All language subtitles for The Drew Carey Show (1995) - S01E07 - Drew in Court (720p DVD Upscale x264 8bit AAC 2.0 DJPitaB).eng

Hey, sorry I'm late.

I was up all night
preparing for my lawsuit

you know, about that
allegedly sexist cartoon I put up.

I'm, uh, defending myself.

So, uh, I'd like to announce

that the "Drew Carey
Legal Defense Fund"

is now accepting
donations for court costs.

Come on, for 20 bucks, you get a
front row seat in the courtroom.

For 50 bucks, you get to sit
on my lap in the electric chair.

Oh, well. Thanks for
letting me in your carpool.

Well, we needed another member

since Bergman in Housewares
fell off the wagon.

Oh, that's too bad.

Um, I-I drink beer,

but I'm only killing time
until my intervention.

We're not alcoholics. This
is the ex-smokers' carpool.

Oh, good for you.
How long has it been?

No talking!

[turns on radio]

[All]
Hey!

Jeez, sorry.

[sighs]

♪ How's it goin' back there? ♪

♪ You didn't say no singin' ♪

♪ You only said no talkin' ♪

♪ How's it goin' back there? ♪

I need a piece of nicotine gum.

Uh, I have some
Chiclets if that'll help.

Man. Next week I'm gettin'
a ride with the alcoholics.

They may not always get to work,

but at least they
have fun tryin'.

Oh, Johnson.

Uh, th-those are
candy cigarettes.

That's part of my therapy.

- Here, I'll take those.
- Ah-ah!

No, Johnson, these smell
like real cigarettes to me.

Unfiltered, extra tar.

They don't even
have a warning label.

Come on, give 'em here!

Ah, ah, ah! I'm gonna
drop them. I'll drop them.

Now I'm Mr. Popularity
all of a sudden, huh?

Now we're gonna
do things my way.

Ready?

♪ For Drew's a
jolly good fellow ♪

♪ For Drew's a
jolly good fellow ♪

♪ For Drew's a
jolly good fellow ♪

Big finish. Come on.

♪ And so say all of us ♪

[theme song]

♪ Moon over Parma, bring
my love to me tonight ♪

♪ Guide her to Cleveland
underneath your silvery light ♪

♪ We're goin' bowlin' ♪

♪ So don't lose her in Solon ♪

♪ Moon over Parma tonight ♪

[instrumental music]

Uh, hello, Phillip?

Yeah, this is Drew Smith

from the Cleveland
Bar Association.

Yeah, I'm calling
all the lawyers

to make sure they're up
to snuff on, uh.. the laws.

So, pop quiz, how
would you defend a guy

who's being sued
by another employee

for puttin' up a cartoon of a
caterpillar making it with a french fry?

Yeah, yeah, that's
the one. Uh-huh.

Okay, Maxwell vs... Wait.

Maxwell vs. Thomas,
'71. Right, 1971.

Uh, overturned on appeal. Right.

Appurtenances notwithstanding.

Can you spell
"Appurtenances" for me?

So, I... oh, wait, I can't
keep... wait, listen...

[knock on door]

Listen, can you
just tell me the name

of a good kielbasy,
you know, hot dog stand

right by the state
court building?

Uh-huh, thanks.

Okay, you pass this
time, but just watch it.

Hey.

How's it going, Drew?

Well, after a great
deal of legal research,

I came up with a strategy.

I got $10,000 and a
fake beard in my car.

Anybody wanna go to Canada?

I'm never gonna win this case.

There's too much to go through.

I can't find anything in
those books that'll help me.

How'd your research go?

Well, good news.

I did find one case where
someone who wasn't a lawyer

managed to successfully
defend themselves in court.

Now, it was back
in 1692, "McIntosh...

"Mclntosh vs. Salem."

Lewis, this wouldn't
happen to be a witch trial,

would it?

Well, it doesn't specify.

But this McIntosh woman
got all her charges dropped

by allowing herself
to be burned to death.

So it can be done.

And the bad news?

Well, freedom of speech protection

doesn't apply to cases
of sexual harassment.

How did I harass Nora by
putting up that cartoon?

Define sexual harassment for me.

Well, simply put,

"Sexual harassment is any
unwelcome sexual advance."

That's every sexual
advance I make.

Oh, Drew, I know a lot of women

who would find your sexual
advances perfectly welcome.

Oh, yeah, give me
your best three.

Three? You want three?

How 'bout you?

Did you get any
dirt on this woman?

Well, I followed
her like you said,

and I got a lot of pictures.

Okay, this is some litter
I think Nora dropped.

This is a parking
meter that ran out

right after Nora drove off.

These are some real
young kids smoking.

This is a ghetto.

This is hatred,
and this is hunger.

What does any of this
have to do with Nora?

Nothing!

