All language subtitles for The Drew Carey Show (1995) - S01E04 - The Joining of Two Unlike Elements is a Mixture (720p DVD Upscale x264 8bit AAC 2.0 DJPitaB).eng
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1
00:00:01,961 --> 00:00:03,296
Oh, it's from Drew.
2
00:00:04,422 --> 00:00:08,718
It's a... PBS tote bag.
3
00:00:08,801 --> 00:00:09,886
Oh, nice, Drew.
4
00:00:09,969 --> 00:00:12,847
You get that free for
the minimum donation.
5
00:00:12,931 --> 00:00:15,475
No, you get that when
you buy the watch.
6
00:00:17,101 --> 00:00:19,812
Hey, I got The Three Tenors.
7
00:00:19,896 --> 00:00:21,898
I didn't know that was
in there. Gimme that.
8
00:00:21,981 --> 00:00:25,068
I mean, uh, congratulations.
9
00:00:25,151 --> 00:00:27,445
[Mimi]
Just a little something
for your honeymoon.
10
00:00:27,529 --> 00:00:29,239
If you work up an
appetite, it's edible.
11
00:00:29,322 --> 00:00:31,199
Yeah. There's a bite missing.
12
00:00:34,244 --> 00:00:36,120
This one got
separated from the gift.
13
00:00:36,204 --> 00:00:38,373
I'm still looking for it.
14
00:00:38,456 --> 00:00:39,290
It's from Kate.
15
00:00:39,374 --> 00:00:40,959
Well, wherever
it is, thanks, Kate.
16
00:00:41,042 --> 00:00:42,544
My pleasure. Congratulations.
17
00:00:42,627 --> 00:00:43,670
[applause]
18
00:00:43,753 --> 00:00:45,797
What did you, uh,
What did you get her?
19
00:00:45,880 --> 00:00:48,508
A card with a piece of wrapping
paper taped to the back.
20
00:00:50,385 --> 00:00:52,595
Wow. Next office party,
21
00:00:52,679 --> 00:00:53,805
I'm going in on a gift with you.
22
00:00:53,888 --> 00:00:55,807
Hey, it's my fifth wedding
shower this month
23
00:00:55,890 --> 00:00:57,350
for someone I barely know.
24
00:00:57,433 --> 00:00:58,810
Where's the party
for single people?
25
00:00:58,893 --> 00:01:00,436
Just once, I'd like to
blow out the candles
26
00:01:00,520 --> 00:01:02,105
on a "Yes, I'm not
pregnant" cake.
27
00:01:02,188 --> 00:01:03,398
Easy, Kate. Might want to save
28
00:01:03,481 --> 00:01:05,066
some of that bitterness
for your 40's.
29
00:01:06,359 --> 00:01:07,443
Drew, can I talk to you?
30
00:01:07,527 --> 00:01:08,528
I was just going.
31
00:01:08,611 --> 00:01:09,737
Kate, you know, I
could never find
32
00:01:09,821 --> 00:01:11,573
that gift you gave
me for my baby shower.
33
00:01:11,656 --> 00:01:15,243
Oh. It was that thing they jump,
34
00:01:15,326 --> 00:01:17,412
you know,
walk-run-eat in. The toy.
35
00:01:19,038 --> 00:01:20,331
Oh. Right.
36
00:01:20,415 --> 00:01:21,749
Thanks.
37
00:01:23,042 --> 00:01:24,586
So, what, buddy? How you doin'?
38
00:01:24,669 --> 00:01:26,588
You gotta fire me.
39
00:01:26,671 --> 00:01:28,590
What?
40
00:01:28,673 --> 00:01:31,092
Look, my wife's
expecting any day now,
41
00:01:31,175 --> 00:01:33,469
and I'd love to spend some
time with her and the baby.
42
00:01:33,553 --> 00:01:35,722
We both know I'm not going
anywhere with this job.
43
00:01:35,805 --> 00:01:38,516
I mean, how long can a
guy stay in women's shoes?
44
00:01:39,934 --> 00:01:42,061
Ha ha ha.
45
00:01:42,145 --> 00:01:43,896
Anyway, the only way I
could afford to do this
46
00:01:43,980 --> 00:01:45,690
is by collecting unemployment.
47
00:01:45,773 --> 00:01:46,608
That'd be great.
You could show up
48
00:01:46,691 --> 00:01:50,695
for your kid's career day
with a beer and a TV Guide.
49
00:01:50,778 --> 00:01:51,779
Hey, if the store
had paternity leave,
50
00:01:51,863 --> 00:01:53,781
I wouldn't have
to ask you for this.
51
00:01:53,865 --> 00:01:54,991
So what do you say?
52
00:01:55,074 --> 00:01:56,868
I don't know. This is weird.
53
00:01:56,951 --> 00:01:58,411
Nobody ever asked
to be fired before.
54
00:01:58,494 --> 00:02:00,371
One guy wanted to be
chastised at office meetings,
55
00:02:00,455 --> 00:02:02,832
but, you know,
go deal with that.
56
00:02:02,915 --> 00:02:05,752
Come on, Drew. I'd
fire you in a heartbeat.
57
00:02:07,378 --> 00:02:08,296
There's rules, man.
58
00:02:08,379 --> 00:02:09,756
I could get in trouble for this.
59
00:02:09,839 --> 00:02:11,799
I just can't go firing
people willy-nilly.
60
00:02:11,883 --> 00:02:14,719
Eenie, meenie,
miney, mo. You're fired!
61
00:02:14,802 --> 00:02:16,346
How about if I
had a bad attitude?
62
00:02:16,429 --> 00:02:18,348
Hey, the heck with you, buddy!
63
00:02:22,226 --> 00:02:23,227
How's that?
64
00:02:24,520 --> 00:02:25,480
Oh, man.
65
00:02:25,563 --> 00:02:29,192
Look, I'll fire you for the kid.
66
00:02:29,275 --> 00:02:30,777
What if I just put down, uh,
67
00:02:30,860 --> 00:02:32,779
I don't know, incompetence?
68
00:02:32,862 --> 00:02:34,989
Thanks.
69
00:02:35,073 --> 00:02:36,366
When did you have long hair?
70
00:02:36,449 --> 00:02:38,034
That's my mother.
71
00:02:41,704 --> 00:02:42,705
Better watch it, pal.
