Original subtitles

Previously on Desperate Housewives, Gabby learned a secret.

Lee and I are trying to adopt a baby.

Mike made a commitment.

I can be a guy who takes care of his family.

Lynette was warned.

I told Preston I want to move up wedding to next week. Next week?

A killer put everyone on edge.

I can't believe she's dead. I gotta go home. My mom's so freaked out. This

have been me. She wants me around.

So you're my brother?

Half -brother.

To be precise.

Suspicion was born. What do we really know about Sam?

I should find out everything I can. Why shouldn't you? He's your brother.

And a very dangerous man arrived on Wisteria Lane.

Good neighbors.

They loan you cups of sugar.

They tell you why your car won't start.

They even help you find your lost pet.

I just want to know who this person is. Good neighbors also come over at the

slightest hint of trouble.

Whether you want them there or not.

You know what? I'm tired of fighting them. Okay, fine. Walk away. It's what

always do.

Gabby, what are you doing?

I came to return this magazine Lee lent me, but you two were arguing, so... So

you decided it would be fun to eavesdrop?

God, you seem to my soul, and yet you don't judge.

Thank you.

Oh, come on, tell me what happened.

Our egg donor backed out.

Not again.

And the surrogate we hired will pull out if the procedure isn't done in the next

month. Oh, can't you find another egg donor?

We could if Lee wasn't so picky.

Why are you discussing this with her?

For God's sake, that was eavesdropping. Catch up.

Okay, yeah, I'm picky.

We spent two years choosing a mattress.

I'm not just going to get our child's DNA out of the yellow pages.

If we lose the surrogate, it could take months to find another one. Yeah, and

then she'll drop out for some ridiculous reason, and I can't take any more of

this.

Yeah, maybe we're not supposed to be parents.

Don't talk like that. Come on, doesn't it seem like the universe is trying to

tell us something?

Why not take mine?

Take your what?

My eggs.

I mean, I've got plenty, and I hate to see you guys so unhappy.

So what the heck?

Good neighbors.

They're people who try to help others.

Bad neighbors are people who make promises they can't possibly keep.

The morning paper said a young girl was missing.

It quoted her family, who said she had vanished on her way to work.

It quoted her friends, who said she wasn't the type to run away from home.

It quoted the police, who said they had very little evidence to go on.

Sadly, people didn't pay much attention to this bit of news.

No one thinks about evil until it shows up on their doorstep,

which it soon would.

Lady, put that thing down. Oh, yeah, and while I'm at it, why don't I just hand

you the keys now?

Hit the dirt.

Relax. I'm not stealing anything.

This is a repossession.

Do I look stupid to you? Fire!

Fire! What the hell are you doing?

People come quicker when you yell fire.

Now, I believe I told you to hit the dirt.

Where's the fire?

Susan, you okay?

I'm fine. Just call 911.

Hey, what's going on?

This thief is trying to steal your truck.

Hey. You're the guy who's four months behind on his payments?

Yeah.

Stop, drop, and roll!

Stop, drop, and roll!

Why didn't you tell me you were having money problems?

I was hoping business would pick up before anybody found out.

But I guess that's no longer an option.

Like we talked about this, I told you I am willing to help.

And I told you I'm not taking my wife's money.

Well, enough with the macho pride. I make a steady paycheck.

And I have all that money from selling Carl's Strip Club.

No, I'm definitely not taking your ex -husband's money. Are we done here?

Sure, as long as you can explain how you're going to run a plumbing business

without a truck.

I don't know.

I'll figure it out.

And for the cover of the book, I see you in an evening gown, sitting on a bale

of hay, ringing a dinner bell. I love it. Such a sense of windy.

Well, if it isn't the dynamic duo.

How did your meeting with the publisher go?

Fantastic. Bruce loved the idea of a Nouvelle Southern cookbook.

And your brother came up with the marketing slogan, In the Room.

Tell him, Sam.

Mrs. Vandekamp introduces you to upscale down -home cuisine.

Catchy.

I guess you know all about marketing, having an MBA and all.

I guess so.

Except, of course, you don't actually have an MBA.

What are you talking about?

I made a few calls, checked a few records.

Turns out the golden child never got his degree.

Is this true?

Yes, I'm a few classes short.

Is one of them ethics?

Andrew, please.

I don't understand.

It was the final semester.

We were about two months in when the doctor told me my mother was terminal.

I left school and brought her home so she didn't have to die in the hospital.

