All language subtitles for The Drew Carey Show (1995) - S01E04 - The Joining of Two Unlike Elements is a Mixture (720p DVD Upscale x264 8bit AAC 2.0 DJPitaB).eng

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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:01,961 --> 00:00:03,296 Oh, it's from Drew. 2 00:00:04,422 --> 00:00:08,718 It's a... PBS tote bag. 3 00:00:08,801 --> 00:00:09,886 Oh, nice, Drew. 4 00:00:09,969 --> 00:00:12,847 You get that free for the minimum donation. 5 00:00:12,931 --> 00:00:15,475 No, you get that when you buy the watch. 6 00:00:17,101 --> 00:00:19,812 Hey, I got The Three Tenors. 7 00:00:19,896 --> 00:00:21,898 I didn't know that was in there. Gimme that. 8 00:00:21,981 --> 00:00:25,068 I mean, uh, congratulations. 9 00:00:25,151 --> 00:00:27,445 [Mimi] Just a little something for your honeymoon. 10 00:00:27,529 --> 00:00:29,239 If you work up an appetite, it's edible. 11 00:00:29,322 --> 00:00:31,199 Yeah. There's a bite missing. 12 00:00:34,244 --> 00:00:36,120 This one got separated from the gift. 13 00:00:36,204 --> 00:00:38,373 I'm still looking for it. 14 00:00:38,456 --> 00:00:39,290 It's from Kate. 15 00:00:39,374 --> 00:00:40,959 Well, wherever it is, thanks, Kate. 16 00:00:41,042 --> 00:00:42,544 My pleasure. Congratulations. 17 00:00:42,627 --> 00:00:43,670 [applause] 18 00:00:43,753 --> 00:00:45,797 What did you, uh, What did you get her? 19 00:00:45,880 --> 00:00:48,508 A card with a piece of wrapping paper taped to the back. 20 00:00:50,385 --> 00:00:52,595 Wow. Next office party, 21 00:00:52,679 --> 00:00:53,805 I'm going in on a gift with you. 22 00:00:53,888 --> 00:00:55,807 Hey, it's my fifth wedding shower this month 23 00:00:55,890 --> 00:00:57,350 for someone I barely know. 24 00:00:57,433 --> 00:00:58,810 Where's the party for single people? 25 00:00:58,893 --> 00:01:00,436 Just once, I'd like to blow out the candles 26 00:01:00,520 --> 00:01:02,105 on a "Yes, I'm not pregnant" cake. 27 00:01:02,188 --> 00:01:03,398 Easy, Kate. Might want to save 28 00:01:03,481 --> 00:01:05,066 some of that bitterness for your 40's. 29 00:01:06,359 --> 00:01:07,443 Drew, can I talk to you? 30 00:01:07,527 --> 00:01:08,528 I was just going. 31 00:01:08,611 --> 00:01:09,737 Kate, you know, I could never find 32 00:01:09,821 --> 00:01:11,573 that gift you gave me for my baby shower. 33 00:01:11,656 --> 00:01:15,243 Oh. It was that thing they jump, 34 00:01:15,326 --> 00:01:17,412 you know, walk-run-eat in. The toy. 35 00:01:19,038 --> 00:01:20,331 Oh. Right. 36 00:01:20,415 --> 00:01:21,749 Thanks. 37 00:01:23,042 --> 00:01:24,586 So, what, buddy? How you doin'? 38 00:01:24,669 --> 00:01:26,588 You gotta fire me. 39 00:01:26,671 --> 00:01:28,590 What? 40 00:01:28,673 --> 00:01:31,092 Look, my wife's expecting any day now, 41 00:01:31,175 --> 00:01:33,469 and I'd love to spend some time with her and the baby. 42 00:01:33,553 --> 00:01:35,722 We both know I'm not going anywhere with this job. 43 00:01:35,805 --> 00:01:38,516 I mean, how long can a guy stay in women's shoes? 44 00:01:39,934 --> 00:01:42,061 Ha ha ha. 45 00:01:42,145 --> 00:01:43,896 Anyway, the only way I could afford to do this 46 00:01:43,980 --> 00:01:45,690 is by collecting unemployment. 47 00:01:45,773 --> 00:01:46,608 That'd be great. You could show up 48 00:01:46,691 --> 00:01:50,695 for your kid's career day with a beer and a TV Guide. 49 00:01:50,778 --> 00:01:51,779 Hey, if the store had paternity leave, 50 00:01:51,863 --> 00:01:53,781 I wouldn't have to ask you for this. 51 00:01:53,865 --> 00:01:54,991 So what do you say? 52 00:01:55,074 --> 00:01:56,868 I don't know. This is weird. 53 00:01:56,951 --> 00:01:58,411 Nobody ever asked to be fired before. 54 00:01:58,494 --> 00:02:00,371 One guy wanted to be chastised at office meetings, 55 00:02:00,455 --> 00:02:02,832 but, you know, go deal with that. 56 00:02:02,915 --> 00:02:05,752 Come on, Drew. I'd fire you in a heartbeat. 57 00:02:07,378 --> 00:02:08,296 There's rules, man. 58 00:02:08,379 --> 00:02:09,756 I could get in trouble for this. 59 00:02:09,839 --> 00:02:11,799 I just can't go firing people willy-nilly. 60 00:02:11,883 --> 00:02:14,719 Eenie, meenie, miney, mo. You're fired! 61 00:02:14,802 --> 00:02:16,346 How about if I had a bad attitude? 62 00:02:16,429 --> 00:02:18,348 Hey, the heck with you, buddy! 63 00:02:22,226 --> 00:02:23,227 How's that? 64 00:02:24,520 --> 00:02:25,480 Oh, man. 65 00:02:25,563 --> 00:02:29,192 Look, I'll fire you for the kid. 66 00:02:29,275 --> 00:02:30,777 What if I just put down, uh, 67 00:02:30,860 --> 00:02:32,779 I don't know, incompetence? 68 00:02:32,862 --> 00:02:34,989 Thanks. 69 00:02:35,073 --> 00:02:36,366 When did you have long hair? 70 00:02:36,449 --> 00:02:38,034 That's my mother. 