All language subtitles for The Mindy Project (2012) - S04E26 - Homewrecker (1080p Blu-ray x265 Panda)

Okay.

Mindy...

Mindy, I'm getting married.

Let me try that again.

Someone likes me,

and, uh, so I'm gonna
get hitched.

Dan the Man is... yeah.

I'm not gonna do
the Dan the Man.

That's stupid.
I'll just cut the Dan the Man.

Just go int... I got it.

Mindy, this here is

a, uh... a wedding invitation
for you.

So stupid.

I'm cool.
Pull yourself together.

I'm good.

You good?
I'll just wing it.

All right, let's do it.

Hey.
Hi, sweetie!

You're ten minutes early,
which is late for you.

- Is everything okay?
- Yeah, I just wanted

- to talk to you about something.
- Okay.

Wait, you don't need money,
do you?

Now is not a good time.
I fell asleep on my keyboard.

I bought everything on iTunes.

No, it's not that.
It is pretty serious though.

Okay, I need to tell you
that I'm getting...

I'm... I'm getting...

You can tell me.

I'm getting fed up

with this mess.

This... this mess

all over your apartment.

It's... your clothes strewn a...

Look at this.

I'm standing on a brassiere?

I mean, come on.
I don't like it.

I don't like it for Leo.

I know.
It's a disaster.

You're right.

I am?

I wanna blame it on

how much I'm working,
but you know what?

We have the same job,
and your toilet is cleaner

than my whole kitchen.

Last night, at bedtime,

I was looking
for one of Leo's books,

couldn't find them,

so I just read him
the nutrition facts

on the back of some Bagel Bites.

- Bagel Bites?
- Can you believe that?

Oh, no, no, don... no, don't...

No don't... don't get worked up.

Your blood pressures real bad.
Take a deep breath.

I'm an unfit mother.

No, it's not that bad.

Look, I think this could be
good for him.

Good for his immune system.

He doesn't need
to go to the park

and roll around in the dirt.

He'll do it right here, right?

- Yeah.
- Yeah, everything's good.

Forget I said anything,
all right?

I gotta go.
I got a meeting.

Good talk.
Great talk, yeah.

I'm, uh... I'm gonna go.

Okay?
All right.

Yeah.

- Yes.
- Oh, my God, you guys.

- Yeah.
- We're gonna have so much fun

- this weekend in Miami.
- I can't wait to get down

with some Cuban guy
and just feel that gold crucifix

- just banging me in the chin.
- Mm, yes.

Ooh, that was vivid.
I like that.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, mm.

I need to get away from Jody.

He just keeps leaving me
these annoying apology gifts.

Yesterday, he left me this.

- Hmm.
- The note says:

"If it will help you forgive me,

you can shoot me in the leg."

Guys, the worst part is,

I kind of liked him, you know?

I thought that maybe we would
actually have something.

- All right.
- Okay.

- What?
- I think maybe we just

put the gun down
when we tell the story.

- Just in...
- It's not loaded.

- Oh, it is loaded.
- Let's just put it back.

Mindy, just forget Jody,

and by this time tomorrow,

we're gonna have, like,
ten gallons of mojitos in us...

- Ooh-la-la.
- Yeah.

Hey, you're sober though, right?

- So you shouldn't be drinking.
- I'm sober, but from drugs,

which means that I have
to drink twice as much now.

I get that.

I didn't know that.

- Mindy?
- Ugh.

Oh, I didn't realize
you had company.

Um, would you mind
giving us a moment, please?

Stay away, Mr. Chlamydia.

Yeah, I don't want
to get chlamydia

till I am in Miami.

I don't have chlamydia anymore.

It's part of what I wanted
to tell you, Mindy.

If you'll just give me
30 minutes of your time,

I'd like to make
a formal apology.

"Mindy, when in the course

- of romantic events..."
- Hey, man,

I ain't got no time
for no 30 minute apology speech.

Maybe when I come back
in a couple days,

and I'm tanned, braided,

and I'm engaged
to Ricky Martin...