If you like, I can save you a phone call and bring in her death certificate.

That's okay.

The university let me graduate with my class. I should finish my coursework

month. But I'm sorry, Bree. I should not have misrepresented myself.

Everyone steps over the line now and then. Let's all make an effort not to.

Shall we?

This woman is incompetent.

Why you bring me here?

Hey, you're the one who had to come to a Russian bridal shop.

It wasn't thick.

Well, look at the fun you're having chewing people out in your native

Look, hey, I'm sorry for the way she's been talking to you.

Don't worry, you're not losing a son. You are gaining a pain in the ass.

Tell me about it.

My son is marrying a woman he barely knows. He's making the biggest mistake

his life, and I am powerless to stop him.

If you like, maybe I get a little floppy with the pushpin.

You're sweet.

Irina? It's your phone.

If he's pressed, then tell him I'll be home soon.

Okay, Your Highness.

Bride's phone.

Okay. Slow down.

I... I don't speak Russian. Irina, it's some Russian guy, and he doesn't sound

happy.

What

was

that? Wrong number.

Wrong number? He asked for you by name.

If I wanted you to know, I would say it in English.

Mrs.

I can say it in English.

Hey, double cappuccino, extra hot.

Need anything else?

Inspiration.

Sorry, we just have muffins.

What are you working on?

A novel.

I know, another guy in a coffee shop writing a novel, just what the world

Well, I think it's cool.

Mind if I ask what it's about?

You really want to know?

I do.

It started out as a love story.

But it's getting kind of dark.

This guy meets this girl.

Takes her from nothing.

Gives her life meaning.

Basically creates her.

Okay.

Then one day...

She just disappears.

Vanishes.

With another man.

Sucks for the guy.

And she takes his baby.

Damn. She sounds like a bitch.

Sure does.

Anyhow, I'm up to the point where the guy who's been looking for her for a

time finally tracks her down.

And that's where I'm kind of stuck.

What does he do?

Well, I don't know all the details, but you said it was dark, right?

Yeah.

Seems to me the guy would kill her.

Funny, that was exactly my first instinct, too.

No. No?

You asked my permission to be an egg donor, and I said no.

Oh, I wasn't asking you. I was telling you.

Sorry, you can't do this without my approval. Those eggs are half mine.

How so?

I'm your husband. I own 50 % of whatever comes out of that uterus.

Oh, so you think you own my body.

I pay for the clothes it wears, the massages it receives, and the implants

will one day require.

If I don't own it, I'm at least a major stockholder, which means I can stop you

from handing out your eggs like party favors to every childless gay couple

wanders by.

Stop me. I can do whatever I want with my eggs.

And I can do whatever I want with the credit cards I pay for. For example, I

cut them up. I don't care about credit cards.

I am trying to do something noble here. I'm helping these people become a

family.

You've hidden the cards, haven't you?

Damn straight.

Okay, I am begging you as your husband, please don't do this.

It'll be too weird having your DNA living next door.

I don't care. My mind is made up. I'm going to help Bob and Lee have a baby so

they can experience the same love and joy that we occasionally have with our

children.

So, the Russian sales girl translated for me, and you'll never guess what

said to the angry guy on the phone.

Please don't make me guess.

She said, go ahead and call the police. You'll never find me.

And that's it.

How much more do you need?

She is a foreigner. She's done something criminal. Start your deportation now.

Ma 'am, without proof of criminal activity, there's nothing I can do.

Why can't you at least interrogate her?

Yes, and if you want to slap her around a bit, you'll get no complaints from me.

Look, Mrs. Scava, we are a government agency.

We can't investigate your future daughter -in -law just because you don't

she's good for your son.

That all make sense now? You're single, right? Never had any kids? Yeah, so?

You just don't get it.

Hey, nice looking family. That your daughter -in -law?

Yeah. You two get along?

Don't get me started.

Got a minute?

Okay, what are you doing?

Plumbing the sink.

What? Daddy needs work.

Oh, honey, that's sweet.

Daddy only gets paid when other people have plumbing problems.

So I should do this to somebody else's sink?

No, honey, that would be wrong.

I'm having a problem with Mike and his male ego.

Long story short, can I clog your drain?

So don't phone Mike until I get home.

And when you call him, sound desperate.

That way he'll feel you.

But don't call till Saturday. He gets double time on weekends.

There's enough there for a tip, but careful when you give it to him. I don't

want him thinking anyone's doing him a favor.