71 00:02:41,704 --> 00:02:42,705 Better watch it, pal. 72 00:02:42,789 --> 00:02:45,750 You're this close to getting your job back. 73 00:02:45,833 --> 00:02:47,543 Congratulations, Ed. 74 00:02:47,627 --> 00:02:48,586 You're fired. 75 00:02:48,670 --> 00:02:50,338 Fi-red. Alright. 76 00:02:50,421 --> 00:02:51,422 Wait till I tell my wife. 77 00:02:52,715 --> 00:02:53,633 Wait. There's more. 78 00:02:53,716 --> 00:02:55,426 You only got six months to live. 79 00:02:57,054 --> 00:02:58,054 [theme song] 80 00:02:58,179 --> 00:03:02,225 ♪ Moon over Parma, bring my love to me tonight ♪ 81 00:03:02,308 --> 00:03:06,354 ♪ Guide her to Cleveland underneath your silvery light ♪ 82 00:03:06,437 --> 00:03:08,314 ♪ We're goin' bowlin' ♪ 83 00:03:08,398 --> 00:03:10,358 ♪ So don't lose her in Solon ♪ 84 00:03:10,441 --> 00:03:12,026 ♪ Moon over Parma, tonight ♪ 85 00:03:16,447 --> 00:03:17,365 ♪ That's the way, uh-huh, uh-- ♪ 86 00:03:17,448 --> 00:03:18,366 Whoo. 87 00:03:18,449 --> 00:03:20,076 ♪ I like it, uh-huh, uh-huh ♪ 88 00:03:20,159 --> 00:03:21,577 ♪ That's the way, uh-huh, uh-huh ♪ 89 00:03:21,661 --> 00:03:22,995 Whoo! 90 00:03:23,079 --> 00:03:25,039 ♪ I like it, uh-huh, uh-huh ♪ 91 00:03:25,123 --> 00:03:26,290 Wow. Fuzzy jell-o. 92 00:03:27,875 --> 00:03:29,544 ♪ Do a little dance, uhh, uhh ♪ 93 00:03:29,627 --> 00:03:31,129 ♪ Make a little love, uhh, uhh ♪ 94 00:03:31,212 --> 00:03:32,964 ♪ Get down tonight, uhh, uhh ♪ 95 00:03:33,047 --> 00:03:34,716 ♪ Get down tonight, oh ♪ 96 00:03:34,799 --> 00:03:36,551 ♪ Do a little dance, uhh, uhh ♪ 97 00:03:36,634 --> 00:03:38,136 ♪ Make a little love, uhh, uhh ♪ 98 00:03:38,219 --> 00:03:39,887 ♪ Get down tonight, uhh, uhh ♪ 99 00:03:39,971 --> 00:03:41,514 ♪ Get down tonight ♪ 100 00:03:41,597 --> 00:03:42,598 [screams] 101 00:03:44,350 --> 00:03:46,269 Jules! 102 00:03:46,352 --> 00:03:47,729 Jules! 103 00:03:47,812 --> 00:03:49,355 Hey-hey-hey, buddy. 104 00:03:50,815 --> 00:03:53,359 You don't fly, do you? 105 00:03:53,443 --> 00:03:56,696 Didn't I flush you down the toilet 30 years ago? 106 00:03:56,779 --> 00:03:58,531 What is it, Drew buddy? 107 00:03:59,741 --> 00:04:02,160 [sighs] I believe this belongs to you. 108 00:04:02,243 --> 00:04:03,161 Oh, man. 109 00:04:03,244 --> 00:04:05,329 Harley. Harley. 110 00:04:05,413 --> 00:04:07,915 Go home. 111 00:04:07,999 --> 00:04:09,417 Home. 112 00:04:09,500 --> 00:04:11,919 Harley. Home. 113 00:04:12,003 --> 00:04:13,337 Man, is he stubborn. 114 00:04:13,421 --> 00:04:14,756 That's the third time this week! 115 00:04:14,839 --> 00:04:16,340 You said you were gonna get a cage for him. 116 00:04:16,424 --> 00:04:20,720 You know, Drew... we try to be good neighbors. 117 00:04:24,056 --> 00:04:24,974 But you know, it's like 118 00:04:25,057 --> 00:04:26,768 you get rattled over every little thing. 119 00:04:26,851 --> 00:04:30,104 I got a six foot lizard on my pool table! 120 00:04:30,188 --> 00:04:33,775 What kind of weirdo puts a pool table outside? 121 00:04:33,858 --> 00:04:37,779 That's just asking for lizards. 122 00:04:37,862 --> 00:04:39,572 I'm sorry, Jules. I'll keep that in mind. 123 00:04:42,658 --> 00:04:43,910 Whatever happened to normal pets 124 00:04:43,993 --> 00:04:46,287 like hamsters and bats? 125 00:04:46,370 --> 00:04:48,372 [banging and yelling] 126 00:04:49,415 --> 00:04:51,459 [Kate yelling] Help! Open up! 127 00:04:51,542 --> 00:04:52,710 [Oswald] Now, go back! Yuck! 128 00:04:52,794 --> 00:04:54,378 [Kate] Oh! Ecch! Ugh! Jeez. 129 00:04:54,462 --> 00:04:55,922 God! Ugh. Uhh! 130 00:04:56,005 --> 00:04:57,423 Hey, Jules! 131 00:04:57,507 --> 00:05:00,885 Tell your monkey to quit whipping his crap at my friends! 132 00:05:04,889 --> 00:05:07,391 It's like living in a Hitchcock movie, this damn house. 133 00:05:09,018 --> 00:05:11,646 So, what do you guys want to see tonight? 134 00:05:11,729 --> 00:05:14,607 Anything but romance or pauly shore. 135 00:05:14,690 --> 00:05:15,983 I don't get it. 136 00:05:16,067 --> 00:05:18,027 What's wrong with romance? 137 00:05:18,110 --> 00:05:19,028 Nothing's wrong with romance. 138 00:05:19,111 --> 00:05:21,989 I'll see a romantic movie as long as there's blood 139 00:05:22,073 --> 00:05:24,325 and everybody gets blown up at the end. 140 00:05:24,408 --> 00:05:26,744 Let's see. We got a couple of choices here then, uh... 141 00:05:26,828 --> 00:05:28,246 "Headless in Seattle" 142 00:05:28,329 --> 00:05:31,833 or "The Way We Were Before You Blew Us Up." 143 00:05:31,916 --> 00:05:34,460 What's wrong with you? 144 00:05:34,544 --> 00:05:35,962 I'm sorry. I just can't stop thinking 145 00:05:36,045 --> 00:05:37,547 about that party this morning. 146 00:05:37,630 --> 00:05:39,048 Most of the girls I went to school with 147 00:05:39,131 --> 00:05:40,675 are either married or getting married. 