Original subtitles

"Boy!"

"Boy!"

"I came home and brightened the place"

"Get up, lower the bass and increase the beat"

"Celebrate my arrival with fire clapping, and ululations"

- "I am El Kabeer" - "He is El Kabeer"

"Money, arms, power and an army of 3000 men''

"A hundred times stronger than a bear I roar like a lion"

"As proud as an eagle sly like a fox"

"Mix all of these together and you will have El Kabeer"

- "A dangerous mix" - "A dangerous mix"

"I drank camel milk as a kid not formula or juice"

"That's why I am tough, rough and dangerous"

"Professional PlayStation gamer and can beat any small kid"

- "Or a big kid" - "Or a big kid"

"I can rule any people no matter how many"

"It doesn't matter if they are rich or poor"

"Even if they are scholars, illiterates, or college kids"

"They have to obey me or they will disappear''

"Objection!"

"Yeah"

"Yeah"

"Come on! I really love this country like the fat kid loves the cake"

"And I'll be the new Mayor please just give yourself a break"

"You can't even battle me one on one Mr. Fake"

"My rap is like an ocean while your rap is like a lake"

"Please talk to me in Arabic if you don't mind brother"

"Don't mimic Eminem 50 Cent or Soulja Boy"

"If we compared our Rap to the breeds of dogs"

"mine would be Pitbull and yours will be a stray called Roy"

- "Listen, El Kabeer" - "No, you shut up and listen"

"I am a knight and can lift heavier than you can"

"No way you can beat me no matter how hard you try"

"Even in the Rap challenge I'll always have the final word"

"An apple tastes bitter when you eat it after chocolate"

''End of story!''

"Boy!"

"Episode 11"

Welcome, all! You're watching El Kabeer One Channel

this is the first episode from the brand new and exciting competition show

our show relies heavily on intelligence and wits

and helps widen the mental capacities of Mazareetian children

believe me, this program isn't just for children

it will surely attract adult viewers, too

Do you know what our show is called, kids?

- "Jamustay"! - I can't quite hear you!

- What is it called, kids? - "Jamustay"!

Great job, this stuffed animal will accompany us during all the episodes

this cow will only tell you the question if someone refers to it as "Jamustay"

Mr. Abd El Majeed, you can start

Jamustay!

An object that provides light for the world and doesn't require electricity

this one's easy, did anyone figure it out?

- Jamustay! - Okay!

It provides warmth in the winter and burns us in the summer

- you, have a go! - Jamustay!

How come you don't know the answer, you cow?

- It's obvious, it's a no-brainer! - Can I have a go, Mrs. Hadeya?

- Let's hear it, Mr. Abd El Majeed! - A gas stove!

May it burn you!

"The fight's about to start"

"she's trying to find a way in now, they've grabbed onto each other"

"she hit her on her head and punched her"

"she grabbed her and kicked her in the butt"

"it's a terrific display of reflex along with pinning her legs"

"two..."

I don't understand why Kabeer's channel is getting so many viewers, Thomas, why?

I can't quite believe this! We had the highest ratings in all of Mazareeta

and all surrounding villages including Ma'leeta, Ba'leeta, and Malateeta!

- What now? What will we do? - Our viewership is dwindling rapidly, Johnny

- we're failing, we're failing! - I know that! I know that!

- We're really failing! - I know that, stop!

- What are we going to do? - Here's what I don't get...

people are watching female wrestlers instead of the NBA League, imagine that!

I can't wrap my head around it! Now, please tell me what we'll do

- No, Johnny! Johnny! - Sorry! Sorry!

- Are you watching them? - She just took her out with one strike, watch!

Johnny, focus on the topic at hand! Tell me what to do!

Thomas, you've done more than enough, okay?

You did everything in your capacity! Hats off, you've done all you can!

But that's what you were born with you can't really do much

that's why, I'll intervene

Thomas, your problem is that you're a mere shell

you couldn't quite communicate with the culture and listen to what the people want

because you're a very shallow person! You even have a silly dragon tattoo!

It doesn't even mean anything! Now, listen here...

did we buy the rights for action and science fiction movies?

Sure, we have The Matrix, Avatar, Iron Man...

Listen, man, we'll show E.T. then Avatar, then the Matrix

- Yeah! - You'll see! Now, scoot over...

- Oh, my God! - The one in red is highly skilled, huh?

You still haven't seen it all! The one in blue was wearing a robe at the start...

but when she took it off, the other one started clawing, gnawing, and beating her!

Oh, my God!

Wild cats!

What kind of action movie is this? Is he hitting all those twins at once?

