All language subtitles for The Drew Carey Show (1995) - S01E05 - No Two Things in Nature are Exactly Alike (720p DVD Upscale x264 8bit AAC 2.0 DJPitaB).eng

Man, I can't thank
you enough, Bill.

I know how crowded
all the car pools are.

I really appreciate
you squeezing me in.

So, uh, I guess i'm
your first stop, huh?

Nope. You're it.

Really? Just me?

Yeah. Just you and me.

Bill, Buddy.

[car phone rings]

Uh, excuse me.

Probably the wife.

Yeah, honey?

[chuckling]
'Cause it's always you.

Look at all this room, man.

I could probably lay down.

Oh, well, time for my sit-up.

[grunting]

Whew. Yeah, tight.

What do you want me to do,

turn around now and come home?

Well, then get a job!

Do something with your life

instead of laying around
feeling sorry for yourself.

Hey, let's play auto bingo.

A sign, a bus, a
billboard, a mailman.

I'll tell you what I'll do.

How about if I kill myself, huh?

I can do it, Doris.

I'm behind the wheel.
Just say the word!

Uh, ambulance, a policeman.

Alright. Alright, then.

Yeah. Just, uh,
just go back to bed.

Yeah. I love you, too.

Alright. Bye.

Little problem at home?

[sighs]
Same thing every morning.

Boy, if I didn't have a
girlfriend on the side,

I would kill myself.

[Doris on phone]
I'm still here.

So... this baby have, uh,
passenger-side airbags?

♪ Moon over Parma, bring
my love to me tonight ♪

♪ Guide her to Cleveland
underneath your silvery light ♪

♪ We're goin' bowlin' ♪

♪ So don't lose her in Solon ♪

♪ Moon over parma tonight ♪

[instrumental music]

You know, you buy a
house from someone,

you expect the furnace to
be in good working order.

I have half a mind to
drag those con artists

back from Florida,
and make them fix this.

Oh, that where
your folks are now?

Yeah.

Where the hell's all
this global warming

I've been hearing so much about?

[spraying]

Hey, screw the
grandkids! I'm cold now!

I need some heat today, damn it!

Hey, Lewis, any good news?

Yeah, I found this really
neat oily stuff to play with.

Drew, your furnace is dead.

Oh, man.

[knocking on door]

Coming.

Gee, I hope it's
somebody who's on fire.

- Oh, Hey, Kate.
- Hey, Drew.

Wow, it's freezing in here.

Yeah. Well, the furnace broke.

Oh, so I guess a, uh, snake

couldn't live in a
house this cold, huh?

Gee, what's in the box?

Is it a puppy?

No, but it could eat a puppy.

It's Barry's python.

You want it?

No. I just gave a
big box to goodwill.

What would I want
with Barry's snake?

Why didn't he
just take it with him

when you threw
him out of the house?

He hasn't taken
any of his things.

And I just don't want this
slimy, creepy, rat-eating thing

in my house anymore.

You're not running a warehouse.

Have you talked
to him about this?

A few times.

Hey, snakey, snakey.

Roll over. Come on, boy.

Roll over.

- Lewis. Lewis, it's not gonna--
- Good boy!

[car horn honking]

Whoops. I got to go.

Hey, uh, Oswald, if you're
going to stick around the house,

find a furnace repair
guy, would you, buddy?

I'll, uh, I'll pay
twice what you get

for laying on the couch.

I'd be glad to, although
today is the anniversary

of my grandfather's death.

I was going to go to church.

Oh, I'm sorry,
man. I didn't know.

That's much more important.

Gotcha! Ha-ha-ha..

Oh, man. I just got
it the way I liked it.

Now I have to do
it all over again.

Okay, let's go.

[instrumental music]

Morning' Angie.

Mimi.

Hey, Drew, how about
those Indians last night?

What? Did they
burn down the fort

and steal the women again?

♪ Who can turn the
world on with her smile ♪

So, did you see
that game last night?

Man, finally, it's everyone
else's team that sucks.

Have you seen the teams
playing that are in last place?

They don't even care anymore.

They run out to the field,

"Hey, man, can I
borrow your glove?"

Long fly ball to right field.

"Oh, God, I can't believe it."

Say, "Hey, Willie."

Mr. Bell wants
you to this send out

for general
distribution right away.