148 00:05:40,758 --> 00:05:42,927 And I guess it's starting to kind of bug me. 149 00:05:43,010 --> 00:05:44,095 Most of the guys I went to school with 150 00:05:44,178 --> 00:05:45,221 are either fat or getting fat. 151 00:05:45,304 --> 00:05:46,931 You don't see me crying about it. 152 00:05:48,808 --> 00:05:50,059 Carry on. 153 00:05:51,435 --> 00:05:52,728 I don't think there's any special age 154 00:05:52,812 --> 00:05:54,105 you have to get married. 155 00:05:54,188 --> 00:05:55,773 I mean, I think it's when you meet the right person. 156 00:05:55,857 --> 00:05:57,066 You know? 157 00:05:57,149 --> 00:06:00,403 I mean, 50% of all marriages in America end in failure. 158 00:06:00,486 --> 00:06:02,697 A person gets hit by a car every ten minutes. 159 00:06:02,780 --> 00:06:07,243 2 1/2 acres of rain forest disappear every second. 160 00:06:07,326 --> 00:06:09,287 What are you trying to say? 161 00:06:09,370 --> 00:06:12,248 I got to stop sleeping with the TV on. 162 00:06:12,331 --> 00:06:14,584 Come on. You could get a husband like that. 163 00:06:14,667 --> 00:06:15,793 Yeah. Please. 164 00:06:15,877 --> 00:06:17,086 I don't need a husband. 165 00:06:17,169 --> 00:06:18,880 I just want a wedding. 166 00:06:20,172 --> 00:06:21,007 I don't want a husband either. 167 00:06:21,090 --> 00:06:22,508 I just want someone to appreciate 168 00:06:22,592 --> 00:06:24,635 how hard I work around this house. 169 00:06:24,719 --> 00:06:25,553 Ohh. 170 00:06:25,636 --> 00:06:28,222 You guys don't get it. 171 00:06:28,306 --> 00:06:29,390 When I was a little girl, 172 00:06:29,473 --> 00:06:32,768 I saw myself getting married in a big church 173 00:06:32,852 --> 00:06:34,353 filled with beautiful flowers, 174 00:06:34,437 --> 00:06:36,188 wearing a white wedding dress, 175 00:06:36,272 --> 00:06:39,191 and I saw myself at the altar 176 00:06:39,275 --> 00:06:42,445 next to, um, David Cassidy. 177 00:06:42,528 --> 00:06:44,780 Kate, don't worry about it. 178 00:06:44,864 --> 00:06:46,282 I mean, look at the bride of Frankenstein. 179 00:06:46,365 --> 00:06:48,367 She got married after she was dead. 180 00:06:48,451 --> 00:06:49,994 There's still hope for you. 181 00:06:50,018 --> 00:06:51,096 [chuckles] 182 00:06:51,120 --> 00:06:53,623 Huh? You know what? You're right. 183 00:06:53,706 --> 00:06:54,916 Here I am, sitting with my friends 184 00:06:54,999 --> 00:06:55,917 feeling sorry for myself. 185 00:06:56,000 --> 00:06:56,918 Mm-hmm. 186 00:06:57,001 --> 00:06:57,919 I could do this at home. 187 00:06:58,002 --> 00:06:59,003 - Sure. - Bye. 188 00:07:00,713 --> 00:07:01,756 Aw, Kate. 189 00:07:03,382 --> 00:07:05,384 Hey, uh, you sure you're okay? 190 00:07:05,468 --> 00:07:06,636 Yeah, I'm fine. 191 00:07:06,719 --> 00:07:08,095 If you want, you can take my raincoat. 192 00:07:08,179 --> 00:07:10,556 You know, in case Bobo had a big breakfast. 193 00:07:10,640 --> 00:07:12,850 Thanks. 194 00:07:12,934 --> 00:07:13,976 Boy, she's really out of her mind 195 00:07:14,060 --> 00:07:15,227 with this whole wedding thing. 196 00:07:15,311 --> 00:07:18,856 I mean, I want to get married... in theory. 197 00:07:18,940 --> 00:07:20,816 You know, we all want to get married in a perfect world. 198 00:07:20,900 --> 00:07:21,901 [chuckles] 199 00:07:21,984 --> 00:07:25,321 Marriage is great... hypothetically. 200 00:07:26,447 --> 00:07:27,907 We're all scared, kid. 201 00:07:27,990 --> 00:07:31,661 Anybody who says different's a damn liar. 202 00:07:31,744 --> 00:07:33,371 Hoo-hoo. Hoo-hoo. 203 00:07:33,454 --> 00:07:35,539 Hoo-hoo. Hoo-hoo. 204 00:07:35,623 --> 00:07:38,042 Stop that. You're freakin' me out. 205 00:07:38,125 --> 00:07:40,628 I'm talking about Kate here. 206 00:07:40,711 --> 00:07:42,964 Oh, she's just freaked out about the ceremony. 207 00:07:43,047 --> 00:07:45,132 I don't even think about the ceremony, 208 00:07:45,216 --> 00:07:46,509 you know, except when I was dating Jackie. 209 00:07:46,592 --> 00:07:47,677 We did actually talk about getting married 210 00:07:47,760 --> 00:07:49,720 in the flower garden in her parents' backyard. 211 00:07:49,804 --> 00:07:52,473 And then you know, later on when we could afford it, 212 00:07:52,556 --> 00:07:55,893 we'd have a real ceremony in Vegas. 213 00:07:55,977 --> 00:08:00,189 You know, Elvis impersonator, the whole shebang. 214 00:08:00,272 --> 00:08:02,650 Man, between you and Kate, you two should get married. 215 00:08:02,733 --> 00:08:04,360 Hey, you know, when I was in college, 216 00:08:04,443 --> 00:08:05,695 there was this fraternity 217 00:08:05,778 --> 00:08:07,989 that used to do this shotgun wedding party every spring. 218 00:08:08,072 --> 00:08:09,031 Man, I'm telling you, it was huge. 219 00:08:09,115 --> 00:08:11,033 It was like a big gag ceremony. 