Trust me, Bruce. After they taste these recipes, they will be on board.

Just give me the chance to dazzle them.

Okay. Bye.

Problems? Bruce got a little resistance when he met with the sales team. They

fear southern cookbooks are a tad overdone.

So I suggest that we have a little dinner to let them sample the recipes

themselves. Excellent.

We have to really impress them. Let's see if we can book the private dining

at the Britannian Hotel.

I'll take care of it.

But before I do, I have something difficult to say.

Well, I hope it's not about that silly MBA business.

I think I know why Andrew tried to discredit me yesterday.

Oh?

He knew you had me auditing the books, and he knew what I was going to find.

What did you find?

You charge the Donnellys for five cases of vodka?

Yeah, so?

According to our invoices, only four were delivered to their party, and the

Rotary Club luncheon was charged for seven cases of wine, and only six showed

up.

Why are you even looking at this stuff?

And I seem to recall you having a party that same weekend with lots of wine and

lots of vodka. Okay, yeah, I took some leftover booze to my house for a party.

What's the big deal? It wasn't leftover. You charged the client for that liquor.

That's stealing.

Is Sam the one who told you about this? We are not talking about Sam right now.

But we need to.

Can't you see the type of person he is? Yes, he is the type of person who leaves

college to care for his dying mother. You are the type of person who steals

clients.

Believe what you want to believe, but I'm not going to listen to this.

Andrew?

Don't you walk away from me.

Can't you see how he's manipulating you?

How stupid can you be? Apparently I'm stupid enough to have trusted you.

Well, if I'm the problem, why not just fire me? I'm tempted. Don't push me.

Clear your things out and turn in your keys.

Hey, Tom.

Did Irina and Preston say when they'd be back from the mall?

Stop!

Stop what?

Not you. I'm teaching Parker to drive.

I'm planning to steal Irina's passport number.

Oh, God, what are you up to now?

I have a new best friend at immigration who's got a friend at the Russian

embassy who's agreed to initiate a background search.

Lynette, this is getting out of hand.

That woman is hiding something, and I am taking her down.

Ah!

Come on.

We shouldn't be in here with the door closed.

My mom gets a little freaked out.

Well, your mother is a prude.

That is what happens to a woman when they grow old.

Look at me.

Who's that?

Your mom.

Get home now.

Trapped behind the closet door, Preston and Irina are about to... Pull over.

I gotta get home fast.

I can go fast.

You're getting my mom now.

No. It was making fun.

Honey maple short ribs drizzled with manzanilla sherry.

These are amazing.

Bruce's sales team will be powerless to resist.

Well, you were really focused on this dinner, which is amazing, considering

happened.

I mean, firing your own son.

I've done worse things to Andrew.

We have a very complicated relationship.

You'll see that the longer you're at the company.

How? You fired him. No, that's just our pattern. He provokes me and I push him

away, but we always come back together.

So, you're going to bring him back in?

Eventually. But this stealing, the way he spoke to you... Sam, he's my son.

Hey, busy day, huh?

Yeah, busy week.

So funny, I've had all this work right here on the lane.

Well, that's good, right? Especially since you don't have your truck.

Uh -huh.

Hey, guess what I found?

Oh, my earring.

I've been looking all over for that. Where'd you find it?

Gabby's bathtub drain.

Oh.

Gabby and I went jogging, and then I hugged her. So my earring probably got

caught in her sports bra when she went to take a bath. Hey, do you

want to have sex?

So Gabby's drain, Angie's garbage disposal, Lynette's toilet. I mean the

dirty sex.

So now I have to return all that money.

No, you don't.

Gave it to them.

You're saying everyone on the street knows I'm having financial trouble?

Well, I think they already figured that out when they saw your truck get

repossessed out of our driveway.

This is humiliating, Susan.

I'm sorry, but it all could have been prevented if you'd just let me make a

stupid payments on your truck.

I told you, I don't want your help. This is my business.

My problem. You know, I don't remember all those my's in our wedding vows. It's

supposed to be a partnership.

If you can't let me help you, maybe there's something wrong with our

I'm not going to listen to this, all right? I'm tired.

I had a busy day wasting my time.

I sleep on the couch.

Penny? You up there?

Hello?

Oh, jeez, Nick, you scared me.

I think I got home and I thought I heard a noise.

No, it's fine.

It's very homical.