72
00:02:42,789 --> 00:02:45,750
You're this close to
getting your job back.
73
00:02:45,833 --> 00:02:47,543
Congratulations, Ed.
74
00:02:47,627 --> 00:02:48,586
You're fired.
75
00:02:48,670 --> 00:02:50,338
Fi-red. Alright.
76
00:02:50,421 --> 00:02:51,422
Wait till I tell my wife.
77
00:02:52,715 --> 00:02:53,633
Wait. There's more.
78
00:02:53,716 --> 00:02:55,426
You only got six months to live.
79
00:02:57,054 --> 00:02:58,054
[theme song]
80
00:02:58,179 --> 00:03:02,225
♪ Moon over Parma, bring
my love to me tonight ♪
81
00:03:02,308 --> 00:03:06,354
♪ Guide her to Cleveland
underneath your silvery light ♪
82
00:03:06,437 --> 00:03:08,314
♪ We're goin' bowlin' ♪
83
00:03:08,398 --> 00:03:10,358
♪ So don't lose her in Solon ♪
84
00:03:10,441 --> 00:03:12,026
♪ Moon over Parma, tonight ♪
85
00:03:16,447 --> 00:03:17,365
♪ That's the way,
uh-huh, uh-- ♪
86
00:03:17,448 --> 00:03:18,366
Whoo.
87
00:03:18,449 --> 00:03:20,076
♪ I like it, uh-huh, uh-huh ♪
88
00:03:20,159 --> 00:03:21,577
♪ That's the way,
uh-huh, uh-huh ♪
89
00:03:21,661 --> 00:03:22,995
Whoo!
90
00:03:23,079 --> 00:03:25,039
♪ I like it, uh-huh, uh-huh ♪
91
00:03:25,123 --> 00:03:26,290
Wow. Fuzzy jell-o.
92
00:03:27,875 --> 00:03:29,544
♪ Do a little dance, uhh, uhh ♪
93
00:03:29,627 --> 00:03:31,129
♪ Make a little love, uhh, uhh ♪
94
00:03:31,212 --> 00:03:32,964
♪ Get down tonight, uhh, uhh ♪
95
00:03:33,047 --> 00:03:34,716
♪ Get down tonight, oh ♪
96
00:03:34,799 --> 00:03:36,551
♪ Do a little dance, uhh, uhh ♪
97
00:03:36,634 --> 00:03:38,136
♪ Make a little love, uhh, uhh ♪
98
00:03:38,219 --> 00:03:39,887
♪ Get down tonight, uhh, uhh ♪
99
00:03:39,971 --> 00:03:41,514
♪ Get down tonight ♪
100
00:03:41,597 --> 00:03:42,598
[screams]
101
00:03:44,350 --> 00:03:46,269
Jules!
102
00:03:46,352 --> 00:03:47,729
Jules!
103
00:03:47,812 --> 00:03:49,355
Hey-hey-hey, buddy.
104
00:03:50,815 --> 00:03:53,359
You don't fly, do you?
105
00:03:53,443 --> 00:03:56,696
Didn't I flush you down
the toilet 30 years ago?
106
00:03:56,779 --> 00:03:58,531
What is it, Drew buddy?
107
00:03:59,741 --> 00:04:02,160
[sighs]
I believe this belongs to you.
108
00:04:02,243 --> 00:04:03,161
Oh, man.
109
00:04:03,244 --> 00:04:05,329
Harley. Harley.
110
00:04:05,413 --> 00:04:07,915
Go home.
111
00:04:07,999 --> 00:04:09,417
Home.
112
00:04:09,500 --> 00:04:11,919
Harley. Home.
113
00:04:12,003 --> 00:04:13,337
Man, is he stubborn.
114
00:04:13,421 --> 00:04:14,756
That's the third time this week!
115
00:04:14,839 --> 00:04:16,340
You said you were
gonna get a cage for him.
116
00:04:16,424 --> 00:04:20,720
You know, Drew... we
try to be good neighbors.
117
00:04:24,056 --> 00:04:24,974
But you know, it's like
118
00:04:25,057 --> 00:04:26,768
you get rattled over
every little thing.
119
00:04:26,851 --> 00:04:30,104
I got a six foot lizard
on my pool table!
120
00:04:30,188 --> 00:04:33,775
What kind of weirdo
puts a pool table outside?
121
00:04:33,858 --> 00:04:37,779
That's just asking for lizards.
122
00:04:37,862 --> 00:04:39,572
I'm sorry, Jules.
I'll keep that in mind.
123
00:04:42,658 --> 00:04:43,910
Whatever happened to normal pets
124
00:04:43,993 --> 00:04:46,287
like hamsters and bats?
125
00:04:46,370 --> 00:04:48,372
[banging and yelling]
126
00:04:49,415 --> 00:04:51,459
[Kate yelling]
Help! Open up!
127
00:04:51,542 --> 00:04:52,710
[Oswald]
Now, go back! Yuck!
128
00:04:52,794 --> 00:04:54,378
[Kate]
Oh! Ecch! Ugh! Jeez.
129
00:04:54,462 --> 00:04:55,922
God! Ugh. Uhh!
130
00:04:56,005 --> 00:04:57,423
Hey, Jules!
131
00:04:57,507 --> 00:05:00,885
Tell your monkey to quit
whipping his crap at my friends!
132
00:05:04,889 --> 00:05:07,391
It's like living in a Hitchcock
movie, this damn house.
133
00:05:09,018 --> 00:05:11,646
So, what do you guys
want to see tonight?
134
00:05:11,729 --> 00:05:14,607
Anything but romance
or pauly shore.
135
00:05:14,690 --> 00:05:15,983
I don't get it.
136
00:05:16,067 --> 00:05:18,027
What's wrong with romance?
137
00:05:18,110 --> 00:05:19,028
Nothing's wrong with romance.
138
00:05:19,111 --> 00:05:21,989
I'll see a romantic movie
as long as there's blood
139
00:05:22,073 --> 00:05:24,325
and everybody gets
blown up at the end.
140
00:05:24,408 --> 00:05:26,744
Let's see. We got a couple
of choices here then, uh...
141
00:05:26,828 --> 00:05:28,246
"Headless in Seattle"
142
00:05:28,329 --> 00:05:31,833
or "The Way We Were
Before You Blew Us Up."
