All language subtitles for The Drew Carey Show (1995) - S01E10 - Drew and Mr. Bells Nephew (720p DVD Upscale x264 8bit AAC 2.0 DJPitaB).eng

Can we have
another round, please?

You got it.

Oh, hey, are you
guys driving tonight?

Don't worry about us.
We're taking the bus.

We're totally against
drinking and driving.

That may not be "cool,"
but that's what we believe in.

Actually, I'm just
looking for a ride home.

Hey, are you guys
driving tonight?

You know, tonight's the
night. I'm gonna ask her out.

Hey, I was gonna ask her out.

Oh, man.

I'm so tired of you guys talking
about it, then chickening out.

By the time either of
you get around to it,

she's going to be a
gray-haired, chain-smoking,

alcoholic barmaid.

Hey, by then, maybe I'll
want to go out with her.

Oh, what the heck.
I got nothing to lose.

Uh, excuse me.

I'll have the beers
in just a second.

No. Please.

Look, uh... Oswald and I
here both wanna ask you out,

but, you know, we're buddies

and it's kinda awkward, so,

we're leaving it up to you.

Well, I-I don't know. I mean..

If I were gonna go for looks
or someone more my type,

I'd go for Oswald.

Yes!

But if I was gonna go for
someone more stable who tips,

I'd go for Drew.

I knew a 12 1/2% gratuity
wouldn't go unnoticed.

So, I guess the only thing to do

is go out with both of you once,

get to know you,
see who I like better.

Wait a minute.

You want us to compete
against each other,

me and my best friend in
the whole world, Oswald?

What are you, gonna compare
us like two pieces of meat?

Well, homie don't
play that game.

Yeah.

No woman, I don't care
how good-looking you are,

is gonna drive a wedge
between me and my best pal here.

Homo don't play
that game either.

- Homie.
- Homie.

I thought that
didn't sound right.

Look, forget it. You asked me.

Can you believe that? The nerve.

Yeah. Trying to pit
us against each other.

Wait a second. Did she say
she'd actually go out with us?

Oh, my God!

[theme song]

♪ Moon over Parma, bring
my love to me tonight ♪

♪ Guide her to Cleveland
underneath your silvery light ♪

♪ We're goin' bowlin' ♪

♪ So don't lose her in Solon ♪

♪ Moon over Parma tonight ♪

[instrumental music]

Oh, Drew, Drew!

You won't believe this.

Remember that kid
we went to school with,

"Bubble-Butt Wilson"?

Uh-huh.

He just sold his microchip
company for $17.5 million.

Tsk, yeah, but he's got to pay,
like, $9 million in taxes on that.

That's not very smart.

Hey, look, I found a nickel.

Uncle Sam doesn't
have to know about this.

[telephone ringing]

Yes, Mr. Bell?

[Mr. Bell]
Carey, is my nephew there?

I'm not sure.

What's he wearing?

[Mr. Bell]
Well, he should be there soon.

His name's Blaine Bell.

He just got his business
degree from Kent state.

Oh, business skills
must run in the family, sir.

[Mr. Bell]
Uh-huh. The jury's
still out on Blaine.

The boy's been kind of
a problem for the family,

and I need your help.

Well, I was kind of hoping
to raise my own kids first.

[Mr. Bell]
No, not that. I want
to give him your job.

Oh, I see. In that case,

there's a few things
I've been meaning to--

[Mr. Bell]
And I'm giving you a promotion.

For a middle-aged man,
you look good in jeans.

[Mr. Bell]
Now, Carey, this kid needs
a good kick in the pants.

This isn't a freebie.

He's got to be
able to do the job.

Not like my grandma
Lilly in the boiler room.

I want you to teach him
everything you know.

Don't let me down.

You want me to be
happy, don't you, Carey?

Not just happy, sir,
but hap-hap-happy.

[dial tone]

Wow! I'm gonna get a promotion

in less years than it
took me to finish college.

Seven must be my lucky number.

Hi, uh, I'm Blaine Bell,
the, uh, boss's nephew.

But I want you to
treat me the same way

that you would treat any
other.. Boss's nephew.

Hi. Uh, I'm Kate
O'Brien, cosmetics.

And you're what, 20?

21. Why?

Oh, just doing the math.

Hi. Hi, Blaine, Drew Carey.

Your uncle's told me
great things about you.

Yeah, right.

No, really. He thinks
you have a lot of potential.

Otherwise he wouldn't
have threatened me.

Look, I'm sorry. I really appreciate
what you're supposed to do for me,

but, uh, isn't there, like,
a pamphlet I can read

or a video I can watch?

