All language subtitles for The Drew Carey Show (1995) - S01E06 - Drew Meets Lawyers (720p DVD Upscale x264 8bit AAC 2.0 DJPitaB).eng

So, um, how are things
down at the warehouse?

Slow.

Oh, nothing like what's
happening up in management, huh?

Yeah.

All everybody talks
about is that creep

who's getting sued
for that sexist cartoon.

[chuckling]
Well, I don't know if i'd
call him a creep.

You know, it's just a little
cartoon of a caterpillar

tryin' to do it
with a French fry.

You know, make
love to a French fry.

You from management?

What makes you say that?

You're wearing a suit.

Oh, this.. Uh, this is
just for product testing.

Try and light me on fire.

Well, it's about time somebody
nailed one of those big shots

for sexual harassment.

Actually, it's a hostile
workplace lawsuit.

You know, harassment
is different.

Ha!

But every bit as bad.

In some cases,
worse. Most cases. All.

Let me tell you one thing
about this harassment guy.

If I ever found out who he was,

I'd show him a
hostile workplace.

If he ever laid a hand on me,

I'd rip his arm out
from its socket

and I'd beat him
over the head with it.

I'd grab him by the spuds,
flip him upside down,

and use his tater tots
as a carrying handle.

Boy, I-I'd yell at
him. That's for sure.

[horn honking]

Hey! Watch where
you're going, buddy.

Boy, typical male driver, huh?

You know what they say,

if you have a big you-know-what,
you don't need a Porsche.

[laughing]

[theme song]

♪ Moon over Parma, bring
my love to me tonight ♪

♪ Guide her to Cleveland
underneath your silvery light ♪

♪ We're goin' bowlin' ♪

♪ So don't lose her in Solon ♪

♪ Moon over parma tonight ♪

[instrumental music]

Let me tell you, I've talked
to a lot of employees,

and everyone's on your side.

- Really? You think so?
- Yeah.

I hope you fry, Drew.

Aw, she called me Drew.

Haven't had my
morning coffee yet.

Ah. Hey, dirtbag,
you got visitors.

Mr. Carey.

You can't prove that.

We're from the law
firm of Fenn and Geller.

My name is Archibald Fenn.

This is my partner Geller.

And we are here
to represent you,

an important and valuable member

of the Winfred-Louder family.

Wow. Finally.

Well, you better do a
good job for this guy.

'Cause, let me tell
you something.

This case is ludicrous.

Drew is the last person

to create a hostile working
environment for women.

Thanks, Kate.

I mean, he's the guy

that all women
want as their friend.

Thank you, Kate.

Yeah, you know why?

Because he's
completely non-sexual.

He's virtually a eunuch.

He hardly dates.
You can ask anyone.

And thank you, Kate.

I'm sorry, you must get a lot

of these nuisance lawsuits, huh?

Brother, you wouldn't believe
what we have to deal with.

Okay, so maybe putting
the toy department

right next to cutlery
was not such a good idea.

But I said "Parental
responsibility,"

and thank God, the court agreed.

You got no problems. We
got every trick in the book.

We used to be
personal injury lawyers.

Wow, uh,

you know, you might want
to put something on that.

- He's fine.
- Uh...

Can we plunge right into
you and your case, please?

Alright.

I read the complaints
and, in all honesty,

yes, I did distribute
the cartoon

as well as hang it up, but
it was totally harmless.

Now, Mr. Carey, we
appreciate your candor.

Is, uh, is this the cartoon?

Yes, it is.

[laughing]

And you think that's funny?

Well, you know, it's not, uh,
"Ha-Ha Ace Ventura funny,"

but you know, it's... funny.

Where did you get it?

Uh, direct pressure, could you?

I'm reading. Could you, please?

That cartoon was faxed to me.

So, you don't read,
uh, smut magazines?

No.

Oh, come on, Mr. Carey.

We're all grown-ups here.