143
00:05:31,916 --> 00:05:34,460
What's wrong with you?
144
00:05:34,544 --> 00:05:35,962
I'm sorry. I just
can't stop thinking
145
00:05:36,045 --> 00:05:37,547
about that party this morning.
146
00:05:37,630 --> 00:05:39,048
Most of the girls I
went to school with
147
00:05:39,131 --> 00:05:40,675
are either married
or getting married.
148
00:05:40,758 --> 00:05:42,927
And I guess it's starting
to kind of bug me.
149
00:05:43,010 --> 00:05:44,095
Most of the guys I
went to school with
150
00:05:44,178 --> 00:05:45,221
are either fat or getting fat.
151
00:05:45,304 --> 00:05:46,931
You don't see me
crying about it.
152
00:05:48,808 --> 00:05:50,059
Carry on.
153
00:05:51,435 --> 00:05:52,728
I don't think there's
any special age
154
00:05:52,812 --> 00:05:54,105
you have to get married.
155
00:05:54,188 --> 00:05:55,773
I mean, I think it's when
you meet the right person.
156
00:05:55,857 --> 00:05:57,066
You know?
157
00:05:57,149 --> 00:06:00,403
I mean, 50% of all marriages
in America end in failure.
158
00:06:00,486 --> 00:06:02,697
A person gets hit by
a car every ten minutes.
159
00:06:02,780 --> 00:06:07,243
2 1/2 acres of rain forest
disappear every second.
160
00:06:07,326 --> 00:06:09,287
What are you trying to say?
161
00:06:09,370 --> 00:06:12,248
I got to stop
sleeping with the TV on.
162
00:06:12,331 --> 00:06:14,584
Come on. You could
get a husband like that.
163
00:06:14,667 --> 00:06:15,793
Yeah. Please.
164
00:06:15,877 --> 00:06:17,086
I don't need a husband.
165
00:06:17,169 --> 00:06:18,880
I just want a wedding.
166
00:06:20,172 --> 00:06:21,007
I don't want a husband either.
167
00:06:21,090 --> 00:06:22,508
I just want someone
to appreciate
168
00:06:22,592 --> 00:06:24,635
how hard I work
around this house.
169
00:06:24,719 --> 00:06:25,553
Ohh.
170
00:06:25,636 --> 00:06:28,222
You guys don't get it.
171
00:06:28,306 --> 00:06:29,390
When I was a little girl,
172
00:06:29,473 --> 00:06:32,768
I saw myself getting
married in a big church
173
00:06:32,852 --> 00:06:34,353
filled with beautiful flowers,
174
00:06:34,437 --> 00:06:36,188
wearing a white wedding dress,
175
00:06:36,272 --> 00:06:39,191
and I saw myself at the altar
176
00:06:39,275 --> 00:06:42,445
next to, um, David Cassidy.
177
00:06:42,528 --> 00:06:44,780
Kate, don't worry about it.
178
00:06:44,864 --> 00:06:46,282
I mean, look at the
bride of Frankenstein.
179
00:06:46,365 --> 00:06:48,367
She got married
after she was dead.
180
00:06:48,451 --> 00:06:49,994
There's still hope for you.
181
00:06:50,018 --> 00:06:51,096
[chuckles]
182
00:06:51,120 --> 00:06:53,623
Huh? You know
what? You're right.
183
00:06:53,706 --> 00:06:54,916
Here I am, sitting
with my friends
184
00:06:54,999 --> 00:06:55,917
feeling sorry for myself.
185
00:06:56,000 --> 00:06:56,918
Mm-hmm.
186
00:06:57,001 --> 00:06:57,919
I could do this at home.
187
00:06:58,002 --> 00:06:59,003
- Sure.
- Bye.
188
00:07:00,713 --> 00:07:01,756
Aw, Kate.
189
00:07:03,382 --> 00:07:05,384
Hey, uh, you sure you're okay?
190
00:07:05,468 --> 00:07:06,636
Yeah, I'm fine.
191
00:07:06,719 --> 00:07:08,095
If you want, you
can take my raincoat.
192
00:07:08,179 --> 00:07:10,556
You know, in case Bobo
had a big breakfast.
193
00:07:10,640 --> 00:07:12,850
Thanks.
194
00:07:12,934 --> 00:07:13,976
Boy, she's really
out of her mind
195
00:07:14,060 --> 00:07:15,227
with this whole wedding thing.
196
00:07:15,311 --> 00:07:18,856
I mean, I want to get
married... in theory.
197
00:07:18,940 --> 00:07:20,816
You know, we all want to
get married in a perfect world.
198
00:07:20,900 --> 00:07:21,901
[chuckles]
199
00:07:21,984 --> 00:07:25,321
Marriage is great...
hypothetically.
200
00:07:26,447 --> 00:07:27,907
We're all scared, kid.
201
00:07:27,990 --> 00:07:31,661
Anybody who says
different's a damn liar.
202
00:07:31,744 --> 00:07:33,371
Hoo-hoo.
Hoo-hoo.
203
00:07:33,454 --> 00:07:35,539
Hoo-hoo.
Hoo-hoo.
204
00:07:35,623 --> 00:07:38,042
Stop that. You're
freakin' me out.
205
00:07:38,125 --> 00:07:40,628
I'm talking about Kate here.
206
00:07:40,711 --> 00:07:42,964
Oh, she's just freaked
out about the ceremony.
207
00:07:43,047 --> 00:07:45,132
I don't even think
about the ceremony,
208
00:07:45,216 --> 00:07:46,509
you know, except
when I was dating Jackie.
209
00:07:46,592 --> 00:07:47,677
We did actually talk
about getting married
210
00:07:47,760 --> 00:07:49,720
in the flower garden
in her parents' backyard.
211
00:07:49,804 --> 00:07:52,473
And then you know, later
on when we could afford it,
212
00:07:52,556 --> 00:07:55,893
we'd have a real
ceremony in Vegas.
213
00:07:55,977 --> 00:08:00,189
You know, Elvis impersonator,
the whole shebang.
214
00:08:00,272 --> 00:08:02,650
Man, between you and Kate,
you two should get married.
215
00:08:02,733 --> 00:08:04,360
Hey, you know,
when I was in college,
216
00:08:04,443 --> 00:08:05,695
there was this fraternity
217
00:08:05,778 --> 00:08:07,989
that used to do this shotgun
wedding party every spring.
