All language subtitles for The Mindy Project (2012) - S04E22 - Princeton Charming (1080p Blu-ray x265 Panda)

Hola, gringas.

The bitch is back.

I have returned from my journey
of self re-discovery

in the Lone Star state.

And you know what?

I think I'm gonna
start saying "y'all."

And I'll definitely be spitting.

- Join the club.
- Oh, before I forget...

I got you guys all
authentically Texas gifts.

- Beverly, neck pillow.
- Ooh.

Oh, my God.

Jeremy, a real Texas treat...
"The Lovely Bones."

I do suspect that you bought
all these gifts

at the Austin airport.

That's not true.

I got some of them
on the airplane.

- For you, my friend.
- "Takeoff" magazine?

Harry Connick Jr.'s New Orleans?

Look at this.

I already did the crossword
puzzle, so don't try to.

- Okay.
- Hey, um, is Jody here?

Courtney made brownies,
everybody!

Oh!

Dig in.

Courtney.
Who Courtney?

Dr. K's new girlfriend.

Finally, a couple
we can all root for.

You have a girlfriend?

I've only been gone a week.

Usually, you move so slow.

When you tell a story, I have to
take, like, five pee breaks.

Oh, my God, Dr. K,
tell how you two met.

I love it, and not just
'cause I'm up for a raise.

I was at the gym.

I had just gotten off
the treadmill,

and she said,
"Are you done using that?"

And I said, "Yes."

Well, let's just say, uh,
she never got on that treadmill.

Oh!

Why can't something like
that happen to me at ballet barre?

That's it?
That's the whole story?

It's nice having an adult
relationship for a change.

Why, on Sunday morning,
we actually went out

for a breakfast lunch.

I had eggs, she had a burger.

The same meal...
can you imagine?

Well, you seem really happy.
Good for you.

Thank you, Mindy.

Hey, what's that?

Oh, nothing.

Dr. L, Princeton student
affairs called for you,

they need you to call them back.

Oh, no.
I know what this is about.

They figured out that I was
the streaker at reunion.

I'm toast, Tamra.
I'm toast!

Guys, I have some huge news.

I just got off the phone
with Princeton University,

my alma mater...

All right, braggy,
we get it, you have a phone.

And they have invited us
to do a "Later, Baby"

presentation on campus.

Oh, our first Ivy.
Hot damn.

They are the perfect demo
for the egg freezing.

Smart, careerist girls
who consider science

their boyfriend.

So this Saturday,
the three of us

are making my triumphant
return to Princeton.

Oh, did you say this Saturday?

If that's the case, I can't go.

What? You can't come?

How many derbies are there,
for God's sake?

No, it's not that.

Courtney made an appointment
with an allergist

in central New York,
and we were gonna

make a weekend of it, you know.

Hey, man, you have to come.

We're gonna get
more patients from this

than that time that we did
that radio jingle.

You know, where you
were playing the frozen egg?

- "I'm chill, baby."
- Ugh.

This is gonna be our first
weekend getaway.

I've been practicing ukulele
for the rowboat ride.

Hey, man, we all have to
break plans sometimes.

You know, when I went
to your school,

it actually sped up the demise
of my relationship

with the father of my son, so...

Exactly, I wouldn't want
something like that

to happen again.

- So, I'm sorry.
- What?

- Are you...?
- Actually, I can't go, either.

Because I'm gonna meet
my biological father...

You have to come.

I'm in.

I cannot believe Jody.

Just because you get
a girlfriend,

doesn't mean that you
completely bail on all your

professional responsibilities.

No, you don't.

You know, when I dated Tamra,
I didn't skip out on work.

- Thank you.
- Yeah.

We would have sex in the office.

The kitchen.

- Your office.
- What?

Uh, Jody's... that's
inappropriate, Jody.

And you know what? I don't even think
Jody knows what he wants.

- Mm-mm.
- Can I tell you a secret?

Yeah.

Before I went to Texas...

Jody and I had a weird
moment on my couch.

- Hmm.
- I think I have to show you.

- Okay.
- Okay, come sit here.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

All right.

You be me, and I'm Jody.

- I fell asleep.
- Oh.

Exactly.

Then Jody took a blanket
and he laid it on me.

Mm, I don't know
why this is weird.

