All language subtitles for must read after my death

I love my children.
I want to be a good mother to them.

But I'm not a person to sit around
and sew and decorate and paint.

I am not a housewife.
I have never been a housewife.

I told him that...

I wanted to move to a little house
with a picket fence

and bear his children
even if he wouldn't marry me.

It's perfectly true that I said that,
and I meant it.

I wanted Charley's children
because I just knew

they would turn out to be
wonderful children.

MUST READ
AFTER MY DEATH

Well, let's start out.

I was born Allis,
A L L I S,

in Cleveland, Ohio,
on December 8th, 1911.

Charley, my husband,

was born on October 8th, 1912.

And I have four children.

Correspondence between
Charley and the family.

Charley is in Australia.

Tuesday, February 14th.

I can't recognize my own voice
on this machine of yours.

It sounds entirely strange
and very heart burnish,

or something like that.

Anyhow I wanted to talk just a moment.
I'll learn before 7 weeks are up.

Cheerio, I'm off now.

It's incredible someone
who travels 16 weeks out of the year,

during those 16 weeks,
I am left at home with the children.

Hi, Mommy and the kids.

It's nice to be in Australia
where there is no snow.

But it's not a glamorous spot.

It's not as interesting as
Hartford, Connecticut.

I'd like to say hello to the children
if they are there.

First of all, Annie,
you sound wonderful on the record.

I'm glad you got the shoes,

and that you handled yourself
very well in the store.

and I'm very proud of you.

And Chucky, I appreciate your jokes.
They're very funny.

And I've got a few for you.

Brucie, you can always depend on.

Brucie is always
right in there, pitching.

And then...

Douglas, you little monkey!

I can get you loud and clear
on the record.

Last night, I was listening
to your record,

and I got your pipsqueak kisses,
and here's a kangaroo kiss to you.

I'll give you lots of kangaroo kisses
when I get home.

I miss you so,
and to spend all day long without you.

I simply can't stay up until 2:30 a.m
and then get up at 7:30 a.m.

and stay up all day.

But I just don't go to sleep at night.

You're not there to fuss at.

I danced with all the wives.

They all thought I was wonderful.
I thought they were wonderful too.

But nobody would leave one
behind for me.

They were all being very selfish.

Anyway, I love you.
I love the four bastards.

Goodnight, darling.
Goodnight, rascals.

Hi, Dad, this is Doug.

I wanted you, to give to you,
a pipsqueak kiss.

I mean Daddy, I'm going to give you
a pipsqueak kiss.

Hi Dad, this is Bruce.

We're about to call
all the papers

and I can throw a snowball.

Hi Pop, this is Chuck.

We miss you at the water-bomb fights

because you usually will
keep me dry and those things.

Hi Dad, this is Anne.

You're just allowed to find out
our completely in order house,

which means you'll be planning
to be sent to the hospital.

I don't know what Anne said
on the other side of this record.

We have an agreement.
We will not read each other's records.

These are just conversations
as if we were talking on the phone.

They are only valuable
for the impact...

and effect they have
when you listen to them.

I don't think there's any reason
these should be kept for posterity.

I am not giving these records back
to be shaved.

We will buy them from the office,
but I am not giving these up.

These are something the children
will love to have in later years.

It will give them a chance
to hear you talking to them.

I think maybe in recent years,

you and I have not talked
to each other enough.

I think communications
have sort of broken down.

We always seem to be reading
or rushing around or something.

Maybe we should get away
a little more together...

just so we can talk.

I dance, you see.
I love to dance.

Some people say...

"You like women",
which I do.

There have been 3 that are
very interesting and very delightful.

And each case, it was simply a matter
of saying, almost...

"How about it?"

I'll tell you about it when I get home,
but they're quite interesting people.

I miss you very much indeed,

but I also hope you're having
some fun yourself,

and not just working all the time
on the house.

However, by God, the bedroom
had better be cleaned up or else!

So far, we've kept the house
pretty neat.

and I haven't done our room yet
because I've been too tired.

This one is for the kids.

I realize...

in many ways,
I haven't been a very good father.

