,090 --> 00:04:18,468 [all] Go, go, go, go... 120 00:04:18,551 --> 00:04:20,595 [all] Go, go, go, go... Go, go, go... 121 00:04:20,678 --> 00:04:24,557 [all] Go, go, go... 122 00:04:24,640 --> 00:04:26,267 Whoo! 123 00:04:26,350 --> 00:04:29,604 Ohh! This was so much fun when we were kids. 124 00:04:29,687 --> 00:04:32,315 Hi, everybody. I'm back and I'm better than ever. 125 00:04:32,398 --> 00:04:33,608 [together] Hey! 126 00:04:33,691 --> 00:04:35,943 Hey, Kate. Beer's in the fridge. 127 00:04:36,027 --> 00:04:37,487 Alright! Payday! 128 00:04:37,570 --> 00:04:39,906 Obviously these slobs are never gonna introduce me. 129 00:04:39,989 --> 00:04:41,282 I'm Jay. 130 00:04:41,365 --> 00:04:43,618 Oh, gee, I'm sorry, Kate. It's Jay Clemens, 131 00:04:43,701 --> 00:04:44,702 you know, from junior high! 132 00:04:44,786 --> 00:04:46,704 No way! Jay Clemens? 133 00:04:46,788 --> 00:04:48,539 I gave you a concussion playing dodge ball! 134 00:04:48,623 --> 00:04:52,084 Yeah, I remember! Well I-I kind of remember. 135 00:04:52,168 --> 00:04:54,837 No, seriously. Kate O'Brien, 136 00:04:54,921 --> 00:04:56,547 captain of the girls' basketball team? 137 00:04:56,631 --> 00:04:58,090 "Sexy legs O'Brien"? 138 00:04:58,174 --> 00:04:59,217 Mmm, nope. 139 00:04:59,300 --> 00:05:00,802 President of the Spanish club? 140 00:05:00,885 --> 00:05:02,553 Hola. 141 00:05:02,637 --> 00:05:03,554 Boy, it's-it's not coming to me. 142 00:05:03,638 --> 00:05:05,181 Kate O'Brien? I killed 143 00:05:05,264 --> 00:05:06,140 the principal, put his head on 144 00:05:06,224 --> 00:05:07,683 a stick, and ran down the hall screaming, 145 00:05:07,767 --> 00:05:10,436 "you'll never forget me for this" Kate O'Brien? 146 00:05:10,520 --> 00:05:12,230 I thought that was Sally Thomas. 147 00:05:13,689 --> 00:05:15,817 You guys are playing Life. 148 00:05:15,900 --> 00:05:17,443 How come you didn't call me? You always call me. 149 00:05:17,527 --> 00:05:19,487 Well, you know, Jay said he'd be glad to fill in. 150 00:05:19,570 --> 00:05:21,239 We figured you were out with Ken. 151 00:05:21,322 --> 00:05:23,658 Oh, yeah. Ken and I broke up. 152 00:05:23,741 --> 00:05:24,700 Aww. 153 00:05:24,784 --> 00:05:26,327 He had to leave town 'cause of his job. 154 00:05:26,410 --> 00:05:29,330 That's the last thing you'd expect from a carnival worker. 155 00:05:29,413 --> 00:05:33,501 I'm-I'm sorry, Kate. Oh, man! 156 00:05:33,584 --> 00:05:36,921 He was going to let me pet Dog Boy for my birthday. 157 00:05:37,004 --> 00:05:38,089 Are you okay? 158 00:05:38,172 --> 00:05:40,132 Yeah, I guess. I'm gonna miss him. 159 00:05:40,216 --> 00:05:43,427 Ken was special. He wasn't like other carnival workers. 160 00:05:43,511 --> 00:05:45,096 He was a, he was a dreamer. 161 00:05:45,179 --> 00:05:47,765 He had wanderlust. 162 00:05:47,849 --> 00:05:49,517 Is she talking about Walt Whitman 163 00:05:49,600 --> 00:05:51,644 or the guy who runs the scrambler? 164 00:05:51,727 --> 00:05:53,521 Excuse me? 165 00:05:53,604 --> 00:05:55,606 Uh, take a tip from somebody who knows. 166 00:05:55,690 --> 00:05:57,066 It's best not to dwell on these things. 167 00:05:57,149 --> 00:05:59,984 Oh, pardon me, new guy, 168 00:06:00,051 --> 00:06:02,565 um, but I'm hardly dwelling. 169 00:06:02,655 --> 00:06:04,365 We broke up 10 minutes ago. 170 00:06:04,448 --> 00:06:05,950 All I'm saying is that your relationship 171 00:06:06,033 --> 00:06:07,451 obviously wasn't meant to be. 172 00:06:07,535 --> 00:06:09,203 So maybe you should just put it behind you. 173 00:06:09,287 --> 00:06:11,205 You barely know me. You-- 174 00:06:11,289 --> 00:06:13,207 You know, I'm fine. Forget it. 175 00:06:13,291 --> 00:06:15,126 I'll just watch you guys play. 176 00:06:15,209 --> 00:06:17,211 "Win Nobel Prize"? 