Original subtitles

A single gal

spends most of her life searching for the perfect male.

And out of the blue, it arrives.

Aleksandr Petrovsky was a rather famous artist,

with whom I had had one rather infamous date.

It's been three whole weeks. I thought you died or something.

I did die from rejection.

How could you have left me on the street all alone?

It still hurts.

Oh, you'll get over it. You're a big boy.

And where did you get this information?

I was in Holland for work.

Oh, Holland? There's something new.

-Been there? -Uh...

To the land of the wooden shoes? No.

No. No, no, no.

I brought you a little present.

Let's sit down.

Milk chocolate?

Or perhaps you like dark? I've got right here.

You don't have a mouse trap in there, do you?

No, why would I?

I was being silly.

You know, in the cartoons, when they put their hands and the thing...

Okay.

Et voilà.

Light or dark?

Second only to the search of the perfect male,

is the search for the perfect fragrance.

Am I peppermint musk?

Oh, no.

Ladies, I'm taking a lover.

Yes, a lover. Aleksandr Petrovsky.

Wait, the old guy?

I beg your pardon.

My lover is not old.

He is worldly and wise and very sexy.

He is sexy.

Very.

Yesterday I almost did it with him on a park bench in front of children.

What stopped you?

-Common decency. -Oh, that.

Well, that and the fact that I'm not lover ready.

I need a little bikini waxage.

Well, then snap to it.

Don't play hard to get with a man who's hard to get.

Maybe cucumber basil.

Why would you want to smell like a salad?

-I can't decide what I am. -What do mean "not old"?

Charlotte e-mailed me his photo. Hello 60.

He is in his lover perfect, early fifties.

That's a good age.

They've been around the block, they know how to use their cock.

Oh, you rhyme now. And where did you get his picture?

I Googled him. I wanted Miranda to see your potential new boyfriend.

Not boyfriend, lover.

How long are you going to keep saying it like that?

Uncomfortable with my taking a lover?

-Maybe he could be more than a lover. -Oh, Jesus.

Ah, no, the only place this is going is Loverville.

Well, I could see it going somewhere.

Oh, please, listen, half the time,

I can't even understand him. We have nothing in common.

-He's in and out of Europe. -That could be good.

Honey, you're not listening. She only wants him to be in and out of her.

Yes, but in a much less obvious sounding way.

How about pomegranate patchouli?

No, you need something classic, clean.

With just a hint of neurosis.

How about you? Are you finding anything?

I don't know. I'm trying to figure out what Steve might like.

Just get some Old Spice and call it a day.

Steve does not wear Old Spice.

He wears nothing and he smells great.

Oh, Miranda and Steve sitting in a tree K-I-S-S-I-N-G,

first comes... Well, actually first comes baby.

- Oh great.

Now I have to spend the rest of the day smelling like...

-Apples and hay. -You bastard.

Okay, let's go.

Aren't you going to get something for your new lover?

I suspect he already likes the way I smell.

Hey. How lucky are we?

Very.

If Miranda and Steve had a fragrance,

it would be called Perfection.

If Miranda, Steve, and Robert, her ex and neighbor had a fragrance,

it would be called Less Than Perfection.

In fact, Awful, Uncomfortable and Terrible.

Hi.

Well, if it isn't the happy couple.

How are you today?

You all have a nice day.

So the doctor said that

Harry and I have to wait at least two months

before we even get try to get pregnant again. And I'd like to back to work,

but then if I do get pregnant,

that's not really fair to the new employer, so I...

I'm sleeping and walking, sleeping and walking, how am I doing that?

That's rude. This is important to me.

I know it's important to you, you know it's important to you,

the homeless guy on the corner of 57th and 7th knows it's important to you.

Can we please talk about something else?

I'll give you $100 if you say something bitchy about someone we know.

No.

I'm trying to figure out my next direction and I need to talk about it.

Fine, talk till my ears bleed.

But do yourself a favor and stop for a minute and look at the light.

You mean the fact that no matter what happens

with the baby, Harry and I will always have each other?

No, Char, the freaking light over there in the park.

When did it become fall?

Somewhere between your ovaries and my boredom.

Imagine.

Being blind, not being able to see a beautiful day like today.

Can you think of anything worse?