I've yelled at you kids too much,
and I shouldn't do that.

I've yelled at Mommy too much,
and I shouldn't do that.

But of course,
as I've told Mommy,

the only principal source...

of any unhappiness
in our family, I think,

is keeping the house picked up

and looking like the place
it should look like.

Particularly, our bedrooms.
Keep them in decent order.

Then you don't have to worry
about the room

because it stays picked up.

If you'll do that,
then I'll do my part

to try to be nicer
and more pleasant

and to spend more time with you.

Is that a fair bargain?

I love you all very much
and I miss you.

One reason I want to call you
is that you have said in the past...

that I was to be as frank
as I wanted to be.

And if that is true,

we may learn some home truths
back and forth, I don't know.

You do have so very much to offer.

I wish you had been more explicit...

in your letters
and over the telephone.

In a nice way of course

because the overseas
operators listen in.

So that I really knew for certain...

that you did get
what you went to New York for.

I feel certain you did,
but you've simply ignored it

except for the one little reference
saying that...

It was very spectacular.

It was very relaxing
and very nice.

And it certainly gives a gal
a great big boost

to see lots of care
as pimps...

...flow away,
and that was what happened.

And I think...

that his confidence was restored
in himself.

And his parting remark was...

Someday I'll tell you
what you've done for me.

Well, I sure hope
you're listening to these alone.

You probably don't really
quite agree...

with my philosophy
on love and sex.

I think you try to tell me that...

you must feel like a mad dog,

and you like to be possessive.

I know there's a hazard.

There's a hazard that...

Harry or somebody else...

might get to you to the point
where you would feel that...

you weren't married to me anymore.

And maybe a lurking of...

I figure that...

if our problem ever came out,

it would sort of shock people.

I want to talk to you about
a tremendous experience here.

I took Merle out tonight.

And we went down...

I put my raincoat down in the sand
and watched the stars.

And you know very well
what we did.

I hope you are not
disappointed in me

or jealous.

I said to Merle that I love her.

I love you.

I love you deeply.

I don't know if you remember or not,
but I remember terribly well.

But we talked about friendship

and being able to communicate
with each other.

But friends are people to whom
you can say anything,

and they will understand.

I'm going to ask Merle
to say Hello to you,

but she feels...

Allis, it's my first time
to talk to you.

I think you're tremendous,
yes, yes, yes.

I'm going to ask her
to sing for you,

Maybe one of her
favorite songs.

Keep my cockatoo cool, Curl

Keep my cockatoo cool

Don't go acting the fool, Curl

Keep my cockatoo cool

All together now

Tie my kangaroo down, sport

Tie my kangaroo down

Tie my kangaroo down, sport

Tie my kangaroo down

I've been listening to your records
for a long time this morning

and thinking very much
about what you said,

and understanding...

and thanking God
that you've had the records

so that you could talk to me.

I love you very, very much.

And you know that,

or you wouldn't have been able
to send those two records.

Well, I did the kind of things with Lar.

Sorry, I'm just...

You have done and you are doing
a fabulous job with the children.

Goodnight, Darling.
I love you.

This is Anne.
Goodnight, Daddy.

Hello, Pop, this is Chuck
speaking for WM Gross.

Goodnight.

Goodnight, I love you.
This is the end of the record.

Sail, baby, sail

out upon that sea

Only don't forget to sail

back again to me

Back again to me

Since the tape recorder was sent
just a year ago,

so that I might put down things on tape
that I wanted our children to know.

Then Bruce was taken sick
and it became a therapeutic device...

for all of us.

It is time to put things on tape.

There's some things...

which are very much
in my mind these days.

which I want to think out
for myself.

Charley is always
criticizing the children.

Patience which had always been
with Charley was gone

and he's telling me

that everything that is wrong
in the family is my fault.

I think he has a great potential
as a father,

but somewhere, somehow,
something went wrong.

When Anne was 15,
he had a talk with her

she was much too young
to understand.

and I think it brought
great sadness to her whole life.

Many things that happened to her
would never have happened.