- Yeah.
- Or his husband.

- That's right.
- Get it.

Up here.

That's what's up.

Tamra, we've discussed
the dress code.

What?
I'm wearing scrubs.

Yeah, but you cut the belly off.

Now you're 20% nude.

Don't you think
that I would love

to cut the arms off my lab coat

to create a trendy
knee-length vest?

Of course I would, but I don't.

Because we must hide
our true selves at work.

Oh, my God, the fire alarm!
Tamra, stay calm!

- Everybody, stay calm!
- I've got this!

Volunteer firefighter
to the rescue!

- Oh, God!
- Whoo!

Okay, people,
we need a safety meeting.

What we have is
a classic contact fire.

This garment rack came in
contact with this hot pipe.

So, in layman's terms,
what that means...

- Oh, don't... Oh, God.
- Oh, my God.

Oh, God, my beautiful clothes.

Shh, shh, shh, shh.

I was saving that dress
for the funeral of an enemy.

That's who did this.
Kelly Ripa.

- No, no, no, no, no, no...
- Kelly Ripa did it.

Mindy, you can't be leaving

your personal rubbish
at work anymore.

It's becoming hazardous.

My closet is now
a nursery for my son,

so I have no place
to keep my clothes.

Leave your possessions at home.

My apartment is bursting
with Lady Di memorabilia.

Do you see me
waltzing around here in a tiara?

No.

Oh, God.
Okay, fine.

- I'll figure something out.
- Okay.

Shh, it's gonna be okay.
It's gonna be okay.

Can I keep the burned clothes,
Dr. L?

No, they're too nice for you.

Fine, but can I cut off
my scubs top like Tamra?

Fashion is going to destroy
this office.

Hey, Dr. L.

Leo's preschool just
called for you,

and it sounded pretty important.

Bleecker Friends Quaker School
for Pre-Toddlers?

He got suspended

or he's wearing suspenders.

I didn't write it down
'cause my memory's so good.

You know what?
He's so hot,

he probably hooked up
with one of the teachers.

Excuse me.

Ah, Morgan,

I need you to do me
a small favor.

Yeah, I'll do jury duty for you.

- Let me go get my wig.
- No, nothing like that.

I'd like to borrow
the key to Mindy's apartment.

I wanna leave her a surprise
while she's away in Miami.

- No way, bub.
- Oh...

She almost took the key away

when I hosted
a small dog wedding there.

A gay dog wedding.

- Look at that.
- Uh-huh.

Well, I would like to build her
a walk-in closet.

Yeah, well, she needs one.

She's been keeping
all of her accessories in here.

I mean, Brian looks
like frigging Jack Sparrow.

So you'll help me then, Morgan?

Yeah, all right, I'll do it,
but if she gets mad...

I'm take the fall for you

- 'cause I love you.
- Thank you.

- Come on, let's go.
- Oh.

I was go...
I was gonna give you five

and it...
let's go, let's go, let's go.

Dr. Lahiri, Dr. Castellano,

your son has been suspended

for a violent outburst
on the playground.

Leo bit some girl in the arm.

Oh, no, that's not possible.

Our son is a sweet little angel.

I mean, he's even friends
with that little nerdy kid

with glasses even though
I told him not to be.

Here's a photo of the victim.

Okay, well...
oh, my God.

Oh, God, that's bad.
Put it back.

Okay, couple things:

She's wearing a cupcake onesie.

She looks delicious.
I mean, I would have bitten her.

It brought me no joy
to put your son in baby cuffs

and hand him to your nanny,

but we take violence
very seriously at this school.

It goes against everything
our Quaker founder,

Brother Jub Smith, stood for...

or sat for.

He donated his own legs
to a man who had none.

In fact, this building is
the location

of Manhattan's first
electric elevator.

Hey, man,
I gotta catch a flight to Miami,

so if you could maybe tell us

this sad-ass elevator story
another time,

- that would be great.
- Okay, well, look,

can we possibly just
discipline Leo at home?