Were they all in the same womb?

Zuhair, your mother gave birth to you and your 12 siblings at the same time!

Change the channel, Zuhair! Let's see what El Kabeer's channel is showing!

Dear viewers...

we've reached the end, you've been watching...

"People find solace in others' suffering"

I'd like to thank today's victim, S. A. for sharing her suffering with us...

after her husband, G. N. sold her cow without her explicit permission

the same cow that her parents gifted her when she was a child

with whom she spent her happiest years

I'd like to tell her, that it's okay don't be sad

there are many cows out there

but you can't possibly find another husband

your husband is worth a hundred cows

finally, I'd like to thank the show's production team

Producer: Mr. Mohammad Al-Daysti

Videographer: Mr. Abu Al-Makarem

Sound Engineer: Sameh Jamal

Interior Designer: Samer Al-Jamalawy

Graphics: Mr. Manawishi

And our talented director: El Kabeer!

Until next time, Hadeya, wife of El Kabeer!

Stop!

It turns out you're quite talented, you cow! I was entranced!

Since I'm very shallow...

since I'm a mere shell who can't see the depth of things

since you're a deep person who thinks clearly...

naturally, when you show E.T. followed by The Matrix and Avatar...

then, people will eventually get bored and watch the movie you're currently seeing

for your information, we've tried everything with these people...

and they still refuse to watch!

For your information, there's no hope!

Great! Are you done now?

There's an old saying by a smart man frankly, I don't remember where he's from

he says: "Endings are the best part"

Endings, as in, when things come to an end

- Okay! - All of this is considered a first step!

There's more to come

wait, I'll show something that makes the entire Upper Egypt region...

stay at home, with no one to plant crops or harvest them later on!

I'll show Alice in Wonderland!

What did you think, man? It will break records!

For your information, I meant for Avatar to be shown without 3D glasses

the audience realized that it's overrated when I showed it like that

when I show Alice in Wonderland with 3D glasses people will be amazed with the graphics

it will be in 3D, man!

- There's another thing - What is it?

- A talk show! - Talk show?

I'm planning a show that will upset Dr. Phil and Oprah to the max!

Do you see a talk show succeeding in Al Mazareeta?

It's a talk show, man, it's gossip! We do it in the street, in fields...

people love gossip! What are the top three shows in Egypt?

Cairo Today, Make Yourself at Home 90 Minutes...

- Are they all cooking shows? - No, they're talk shows

so, we can do a show similar to 90 minutes but have it be 60 minutes instead!

Why are you plagiarizing? Don't you have integrity, you thief?

Didn't I say that you're a mere shell? You're a bubble, no substance!

People worked hard on a show like 90 Minutes and you're stealing their concept, blatantly!

Forget about it, then! Why don't we host a show at 5 pm?

That's a suitable time since people here sleep early

Six pm?

- Seven pm? - You're nothing but a social pimple...

if it ever pops, then it's over! You're a bubble with a dragon tattoo!

Talk show? How so?

They're programs where they interview people and discuss various matters

like the one you love so much!

Mamdouh Faraj? "Hey, you! I'm talking to you!"

- What is it, sir? - I'm just repeating his catchphrase, donkey!

No, I'm talking about the one whom you love greatly

- Amr Adib! - Amr? He's very funny and cute!

Why don't you make a show that's similar and have it called Al Mazareeta Today?

That's a great idea how did you come up with it?

We'll host a segment called "Ask El Kabeer"

That's a great idea, Kabeer!

Listen, get me Dr. Ezzat Abu-Ouf's number from the phonebook

At your service... Why a doctor? Are you okay?

It's Ezzat Abu-Ouf, who Amr Adib will interview during his show, you donkey!

He'll be happy if you tell him that El Kabeer wants him on Al Mazareeta Today!

there won't be a problem, ask him how much he wants so we can make a deal

What if he's busy and ignores us?

Call Sameh Al-Zariti!

"Johnny Talk show"

A very good morning to you all

today's the first episode of the Johnny Show on Al Mazareeta TV

your favorite channel Johnny Show isn't like any other show

we like to discuss topics that concern every Mazareetian

we also provide solutions today, we're interviewing Mr. Hamed

a prominent example of familial success in our village

why is that? That's because his son is the only Mazareetian....

who was able to face adversity and break through barriers...

and get accepted into nursing school but that's not all!

He accomplished a bigger miracle he actually graduated!

This incident caused quite a stir in the Egyptian community

now, many directors and writers...

are making offers to buy the rights of this story from Mr. Hamed...

so they can turn it into a science fiction film

that's based on a true story

- How are you, Mr. Hamed? - Hello, Mr. Joe!

