All language subtitles for Alien Outlaw.1985.576p.BDRip-AVC.ZONE.en

[man] ♪ I once spent a night with a lady ♪

♪ Who was as fine as could be ♪

♪ When the sun rose ♪

♪ I got on my horse ♪

♪ And I was preparing to leave ♪

♪ She couldn't believe I was going ♪

♪ She told me my words were untrue ♪

♪ She said I must have been
Telling a lie... ♪

- Wes, do you have to leave tonight?
- I should have left this morning.

Jesse's gonna be mad as hell at me

if I don't get this show
to the motel before sunrise.

Oh, what's the rush?

I was supposed to be there this afternoon.

Jesse's not booked to perform
for at least a couple more days.

[song continues playing]

[moaning softly]

But I think you're forgetting
about practice.

One doesn't put on
a show like this without...

practice.

Mmm, then hang around and we'll practice.

Whoa, baby. We've been practicing all day.

Then it's time to perform.

Jesse is going to perform on my skull

if I don't get this show on the road.

- Oh...
- Don't worry, lover.

The show's only booked
for a few performances.

I'll be back here again before we take it
to another part of the country.

Another part of the country?

- And another cabin?
- Mmm...

- And another girl?
- Mmm...

Oh, well. Who cares?
I'm having a good time.

[owl hooting]

Now go check the trailer
and make sure the door's closed tight.

♪ When I had spoken my heart ♪

♪ Tears had softened her eyes ♪

[song continues playing]

Well, how's the door?

- All secure.
- Good.

Then I guess it's time to go.

Too bad.

I hope you've had a good time. I have.

This cabin and these mountains
hold some beautiful memories.

Does that mean you'll come back up here
when I can get away?

If you promise to come here every time
the show's within 500 miles of this place.

You can count on it.

[owl hooting]

Think this thing will get you
where you're going?

Why is Jesse so cheap?

Any act that claims
to be the best of its kind

should at least have a truck
to haul it around in.

It could look better, PR-wise.

But for now,
we'll just be content on being the best.

Is Jesse really that good?

"The best"?

There's always someone better.

You can make an exception
in this case, baby.

As far as the planet Earth goes,
there ain't a gunslinger on this terrain

that can handle weapons
better than Jesse Jamison.

[beeping, warbling]

[explosion]

[explosion]

[explosion continues]

Damn. A plane crash.

- [insects chittering]
- [owl hooting]

Is anybody out there?

This is crazy.

It's gotta be here.

[roaring]

[speaking alien language]

No!

No, wait! No! No! No, please!

Please don't. No!

No, please don't! No, wait. No! No!

No!

[gunshots]

It's been a long time since I've seen
anyone do that blindfolded.

[clicks tongue] It's good.

Hey.

The sharpshooters I knew back in
the old days used one exactly like this,

only they were so thin that when you put
them on, you could see right through it.

But it fooled the audience, and for
some people that's all that mattered.

[gunfire continues nearby]

Now let's see how sharp
those pretty eyes of yours really are.

These things blow up real pretty
when you hit one just right.

Let's see a bull's-eye.

It's all yours, Miss Jesse.

Hey, that was great, Jesse!

I hope I please you, Sunset.

What I've seen pleases me
very much, Jesse.

And if the rest of your show is anything
like what I've seen this morning,

I have no doubt the Diamond
theatrical agency will sign you up.

Jesse Jamison, fastest gun on earth!

I never claimed to be the fastest, Sunset.
Just the best.

Only the best?

The Diamond Booking Agency
is also the best.

They book acts
for all the big American amusement parks,

all the nightclubs, rodeos
and foreign shows.

My interview with Mrs. Diamond
is still at 1:00?

At 1:00.

And because I think you've got something
more on the ball than meets the eye,

let me warn you,

be prepared when you walk
into her office to sell your show.

She's a tough old gal,

and she's never snowed by a pretty face.

She just uses them
to sell advertising or bookings.

I understand.

A lot of her agents have seen your show
and they're well impressed.

So while you're in her office,
do let her know you're there for business.

Thanks, Sunset.
I'll be all business at 1:00.

Hey! And don't forget,
it doesn't hurt to look your best.

[clicks tongue]

[ringing]

Hello?

- [Jesse] Good morning, Frank.
- Oh, good morning, Jesse.

My business manager
was up late last night.

Yeah. I think maybe I got us
some bookings and show dates.

Get any private bookings, Frank?

Sounds like you had quite
a show date yourself last night.

- Oh, that agent's secretary.
- She was pretty, Frank.

Did you convince her you were
a big-time booking agent

for the greatest gun show on earth?

Come off it, Jesse.
That girl was business.

She's got a lot of contacts.

Probably a long list of them.

Better go to the health clinic, Frank.

[groans] I'd be writing all this down
if it were funny, Jesse.

I have something else
that isn't funny, Frank.

What, Jesse?

Have you ever noticed how you and Wes

seem to get all sorts of pretty girls
using my show,

but I'm not making any money?

- You've been making money.
- Not much.

And speaking of not much,
just where is Wes?

You mean he's not here yet?

That's right, Frank.
That's just what I mean.

Well, he's probably still at his cabin.

Why, Frank? Why is he still at his cabin?

We don't have a show
for two more days, Jesse.

I need to practice, Frank.

I need my show.

- He'll be here.
- You've told me that before, Frank.

We've missed shows before, Frank.

- Cut it out. I'm tired. I was up late.
- [woman] I'm sorry.

This is the operator.
You'll have to deposit another--

Just charge it to her room
and shut up, Operator.

Sir?

- [Jesse] Frank?
- Or put it on my bill.

Whoever heard of a hotel operator
charging for a room-to-room call?

- I'm not at the motel, Frank.
- Where the hell are you?

I had an appointment today
with the Diamond book--

Uh, I had an appointment
to have the oil in my car changed.

- All right, we'll talk tonight.
- We'll talk when I get back, Frank.

Fine. Right now, I just want some sleep.

Right now, I want you to find out
where Wes's cabin is.

[operator]
Sir, I cannot put it on your bill.

[Frank] I bet this operator is only 15
and she's wearing some really tight pants.