Like, no "Dora" for a week?

Which would be hard for me too.

I mean, that's a very cute show.

When a child lashes out,

it's a sign that there
is trouble at home.

- Not in this case.
- Well, might be in this case.

The little guy's been
going through a lot.

His mom's get
a very hectic work schedule.

Exsqueeze me?
We have the same job.

If anything,
I think my son's biting

because he inherited
an anger problem

- from his father.
- What?

- What am I angry about?
- I don't know.

Your mom, your dad,
me leaving you,

your guilt-based religion,
doping in baseball,

- Mayor de Blasio...
- All these teens

just smoking dope
right out in public?

I never saw that under Giuliani.
Did you?

Look, Leo's mom
and I were together for awhile,

and I gotta tell you...

she's the biter.

How dare you.

I bit you in confidence,
and you loved it.

You begged for it.
Oh, and you don't bite?

Why don't you
tell it to my nipples.

I'm not gonna talk
to your nip...

why are we talking
about your nipples right now?

I'll tell you something.

We don't have the same job,
Mindy.

Okay?
I do one job.

You do 18 jobs.

That's right.
I forgot.

Because this is Afghanistan,

and a woman is not permitted
to have ambition.

Right, it's Afghanistan.

I'm just
a human fricking pacifier.

Mindy's in Florida so we have
the whole weekend.

Now, the first thing
we're gonna do is

get rid of this stupid
spiraled-stair bookcase thing,

and then we're gonna put
a walk-in closet right here.

We can do that in a weekend,
right Collette?

I guess.

I kinda had other plans

than to spend my weekend

building my older brother's
non-girlfriend

an apology closet.

Shame on you.

Dr. L will be
coming back from vacation,

and if she doesn't have
a gift waiting for her,

she could have
the post-vacation blues.

Come on now, it'll be a snap.

How long can it take
to wall off one room?

It only took father one night
to board mother up in the attic.

This whole thing seems
a little weird.

Well, if people were always
worried about what seemed weird,

we'd never know how delicious
pigs' feet were, would we?

Okay.

Morgan, why don't you start

by unscrewing the staircase
from the ceiling, please.

You got it, boss.
Hey, I got a little bit of,

uh, vertigo from both sides
of the family,

but I think it's gonna be okay.

- Yeah...
- Lefty loose-y.

All right, you're doing
excellent work up there, Morgan.

Ah, thank you
for the encouragement, Dr. K.

- Are you okay?
- Why'd I look down?

- Uh-oh.
- Oh, God.

Oh, God.

- Oh!
- Morgan, Morgan!

Oh, my God, are you okay?

I think the vertigo is gone.

Oh, dear.

Why would you think it was
a good idea

to talk about our sex life at
a Quaker school?

Because sex sells.

Why did you think it was a good
idea to bribe him?

$15 is a lot for a teacher.
It could have swayed him.

Okay, Danny,
this is the principal

at our son's school, all right?

This isn't a maître d'

at Anthony's Crab Shack.

Okay, what did you
want me to do?

The only other thing
I had was a 50.

Would it have killed you
to dressed up?

You had to wear jeans
to this very important meeting.

I ironed these jeans.

Sorry, I didn't know we were
gonna flirt our way out of this.

You know what,
don't cute-shame me.

My sexuality has gotten us
a lot.

Like those extra cable channels.

- What happened?
- Oh, it just... we stopped.

- Danny?
- Hey, don't worry about it.

I'm from New York.
I got this.

Okay.

That was your plan?

- To press one?
- That usually works.

That did nothing.
I could have come up

- with that trick.
- Okay, okay.

- Oh, God.
- No, shh.

- Oh, God.
- Just take... take it easy.

Oh, God.
This is my fault.

I'm well over the weight limit.
Every Saturday morning

when I told you
I was going to spin class.

I was in line for cronuts.

They're just so cakey,

and now I weigh 4, 000 pounds.