218
00:08:08,072 --> 00:08:09,031
Man, I'm telling
you, it was huge.
219
00:08:09,115 --> 00:08:11,033
It was like a big gag ceremony.
220
00:08:11,117 --> 00:08:12,201
Kate would be the
center of attention.
221
00:08:12,284 --> 00:08:13,202
Boy, she'd love it.
222
00:08:13,285 --> 00:08:14,453
That's perfect.
223
00:08:14,537 --> 00:08:15,997
That could really
cheer Kate right up.
224
00:08:16,080 --> 00:08:17,873
Okay. All we need is
a wedding dress,
225
00:08:17,957 --> 00:08:19,625
some handcuffs,
and some flowers.
226
00:08:19,709 --> 00:08:21,919
Hey! I got all that
stuff in my trunk.
227
00:08:23,379 --> 00:08:24,880
And Drew, as the lucky groom,
228
00:08:24,964 --> 00:08:26,799
you get to provide your own tux.
229
00:08:26,882 --> 00:08:29,802
Oh, man. Maybe I could
fit into my prom tux.
230
00:08:30,085 --> 00:08:32,463
I'd like to wear it once.
231
00:08:32,987 --> 00:08:34,987
[instrumental music]
232
00:08:41,856 --> 00:08:42,773
Hi, Mimi.
233
00:08:42,857 --> 00:08:44,233
Hi, pig.
234
00:08:48,154 --> 00:08:49,238
Ding-ding- ding-ding-ding.
235
00:08:49,321 --> 00:08:50,614
"Hi, pig."
236
00:08:56,287 --> 00:08:57,747
Drew, you got a minute?
237
00:08:57,830 --> 00:08:59,707
Ed, you new dad you.
238
00:08:59,790 --> 00:09:01,333
Don't tell me. Baby pictures.
239
00:09:01,417 --> 00:09:02,376
Hey, can't get enough of those.
240
00:09:02,460 --> 00:09:04,879
'Cause you know,
babies look so different.
241
00:09:04,962 --> 00:09:06,464
No pictures, Drew.
I got a problem.
242
00:09:06,547 --> 00:09:07,631
Well, you know, if
you're having any trouble
243
00:09:07,715 --> 00:09:08,716
coming up with a name,
244
00:09:08,799 --> 00:09:10,885
I, uh, I did fire you, and all.
245
00:09:10,968 --> 00:09:12,553
We gave him a name, Chan,
246
00:09:12,636 --> 00:09:15,097
after the guy my
wife had an affair with.
247
00:09:15,181 --> 00:09:16,057
What?
248
00:09:16,140 --> 00:09:17,349
The baby's Chinese.
249
00:09:17,433 --> 00:09:19,018
And your wife isn't?
250
00:09:19,101 --> 00:09:22,521
Are you kidding? She won't
even eat mandarin oranges.
251
00:09:22,605 --> 00:09:24,607
Ed, I don't know what to say.
252
00:09:24,690 --> 00:09:26,776
This is unbelievable.
253
00:09:26,859 --> 00:09:28,194
I wish there was
something I could do.
254
00:09:28,277 --> 00:09:29,779
Give me my job back.
255
00:09:29,862 --> 00:09:31,113
Whoa, Ed, even if I wanted to,
256
00:09:31,197 --> 00:09:32,948
the position's
already been filled.
257
00:09:33,032 --> 00:09:35,034
It's been less than a
week. Who'd you hire?
258
00:09:35,117 --> 00:09:38,537
Oh, some guy named Wong.
259
00:09:40,122 --> 00:09:41,499
Anyway, I'd love to help you,
260
00:09:41,582 --> 00:09:43,793
but I put my butt on the
line for you the first time.
261
00:09:43,876 --> 00:09:45,920
I just can't go back
there and undo it.
262
00:09:46,003 --> 00:09:48,214
Fine, Mr. Rules
Guy. If you need me,
263
00:09:48,297 --> 00:09:49,840
I'll be living in a
cardboard box.
264
00:09:49,924 --> 00:09:52,134
If I'm not there,
try the gun shop.
265
00:09:52,218 --> 00:09:54,011
After that, just watch the news.
266
00:09:55,179 --> 00:09:56,472
Whoa. Hey, wait a minute.
267
00:09:56,555 --> 00:09:57,640
I'll see what I can do.
268
00:09:57,723 --> 00:09:59,016
No promises, okay, but I'll...
269
00:09:59,100 --> 00:10:01,977
Look, I spend a lot of time
270
00:10:02,061 --> 00:10:03,437
talking to my employees
about their problems,
271
00:10:03,521 --> 00:10:04,814
and what happened to you
272
00:10:04,897 --> 00:10:06,065
isn't so out of the ordinary.
273
00:10:06,148 --> 00:10:08,818
I mean, sure, you gave
up a job you didn't have to
274
00:10:08,901 --> 00:10:10,820
and your wife had
somebody else's baby...
275
00:10:12,154 --> 00:10:14,156
Well, we'll see
you around, buddy.
276
00:10:17,493 --> 00:10:18,452
Hey. So where's Kate?
277
00:10:18,536 --> 00:10:19,787
[Claps hands]
Man, this is gonna be great.
278
00:10:19,870 --> 00:10:22,790
She's in the bridal department
putting on the dress.
279
00:10:22,873 --> 00:10:25,292
She thinks I'm driving her
to a catalog photo shoot.
280
00:10:25,376 --> 00:10:26,877
How'd you get the dress?
281
00:10:26,961 --> 00:10:28,629
The same way I got
the big-screen TV
282
00:10:28,712 --> 00:10:30,464
for when Saved By
The Bell went to France.
283
00:10:32,383 --> 00:10:34,844
I bought it, and i'm
taking it back tomorrow.
284
00:10:36,470 --> 00:10:37,638
Oh, hello.
285
00:10:37,721 --> 00:10:39,140
[imitates alarm]
286
00:10:39,223 --> 00:10:40,516
Dive, dive.
287
00:10:40,599 --> 00:10:43,018
- Check you out, baby.
- Whoo!
288
00:10:43,102 --> 00:10:45,020
I'm so lucky that
model got sick.
289
00:10:45,104 --> 00:10:47,439
That will teach her
to eat twice in one day.
