Original subtitles

I'm going down south. I'm going to have myself time.

Friendly faces everywhere.

Humble folks without temptation.

I'm going down south. I'm going to leave my world behind.

And we're parking day or night. People spouting hot endeavors.

And on up south, I'm going to see if I can't unwind.

Come on down south out there and meet some friends of mine.

See, Stan? You gotta choose if you want to be in Gryffindor or Slytherin. Yeah,

can I do it?

Yeah, see, you gotta fight these fairy guys.

Randy?

Randy! The powder room toilet is broken.

Again! Did you jiggle the handle?

Yes, I jiggled the handle. Will you come fix this, please?

Okay, okay.

It's going to be the little black floaty thingy.

What'd you do to it? I didn't do anything.

Let me see if there's water in the bowl. No, don't lift the lid.

Why can't I lift the lid?

Don't, Randy.

Uh -huh.

Hey, guys, your mom took a shit and doesn't want me to see it.

Ew. Gross, Dad.

Randy, we need to get a new toilet.

We can't just get rid of old blue, Sharon.

This is embarrassing.

It's the powder room toilet. The one guests use.

You get a new toilet, Randy, or I'm not helping you sell weed anymore.

Right, all right. Sharon, you win.

As usual.

Poor old Blue.

Can I help you with anything?

Oh, yeah. Just looking for a new toilet to replace old Blue.

Ah, hey, well, all our toilets here at Standard Bowl come with full warranty.

How much you looking to spend?

Well, I'm not poor.

I happen to have my own weed business.

So that's pretty much the nicest one you have, right?

Yeah, that's probably the top model, you know, before you start getting into the

Japanese toilets.

Japanese toilets?

Yeah, they're sort of the super high -class luxury models with all the bells

whistles, but you probably don't want to spend that kind of money.

I'm not poor.

Oh, well, we can show them to you.

The Japanese toilets are right over there.

Hi, Rick. This gentleman would like to see the Japanese toilets.

Well, of course, sir.

My name is Rick. Let me know if there's anything you need.

These toilets are all equipped with the highest -end features, including an

automatic bidet system, Bluetooth capability, and seat warmers.

Seat warmers?

Of course.

And the toilet senses when you've come into the room, turns on a small light,

plays welcome music, and raises the lid for you.

Can I offer you some sparkling water or champagne?

Oh, sure. I'll take some champagne.

All the toilet's functions are operated by a touch -button remote, which you

mount where the toilet paper roll used to go.

So then where do you keep the toilet paper?

With a Japanese toilet, you don't need toilet paper.

The toilet washes you completely clean.

You're mad.

No, it's true. It has warm water in a dryer and cleans you eight times better

than toilet paper can.

Would you like to take one for a test drive?

Oh, uh, sure.

I did have kind of a big breakfast.

Right over here.

Oh!

Okay,

how much?

Guys, I wanted to talk to you because I want you all to think about how we're

viewed as a family.

You know, as a prominent weed dealer, we are successful.

And we're sort of looked up to in this town because we have nice things that

most families can't afford.

I mean, Stan, you're playing Hogwarts Legacy on PS5, right? You're playing

Hogwarts Legacy on a PS5?

Yeah, my point is that most people in town don't even have a PS5. They still

have PS4s. And so we're basically the Kennedys of South Park.

And the plain fact is that well -off families...

Have nice things, and we shouldn't be ashamed of that.

Oh, new toilet's here.

Oh,

yes, thank you. Bring it on in.

That's the new toilet? How much did it cost?

Oh, Sharon, ten -ish.

What's ten -ish?

Ten -ish. Thousand -ish.

Ten thousand -ish. You spent ten thousand dollars on a toilet?

We don't have that kind of money, Randy.

Yeah, we do.

Okay,

yeah, right here. Thanks.

Okay, thanks.

You are taking that back. to the store. Try it, Sharon. I don't need to, Randy.

Try it, Sharon.

Oh. Oh.

Oh. Oh.

I want to try it. Shh.

Look, there he goes. It's Mr.

Big Shot.

Hey, Richie Rich. You eating caviar for lunch today, Richie Rich?

Stan, just so you know, nobody gives a shit.

About what?

Come on, guys.

Did you know some people can't even afford to eat?

How about caring for something that matters, you bitch?

What the fuck?

Hey, Stan, you really have to be careful.

Of what?

Look, it's great that you come from a wealthy family, but people don't like

getting their noses rubbed in it.

Dude, I haven't even said anything.

Well, your dad called everyone last night and told them you have a $10 ,000

toilet.

What?

Well, thanks for having us over for brunch, Randy.

Yeah, what's a special occasion?

Oh, you know, just good times with dear friends.

Does anyone need to go to the bathroom?

Uh, no, I'm good.

Well, maybe some more coffee, then.

Can you guys believe all the snow we've gotten?

Yeah, maybe it will actually help with the drought.

Let's hope so. Does anyone need a bathroom break?