She fell in love with a bad boy

because he was the only boy
who ever paid any attention to her.

She ran away to him
when he went to New York

because she could not stand
the fights in the house.

She could no longer stand
being in this house.

I hope this isn't the reason
why she's married.

And I think now
she has found happiness.

I am worried about the load
which Chucky is carrying

and if things go on
as they are now,

he is going to have to carry
an ever greater...

weight.

He's 16.

Chuck studied a total of about...

six hours last night.

and it should have taken him
an hour and a half, at the most.

I don't see how he can get through
this Summer or next Winter.

Because he has no idea of studying.

He has no idea how to read
for content.

He has never been taught.

Charley said,
You should have taught him.

But when I tried to tell him,
Charley wouldn't let me.

Bruce has been...

growing stouter for the past 2 years.
He's now 13.

You want to tell us all the things
that are bad with us.

Now, I'll tell you something.

They're bad about you and Mom.

How do you expect Douglas and I
to do all the things you ask?

To clean up our rooms
and be nice boys.

But we come home
and first of all,

you and Mother fight
all the time.

Every day Mother's got a new thing
she's trying to shove down my throat.

Last night the newest thing was...

and before that it was prune seed,

and before that, vegetable juices,
and before that, it was vitamins,

and everything else.

If you would leave me alone
about eating, I'll do fine.

But when you try to shove crud
down my throat,

I don't give a fuck.

If he runs away from home
because it's too much to handle,

which he does often,

he always calls me
to tell me where he is.

I'm worried about Douglas.

I don't know where we went wrong.

I know that I feel...

that all hell has broken loose

since we came to Hartford
12 years ago.

Anne once said to me,
What happened?

We were such a happy family.

I don't like him being unhappy
at the office.

I don't want him to stay
if he's unhappy there.

I went back to Italy this Summer
because I had to go.

I was gone 10 days.

And I'm glad I went because
I think it saved my life.

I think it saved my sanity

and it gave me a belief
in myself again.

Because my friends believe in me.
They think I can do anything.

They call on me for anything.

I am back again.

I just feel that somewhere
something has to be done...

to help the family.

I have to go to sleep.

It's one o'clock, and I'm tired,
and this has been a difficult session.

But I've been putting this down
for one reason.

If Charley and I do get
to see somebody,

after they have seen us once,
then I will give them this tape,

and I will ask them
to listen to it.

Because some of these things

I don't want to say
in front of Charley yet.

Because I feel he is
on the brink of something

and I'm scared of that too.

And so whoever you are,
Goodnight.

And Chuck is a counselor there.

This has been a fabulous
experience for Chuck.

Camping brings back
lots of happy memories to me.

I remember two of the great big
wonderful Indian war canoes

we used to go out on at a pond
at Wellanagonac, a Denmark name.

I remember trips
that we've taken in the car.

I wish we could have done this
with our kids.

We never did
and it's too late now.

Anne's gone.

It brings back...

wonderful memories
of Arizona trails with my father

when we rode horseback.

I must have been a nasty girl

because I wouldn't take
any guff from anybody.

Yet they all liked me,
and they all loved me.

So I don't quite see
what's happened since then.

But I guess...

I guess people don't like
that kind of a person, really.

Anne is married.
Chuck is 17.

Bruce and Doug were working
to bring themselves out of miseries.

They're both in a high
emotional state.

- And Chuck has to have a realm of...
- Neurological stuff.

No, physical... medical stuff.
We've passed the neurological part.

This is going to cost money.

Now I wonder what I should do.

The next 10 years will bring Douglas
up to 21 years of age.

Should I forget time to...

be a businesswoman or do anything else
and simply stay at home

and keep house and try to make things
calm, comfortable and quiet

for Charley and the boys?

I have to get this to Dr. Lenn.

What is Charley's role
in this house?

Trying to be a sweetheart,
a wife, and a mother.

Many women are unable to handle
both of these roles adequately.

They'll settle on one or the other.

So, there's a conflict between roles.

Very often your role
as a breadwinner

and your role as a
Charley Good fellow at home

who is always available to take
the kids anywhere they want to go,

and to meet the needs
of your wife.