290
00:10:49,066 --> 00:10:51,360
What are you guys doing here?
291
00:10:53,487 --> 00:10:54,905
We're modeling, too. Yeah.
292
00:10:54,989 --> 00:10:59,326
We're gonna be,
uh... we're, uh...
293
00:10:59,410 --> 00:11:02,538
what are we gonna be, Oswald?
294
00:11:02,621 --> 00:11:03,664
- Bears.
- Bears.
295
00:11:03,747 --> 00:11:06,584
Wait a sec--what are you doing?
296
00:11:06,667 --> 00:11:09,378
Oh! Put me down! Knock it off!
297
00:11:09,461 --> 00:11:12,381
[grunts]
Oh! I've really got to
get some girlfriends.
298
00:11:17,052 --> 00:11:19,013
[Polka John playing]
299
00:11:24,810 --> 00:11:27,479
[cheering]
300
00:11:27,563 --> 00:11:29,190
All rise.
301
00:11:29,273 --> 00:11:30,649
[Bridal March plays]
302
00:11:32,067 --> 00:11:34,028
Boy, am I glad I
didn't tell you guys
303
00:11:34,111 --> 00:11:36,322
I wanted a baby.
304
00:11:36,405 --> 00:11:37,573
What are you looking at?
305
00:11:37,656 --> 00:11:39,033
You never saw a
bride in handcuffs
306
00:11:39,116 --> 00:11:40,784
walk down the aisle
to polka music before?
307
00:11:40,868 --> 00:11:42,786
Where the hell have you been?
308
00:11:42,870 --> 00:11:44,121
Hey, look at me!
I'm getting married!
309
00:11:45,539 --> 00:11:47,958
Before we begin, one
quick announcement.
310
00:11:48,042 --> 00:11:49,293
The happy couple has
made their selections
311
00:11:49,376 --> 00:11:51,170
in the Warsaw Tavern
Bridal Registry.
312
00:11:51,253 --> 00:11:52,713
Nothing in cans, bottles only.
313
00:11:52,796 --> 00:11:55,090
Also, if anyone's interested
in an '84 Ford Escort,
314
00:11:55,174 --> 00:11:57,760
see me after. Padre.
315
00:11:57,843 --> 00:11:59,094
Thank you.
316
00:11:59,178 --> 00:12:02,014
Marriage. The final frontier.
317
00:12:02,097 --> 00:12:03,390
We are gathered here
318
00:12:03,474 --> 00:12:06,936
not only to witness the
humiliation of our friend Kate,
319
00:12:07,019 --> 00:12:08,854
but hopefully sell a car
320
00:12:08,938 --> 00:12:10,940
and, who knows, maybe
a used snow blower.
321
00:12:11,023 --> 00:12:13,400
50 bucks. Clean.
322
00:12:13,484 --> 00:12:16,153
[Cheering]
323
00:12:16,237 --> 00:12:19,073
Drew Carey... are
you prepared to enter
324
00:12:19,156 --> 00:12:22,076
into this state of holy
acrimony with Kate O'Brien,
325
00:12:22,159 --> 00:12:24,828
to drink with her,
to cleave to her,
326
00:12:24,912 --> 00:12:28,499
to boldly go where at least
20 or 30 men have gone before?
327
00:12:28,582 --> 00:12:29,917
Wait, wait.
328
00:12:30,000 --> 00:12:32,503
Single digits, please.
329
00:12:32,586 --> 00:12:35,339
Hey, look at me.
I'm getting married.
330
00:12:35,422 --> 00:12:36,715
They can't believe
it either, Drew.
331
00:12:36,799 --> 00:12:39,343
Would you now please
place the beer in her hand?
332
00:12:43,013 --> 00:12:44,640
And you, Kate O'Brien,
333
00:12:44,723 --> 00:12:48,102
are you prepared to
wed Drew, to bed Drew,
334
00:12:48,185 --> 00:12:50,479
to boldly go where no
woman has gone willingly
335
00:12:50,562 --> 00:12:51,814
without the promise
of a free dinner
336
00:12:51,897 --> 00:12:53,565
or cold, hard cash.
337
00:12:55,109 --> 00:12:56,610
I've had worse.
338
00:12:56,694 --> 00:12:59,029
[cheering]
339
00:13:00,322 --> 00:13:02,700
20 or 30 guys. Yuck.
340
00:13:05,286 --> 00:13:07,288
Let's get on with
it. I'm losing my buzz.
341
00:13:07,371 --> 00:13:09,084
Drew Carey...
342
00:13:09,204 --> 00:13:12,001
do you take Kate to be your
unlawfully wedded wife?
343
00:13:12,084 --> 00:13:13,419
Ow!
344
00:13:13,502 --> 00:13:15,170
Good enough. And you, Kate,
345
00:13:15,254 --> 00:13:17,506
will you please take Drew as is,
346
00:13:17,589 --> 00:13:19,174
no refunds, all sales final,
347
00:13:19,258 --> 00:13:21,635
store credit with receipt only.
348
00:13:21,719 --> 00:13:23,429
Do you have anything in my size?
349
00:13:25,055 --> 00:13:26,432
Is there any reason
why these two
350
00:13:26,515 --> 00:13:27,725
should not be joined together?
351
00:13:27,808 --> 00:13:29,977
[Crowd]
Yeah!
352
00:13:30,060 --> 00:13:31,395
Well, since there
are no objections,
353
00:13:31,478 --> 00:13:32,771
I'd like to remind the bride
354
00:13:32,855 --> 00:13:34,189
before we take the handcuffs off
355
00:13:34,273 --> 00:13:36,025
that we only did
this to make her happy
356
00:13:36,108 --> 00:13:38,152
and it was all Drew's idea.
357
00:13:38,235 --> 00:13:41,864
With that said, I now pronounce
you drunk and disorderly.
358
00:13:41,947 --> 00:13:45,409
You may now kiss my ass.
359
00:13:45,492 --> 00:13:47,036
[band plays polka]
360
00:14:04,511 --> 00:14:05,846
[band plays slow polka]
361
00:14:08,098 --> 00:14:10,476
Hey, I thought we registered
for a service for eight.
362
00:14:10,559 --> 00:14:12,186
You got cheap friends,
what do you want?
363
00:14:12,269 --> 00:14:14,980
Hey, another gift from
the boys at the bar.