Blaine, you can't learn
this job by watching a video.

Look, my uncle told me that
all I'd have to do was come in,

hang around for a few hours,

smile for the execs, flash my
business degree, and I'm in.

Well, I don't know
what he told you,

but he told me to
get you into shape,

because you are going to be the
new assistant director of personnel.

Wow! Assistant director of
personnel right out of college?

- Mm-hmm.
- Cool.

How long did it take you?

Anyway, kid, it's
not gonna be easy.

You're gonna have to use everything
you learned in business school.

Well, the only thing I learned in
business school was how to cheat at golf,

But, uh, oh, and how to suck up.

Ask me how you look today.

[telephone ringing]

Okay. How do I look today?

It's like standing too
close to the sun, sir.

Wow!

A Bell that sucks up to me.

I know it's phony, but,
you know, it feels so good.

Well, speaking of feeling good,
how are we going to get anything done

with this distraction
in the office?

[chuckles]
Oh, my!

Well, um, I'd better
get back to my counter

by the escalator.
Oh, um, see ya.

She's cute.

Is she seeing anyone?

Lesson number one. If you
expect to join management,

you can't be dating
the employees.

I've dipped my doughnut
in the company coffee

and, believe me, it hurt.

Here's your tea, Master Blaine.

Thank you, Mimi.

Hey, listen, can you get
my car washed this morning?

Oh, of course. I'll do
it myself if you want.

I do want.

Demon spawn.

You know, I don't know why
Uncle Gerald puts up with her.

She's rude and angry
and that makeup,

or whatever it is,
is quite distracting.

You know, it used to bother me,

but now I have this fantasy

that her real face is
rotting underneath it.

You're right. That helps.

Ugh! This-this tastes
like there's spit in it.

Just spit?

Well, she must like you.

[instrumental music]

Uh, Blaine, in the future,

as a courtesy to our customers,

please don't press every button
when you get off the elevator.

Sorry. Force of habit.

Look, you got to quit
pulling stunts like this.

If you want to be an effective
assistant director of personnel,

you have to have the
respect of your coworkers.

Hey, look alive there.

Stuff it.

You're fired.

You're funny-looking.

I'm a mirror.

You're stupid, too.

Still a mirror.

Pinhead.

[both chuckling]

[Lisa laughing]

She called me pinhead.

Never called me pinhead before.

So, is this going to
be one of those days

that goes till, like, 5:00?

Yeah, and hold on to your shorts

'cause there's gonna
be, like, five in a row.

So let's go over those
healthcare forms.

I can't. I-I have a treatment
for my tennis elbow.

Look, I got a note
from my aromatherapist.

Aw, man, Blaine.

You need to do the
healthcare forms.

We got people waiting for
their benefits. You know?

People with kids. Kids with
important medical problems.

Okay, I'll do it,

but, you know, no one ever
went to their grave saying,

"I wish I would have spent
a little more time at work."

No. They went to
their grave saying,

"Gee, I wish somebody would
have sent me my healthcare forms."

Alright. I'll do it Drew, but if
my serve's off, it's your fault.

Your double fault.

[both chuckling]

[slaps]

Hi, Kate.

Hey, Drew.

The man's killing
me. What's wrong?

Can you imagine him as the
assistant director of personnel?

People'd be comin'
in from 9:00 till noon,

takin' cappuccino
breaks every hour,

playin' tennis on the roof.

You think he'd let us pay
for things with bananas?

Laugh all you want Kate,

but the work ethic is just
about gone in this country.

No. It is not.

It lives right here in the
body of Kate O'Brien.

I just sold something that's
never been sold before.

Do you know that giant M'appelle
bottle filled with colored water?

Uh-huh. I got $150 for it.

Colored water, huh?

Yeah.

You know, I always wondered
what was in those bottles,

'cause it always struck me odd

that they would
retail for, like, $2,000!

No. No perfume. Colored water.

- Yes!
- No!

Yes! You can't just
go selling something

'cause it's not bolted down.

You could lose your job over this.

No! What am I gonna do?

What happened?

Look, uh, this isn't
for anyone's ears

but Kate accidentally sold
a giant bottle of perfume

for way less than it was worth.

So, we are going
to cover for her,

and she's gonna pay back a
little to the register every week.

Oh, crap. I gave
her a tote bag, too!

[instrumental music]

[Drew]
So, Chuck, you seem to be
qualified for the promotion,

and well, we , uh,
do have an opening.

Unfortunately, one
of our best guards

let somebody walk
off with one of those

25-pound bottles
of, uh, perfume.

I thought those were
just colored water.