According to Dr. Lenn,

the basic difficulty between us
is we have different sets of values.

According to Dr. Lenn,
Charley has to live by his values.

My values are more permissive.

It's still gone back to the old thing
that your father is very jealous

of my years in Europe,

of my 1st marriage,
of my singing...

and of anything pertaining to this.

I got to the point

where I wasn't interested
in volunteer work anymore.

I didn't want to do it,
and I don't want to do it.

But neither do I want to sit around
and just do housework.

I don't play bridge,

and I'm not a going out
to coffee person.

So what do I do with my time?

Now the next question is,
Do I have the right...

to take the time from the family
to do anything?

I've got to find something

in which I am successful at.

Tom, I am at the point
that I am breaking

from not having success.

I cannot point out
anywhere in my life...

in 55 years that I have had success.

It's also a question of if I'm going
to spend as much money as it looks

on psychologists and psychiatrists.

Because Dr. Lenn said he wants to work
intensively with Bruce

and may pull in psychiatrists.

- Bruce?
- Yeah.

Now if you don't shout,
you can come in here and help us.

I hope I can.

We started out this tape...

discussing what I should do...

with my life as a person.

We worked out how much
my father spent

on drinking and smoking.

We figured out if he cut it down
by one quarter,

it would have saved us
a great deal of money.

We showed it to him
and he just said, Hmm

and the next day
he was drinking Vodka.

- Bruce, you can't go out by trying...
- You listen to me!

You know what Judith told me?
Judith told me I could spend...

I didn't say a word.
You explained how you were...

And I explained how I am.

And then I opened my mouth...

Now, you didn't listen to...

You're not going to tell me that
ever again.

Sorry, Bruce, go right ahead.

First thing I said...

We're not getting this done
by talking about it.

May I say something?

You interrupt me every time
I open my mouth.

Because you have no
damn business to.

It's none of your business
what I spend on my expense account.

You brought this on yourself.
You're wrong!

It isn't the deal I think.

If you go on cheating...

- Will you come back here, please?
- I'll do anything for you right now.

She started the whole damn thing.
This is wrong.

I'm not happy...

with the way in which
the association is developing.

We've dictated a memorandum
to Lou Chapman

about some of these things

and I may get fired for it,
but I don't give a God damn if I do.

Can you tell me why...

just because I produce an idea,
it's no goddamn good?

Maybe it's because they know
about you and me

and about what we believe in.

It wouldn't change the fact
that you're free as air

and I'm glad you've used
the freedom,

or that I'm as free as air.

I think maybe

we have been a little forward
in getting this across.

We probably would have been
better off to be hypocritical

and pretend that we don't.

Social mobility, the meeting of people
the small world it is.

We aren't doing as well as
we should be doing in Hartford.

I stopped entertaining

because after every dinner party,
there was a fight.

I hadn't said the right thing
or done the right thing.

Something was wrong.

- Why first Allis do you come in here
- Yes, I had to go to the toilet.

Go to the toilet!

The hell with the cat!

My wife tells Bibi to sit in my lap.

Charley, shut up.

Oh, nuts to you!

What do you want?

You're as bad as burnt fruit.

He drank Martinis after Martinis.

He drank them during dinner,
another one after dinner.

And they were double Martinis.

I'm surprised that Burt Healy

thought it was necessary to caution me
on expenses and drinking.

I haven't been drinking, Dear, either.

It's just that I think
I'm beginning to learn

something about the mysteries of life.

I know it's a very strange request,
but I can't help making it.

And I hope you understand this.

I'd love to get together
with her myself.

And I hope you will sponsor this,

and if you don't feel you should,
just say so.

And concerned that there might
be any hazard of this...

relationship being disturbed
by outsiders coming in.

On the other hand, in our country,
as in your country

there are very adequate laws.

I came down,
Charley was in front of me.

I said something to him,
and he slapped me in the jaw.

My jaw hurts quite badly
and all my teeth hurt.

And I fell down
when Charley hit me.

Chuck went for him, and...