364
00:14:16,690 --> 00:14:18,108
Boy, you can never
have too many of these.
365
00:14:18,192 --> 00:14:19,193
Yeah.
366
00:14:19,276 --> 00:14:20,110
Hey, honey!
367
00:14:20,194 --> 00:14:21,862
A little something for the den!
368
00:14:23,614 --> 00:14:25,866
Oh, you're a lucky
man, Drew Carey.
369
00:14:25,949 --> 00:14:27,576
You really picked
yourself a winner there.
370
00:14:27,659 --> 00:14:29,411
Yep. Kate cleans up pretty good.
371
00:14:29,495 --> 00:14:31,330
Why do you think Kate's
not married, for real?
372
00:14:31,413 --> 00:14:33,165
'Cause she dates losers.
373
00:14:33,248 --> 00:14:34,208
She's demanding.
374
00:14:34,291 --> 00:14:36,168
She's bossy.
375
00:14:36,251 --> 00:14:37,628
She hits.
376
00:14:40,839 --> 00:14:42,049
Yeah, I guess.
377
00:14:42,132 --> 00:14:43,384
You ever wonder why, uh,
378
00:14:43,467 --> 00:14:45,052
one of us never married Kate?
379
00:14:45,135 --> 00:14:46,804
It would be like
marrying your sister.
380
00:14:46,887 --> 00:14:49,723
Hey, some countries,
they do that.
381
00:14:49,807 --> 00:14:51,266
I've always thought
we were saving her,
382
00:14:51,350 --> 00:14:52,976
you know, just in case.
383
00:14:53,060 --> 00:14:55,521
It is kind of weird though
that none of us ever dated her.
384
00:14:55,604 --> 00:14:57,022
I mean, especially you, Drew.
385
00:14:58,190 --> 00:15:01,276
I guess I was too busy
fantasizing about Oswald's mom.
386
00:15:02,486 --> 00:15:03,737
Yeah. Your mom was hot.
387
00:15:03,821 --> 00:15:04,905
Shut up.
388
00:15:04,988 --> 00:15:07,616
Jazzercising in her
little disco shorts.
389
00:15:07,699 --> 00:15:09,618
Yeah, well, maybe I
watched your mom, too,
390
00:15:09,701 --> 00:15:12,162
in her big polyester
pantsuit mowing the lawn.
391
00:15:14,456 --> 00:15:16,458
Well, I guess that's
the reason why
392
00:15:16,542 --> 00:15:17,501
we never dated Kate.
393
00:15:17,584 --> 00:15:18,502
How about you?
394
00:15:18,585 --> 00:15:20,003
She knew me too well.
395
00:15:20,087 --> 00:15:21,463
But I did carry her
eighth-grade picture
396
00:15:21,547 --> 00:15:23,006
around with me in my wallet.
397
00:15:23,090 --> 00:15:25,467
I told everybody
she was my girlfriend.
398
00:15:25,551 --> 00:15:26,468
It was kind of sweet back then,
399
00:15:26,552 --> 00:15:29,179
but now I get the
weirdest looks.
400
00:15:29,263 --> 00:15:30,597
I had that picture,
with the lip gloss,
401
00:15:30,681 --> 00:15:31,682
the mouth slightly parted.
402
00:15:31,765 --> 00:15:32,683
- Yeah.
- Uh-huh.
403
00:15:32,766 --> 00:15:34,143
Eighth grade was a
good year for Kate.
404
00:15:34,226 --> 00:15:36,437
I know. Ha ha ha!
405
00:15:36,520 --> 00:15:37,980
[whistles]
406
00:15:41,984 --> 00:15:43,360
You know why none
of us ever dated Kate?
407
00:15:43,444 --> 00:15:44,528
No.
408
00:15:44,611 --> 00:15:45,946
Because she never showed
409
00:15:46,029 --> 00:15:48,323
the slightest romantic
interest in any of us.
410
00:15:48,407 --> 00:15:50,659
I don't know. I kissed her once.
411
00:15:50,742 --> 00:15:52,077
What?
412
00:15:52,161 --> 00:15:53,454
I did. Grade six.
413
00:15:53,537 --> 00:15:55,247
She had mono, and she dared me.
414
00:15:56,331 --> 00:15:57,541
Still counts.
415
00:15:57,624 --> 00:15:58,709
Mm-hmm.
416
00:16:00,669 --> 00:16:04,882
I, uh... I saw Kate naked once.
417
00:16:04,965 --> 00:16:06,258
- What?
- Get out of here.
418
00:16:06,341 --> 00:16:08,552
How much a thing
like that cost you?
419
00:16:09,761 --> 00:16:11,305
Nothing. She was 16.
420
00:16:11,388 --> 00:16:12,723
16?
421
00:16:12,806 --> 00:16:14,349
Yeah. We were up in her house
422
00:16:14,433 --> 00:16:16,018
up in her bedroom, and, uh, bam!
423
00:16:16,101 --> 00:16:17,394
She changed right
in front of me.
424
00:16:17,478 --> 00:16:18,896
Wow. I have a theory.
425
00:16:18,979 --> 00:16:20,564
Is she real hairy?
426
00:16:22,107 --> 00:16:23,275
Well, she wasn't then.
427
00:16:23,358 --> 00:16:25,319
The point is, she
changed in front of me
428
00:16:25,402 --> 00:16:26,445
like I wasn't even there. Hmm.
429
00:16:26,528 --> 00:16:27,529
That's when I realized
430
00:16:27,613 --> 00:16:28,947
she didn't even see me as a guy.
431
00:16:29,031 --> 00:16:30,324
Aah. That's gotta hurt.
432
00:16:30,407 --> 00:16:32,493
Yeah. Sorry, man.
433
00:16:32,576 --> 00:16:33,494
Still counts, though.
434
00:16:33,977 --> 00:16:35,370
- You bet it does.
- Hey, yeah.
435
00:16:35,894 --> 00:16:37,894
[instrumental music]
436
00:16:38,916 --> 00:16:39,917
[Kate]
Whoo!
437
00:16:40,000 --> 00:16:41,502
What a rush!
438
00:16:41,585 --> 00:16:44,546
Now I know why dogs do it!
439
00:16:46,590 --> 00:16:48,008
First ride in a limo, Kate?