Let's see here.

What? Only one
personal call a day?

That's totally unfair.

Blame your little friend Kate.

Some guy she broke up with

has been calling,
like, 20, 30 times a day.

It's wasting a lot
of people's time.

Oh, that must be Barry.

Look, I don't want everybody
to hate me for passing this out.

I'm still reelin' from
that facial hair memo.

I didn't know
Menachem was Hasidic.

Was this your idea?

Maybe.

Has anyone ever tested
your makeup for lead?

[chuckles]

You know, Mr. Carey,

and I'm not speaking as your
boss' personal assistant now,

but as your enemy, bite me.

Yeah, yeah. One of these
days I'm gonna bite you

and I'm gonna
get very, very sick.

Hello, Lashondra. Can
you send Kate O'Brien

from Cosmetics up here, please?

Thank you.

If it helps, here is
your daily cartoon fax.

Oh, man. Who keeps
sending me these things?

They're not even funny.

[laughing]

Hey, this is great.

It's a caterpillar, see?

He's trying to make it

with this crinkle-cut
french fry.

[laughs]

See?

"Hey, cut it out.
I'm a french fry."

[laughing]

It's hilarious. Here,
I'll tell you what,

why don't you put this at the
bottom of the stupid memo.

Maybe it'll cheer people up,

you know, like puttin' a
smiley face on a subpoena.

Hey, Angie.
Hey, handsome.

Don't you "Hey, Angie" me.

Why didn't you tell me

that Barry was
botherin' you at work?

Because I wanted
to handle it myself.

I can't believe anyone
bothered you with this.

Bothered me? I have
to send out a memo

limiting personal phone
calls for the entire store.

I mean, you gotta
put a stop to this.

Okay, that's it.

I'm calling Barry right now.

You know, uh, this will have
to be your one personal call.

Barry, it's Kate.

Oh, shut up! I shouldn't
bother you at work!

Look, you can't keep
calling me anymore.

It's over.

No, I want you to
pick up your stuff,

and if you don't stop this,

I'm getting a nuisance warrant.

Is that a threat?

Oh, aren't you a big man?

Give me that phone.

Listen, Barry, if Kate
says it's over, it's over.

Now get your stuff out of her
house by by tomorrow night,

and if you ever
threaten her again,

you're in big trouble, mister!

Yeah. Never mind who this is.

Yeah. Yeah, it's Oswald.

Bye.

Barry just can't let go, Drew.

I mean, sometimes he
yells. Sometimes he cries.

It's really scary.

I mean, how do you tell who
you're getting involved with?

Well, here's a clue.

If his tires are
higher than this

and his tattoo of
Satan smoking a cigar

is lower than this,
he's not for you.

Yeah, but that could be anybody.

You know, uh, I'm going to
be at your house tomorrow

when Barry comes over.

You know, just to
make sure you're safe.

You don't have to do that, Drew.

Yeah, neither do
Oswald and Lewis,

but I'm gonna make
sure they get there first.

[telephone ringing]

Yes, Mr. Bell.

[Mr. Bell]
Afraid we have
a problem, Carey.

If it's about the
employee phone use, sir,

it's already been taken care of.

[Mr. Bell]
Yes, actually, I was
calling about the cartoon

you put on the memo.

Very amusing.

Thank you, sir.

You know, I have another with
a, uh, turtle in an army helmet.

It's a whole different thing.

[Mr. Bell]
I don't think so, Carey.

We've received very strong
complaint on the first one.

What?

[Mr. Bell]
Look, there's a time and
a place for everything,

and funny or not,

uh, this is going to
have to go in your file.

My file?

But that's totally unfair.

I mean, it was just a
harmless, stupid little memo.

I was just trying to
boost employee morale.

You know, who'd
be offended by that?

[Mr. Bell]
Someone who considers
it sexually explicit material,

and I'm afraid she wants
to remain anonymous.

She?

[Mr. Bell Sighs]
Yeah.

Look, this is totally unfair.

Can I just talk to her?

Maybe I can
explain a lit--

[dial tone]

Okay, who's the rat?

[taps]

Oh, of course.

So, uh, Mimi... you funny,
little sunny, little Mimi.

How'd you like that, uh, cartoon

I put in this morning's
memo, huh? Did you like it?

I loved it.