Yeah, well, anyway,
we had to transfer him.

Hmm. Any, uh, leads on the perp?

Look, uh, you got good
instincts. You got the job.

Hey, great.

Hey, you won't regret this.

And I'll find that
perfume thief.

Yeah, well our only clue
was he was a one-armed man.

See you Monday, buddy.

Oh, Drew.

Oh, Mimi.

I thought I felt death nearby.

Real nice, Drew.
My mother just died.

Oh. I'm sorry. I didn't know.

Just kidding. I wish.

[laughs]

So... I hear
something got stolen

from your special little
friend's department.

Yeah, someone took one of
those giant perfume bottles.

[sniffs]

Scope or Wild Turkey?

Either way, it wasn't you.

At least I don't sell $2,000
worth of perfume for $150.

What? Who told you that?

I overheard Blaine telling
Bell on a phone conversation

all about it.

He wouldn't stab me in the back.

It would aggravate
his tennis elbow.

Oh, yeah? He said, "Fire
Drew. He's protecting a thief."

Oh, man!

Did he say anything else?

Yeah. He said, "While
you're cleaning house,

fire that hot blonde that
sits outside your office."

That may not be an exact quote.

I can't believe this.

Bell asks me to do
him a favor, I do it,

and now I'm screwed.

You?

I gave his dog a
birthday party for nothing.

Listen, Luthor.

You're an evil criminal genius,

and I'm a superhero
from Krypton.

But just this once, we have to
work together for a greater cause.

I don't know.

Mimi, next time you gas my car,

can you kindly return the
seat to the original position?

Thanks, babe.

You know, separately
we're nothing.

But together, we're
800 pounds of trouble.

Alright. I'm in for 120.

[instrumental music]

Let's see. Let's see...
Ah. Soup for one.

[knocking on door]

Coming!

Mimi!

May I come in?

What's goin' on? I thought we were
going to talk about this Blaine thing

tomorrow morning over coffee.

I couldn't wait.

Do you know what the
little snot did to me tonight?

He had me wait for three
hours in line to buy him tickets

to the Gangsta' Rapathon.

So, I take it you're
not down with O.P.P.?

Here, let me take your coat.

Just keep your hands off, piggy.

I don't go to men's
houses alone, as a rule,

so don't try any
of that cutesy stuff

like turning the
lights out or anything.

Mimi, I wouldn't
turn the lights out

if we were in London
during The Blitz.

[knocking on door]

Hey, Drew... and Mimi.

Well, we came by to see if
you wanted to go out drinking,

but obviously you
both have already been.

Knock it off.

You know, now that I see
you two out of the office,

- it seems so right.
- Hmm.

Can it, you two. I'm
here on business.

Yeah, we're tryin' to come up with a
plan to get rid of Mr. Bell's nephew.

Why would you try
to get rid of Blaine?

He's so cute.

He's trying to get me fired,

because he thinks that's the
only way he can get my job.

That's ridiculous.

He's so cute.

I heard him on the phone

telling Bell about how you
cost the company $2,000

and then lied to
cover your butt.

That cute bastard!

We'll be at the Warsaw.

Where are all the
honest attractive people?

I feel so all alone.

How do you think I feel?

Honest, attractive, and clean.

So, uh, you want anything
to eat before we get started?

What do you got?

Let's see. I got
beer, beer mustard,

beer bread, beer nuts,
beer-breaded shrimp.

And Ben and Jerry's
Chunky Monkey.

Chunky Monkey's my favorite.

You know, there's really
no monkeys in here.

Damn animal rights activists.

Your house is pretty neat.
I mean, for a bachelor.

Yeah, I like it this way.

It's one of the best
things about living alone.

That, and you know all that
stuff that gets caught in the drain?

It's yours.

Yeah. I like being single.

I mean, I could go out
with all kinds of guys,

but I enjoy my privacy.

I'm sure they
appreciate it, too.

Ah, you know,

until we find a plan
for gettin' rid of Blaine,

we're gonna have to get
together every single night.

Oh, God, we'd
better get to work.

Okay. I got a plan.

What if we put a trace amount
of poison in his coffee every day

till it builds up and
finally kills him?

Does that work?

I don't know. Ask
me in two months.

[both chuckle]

You know, uh..you
ought to smile more.

It really makes a difference.

Really? You think so?

Yeah.

And you know, uh,
I'm no expert, but,

I think a lot of guys

prefer more of a, you know,
a little more of a natural look.

I think it's okay to
help nature a little.

I mean, it's a lot of work,

but I care about my appearance.

I think of makeup as my palette

and my face as my canvas.