Chuck was
about ready to kill him.

I grabbed Chuck's coat
and tore it a bit.

Chuck took off his coat,
and ran after his father,

and told him to take off his glasses,
and Charley didn't.

And they were screaming
at each other outside

and then Charley drove off.

He cried and cried a lot
about how unhappy he was.

A 14 year-old...

he should be with his parents,
and he shouldn't be there.

What were they trying to do?

Get him away from the family
by being in boarding school.

I have an 11 a.m. session
with Dr. Lenn today

in which he tells me

that Dr. Altenberg and he were
in complete agreement

that Doug was simply parroting me
in everything he said,

and that subconsciously
I had passed on to Douglas

my desire not to have him
go to school.

And this something I simply...

cannot understand,
I can't believe.

Dr. Lenn says
that Dr. Altenberg says...

that I did this...

I've done this as a means
of getting at Charley.

That it was my last way
of being able to get at him.

Dr. Lenn made me sound like...

a lowest form of human being...

that I can imagine.

He said...

that I had damaged
my whole family.

That I would have killed myself
rather than do it consciously.

But that unconsciously
I had done it.

I begged him
to let me leave them.

I begged that...

if as a wife and a mother,
I had done this to my family,

then I should leave.

And he said, No.

That Douglas needed to know
his mother was at home.

I cannot understand...

why...

Douglas should have a mother at all

if his mother has been responsible...

for the condition he is in now.

Dr. Lanning said Bruce is doing well
and is looking forward to the weekend.

- I would like to say a few things.
- Is it recording?

Yeah.

Yes, it is recording.

One afternoon Doug and I are upstairs,
and you and Mom were fighting.

It doesn't make sense.

We were doing no wrong
and you were blaming each other.

I did not address you, Bruce, because
I've been trying to avoid that,

knowing you have these irrational
outbursts about your father.

You think Mother wears the pants
in the family.

No.

Yes, you make up
an excuse for Mom.

No, when I say I want you
to set the table or something,

I back it up.

But you fight Mom.

You yell at us, then say,
leave him alone

You said...

These are your kids.
You brought them up wrong.

You've done this or that.

You have said...
I can't remember the exact date.

I would suggest
a different approach here.

Alright, I did.

Allis, you're going against
the law on this thing.

...was out of town,
had the right to see him at home.

Not when I'm in high school.

So, I'd better know,
or I'll have to learn it by myself.

Now, why didn't you clean
the waste baskets yesterday?

No, I fucking hate it!

- Get back to the chores.
- No, I will not!

It's my turn to talk about
whatever I want to.

He's right.

Every time I bring up something,
you change the subject back to chores.

Now, I want to call my trumps
on this right now.

Dad isn't going to say anything.

Organize your thoughts in your mind,
then say what you want to say.

Session with Bob Goodwin.

The home is the last refuge...

that we can turn to.

That's what I tell him
and his mother.

A child's rule in the family...

mother rule, father rule,
otherwise you have chaos.

Because...

Chaos, you like that.

But do you feel you are fit?

In fact, a disappearing father.

At times I'm very angry
because you're out with that girl,

going to terrific places.

But you're not wise enough.

You're bound, you're in this...

You're living

between the TV screen
and the kitchen sink.

And you resent it.
So you love the girls and the wife.

You're always talking about

how you're accustomed
to expanding the bed.

The leader to the children.

Children can accept ideas
without time for interpretation.

The leader can get cut down,

be ignored,
he has no thoughts.

He has to have
this kind of channel.

So in other words,

the woman's role is crucial
at this point.

Bruce came home at 9 a.m.
Saturday morning

until 9 p.m. Sunday night.

Douglas saw Dr. Altenberg at nine.

Chuck telephoned himself
and talked to Franconia College,

and made a date to spend
the night of the 23rd with them,

and stay in class on the 24th,

and talk to different teachers
and see...

then they would make a decision
if they'd accept him at Franconian.

Bruce is coming home
again this weekend,

and if things go right,
he's going to come home

on the 17th, and stay through
till the night of the 22nd.