177 00:06:17,295 --> 00:06:18,629 How the hell does a travel agent 178 00:06:18,713 --> 00:06:20,214 win the nobel prize? 179 00:06:21,966 --> 00:06:25,136 Uh, hey, you're using 180 00:06:25,219 --> 00:06:27,763 the blue car. That's usually my car. 181 00:06:27,847 --> 00:06:29,432 Do you want to play? We're all out of cars, 182 00:06:29,515 --> 00:06:31,621 but you can use one of Drew's emergency Milk Duds. 183 00:06:31,668 --> 00:06:35,605 Oh, no, no. That's okay. I-I'll just watch. 184 00:06:35,688 --> 00:06:38,065 Now that I've been watching, 185 00:06:38,149 --> 00:06:39,191 I've noticed something, too. 186 00:06:39,275 --> 00:06:41,736 You're sitting in my chair. 187 00:06:41,819 --> 00:06:44,447 I'm sorry. Did you want to sit here? 188 00:06:44,530 --> 00:06:46,407 No, no. You're fine. 189 00:06:46,490 --> 00:06:49,134 You know, it's nice to get a different point of view. 190 00:06:49,374 --> 00:06:50,727 [clears throat] 191 00:06:52,246 --> 00:06:54,749 Wh... what are you wearing? 192 00:06:54,832 --> 00:06:57,043 Are those, are those my puppy slippers? 193 00:06:57,126 --> 00:06:59,003 These are yours? 194 00:06:59,086 --> 00:07:01,422 Wow, I thought I had big feet! 195 00:07:07,136 --> 00:07:09,096 You know, I leave those here 196 00:07:09,180 --> 00:07:11,682 for the times my feet get cold and wet. 197 00:07:11,766 --> 00:07:13,267 I'm sorry, Kate. It was my fault. 198 00:07:13,351 --> 00:07:14,477 He accidentally stepped in that puddle 199 00:07:14,560 --> 00:07:16,437 you always accidentally step in. 200 00:07:18,648 --> 00:07:20,024 My puddle? 201 00:07:20,107 --> 00:07:22,360 [clears throat] Excuse me. I got to go to the bathroom. 202 00:07:22,443 --> 00:07:24,487 You don't have a special toilet 203 00:07:24,570 --> 00:07:26,113 you call your own, do you? 204 00:07:26,197 --> 00:07:28,491 Good-looking and funny. 205 00:07:28,574 --> 00:07:31,535 You don't often see that. 206 00:07:33,245 --> 00:07:34,163 Want a beer, Kate? 207 00:07:34,246 --> 00:07:35,957 No, thanks. I'm not thirsty. 208 00:07:36,040 --> 00:07:39,502 Just thought you might want to Mark your territory. 209 00:07:41,412 --> 00:07:44,212 [instrumental music] 210 00:07:45,883 --> 00:07:48,010 I wasn't doing anything, Chuck. 211 00:07:48,094 --> 00:07:49,887 Will you drop it? 212 00:07:49,971 --> 00:07:52,807 Listen. You were acting very suspicious in here, and I th-- 213 00:07:52,890 --> 00:07:54,308 Gu-huh! 214 00:07:56,560 --> 00:07:59,355 Wow. Those black-and-white security cameras 215 00:07:59,438 --> 00:08:01,649 don't do you justice. 216 00:08:02,942 --> 00:08:04,694 What's going on here? 217 00:08:04,777 --> 00:08:06,904 I caught her going through your things, Drew. 218 00:08:06,988 --> 00:08:07,989 I thought I heard a woman 219 00:08:08,072 --> 00:08:11,492 screaming for help from one of your drawers. 220 00:08:12,618 --> 00:08:13,703 Uh, thanks, Chuck. 221 00:08:13,786 --> 00:08:14,912 I think I can handle things from here. 222 00:08:14,996 --> 00:08:16,831 Give me a couple of minutes, 223 00:08:16,914 --> 00:08:20,543 and those cameras can look the other way, if you know what I mean. 224 00:08:24,463 --> 00:08:25,673 Goin' through my drawers, huh? 225 00:08:25,756 --> 00:08:28,175 Now, you'd assume that I'd go 226 00:08:28,259 --> 00:08:30,511 to the upper left-hand drawer, as I am left-handed. 227 00:08:30,594 --> 00:08:33,055 But you would know that I remember the rat trap incident 228 00:08:33,139 --> 00:08:36,267 and overcompensate by going to the lower right. 229 00:08:37,852 --> 00:08:39,729 That's why... 230 00:08:42,148 --> 00:08:44,358 Ah-ha. 231 00:08:44,442 --> 00:08:46,360 A dead fish! 232 00:08:47,987 --> 00:08:50,031 You disappoint me, Mimi. 233 00:08:50,114 --> 00:08:51,991 You can't prove it's mine. 234 00:08:52,074 --> 00:08:54,076 You're the only one that swallows 'em whole. 