Stone-washed jeans with a matching jacket.

Maybe I should stop thinking so much about myself

and volunteer for the blind or something.

That would be a nice thing to do.

-Very Jackie O. -Whoo!

Okay, let me begin.

-Can I ask you a question? -Yes, it will hurt a little.

Oh, no, that's not the question.

Are you Russian?

-Yes.

-Oh. -See? Hurt a little.

Yes, I was wondering how do you say hello in Russian?

-Zdrastvuyte. -Zdrastvuyte.

Um... And... How do you say thank you?

-Spasibo.

Ah.

Spasibo.

-You're welcome. -Ah. Oh.

The only thing more uncomfortable than a bikini wax,

is an elevator ride with an ex.

Luckily, Miranda had figured out a way to avoid that.

Unfortunately, Robert had also.

Robert, hi.

Okay, I guess I deserve that.

Robert.

I'm, I'm sorry.

I've never meant to hurt you.

Steve and I just fell back in love.

Oh.

And so what was I, your little half time show?

What?

Not at all.

I never thought that Steve and I would get back together,

or I never would have started up with you.

I hope you understand that.

Well, I'll try.

And I hope you understand when you get my bill.

-Your bill? -Yeah, my bill.

For services rendered.

You know, my stud fee.

Robert, come on.

No, no, no, no. Hey, It's cool.

I got your scene. You're a busy working mother.

Too tired to go out and eat, call Hunan Kitchen.

Too tired to go out and fuck, call Robert.

-That's not true. -Sure it is.

-Fast food, fast fuck. -You were not a fast fuck.

No, you're right, I wasn't. I was slow. Nice and slow.

Just the way you liked it.

"Oh, Robert, oh, yes. Oh, Robert.

Oh, God. Robert, ooh.

No man has ever been in this deep."

-Hey, what are doing back?

-I gave Robert custody of the elevator. -What?

We're moving my stuff in here next week and you gave him the elevator?

You're lucky I didn't give him Brady. I bumped into him on the stairs.

How bad was it?

Hug me.

Oh, it's that bad, huh?

So we can't ever use the elevator?

Not between 8:00 a.m. and 10:00 p.m.

-We have a baby in a stroller. - I know.

Why, why, why did I have to shit where I eat?

All right, look, he's just upset, it'll blow over.

I don't think so, Steve.

The man is crazy in love with me and now he's acting out,

talking about how I said, "No man's ever been in me that deep."

What?

Nothing.

-Steve. -Nothing. I'm fine.

Wednesday night, after dinner,

I took the express elevator to Loverville.

Spasibo.

Oh, you speak Russian very well.

Spasibo.

Is that the only word you know?

Zdrastvuyte.

-Yes, that is the only word you know.

There's my studio, and here's my house.

You have the entire floor?

Not at first, but over the years.

-Spasibo. -Zdrastvuyte.

This used to be some kind of sewing factory, a sweat shop in the 1920s.

That's a lovely story.

Very nice, if you like that whole window sky thing.

Yes, it's lovely light in the morning.

Study and kitchen.

Would you like some fruit or martini or something?

Why don't you show me upstairs?

My Russian may have been shaky,

but I discovered I spoke lover very well.

Turns out, I'd found a sweet bed and breakfast in Loverville.

Good morning.

Um, where?

Morning. Come, come, sit.

In the light of day, everything looked completely different.

Would you like some coffee?

What kind?

Um, regular.

Regular coffee is for regular people.

You are not regular.

I hope I'm not in the way.

What way?

No, no. It's Violette, Padma, Lee.

Hey, everybody, this is Carrie.

It's my staff. Without them, I'll be sitting in the street with the sign,

I'll do art for food.

Speaking of food...

Pancakes for the lady.

Hope you're hungry.

Aren't you, aren't you going to eat?

No, I'm done.

I'm off to Amsterdam remember?

Oh, yeah. Right.

Maybe before I leave, I'll have one more little bite.

There I was having pancakes at IHOP.

The International House of Petrovsky's.

And they just went on about their business totally unfazed.

Oh, honey, they've seen it all.

And you gotta give it to him. Making pancakes for pussy,

that's a classy touch.

What?

You don't think you're the first babe he battered up for.