I put it on my file cabinet,

right next to the picture
of you with spit on it.

So you didn't bust
me on it with Mr. Bell?

You got busted on
that little cartoon?

This is beautiful.

Hey, I'm in enough
trouble with Mr. Bell.

I'm hanging by a thread here.

Well, then you
better be nice to me,

or I won't tell you that
when you hung up,

Mr. Bell said he
wanted to see you

in his office right away.

What? Why didn't you tell me?

[door opens]

[Mr. Bell]
Carey! What the hell
are you doing in here?

Don't you knock?
What do you want?

[laughing]

Hey, you got me there.

Oh, you big sack of...

[instrumental music]

Alright, I wrote a new
memo. Tell me what you think.

"To all employees
from Drew Carey,

"assistant director
of Personnel,

"as of tomorrow, all employees

"will be requested to bring
their sense of humor to work.

"This replaces
the current practice

"of shoving a
stick up your butt.

Thank you."

That's very healthy
you can let it go, Drew.

Man, are you whacked out.

Of course I'm whacked out.

Why does one uptight person

get to ruin it for
everybody else?

A lot of people in the
office loved that cartoon.

"Hey, Drew, loved the cartoon."

"Hey, I had French fries at
lunch and I thought of you, buddy."

"Drew, I loved your
cartoon. I can walk again."

[Oswald chuckles]

Hey, Drew, Oswald.

Hey, Lewis.

How you doing, space cadet?

Just fine, you stupid,
fat slob, biker dude.

[laughs]

State your business,
Jules, or I'm calling the ATF.

We need a small favor, Drew.

We gave, um, your name
as a job reference.

Oh, man, why me?

We knew your number.

Oh, man. Alright.
What did I hire you for?

Interior decorator.

I've worked for
you for ten years.

I'm currently making
75,000 a year.

Yeah. I love what you
did with your outhouse.

Oh, uh, one other thing.

Would you mind answering
your phone "Drew Corp" for a while?

Out!

Boy, I thought faxing
you those cartoons

would put you in a better mood.

What? That was you?

Don't thank me, Drew.

I'm just bein' a good neighbor.

You know, you have
neighbors on the other side, too.

Well, yeah, but
they don't like us.

No.

No. Don't anyone help me

with this incredibly
heavy box, thank you.

Hey, she was talking to you.

Oh, I'm sorry.

What you got there, Kate?

Barry's stuff.

There's been a
small change in plans.

I told Barry to come
here tomorrow night.

What? Why is he
coming to my house?

I didn't break up with him.

You can't take a domestic
disturbance on the road,

like some kind of
psycho carnival.

I'm really sorry, Drew,
but I need neutral turf.

Ahh, I don't want him
in my house again.

Yeah, you don't want him in
your house 'cause now he's mad,

and he's going to
start busting up stuff.

What if you forgot
some of his things?

He's going to go nuts if
he thinks you were stealing.

I'll say.

Did you get his leather jacket?

I always pictured
myself in that.

Hey, you're not
getting anything.

I'm the one he
treated like crap,

and I deserve a few of
the lousy things I kept.

He won't miss anything anyway.

Well, maybe his insulin.

Oh, man, are you
asking for trouble.

You know, he's just going to
take it out on Drew and his house.

What if the guy goes berserk,

and breaks one of
Drew's hummels?

Yeah. What if he breaks
both my hummels?

[instrumental music]

15 years at Winfred-Louder,
very impressive, Mary.

No black marks, no
customer complaints.

I'm sorry, Mr. Carey,

but can you tell me
exactly why I'm here?

I'm just having a friendly little
chat with all the associates,

you know, just to make
sure the management

doesn't become this
anonymous authority figure

represented by a bunch of memos,

like this one, for example!

Do you find this
offensive, Mary?

No.

How about outrageous,
abusive, shameful, or humiliating?

Just asking.

Are we done?

Yeah. Thanks for stopping by

and keep up the good work.

Alright, it's not Mary.

Drew? Oh, I'll find her, Kate.

If I have to terrorize every
nice, little old lady in the store,

I'll find her.

Since we're on the subject

of insane, obsessive behavior.

Barry called again.

Oh, great. What did he say?

Well, you know what guys say.

He can't live without
me. He can't sleep.

He's hearing voices.
You're the devil.