235 00:08:55,995 --> 00:08:58,414 You know, Mimi, this is just a cry for help. 236 00:08:58,497 --> 00:09:01,083 Your problem is you can't express your true feelings for me. 237 00:09:01,167 --> 00:09:04,045 I could if I had a bone saw and some salt. 238 00:09:04,128 --> 00:09:06,297 How about a bow and arrow? 239 00:09:06,380 --> 00:09:07,631 You know, like cupid. 240 00:09:07,715 --> 00:09:09,091 [kissing sounds] 241 00:09:09,175 --> 00:09:10,176 Uhh... 242 00:09:16,797 --> 00:09:18,797 [Mimi laughs] 243 00:09:25,900 --> 00:09:27,777 No, no. It's gonna take more than that 244 00:09:27,860 --> 00:09:29,361 to ruin my birthday week. 245 00:09:32,323 --> 00:09:34,283 [phone rings] 246 00:09:37,307 --> 00:09:39,307 [no audio] 247 00:09:43,375 --> 00:09:44,335 Hey. 248 00:09:44,418 --> 00:09:46,420 ♪ Happy birthday to me ♪ 249 00:09:46,504 --> 00:09:47,755 ♪ Happy birth... ♪ Hey, guys. 250 00:09:47,838 --> 00:09:48,798 I'll be ready in a minute. 251 00:09:48,881 --> 00:09:50,466 I was thinking maybe we could go to dinner, 252 00:09:50,549 --> 00:09:51,801 then go see the movie. 253 00:09:51,884 --> 00:09:54,804 So, where's Jay? 254 00:09:54,887 --> 00:09:56,055 Oh, one of his movers called in sick and he had to fill in. 255 00:09:56,138 --> 00:09:57,723 I don't know if he can make it. 256 00:09:57,807 --> 00:09:59,141 Oh, man. I-I hope this isn't my fault. 257 00:09:59,225 --> 00:10:00,184 He may think I don't like him. 258 00:10:00,267 --> 00:10:01,852 Hey, ladies. 259 00:10:01,936 --> 00:10:03,229 Uck. Him. 260 00:10:03,312 --> 00:10:04,772 Jay, man, how you doing? Nice to see you. 261 00:10:04,855 --> 00:10:06,982 Yeah, the old hernia started flaring up, so.. 262 00:10:07,066 --> 00:10:08,192 Hey, look at this thing. 263 00:10:08,275 --> 00:10:09,652 No. No! 264 00:10:09,735 --> 00:10:12,279 I'm kidding! The move was rescheduled. 265 00:10:12,363 --> 00:10:13,614 We don't get to see your hernia? 266 00:10:13,697 --> 00:10:15,783 That's a shame. My uncle had a hernia. 267 00:10:15,866 --> 00:10:18,410 It was huge. We used to ride it. 268 00:10:18,494 --> 00:10:21,831 Boys, there's nothing that I love more 269 00:10:21,914 --> 00:10:23,666 than a great hernia story before dinner. 270 00:10:23,749 --> 00:10:25,126 Where do you want to go? 271 00:10:25,209 --> 00:10:26,794 Why don't we go for Chinese? 272 00:10:26,877 --> 00:10:28,629 Actually, I just found the greatest Italian place. 273 00:10:28,712 --> 00:10:29,630 It's right around the corner. 274 00:10:29,713 --> 00:10:31,257 Italian, man, I'm up for that. 275 00:10:31,340 --> 00:10:34,218 Actually, Chinese makes a better pre-movie dinner. 276 00:10:34,301 --> 00:10:35,845 As anyone knows, it's not as heavy. 277 00:10:35,928 --> 00:10:37,054 Since when does that matter? 278 00:10:37,138 --> 00:10:38,889 We're not going to swim to the movie, right? 279 00:10:38,973 --> 00:10:40,141 [all laughing] 280 00:10:40,224 --> 00:10:41,684 Well, for your information, 281 00:10:41,767 --> 00:10:43,144 I always pick the restaurants. 282 00:10:43,227 --> 00:10:45,396 So tonight you're not. Come on, who wants Italian? 283 00:10:45,479 --> 00:10:46,689 Aw, come on. 284 00:10:46,772 --> 00:10:49,525 Let's just compromise and go to the food court. 285 00:10:51,277 --> 00:10:52,361 Look. 286 00:10:52,444 --> 00:10:55,156 One more corn dog, I get a free corn dog. 287 00:10:55,239 --> 00:10:58,367 No. No, no, no. He doesn't run this group now. 288 00:10:58,450 --> 00:11:00,244 I've put in 25 years with you guys. 289 00:11:00,327 --> 00:11:02,580 I rode that hernia. It's my little reward 290 00:11:02,663 --> 00:11:04,206 to pick the restaurants. 291 00:11:04,290 --> 00:11:06,000 Okay, let's just take a vote. 292 00:11:06,083 --> 00:11:07,001 Who wants Italian? 