Playboy, Penthouse, old
Carly Simon album covers?

You know, look,

all I did was Xerox the
cartoon as part of the memo

to liven it up.

And who told you this
memo needed livening?

That order came directly
from the White House.

I wouldn't be kidding around
if I were you, Mr. Carey.

'Cause from what I'm hearing,

you committed this act
of your own volition,

without the explicit
or even tacit approval

of Winfred-Louder.

Is that correct, Mr. Drew Carey?

Hey, wait a minute.

I thought you guys
were on my side.

Sides?

Maybe there are no sides.

Maybe this problem is round.

[Fenn]
Sign right there.

Well, w-what is this? What's..

Just says that we're
representing you

and that you agree
to settle out of court.

Well, listen, I-I
really can't sign this,

you know, without a
second opinion. And besides,

I'm-I'm left-handed.

Look, I-If I sign this, isn't
that an admission of guilt?

I mean, what about my
First Amendment rights?

[laughing]
Pffft!

Isn't that always
the first thing

they start screaming?

"First Amendment.
First Amendment."

Like a bunch of mewling babies.

Listen, you don't agree
to settle out of court,

we can't be responsible
for what happens to you.

Understand, cartoon boy?

I understand that
sounds like a threat!

Now, listen. When we
started this conversation,

you said we were one big,
happy Winfred-Louder family.

Now it's more like
we're the Donner family,

and I just pulled up lame.

Listen, if I don't
settle, can I be fired?

No, not exactly.

Oh. Well, then, get the hell
out of here, both of you.

I'll get my own lawyer.

One who clots!

[instrumental music]

I can't believe in the
entire city of Cleveland,

there isn't one lawyer

with the guts to
list his phone number.

The spineless bastards.

Have you tried looking
under "Attorneys"?

Wow!

There are thousands of 'em.

Everything from
Abrams to Zambetti.

Have you tried talking to
this woman who's suing you?

She won't return my calls.

She won't even meet with me.

This is totally out of control.

Then why don't you just go along

with the company's
lawyers and settle?

What? And give in?

I'm tired of giving in. I
give in every day of my life.

I give in to my boss, I
give in to my neighbors.

I even give in and buy American.

And when that breaks,
I buy American again.

But I am not giving
in on this one.

Oswald, give me the
name of a lawyer.

I'll call the
first one you pick.

Here's one. As
seen on 60 Minutes.

Oh, this is crazy.

I have no way of knowing
which lawyer's any good.

Kate, didn't you go
out with a lawyer once?

You mean Brad? The guy I met

on that blind date who kept
calling and calling forever?

Don't remind me.

Why? What happened?

Well, he had to be
first in everything.

He had to be first
in law school,

first to pass the bar,
and in bed, another first.

Hey, you have something
in common with a lawyer.

[snickers]

You know, Kate,
that's all in the past.

Why don't you be an
adult and call him?

No.

Do it and I'll stop this.
Do it and I'll stop this.

Do it and I'll stop this.

Forget it. No.

Okay, this is how the
phone call goes.

[breathy]
Hi, Brad.

I have a friend.

She's in trouble and
she's really cute.

You get him to the bar,
and I'll take it from there.

Drew, he's so obnoxious.

More obnoxious than this?
More obnoxious than this?

More obnoxious than this?

Drew.

Why can't you hire a decent
lawyer like anyone else?

Oh, yeah. Let me
just get the money

from the wall safe
behind the Monet over--

Oh, my God, the Monet is gone!

Alright, alright. I'll do it.

I don't wanna do
it, but I will do it.

I'm just tired of the nagging.

Wow, I just flashed
back to my prom night.

[knocking on door]

[Peaches]
Help! Drew come out!

Help! Help!

Peaches, what is it?

Your door was locked.

Well, hey, look, just
'cause you're my neighbor,

doesn't mean you can just
come over here anytime you want.

Okay.