440
00:16:48,091 --> 00:16:50,385
Actually, it's my second,
441
00:16:50,469 --> 00:16:51,470
but my mom wouldn't
let me do that
442
00:16:51,553 --> 00:16:52,554
at grandpa's funeral.
443
00:16:54,556 --> 00:16:56,767
Why'd you guys
do all this anyway?
444
00:16:56,850 --> 00:16:57,893
Well, you know, you
seemed kind of depressed
445
00:16:57,976 --> 00:16:59,019
about having a wedding and all,
446
00:16:59,102 --> 00:17:00,395
so we figured a little
public humiliation
447
00:17:00,479 --> 00:17:02,231
was just what the
doctor ordered.
448
00:17:02,314 --> 00:17:05,275
You're the best. Are we
really going to Morton's?
449
00:17:05,359 --> 00:17:07,778
I can't wait to walk
in looking like this.
450
00:17:07,861 --> 00:17:10,447
Yeah. Hope I don't clash
with the maitre d's hair.
451
00:17:12,241 --> 00:17:13,951
Hey, uh, listen, um...
452
00:17:14,034 --> 00:17:16,745
Oswald and Lewis
were kind of wondering
453
00:17:16,828 --> 00:17:18,247
why you never got
serious with either of them.
454
00:17:18,330 --> 00:17:19,957
Or you know, any of us, really.
455
00:17:20,040 --> 00:17:21,458
Are you kidding?
456
00:17:21,542 --> 00:17:24,086
[scoffs]
I totally would've.
457
00:17:24,169 --> 00:17:26,463
I just didn't want to
compete with Oswald's mom.
458
00:17:26,546 --> 00:17:29,508
She had the serious
hots for you and Lewis.
459
00:17:29,591 --> 00:17:31,510
You're kidding? Oh, my God.
460
00:17:31,593 --> 00:17:34,137
We were just talking
ab-- oh, you're kidding.
461
00:17:36,473 --> 00:17:37,558
So...
462
00:17:39,101 --> 00:17:42,843
Did, any of you... you know,
463
00:17:42,936 --> 00:17:44,565
ever have a little crush on me?
464
00:17:44,648 --> 00:17:46,775
Maybe, you know, when
we were teenagers.
465
00:17:46,858 --> 00:17:47,985
And?
466
00:17:48,068 --> 00:17:49,695
Then we discovered
my brother's magazines,
467
00:17:49,778 --> 00:17:51,238
and you became obsolete.
468
00:17:52,656 --> 00:17:54,866
Come on. We practically
hung out together
469
00:17:54,950 --> 00:17:55,867
all the time.
470
00:17:55,951 --> 00:17:57,869
You practically
lived at my house.
471
00:17:57,953 --> 00:17:59,913
Yeah, maybe a little
more than I should have.
472
00:17:59,997 --> 00:18:01,456
What do you mean?
473
00:18:01,540 --> 00:18:03,250
Well, you know, there
was that time you, uh...
474
00:18:03,333 --> 00:18:05,877
changed your clothes
right in front of me.
475
00:18:05,961 --> 00:18:07,421
I did what?
476
00:18:07,504 --> 00:18:09,423
We were sixteen, and you
changed right in front of me
477
00:18:09,506 --> 00:18:12,426
like I was the chair,
then I walked home crying.
478
00:18:12,509 --> 00:18:14,261
No, no. Don't feel bad.
479
00:18:15,887 --> 00:18:16,972
Then I wrote you
a little letter,
480
00:18:17,055 --> 00:18:20,434
which I accidentally
mailed to my grandma.
481
00:18:20,517 --> 00:18:21,810
She wrote me back saying
482
00:18:21,893 --> 00:18:24,062
that she loved me, too, you
know, but not in that way.
483
00:18:26,231 --> 00:18:28,734
Drew, I'm so sorry.
484
00:18:28,817 --> 00:18:29,943
Wow.
485
00:18:30,027 --> 00:18:32,946
You actually thought
about me like that.
486
00:18:33,030 --> 00:18:34,448
That's so weird.
487
00:18:34,531 --> 00:18:35,699
Oh, I don't know.
488
00:18:35,782 --> 00:18:37,200
I don't think it would
have been, you know, so bad
489
00:18:37,284 --> 00:18:41,204
if we'd actually done this,
you know, gotten together.
490
00:18:45,042 --> 00:18:47,502
Oh, my God. I've got hives!
491
00:18:47,586 --> 00:18:50,088
Oh, my God. You're
covered with...
492
00:18:50,172 --> 00:18:52,507
Driver, take us to Metro
General right away.
493
00:18:52,591 --> 00:18:55,802
Hey! Out of the way! We
got a sick woman here!
494
00:18:55,886 --> 00:18:57,512
Whoo-whoo-whoo-whoo!
495
00:18:57,596 --> 00:18:59,139
Whoo-whoo-whoo-whoo!
496
00:18:59,222 --> 00:19:00,432
Whoo-whoo-whoo-whoo!
497
00:19:00,456 --> 00:19:02,456
[instrumental music]
498
00:19:10,067 --> 00:19:12,361
Hey, Drew. I heard you
got married last night.
499
00:19:12,444 --> 00:19:13,737
Oh, no, not really.
It was just a--
500
00:19:13,820 --> 00:19:15,364
Oh, hey, I don't mind
not being invited.
501
00:19:15,447 --> 00:19:18,492
I'm just, uh, glad a guy like
you could find somebody.
502
00:19:18,575 --> 00:19:20,160
Here.
503
00:19:20,243 --> 00:19:21,828
Hey, thanks.
504
00:19:21,912 --> 00:19:23,080
I'll invite you to the next one.
505
00:19:23,163 --> 00:19:24,706
Shouldn't be too long.
I gave the bride hives.
506
00:19:24,790 --> 00:19:25,832
But just in case
the marriage sticks,
507
00:19:25,916 --> 00:19:27,876
you know, we're still
looking for a toaster.
508
00:19:31,922 --> 00:19:33,173
Oh, Drew.
509
00:19:33,256 --> 00:19:34,341
What?
510
00:19:34,424 --> 00:19:36,593
I think can help you
with hiring Ed back.
511
00:19:36,677 --> 00:19:38,136
There's an opening
in sportswear.
512
00:19:38,220 --> 00:19:40,889
No, there isn't. There
will be once you fire Leslie.