- [operator] Sir...
- We were talking about Wes's cabin.

- ... do you realize this is a public utility...
- [Frank] What?

- Wes's cabin!
- [Frank] It's in the mountains.

Wow, that tells me a lot, Frank.
I know it's in the mountains.

Wes has some kind of nasty cabin tucked
away on every mountain in the country.

- I want you to find out where this one is.
- [operator continues talking]

Go there if you have to. I want my show.

I want it at the motel.
And I want it tonight.

Call Wes's uncle.

[operator] ...regarding the operation
of this facility.

- You know, I like young girls, Operator.
- [operator] I must insist that--

Wes's uncle Alex. He'll know where it is.

Frank, you call Alex.

- Abusive language will not be tolerated...
- [Frank] Okay, just let me get some sleep.

- Call now, Frank.
- Okay. Just let me get some sleep.

Call now, Frank!

I can't hear you, Jesse.
This line's too noisy.

What color are your shorts, Operator?

[dial tone]

Why have I put up with this for so long?

Whew.

Whew-whew!

Now, Jack, that's a nice outfit.

[barking]

Hey, you can't bring it back!

[engine off]

- Good morning, Miss Jamison.
- What's going on here?

I believe it's about checkout time,
Miss Jamison.

Checkout time?
We're gonna be here for two more days.

I'm sorry, Miss Jamison.
No one made me aware of that.

Well, you're aware of it now.

Put my bags back in the room.

I'm terribly sorry, Miss Jamison,
but we're all filled up.

And I've already booked
this room for the week.

That's ridiculous.
You must have another room.

What about my manager? Where is he?

We called him
when he was late for checkout time.

He said he wanted his room
for two more nights.

And didn't he also say that I wanted
this room for two more nights?

Apparently, you are the victim
of bad management, Miss Jamison.

[chuckles]

We're liberal people here. We understand.

I'll have the porter take your bags
down to your, uh, manager's room.

- Boy.
- Huh?

The bags in front of 203,
take them down to 110.

I'm going to lunch.

- Always leaving for lunch.
- What's that?

- I said, "Yes, ma'am."
- Oh.

Well, hop to it.

I like to see a little hustle
out of my employees,

especially when I'm having to pay them
minimum wage.

Going right now.

Carry the bags, clean the room,
swab the deck, mop the floor!

Take them up, take them down!

Frank! Frank, open the door.

[knocking continues]

Frank, I wanna talk to you.

It's monotonous. I'm young.
I need some excitement around here.

I wanna swing. I wanna dance.
I wanna ha-cha-cha-cha.

- Frank?
- [groans]

[Jesse] I have a 1:00 appointment
and I need this room.

Frank?

Okay, Frank.

Do you have a passkey?

No, ma'am.

- Only the manager has a passkey.
- Where is she?

Godzilla's gone to lunch.

[splutters]

Never mind me. I'm just the porter.

[singsongy] Frank!

Dear? Dear?

Beautiful man!

Frank...

- Frank.
- [mouthing words]

Wake up, sleepy head.

Get the hell up!

- Come and open the door, Frank.
- [mouthing words]

He doesn't seem to hear me.

Okay, scum! Open the damn door!

That was it, Frank.
That was your last chance.

Better be away from the door now,
Rip Van Winkle.

- Ow.
- I've got a passkey to open all doors.

I hate this job!

Wake-up call.

[horse whinnies]

[whinnying continues]

[chuckles]

[imitates gunshot]

[breathing heavily]

[horse whinnies]

Hey, bozo. What are you doing in there?

We put the door up to keep the horse in.

So keep the doors shut.

What is this, Halloween?

[alien shrieks]

[pop song playing on car radio]

[engine off]

- Hi, boys.
- Hello, Alex.

Good to see you.

[Alex] You fellas up here for a vacation?

- Uh-huh.
- You bet.

Oh. Yeah, college students always dress
more for comfort than they do for working.

Oh, she's not there for work.

It's a study course from college, I think.

Check it out.

[sheep bleating]

She's majoring in agriculture
and farm resources, I believe.

[chuckles] Maybe we should help her out
and see that she gets the lay of the land.

You know? Me?

Here.

- Are you ready?
- Just a minute.

This all looks a little strange to me.

[man] You ready?
Get the hell outta there. Come on.

You boys were looking
at the girl, weren't you?

Have you noticed she's moved over there?

Damn!

[laughing]

Why in the immortal hell

didn't you tell me
they were clearing land?

You all right, Alex?
Hey, is that the last one, Jane?

I think so, Peter. At least for today.

- Hello, Alex!
- Hello, Luger.

What are you doing off work so early?

Well, I got special company
coming tonight.

I had to go home and clean my house.

I tell you what,
after you get through cleaning yours,

come over and help me clean mine,
all right?

Looks like you got a college girl
to help you clean yours.

Ah, hell, she's one of them modern women.

She'd rather work out in the garden
like a mule.

[laughs]

Hey-- Damn! She's crazy too!

I wonder why it is Luger always gets
those female students

to come up and intern on his farm?

Maybe he's got an earthy sex appeal
about him. What do you think?

How about you, pal?

Who's the special company
you're expecting this evening?

Just a girl my nephew works for.

Uh, your nephew Wes?

- [Alex] That's right.
- Wes?

Where the hell does he find time to work?

Every time I hear from that boy,
he's shacked up somewhere.

Wes's daddy left him so much money,
he bought six damn mountain cabins,

each one of them
in a different part of the country.

And he keeps them all stocked
with young lovers. You know what I mean?

- Mm. Sounds nice.
- Yeah.

But who is this woman he works for?

Well, I probably should have said
"worked for" instead of "works for."

I think she's coming up to fire him,
and I can't say he doesn't deserve it.

- That isn't that Jesse Jamison, is it?
- The one and only.

- Who's Jesse Jamison?
- She's the Annie Oakley of the '808.

- You've never heard of her?
- The what?

She's got a gun show and it's pretty good,

despite the way my nephew and
that lazy manager of hers has handled it.

Yeah, but, you know,
they do a lot of low-rent stuff--

perform for supermarkets,
department store grand openings.

You know what those things are like.