All that stuff.

Do most guys
think I'm the devil?

'Cause, you know,
that's not the feedback

I've been getting from
my winged monkeys.

I'm really sorry, Drew.

I just wanted to
prepare you for tonight.

Ooh! How did I
get myself into this?

Yeah, but better question is
how did you get me into this?

You know, sometimes, I think
you do this stuff to me on purpose.

Did you find this
cartoon offensive?

Drew, I've seen
your secret shelf.

I don't find anything offensive.

- Kate.
- Nora.

Paycheck. Thanks.

Drew.

Hey, you're the
most popular person

in the store, I'll bet.

Passin' out the cash.

Hey, fellas, look who's here.

Feed me.

Heh-heh. Heh.

Hey, you'll never guess
what happened to me today.

No. What?

Some uptight, humorless killjoy

got me in trouble with Mr. Bell
for hanging up this silly cartoon.

She didn't even have the
decency to tell me to my face.

Can you believe that?

Happens.

Yeah, I guess.

So are you just going
to leave it up like that?

[scoffs]
Hell yes.

It's my right as a citizen
of this great country

to put up whatever
stupid garbage I want.

I look at the wall
of my cubicle,

and I say, "why not?"

I was just thinking that someone
might see it and be bothered by it.

Yeah. Like who?

Nora... not you.

Look, I don't want
to get into this.

That cartoon is offensive
and hostile to women.

I think you should take it down.

[laughing]
It's a caterpillar
and a French fry.

Not to everyone.

You know, you could
have just told me,

"Drew, I didn't appreciate

"this hysterically
funny cartoon.

"So please don't
send me any more

of your selfless and inspirational
attempts to brighten my day."

You didn't have to
go to Mr. Bell about it.

I can do what I want.
It's a free country.

Yeah, not with people
like you around it's not.

Drew, Drew, please.

Nora, can we talk
woman to woman?

'Cause I'm sensitive to the
anguish you're feeling, my sister.

I've known Drew a long time,

and I'm sure he didn't
mean anything by this.

Oh, sure, stick
up for your friend.

Everybody knows
how you got this job.

Why shouldn't I stick up
for him, you tight-lipped priss?

Next thing you know,

you going to sue him for
creating a hostile workplace.

Uh, Kate?

No, no. Let me finish.

Go head. Make a
federal case out of it!

You think anyone's
going to care?

"Oh, the caterpillar and the
French fry are having sex.

Oh, I'm so ashamed!"

You know what...
You know what I think?

Don't say it, Kate.

I think you're not getting any,

and that's your real problem!

Oh, good. You found
a nice way to put it.

I don't have to take this.

Well, that just about
takes care of my job.

Don't worry, Drew.

Who's going to side
with that loose cannon?

Oh, man, I can't
believe it was Nora.

I always thought she was
one of those quiet little people

that never make any trouble.

It's always the
quiet ones, Kate.

[Kate]
Yeah.

Drew, ya stupid idiot!

You collated these
all backwards!

Unless it's the loud ones.

[instrumental music]

I just called Barry's,
and there's no answer.

So he must be on his way over.

He'll probably be awhile.

It's hard to find a place
that sells ammo and beer.

[telephone ringing]

Oh, I should have
never agreed to this.

If it's Barry, we can
pretend we're not here.

No, not that.

Drew Corp.

Jules Lambermont?
Yeah. Good man.

Well, I like an
interior decorator

who has a little edge.

Yeah. Yeah, that was his salary.

Uh-huh, yeah. I'd
have paid him more,

but, you know, I had
that Appalachian family

finishing up my tea garden.

Yeah. No problem. Yeah, bye.

This is driving me nuts.

[sighs]
Oh, great. So we're both nuts.

Relax, Kate. I've got a plan.

I'm going hold
him off with my face

until Oswald and Lewis get here.

It's just, I've been
dreading this for months,

and now that it's finally
here, I just want to run out.

I hate that he can
still do this to me.

Oh, don't worry, Kate.
Nobody can touch you here.

[knocking on door]

Oh, I hope that's the guys.

I can't hold my
gut in much longer.

Kate here?

Yeah. Come in.

Barry.

Kate.

Haven't seen
you in a while, Barr.

You're a lot bigger
than I remember.

Your stuff's all here.

Take it and go.