I'm sorry, Drew. I
couldn't find anything.

[sighs]
Well, I might as well
get this over with.

I need a big favor
from you guys.

On the off chance
that I lose this case,

I want to make sure my
assets are protected.

So, Kate, I need
you to sign here.

Take the title to my car.

And, Lewis, buddy, I need
your signature here.

You take over the
deed to my house.

Oh, I don't know, Drew, I
was hoping my first home

might be something
a little nicer.

[instrumental music]

Wow, employee of the
month, salesman of the year.

This is a very impressive
resume, Mr. Schultz.

Uh, I just have one
last question. Um..

what do you think
of that cartoon?

Uh, it's funny, very clever.

I'm glad you just
said that because,

see, here at Winfred-Louder,

we just don't want
the best salesmen,

we want the salesmen with
the best sense of humor.

People without
humor cause trouble.

[laughing]

Oh, that reminds me of a joke.

Ah, but I shouldn't.

Come on, you can tell me.

Oh, it's a bit off-color.

I won't tell.

Okay. Three guys go
into a bar, Mr. Schultz.

A priest, a rabbi, and a Kraut.

Uh-huh.

I'm sorry. Did I say Kraut?

I meant, a priest, a
rabbi, and an, Indian.

American Indian or
Indian from India?

Both.

Gotcha.

Actually, it was a
priest, a rabbi, a Kraut,

two Indians, three
feminists, a dolphin, a gay guy,

and a honky.

Go on.

Mr. Schultz, welcome
to Winfred-Louder.

Oh, Drew, I've got a
little something for you.

Yeah, I got a little
something for you, too,

but the other one's
jammed in the chamber.

You know, I think, uh,

I think Hitler's
in that joke, too.

Take it easy, pal,
you got the job.

Mimi, is this thing for real?

New company policy.

Any big words you
want me to explain?

They can't force people to take
down all their personal stuff

just because it might
offend somebody.

"Calendars, religious symbols,
personal photographs."

This covers everything.

Not quite. You're still here.

Oh, like you could throw me out.

I'd like to try.

Wait, let me call
the Nature Channel

so I can get this one on tape.

[instrumental music]

[whispers]
Hey.

Hey. Thanks for comin'.

So, uh, do I look like a lawyer?

Yeah, if you're
debating Lincoln.

Well, I think I look good.

I'm hoping the other
lawyers wear clamdiggers.

You're gonna do great.

I am so proud of
you right now, man.

I mean, this is scary as hell.

You're defending yourself
against real lawyers

knowing next to nothing
about the justice system,

and then some judge,
who's a complete stranger,

is gonna decide your fate.

Wow!

Oh, those kielbasies aren't
sittin' so good right now.

Mr. Carey, I just, uh,

want to wish you good
luck before we get started.

I gotta admire somebody
with the courage

to defend themselves.

Well, you don't need a lawyer

when you have
truth on your side.

[laughing]

And thunder, that's
just god bowling.

[laughing]

[laughing]
I'm screwed.

All rise for the
honorable Judge White.

Morning, everyone.
Please be seated.

If the prosecution has
an opening statement,

it may begin.

Ah, before that, Your Honor,

I'd like to motion that
this case be dismissed

on the grounds that it's
just another nuisance lawsuit

that's wasting taxpayer
money and your valuable time,

which could be
better spent modeling.

Given that this is a case
about sexual harassment,

would you like to
rephrase that, Mr. Carey?

It was the modeling part, right?

Just don't take that down.

Hey, stop typing.

Knock it off.

I said knock it off!

The person who
types this is an idiot.

[gavel bangs]

Sit down, Mr. Carey.

- Thank you.
- You're welcome.

Your Honor, the
prosecution will present

a preponderance of evidence

that the defendant,
Mr. Drew Carey,

harassed the plaintiff,
Ms. Nora O'Dougherty,

by forcing her to
read offensive material

included in a company memo.

And this led to the creation
of a hostile work environment.

- Thank you.
- Thank you.

If the defense has
an opening statement,

you may begin.

Your Honor, I will show

that this case is
completely ridiculous.

We'll all have a good laugh
and then drinks are on me.

[All]
Hey! Alright!

[gavel bangs]

Ms. Bobeck, would
you mind telling us

your reaction when
you saw the cartoon?

I thought it was sexist.

The french fry was saying no,

The french fry was saying no,
but the caterpillar
was forcing her.

but the caterpillar
was forcing her.

Objection.

Your Honor, the witness
is expressing opinion

regarding the gender
of the french fry.

The cartoon doesn't say
whether the fry is female.

Yes, but the french
fry is bring mounted.

Yes, but men can be
mounted, you know, some men.

Sustained.

Whoo! Yeah!

[gavel banging]

Sorry, Your Honor.
It's just, you know,

it's my, it's my
first objection.