Yeah, but with a little bigger show
and a little more range,

I think she could hit the big time.

She's a fantastic lady, Peter, and she
handles a gun like nobody I've ever seen.

Well, sounds like ol' Alex
should have us over for dinner tonight.

- Huh?
- Definitely.

- I will on one condition.
- What's that, Alex?

Tell me where in these damn mountains

are you gonna find fish big enough
for this rig you're carrying?

[Peter laughs]

It's big enough for the Loch Ness Monster.

This is just for casting practice.

I brought it along because
I'm in a large tournament next week

and I want to do real good in it.

- Jane, I'll be back in a minute!
- [Jane] All right!

Why don't you just show him
how you hang those big ones, Peter?

Okay, watch this.

[Andrew] This man never misses.
Buffalo Bill with a fishing rod.

- [laughs]
- What the hell?

Boy, I'll tell you one thing.

You better be glad
you didn't get no skin off my hind end,

'cause I'd sure take some of yours.

Maybe you should just show Jesse Jamison
how you handle that rod of yours, Peter.

Well, so much for the humor.

I'll see you boys over at my place
for dinner, right?

- You got it. See you, Alex.
- Take care, Alex.

[engine starts]

Alex, why don't you take
these two turds with you?

All right, let's hit these woods, buddy.

[grunts] I'm about ready
for a little recreation.

It looks like a beautiful day.
I can't wait!

- Let's do it.
- Hey, Jane!

Would you like to go along with us up to
the creek for a little fun and relaxation?

Me? Alone with you two?

Why not? Besides,
you'll get to see Andrew sunbathe.

That's right. Why don't you come on?
We can take all our clothes off.

I think I'll be safer if I stay here
and keep my clothes on.

[both groan]

- That's too bad.
- [Luger] Hey, Jane!

You stay away from them boys.

It ain't no time for partying.
You boys leave her alone.

Anyway, I have to work.

So maybe next time.

- Okay, maybe next time.
- Wow, yes, ma'am.

Maybe.

Jane, I'll be back in a minute, I reckon.

Y'all just go about your business now.

- Next time. Anytime.
- Wow, yes, ma'am.

- Okay. See you, Janie.
- See you.

It's just as well. It'll be me and you.
Drink a few beers, do a little fishing.

[chattering]

[Jane] They're silly.

- [gasps]
- [alien snarls]

I wonder how they pay the rent with this.

Small-time stuff here.

[sighs]

Interesting portfolio, Miss Jamison.

Very interesting.

You present your credentials quite well.

Nevertheless, I've always felt
that gun shows and things of that sort

are about as exciting as a bowel movement.

- You know what I mean.
- Well, no.

I've never compared entertainment
to a bodily function before.

You would if you saw
some of the stuff that comes in here.

What I'm saying is
that acts like gun shows

just do not have punch.

They lack sparkle, style.

You know what I'm saying.

I only know
you're not talking about my show.

The Diamond Booking Agency
needs acts with class.

We play in places besides...

mill towns and county fairs.

We book acts and talent

for some of the most prestigious
social events in the country.

You are aware of our prestige and
reputation in the business, aren't you?

- That's why I'm here.
- Of course.

[chuckles]

And you know it takes a great deal
of skillful and well-schooled talent

to fill the needs and demands
of our clientele.

People are asking us
to provide entertainment

for all types of occasions.

- Sounds like you need me.
- We need people with something special.

People who can take something
as dated and dull as a gun show

and turn it into...

a momentous event.

A momentous event?
Now you're talking about my show.

Oh? Really?

Oh, yes.

A momentous event?

- A gun show?
- Yes, Mrs. Diamond.

- Your gun show?
- A momentous event.

A momentous event?

That's not exactly what I hear.

But it's pretty close.

And if what my talent scouts and advisers
are telling me is true, Miss Jamison,

then it's time for your act
to move up in the world.

With us.

With the help
of the Diamond Booking Agency,

you can have not only
the best gun show on earth,

but the greatest gun show
the earth has ever seen.

We are that big, Miss Jamison.

Oh, really?

Miss Jamison,
with the help of Diamond Booking,

you will never have to play
one of those backwoods performances again.

[sheep bleating]

[alien breathing heavily]

[pop music playing on boom box]

[Andrew whooping]

- [Peter] We made it.
- [Andrew] This is it!

- This is great.
- This is it!

I outdid myself again.

We're back to nature!

Whoo!

- Throw me one of those beers.
- Let me get my stuff settled.

[Andrew]
Get this old feller out right here.

- Where's that beer at?
- I'm coming. I'm coming.

Here.

Man, let's cool that boy off a little bit.

It's time to get crazy.

Crazy? You already look like a lunatic.

- Settle down.
- Oh, kiss my shorts, brother.

We're in the country. Come on. It's time
to let loose and have a little bit of fun.

Damn, you idiot!
What the hell's wrong with you?

What's wrong with you?

I came out here to get loose,
enjoy myself, have a little fun.

Well, tighten up.
I came out here to relax, all right?

Relax?

This is the jungle, man.
Wild beasts. Hungry predators. Here.

Come on, fire a few rounds.

Loosen up a little bit.

Come on. Kill some animals.
Enjoy yourself.

No.

I don't feel like making a fool
out of myself today. Okay, Andrew?

I came out here with you to get
a little relaxation and a little sun,

and on top of that,
a lot of peace and quiet.

Let me practice
casting my line, all right?

Man, you're already getting dull.
We ain't been here ten minutes.

Jeez.

[burps]

- [reel spinning]
- [lure splashes in water]

[splash]

Sorry, Peter. I won't disturb you anymore.

- Okay?
- Man...

Ha-ha. Look at this.

Thanks, Mr. Clean.

Oh, I just really appreciate
you picking up my trash.

Ha! What can I say?

I guess you are pretty good
with that thing.

I'll tell you, Andrew, I really want
to win that tournament next weekend.

You know they're giving away a boat?

The grand prize is a boat.

Think you got any chance at all
of winning it?

I don't know. I'll be up against
some pretty stiff competition.

I'm fairly good with that light line,

but it's this heavier stuff
that gives me the trouble.

See, that's why I brought along
this 17-pound test line.