- No... you're hyperventilating.
- I'm freaking out!

Hello? Hello?
If you Quaker sons of bitches

- don't drop your goddamn oats...
- Okay, stop, stop screaming.

It's a school on a Friday night.
No one's here.

I'm gonna miss my flight, okay?

No reception.

Can't even call
Chelsea and Whitney

and tell them
I'm gonna miss our sex vacation.

Do you know how many
wet t-shirts I packed?

No, no, I don't want to hear

the mother of my child's going
on a sexy trip.

That's TM-information.

Danny, you know
I'm a very sexual person.

If I can't be myself,
then I'm just not gonna talk.

I'd prefer that.

Well, me too.
In fact, this is good.

I can catch up on my thoughts.

How does this work?

Do I just picture something
with my mind?

Oh, I... we're... we're fine.
We're fine.

I think that's
an unoccupied unit up there.

No, it's old man Horowitz.
He's the worst.

He always bangs on the floor
when Leo cries.

What's going on?

Why is there a whole
in my floor?

Shh.

Okay, okay, we have
to make it look like a burglary.

- What?
- That's what this is.

Morgan, I don't think
that's gonna help.

It works, trust me.

- What're you doing?
- Ah.

What was that?

Sounds like somebody
faking a burglary!

- Ah?
- Oh, man.

I don't want to go to jail.

No one is gonna go to jail.

I will go upstairs
and I will smooth things over.

I'm gonna go with you.
I'm gonna disarm him

with my comedy.

God, I left my whoopee cushion
at home.

You know what?
When I sit down on the couch,

go like this...

Mm... I'll go alone.

Hey, man, I gotta talk.

Words are just
building up inside of me,

and they're gonna
come out somehow probably

in a burp.

- Fine, talk about something.
- Thank God.

You know, the reason
I was excited to go to Miami

is that I needed some space
from this guy that...

What... no, I don't want
to hear about that.

Guys don't like that.
When they break up with a girl,

they wanna think
she closes up shop.

Why?
I wouldn't mind hearing about

- who you're dating.
- Yeah, right.

No, really.

Actually,
now you have to tell me.

I really wanna hear.

Uh...

Come on.

Are you sure?

Yeah, what else are we gonna do?

I mean,
there wasn't really, you know,

anything at first
because I was mainly focused

on putting my life back together

after the destruction you left
in your wake.

Okay, guilt trip accepted.

What happened after that?

Okay, if it's stories you want.

- There was this one girl...
- Mm-hmm.

Maxine.
She was cute.

And she loved dark leafy greens
as much as I did.

We seemed like a real match,

but then I looked her up online,

and I found out
that her ex-husband was dead.

So what?
I tell people your dead

- all the time.
- No, this guy was poisoned.

Killer never found.

Oh, my God.

Yeah.

So I just kept telling myself,
I said,

"This is not an issue.
Don't be paranoid, Danny."

But then she gives me this soup,

and I look down,

and it's got white flecks in it.

She said it was Parmesan,

but Parmesan, so I came up
with a brilliant excuse.

I gotta whiz.

I go to the bathroom,

left out the fire escape.

Check this out,
a month later, I see her, right?

She's on a date
with another guy,

who looks exactly like me,

except he's pale, sickly,
like maybe he's been...

Murdered.
He was a ghost.

No... no.

- Poisoned?
- Bingo.

- That was a great story.
- Oh, thanks.

Okay, tell me another.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

Okay...

What's taking your brother
so long upstairs?

Maybe Mr. Horowitz
has a daughter

and Jody's sleeping with her.

That happened every time I lost
a Frisbee in a neighbors yard

and he'd go get it.

If I had a Frisbee,

I could also use it
as a dinner plate.

Life hack.

Do you think
there'll ever be a time

when Dr. L forgives my brother?

Honestly?
Probably not.

She's very mean.
Also, don't tell anyone this,

but there's been
a lot of sexual tension

between me and her lately

and I think people want to see
how it plays out.

I don't think they are though.