I didn't have time to
bake you anything today,

so I brought you this from
the silk-screen place I work at.

They say they're misprints.

Of course it's a misprint.

The arrow is supposed
to point to somebody else.

Oh.

Well, that would be funny, too.

Look, peaches, I'm sorry
I'm in such a bad mood,

- but, you know I'm being sued, so...
- Sued? For what?

Some woman at work said
I sexually harassed her.

Want to show me
where you touched her?

I didn't touch her.

So, show me where you
would have touched her.

I think it was somewhere
in the living room.

You check the yard.

Hey, guys.

What are you doing?

Watching everything Darwin
said go right out the window.

Brad says he'll meet
you at the Warsaw,

only if I come along.

Oh, great.

Oh, I'd love to have
you along, Peaches,

but, you know, my
car only holds.. four.

Ah, come on, Drew.

There's always room
for another lovely lady

in the car.

Wow.

You almost sound like
you're singing when you talk.

You should hear me sing.

It almost sounds
like I'm talking.

You should hear me throw up.

It almost sounds like
Handel's Water Music.

[instrumental music]

Man, I hope this lawyer
you know works out.

Well, do you remember
that poor old lady

that got coffee
spilled all over her?

Yeah.

He got her sent to prison.

Hey, everybody, watch.

Okay.
[clears throat]

This is a test of the
emergency broadcast system.

[water glass music]
This is only a test.

Here's to us, Oswald.

You're an amazing man.

[glasses clink]

Whoa!

My back teeth are floating.

Time to go powder my nose.

[chuckles]

Call me crazy, but now that

I'm getting to know Peaches,

there is something
downright appealing about her.

She doesn't play those
sophisticated mind games

like a lot of women do.

You're right. She's more
of a "Chutes and Ladders"

type of girl.

Oh, come on.

I'm not trying to rain on
anybody's parade here,

but I can't believe
you're falling for this.

Falling for what?

Buddy, wake up and
smell the coffee.

She's tunneling
through you to get to me.

Drew, you're jealous.

Jealous?

Over a woman who gets
her daily iron from dirt?

Good. Then you won't mind

if I take Peaches
out for a bite to eat.

Pffft. Mind? Yeah.

I mind so much,
I'll even pay for it.

Here. Here's ten bucks.

No, wait a minute.

Here's 11. Supersize it.

Thanks, buddy.

Brad.

Brad. Over here.

Kate. Great to see you.

Drew Carey.

It is so crazy you called.

So, where's your
cute girlfriend?

- Well, um...
- Hi.

Whatever doctor
did this to you,

we'll get you so much money.

I'm sorry, but,

Kate figured we had to
lie to get you down here.

Well, you know, that
is just the kind of thing

that makes me glad I dumped you.

You dumped me? I dumped you.

- No, no, no. I dumped you first.
- Brad, buddy.

Save the fight for
the courtroom, pal.

[chuckles]
Okay.

I broke up with you first.

So, Kate tells me
that you put up

a tasteless cartoon at work.

Uh, allegedly tasteless.

[scoffs]
Yeah, well,

if you're so smart,
then you probably know

that there was a case
very similar to this,

Bartlett vs. Apex Glass.

And the judge dismissed
it, with prejudice.

Yeah, we may have precedent.

Precedent with prejudice.

Wow.

Listen, uh, Brad, buddy,

I know this, uh, kind of
advice doesn't come cheap,

and, well, I don't have
that kind of money.

Maybe you two could
work something out.

Yeah.

How about 10,000 easy
payments of a dollar?

Aah, don't worry.

I'm willing to take
this case pro bono, if...

Kate's willing to
go on a date with me.

Hold on.

I can't ask Kate to go
out to a lovely dinner

with this fine young
lion of an attorney

who drives, a..
What do you drive?

- Cadillac.
- Cadillac.

I mean, and to make this one

tiny, miserable insignificant

little sacrifice
for her best friend

in the whole wide world.