- This is just, like, nice.
- Okay, but then he did this.

Do you think it meant anything?

I mean, isn't that really
emotional and weird?

Nope.
No, it doesn't mean anything.

I don't know,
it felt kind of romantic.

It's not romantic.

There's nothing
romantic about it.

God, you're such a narcissist.
Don't even worry about it.

Okay, can we just...

No, stop it, don't touch it!
Don't touch it.

- I have to go to the bathroom.
- What?

And I might need
to borrow some pants.

- Can I have my blanket back?
- No!

It's my blanket now.

So you don't think
it meant anything?

Nope!

Mindy, I wanted to talk to you
about this weekend.

Whatever.

Go have a fun bang-cation
with Courtney.

I'm excited to present alone,
because this way,

you can't stop me from
doing my parody song,

"Ain't too Proud to Egg."

Actually, Courtney
and I were discussing it

last night, post-coitally...

Why add that?

And she thinks it would be
best if I go to Princeton.

Oh, my God, that's so great.

Tell Courtney thank you.

Well, tell her yourself.

She's postponed
her allergy appointment

and she's coming with us.

Oh.
She is?

I'm so excited
for you two to meet.

You have so much in common.
You're both women.

You can talk about dresses
and matinee idols

and sewing.

Okay, sure, yeah.

I'm just happy
that you're coming.

I've never been to New Jersey.

It'll bring me one step closer
to visiting all 50 states.

And having sex in all of them.

Let's put on some tunes.

Oh, is there a Weird Al station?

No, no, please don't
touch the radio.

It's a voice-activated,
and it's very nice.

Don't touch anything!
Please.

If you could just hover above
your seat, that would be best.

I put down butcher paper
like you asked me to!

Oh, my God!

- What was that?
- Oh, it's her sneeze.

Isn't it cute?

I'm sorry, I have just
really bad allergies.

Oh, poor baby.

Isn't she brave?

Canceling her allergist
appointment to come with us

for moral support.

Oh, my...!

Hey, are you drunk right now?

That sneeze was like a gunshot,
so I swerved a little bit.

It's not about the sneeze.

- It's about how you handle it.
- You're fine.

Wow, that's quite a sneeze,
Courtney.

And it has to be
that loud, right?

Better out than in, as they say.

Mindy, did you know Courtney
also grew up in Boston?

What?
Oh, my God.

Nomar! Yankees suck!
"Spotlight"!

Racism!

Sorry, I'm sorry.

What part of town are you from?

Uh, Winchendon.

Oh.

Do you not know that part of
town or something, Mindy?

No, Winchendon isn't
exactly Boston.

It's basically in New Hampshire.

Well, Winchendon is
in Massachusetts.

- Technically it is.
- Yeah.

The way that Brad Pitt is
technically an Oscar winner.

- As a producer.
- Mm-mm, doesn't count.

What do you do for a living?

Oh, I'm currently on a lawsuit.

Oh, you're a lawyer?

No, I'm suing my former
employer for sexual harassment.

So waiting for
a settlement is your job?

I would love to
get on that train,

because I am constantly sexually
harassed by my employers,

and I am made to
feel like a piece of...

Oh, God!

Okay, you know what?
Pull over.

I don't want to die, I'm sorry.
I'm not dying in this car.

What? Dying in this car
with me would be better

than your current life.

I never thought I'd say this,
but a woman of Asian heritage

is a bad driver.

I agree with that in theory,
but not me.

- I am the exception.
- Pull over, please.

That's it.
I'm jumping out.

Wow.
Guys, I cannot believe this.

The last time
I was on this stage,

it was senior week,
and a hypnotist made me think

I was a chicken
and I took my clothes off.

He didn't ask me to.

I always knew
I'd end up in the Ivys.

I thought it would be
as some kind of study cadaver,

but this is good, too.

It is excellent work, Mindy.

Now that we've gotten
into Princeton,

all the other Ivys
are gonna be lining up

like city councilmen
at a cathouse.

Hey.

What're you guys doing in here?

Only returning to
my alma mater triumphantly

to change the lives
of young women.

And I saw a sign for auditions
for "Spring Awakening."

- And I might try out.
- That's great.

We have this room today for
a football recruiting session.

- Uh, football recruiting?
- Huh?