I don't know what we'll do
for those three days.

Charley can take a week off
if he wants.

I've just come from Dr. Lenn's.
We had a good visit.

I think Dr. Lenn is saying to me...

Stop telling Charley what to do.
Let him make the decisions.

Even if they're wrong,
and I'm trying to do that.

Or even if I think they're wrong.

Charley and I had a good session
with Mrs. Hewitt.

The first we've had
without having a fight together.

Well, I haven't ended up feeling,
I wish to God he'd leave me alone.

I think things are going
a great deal better now.

I am beginning to feel better,

and I'm beginning to feel
that maybe I can do things.

I'm a bit worried about Dr. Lenn
and I'm not going to until next week.

I think I, myself, have been in...

probably in more severe psychological
condition than I realized.

It's a rough day today.

It's 9:30 here, and I have
a 12:00 visit at the institute.

Run errands,
and then 3 p.m., Dr. Lenn,

down to my CLU class at 4:30

and back out Dr. Mendel Forrest
at seven...

for the group therapy session.

Charley is seeing Dr. Lenn
next week,

alone on Tuesday.

Chuck is seeing him on Monday.

We've changed the date
for the marathon.

The deal is to Justin
that we bring the husbands in on this.

Possibly even as much as 24 hours.

I think this would be wonderful.

I really think
this would be terrific.

Charley is being wonderful.

He's so much...
nicer when he's sober.

And he's been giving up drinking
for several weeks,

and it's all the difference
in the world.

And I can't find the records
that he sent back from Australia

that I put somewhere
for safekeeping.

He brought home the dictating machine
so that we could tape them.

And now I can't find them
because I put them away

and he didn't get angry,
and I was so afraid he would.

And it was wonderful...

because I hadn't done nothing right.

I don't know what to do.

Dr. Lenn says that
when a man marries,

he marries because he wants
a woman with a capital "W".

And he wants a woman

to be greeting
and be a house bizman.

Alter his ego and keep
a calm happy house for him.

And I've done a rotten
stinking job of that.

And I'm not a woman
with a capital "W".

March 21st, 1967

First day of Spring,
and we're expecting a snowstorm.

- Is Bruce okay?
- He has signed out.

- Where is he?
- He's at the institute.

They can keep him for 10 days
after he has signed out.

Now they want me to commit him
and I absolutely refuse it.

The doctors say
he shouldn't come out.

Maybe you...

- But I'm not going to commit him.
- Why not?

Because if I commit him,

then we can never take him out

unless we get a psychiatrist release
and go to court.

And I'm not turning my child
over to anybody.

What does he do?
Have therapy or...

He has two half-hour sessions a week
with the psychiatrist.

- And that's it.
- Is that all?

And this is what is bugging him
and what is bugging me.

Charley says,

He's in the best place
he can possibly be.

You should take it on faith,
and I won't.

So I raised hell.

Two half-hours a week.

To be living there,
that doesn't sound like much.

Yeah.

What's he even doing in there?

Because he was throwing things around
and he threatened his father.

Threatened his father?

He sat there one night.
He said, I'll kill him.

He finally picked up something
and threw it at him.

And because he was getting
uncontrolled fits of anger.

When he would tear things up
and throw things around.

Mommy said one day,

Allis, I like Charley,
and I think he's a man-god.

This was before we had married.

But she said,

I have never in my life met someone
with such an inferiority complex.

And he did have one.

He's actually known
for his job up here.

Then he wrote a book.

The book was for a college course,

and he had never written a book
before in his life.

And this was a big pat on the back.

And...

I had college.
Well, I speak four languages.

I would drop out from high school,

and I dropped out of college
in December of my sophomore year

because of the war.

And then I went on to night school
whenever I could take it.

I met Charley and married him.

Then I realized I couldn't go on
to college anymore, I had to stop.

Because he had no college,
and he is very sensitive about it.

And this man is so unsure of himself
that it's absolutely wicked,

and I think he's grown
fearful of losing me...

to somebody that might be
more interesting.

Dr. Lanning said that Bruce could not
come home for the weekend

and Bruce was perfectly furious.