Can we talk about this?

Could you excuse us, Drew?

Yeah, I'd like to,
Barr, I really would

but I don't-I don't
think Kate wants me to.

Kate?

There's nothing
else to talk about.

Anything you have to say,
you can say in front of Drew.

I was a complete ass.

I'm begging you to come back.

You're really going to do
this in front of me? Cool.

Kate, could we talk outside?

No, this has to
stop. It's scaring me.

I don't want to
hear from you again.

What, is there somebody else?

Yeah. There's Drew.

[chuckles]

How, uh, how good are you
at getting sarcasm, Barry?

Quit playing with me!

You're going to
listen to me, damn it!

Hey, I'm still payin'
on the place, man.

You don't come into
some stranger's house

and start slammin' stuff around.

So just buck up and go, Okay?

You know what I wish?

[door slamming]

I wish I had the
personal self-restraint

not to want to
kill you right now.

You know what I wish?

I wish my friends were
here to see you try.

Yeah, I really wish that a lot.

Leave so I can talk to Kate.

Oh, yeah? Make me.

You're not hearing me.

No, you're not hearin' me.

I only look like the kind of guy

who took crap from guys
like you in high school.

Actually, I was a
berserker in glasses

who almost got myself
killed a couple of times

fighting any lunatic
who came along.

I never took
anything off anybody,

I especially don't take it now
that my friends are finally here,

standing behind you at the door!

Would you guys buy a watch?

Come on, Kate.

You know you're going to
come back to me eventually.

You know what? You're pathetic.

We are so over

that I don't even want
to be reminded of you.

Here. This is yours!

You know, you don't want
to be reminded of Kate.

Now, you-you think about that.

Why don't you guys, uh, take
Barry's boxes out to his truck.

I call shotgun.

Oh... we're not going
anywhere, are we?

Thanks, Drew.

Holy crap! You know what
almost just happened here?

I haven't had an
adrenaline rush like that

since I was 16.

Next time, pick somebody a
little more stable, would ya?

Like a traveling clown or
a mercenary or something.

You were very cool, though.

You remember Steven
Seagal in "Under Siege?"

Yeah.

Nothing like him, huh?

- Yeah.
-Yeah.

[instrumental music]

[humming battle
hymn of the republic]

Hey, Kate, what do you think?

I think you're one step away

from living in a car with
messages painted all over it.

It's our last shred
of dignity, Kate.

It's the freedom of speech

afforded us by the
First Amendment,

which will be tacked up
over here with some candles

and a small but tasteful
Weeping Willie doll.

He really pees.

Having fun, kids?

Hey, aren't you Mimi bobeck?

Drew, Drew.

Someone here to see Drew.

Oh, you must be my 9:30.

I'm-I'm sorry. I just got carried
away decorating my office.

Hey, it's Okay.

Later, Drew.

Thanks again for last night.

Hey, you already got the
job. Why don't you relax?

Thank you, Mimi.

You better hurry home.
The sun's going down.

Wait a minute.

That doesn't make any sense.

Vampires don't die
unless the sun comes up.

Damn it!

So, uh, have a seat.

Quite a resume you have here.

What's the matter,
can't hold a job?

[laughing]

Alright, let's see
what we have here.

"State of Ohio." What is this?

Actually, it's a lawsuit.

I'm a process server.
You're being sued.

By who?

It should all be there
on the first page.

"Let the defendant be
known by these persons--"

Nora O'Dougherty?

"Creating a hostile workplace"?

Sorry.

[laughing]
Great cartoon.

[laughing]

That sexist pig.

You're not gonna
believe this, Drew.

You know that new woman
you've been staring at in cosmetics?

She wanted me to give
you her phone number.

Finally. Staring at a woman

and not saying anything worked.

She's having a hot
tub party tonight,

and she wants you to call
her right away if you want to go.

Well, I don't know.

Where's the phone?

Drew, don't use your
one personal phone call.

Your mom blacked out at church.

She's in the hospital.
Here's the number.

Call her.

Oh, man, you're kidding me.

Hello, mom, it's
Drew. Are you alright?

Wow. Well, I'm sure
the tests will turn out fine.

Listen, while I've
got you on the phone,

can you dial 5-5-5-0-7-1-3

and tell Amy I'm
wearing my one-piece?