I didn't know that Princeton
recruited for football.

I thought they just accepted
whatever nerds

wandered onto the field
with their heads in a math book.

- Oh!
- Excuse me!

This is a Division One
football team, little lady.

We only allow athletes that can
run a ten minute mile,

or whose parents
donate a building.

Uh, sir, if I may,
I think I understand.

I, too, am a man of sport.

I was captain of my high school
line dancing team.

But I'm afraid we have
this auditorium reserved today.

Yeah.

But you might want to check
your confirmation email.

Relax, guys, these jockstraps

obviously don't know
how to read a calendar.

So...
oh, there it is.

Richardson Auditorium, May 2.

- 2017.
- Wait, what?

Oh, look at that,
you did reserve this auditorium

for the right day.

Right day next year.

I can't stay here for a year.

I only brought enough clothes
for six months.

Oh, shit.

Guys, I'm really sorry.

I think what happened,
was that I got too excited,

and I forgot to double-check...

No excuses.

Not only is this
very unprofessional,

but I had to cancel
my romantic getaway with Courtney.

We were gonna unwind,
and now I am as wound

- as I have ever been.
- I'm so sorry.

Okay, you're being
very disrespectful of my time.

I could have just stayed home
and do what I do every weekend...

stare at the wall
and wait for Monday.

I'm gonna fix this.

I'm gonna fix this, okay?

Hey.

- Hi, there.
- Yes?

My name is Dr. Mindy Lahiri.

Head Coach Drew Schakowsky.

I am here for a critical
women's health issue.

And I think we can both agree
that's way more important

than a bunch of fat guys
playing grab-ass.

This is
Ivy League football, okay?

If I don't get those players
to sign a commitment

to the team now, I could
lose them to the Quiz Bowl

or Gilbert and Sullivan Society.

Okay, you're a jock.

I know what you want.

I will let you touch them
for five seconds.

- One...
- Wait, I know you.

Two.
Hmm?

Did we go to
school here together?

Oh, that's not possible.
I'm much younger than you.

You used to do work study
at Butler dining hall.

You're the one who used to
eat all the French fries

off of people's plates
before you'd serve them.

Sorry I swiped a couple fries
off of a rich kid's plate.

I was on so much financial aid,
I got paid to get shocked

by the psych department.

- That's why I'm like this!
- Hey, listen, I get it.

I had some crazy
financial aid myself.

I mean, the whole time I was
on the football team,

I had to be the mascot, too.

- You were the tiger?
- Yeah.

I think I dry-humped you
once on a dare.

See? I knew you looked familiar.

Hello?

Are we any closer to
booking a venue,

or are we just gonna stroll down
memory lane all day?

Guys, I am mesmerizing him

with my sexy charm.

Just give me a second, okay?

Okay, well, we're gonna
keep packing.

Shut up!

Sweetie, I'm so sorry.

But if we leave now,
we can still salvage

our romantic weekend.

We'll pretend my apartment's
the B&B.

I'll have some Germans who'll
have breakfast with us.

Okay.
I guess.

Hey, guys.
I am really sorry.

This was the most embarrassing
thing to happen to me

on this campus,
and my underwear fell off

at commencement.

Look, what's done is done.

Let's just...
let's get out of here.

Maybe on the way back,
we can stop on the Pizza Hut

side of the rest stop?

- Doesn't that sound good?
- Mindy.

I know,
let me take care of this.

Okay, yes.
I did it, all right?

I intentionally sat on one of
your footballs and destroyed it.

What? No.

I was just talking
with the guys,

and we decided,
since it's such a nice day out,

we'll just take the recruiting
session out to the stadium.

I thought you needed the auditorium
to show your highlights reel?

Oh, no, no. I mean, it's better
if we don't, anyway.

The only team we beat
was Columbia last year,

and that was only because
half their team

was off for the high holidays.

You're gonna give us
the auditorium

to do our presentation?

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.

I'm already back
in road trip mode.

So we should probably just go.

We'll do...
we'll do the presentation.

- Thank you so much!
- Oh, hey.

Well, that's all well and good,

but we still have a problem.

The school still thinks
the event's happening a year from now.

Who's even gonna come?

Well, we'll just
do what he did, right?