No further
questions, your honor.

The defense may cross-examine.

Uh, Ms. Bobeck, if
that is your real name...

would you mind telling the court

exactly what you told
me in the court hallway

right before we
started this morning?

And remember,
there were witnesses.

I said, "I think you're
a disgusting pig,

and I hate your guts with
an all-consuming passion."

After that.

I'd do anything I have
to, to get you put away.

After that.

You four-eyed butt weasel.

Your Honor, I'd like you to consider
this witness' testimony impeached.

And I'd also like to
request a ten minute recess

because, well, that hurt.

Dr. Singer, in your
opinion as a psychiatrist,

does Ms. O'Dougherty suffer
from any of the symptoms

commonly associated with being
a victim of a hostile workplace?

Yes, she suffers
from all of them.

No further
questions, Your Honor.

Dr. Singer, would
you mind telling us

exactly, you know, what
those symptoms are?

Well, the victim often
suffers a loss of self-esteem.

They may feel abused, worthless,

and have difficulty
performing their job.

That's half the
country on a Monday.

Isn't it possible that she
suffered from these symptoms

before she saw the cartoon?

Oh, it's possible,

but in light of that
cartoon, I don't see how--

Dr. Singer, did you
even see the cartoon

that offended Ms.
O'Dougherty?

Yes.

Well, then, tell the truth,
did you find it funny?

No.

Really? Not a little bit?

Not even a chuckle or a smirk?

No.

Well, then, Dr. Singer,
just what do you find funny?

Pauly Shore.

No further
questions, your honor.

And what was your reaction when
you saw the cartoon, Ms. D'dougherty?

How did it make you feel?

I-I felt harassed... sexually.

And it made my workplace
feel very hostile.

And did this affect your
performance on the job?

Oh, not at first.

But then he put that cartoon up

on the wall of his cubicle,

and I had to face it every day.

I couldn't stop
thinking about it.

I couldn't sleep,
I couldn't eat.

I...I...

That caterpillar is smiling.

[sobbing]

Your honor, I request
a short recess.

This has been very
difficult for my client.

Granted.

The court will take
a 15 minute recess.

[sobbing]

Hey, call me crazy,
but I think we got 'em.

[instrumental music]

Man, if I wasn't in
deep enough already.

The judge is tough,
her lawyer's a shark,

and these suspenders
are chaffing my nipples.

And Nora with that crying.

I mean, come on.

She must have been up
all night rehearsing that.

Well, two can play that game.

When I testify tomorrow,
just give me the signal

and the tears will pour.

I tell you, crying has gotten me

out of fights and speeding
tickets and really bad sex.

There's a great
story behind that one,

but it's, uh, it's
not flattering.

Drew, I can make myself sneeze.

I can vomit at will.

Listen, thanks, guys,

but I don't think it's going
to come down to that.

I mean, I don't think things
are going that badly.

What do you guys think?

I'm wondering if a lap pool
would fit in your backyard.

What are you talking about?

Oh, Drew wanted to
protect his assets,

so he signed his car over to me

and his house over to Lewis.

Oh...

It's just a legal maneuver, Oswald.

They're not really gettin' anything.

Oh.. I-I see.

You can't give anything
to two of your friends

while I can't be
trusted with nothing.

Oswald, I'd be honored
if you took my stereo.

You can listen to it
over at my new house.

Oh, come on. I'm not gonna lose.

I got everything under control.

Hey, Drew, 'cause of
you I had to take down

my Girls on Corvettes calendar.

I just want to say, I support
your right to be a moron.

Alright.

[Both]
Whoa! Whoa!

I can take him.

Does anyone
doubt I can take him?

[Both]
No. No, no, no.

Alright. Sorry.

You know, if you were
half the man she is,

you wouldn't keep taking this.

Look, Jimmy, it's
been a long day.

So just back off, okay?

Hey, Drew, let me know

if you find any of
these fries attractive.

I've been waiting to tag this
guy since high school, Drew.

And now that he's had 30
beers, I think I could take him.

Let it go, Oswald.
Just ignore him.

My leg fell asleep.

Go ahead. I'll watch the table.

[clamoring]

[instrumental music]

Was Mr. Carey aware of what time

we were starting today?

Yes, Your Honor.

Morning.

Sorry I'm late, but we
had this big lockdown.

And then they made
us all count off.

Mr. Carey, would you care
to explain this to the court?

Oh, it's really
just a long story.

It has nothing to
do with the case.

What are the charges?

Aggravated assault.

But, you know, enough about me.

Your Honor, I'd like to
get things rolling along

'cause I-I have another
hearing in an hour.

Call your first witness.

[clears throat]

The defense calls
Ms. Kate O'Brien.

Sorry we couldn't
bail you out, man.

The judge wanted you to
cool off for a night in the tank.