293 00:11:07,084 --> 00:11:09,295 Who wants Chinese? 294 00:11:09,378 --> 00:11:12,006 Fine. We know that you and Oswald want Italian. 295 00:11:12,089 --> 00:11:14,133 Lewis? 296 00:11:14,216 --> 00:11:16,135 Well... 297 00:11:16,218 --> 00:11:17,261 I guess I'll take Chinese. 298 00:11:17,344 --> 00:11:20,931 Drew? 299 00:11:21,015 --> 00:11:23,058 Look, the important thing is 300 00:11:23,142 --> 00:11:25,227 we're all going to eat together. Right? 301 00:11:25,311 --> 00:11:26,437 It doesn't matter where we have dinner. 302 00:11:26,520 --> 00:11:27,646 Let's just flip a coin. 303 00:11:27,730 --> 00:11:29,607 Heads, Chinese, tails, Italian. 304 00:11:30,608 --> 00:11:32,318 Ah, I got to flip this thing again. 305 00:11:32,401 --> 00:11:33,694 I had Chinese for lunch. 306 00:11:35,529 --> 00:11:37,698 What the hell's wrong with this thing? 307 00:11:37,781 --> 00:11:40,659 What kind of excuse is that, you had Chinese for lunch? 308 00:11:40,743 --> 00:11:42,161 Do you think they say that in China, 309 00:11:42,244 --> 00:11:43,579 "Oh, we just had Chinese"? 310 00:11:43,662 --> 00:11:45,247 Come on, Lewis, we're going. 311 00:11:45,331 --> 00:11:46,373 Actually, Kate, 312 00:11:46,457 --> 00:11:48,334 I'd prefer Italian. 313 00:11:48,417 --> 00:11:50,336 I was just... scared. 314 00:11:51,712 --> 00:11:54,215 Okay. It's not worth the fight. I'm sorry. 315 00:11:54,298 --> 00:11:55,507 Let's just go to Antonio's. 316 00:11:55,591 --> 00:11:57,051 Actually, I was thinking Mario's. 317 00:11:57,134 --> 00:12:00,346 [screams] What a jerk! I can't take it! 318 00:12:00,429 --> 00:12:02,806 Oh, man. 319 00:12:02,890 --> 00:12:05,059 Ah, don't worry, Drew. She'll get over it. 320 00:12:05,142 --> 00:12:08,354 No. My corn dog card just expired. 321 00:12:08,437 --> 00:12:10,481 I had 49 punches in it! 322 00:12:15,882 --> 00:12:17,882 [instrumental music] 323 00:12:19,281 --> 00:12:20,741 Hey, birthday boy. 324 00:12:20,824 --> 00:12:22,743 Hey, help me out here. What do you want for your birthday? 325 00:12:22,826 --> 00:12:24,536 I'd like one week where I get the looks 326 00:12:24,620 --> 00:12:27,456 and you're the big jolly guy with the overflowing personality. 327 00:12:27,539 --> 00:12:29,500 Hey, how about a membership at a gym? 328 00:12:29,583 --> 00:12:33,254 Hey, that'd go good with the giant speedos I'm buying you. 329 00:12:33,337 --> 00:12:36,173 I got a beer for Kate just in case she shows up. 330 00:12:36,257 --> 00:12:37,216 Hey, you might as well drink it now. 331 00:12:37,299 --> 00:12:38,801 She's never coming anywhere near us again. 332 00:12:38,884 --> 00:12:40,469 I can't even get her at her house. 333 00:12:40,552 --> 00:12:41,804 Can you believe she called me 334 00:12:41,887 --> 00:12:43,472 and said she wasn't coming to my birthday party. 335 00:12:43,555 --> 00:12:45,182 Well, I feel a little bit responsible. 336 00:12:45,266 --> 00:12:47,810 I mean, it's just like we naturally push each other's buttons. 337 00:12:47,893 --> 00:12:49,353 [Drew] Everybody's like that a little bit with Kate. 338 00:12:49,436 --> 00:12:50,604 You just got to understand her. 339 00:12:50,688 --> 00:12:51,939 Sometimes she likes to fake with her right 340 00:12:52,022 --> 00:12:53,691 before she makes her point with her left. 341 00:12:53,774 --> 00:12:55,025 You mean figuratively? 342 00:12:55,109 --> 00:12:57,152 Yeah. Figuratively. 343 00:12:57,236 --> 00:12:58,862 Hey. 344 00:12:58,946 --> 00:12:59,947 Hey, Kate. Hi. 345 00:13:00,030 --> 00:13:01,532 Hey, Kate. How you doing? 346 00:13:01,615 --> 00:13:02,616 What's up? 347 00:13:02,700 --> 00:13:03,617 Hi. 348 00:13:03,701 --> 00:13:05,452 I-I'm Kate from the store. 349 00:13:05,536 --> 00:13:08,080 You work in the warehouse, don't you? 350 00:13:08,163 --> 00:13:10,666 No. We're in lingerie. 