- I need practice. Lots of practice.
[newscaster chattering on radio]

Well, practice, practice, practice.

Thank you.

What do you say for now
we go find some serious targets, though?

What?

Let's trot over that hill right there.

I'll bet there's a lot of birds
over there.

Eff.

I'm gonna let you use my favorite rifle.

I'm gonna try to bring them down
with this baby right here.

- "Bring them down"?
- Birds.

- Birds!
- Why?

What the hell is wrong with you?
I mean, what's your problem?

I just don't like killing animals.

Christ, they're just birds, damn it,

and there's nothing wrong
with knocking off a few damn birds--

or squirrels, or rabbits, or whatever.

Then enjoy yourself.

I could have sworn
we came up here on vacation.

- We are.
- Then when are we gonna start having fun?

- I am, Andrew.
- Casting your damn fishing rod.

There are some pleasures in life
that just can't be defined,

and this happens to be one of them.

Well, you just have yourself a real blast.

Don't kill anything you won't eat.

Yes, sir, Mr. Game Warden.

- I just don't like waste. That's all.
- Waste?

I'd like for you to know
that if it wasn't for hunters,

there'd be a lot of stinking animals
running wild all over the place.

So there's just nothing wrong
with shooting a few damn birds.

- Then have a good kill, pioneer.
- You can bet on it.

And tell Daniel Boone I said hello.

And beware of redskins. You know there's
potential danger behind every tree.

Listen, butt face,
you'd be thinking a lot differently

if squirrels and other animals
weren't kept in control around here.

Right. First you want to shoot at targets.

Next you want to terminate
out-of-control squirrels.

Why don't you go ahead
and make a big joke about it.

But you just remember this:

It's people like me
who protect people like you.

Protect me, Andrew.

Protect me from the deadly squirrels.
Oh, they're falling out of the sky!

The crazed deer! The vicious rabbits!

[gasps] Here comes a deadly woodpecker!
Look out!

- [laughing]
- Jackass.

Go on.

Acts like a dildo.

[speaking alien language]

P-Peter? Peter!

H-Help!

Help? Ha!

Help!

Help you kill some poor animal?

Why don't you try shooting at something
that can shoot back?

Andrew?

Where has he gone?

Andrew!

You all right?

Andrew!

Andrew!

Oh, God!

No.

- [roaring]
- [whimpers]

[groans]

[groaning continues]

[shrieking]

[shrieking continues]

[Jesse]
And this gun was given to me by my father.

It's a Browning .22 lever-action.

I started shooting with that gun
when I was seven years old.

Tremendous collection.

And you say your show
is in transit at the present time?

- Yes.
- In good hands, I hope.

So, in a week, you will have fulfilled
all of your prior commitments.

- Eh, Miss Jamison?
- Yes, Mrs. Diamond.

I wish you could start
preparing and organizing

your new show with us immediately,

but I respect your obligation
with other agents.

And I am sure you will show
the same courtesies to the Diamond Agency.

- Thank you.
- But let me caution you, Miss Jamison.

In a week, we will be promoting you big.

No more small-town stuff.

You will have to stop giving
those backwoods performances.

Well, I certainly don't expect--

We will be working on an image,
Miss Jamison.

Understand?
- Yes.

With the Diamond Booking Agency
behind you,

the scope of your little gun show
will be stretched beyond your imagination.

[horns honking]

Okay, Mrs. Diamond.

After this week,
no more backwoods performances.

[door opens, closes]

Oh, Jesse.

[sighs] I was wondering
when you were gonna come back.

It's a good thing we don't have a show
for two more days.

- Wes isn't here yet.
- [water running]

Looks like we'll be going
to Alex's place after all.

The maid came in and wanted to clean up.
I told her not to bother.

I needed to sleep
after working like I did last night.

You know,
she saw what you did to the lock.

It looks like we're gonna be
buying a new door, Jesse.

- [drawer slides open]
- [objects clattering]

[grunts]

All that time and energy
I spent last night,

and that agent's secretary
turns out to be a real loser.

You know, she called
shortly after you left.

Said she couldn't talk her boss into
booking us, not even for one single show.

- God, that burns me up.
- [objects clattering]

Leading me to believe
she really had influence.

It's amazing how some people
abuse a little bit of power.

I understand, Frank.

I know how you hate
being abused by young girls.

You know what I mean, Jesse.

Yes, I do, Frank.
I know exactly what you mean.

You mean that you have
absolutely nothing booked after this week.

And the reason for that
is you have no discipline.

The only time you ever manage to get
anything booked at all is by pure luck.

The rest of the time, you use my show

to impress some gullible young girl
and get her into bed with you.

Well, I'm tired of it.

Jesse, I am shocked and offended.

You're also unemployed.

[pop music playing]

[woman] ♪ Baby, if you can dance with me ♪

♪ We could be lovers
Just wait and see ♪

♪ Baby, if you can move in time ♪

♪ There's a good chance
I'll make you mine ♪

♪ Sometimes you're on your own ♪

♪ You look around
You'll see you're not alone ♪

♪ Better now to find someone ♪

♪ Somebody else who needs your love ♪

♪ Time will not pass you by ♪

♪ You need a love that's true ♪

♪ Love's just a breath away ♪

♪ Tonight ♪

♪ Calling out to you ♪

♪ Baby, if you can dance with me ♪

♪ We could be lovers
Just wait and see ♪

♪ Baby, if you can move in time ♪

♪ There's a good chance
I'll make you mine ♪

♪ Time will not pass you by ♪

♪ You need a love that's true... ♪

Where's the map, Amanda? I don't see it.

I know I put it in there, Robert.
I'm not lying.

I can't find it.

- Well, I know I put it in there.
- Then where the hell is it?

Somebody must have taken it.

Nobody drives
the darn car but you, Amanda.

Somebody could have stolen it.

Why don't you just admit
you left the darn thing at home?

I didn't leave it at home. I put it
right there in the glove compartment.

- [Robert] I don't see it.
- Warren, can you help this lady?

Right, George.

Now I'm gonna have to buy a new map.

- Just fill it up please.
- Yes, ma'am.

No, Robert. I'll buy the map.
You just stay in the car.