To Gabrielle Solis, the best neighbor two childless, upwardly mobile gay guys

could ever have.

Hey! No, no, that was purely ceremonial. We don't want you drinking.

Why? Does it affect my fertility?

That. And you're kind of a sloppy trope.

Fine.

Let's talk baby.

So, what are you guys hoping for? A boy or a girl?

I want a girl. That way we can put her in baby beauty pageants.

Yeah, they're so cute in their makeup and rhinestone dresses.

Really? You guys gonna do that?

Why not?

It's just I kind of dabbled in that world, and for me it was a bit much.

Well, don't panic.

50 % chance it's a boy.

Then it's makeup and rhinestone bath.

What? He's kidding.

He better be. There's no way I'm allowing that.

Now that I think about it, I do hope we have a boy.

And why is that?

I already have two girls. I'm so sick of buying dresses. When he's old enough,

I'm going to take him on the biggest shopping spree ever.

I guess you can do that when we come back to visit.

Visit? Where are you going?

My mother lives in upstate New York. We thought we'd move closer to her so the

baby can be around family.

Really?

Is that a problem?

It just never occurred to me that you guys would leave and take my only son.

Gabby, this child, it'll have your genes.

But it won't be yours.

You get that, right?

Of course.

I mean, it's the only way it can work, right?

Come on.

You ready?

Okay, no peeking.

Are you going to beat me again this time?

Guys?

No.

Mommy, why do you look so sad?

Well, I was just thinking about what it would be like if I couldn't see your

face every day and it made me sad.

What's going on?

I'm out of the kitchen.

I want you to spend some time with these people. Mingle, have a drink. I don't

drink, Bruce. I'm an alcoholic.

One drink. I'm not asking you to swing from the chandelier. Why are you so

nervous?

I really put my neck on the line for this book, Bree.

No one likes the idea.

No one.

Oh, I should have stopped at just one drink.

Look, they are going to love the food.

I hope so.

Because if they don't, I don't see how you're going to publish another book of

any kind.

Pop two, people. This is a big one.

Is something wrong?

What's this?

It's the cherry we drizzle on the rim.

This isn't cherry. This is vinegar. Vinegar?

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

It's ruined.

They're all ruined. It's disgusting.

The floor's not looking so great, either.

Stop! We can't serve this food.

We've already taken out most of the plates. Well, don't just stand there. Go

them back.

How can it be vinegar?

We tested the recipe last night, and it was perfect. And then I locked the

sherry in the liquor cabinet.

Who had access?

Did you give Andrew's keys to anyone after you fired him? He never returned

key.

Oh, Bree.

They won't get the plates back.

The publisher guy's giving a little speech, and then they're going to eat.

No, no, no, no. I'm not going to lose my cookbook career over this.

God.

Hand me that toy.

Bon Appetit, everybody.

I just made you real hot chocolate.

Don't I get a smile?

My son tried to ruin my career tonight.

I don't think I'll ever smile again.

Honestly, I don't think Andrew had anything to do with it.

You don't? Look at the planning that went into it.

The vinegar had to be substituted for the sherry after you'd selected the

bottle, but before you'd left for the event.

And the ingredient had to be something you wouldn't sample.

Come on.

Andrew's not clever enough to pull that off. He can't even feel a case of wine

without getting caught.

Well, then who do you think did it?

Well, it'd have to be somebody pretty smart.

At least smart enough to get an MBA.

Sam?

That's ridiculous.

Why would he want to hurt me?

Who said he wanted to hurt you?

Andrew's the one taking this fall.

No, that's not possible.

What if they stand again?

What a good question.

Enjoy your chocolate.

Every once in a while I catch Susan looking at me this certain way.

You know, I'm putting on my shirt or mowing the lawn. I'll turn my head and

catch her with this look in her eyes.

And I know.

She's thinking that she's lucky to have me.

So how can I tell her I'm dead and broke?

How can I say, I can't take your money because it won't begin to cover the

I've been racking up for the last year?

She thinks it's a couple of truck payments.

She's got no idea.

This will really hurt her.

She found out I kept this from her.

I don't think I'd ever see that look from her again.

And I can't let that happen.

Tell me how much you need.

Double cap, extra hot, right?

Wow.

Good memory.

I haven't seen you for a while. I thought maybe you left town.

I'm not leaving until I finish my book.

Oh, right, yeah. How's that going?

Did the guy kill her?

I tried to write it that way.

He went over there. She was alone.