We'll recruit people
who seem like they'd be

good candidates
for "Later, Baby."

Oh, sure,
where we gonna find them?

- Yeah.
- We'll get nerds.

I mean, I was a nerd
in college for three years,

till I discovered vodka crayons.

Like crayons you draw with?

Hey, does your ID get you into
every building on this campus?

- Yeah.
- I have an idea.

Give me the fliers.

Thank you.
Come on, let's go.

Set up the presentation!

Text me if you're sure,
'cause I just...

- Set it up!
- I just packed it.

I'm sure!
Unpack it!

Ugh, okay.

Oh, the Lewis Science Library.

Drew, I've got a lot of
happy memories of this place.

Oh, right.

The Loser Science Library.

I've never even been in here.

Ugh, that's right.
You're a jock.

What'd you major in, gym?

French literature.

Oh! Voulez-vous coucher
avec moi ce soir?

Oui!

You have no idea
what you're saying.

No.
None whatsoever.

Ah, here we are.

Oh, Drew, isn't is beautiful?

Nerdius Americanus
in their natural habitat.

So how're you gonna find out
who's interested?

Well, first we'll
start with the Koreans,

whose immigrant parents
will make them wait

until they get
a graduate school degree

before they can
go on a first date.

- Oh, boy.
- Um...

Janet, Eunice, Grace, Priscilla!

- How do you know their names?
- I guessed.

And now, the Indian girls.

They're not gonna finish
their neuro residencies

for another 12 years.

Anila, Dia, Priya!

And finally, the Jewish girls.

They want to marry Jewish guys,
but all the Jewish guys

are dating Asian girls,
and they have to wait.

- Hey, where my Jewesses at?
- No, no, no, no, no.

I am uncomfortable with all
the racial talk at a university.

Okay.

Shira, Rachel, Tamar!

- Shabbat shalom.
- It's not shabbat.

I know what you're thinking:

who is this pedo,
how'd they break into my library,

why are they wasting my time?

I have a Lexus.

It's a lease, but that's
a pretty big deal, okay?

I'm just a really cool,
pretty, sexy,

full-bodied Manhattan doctor

who decided to
have children in her 30s.

Yeah.
Didn't work out with the dad.

But it's for the best.
Do miss the sex, though.

The point is, I am here
to help you take control

of your own fertility.

No, oh...

All this to say, if you give
me a mere hour of your time,

I can teach you the secret of
how you, too, can have it all.

And now, this handsome guy
and I are gonna make it rain...

information.

Fliers for a talk
I'm about to give

in about an hour and a half.

Eat it up, ladies!

Okay, guys,
meet at the front entrance.

We'll lead you over.

And that is how you recruit.

My football players don't even
listen to me like that.

Maybe I should talk to them?

I can come to their locker room.

Or their showers.

- When do they shower?
- No.

I could be on a romantic
getaway in the country.

Making love on the grass
of a battle site

where hundreds of
young men died.

But no, thanks to Mindy,
I'm getting ready

for a presentation
no one knows is happening.

- Ah!
- Stop blaming Dr. L, okay?

You are the one
undermining the practice!

I didn't know microwaving fish

would make the whole
office smell.

I'm talking about the incident

in her apartment
the other night.

What incident?

When you brushed
her hair out of her head

while she was asleep.

Come on, man.

What... uh, what's the big deal?

Uh, there was a little bit of
mayonnaise on her forehead.

Okay, well,
that's very plausible,

but still, she thought
it was romantic, okay?

There was nothing
romantic about it.

All I did was this.

I-I know
that that is not romantic,

but still, you got a girlfriend.

Stop sending Dr. Lahiri
mixed signals.

- Right, right.
- And, also, me.

Let's just pretend
that never happened.

Yes, it never happened.

I have to go to the bathroom.

Once you stop
worrying about fertility,

you can start worrying about
what's really important.

Like getting through
a lecture hungover.

I recommend Pedialyte
through a Twizzler.

Ow!
Ow...

- Ow, ow.
- You got to be careful.

I'm part of the presentation.

The first round
of people to sign up

will get a free "Hamilton"...

CDs, not tickets.

What do you think we are?

- We can't afford that.
- Yeah.

Thanks so much
for coming out, you guys.

Yeah!