No, no, no. I'm gonna buy the map.

[Amanda] No, just shut up. Okay?
I don't want to hear it.

- [Robert] I'm going to buy the map.
- Shut your mouth. I'll buy the darn map!

- You stay in the car. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- No, I'll pay for the map.

I'll buy the map.

What do you think you're doing?
You come back here right now!

You'd think people far enough along
to afford a car like this

wouldn't act like schoolchildren.

Maturity doesn't necessarily
come with age.

- Or with money.
- You said that right, ma'am.

[dog barking]

- [Jesse] A horse trough?
- [George chuckles] Yes, ma'am.

We refuel horses as well as cars.

[Jesse] Quite an enterprise.

I bet we've refueled ol' Alex Thompson's
horse more than anybody else's.

Alex Thompson?

Yes, ma'am. His horse is forever running
away and coming down here to eat.

That's funny.
I'm headed for Alex's house now.

- You are?
- [Jesse] Yes, I am.

Well, don't eat his cooking.

Even his horse can't stand it.

[laughing]

Kiss my butt.

Shut up, Amanda, and get in the car.
How much is this map?

- [George] I believe that's a dollar.
- A dollar down the drain, Amanda.

Kiss my butt, Robert.
I know I put it in the glove compartment.

Then why wasn't it there?

- You lose everything.
- Kiss my butt, Robert.

- How much?
- Ten dollars.

Thanks.

Here, try not to lose this one.
What are you complaining about now?

- I didn't lose it.
- It wasn't there.

Watch, Robert.
Watch me put it in the glove compartment.

Give me the map.
I'm putting it right here. Do you see?

- Go ahead.
- It's right there!

You watch the stupid thing
blow out of the window.

And then who are you gonna blame, huh?
Who you gonna blame then?

Just shut up.

Robert, I've had it with you.
Kiss my butt.

[Amanda] Oh, for God's sake.

- You're Jesse Jamison, aren't you?
- [Jesse] Yes, I am.

I thought I knew who you were.

[George] Alex's nephew works for you,
doesn't he?

Yes, he does.

Alex's nephew... Wes?

[laughing]

Warren, just put the lady's gas cap
back on, will you?

[Jesse] No, he's right.

Wes has been a little something
less than an asset working for me.

Yeah, I recall Alex saying

he hoped working for you might settle
his sister's boy down to business.

- Mm-mmm.
- Hmm.

All ready.

Thank you.

You know, I saw your show
about a year ago, Mrs. Jamison.

It sure was good.

I feel like every man
should have a gun to protect his family.

- You do?
- Yes, ma'am.

[engine starts]

That's funny. I think some people
shouldn't even own a water pistol.

[speaking alien language]

Damn.

[speaking alien language]

[Peter] Three of them.

- [rooster crowing]
- [cows mooing]

- Hello, Jesse.
- [Jesse] Hello, Alex.

It's nice to see you again, little lady.

It's been a long time, Alex. How are you?

Fine, thank you.
Pretty good for an old mountain man.

Oh, you're not old
and you're not a mountain man either.

Of course I'm a mountain man.
Look around you.

This is all right in the middle
of the mountains.

All I see is the owner of the most popular
sporting goods store in the county.

But a mountain man at heart.

You still living alone up here?

Yes. I'm looking forward
to your company today.

I fixed up the guest room,

and I've invited
a couple of young men to dinner.

- How young?
- Well, not too young.

- Just about right for you.
- Sounds great.

- Come on in.
- First, I'd like to find Wes.

Is his cabin very far?

Not very far.
I haven't seen that boy in years.

- I'll take you up right after dinner.
- I need to go now, Alex, and alone.

I have some business to finish with Wes.
Do you understand?

I understand.
But can't it wait until after dinner?

I'm afraid not.

Wes was supposed to meet me
at a motel yesterday.

You know how punctual he is.

Yes, I understand he has
a little trouble meeting appointments

that don't concern a girl.

You said it. And I think he's still
shacked up in his cabin.

I want to catch him before he leaves,

'cause if he starts now,
I came up here for nothing.

I understand. Come on in.
NI draw you some directions.

Great!

[aliens snarling]

[speaking alien language]

[grunting]

You know, that road up to Wes's cabin
is a real rough mountain road.

I'm gonna put you
in some real transportation.

Oh...

What a beautiful animal!

I thought you'd like him.

Are you gonna let me ride him
to Wes's cabin?

Well, that's the general idea.

What's his name?

- Um, well...
- Well?

We call him Mr. Stud.

- Mister...
- Stud.

Mr. Stud.

- He's quite a horse.
- I can imagine.

We'll be burning moonlight pretty soon.

I hope you get back
before the dinner gets cold.

- Well, let's saddle up Mr. Stud.
- You got it.

[chimes jingling]

Always someplace besides
where he's needed.

Damn it, Wes! That's not funny.

Wes, is that you?

All right, whoever's in there,
I'm giving you five seconds to come out,

and then I'm gonna blow you
straight to hell.

One-thousand one, one-thousand two,

one-thousand three...

[woman] Don't shoot.

Speak up, woman!
What the devil's going on in there?

Are-- Are you Jesse Jamison?

Come out here and get my autograph.
Get out now.

[woman] Yes. Yes, ma'am.

- But move slowly.
- Yes, ma'am.

I-- I thought you were them.

They keep coming by here. I wouldn't have
fired the gun had I known that--

If you'd known it was me?

Damn it, woman!
People kill their best friends that way.

- I didn't think.
- Obviously.

Are you sure you're alone in there?

Yes, ma'am.

- Who did you mistake me for?
- The monsters.

The what? Monsters?

They look like monsters.

Where's Wes?

Are you one of his friends?

Uh, yes.

He left last night. Haven't you seen him?

He left last night?

- Are you sure?
- Yes.

I was supposed to leave this evening.

But the monsters wrecked my car.

Well, the only thing I want is my show
and an explanation from Wes. Come on.

- Where are we going?
- To the sheriff's office.

You can tell him about your monsters.

You can put your hands down now.

[cows mooing]

- Morning, Alex.
- Good morning, Jesse.

Did you get that little outfit in Paris?

I guess the boots do look
kind of silly with a bathrobe.