He had the chance.

And what happened?

Just seemed too easy.

So are you stuck again?

No.

I've got a better idea.

If you think about it, the worst part of what she did was taking the kid, right?

So, I figure the best way for him to get revenge

is to take something from her.

But what can he take that's going to be as bad as what she did?

He's going to take the kid, right?

That's what I'm thinking.

Hey.

Hey.

So I guess Carl talked to you guys?

He did.

I feel awful.

The more he thought about it, he just couldn't let me do this.

Let's face it, he does have a say.

That's completely understandable, Gabby. It was a lot to ask.

So, where's Lee? I want to talk to him, too.

He left.

Left?

After Carlos came over, Lee and I got into yet another fight, and... we broke

up.

Are you kidding me?

Lee says he can't go through it again.

I'm determined to have a child, so...

Is there anything I can do?

No. Right.

Sorry.

It's okay, Gabby. Like I said, it was a lot to ask.

My left shoe is missing. We'll find it. I can't get married in one shoe. Just

get dressed. The wedding starts in half an hour.

Maybe he should wear sneakers.

He'll be wild, like he's too cool to care.

Or I could just help him keep looking.

There you go.

Lynette! Help me look for Preston's shoe!

Lynette!

What are you doing?

I need your help. Preston can't find his shoe.

I put it in the oven.

Why? Because that woman at immigration never called me back, and I am screwed.

Oh, honey.

Come on. Hiding a shoe isn't going to stop them from getting married.

I know. I just wanted a few more minutes before I had to tell my son I'm not

going to his wedding.

Lynette. I will not be a hypocrite, Tom. I know how you feel. But if you think

Irina's got power now, just you wait until you don't show up to your son's

wedding. Oh, I wish.

I wish.

I went to church more often. I could really use a favor from the man upstairs

right about now.

Scalvo!

You're not going to believe what I found.

I'll see you Sunday morning.

You look beautiful.

Thank you.

I'm guessing this one's much nicer than your first wedding dress, you know?

When you got married in Russia to Alexei Kotikov.

Here in America, we actually get divorced before we get married again.

Otherwise, you spend your honeymoon in jail.

Alexei told me if I marry him, he will give me a good life.

But he didn't.

He never worked.

He treated me badly.

Now he won't sign the divorce papers unless I give him money.

Uh -huh.

Okay. That explains.

What about the guy in Italy who pressed charges after you cleaned out his

bank account?

That guy was a pig.

Believe me, I earned every penny.

We have a term in America for women who get paid for sex, and it's not daughter

-in -law.

You know why it doesn't bother me that you don't like me?

Can't wait.

Because it really doesn't matter.

All that matters is that one hour from now, I will have a ring on this

finger.

And I will be the most important person in his life.

So, keep pressing your little file.

I will explain it all away.

And he will believe every word we owe you, Dad.

Preston.

Mom, do you mind?

I need to talk to Irina.

Hey. Your father told me you called off the wedding.

Obviously, I think you are doing the right thing.

I know you hate me right now, and I just want you to know that I am okay with

that.

I love you so much. I would rather have you resent me or even cut me off

completely than to allow you to make a mistake that could ruin your life.

So go ahead.

Hate me for as long as you want. And when you are done, I will be here

Try not to take too long, because I miss you already.

Hey.

Hey, where are you going?

Motel. I feel like a flight out of this horrible place.

The gobbles couldn't even give you a lift?

It's harsh.

I want nothing from the gobbles.

They're dead to me.

Lucky for you, I am not a scavo.

Sorry

about

the wedding.

It's practice loss, man. I mean, it'll never get someone as hot as you again. I

don't want to talk about it.

Sure, you know, I get that.

Now, if you want to save money, you could always skip the motel and stay at

place.

I don't think so.

No, I promise. No funny business.

I mean, unless you want some.

Yeah, I mean, think of it as a transition relationship.

It'll help you get over Preston.

I have no problem letting you use me. Okay, enough.

I'm a little out of your league, don't you think?

I mean, I didn't come to America to end up with some greasy head little boy.

Abby? We all know that evil exists.

The newspapers are filled with stories about young girls who suddenly vanish.

But we don't pay attention because we're worried about our marriages,

concerned about our friendships,

anxious about our

employees,

Yes, we don't pay attention to evil because we think it will never come to

house.

But it does.

I'm here to pick up Porter for school.

And sometimes... How you doing?

We let it in.