220 00:08:11,117 --> 00:08:12,201 Kate would be the center of attention. 221 00:08:12,284 --> 00:08:13,202 Boy, she'd love it. 222 00:08:13,285 --> 00:08:14,453 That's perfect. 223 00:08:14,537 --> 00:08:15,997 That could really cheer Kate right up. 224 00:08:16,080 --> 00:08:17,873 Okay. All we need is a wedding dress, 225 00:08:17,957 --> 00:08:19,625 some handcuffs, and some flowers. 226 00:08:19,709 --> 00:08:21,919 Hey! I got all that stuff in my trunk. 227 00:08:23,379 --> 00:08:24,880 And Drew, as the lucky groom, 228 00:08:24,964 --> 00:08:26,799 you get to provide your own tux. 229 00:08:26,882 --> 00:08:29,802 Oh, man. Maybe I could fit into my prom tux. 230 00:08:30,085 --> 00:08:32,463 I'd like to wear it once. 231 00:08:32,987 --> 00:08:34,987 [instrumental music] 232 00:08:41,856 --> 00:08:42,773 Hi, Mimi. 233 00:08:42,857 --> 00:08:44,233 Hi, pig. 234 00:08:48,154 --> 00:08:49,238 Ding-ding- ding-ding-ding. 235 00:08:49,321 --> 00:08:50,614 "Hi, pig." 236 00:08:56,287 --> 00:08:57,747 Drew, you got a minute? 237 00:08:57,830 --> 00:08:59,707 Ed, you new dad you. 238 00:08:59,790 --> 00:09:01,333 Don't tell me. Baby pictures. 239 00:09:01,417 --> 00:09:02,376 Hey, can't get enough of those. 240 00:09:02,460 --> 00:09:04,879 'Cause you know, babies look so different. 241 00:09:04,962 --> 00:09:06,464 No pictures, Drew. I got a problem. 242 00:09:06,547 --> 00:09:07,631 Well, you know, if you're having any trouble 243 00:09:07,715 --> 00:09:08,716 coming up with a name, 244 00:09:08,799 --> 00:09:10,885 I, uh, I did fire you, and all. 245 00:09:10,968 --> 00:09:12,553 We gave him a name, Chan, 246 00:09:12,636 --> 00:09:15,097 after the guy my wife had an affair with. 247 00:09:15,181 --> 00:09:16,057 What? 248 00:09:16,140 --> 00:09:17,349 The baby's Chinese. 249 00:09:17,433 --> 00:09:19,018 And your wife isn't? 250 00:09:19,101 --> 00:09:22,521 Are you kidding? She won't even eat mandarin oranges. 251 00:09:22,605 --> 00:09:24,607 Ed, I don't know what to say. 252 00:09:24,690 --> 00:09:26,776 This is unbelievable. 253 00:09:26,859 --> 00:09:28,194 I wish there was something I could do. 254 00:09:28,277 --> 00:09:29,779 Give me my job back. 255 00:09:29,862 --> 00:09:31,113 Whoa, Ed, even if I wanted to, 256 00:09:31,197 --> 00:09:32,948 the position's already been filled. 257 00:09:33,032 --> 00:09:35,034 It's been less than a week. Who'd you hire? 258 00:09:35,117 --> 00:09:38,537 Oh, some guy named Wong. 259 00:09:40,122 --> 00:09:41,499 Anyway, I'd love to help you, 260 00:09:41,582 --> 00:09:43,793 but I put my butt on the line for you the first time. 261 00:09:43,876 --> 00:09:45,920 I just can't go back there and undo it. 262 00:09:46,003 --> 00:09:48,214 Fine, Mr. Rules Guy. If you need me, 263 00:09:48,297 --> 00:09:49,840 I'll be living in a cardboard box. 264 00:09:49,924 --> 00:09:52,134 If I'm not there, try the gun shop. 265 00:09:52,218 --> 00:09:54,011 After that, just watch the news. 266 00:09:55,179 --> 00:09:56,472 Whoa. Hey, wait a minute. 267 00:09:56,555 --> 00:09:57,640 I'll see what I can do. 268 00:09:57,723 --> 00:09:59,016 No promises, okay, but I'll... 269 00:09:59,100 --> 00:10:01,977 Look, I spend a lot of time 270 00:10:02,061 --> 00:10:03,437 talking to my employees about their problems, 271 00:10:03,521 --> 00:10:04,814 and what happened to you 272 00:10:04,897 --> 00:10:06,065 isn't so out of the ordinary. 273 00:10:06,148 --> 00:10:08,818 I mean, sure, you gave up a job you didn't have to 274 00:10:08,901 --> 00:10:10,820 and your wife had somebody else's baby... 275 00:10:12,154 --> 00:10:14,156 Well, we'll see you around, buddy. 276 00:10:17,493 --> 00:10:18,452 Hey. So where's Kate? 277 00:10:18,536 --> 00:10:19,787 [Claps hands] Man, this is gonna be great. 278 00:10:19,870 --> 00:10:22,790 She's in the bridal department putting on the dress. 279 00:10:22,873 --> 00:10:25,292 She thinks I'm driving her to a catalog photo shoot. 280 00:10:25,376 --> 00:10:26,877 How'd you get the dress? 281 00:10:26,961 --> 00:10:28,629 The same way I got the big-screen TV 282 00:10:28,712 --> 00:10:30,464 for when Saved By The Bell went to France. 283 00:10:32,383 --> 00:10:34,844 I bought it, and i'm taking it back tomorrow. 284 00:10:36,470 --> 00:10:37,638 Oh, hello. 285 00:10:37,721 --> 00:10:39,140 [imitates alarm] 286 00:10:39,223 --> 00:10:40,516 Dive, dive. 287 00:10:40,599 --> 00:10:43,018 - Check you out, baby. - Whoo! 288 00:10:43,102 --> 00:10:45,020 I'm so lucky that model got sick. 289 00:10:45,104 --> 00:10:47,439 That will teach her to eat twice in one day. 290 00:10:49,066 --> 00:10:51,360 What are you guys doing here? 291 00:10:53,487 --> 00:10:54,905 We're modeling, too. Yeah. 292 00:10:54,989 --> 00:10:59,326 We're gonna be, uh... we're, uh... 293 00:10:59,410 --> 00:11:02,538 what are we gonna be, Oswald? 