- I've returned.
- Finally.

Well, the owner
of the apartment upstairs is

no longer upset
about the hole in his floor.

- Yes.
- Because...

well, I am the new owner
of the apartment.

I bought it for Mindy.

What?

There was another girl
that was perfect for me

- in every way.
- Yeah, I know this one, me.

- Next.
- No, not you.

Another girl, Gianna.

Italian, liked the Yankees,
loved to exercise.

- I mean, just loved it.
- Okay, you know what?

That feels pointed,
and I'll have you know,

- I went running yesterday.
- Really?

Yeah, my coat go caught
in the bus,

and that bitch bus driver
wouldn't stop for four blocks.

- Are you okay?
- I'm fine.

Oh, wow.

So Gianna's not
the only athlete.

Okay.
One morning after she leaves,

I'm on my laptop computer,

she changed
my desktop screensaver

from a picture of Leo
to a picture of her.

Oh, my God, ho did what?

- I know, right?
- I'm assuming you had one

of your Staten Island friends
take care of her.

No, no, no, we just did it
a couple more times,

and then we broke up.

I gotta tell you, Danny,
that story made me feel

offended, outraged,
and vengeful,

which are my three emotions.

It wasn't that great.

I'll tell you what's great.

- These candy straws.
- No doy.

I've only been telling you
for seven years.

What about you?
Huh?

Your turn.
Now you tell me something.

No, no,
I'm not much of a talker.

I'm... I'm more of,
like, a shy, pretty nun, so...

Yeah, shy, pretty nun.

I do have one story.

It's about you.

Do you remember when I told you
that I didn't want to see you

outside of handing off Leo?

Yeah.
Yeah, that hurt my feelings.

Wh... it was only
because I was worried

that I would get
too attached to you,

and I was right...

because one time,

I was coming out of getting
a bikini wax,

when I saw you on the street.

You were coming out of
that gay protein powder store

- on Christopher Street.
- Oh, yeah.

I get faster
customer service there.

The boys all know me by name.

And, for whatever reason,

I decided to follow you.

Really?
You tailed me?

- What was I doing?
- Mostly boring stuff.

I mean,
you bought a toy for Leo,

you yelled
at two skateboarders...

Wheels...
guys, come on!

You picked a wedgie...

Hold on a second.

But it was so fun

watching you

when you didn't think
anyone was looking,

and it made me remember
why I loved you.

That's my story.
Was it good?

Yeah, that was, um...

that was really good.
It was a little linear,

- but I liked it.
- Yeah.

Didn't it make me seem crazy?

A little bit...

But that's good.

I actually have a story
about you.

You remember at Shulman's

when I ran into you
in the elevator.

Oh, yeah, that was so weird.

I thought you were so senile,

you just wandered
into your old work place, so...

No, um, Jody, he, uh...

he sent you a letter...
a romantic one,

and it accidentally ended up
in my apartment,

and so I came to his office

and told him to back off.

Oh, my God.

- Jody sent me a letter?
- Yeah, but it wasn't good.

It was, like,
a lot of scratch outs,

it was on loose-leaf.
You don't need that.

Did anything happen
between you guys?

I thought you didn't want
to know about my love life?

- I'm asking you a question.
- No.

We're not a good match.

Yeah...

I agree.
I just don't see it.

He's too old.

You don't share
a frame of reference.

Really?
Because you're, like,

a million years old.

You're basically
in black and white.

Yeah, I'm younger than him.

What about you?
Did anything ever get serious

with the girls you were dating?

Hi, I'm Sarah.

Danny?

Danny,
what're you thinking about?

Climb on board

We'll go slow and high tempo

Wait, I'm sorry,
you bought her an apartment

and you made me chip in
for the pizza?

Well, you're the one
who wanted extra cheese.

I just wanted to apologize
for what I did to her,

and this seemed like
the best way.

You slept
with our brother's wife

and all you gave him was
an Edible Arrangement.

It might seem
a little irrational.

I've just never felt so bad
about my behavior before.