Actually, I think I could use the restroom.

That was kind of a big breakfast.

Oh, yeah, sure.

It's right across the hallway, right there.

Excuse me.

Oh.

What was that? Oh, that's the welcome music for my Japanese toilet.

Five for the dose? Aren't they expensive?

Yeah, a bit. But for those of us who can afford it, it's well worth it.

He's now turned on the rear jet, which cleans your bottom with warm water.

That's the front washer that washes your balls.

Or vagina.

If you think about it, a dry piece of toilet paper can't clean you half as

as pressurized water.

I feel bad that most people have to walk around with fecal matter on their anus,

but I'm just lucky I've sold enough weed to be able not to.

But was it really luck, or was it hard work?

Heck, I don't know. But you know... Dad, can I talk to you?

Stan, you're back from school already?

I need to talk to you right now.

The fuck are you doing?

Fuck are you doing? You need to stop gloating to everybody.

I am not gloating. Yes, you are, and now kids at school are calling me Richie

Rich.

They are?

Nobody cares about your stupid toilet, and you're acting like a jerk.

I'm acting like a jerk because I'm trying to help people?

How are you trying to help people, Dad?

Because people don't know that these toilets are awesome, and I'm just like

well -respected guy who's trying to open people's eyes like JFK.

You are not like JFK.

You're just showing off.

Nuh -uh, I'm like JFK because I'm trying to change things.

You're part of a very respected family, Stan.

You should start acting like it.

Okay, who's next?

Randy?

Randy!

What? Your proctologist is here to see you.

My proctologist?

Oh, hey there, Doc.

Well, Randy Marsh, how are you?

I'm doing great. How are you?

Wonderful. Just been super busy. I'm actually taking the wife to Tuscany day

after tomorrow.

Tuscany? Wow, awesome.

Yeah, well, Randy, you haven't been in the office for a few days, so I thought

I'd come to a house call to help you with your hemorrhoids. Oh, no, Doctor, I

haven't needed to come to your office. In fact, I don't think I'll be needing

your services anymore since I've gotten a Japanese toilet.

Oh, really?

It's completely changed my life. I'm healthier, I'm less stressed, and I

get hemorrhoids because I'm not smearing shit all over my ass with toilet paper.

Oh, here, here, you want to come see it?

Go on, check it out.

Dr.

Shelter?

Dr.

Shelter?

Whoa, whoa, hey, hey, hey!

Stop it!

I hate you! I hate you!

Go on, get out of here!

How am I supposed to tell my wife we can't afford to go to Tuscany now?

I never realized you made so much money off my ass.

Go on, get!

Get!

Hey, Stan!

Stan, hold up!

What? Well, you're just a really good friend, Stan, and... And I was going to

ask if maybe I could borrow your plunger cost.

What's a plunger cost?

It doesn't cost nothing when your toilet snatch is yours, Richie Rich!

I did it! I called Stan Richie Rich, too!

That was fun!

Stan, you've got to stop bragging about your toilet.

I'm not bragging about my toilet! And why is it such a big deal anyway?

It's a big deal, Stan.

You just don't understand why.

Have you ever asked yourself why we use toilet paper?

We're told to wash our hands, wear masks in crowds, but for some reason when it

comes to wiping our ass, we're told to do it with this little piece of paper.

We are all, all of us, walking around right now with a little bit of shit

smeared on our buttholes.

Did you know that 70 % of people in the world don't even use it at all?

70 % of the world doesn't use toilet paper?

Look it up.

Most people in the world still use good old soap and water.

The average American uses 140 rolls of toilet paper per year.

Can you even begin to imagine how many trees that is?

To supply the United States with toilet paper, it takes 31 .1 million trees per

year. A million acres per year of precious Canadian boreal forest alone,

releasing upwards of 25 metric tons of CO2 and leveling 90 % of the land

So then why do Americans use it so much?

Well, that's the big question, isn't it?

None of it makes any sense.

Well, then maybe somebody ought to just tell your dad to stop.

Americans don't want to change their toilets, and they never will.

Ladies and gentlemen, we have a public service announcement.

One of our citizens is asked to speak with you.

Please welcome Mr.

Randy S. Marsh.

Thank you, Mayor. Thank you, everyone.

You know, the Marshes are a family that try and always lead by example.

And we know that all of you appreciate that.

Everyone deserves to be clean.

And the truth is, you can be. You might not be the marshes, but you can afford a

Japanese toilet.

Just not a really nice one like what we have.

If you take into account the money we all spend on toilet paper, doctors, and

hemorrhoid cream, a Japanese toilet pays for itself in just a few years.

There are actually Japanese toilets made for commoners.

Walmart and Amazon all carry the lower cost of shitty Japanese toilets that

anyone can afford.

There's even these little attachment thingies for your existing toilet, which

will make you feel like a marsh yourself.

They may not be nihon no shite, but they are good enough for you guys.