294 00:11:02,621 --> 00:11:03,664 - Bears. - Bears. 295 00:11:03,747 --> 00:11:06,584 Wait a sec--what are you doing? 296 00:11:06,667 --> 00:11:09,378 Oh! Put me down! Knock it off! 297 00:11:09,461 --> 00:11:12,381 [grunts] Oh! I've really got to get some girlfriends. 298 00:11:17,052 --> 00:11:19,013 [Polka John playing] 299 00:11:24,810 --> 00:11:27,479 [cheering] 300 00:11:27,563 --> 00:11:29,190 All rise. 301 00:11:29,273 --> 00:11:30,649 [Bridal March plays] 302 00:11:32,067 --> 00:11:34,028 Boy, am I glad I didn't tell you guys 303 00:11:34,111 --> 00:11:36,322 I wanted a baby. 304 00:11:36,405 --> 00:11:37,573 What are you looking at? 305 00:11:37,656 --> 00:11:39,033 You never saw a bride in handcuffs 306 00:11:39,116 --> 00:11:40,784 walk down the aisle to polka music before? 307 00:11:40,868 --> 00:11:42,786 Where the hell have you been? 308 00:11:42,870 --> 00:11:44,121 Hey, look at me! I'm getting married! 309 00:11:45,539 --> 00:11:47,958 Before we begin, one quick announcement. 310 00:11:48,042 --> 00:11:49,293 The happy couple has made their selections 311 00:11:49,376 --> 00:11:51,170 in the Warsaw Tavern Bridal Registry. 312 00:11:51,253 --> 00:11:52,713 Nothing in cans, bottles only. 313 00:11:52,796 --> 00:11:55,090 Also, if anyone's interested in an '84 Ford Escort, 314 00:11:55,174 --> 00:11:57,760 see me after. Padre. 315 00:11:57,843 --> 00:11:59,094 Thank you. 316 00:11:59,178 --> 00:12:02,014 Marriage. The final frontier. 317 00:12:02,097 --> 00:12:03,390 We are gathered here 318 00:12:03,474 --> 00:12:06,936 not only to witness the humiliation of our friend Kate, 319 00:12:07,019 --> 00:12:08,854 but hopefully sell a car 320 00:12:08,938 --> 00:12:10,940 and, who knows, maybe a used snow blower. 321 00:12:11,023 --> 00:12:13,400 50 bucks. Clean. 322 00:12:13,484 --> 00:12:16,153 [Cheering] 323 00:12:16,237 --> 00:12:19,073 Drew Carey... are you prepared to enter 324 00:12:19,156 --> 00:12:22,076 into this state of holy acrimony with Kate O'Brien, 325 00:12:22,159 --> 00:12:24,828 to drink with her, to cleave to her, 326 00:12:24,912 --> 00:12:28,499 to boldly go where at least 20 or 30 men have gone before? 327 00:12:28,582 --> 00:12:29,917 Wait, wait. 328 00:12:30,000 --> 00:12:32,503 Single digits, please. 329 00:12:32,586 --> 00:12:35,339 Hey, look at me. I'm getting married. 330 00:12:35,422 --> 00:12:36,715 They can't believe it either, Drew. 331 00:12:36,799 --> 00:12:39,343 Would you now please place the beer in her hand? 332 00:12:43,013 --> 00:12:44,640 And you, Kate O'Brien, 333 00:12:44,723 --> 00:12:48,102 are you prepared to wed Drew, to bed Drew, 334 00:12:48,185 --> 00:12:50,479 to boldly go where no woman has gone willingly 335 00:12:50,562 --> 00:12:51,814 without the promise of a free dinner 336 00:12:51,897 --> 00:12:53,565 or cold, hard cash. 337 00:12:55,109 --> 00:12:56,610 I've had worse. 338 00:12:56,694 --> 00:12:59,029 [cheering] 339 00:13:00,322 --> 00:13:02,700 20 or 30 guys. Yuck. 340 00:13:05,286 --> 00:13:07,288 Let's get on with it. I'm losing my buzz. 341 00:13:07,371 --> 00:13:09,084 Drew Carey... 342 00:13:09,204 --> 00:13:12,001 do you take Kate to be your unlawfully wedded wife? 343 00:13:12,084 --> 00:13:13,419 Ow! 344 00:13:13,502 --> 00:13:15,170 Good enough. And you, Kate, 345 00:13:15,254 --> 00:13:17,506 will you please take Drew as is, 346 00:13:17,589 --> 00:13:19,174 no refunds, all sales final, 347 00:13:19,258 --> 00:13:21,635 store credit with receipt only. 348 00:13:21,719 --> 00:13:23,429 Do you have anything in my size? 349 00:13:25,055 --> 00:13:26,432 Is there any reason why these two 350 00:13:26,515 --> 00:13:27,725 should not be joined together? 351 00:13:27,808 --> 00:13:29,977 [Crowd] Yeah! 352 00:13:30,060 --> 00:13:31,395 Well, since there are no objections, 353 00:13:31,478 --> 00:13:32,771 I'd like to remind the bride 354 00:13:32,855 --> 00:13:34,189 before we take the handcuffs off 355 00:13:34,273 --> 00:13:36,025 that we only did this to make her happy 356 00:13:36,108 --> 00:13:38,152 and it was all Drew's idea. 357 00:13:38,235 --> 00:13:41,864 With that said, I now pronounce you drunk and disorderly. 358 00:13:41,947 --> 00:13:45,409 You may now kiss my ass. 359 00:13:45,492 --> 00:13:47,036 [band plays polka] 360 00:14:04,511 --> 00:14:05,846 [band plays slow polka] 361 00:14:08,098 --> 00:14:10,476 Hey, I thought we registered for a service for eight. 362 00:14:10,559 --> 00:14:12,186 You got cheap friends, what do you want? 363 00:14:12,269 --> 00:14:14,980 Hey, another gift from the boys at the bar. 364 00:14:16,690 --> 00:14:18,108 Boy, you can never have too many of these. 365 00:14:18,192 --> 00:14:19,193 Yeah. 366 00:14:19,276 --> 00:14:20,110 Hey, honey! 