I gather from Anne that he called her
and was incoherent for 10 minutes.

He was so angry.

Then finally he calmed down,
and she talked to him.

And...

helped him a little, I think.

He talked to me
and was angry at me.

And Dr. Lanning took away
his telephone privileges for a week.

I've lost all my spunk
and all my get-up-and-go,

and I don't find it anywhere.

Bruce today,
I asked him to cut the grass,

He said, No,
I don't live here anymore.

Why should I?

Bruce, this is your home.

No it isn't, I come here
for 11 hours, once a week.

It isn't my home anymore.

What are people doing to our children?
Then they say it's our fault.

It isn't, not entirely.

The 2 or 3 times when I talked
to Bruce in there,

it seemed to me that Bruce...

was under the influence
of some kind of a tranquilizer.

I cannot go on
being told I'm wrong.

I've got doubts in my mind.
Doctors aren't always 100% right.

I don't know
what's the matter, Darling.

I don't know what's the matter.

Charley and I love each other.
We cuddle up to each other at night.

And we can't open
our mouths to each other.

We just seem to be bristling
at each other all the time.

I don't want a divorce
or a separation.

I can't stand seeing
my children like this.

I don't like it.

I don't like the idea
of taking a tranquilizer

but I decided I had better do it
these few days while Bruce is home

because I have to be in a condition
where he does not get upset tonight.

Dr. Lanning said that,
Bruce tells him this morning that...

the tantrums last year
and all the scenes that he put on...

were done on purpose...

to get attention,
which is exactly what Bruce told me.

Chuck brought home a test
that he took once before,

but he's so confused
on arithmetic,

and he has been all along ever,

and nobody will listen to me
about it.

I still know that the thing
I should do with this family

is take these three boys
into the mountains,

or into the wilderness somewhere
where they can settle down...

and grow,

and then bring them back
into civilization.

None of them are in a good
mental condition.

And Dr. Lenn says
it's because I'm a non-conformist,

and in this world
you have to be conformist.

Maybe I am a non-conformist,

and maybe Charley is a bigger
conformist than he thinks.

But...

I still don't believe
in conformity.

I don't believe in conforming
for conformity's sake.

Nothing anybody says
is going to make me agree.

I believe in what you do,

and I think it's a wrong civilization
or a wrong culture

that requires you to conform
in order to do anything.

Charley once remarked about wanting him
to go to a school for the retarded.

There's nothing retarded about Chuck.

It's simply a block.

He's scared because...

he won't have anyone to lean on
when he goes to college.

And I just think I'm right...

that he should have taken
a year off and not gone.

I think we're wrong
not to have told him so.

I don't know what to do
about it at this point.

But I hope Chuck doesn't break.

I couldn't stand it
if Chuck broke too.

We can't all go into the institute.

- Would you like to see Dr. Lenn?
- No.

Don't you understand me?

You don't understand me
and I want somebody else to.

I don't want to go to that institute.
I want to go and do the paper.

I want to do the paper.

- How can I do it now?
- Because you want to.

Everything is going around
in circles in my head.

I worry about everything,
and I know what I have to do.

And I want to do it.

I want to get out of school
and I want to do this.

I want to live,
and I'm not living.

You see, I'm not living.
I feel like this all the time.

I don't know where the back room...
I think they call it...

the secrets have been
something like...

Then I have to go
to the institute.

And I'm not...

I took the tape over
that I made with Chuck.

He was in hysteria yesterday.

Charley behaved like this.
He couldn't let Chuck alone.

He said on the tape...

Chuck, if you ask me questions,
you're going to answer.

He doesn't realize
Chuck is just talking the talk.

He's trying the same thing.

I just feel as if the whole world
was coming apart.

Dr. Lenn says...

the whole family is planning
on committing suicide

because Charley and I do not agree
on what the kids should do.

I told Dr. Lenn...

Why don't you let me leave?
Why can't I leave?

Dr. Lenn said he didn't think
Charley would stay much longer.

Then why sweat it out?

Why not just make a break
if Charley is not going to stay?