Aw, I think it looks kind of cute
on you, Alex.

What time did you get in last night, lady?

I remember you woke me up
and said something

about the sheriff
taking a woman out of Wes's cabin.

It was close to midnight.

But I'm afraid you're not gonna be
very happy with me

- when I tell you what I did.
- What did you do?

Well, while I was missing
our dinner engagement last night,

I asked the sheriff to find Wes for me.

What's so wrong about that?
You needed to find your show.

Besides, Peter and Andrew never showed up.

They've eaten my cooking before.
It's pretty bad.

- But it's another thing.
- Besides my cooking?

- No, I mean about Wes.
- What about him?

Well, when they find Wes,
I'm gonna fire him.

- I figured that.
- You did?

Of course.
And I'm a little disappointed, Jesse.

I was sure that you would be.

- I know he's your nephew and--
- Now, wait a minute.

I was disappointed,
because as an intelligent young lady,

you should have fired him a long time ago,

along with
that lazy business manager of yours.

I sure hope your aim
is better than your business sense.

[ringing]

Oh, get this thing, will you?
I've got to get ready for work.

Tell whoever it is
I've dropped dead or I just left.

[ringing continues]

Hello? Hello?

[laughing] Oh! My!

You have just all sorts
of interesting apparel, don't you?

Jesse, please!

Okay, Alex.

That was the sheriff on the phone.

He said some men called
and reported finding my show.

- Good. Now, get out.
- But it's odd.

They found it not far from here.

That woman said Wes left
night before last.

Now, why would he stop and camp
so close to his cabin?

Wes is completely irresponsible.

- Couldn't the sheriff tell you anything?
- No.

The men called in from the car.
They're investigating now.

I think, if it's all right, I'll take
Mr. Stud and ride and meet them.

Good. Now, get out.

Unless, of course,
you want to wash my back!

Which is not a bad idea.
How old are you, girl?

Jesse Jamison. Hey, I've heard of him.

I wonder why whoever did this
didn't take that guy's money.

Bob, I'm gonna follow this trail
until the big boys get here.

Don't go too far.
They'll be turning up here any minute.

Yeah, I know.

Excuse me, miss.
We're conducting an investigation here.

I'm gonna have to ask you
to move on along.

- Where's the rest of my show?
- Pardon?

Half my show is missing.
Where's the rest of it?

- I don't know.
- The sheriff's not here yet?

No, ma'am. He should be here soon.
But he had to wait on the coroner.

- The coroner!
- Yes, ma'am. They won't be long.

The coroner?

Oh, ma'am, I'm-- I'm sorry.

Since you were here,
I figured he told you.

Wes. Where is he?

Where is Wes?

Over there in the front seat.
But I don't think you wanna look in there.

Oh...

- You're not his girl, are you?
- No.

I'm Jesse Jamison.

He worked for me. Sometimes.

[water sloshing]

Hey. What are you doing out there?

What the hell does it look like I'm doing?

I ain't mowing the yard.

I ain't cooking out on the grill.

And I sure as hell
ain't driving in my Chevrolet.

- Do you have a permit?
- [man] What kind of permit?

- A fishing license.
- Why don't you come out here and check?

Now, look, old man.
We're conducting a murder investigation.

Now bring that boat over here.

Suck worms. I'm a-travelin' on.

Now, wait a minute. Hey, listen.

There are footprints coming in and out
from the water's edge, right here.

I need to get to the other side to see
if the killer came in from over there.

There might be a trail
to tell us where he came from.

Now, if you cooperate
and paddle me over to the other side,

I won't hassle you, okay?

- Footprints?
- Right. They lead to the victim's car.

I need to get to the other side and see
if I can find out where they came from.

Well, what if your killer
went on downstream?

That's what I need to find out.

Hmm.

- Wait a minute.
- Hey, I don't see no footprints.

Now, look--

Oh, my God!

- [alien snarls]
- [screams]

Come in, 01.

Matt?

Dumbass. Never could use a walkie-talkie.

Come on, boy. Let's go.

It doesn't feel very safe around here.

[alien growling]

[whinnying]

[alien shrieking, groaning]

- Are you all right?
- No! Let's get out of here!

Wait! Help me walk!

It's the least I can do.

- Where's your horse?
- He ran away.

- Yeah, well, call him!
- Who do you think I am, the Lone Ranger?

[reporter] Police are asking
local residents to be on the lookout

for three men believed to be dressed
in skin diving suits,

suspected of committing a rash
of county murders over the past two days.

In addition, authorities believe
one of the divers is responsible

for yesterday's attack
and sexual assault of a college student.

Based on descriptions provided
by surviving attack victims,

rumors of Bigfoot creatures
have begun to circulate.

However, authorities believe
the huge footprints

to have been caused
by some type of flippers

the skin divers were wearing
when the attacks were made.

That's news to this hour.
Now back to more music.

Jesse, what's going on?

The place is like a booby trap,
with string and pots and pans.

You'll have to forgive my paranoia, Alex.

I was afraid I wouldn't be able to sleep
without some kind of an alarm.

Well, where did you get the idea for this?

From an old Western movie?

I've never done anything like this before,
but I have to get some sleep.

I've got a show tomorrow.

Jesse, do you think you can do a show
with most of your guns stolen?

I'd better be able to.

The Diamond Agency people
will be watching me very carefully.

Tomorrow is
my final backwoods performance.

And if I don't come through
and look really good,

I'm afraid they'll go back
to Mrs. Diamond,

and there goes my star-studded contract.

Well, Jesse, if there's anything
you can use in my store,

- you're more than welcome to it.
- Thank you, Alex.

- [music playing on radio]
- This is really something.

Alex, that thing couldn't breathe
when Peter broke the tank tube.

Peter thinks they're from another world.

"From another world"?

Do you realize how far advanced
a person would have to be

in order to come in from outer space?

It's not rational to think
that it would be so barbaric and terrible

as the thing that attacked you.

If the human race is any example, Alex,
then I think it's quite rational.

Well, get some sleep, doll.

- Good night.
- Good night.

[engine off]

Oh, hell, I forgot my damn ladder.
[high-pitched shriek]

Damn truck.
Cause you to talk in a high voice.