We're talking about Dr. L,
right?

- Yes.
- Who is old,

who has a kid, very ethnic,

isn't quiet, isn't Southern,

isn't anything
you've ever liked before.

Yeah.

I... okay.
I'm on board.

Really?
You think it's a good idea?

I don't know, but it's better

than any of the other ideas
you've ever had.

I don't know,
I'm still on the fence.

- I...
- Okay, we've got work to do.

- Sure, yeah, okay.
- Let's go.

What do you think this means?

I don't know,

but it was really nice.

Really?
I hated it.

- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah.

- You hated it?
- I was like...

Yeah?

J/K, J/K.

- Oh, finally.
- What time is it?

Yeah, we're fine.

We'll just pick
these wrappers up, all right?

- Oh, good morning, sir.
- Oh, good morning, sir.

It only took you an eternity
to find us.

Luckily I had this hot man
to have sex with.

Stop.
Thank you, sir.

Thank you
for helping us out here.

You might want to watch out
for that coffee cup.

We've been in here for awhile.

Know your city
what you're used to

Know I ain't
exactly what you're used to

Know you're prolly worried
what I'm used to

I don't blame you
what you s'posed to

Last time we fucked
like it was all night

Now you got me
thinkin' 'bout you all night

Me and you
seemed like it'd be all right

Long as we can
keep it all night

Cup full yeah I'm on

Poured up she ready

Hey, Danny?

Yeah?

I love you.

I love you too.

Tree leaf a little O

You know I'm faded

Heart shaped and I love that

Come here I'm down with it

I can't

I can't keep
my eyes off your face

Let alone
talk 'bout your body

I been waiting for so long

Well, hello.

Oh, my God.

- Oh.
- Oh, my God.

Jody, what're you doing here?

Hey, where's my artsy staircase?

I bought that from
a gay man's estate sale.

No, it was junk,
and I threw it away,

but don't worry, I replaced it
with something better.

Is that Narnia?
I don't wanna go.

It's for nerds.
Seal it up.

Come with me.
Come on.

It's okay.

Oh, my God,
we should not be up here.

This is where
old man Horowitz lives.

He's so mean.
He always screams at me

when I laugh too loud
at "Family Guy."

He won't yell at you anymore.

He's dead?
Thank God.

No... please, shut up.

He won't be yelling at you
because he's moving out.

Now, close your eyes.

What?
No.

Yeah, just... please,
just close your eyes.

- I don't want to.
- For a minute for me.

- Okay.
- Pretend.

- Okay.
- Now, imagine, Mindy,

if this whole place was yours.

You had all the space
in the world for little Leo.

Oh, my God.

You could turn
this into the room

every little boy's
overbearing mom dreams of.

For as long
as I've known you, Mindy,

I've seen you
put the needs of others

- before yourself.
- Really?

No one's ever said that.

Your boy deserves more
than to sleep in a closet,

and up here, he'll have
all the room he needs

to play and do his homework.

And space to shoot his videos
when he becomes a Vine star.

Sure,
and he'll know his mother is

right downstairs
if he needs her,

where she'll have
a special place of her own.

A walk-in meat locker?

No.
With Leo upstairs,

your closet can go back
to what it does best:

- Holding your junk.
- Oh, my sweet, sweet junk.

Because it's time someone
takes care of you for a change.

- Whoa.
- Can you picture that, Mindy?

Jody, what have you done?

I can't afford this place.

I need to be saving up
for my retirement.

There is no way that Leo's gonna
support me when I'm old.

His bitch wife is gonna hate me.

No, no, no, I bought it for you.

Ah, don't... don't
look at me like that.

It... it's a normal thing to do

if you're, you know... you want
to apologize to someone.

- Is it?
- I've done it before

for someone I might possibly,

against my better judgment,

be in love with.

Holy shit.

He left no time to regret

Kept his dick wet

With his same old safe bet

We only said good-bye
with words

I died a hundred times

You go back to her

And I go back to