351 00:13:10,749 --> 00:13:13,460 [all laughing] 352 00:13:13,544 --> 00:13:14,795 Mind if I sit down? 353 00:13:14,878 --> 00:13:16,338 You sure you work at the store? 354 00:13:16,422 --> 00:13:17,214 Yeah. You know, 355 00:13:17,298 --> 00:13:18,674 Kate O'Brien, cosmetics. 356 00:13:18,757 --> 00:13:19,633 Doesn't ring a bell. 357 00:13:19,717 --> 00:13:22,261 Why doesn't anyone remember me? 358 00:13:22,344 --> 00:13:24,930 Oh, yeah. You're the whiner. 359 00:13:26,765 --> 00:13:28,350 Hey, ladies. Kate. 360 00:13:29,935 --> 00:13:30,936 Can I talk to you for a minute? 361 00:13:31,020 --> 00:13:32,980 No, I'm here with my friends. 362 00:13:33,063 --> 00:13:34,094 This is, uh.. 363 00:13:34,118 --> 00:13:35,999 and y-you know, um.. 364 00:13:36,024 --> 00:13:38,485 the-the, uh, the, uh, girls. 365 00:13:38,569 --> 00:13:40,488 Come on. It's real important. 366 00:13:42,404 --> 00:13:43,404 [sighs] 367 00:13:45,075 --> 00:13:45,993 You know, uh... 368 00:13:46,076 --> 00:13:48,329 I've been trying to call you. 369 00:13:48,412 --> 00:13:49,872 I even went to your house. 370 00:13:49,955 --> 00:13:52,583 I know you and Jay aren't getting along, 371 00:13:52,666 --> 00:13:55,002 but it's my calls you're not returning. 372 00:13:55,085 --> 00:13:57,171 I really miss you, 373 00:13:57,254 --> 00:14:00,114 and I would love it if you would come to my birthday party. 374 00:14:00,307 --> 00:14:02,051 - You're having a birthday party? - Yeah. 375 00:14:02,134 --> 00:14:03,969 Hey, we love to party! 376 00:14:04,053 --> 00:14:05,137 Yeah, I'll Bet you do. 377 00:14:05,220 --> 00:14:07,056 We love birthdays. 378 00:14:07,139 --> 00:14:08,557 Yeah, listen, if you'd like to come, 379 00:14:08,640 --> 00:14:09,558 I'd love to invite you, 380 00:14:09,641 --> 00:14:10,893 even though my house is real small 381 00:14:10,976 --> 00:14:14,146 and, you know, we're eating real light. 382 00:14:14,229 --> 00:14:16,940 I'm not going if Jay's going to be there. 383 00:14:17,024 --> 00:14:18,442 Come on. He's a nice guy. 384 00:14:18,525 --> 00:14:21,528 Fine. I'm sure he is, and I'm glad you like him. 385 00:14:21,612 --> 00:14:23,489 It's just that I feel uncomfortable around him, 386 00:14:23,572 --> 00:14:24,782 and I don't want to ruin your party. 387 00:14:24,865 --> 00:14:26,742 Oh, you won't ruin my party. 388 00:14:26,825 --> 00:14:29,745 Oh, yes, I will. 389 00:14:31,747 --> 00:14:34,291 Well, there goes another gift. 390 00:14:36,460 --> 00:14:37,575 Hey, uh, do you guys mind? 391 00:14:37,600 --> 00:14:38,921 I need to talk to Jay alone for a second. 392 00:14:39,004 --> 00:14:40,089 Oh, okay. 393 00:14:44,301 --> 00:14:45,427 What's up, buddy? 394 00:14:45,511 --> 00:14:47,304 Listen, Jay, I have kind of a problem. 395 00:14:47,388 --> 00:14:48,764 Let me guess. 396 00:14:48,847 --> 00:14:50,474 Kate doesn't want me at the party. 397 00:14:50,557 --> 00:14:51,475 Wow. 398 00:14:51,558 --> 00:14:54,311 Okay, I'm thinking of a color. 399 00:14:55,521 --> 00:14:57,231 Look, I know what's going on here. 400 00:14:57,314 --> 00:14:58,524 It's cool. I won't go. 401 00:14:58,607 --> 00:15:01,902 Thanks. Kate's just in a weird place right now. 402 00:15:01,985 --> 00:15:03,987 That carnival guy, she thought he was Mr. Right 403 00:15:04,071 --> 00:15:05,781 ever since he guessed her weight. 404 00:15:05,864 --> 00:15:08,409 Whatever, man. Have a good time. 405 00:15:08,492 --> 00:15:09,410 You know, it is my birthday. 406 00:15:09,493 --> 00:15:10,828 You could try to fight it a little bit. 407 00:15:10,911 --> 00:15:13,080 Okay. 408 00:15:13,163 --> 00:15:14,998 Can I please come to your party? 409 00:15:15,082 --> 00:15:16,959 Oh, don't embarrass yourself, man. 410 00:15:17,042 --> 00:15:19,336 Have fun. 411 00:15:21,255 --> 00:15:23,966 Boy, I can't believe I have to pick between two friends. 