We saw Dr. Lenn at MEM
this morning.

We came away very depressed.

He said...

that Chuck is in danger
of not graduating.

And that Chuck realizes this.

He said that he had a...

16 page psychologist report on Charley
that was made 3 or 4 years ago

that I didn't know about.

And this report went into Charley...
as a person,

and into his...

work at the office,

and what he was doing...

under the terrible difficulties
which he had at home.

I said that any report

that Dr. Lenn was getting
from anybody...

was incorrect or incomplete

simply because they had never
investigated the whole situation.

What is the meaning of life?
What does all this mean?

How important are the things
that we think are important?

The status symbols, the...

I don't know.
I'm just rambling on,

trying to communicate with you
somehow.

I don't want to be with him.

I don't know.

I said to him at lunch today...

I'm sorry Charley.
I realize that...

...a very poor wife to you.

And he said,

Well, there's only been two areas:
housekeeping and finances.

It's almost 5 p.m.

And I came out...
for a ride.

I don't know what is wrong today.

I don't know why.

I don't know what triggered it.

Because I thought
everything was going so well,

and I was happy
about the weekend,

and I was happy about... Bruce.

And all of the sudden
I'm drowned in tears,

and I don't understand anything.

When I walked into Dr. Lenn's office

I say, What happened?
What went wrong?

And Dr. Lenn says...

All the children have failed.

Because of the atmosphere
of the house.

I want out.

I've brought four wonderful children
into the world.

Where the hell have they all gone?
What's happened to them?

Saying this down
don't make peace of myself...

I know...

the kids are going through
this anguish and unhappiness...

And I can understand people
who kill their children

rather than have them
live like this.

I just don't have
the courage to do it.

Just end it all.

To not have them suffer
and be unhappy anymore.

They sound terribly unhappy.

All of us are in such a mess.

July 17, 1967

This has been a very difficult
winter for us.

Bruce went into the institute
on Thanksgiving Eve...

and came out on June 23rd.

Chuck was doing very badly in school

but started to do better
in the 2nd semester

and came through with 2 B's and 2 C's
when he graduated.

Douglas was in school
the 2nd half of the year.

We are trying to learn.

We have had almost...

Well, we've had weekly sessions
with Dr. Theodore I. Lenn...

and sometimes more often.

I have been in group therapy.

And we have been seeing
Mrs. Elizabeth Hewitt

at the Institute of Living...
every week.

We may be coming out of it now.

Meantime this Winter,
from January 31st onwards...

I would make tapes in the car.

And I am now combining these tapes

in case we want to use them
at a future date

or if Dr. Lenn would
like to use them.

January 16th, 1968

I went down to Anne
this afternoon.

and had a good time with her.

Chuck is at Franconia College.

I am disturbed.

He's not sure that...

he's finding things quite the way
he thought they would be.

He hasn't had any written work to do,
at least he didn't the first week.

He told me to stop mothering him.

Now, this brings up something
which has worried me considerably.

Obviously, I'm jealous
of my role as mother.

I wouldn't be a mother
if I weren't.

But I am beginning to resent,
very much indeed,

the psychologists
and psychiatrics' idea...

of downgrading mothering.

This is what it seems to me
they're doing.

Don't mother me.
You don't know.

It's up to me
to make my own decisions.

Now, I have given these kids
all kinds of freedom all their lives,

and I am very resentful of this.

I think this is completely wrong.

The more I think of it,

the more I'd like to finish bringing up
the two boys by myself.

I also talked to Colonel Tenfold

who was distressed
to hear about Chuck.

He sent his warm regards,
as did the Birch Society.

I got the shopping
all fixed up and done.

Things shipped off
to Morgan and Anne.

And my escort was
a very charming...

blond lady
who dances beautifully.

And the whole party went off
extremely well.

And it was nice
to be young again.

So goodnight, my Dear.
I love you.

And he said...

that a lady interrupted him
and said, Georgie...

If I were your wife,
I would poison you.

And Sir George said...

Madam, if you were my wife,
I think I would take it.

Subtitles by Gianni777