[grunts]

- [cows mooing]
- [rooster crowing]

- Oh, excuse me!
- Oh!

- Sorry.
- That's perfectly all right.

- Are you looking for Alex?
- Yeah. Is he home?

- Yeah, go on in.
- Well, thank you. Oh.

[both muttering]

Sheesh.

[pots clanging]

What in the hell is going on around here?

[laughing]
I'm sorr-- sorry about that, Luger.

But if any of those outlaws
had come around,

we'd have sure heard them.

Well, I'm real, real impressed.

How did you get so tangled up in this?

- Damned if I know.
- Your name is Luger?

Well, it sure as hell ain't B--

Come on, help me
get the hell out of this mess.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
You're going the wrong way.

- You gotta go this way.
- [groaning] Wait! Wait!

I wonder if Mr. Stud came back last night.

- He wouldn't come here.
- Why not?

Whenever he gets loose,
he goes to George's filling station.

They feed him like
he was an elephant down there.

[groaning, muttering]

Well, I think I'll check on him
before I leave.

[Alex] He won't be there.

He likes George's food
a lot better than he likes mine.

By the way, did you finish breakfast?

Sure did. It was awful.

- I gotta get a cook.
- You sure as hell have.

I'll help you if you'll just hold still!

[both grunting]

Wait, wait, wait!

You're pulling my arm! Just wait a minute!

Mr. Stud?

Mr. Stud?

[Alex] He's not there, right?

- [Jesse] No, he isn't.
- [Alex] See, I told you.

He knows where the food is.

[snoring]

[yawns]

- Well, Jesse.
- Well, Alex.

I can't say the last couple of days
have been fun.

Neither can I.

But when things get back to normal,

I hope you'll figure this is a good place
to spend a few days once in a while.

I'm sure that I will, Alex.

Of course, I have to come back
for Wes's funeral.

You're not having guilt feelings about
what those monsters are doing, are you?

Oh, only a little.

You know, running off
to protect my career, that kind of thing.

Listen, young lady,
your career is important.

You're not the police
and it's not your responsibility

to go around looking for hobgoblins.

Maybe not. I don't know.

You know, I just came
to work out my credit problem,

not to learn
some new self-defense technique.

Well, we were just stringing you
up a little bit, Luger.

- You sure did look funny.
- [both laughing]

Now, Jesse, drive slow.
You've got plenty of time.

And when you get to the filling station,
be sure and give me a call.

I'd like to know if Mr. Stud
got in all right.

- Sure thing, Alex.
- [car engine starts]

[vehicle approaching]

[engine off]

- Hey, cowgirl.
- Hi.

Have you been eating candy?

Uh, candy. Ah, yes, ma'am.

Looks like a thoroughbred bar.

Do you know what this is?

That's a motor, ma'am.

Do you know what's wrong with this?

Oh, you lost a belt.

Yeah, your battery will discharge
unless you get another one.

Do you have another one like it?

Uh, let me ask George. George!

Well, hello again, Mr. Chicken.

You ran out on us yesterday.

It's okay. I can't blame you.

You look good.

- How are you, Miss Jamison?
- I'm fine, thank you.

Listen, we can't afford
to carry all size belts up here.

We're gonna have to do a little doctoring
to get this belt to fit your car.

Well, can you just fix something for me
so I can drive a few miles?

- Yes, ma'am.
- I'll fix you right up.

I'll take care of this personally,
Miss Jamison.

Thank you. Oh, and could I use your phone?

I'd like to call Alex about Mr. Stud.

Certainly. Go right inside.

- Thank you.
- Mm-hmm.

- Oh, I'm sorry.
- That's all right.

[ringing]

[line ringing]

[toilet flushes]

Damn timing.

Get all settled down with a good book,

first thing that happens,
damn phone rings.

Uh...

- Hello?
- Luger.

[alien roars]

- I was afraid that--
- Afraid? Wh--

Well, no, no, I just--

Well, it's just a little bother.
[chuckles]

Well, it took you so long
to answer the phone.

Uh, um, well, you can rest assured
everything's just fine here.

It's just the timing is a little off.

You see, I was--
Well, I was kind of indisposed.

[alien grunting]

[Jesse] Luger?

Luger?

Luger?

- [clattering, thumping]
- Luger?

Luger?

[speaking alien language]

Shit, Shit, shit.

- [snarls]
- Shit.

What's wrong? What's happening?

[whinnies]

[George] Be careful!

Whoo! Go get 'em, girl!

[whimpering]

[growling]

What the hell is that thing?

[muttering] I gotta get out of here.

Uh, just hold on a minute out there, guy.

If you wanna use the toilet,
I'll be out in ten minutes.

[muttering]

Oh, hell, I'm just gonna go.

- [roaring]
- [Luger shouts]

Oh, he's a persistent sucker.

[roars]

Run, Luger!

[speaking alien language]

- [Alex] Run, Luger!
- Hell!

[whimpering]

For God's sake, run!

Come on, Alex. You get out of here, boy.

No! Whoa!

[gunshots]

[whimpering]

[Luger mutters]

[speaking alien language]

What?

[laughing]

[shouting in alien language]

Give 'em hell, Jesse!

[gasping, muttering]

Aim for the tank.

Ride on, you devils.

That a way, girl! Way to go!
I mean, really give it to them!

I'll get some ammunition.

[laughing, exclaiming]

Jesse, the horse rides double just fine.
Why don't I come with you?

Sorry, Alex. I need the practice.

Be careful, girl!

Way to kill him, girl!
I appreciate it! I owe you one!

[sirens wailing]

What happened, Alex?
Did your grill catch on fire?

- Oh, that's cute.
- Just shooting off a few firecrackers.

You know that's against the law here.

Oh, well, I feel so much safer now.
I mean, now that the cavalry's here.

[grumbling]

What the fuck is this?

[deputy]
Yes, sir. We'll stay positioned here.

But you better get most of your men
in this area.

That woman is supposedly chasing
two of the guys now.

[sheriff on radio] One's tank exploded?

I don't know.
I don't think they really killed one.

You know what fear and panic do to people.

I'm sure Alex thought the woman
shot one of them, though.