- Johnny! - It's all the same!

Anyway, I need you to tell us about your experience with your son

how did you give him the necessary push so he can become successful?

I didn't do much

No, I need you to tell me how your son achieved this with your support

What do you want to know, exactly?

Why are you getting riled up? Calm down, that's the way!

I need you to tell us how you treated him at home

I never saw him, nor did I ever accept him

I used to head home from work at the end of the day...

and, when he returned from nursing school...

he would start studying immediately making so much noise, I was annoyed

I don't like noise! I want to sleep and relax!

I kicked him out, and told him to find another place far away to study!

You used the pressure technique! This is great! This is really great!

This's great! So, every day you give him some negative energy...

and he automatically turns it into positive energy

this is great! I wish we all can be like Mr. Hamed!

Turn your phone off! Turn it off!

Turn it off!

Mr. Hamed!

We'll be back after the break

What's it, Johnny? Why are you so nervous?

- I'm not nervous! - Yes, you are

it's like you're standing in front of a camera for the first time

no, Johnny! The man overshadowed you, relax! Relax!

Please, don't ruin it for me!

Look at you! You did what you want and let this down, what is this?

- I didn't do it! Wait, wait - No! I told you...

Are you giving me instructions again? Again?

Don't forget who you are! You're here because of me

this channel is mine you're nothing without me

nothing! Everyone here knows that!

I told you to do one little thing and you failed!

Is this the kind of guests I wanted? That guy!

He tortures his son and humiliates him!

- I didn't find anyone else, what should I do? - You'll be fined one week's wages

- get out! - Okay

Mrs. Etimad!

- Come, please, Mrs. Etimad - Yes

Have a seat, please

listen, Mrs. Etimad this's your camera and this's your light

- so, get ready - Get out of here, man, move!

It's time for our next topic

it's a humanitarian and very touching issue

it's called Bless The Houses of The Good Ones

and Mrs. Etimad is here with us how are you, mother Etimad?

- I can't complain, son - Tell us about your problem, mama

There's no problem, Mr. Johnny

I was married and I had three children

I was really satisfied and I felt blessed, thank God

apart from my mother-in-law, damn her! She was mean like a scorpion!

Her heart was full with hatred against me

she was waiting for any mistake I would make, son

one day there was a huge fight between us

I shouted at her and she answered me

and then, she had a stroke

my husband couldn't take it he died of shock

two days after my husband's death...

my middle child's body temperature increased

we took him to the medical unite

the doctor checked on him

and said that it was genetic condition and that he would stay always this warm

whatever!

Going back from the medical unit we took the microbus

I took the front seat and my children sat in the back

the driver hit on me a bit

he shouted at me and I answered him

and the microbus rolled over

- don't worry, nothing happened, I'm fine! - Thank God!

But actually, my eldest son...

- he lost his ears - Oh, my God! Why? how?

He became deaf, son! He lost hearing

he lost the ability of hearing

and he had troubles with speaking

the youngest child has become paralyzed

he became useless!

But, thank God, I'm fine, son nothing bad happened to me

Thank God, all the others aren't important

anyway, anyway...

if anyone wants to help this woman and I doubt it...

you should only call the damn numbers that will appear on the screen

People are amazed, right?

Sir, people are impressed with the show

What's new? It's old news!

People are crazy about it that they even didn't watch the show!

Which part of that was right? The first one or the second?

- Put your leg down! - So, it's the second one

- Yes! - No, you're lying

you're lying I saw happiness in their eyes

- What happiness? Why would I be jealous? - You're lying and you're jealous of me!

Everyone is watching El Kabeer's talk show

- Al Mazareeta Today - Is that the name?

- Yes - He's a social pimple, just like you!

He copied another show's name you're all copycats!

That's why Chinese goods are sold in abundance here

Watch this!

"We'll be back after the break"

"Al Mazareeta Today"

Listen, girl this is the last break in the show

and the last warning for you

if you keep talking and trying to draw attention so the cameras would focus on you...

and if you keep acting silly like that I'll hit you with my shoe

It's you who's preventing me from asking!

- Calm down, Kabeer - I'm trying to be calm

- she never stop talking, as if I'm useless here - Calm down, Kabeer

Wherever I go, people respect me

why won't you respect me, Kabeer?

How could you say that? I respect you too much, Mrs. Fatima!

God bless you, Kabeer!

If it wasn't for you, I would have killed her on air and buried her right here

God forbid!