No, no, no, you're right. You're right.

The whole thing was so choreographed.

No. No, he knew exactly what he was doing.

Well, sounds good to me. I miss a man with the moves.

So Smith, no moves?

No, he has them. Most of them I've given him, but he has them.

Truth time?

I'm a little jealous.

Of what? My grand slam breakfast?

You've got yourself a man, a real power player.

Someone who takes charge, drags you to the bed,

has his way with you, doesn't have to ask what you want,

and fucks you and fucks you.

We're not talking about me anymore, are we?

No. I mean, Smith, he's hot but he's a baby.

He's almost 30.

Still, I swear, sometimes I don't know whether to blow him or burp him.

I need a grown-up.

So, uh, how were they?

The pancakes?

Delicious, exactly what I wanted, I couldn't get enough.

No, I was referring to the moves.

Oh, delicious, exactly what I wanted, I couldn't get enough.

Good for you.

So, how many pancakes do you think that kitchen has seen?

Does it matter?

In the cold, harsh reality of daylight,

I knew it didn't matter.

But in the colder, harsher reality

of a woman who just slept with someone she likes, it did.

Google.com showed many, many listings on the art of Aleksandr Petrovsky.

And one on his many, many women.

According to certain scientists,

whenever a woman has sex, her body produces a chemical

which causes her to emotionally attach.

This chemical may also account for the series of terrifying questions

that involuntarily pop into our minds after just one casual tryst.

Questions like, does he like me? Will he call again?

And the classic, where is this all going?

When it comes to men,

even when we try to keep it light, how do we wind up in the dark?

Hey, I've got this invite to a party.

Teen Posse's throwing.

-Top 30 under 30. I'm one of them. -Hah.

You want to go?

Teen Posse and me, no. And no.

Well, my agent and my manager really want me to go.

At least look at the invite and tell me how lame it is?

The party may have been all wrong,

but it was being hosted by Richard Wright.

What? Lame ass?

No, not so lame ass.

Richard Wright is a big name in the hotel business.

He brings a certain... Something.

And it was exactly the certain something that Samantha was missing.

You should go.

In fact, I'll go with you.

-What the hell. -Cool.

[phone ringing]

And I'm not really allowed to try and get pregnant again

-for another two months. -So you said.

And I thought I have all this time on my hands to volunteer.

Okay, working as a guide

for a visually-impaired person is a serious undertaking.

We suggest all our potential volunteers

go to a public place like a park or a department store

with a friend and let him or her lead your around blindfolded.

Blindfolded?

Yeah, try not to take the blindfold off no matter how uncomfortable you feel,

and you'll begin to get a sense of what it's like

not to be able to rely on your sight.

Okay, bye.

I mean, where can this possibly go?

I thought you didn't want it to go anywhere.

Well, that was before I slept with him, now, not so sure.

- Interesting. -No, ridiculous,

and according to my new best friend, Google.com...

You Googled him!

The man has dated every woman in New York

from 1977 until, well, until last Wednesday.

And who knows how many pancakes he's making

for other ridiculous women around the world.

Oh, God, listen to me, and I've only slept with him once.

Okay, let's get blind.

So once I put this over my eyes, I can't take it off.

I need you to guide me.

I'm there.

This is embarrassing.

No, no, thinking you can take a lover is embarrassing. This is helping people.

How's my hair?

-Oh.

-Oh, that's a European code, it's him.

Should I answer it? Okay.

-Hello? - Carrie, it's Aleks.

Hi. How's Amsterdam?

It's very Dutch.

What? Oh... I can't, I can't hear you.

Oh, you know what, I need better reception.

I'm going to go right over there. Don't go away.

Okay.

Hi.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Oh.

Tomorrow night?

- At 9:00. Yes? -Yes.

This is an impossible connection.

What?

- The reception is very bad. -Bad reception, yes.

- Tomorrow, are you free? -Yes, I'm free.

- Sorry I can't hear you. -I'm free.

All right then,

-tomorrow at 9:00. -Yes, I will be there.

- Carrie, Carrie? -Hello?

Sweetie?

Would you like to sample Lumiere?

-Do you need some assistance? -No, thank you.

I'm trying to help the blind.

I just got separated from my friend, but I'm sure she'll find me.