- Convertible.
- Convertible.

I'll tell you what.

We'll talk about it.

Well, why don't we talk
about it up at the bar?

You know, I am so
sorry I dumped you.

Ow.

Man, I can't believe it.

I'm getting a free lawyer,

and I finally got
Peaches out of my hair.

You know the difference
between you and me, Norton?

I always land on my feet.

Don't do this, Drew.

I can feel it, man.

You're temptin' fate.

Fate? Ha! I laugh at fate.

Hey, fate, right here,
take your best shot.

Come on, I dare you.

[screams]

Get your tongue
off me, you creep.

How about two outta three?

And keep it off.

Fine! And to hell
with your friend, too.

Without me, he's going down!

What happened to my lawyer?

He had precedent with prejudice.

What was I supposed to
do? He licked my shoulder.

Well, maybe he needed salt.

I'd love to help you,
but anything but that.

Aw... I'm sorry, Kate.

I shouldn't have put
you in that position.

Hey, maybe prison
won't be so bad.

Yeah. You get plenty
of time to read.

You get to work
out all the time. Yeah.

You get three square meals a day.

Yeah. Probably it'll
be just like a spa.

Except the big muscly
guy who rubs your back

also lives with you.

[instrumental music]

Excuse me.

Is the legal aid society
around here anywhere?

You a narc?

Hey, maybe I just like
my hair like this, okay?

Uh, sorry, man.
Yeah, I'm the lawyer.

Look, I'm not here to bust you,

so you can exhale
now, okay, buddy?

[door shuts]

Look, the reason
I'm here is because

this woman at work is
suing me for putting up

this, you know, supposedly
offensive cartoon.

Well, it's, uh,

it's not offensive, and
it's definitely not funny,

because I'm not
laughing, and, uh,

I'm an easy audience right now.

What's your, um, annual salary?

Why?

Uh, because we only
represent the little guy

who's being driven down
by the forces of capitalism

and stripped of his soul

by the giant mega-conglomerates.

Oh, brother.

If you ever need a
poster boy.. Phew.

And, uh, you have
an annual salary of?

Oh, you know, $26,000, roughly.

Oh, sorry, man, you, uh,
you make too much money.

What?!

Tell my mom that.

Come on, man. You've
got to represent me.

I've been all over town.

I don't have the bucks
for a regular lawyer.

You just got done telling me
you represent the underdog.

N-No, we work
for the little guy.

Uh, unfortunately, at
$26,000, you're the medium guy.

Come on, I'm the little guy!

Well, fine. If you're
the little guy,

then we only
represent the tiny guy.

$24,000 and under.

Please, you're my last chance.

If you don't represent
me, I could be fired.

Well, if you're fired,
then we can represent you.

But if you don't represent
me, I could be fired.

Well, if you're
fired, then we can..

Whoa, man, that was cool.

[instrumental music]

[rain pattering]

If you won't come inside,

will you at least
take this umbrella?

Come on, leave me alone.

My cue ball's stuck
in the undertow.

Look, Drew, we just want you to
know that if you choose to settle,

that we, your good friends,

still know that you're
a man of principle.

Yeah, but I know I wasn't.

You know, this stinks.

I can't afford a
long court battle,

and I'm too rich
to get free help.

Uh, I-I've fallen through
the cracks in the system.

I might as well just lie here

with my mouth open and drown.

I'm gonna do it.

Drew!

Guys, can I talk to
Drew alone for a minute?

Drew, is that okay?

Okay, we-we'll be inside.

If you need us, just signal
us with your blow hole!

You okay, Drew?

Yeah, sure.

You know, Peaches, I'm really
happy for you and Oswald.

Your parents must be
proud of you, you know,

dating outside the
family and everything.

Well, that's kind of what
I came over to talk about.

Oswald and me... it's over.

I'd like you to give
him this letter.

Wait!