Stop it, man! Stop talking, it tickles me!

I'm only standing this because it's like the one with Tamer Ameen!

Are you out of your mind? Are you yelling at me?

I'll show you after the show!

- We're on air, Kabeer, we're on air - We're back...

after the last break in your favorite show Al Mazareeta Today

first of all, I want to tell the audience something... excuse us!

We won't be able to receive your emails today because the computer is frozen

and we won't be able to receive your messages either

the network is down, and why?

It's because we're receiving so many messages, touch wood!

- Watch the time, Kabeer - Yeah, alright!

You're lighting up our day, Mrs. Fatima

- May you never have a dark day, Kabeer - Thank you

well, after the huge success you achieved with your songs...

such as: Azraieh, Here he comes and You Skinny

we heard that you're preparing for a duet with the world famous singer Ricky Martin

- is that true or is it just a rumor? - No, it's not a rumor, they announced that

I told them that I want to listen to the audio and think about it

and then decide whether I'm going to do it or not

I actually sang a world famous song with the world famous singer Shakira

its name was This Girl Can't Stop Dancing I hope you'll like it!

- We'll definitely like it - I hope so!

And of course, since we have...

- what is it? - Calm down, guys

- Don't worry, it's nothing - What's going on?

I slept with the air conditioner on it's nothing

It's okay, you speak I'm no longer in the mood

Well, Mrs. Fatima the show is almost over, sadly

and before the end, I want to tell you that you influenced people very much

I remember now...

one of my friends listened to Hussieneen and Mohammedeen and Hussieneen Has 11 Children

- so, he had 11 children, too - People listen to Hussieneen and Mohammedeen...

and start having kids once they listen to it

- Touch wood! That's the real influence - There is no doubt!

At the end of this episode...

since we have the great singer Fatima Eid we should listen to her singing

- what do you want to sing? - How about Step on, Bride?

Step on!

"Step on the carpet, bride!"

"When your groom saw you he realized he's so lucky!"

"Step on the carpet, bride!"

"When your groom saw you he realized he's so lucky!"

"Step on the green carpet, bride!"

"You have all the right to dance today!"

"Step on the carpet, bride!"

"When your groom saw you he realized he's so lucky"

I'm sad! No, I'm really sad!

I haven't been this sad since Michael Jackson died!

- People here are simple - What?

I didn't mean they are stupid, fool, I mean...

- they are local, well... - Okay

They ignored me and my special style look at this! Do you know where I got it from?

And they are watching Fatima Feast!

What should I do? Should I close this channel or turn it into a weird one named Strike?

And you would stand like a fool saying: "Mom is coming"...

"and you'll get a reward"! What should I do?

Listen, Johnny there's only one option...

I didn't want to do that but, obviously, we have to

No, no, no, Thomas don't compromise, the channel can go to hell

- No, you didn't get, Johnny, you didn't get it - Don't compromise, Thomas

Johnny, there is only one way!

- What is it? - We'll hit below the belt!

Listen, man, if you want your advertisement to be shown on the best channel...

in the middle east, pretty soon don't discuss money with me

don't talk to me about it! Do what I say and that's it!

I won't discuss money, end of story

it's over, it's over, it's over may it rest in peace, nothing lasts forever

this is the end, what's happening? The line is going dead, I'm in the elevator

I'm in the elevator, bye!

This's too much! Do all successful people have to receive all these calls?

This is wrong, Johnny you have to make some discounts

Why should I do that? Why?

Soon, I'll be the most successful one in the middle east, why would I make discounts?

you take it I can't answer the phone anymore

- It's Hagras - Tell him anything, tell him that I'm dead

Hello! Yes, Hagras

No, no, no, I'm not Johnny I'm Thomas

yes, Johnny fell in the swamp and died

No, wait, he's idiot like a donkey he might kill himself like me

- tell him anything else - Okay

No, no, he'll call you back later

what?

- What a disaster! - What's wrong?

Alright, alright I'll call you back in a minute, goodbye

El Kabeer's channel will be sponsored by a Saudi investor

Oh, my God!

"El Kabeer with sheikh Samer Ibn Hamad..."

"reopened El Kabeer One Channel"

It's him!

Hello, how are you, sir? How are you, king?

No, it's nothing the elevator is off network

What do you mean by "cancel it"? Why do you want to cancel it?

Oh, yes, yes by the way, I have a great offer for you

I'll make a 50 percent discount... hello! Hello!

I can hear you yes, I can hear you

I can hear you, don't fool with me...

So? What did he tell you?

He copied me with the elevator thing

he hung up on me!