You know, it's a good
thing we're friends right now.

Now, all we got to do,

is get Blaine to do
something wrong.

Alright. I got one last plan.

It still involves
murder-- not his.

First, we need a dead hooker.

Oh, uh, why don't you
take this interview, Blaine?

It'll be good practice
for when you get the job.

Oh, alright.

Whoo! Uh, how long did you
work at Sears, Mr. Vermiselli?

Uh, Vermicelli.

I'm sorry. Vermicelli.

What was the question?

How long have you been in sales?

Chales.

Would you please just
answer the question, sir?

Seven years.

Uh, look, Blaine, it looks
like you got this under control.

You want some coffee?

Yeah, sure.

Look, uh, while
your boss isn't here,

I need this job real bad.

And well, I-I got a couple of
felonies I need you to overlook.

If you need references,
I'm sure Mr...

Franklin can vouch for me.

You know, I'm going to take that

just as soon as that security
camera swings back this way.

I-I got to go.

Back to, uh, Chitaly.

Hey, Blaine.

Hey, Kate.

Where's Drew?

He went to get coffee.

Look, let's cut to the chase.

You, me, Xerox room.
I'm gonna rock your world.

Okay.

Really? Okay.

Alright. You go
first and get ready.

You know what? I think we
need a code word, though,

so that I'll know
it's you at the door.

Okay.

How about, "Are you naked?"

'Cause I have a camera, and
Drew wants to get me fired."

[laughs]
Yeah. That'll be-- Oh.

Drew!

Mimi!

You guys don't deserve your jobs

if this is the best you can do.

Hey, man. Hey. You
want to buy some drugs?

He knows, Oswald.

In that case, is
anybody constipated?

Look, I'm sorry I snitched, man.

Sorry? This could
have cost me my job.

Well, you said you
might not hire me.

And I wasn't gonna waste
all this time learning your job

when I already know
my uncle's phone number.

Oh, yeah? Two people
know that phone number.

Oh, what are you gonna tell him?

That he should side with you

and not his own flesh and blood?

No. I'm gonna tell him a
tale of treachery and deceit.

[Mr. Bell]
Gerry Bell.

It won't work, Drew.

Oh, yeah?

Mr. Bell. Uh, a certain
Suzy in sportswear

said she left her
retainer in your car.

And then I said,

are you sure you want me
to fire your nephew Blaine?

[Mr. Bell]
Uh, ha ha, You
heard me right, Carey.

Get rid of him.

[dial tone]

They never taught
that in business school.

Well, actually maybe they did.

I missed a couple
of classes.. a day.

Hey, listen, no hard feelings.

Uh, why don't I buy you a drink?

Maybe later. I'm
gonna be here a while.

I gotta process your
termination forms.

[thud]

Uh, I'll see you later.

Well, Drew, we did it.

[chuckles softly]

I think I feel a little
closer to you now.

Yeah. Me, too.

Maybe this would be
a good time to tell you

that I still want that
job in cosmetics.

Yeah, and I'd like to
model Guess jeans,

but, guess what?

Listen, jerk, I'll have you know I
get compliments on my make-up.

Yeah. I love your make-up.

It goes perfectly with the
back end of my mandrill.

Don't be surprised if you find

a dead hooker in your bed.

You're not sleeping over, Mimi.

[elevator bell dings]

Hey, Lisa.

Hey, Drew.

You know, it's closing time.

I know.

I guess you and I are the last
two left in the store now, huh.

I guess so.

[Drew sighs]

So, you, uh, gonna chicken out?

No. Are you?

Does this look like
I'm chickening out?

I don't know, does, this
look like I'm chickening out?

You break it, you buy it.

Hey, you two. You
better get out of here

or you're gonna get
stuck in the store all night.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, gee. Ha! We
didn't realize that.

Yeah, don't worry.
I'll stick with Lisa,

Make sure she gets out okay.

But thanks a lot, Chuck.
You're doing a great job.

Alright. But remember,

you do not wanna get stuck in
here with Satan and his friends.

[chuckles]
What's that?

As soon as we turn
on the security alarm,

we release a pack of vicious
dogs to patrol the store.

[all laugh]

Well, okay. We'll watch
out for the dogs.

[elevator bell dings]

I like Chuck, you know.

Most guys are like a
frustrated "Dirty Harry."

He's more, like, you
know, Barney Miller.

[chuckles]

So, mattresses?
Or belts and purses?

How about the big
table in the boardroom?

Ooh, surrounded by
portraits of old men?

Let's do it.

[elevator bell rings]
Your chariot has arrived.

[growling]

Uh, we'll take the next one.

Run!