This must be a mistake,

you and Oswald were
made for each other.

You bagged
yourself a 12-point.

Or whatever it is you
Appalachian-Americans say.

I don't want no
trophy boyfriend.

Besides, I'm looking for
something more permanent.

Oh, man.

That's the same
kiss-off Oswald got

from the last six women he dated!

This is gonna crush him.

Anyway, you're the
one for me, Drew.

My psychic friend told me so.

Oh, man, she's
still on the line!

I gotta go.

Oh! I almost forgot.

Daddy accidentally grabbed
your paper this morning.

Remember Drew, you
can run, but you can't hide.

Was that Peaches?

Uh, yeah.

She just brought me my paper.

I'm going to go say hi.

Hey, listen, Oswald,
uh, we need to talk.

About what, buddy?

Uh, it's about Peaches.

You know, um... since
you guys started getting

interested in each other,

I'm not sure exactly
how I feel about her, and..

well, you know,
you're so good-looking,

and you have that great
voice and everything.

You want me to back off.

Well, yeah.

I mean, I don't want
her to know why.

It would really
mean a lot to me, and..

You get so many women,
you, you lucky dog.

Oh, man.

I thought you weren't
interested in Peaches,

but I should have known

you can't afford to
throw anything back.

Thanks, Oswald, uh, I
hope someday in the future,

I'm able to explain to you

what a truly special
moment this was.

Don't sweat it.

And listen, about this
whole lawsuit thing,

if you lose and they take
everything away from you,

you're welcome to
whatever I've got.

What have you got?

Rhythm.

[instrumental music]

Hey, uh... what the
hell's going on here?

Uh, we got a work order
to put in a.. skylight.

Skylight? That's
not a roof above me,

That's Accounting.

Alright. A vent.

Wait a minute,
this is on purpose,

just to to cover up my cartoon.

Oh, look who's here,
the early settlers.

Drew, the corporation
has got to protect itself.

Come on, be a team
player. Sign the papers.

Somebody just found a way

to get water into the new
"Bathe-N-Blow" hair dryer,

and we're gonna
be up to our elbows

in people with skin grafts,

[chuckling]
up to their elbows!

I'm not signing.

If you go to court,
you will lose.

Want to make a federal
case out of this?

Look, it already is.

And I'll tell you
something else.

For seven years I worked in
this cramped little cubicle,

where the lighting sucks,
busting my hump for a company

that won't even back
me up when I'm right!

So if I'm the only one that's
gonna stand up and say,

"Hey, it's just a
stupid little cartoon,"

that's my own stupid choice,

and I'll take my own
stupid consequences.

No lawyer in his right
mind will take this case!

That's the other stupid thing.

I'm going to represent myself.

Now, if you gentlemen
will excuse me.

♪ God bless America ♪

♪ Land that I love ♪

♪ Stand beside
her and guide her ♪

♪ From the thing, to the
thing, from the thing ♪

♪ Bum-da-dum-dum ta da da da ♪

♪ Da da da da ♪

♪ White with foam! ♪

♪ God bless America ♪

♪ My home sweet home! ♪

[accented voice]
Hello, peaches.

This is your psychic friend.

Yes, I knew you were
about to call me.

That's why I called
you. You see, I'm psychic.

In fact, I can tell you what
you are wearing right now.

[snaps fingers]

- You are wearing, uh,
- Curlers.

Curlers.

And you are also wearing...

Curlers.

Anyway, uh, let me tell
you why I called you.

I sensed danger for you.

There is a man in your
life, a handsome man.

Crew cut, glasses,
a little portly,

but it works for him.

Listen to me, and you
must listen carefully.

He is trouble. Stay away!

Also, while I have
you on the line,

it is imperative that
you mow your lawn!

The fates have decreed it!

And make sure
you bag it this time!

Drew!

Drew, I gotta use the phone.

[regular voice]
Yeah, peaches, it's me.

Yeah, you can come over.