367 00:14:20,194 --> 00:14:21,862 A little something for the den! 368 00:14:23,614 --> 00:14:25,866 Oh, you're a lucky man, Drew Carey. 369 00:14:25,949 --> 00:14:27,576 You really picked yourself a winner there. 370 00:14:27,659 --> 00:14:29,411 Yep. Kate cleans up pretty good. 371 00:14:29,495 --> 00:14:31,330 Why do you think Kate's not married, for real? 372 00:14:31,413 --> 00:14:33,165 'Cause she dates losers. 373 00:14:33,248 --> 00:14:34,208 She's demanding. 374 00:14:34,291 --> 00:14:36,168 She's bossy. 375 00:14:36,251 --> 00:14:37,628 She hits. 376 00:14:40,839 --> 00:14:42,049 Yeah, I guess. 377 00:14:42,132 --> 00:14:43,384 You ever wonder why, uh, 378 00:14:43,467 --> 00:14:45,052 one of us never married Kate? 379 00:14:45,135 --> 00:14:46,804 It would be like marrying your sister. 380 00:14:46,887 --> 00:14:49,723 Hey, some countries, they do that. 381 00:14:49,807 --> 00:14:51,266 I've always thought we were saving her, 382 00:14:51,350 --> 00:14:52,976 you know, just in case. 383 00:14:53,060 --> 00:14:55,521 It is kind of weird though that none of us ever dated her. 384 00:14:55,604 --> 00:14:57,022 I mean, especially you, Drew. 385 00:14:58,190 --> 00:15:01,276 I guess I was too busy fantasizing about Oswald's mom. 386 00:15:02,486 --> 00:15:03,737 Yeah. Your mom was hot. 387 00:15:03,821 --> 00:15:04,905 Shut up. 388 00:15:04,988 --> 00:15:07,616 Jazzercising in her little disco shorts. 389 00:15:07,699 --> 00:15:09,618 Yeah, well, maybe I watched your mom, too, 390 00:15:09,701 --> 00:15:12,162 in her big polyester pantsuit mowing the lawn. 391 00:15:14,456 --> 00:15:16,458 Well, I guess that's the reason why 392 00:15:16,542 --> 00:15:17,501 we never dated Kate. 393 00:15:17,584 --> 00:15:18,502 How about you? 394 00:15:18,585 --> 00:15:20,003 She knew me too well. 395 00:15:20,087 --> 00:15:21,463 But I did carry her eighth-grade picture 396 00:15:21,547 --> 00:15:23,006 around with me in my wallet. 397 00:15:23,090 --> 00:15:25,467 I told everybody she was my girlfriend. 398 00:15:25,551 --> 00:15:26,468 It was kind of sweet back then, 399 00:15:26,552 --> 00:15:29,179 but now I get the weirdest looks. 400 00:15:29,263 --> 00:15:30,597 I had that picture, with the lip gloss, 401 00:15:30,681 --> 00:15:31,682 the mouth slightly parted. 402 00:15:31,765 --> 00:15:32,683 - Yeah. - Uh-huh. 403 00:15:32,766 --> 00:15:34,143 Eighth grade was a good year for Kate. 404 00:15:34,226 --> 00:15:36,437 I know. Ha ha ha! 405 00:15:36,520 --> 00:15:37,980 [whistles] 406 00:15:41,984 --> 00:15:43,360 You know why none of us ever dated Kate? 407 00:15:43,444 --> 00:15:44,528 No. 408 00:15:44,611 --> 00:15:45,946 Because she never showed 409 00:15:46,029 --> 00:15:48,323 the slightest romantic interest in any of us. 410 00:15:48,407 --> 00:15:50,659 I don't know. I kissed her once. 411 00:15:50,742 --> 00:15:52,077 What? 412 00:15:52,161 --> 00:15:53,454 I did. Grade six. 413 00:15:53,537 --> 00:15:55,247 She had mono, and she dared me. 414 00:15:56,331 --> 00:15:57,541 Still counts. 415 00:15:57,624 --> 00:15:58,709 Mm-hmm. 416 00:16:00,669 --> 00:16:04,882 I, uh... I saw Kate naked once. 417 00:16:04,965 --> 00:16:06,258 - What? - Get out of here. 418 00:16:06,341 --> 00:16:08,552 How much a thing like that cost you? 419 00:16:09,761 --> 00:16:11,305 Nothing. She was 16. 420 00:16:11,388 --> 00:16:12,723 16? 421 00:16:12,806 --> 00:16:14,349 Yeah. We were up in her house 422 00:16:14,433 --> 00:16:16,018 up in her bedroom, and, uh, bam! 423 00:16:16,101 --> 00:16:17,394 She changed right in front of me. 424 00:16:17,478 --> 00:16:18,896 Wow. I have a theory. 425 00:16:18,979 --> 00:16:20,564 Is she real hairy? 426 00:16:22,107 --> 00:16:23,275 Well, she wasn't then. 427 00:16:23,358 --> 00:16:25,319 The point is, she changed in front of me 428 00:16:25,402 --> 00:16:26,445 like I wasn't even there. Hmm. 429 00:16:26,528 --> 00:16:27,529 That's when I realized 430 00:16:27,613 --> 00:16:28,947 she didn't even see me as a guy. 431 00:16:29,031 --> 00:16:30,324 Aah. That's gotta hurt. 432 00:16:30,407 --> 00:16:32,493 Yeah. Sorry, man. 433 00:16:32,576 --> 00:16:33,494 Still counts, though. 434 00:16:33,977 --> 00:16:35,370 - You bet it does. - Hey, yeah. 435 00:16:35,894 --> 00:16:37,894 [instrumental music] 436 00:16:38,916 --> 00:16:39,917 [Kate] Whoo! 437 00:16:40,000 --> 00:16:41,502 What a rush! 438 00:16:41,585 --> 00:16:44,546 Now I know why dogs do it! 439 00:16:46,590 --> 00:16:48,008 First ride in a limo, Kate? 440 00:16:48,091 --> 00:16:50,385 Actually, it's my second, 441 00:16:50,469 --> 00:16:51,470 but my mom wouldn't let me do that 442 00:16:51,553 --> 00:16:52,554 at grandpa's funeral. 443 00:16:54,556 --> 00:16:56,767 Why'd you guys do all this anyway? 