412 00:15:24,049 --> 00:15:26,093 Hey, he was the one who broke your lava lamp 413 00:15:26,176 --> 00:15:27,386 and blamed it on the wind. 414 00:15:27,469 --> 00:15:28,470 Hey, he took your beer and said 415 00:15:28,554 --> 00:15:29,972 they forgot to put it in the grocery bag. 416 00:15:30,055 --> 00:15:31,223 I did not. I did not. You're the one... 417 00:15:31,306 --> 00:15:33,434 [both arguing at once] 418 00:15:33,517 --> 00:15:35,853 I'm not talking about you guys. 419 00:15:35,936 --> 00:15:38,313 [both] Oh. 420 00:15:39,731 --> 00:15:41,692 Hi there. 421 00:15:41,775 --> 00:15:44,361 You guys going to be at Drew's party? 422 00:15:44,445 --> 00:15:46,738 Uh... I'm in a relationship. 423 00:15:48,365 --> 00:15:50,951 'Cause if you're there, we're there. 424 00:15:51,034 --> 00:15:52,661 We want to party with you. 425 00:15:52,744 --> 00:15:56,999 You bring me some of that party, girl. 426 00:15:58,500 --> 00:15:59,960 I'm in a relationship. 427 00:16:01,196 --> 00:16:04,196 [instrumental music] 428 00:16:05,257 --> 00:16:07,634 I made a dirty cake. 429 00:16:07,718 --> 00:16:09,803 What's that supposed to be? 430 00:16:09,887 --> 00:16:11,221 Isn't that the-- 431 00:16:11,305 --> 00:16:12,556 No. 432 00:16:12,639 --> 00:16:14,391 Isn't that where that goes? 433 00:16:14,475 --> 00:16:16,018 No. 434 00:16:18,187 --> 00:16:21,440 Well, then, it's a man with a pointy hat. 435 00:16:22,900 --> 00:16:27,154 ♪ Happy birthday to you ♪ 436 00:16:27,237 --> 00:16:31,074 ♪ Happy birthday to you ♪ 437 00:16:31,158 --> 00:16:33,160 ♪ Happy birthday ♪ 438 00:16:33,243 --> 00:16:35,704 ♪ Dear Drew ♪ 439 00:16:35,787 --> 00:16:38,624 ♪ Happy birthday ♪ 440 00:16:38,707 --> 00:16:41,210 ♪ To you ♪ 441 00:16:41,293 --> 00:16:43,837 [whistling and cheering] 442 00:16:43,921 --> 00:16:46,089 [whispering] 443 00:16:47,799 --> 00:16:50,010 [cheering] 444 00:16:50,093 --> 00:16:51,053 Happy birthday, Drew. 445 00:16:51,136 --> 00:16:53,222 I'm glad I'm here to share it with you. 446 00:16:53,305 --> 00:16:54,973 Is this me with the pointy hat? 447 00:16:55,057 --> 00:16:56,642 Uh-huh. 448 00:16:56,725 --> 00:16:58,602 And now, part of the evening 449 00:16:58,685 --> 00:17:00,062 you've all been waiting for. 450 00:17:00,145 --> 00:17:01,688 Drumroll, please. 451 00:17:01,772 --> 00:17:04,691 Drew Carey, this is your life. 452 00:17:04,775 --> 00:17:07,152 Oh. I hope I get to go to the prom this time. 453 00:17:09,071 --> 00:17:10,864 Okay, Drew Carey, 454 00:17:10,948 --> 00:17:13,283 do you remember, this voice? 455 00:17:15,327 --> 00:17:16,411 What voice? 456 00:17:17,496 --> 00:17:19,206 This voice? 457 00:17:19,289 --> 00:17:20,207 It's you. 458 00:17:20,290 --> 00:17:21,416 Okay. 459 00:17:21,500 --> 00:17:23,627 How about this voice? 460 00:17:23,710 --> 00:17:25,921 [Oswald doing imitation] Drew, if you tell anyone about this, ever, 461 00:17:26,004 --> 00:17:27,130 I'll kill you! 462 00:17:27,214 --> 00:17:28,924 Uncle Bob! 463 00:17:30,092 --> 00:17:32,761 Get out here, Oswald. 464 00:17:34,471 --> 00:17:35,639 Okay, you got that one. 465 00:17:35,722 --> 00:17:38,642 But you're not going to get this one. 466 00:17:40,978 --> 00:17:42,771 [man] I've played in three world series, 467 00:17:42,854 --> 00:17:46,066 I've got over 3,000 hits and 450 home runs, 468 00:17:46,149 --> 00:17:49,194 seven gold gloves, 12 all-star games, 469 00:17:49,278 --> 00:17:52,864 and been drafted in three professional sports. 470 00:17:52,948 --> 00:17:55,909 That's pretty good. It sounds just like Dave Winfield. 471 00:17:56,695 --> 00:17:59,195 [all cheering] 472 00:18:00,163 --> 00:18:02,249 Holy cow! 473 00:18:02,332 --> 00:18:04,167 Dave Winfield! 