That's okay, Oswald.
Jail made me stronger.

And I learned that
which doesn't kill you

will protect you for
two cartons of Kools.

Mr. Carey.

Ms. O'Brien, what
is your opinion

of the defendant's character?

He's great.

He's really sweet
and good-natured.

I'd say he's one of the
most wonderful guys

in the world.

Really?

Do you think the
defendant is handsome?

- Uh...
- Remember, you're under oath.

Objection. Irrelevant.

I was just trying to add a
little levity, your honor.

I believe that's why you're
here in the first place.

Get on with it.

Uh, Ms. O'Brien, you work at the
Winfred-Louder department store.

Were you offended
by that cartoon?

Offended? Let me
tell you something.

I consider myself to be
modest and old-fashioned,

but when I saw that cartoon,
I almost peed my pants.

Hell, I was thinking about
having that sucker tattooed on my--

Objection!

She's your witness, Mr. Carey.

Not anymore, she ain't.

Why?

You can have her.

See if she does
any better for you.

As long as I've known Drew,

I've never heard
him tell a dirty joke.

He's never said a
disparaging word to a lady.

He's kind to animals and
not just the cute ones.

And does the defendant
give to charities?

Yes, he certainly does.

I didn't mention that because I
didn't want to embarrass him.

You see, he's also the humble...

Most humble man I know.

And this is your
unbiased opinion?

You're not being paid

nor are you under any financial
obligation to the defendant?

Not anymore.

No further
questions, Your Honor.

Yes.

No.

I mean, yes.

Could you repeat the question?

Do you swear to
tell the truth...

the whole truth and
nothing but the truth?

You know what? No further
questions, your honor.

In summation, we've established

that Ms. O'Dougherty was
forced to view the cartoon

and has suffered the
indignities of a hostile workplace.

Your Honor, I know you'll
award the damages we request.

I only hope that will
put an end to the trauma.

Thank you.

The defense may offer
its closing argument.

I think it's time we see
what all the fuss is about.

[gasps]

Oh, give me a break.

Your honor, this is outrageous.

My client shouldn't have
to face this obscenity.

I ask that she be allowed
to leave the courtroom.

The plaintiff may be excused.

Boy. Was it me, or was she
dragging this whole place down?

Mr. Carey!

I do not want to hear
another emotional outburst.

Alright, then here's
my closing statement.

This is insane.

Uh, here's a joke that
won't offend anybody.

A person and a person
walk into a place.

There. That's it. Thank you.

Has everyone in this country
lost their sense of humor?

Geez, what are
we living in, China?

You know the guy
in Tiananmen Square?

He wasn't trying to stop a tank.

He was trying to tell a
funny knock-knock joke.

"Knock, knock. Who's there?"

"A big-ass tank."

And in summation...
Lighten up, people.

The court accepts
that as your statement.

Bailiff, retrieve the
plaintiff for the verdict.

What do you think?

I think when you see that
little cartoon on a memo,

it's one thing.

But when you blow it up
like that, ugh. It's disgusting.

I've reached a decision.

The court finds
that the plaintiff

was forced to view material

that she considered offensive.

Oh, man.

Mr. Carey, may I
digress for a moment

to tell you that the person

who did most damage
to your case was you.

Hey, Kate was pretty bad.

At any rate,

given that the material
in question is a cartoon

about a caterpillar making
advances towards a french fry,

the court finds that
this was not so egregious

as to create a
hostile workplace,

and therefore, the
judgment is for the defendant

Mr. Carey. Case dismissed.

- Whoo!
- Yeah, baby!

Whoo!

Yeah!

Yeah!

Yeah.

I won! I won!

I won!

- Whoo!
- Whoo!

[instrumental music]

Hey!

Congratulations.

Aww. You guys didn't have
to go to all this trouble.

Oh, no trouble at all.

We didn't get the idea till
you ordered the burger.

And, well, that candle's
been in this ashtray for weeks.

Why don't ya make a wish, buddy.

I wish that intolerance
and censorship

be vanquished by the forces
of truth, justice, and liberty.

Aw..

But since that'll never happen,

Cindy Crawford's in a
wool bikini and I'm a moth.

You know, there's still one
thing I'm curious about though.

The whole plausibility of
this confused attraction thing.

A caterpillar... a french fry.

Now, technically,

this caterpillar
should not be aroused

because this french fry is
not exuding any pheromones.

He's headed towards it.

Hey, is that another
caterpillar I see in front of me?

Kind of oily, but, hey,
the bar's about to close.

[chuckles]

It's not easy being a
crinkle-cut french fry.

All the good fries are
either married or gay.

Look at that.

The caterpillar's going for it.

Oh! Ore-Ida!

[chuckles]

Is it just me, or is anyone
else getting turned on?

It's just me, isn't it?