- No body near the tank?
- Uh, no, sir. No body, just a fire.

And I was a fireman for seven years.
I know what burning flesh smells like.

There's nothing here. The killer got away.

[Alex] It was monstrous.

Bigger than you and me both.

Well, maybe you and him,
but not me and you.

I mean, it wasn't that big.

- Luger, you're not normal.
- [Luger] I resent that!

It was a terrible-looking thing!

- Ugly as hell.
- Yes, sir.

Double ugly. Seven feet tall, at least.

Yes, sir.

Oh, the hell with him, Alex.

It's obvious that he doesn't believe us.

Well, now, wait a minute, fellers.

I mean, maybe the policeman
will believe us

when that thing walks up
and bites him on the ass.

- [all laugh]
- Hey.

Shouldn't you be in bed
with that foot of yours?

You think we're crazy
with our monster stories, don't you?

Well, uh...

Well, it is crazy. I know.
I don't understand it.

I mean, who are they?

Where did they come from?
What's their game, huh?

We're their game.

And if we don't do something besides stand
around talking about it, we're in trouble.

Spacemen? Coming up out of the water, huh?

Well, now, actually,
he'd come at me through a toilet window.

[Bob] Yes, sir.

Coming out of the water?

We didn't say anything
about coming up out of the water?

- Look, I was just kidding.
- Kidding!

Why are you kidding? This is serious, boy.

- They're supposed to be dressed alike--
- Wait a minute.

You know, they may have
come out of the water.

What?

Well, then it would be obvious
where their spaceship is.

Oh, yeah. Sure.

I can't believe you wouldn't have
at least checked that out.

What is he talking about?

Three little bullets.

Jesse, you've gotta stop giving
these backwoods performances.

Hey, Peter!

Do you really think
there's a spaceship out there?

I know there is, Luger.

[Luger] I'm gonna get the shotgun.

I'd think you were crazy
if I didn't know what happened to Jane.

Grab a shotgun, Alex.
Come on. We're losing time.

Feels just like a--
It'll be just like blowing up a still.

You stay here, Luger.

What? Stay here?

W-Wait a minute. I wanna go with you.

But I wanted to go with you!

Ah, shit.

[speaking alien language]

[engine off]

If your crazy theory is true,

I have serious doubt as to our ability
to blow up anything

that came God knows how far to get here.

We can sure give it a try.

[groaning]

[splashing]

You know, I think we should be
out looking for Jesse.

I'm not too sure
we're doing the right thing at all.

Alex, I wish you'd stop doubting me.
You're beginning to sound like the police.

Listen, can you handle that stuff?

- Look, have a little faith.
- I have very little faith.

I'm not too sure
you know how to handle that stuff.

Well, I do.

It takes somebody
that has been studying it, you know?

What did you bring the fishing rod for?

Well, you're good with it.

I brought what was there.
What are you gonna do?

- Is this the spot?
- It looks like it.

I'm gonna take the line and run it back
over there along with the box.

Hang on a minute.

Hold the wire.

Peter, you better know
what you're doing, boy!

Peter, when you're working with powder,
you have to do it in the right sequence.

Now, are you sure
you've got it in the right order?

Hey, Alex. Look!

Hey, Jesse! Jesse!

Over here! Hey!

Quiet, Peter. You'll wake up your monster.

[Peter] Don't worry about a thing, Jesse.

We've got everything
under control right here.

Peter, you make too much noise
to be a good hunter.

Oh, hell.

Oh, my God.

He's a dead one now, Jesse! I got him!

You better be fast.

Well, come on!

It's not working, Alex!

I knew you didn't know
what you were doing.

[laughing]

Alex!

[groaning]

[choking] Alex!

Thank God you're here.
Let me have that gun.

- Alex, no.
- I think I can get him.

There are only three bullets.

- Please, Alex.
- Get him in a hurry.

He's killing Peter.

Alex!

Hang on, Peter.

- You'll take him, all right.
- [Peter] Shoot him!

You can hit him!

Shoot him! Shoot him, Jesse!

I'm sorry, Peter. I just can't do it.

Kill him!

Kill him before he kills me!

Keep your courage up. You'll take him.

I just have three bullets left, Alex.

Even if I'm faster,
it'll never take him down.

- I wish he'd just back up and walk away.
- He's not gonna do it.

[speaking alien language]

[Alex] I think he wants you
to holster your gun, Jesse.

Maybe he just wants to get away.

If he puts his gun away,
you holster yours.

It's suicide. Don't do it, Jesse.

No!

It's not worth it, Jesse! No!

[shouts]

How about that? Bilateral disarmament.

Aim for the tank, Jesse.

Look at him, Alex.
He remembers what happened at your house.

He'll never turn his back to me.

He don't have to.

[Alex] Come on. You can take him, Jesse.

But I've never been fast, Alex.

You don't have to be fast to be good,
and you're good.

I've never been fast.

[Alex] Aim careful, Jesse.

I wanna watch him die.

[speaking alien language]

[Peter] Alex!

Alex!

Jesse! Dynamite!

Blow him to hell, Jesse!

Aim careful.

[muttering in alien language]

I knew I'd watch that bastard burn.

Way to distract him.

Now I'll never know who's the fastest.

That's all right, boy.
Now you know who's the best.

[country music playing]

[man] ♪ They don't walk like we do ♪

♪ They don't talk ♪

♪ The same ♪

♪ They don't seem ♪

♪ Like you and me ♪

♪ Let's run them ♪

♪ Away ♪

♪ They're alien outlaws ♪

♪ Invade ♪

♪ Without cause ♪

♪ Strange alien outlaws ♪

♪ Let's send them home ♪

♪ To stay ♪

♪ Came into ♪

♪ Our stronghold ♪

♪ From someplace far away ♪

♪ It ain't near ♪

♪ Nowhere around here ♪

♪ Let's run them ♪

♪ Away ♪

♪ They're alien outlaws ♪

♪ Invade ♪

♪ Without cause ♪

♪ Strange alien outlaws ♪

♪ Let's send them home ♪

♪ To stay ♪

♪ Said let's send them home ♪

♪ To stay ♪

[song ends]