474 00:18:04,251 --> 00:18:06,587 You must be Drew Carey. 475 00:18:06,670 --> 00:18:08,630 Wow! 476 00:18:08,714 --> 00:18:09,756 Wow! 477 00:18:09,840 --> 00:18:11,800 Wait, wait. I thought you two knew each other. 478 00:18:11,883 --> 00:18:13,385 What are you talking about? 479 00:18:13,468 --> 00:18:16,013 Well, you know what he eats, you know his favorite color. 480 00:18:16,096 --> 00:18:17,764 You know what he looks for in a woman. 481 00:18:17,848 --> 00:18:19,266 I thought you guys went to school together or something. 482 00:18:19,349 --> 00:18:21,560 No, I'm just a big fan. 483 00:18:21,643 --> 00:18:22,936 Then why are you here? 484 00:18:23,020 --> 00:18:25,647 You said there was a 12-foot sub sandwich here. 485 00:18:25,731 --> 00:18:27,858 Oh! 486 00:18:27,941 --> 00:18:29,985 Hey, you want to go up to my room 487 00:18:30,068 --> 00:18:31,612 and see my sports trophies? 488 00:18:31,695 --> 00:18:33,280 Would I? Let's go. 489 00:18:33,363 --> 00:18:34,615 Wait, wait, wait, 490 00:18:34,698 --> 00:18:37,951 wait, wait. There's one more voice. 491 00:18:38,035 --> 00:18:40,162 [Jay] Drew, I was sitting home alone thinking, this is stupid. 492 00:18:40,245 --> 00:18:41,788 My friend's having a birthday, 493 00:18:41,872 --> 00:18:43,999 and what's the harm if I came over, 494 00:18:44,082 --> 00:18:45,584 gave him his present, and left? 495 00:18:45,667 --> 00:18:47,669 And, Kate, put the cake knife down. I'll only be a minute. 496 00:18:47,753 --> 00:18:49,755 Nice try, Jay. 497 00:18:49,838 --> 00:18:51,923 But you had to deliver the present tonight? 498 00:18:52,007 --> 00:18:53,133 It's perishable. 499 00:18:53,216 --> 00:18:54,259 What is it? 500 00:18:54,343 --> 00:18:55,302 A Fudgsicle. 501 00:18:55,385 --> 00:18:59,473 Fudgsicle. I like anything on a stick. 502 00:18:59,556 --> 00:19:02,142 Okay. Okay. Now go home. 503 00:19:02,225 --> 00:19:04,645 Come on, Kate. Be a sport. 504 00:19:04,728 --> 00:19:06,188 Let him stay till the beer runs out. 505 00:19:06,271 --> 00:19:09,566 Hey, Drew, can I, uh, drink directly from the tap? 506 00:19:13,236 --> 00:19:14,363 On second thought, 507 00:19:14,446 --> 00:19:16,490 let him stay till the cake runs out. 508 00:19:16,573 --> 00:19:18,241 Got any more cake? 509 00:19:20,035 --> 00:19:21,662 Come on. Just let him stay for an hour. 510 00:19:21,745 --> 00:19:23,497 Fine. We could use a piñata. 511 00:19:23,580 --> 00:19:25,832 Hey, I'm not the one who's full of crap. 512 00:19:25,916 --> 00:19:28,919 Okay, that's it. Girlfriends? 513 00:19:29,002 --> 00:19:30,921 Do you see this guy? 514 00:19:31,004 --> 00:19:32,422 He said you may look strong, 515 00:19:32,506 --> 00:19:34,424 but you couldn't lift diddly over your heads. 516 00:19:36,051 --> 00:19:37,010 Come here, diddly. 517 00:19:37,094 --> 00:19:39,262 [laughing] 518 00:19:39,346 --> 00:19:41,223 Alright. That's it. 519 00:19:41,306 --> 00:19:43,266 You two act like a couple of third-graders. 520 00:19:43,350 --> 00:19:46,186 There is no reason you couldn't get along. 521 00:19:46,269 --> 00:19:47,479 Now, I want you to get your butts in that kitchen 522 00:19:47,562 --> 00:19:49,022 and don't come out till you work these things out. 523 00:19:49,106 --> 00:19:51,400 Remember. No gouging, no hittin' below the belt, no hair-pulling, 524 00:19:51,483 --> 00:19:53,694 and, Jay, hope you're wearing a cup. 525 00:19:55,445 --> 00:19:56,905 Well, now look what you did? 526 00:19:56,988 --> 00:19:58,198 Not only did you ruin the party, 527 00:19:58,281 --> 00:20:00,158 but you made a spectacle of both of us. 528 00:20:00,242 --> 00:20:02,661 Look. We got off on the wrong foot here. 529 00:20:02,744 --> 00:20:04,871 Just because I used your stupid car in that stupid game 530 00:20:04,955 --> 00:20:06,373 doesn't mean I'm trying to replace you. 531 00:20:06,456 --> 00:20:09,584 Ooh, replace me. Ooh, my deepest fear. 532 00:20:09,668 --> 00:20:11,169 You really see into my soul. 533 00:20:11,253 --> 00:20:13,547 You know what? You are the bossiest, most self-centered woman 534 00:20:13,630 --> 00:20:15,465 I haven't divorced yet! 535 00:20:15,549 --> 00:20:17,300 Oh, I'm self-centered? 