-Lumiere? -Oh, no, bad, bad.

-Oh. -Excuse me.

Sorry.

Ooh.

And there in the dark, Charlotte realized

she had no idea where she was going in Barneys or in life.

But sometimes, even if you're not sure of your direction,

you can find your way to something wonderful.

Don't they have these over there in the...

I swear I looked and looked and then I thought, "Best if she finds me."

I'm meeting him tomorrow. Cute, huh?

Oh, yeah.

Okay, okay.

You coming down?

Let's just go in front of the line, like I suggested.

I don't like pushing in front of people.

Oh, grow up.

Smith Jerrod, we're on the list.

Oh, my God, awesome.

Love your hair.

Let me just check you off.

And you are?

Samantha Jones.

Aren't you a sight for sore eyes.

Um, dude.

He's with me.

-Oh, I'm sorry, Richard Wright. -Smith Jerrod.

Let's get some drinks, shall we?

Can you take a picture?

So, how long have you been babysitting?

Said the man hosting the Teen Posse party.

Don't rub it in. Hotels have to stay hip.

So I have to bend over backwards.

Tongue the taints of these trendy little pissants.

Well, you look good.

That's 'cause I'm looking at you, gorgeous.

Two more Scotch rocks.

What's up?

Can I get you a Scotch?

No thanks, man, I'm in AA.

You kids today.

So how do you two know each other?

We used to go out.

And then I fucked it up royally and lost the best thing I ever had.

Oh, my God, Smith, you have to come.

Paulie is snorting pretzels out of his nose.

-You have to come. -It's fucking hilarious.

-Come on. -Paulie, do it again. Paulie.

Paulie is snorting pretzels out his nose.

Fuck you.

Okay, this is the last load.

For a guy with no stuff, you've got stuff.

Let's get the TV first.

What the fuck?

That wasn't like that when we moved it in here.

Oh, my God.

-Robert. -What?

Nah, you think?

Um, hello, he's mad, your name is on the boxes,

he lives in the building.

Nah, it doesn't seem like him, I must have bumped it or something.

Steve.

He's crazy in love with me. You didn't see how angry he was on the stairs.

Okay, this is bullshit. I'm not going to live like this.

What are you going to do?

I'm going to take care of things.

Be kind.

He's still in love with me.

Steve?

Look, I need to talk to you about this whole Miranda thing.

What about it?

I'll be right back, baby.

Turns out Petrovsky wasn't the only one with an international house.

Uh...

We're sorry.

She's sorry. I'm sorry.

We're sorry.

I appreciate that.

What happened?

Let's just put it this way.

He won't be bothering us again.

Was he very upset?

When it came to Robert,

Steve thought it was kinder to leave Miranda in the dark.

Samantha.

Hey, where are you going, babe?

Richard wanted to show me one of his remodeled suites.

Cool, can I come?

No.

No, Smith, you can't come.

Look, this was fun, but where is it going?

Gorgeous?

You go play with your friends and I'll go play with mine.

Samantha.

Two years ago, I was on top of the fucking world.

Now I'm hosting a bullshit beer-basher

for a bunch of pin heads with six-pack abs.

This is a world-class hotel.

Fuck it. I've been down this low before.

Richard may have, but Samantha hadn't.

I just wanted to make sure you got home safe.

I don't know what's wrong with me.

I hate myself for doing this to you.

Oh, God.

It's okay, it's okay.

Come on.

Let's get you out of here.

Even in the dark, Smith could still see Samantha.

And for the very first time, she saw him.

- Hey. -Hmm?

I have some work to do in my studio,

but you're welcome to stay, okay?

It was at that moment I realized,

I wasn't really comfortable in Loverville.

I'm not that kind of Google.

What?

I just wanted to say thank you. I'm going to go.

Okay, then I'll call you tomorrow, all right?

Um...

This has been really lovely, but I don't think I'm cut out for it.

I don't understand.

The pancakes and...

The other ladies...

it's just not for me.

There are pancakes, but no other ladies.

Well,

I have a book with a few emergency telephone numbers, yes.

But now I just see you.

This is not about a great bang.

This...

I just like you.

Why me?

Why me?

You make a good breakfast.

So what's all this?

It's too soon to tell.