The point is, even commoners don't need toilet paper anymore.

And so I'm suggesting that this town puts all of the...

Holy shit!

Randy?

I'm sorry, but he's in critical condition.

Who shot him?

Nobody knows.

Is he going to be okay?

He's in a coma.

He's unconscious and just blabbering nonsense.

Mr. Marsh, your whole family is here.

Your wife, your daughter, and your son.

No,

your toilet is back at the farm.

Dad,

I'm sorry I yelled at you before.

I didn't know you were really trying to help.

Stan,

where are you going?

I let Dad down once.

Somebody has to pick up where he left off.

I promise we're doing all we can.

I'm sorry for what happened, but you need to leave it to the professionals.

There's something more going on here.

I think my dad was on to something, and I didn't listen to him, and now he's in

a hospital.

We've already got a few leads, and we're following up on all of them.

I assure you we take this all very seriously.

This isn't a joke to us.

Chief! Hey, Chief!

Yeah, an angry proctologist walked into the toilet section of Home Depot.

Yeah?

Proctologist says to the toilet manager, I ain't taking the fall, and pulls out

a gun on six Japanese delivery men.

Okay. So then the six Japanese delivery men show up, and the proctologist has

everyone held hostage, and he says he's not taking the fall for the Randy Mars

shooting.

Oh, shit, this is actually happening. Come on, people, let's go.

I ain't going down for this.

You got that, cop house?

I didn't shoot anybody.

But if I'm going down, I'll take these countless bastards out with me.

Would you like some sparkling water or champagne? Get out of here.

Come on out. There's no other way we have you surrounded.

I didn't shoot Randy Marsh.

Tie hand.

Nobody's saying you did.

No, but they're going to use me as their scapegoat.

They'll fix things like they always do.

Who will?

They'll use their lawyers and their power to make it all go away, just like

did back when that second -grade kid wrote a story in the school paper about

toilets two years ago.

They'll take me out, too.

There's no stopping them. Don't do it.

Sabichi!

All right, move in. Secure the area.

Second -grade kid two years ago wrote about toilets in the school newspaper.

You weren't warning me about people getting upset.

You know more about this.

Hey!

You wrote a story in the school paper and someone came after you.

Yeah, I wrote a story, big deal.

Jimmy, I want to know who shot my dad.

They took everything from me, Stan.

My bike, my cat.

They were going to sue my parents for what I wrote in the school paper.

You're talking about the toilet paper companies.

Who has the most to lose? It's all toilet paper, Stan.

Follow the money.

140 rolls per American per year.

Factories pushing out roll after roll while raising Earth's resources.

All of this for an unsanitary product that's been proven to contribute to anal

fishes. Don't you get it, man?

Paper doesn't clean bacteria.

It can't stop viruses.

With all that information, you'd think the World Health Organization would do

studies to find alternatives.

So why don't they?

Because toilet paper is an industry worth billions and billions of dollars.

Kimberly Clark, Georgia Pacific, Procter & Gamble.

They don't want Japanese toilets in America.

And they have the power to stop them.

And to stop you.

I can't believe they shot my dad.

Because he wanted to change things.

These people have deeper pockets than you can possibly imagine.

They can destroy everything you love, Sam.

Take my advice.

Don't squeeze the shaman.

You might be too scared, Jimmy, but I'm a marsh.

My fellow Americans, we have been coerced and brainwashed. While the rest

world walks around with cleaner buttholes, we are obsessed with dry

to us by billion -dollar corporations.

Yeah.

Hey, yeah, he's right.

My father wanted everyone to see that there were alternatives.

But they don't want him talking about alternatives.

Yeah!

And we can't be blindly buying their products anymore.

And as a town, we will find alternatives.

And we will not be afraid to... Stop! Stop!

We're not doing this.

Dad! Everyone just stop. We're not doing this. Thank you. South Park, we're

cutting this short. And I was totally wrong, and I want to apologize.

No, Dad, it's the toilet paper companies that are behind all this. Yeah, I know.

Yeah, so we have nothing against toilet paper. It's a great product, and it was

childish of me to make fun of it. Thanks, though. We'll see you later.

Dad, we can't just back down. Bro, I got fucking shot.

Japanese toilets are totally unnecessary, and in case anyone else is

I think all of South Park would like to apologize.

We retract what we said about toilet paper companies. They have done nothing

help us, and we're sorry.

South Park, everyone say you're sorry.

We're sorry.

Okay, great. Come on, guys. Let's go home.

What about helping people and leading by example?

We're not the goddamn Kennedy stand. Stop being an idiot.

Nice to have you back, old blue.

You know, guys, I'm actually not that sad.

Having a Japanese toilet was great, but I've come to realize that when you have

some big, nice luxury thing, it eventually just becomes normal.

But you start comparing it to all the other things in your life, which

feel you have to upgrade, too.

So it's really best to just stick with the beat -up, crappy old things we have.

Love you forever, honey.