536 00:20:17,384 --> 00:20:19,386 You talking about how good-looking you are, 537 00:20:19,469 --> 00:20:20,804 how charming you are, 538 00:20:20,887 --> 00:20:22,848 how much i'm attracted to you. 539 00:20:22,931 --> 00:20:24,266 You, you, you! 540 00:20:24,349 --> 00:20:26,268 I never said you were attracted to me. 541 00:20:26,351 --> 00:20:27,769 Uh.. 542 00:20:27,853 --> 00:20:31,106 But don't pretend like you don't think I'm not! 543 00:20:33,289 --> 00:20:34,289 [sighs] 544 00:20:36,862 --> 00:20:39,448 It's a... little too quiet in there. 545 00:20:39,531 --> 00:20:42,492 She must have gone for the voice box first. 546 00:20:42,576 --> 00:20:44,619 Hi. 547 00:20:44,703 --> 00:20:46,580 I just got engaged. 548 00:20:48,915 --> 00:20:50,333 You want to dance? 549 00:20:50,417 --> 00:20:51,752 Well, uh, you know, I-- 550 00:20:51,835 --> 00:20:55,213 Did my voice go up? 'Cause that wasn't a question. 551 00:20:55,297 --> 00:20:56,548 Uh, hold that thought. 552 00:20:56,631 --> 00:20:57,924 Er, don't hold on to that. 553 00:20:58,008 --> 00:20:59,301 On second thought, hold that, 554 00:20:59,384 --> 00:21:02,512 and let me go check on something that's going on in here. 555 00:21:02,596 --> 00:21:03,680 Kate! 556 00:21:03,764 --> 00:21:04,681 Ah! Oh! 557 00:21:04,765 --> 00:21:05,849 Jay! 558 00:21:05,932 --> 00:21:09,060 That bastard hit me in the mouth with his-with his face. 559 00:21:10,604 --> 00:21:12,189 Twice. 560 00:21:13,732 --> 00:21:17,736 So, uh, I take it you two have decided to become friends? 561 00:21:17,819 --> 00:21:20,322 No, I think they've been kissing. 562 00:21:21,907 --> 00:21:23,658 [Drew] So let me get this straight. 563 00:21:23,742 --> 00:21:24,951 One minute you're mortal enemies, 564 00:21:25,035 --> 00:21:27,704 and then the next minute, you're just making out? 565 00:21:29,790 --> 00:21:33,168 Excuse me. I got to go pick a fight with the big blonde. 566 00:21:37,339 --> 00:21:39,132 Uh, you know, Jay, now that you're dating Kate, 567 00:21:39,216 --> 00:21:41,927 a little bit of advice, uh, she likes to win. 568 00:21:42,010 --> 00:21:44,095 Yeah, I found that out after our first date. 569 00:21:45,764 --> 00:21:47,349 And then she tripped me. 570 00:21:47,432 --> 00:21:50,977 Can I help it if I have big feet? 571 00:21:51,061 --> 00:21:52,938 And if you ever criticize her, 572 00:21:53,021 --> 00:21:57,067 she'll remind you of it again and again and again... 573 00:21:57,150 --> 00:21:59,444 So, is there anything else I should know about my little Kate? 574 00:21:59,528 --> 00:22:01,988 Well, when she says stop tickling, stop tickling. 575 00:22:02,072 --> 00:22:03,532 'Cause she'll pee her pants. 576 00:22:05,575 --> 00:22:07,953 Once. And I was only 24. 577 00:22:08,036 --> 00:22:11,206 Oh, and if you ever take her to an all-you-can-eat place, 578 00:22:11,289 --> 00:22:13,917 don't, 'cause she doesn't eat for like two days before. 579 00:22:14,000 --> 00:22:15,460 Alright. Alright. That'll do. 580 00:22:15,544 --> 00:22:17,087 Oh, yeah. I got one. Wait. 581 00:22:17,170 --> 00:22:19,756 Sometimes it gets so cold, her nose starts to run. 582 00:22:19,840 --> 00:22:21,216 She can't feel it-- 583 00:22:21,299 --> 00:22:22,801 Okay, that's it! Not one more word! 584 00:22:22,884 --> 00:22:24,261 Come on. We have pictures. 585 00:22:24,344 --> 00:22:25,762 - Alright. - No! 38867

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