513
00:19:40,972 --> 00:19:42,224
Leslie who just had
the wedding shower?
514
00:19:42,307 --> 00:19:43,558
But she's on her honeymoon.
515
00:19:43,642 --> 00:19:44,976
Courtesy of Winfred-Louder.
516
00:19:45,060 --> 00:19:47,229
We caught her on
camera stealing cash
517
00:19:47,312 --> 00:19:51,942
and a bikini that I could
use as an eye patch.
518
00:19:52,025 --> 00:19:53,527
Great, all you need is a
hook hand and a peg leg.
519
00:19:53,610 --> 00:19:55,112
The outfit will be complete.
520
00:19:55,195 --> 00:19:58,365
Here's the number
of her hotel in Maui.
521
00:19:58,448 --> 00:20:01,284
Oh, man. I hate to ruin
somebody's honeymoon.
522
00:20:01,368 --> 00:20:02,783
Then don't get married.
523
00:20:02,808 --> 00:20:03,941
[laughing]
524
00:20:05,664 --> 00:20:08,750
Drew... ugh!
525
00:20:08,834 --> 00:20:11,545
Drew, we've got to
talk about my hives.
526
00:20:11,628 --> 00:20:13,547
I know. I feel terrible.
527
00:20:13,630 --> 00:20:16,174
Oh, God, Drew. You knew!
Why didn't you tell me?
528
00:20:16,258 --> 00:20:18,885
It just came out. It's
not what you think.
529
00:20:18,969 --> 00:20:21,263
What I think? What
are you talking about?
530
00:20:21,346 --> 00:20:22,723
What are you talking about?
531
00:20:22,806 --> 00:20:24,474
Formaldehyde.
532
00:20:24,558 --> 00:20:27,144
They found formaldehyde
on this dress.
533
00:20:27,227 --> 00:20:29,980
You know the store's "We'll
take anything back" policy?
534
00:20:30,063 --> 00:20:31,231
Know it? I'm using it to trade
535
00:20:31,314 --> 00:20:33,316
whatever this piece of
crap is in for a toaster.
536
00:20:33,400 --> 00:20:35,444
Drew, someone bought
that dress before you
537
00:20:35,527 --> 00:20:37,738
and used it in a funeral.
538
00:20:37,821 --> 00:20:39,823
Oh, my God. That's horrible.
539
00:20:39,906 --> 00:20:41,742
Then they had whatever
sick and perverse ceremony
540
00:20:41,825 --> 00:20:45,912
someone who would put a wedding
dress on a corpse has and returned it.
541
00:20:45,996 --> 00:20:48,373
Drew, the dress came
back from the dead!
542
00:20:50,500 --> 00:20:52,919
Well, you know, it's
not like she wore it out.
543
00:20:53,795 --> 00:20:56,131
Hello? Person who
wore the death dress
544
00:20:56,214 --> 00:20:57,841
and got hives from it here.
545
00:20:57,924 --> 00:21:00,510
I'm sorry. It's just
I'm so relieved.
546
00:21:00,594 --> 00:21:01,762
You'll never, ha ha...
547
00:21:01,845 --> 00:21:04,556
never guess what I
thought gave you the hives.
548
00:21:04,639 --> 00:21:05,640
What?
549
00:21:05,724 --> 00:21:08,143
I thought it was from
what I said to you in the limo.
550
00:21:08,226 --> 00:21:09,770
You know, about
us getting together.
551
00:21:09,853 --> 00:21:12,147
I didn't really mean
what you thought I meant.
552
00:21:12,230 --> 00:21:14,107
That's not what I
thought you meant.
553
00:21:14,191 --> 00:21:16,777
It just, uh, kinda came out.
554
00:21:16,860 --> 00:21:18,195
You know, I'm not, uh,
555
00:21:18,278 --> 00:21:19,863
it's not like I've been
waiting for you my whole life.
556
00:21:19,946 --> 00:21:22,949
I'm just waiting for that one
great love I haven't found.
557
00:21:23,033 --> 00:21:26,203
- Yet.
- Yet.
558
00:21:26,286 --> 00:21:31,166
Drew, I should be so lucky
to marry someone like you,
559
00:21:31,249 --> 00:21:33,126
but not you.
560
00:21:33,210 --> 00:21:35,837
And I should be so lucky
as to marry someone
561
00:21:35,921 --> 00:21:40,258
like Anna Nicole Smith...
you know, but her.
562
00:21:43,261 --> 00:21:46,014
So, uh, we never have
to talk about this again?
563
00:21:46,097 --> 00:21:47,849
I hope not.
564
00:21:47,933 --> 00:21:49,309
Good. 'Cause i'm
starting to itch.
565
00:21:49,392 --> 00:21:52,646
Now, uh, why don't you go
do whatever you undead do.
566
00:21:52,729 --> 00:21:53,939
I got to make a phone call.
567
00:21:54,022 --> 00:21:55,440
Later.
568
00:22:03,281 --> 00:22:04,699
Hello, Maui Suites?
569
00:22:04,783 --> 00:22:06,701
Well, Mahalo to you, too.
570
00:22:06,785 --> 00:22:07,994
Listen, I'd like to
leave a message
571
00:22:08,078 --> 00:22:09,162
for Ms. Leslie Burke.
572
00:22:09,246 --> 00:22:10,539
Uh-huh. You got a pen ready?
573
00:22:10,622 --> 00:22:11,998
Good.
574
00:22:12,082 --> 00:22:15,585
"Dear Leslie, "they say
that vacations end too soon.
575
00:22:15,669 --> 00:22:17,629
Well, good news!"
576
00:22:22,717 --> 00:22:24,761
Hey, want to play
a little Jeopardy!?
577
00:22:24,845 --> 00:22:26,555
Winner gets to eat the loser.
578
00:22:28,139 --> 00:22:29,850
Man, would you look
at these categories?
579
00:22:29,933 --> 00:22:32,143
Flies, Prehistoric History,
580
00:22:32,227 --> 00:22:35,272
Protective Coloring,
Famous Amphibians.
581
00:22:37,107 --> 00:22:39,860
How about Scrabble?
582
00:22:39,943 --> 00:22:40,861
[sighs]
583
00:22:40,944 --> 00:22:43,405
No, you can't use my computer.
584
00:22:44,781 --> 00:22:46,700
I don't want to make out.
38825
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