444 00:16:56,850 --> 00:16:57,893 Well, you know, you seemed kind of depressed 445 00:16:57,976 --> 00:16:59,019 about having a wedding and all, 446 00:16:59,102 --> 00:17:00,395 so we figured a little public humiliation 447 00:17:00,479 --> 00:17:02,231 was just what the doctor ordered. 448 00:17:02,314 --> 00:17:05,275 You're the best. Are we really going to Morton's? 449 00:17:05,359 --> 00:17:07,778 I can't wait to walk in looking like this. 450 00:17:07,861 --> 00:17:10,447 Yeah. Hope I don't clash with the maitre d's hair. 451 00:17:12,241 --> 00:17:13,951 Hey, uh, listen, um... 452 00:17:14,034 --> 00:17:16,745 Oswald and Lewis were kind of wondering 453 00:17:16,828 --> 00:17:18,247 why you never got serious with either of them. 454 00:17:18,330 --> 00:17:19,957 Or you know, any of us, really. 455 00:17:20,040 --> 00:17:21,458 Are you kidding? 456 00:17:21,542 --> 00:17:24,086 [scoffs] I totally would've. 457 00:17:24,169 --> 00:17:26,463 I just didn't want to compete with Oswald's mom. 458 00:17:26,546 --> 00:17:29,508 She had the serious hots for you and Lewis. 459 00:17:29,591 --> 00:17:31,510 You're kidding? Oh, my God. 460 00:17:31,593 --> 00:17:34,137 We were just talking ab-- oh, you're kidding. 461 00:17:36,473 --> 00:17:37,558 So... 462 00:17:39,101 --> 00:17:42,843 Did, any of you... you know, 463 00:17:42,936 --> 00:17:44,565 ever have a little crush on me? 464 00:17:44,648 --> 00:17:46,775 Maybe, you know, when we were teenagers. 465 00:17:46,858 --> 00:17:47,985 And? 466 00:17:48,068 --> 00:17:49,695 Then we discovered my brother's magazines, 467 00:17:49,778 --> 00:17:51,238 and you became obsolete. 468 00:17:52,656 --> 00:17:54,866 Come on. We practically hung out together 469 00:17:54,950 --> 00:17:55,867 all the time. 470 00:17:55,951 --> 00:17:57,869 You practically lived at my house. 471 00:17:57,953 --> 00:17:59,913 Yeah, maybe a little more than I should have. 472 00:17:59,997 --> 00:18:01,456 What do you mean? 473 00:18:01,540 --> 00:18:03,250 Well, you know, there was that time you, uh... 474 00:18:03,333 --> 00:18:05,877 changed your clothes right in front of me. 475 00:18:05,961 --> 00:18:07,421 I did what? 476 00:18:07,504 --> 00:18:09,423 We were sixteen, and you changed right in front of me 477 00:18:09,506 --> 00:18:12,426 like I was the chair, then I walked home crying. 478 00:18:12,509 --> 00:18:14,261 No, no. Don't feel bad. 479 00:18:15,887 --> 00:18:16,972 Then I wrote you a little letter, 480 00:18:17,055 --> 00:18:20,434 which I accidentally mailed to my grandma. 481 00:18:20,517 --> 00:18:21,810 She wrote me back saying 482 00:18:21,893 --> 00:18:24,062 that she loved me, too, you know, but not in that way. 483 00:18:26,231 --> 00:18:28,734 Drew, I'm so sorry. 484 00:18:28,817 --> 00:18:29,943 Wow. 485 00:18:30,027 --> 00:18:32,946 You actually thought about me like that. 486 00:18:33,030 --> 00:18:34,448 That's so weird. 487 00:18:34,531 --> 00:18:35,699 Oh, I don't know. 488 00:18:35,782 --> 00:18:37,200 I don't think it would have been, you know, so bad 489 00:18:37,284 --> 00:18:41,204 if we'd actually done this, you know, gotten together. 490 00:18:45,042 --> 00:18:47,502 Oh, my God. I've got hives! 491 00:18:47,586 --> 00:18:50,088 Oh, my God. You're covered with... 492 00:18:50,172 --> 00:18:52,507 Driver, take us to Metro General right away. 493 00:18:52,591 --> 00:18:55,802 Hey! Out of the way! We got a sick woman here! 494 00:18:55,886 --> 00:18:57,512 Whoo-whoo-whoo-whoo! 495 00:18:57,596 --> 00:18:59,139 Whoo-whoo-whoo-whoo! 496 00:18:59,222 --> 00:19:00,432 Whoo-whoo-whoo-whoo! 497 00:19:00,456 --> 00:19:02,456 [instrumental music] 498 00:19:10,067 --> 00:19:12,361 Hey, Drew. I heard you got married last night. 499 00:19:12,444 --> 00:19:13,737 Oh, no, not really. It was just a-- 500 00:19:13,820 --> 00:19:15,364 Oh, hey, I don't mind not being invited. 501 00:19:15,447 --> 00:19:18,492 I'm just, uh, glad a guy like you could find somebody. 502 00:19:18,575 --> 00:19:20,160 Here. 503 00:19:20,243 --> 00:19:21,828 Hey, thanks. 504 00:19:21,912 --> 00:19:23,080 I'll invite you to the next one. 505 00:19:23,163 --> 00:19:24,706 Shouldn't be too long. I gave the bride hives. 506 00:19:24,790 --> 00:19:25,832 But just in case the marriage sticks, 507 00:19:25,916 --> 00:19:27,876 you know, we're still looking for a toaster. 508 00:19:31,922 --> 00:19:33,173 Oh, Drew. 509 00:19:33,256 --> 00:19:34,341 What? 510 00:19:34,424 --> 00:19:36,593 I think can help you with hiring Ed back. 511 00:19:36,677 --> 00:19:38,136 There's an opening in sportswear. 512 00:19:38,220 --> 00:19:40,889 No, there isn't. There will be once you fire Leslie. 513 00:19:40,972 --> 00:19:42,224 Leslie who just had the wedding shower? 514 00:19:42,307 --> 00:19:43,558 But she's on her honeymoon. 515 00:19:43,642 --> 00:19:44,976 Courtesy of Winfred-Louder. 516 00:19:45,060 --> 00:19:47,229 We caught her on camera stealing cash 517 00:19:47,312 --> 00:19:51,942 and a bikini that I could use as an eye patch. 518 00:19:52,025 --> 00:19:53,527 Great, all you need is a hook hand and a peg leg. 519 00:19:53,610 --> 00:19:55,112 The outfit will be complete. 520 00:19:55,195 --> 00:19:58,365 Here's the number of her hotel in Maui. 521 00:19:58,448 --> 00:20:01,284 Oh, man. I hate to ruin somebody's honeymoon. 522 00:20:01,368 --> 00:20:02,783 Then don't get married. 523 00:20:02,808 --> 00:20:03,941 [laughing] 524 00:20:05,664 --> 00:20:08,750 Drew... ugh! 525 00:20:08,834 --> 00:20:11,545 Drew, we've got to talk about my hives. 526 00:20:11,628 --> 00:20:13,547 I know. I feel terrible. 527 00:20:13,630 --> 00:20:16,174 Oh, God, Drew. You knew! Why didn't you tell me? 528 00:20:16,258 --> 00:20:18,885 It just came out. It's not what you think. 529 00:20:18,969 --> 00:20:21,263 What I think? What are you talking about? 530 00:20:21,346 --> 00:20:22,723 What are you talking about? 531 00:20:22,806 --> 00:20:24,474 Formaldehyde. 532 00:20:24,558 --> 00:20:27,144 They found formaldehyde on this dress. 533 00:20:27,227 --> 00:20:29,980 You know the store's "We'll take anything back" policy? 534 00:20:30,063 --> 00:20:31,231 Know it? I'm using it to trade 535 00:20:31,314 --> 00:20:33,316 whatever this piece of crap is in for a toaster. 536 00:20:33,400 --> 00:20:35,444 Drew, someone bought that dress before you 537 00:20:35,527 --> 00:20:37,738 and used it in a funeral. 538 00:20:37,821 --> 00:20:39,823 Oh, my God. That's horrible. 539 00:20:39,906 --> 00:20:41,742 Then they had whatever sick and perverse ceremony 540 00:20:41,825 --> 00:20:45,912 someone who would put a wedding dress on a corpse has and returned it. 541 00:20:45,996 --> 00:20:48,373 Drew, the dress came back from the dead! 542 00:20:50,500 --> 00:20:52,919 Well, you know, it's not like she wore it out. 543 00:20:53,795 --> 00:20:56,131 Hello? Person who wore the death dress 544 00:20:56,214 --> 00:20:57,841 and got hives from it here. 545 00:20:57,924 --> 00:21:00,510 I'm sorry. It's just I'm so relieved. 546 00:21:00,594 --> 00:21:01,762 You'll never, ha ha... 547 00:21:01,845 --> 00:21:04,556 never guess what I thought gave you the hives. 548 00:21:04,639 --> 00:21:05,640 What? 549 00:21:05,724 --> 00:21:08,143 I thought it was from what I said to you in the limo. 550 00:21:08,226 --> 00:21:09,770 You know, about us getting together. 551 00:21:09,853 --> 00:21:12,147 I didn't really mean what you thought I meant. 552 00:21:12,230 --> 00:21:14,107 That's not what I thought you meant. 553 00:21:14,191 --> 00:21:16,777 It just, uh, kinda came out. 554 00:21:16,860 --> 00:21:18,195 You know, I'm not, uh, 555 00:21:18,278 --> 00:21:19,863 it's not like I've been waiting for you my whole life. 556 00:21:19,946 --> 00:21:22,949 I'm just waiting for that one great love I haven't found. 557 00:21:23,033 --> 00:21:26,203 - Yet. - Yet. 558 00:21:26,286 --> 00:21:31,166 Drew, I should be so lucky to marry someone like you, 559 00:21:31,249 --> 00:21:33,126 but not you. 560 00:21:33,210 --> 00:21:35,837 And I should be so lucky as to marry someone 561 00:21:35,921 --> 00:21:40,258 like Anna Nicole Smith... you know, but her. 562 00:21:43,261 --> 00:21:46,014 So, uh, we never have to talk about this again? 563 00:21:46,097 --> 00:21:47,849 I hope not. 564 00:21:47,933 --> 00:21:49,309 Good. 'Cause i'm starting to itch. 565 00:21:49,392 --> 00:21:52,646 Now, uh, why don't you go do whatever you undead do. 566 00:21:52,729 --> 00:21:53,939 I got to make a phone call. 567 00:21:54,022 --> 00:21:55,440 Later. 568 00:22:03,281 --> 00:22:04,699 Hello, Maui Suites? 569 00:22:04,783 --> 00:22:06,701 Well, Mahalo to you, too. 570 00:22:06,785 --> 00:22:07,994 Listen, I'd like to leave a message 571 00:22:08,078 --> 00:22:09,162 for Ms. Leslie Burke. 572 00:22:09,246 --> 00:22:10,539 Uh-huh. You got a pen ready? 573 00:22:10,622 --> 00:22:11,998 Good. 574 00:22:12,082 --> 00:22:15,585 "Dear Leslie, "they say that vacations end too soon. 575 00:22:15,669 --> 00:22:17,629 Well, good news!" 576 00:22:22,717 --> 00:22:24,761 Hey, want to play a little Jeopardy!? 577 00:22:24,845 --> 00:22:26,555 Winner gets to eat the loser. 578 00:22:28,139 --> 00:22:29,850 Man, would you look at these categories? 579 00:22:29,933 --> 00:22:32,143 Flies, Prehistoric History, 580 00:22:32,227 --> 00:22:35,272 Protective Coloring, Famous Amphibians. 581 00:22:37,107 --> 00:22:39,860 How about Scrabble? 582 00:22:39,943 --> 00:22:40,861 [sighs] 583 00:22:40,944 --> 00:22:43,405 No, you can't use my computer. 584 00:22:44,781 --> 00:22:46,700 I don't want to make out. 38825

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