Oh, man, I used to
love this place.

One time, I tried to
dance on the bar...

But I didn't have the upper body
strength to climb up,

so I danced by the bar.

- And...
- Shut up.

Is that the coach from before?

Oh, my God.

- More like Vince Lomhottie.
- Oh, it is.

- Hey, man.
- Hey!

Hey.
What's going on?

How'd the presentation go?

It went really well.

We signed up 16 new patients,
so it was cool.

Hey, join us.
Sit down.

Oh, five people in a booth,
I don't know if that's safe.

- Yeah.
- Move over.

- Come on, move over.
- There's plenty of room.

I can go one butt cheek
for this guy.

- All right, all right.
- Move over, you animals.

- It's comfortable.
- Aw, thanks.

So how was your day?

My recruitment went well.

I found a fullback who only
has light asthma, so...

Well, if you're
okay with asthma,

I can be your Tom Brady.

Oh I don't know about that.

I think you might be
a distraction to the team.

Or if you're looking for
someone with sleep apnea...

Stop it, stop it.

No, I sleep like an angel.

Oh!

Are you okay, sweetie?

It's nothing, it's nothing.

It's just, now that we moved,

I'm directly under a vent,
and it's very chilly.

Oh, you poor thing.

Well, maybe we should all leave
and go someplace else

that's not quite so drafty?

No, we just got our drinks.
We're having fun.

Well, some of us are having
fun, some of us are freezing.

You know, you guys work it out.

I'm just gonna see if
the bartender can warm up

this white wine.

- Ah!
- Okay.

So how long
you guys in town for?

We leave tomorrow,
6:00 a.m. sharp.

Well, I'm glad
I caught you, then,

because this place
has 10 cent wings.

What?

Mindy, Courtney gave up
our weekend together.

The least we could do
is go someplace

where she wouldn't be suffering.

Okay, well, good luck with that,

'cause she suffers everywhere.

Should I go?

Mindy, you owe Courtney
and I an apology.

For what? For scoring us
a dozen new patients?

Yeah, and I got a callback
for "Spring Awakening."

- Yeah, man.
- You have been rude to us.

And, to quote Tim Gunn,
"That is not a good look."

Okay, if Tim Gunn was here,
he would say,

"That's a lot of look."

"That's a lot of look!"

You know what?
I am sorry.

I am so sorry
that I had to spend a weekend

making conversation with a woman
who cannot tolerate

Earth's atmosphere.

- Yeah, you know, I'm gonna go.
- No!

- No!
- Don't... ugh.

- Son of a bitch.
- Bye-bye.

Hey, man, what is your problem?

You haven't even given
Courtney a chance.

You've been rude to her
this whole trip.

Well, I don't understand why
it's so important to you

that I like your girlfriend.

We are coworkers.
We do not need to socialize.

In fact, maybe you should leave.

- Well, maybe I should.
- No, no, don't go.

- Bye-bye.
- No, no, no, don't, Dr. K.

Sure, no.

No, we're not
taking your money, man.

You chased everyone away.
Are you happy?

No.

I mean, can you believe Jody?

Acting like it's my job
to treat his pushy,

sneeze-monster girlfriend
like she's my sister?

Hey, I am the only sister
you're ever gonna need.

Hey, Morgan.

I love that you've
kept me company,

but I-I really don't need,
nor want, you to stay

for the rest of the night.

You can't be alone
after that fight.

Also, the hotel was out of rooms

that didn't cost anything, so...

You can sleep on the floor.

Can we just watch some
Pay-Per-View, please?

No porn!

Because I checked earlier,
and I've seen them all.

Okay, I turned the heat
up to 90.

Oh.

Are you sure
it's not too warm in here?

No, the hotel has heat.

We'd be fools not to
take advantage.

I think I'm gonna put on
another pair of socks.

Oh, that's a good idea.

Oh, you left your belt
buckle in the car.

I grabbed it.

- Belt buckle?
- Yeah.

It's almost too heavy
for me to carry.

Where'd you get it?

Uh...

Texas.

Will you excuse me, honey?
I, uh...

I'm gonna go down to the lobby,

get you a nice cup
of boiling hot tea.

See, I gave everyone
backrubs in prison.

My friend Choocho loved it.

Murdered his whole family.

Oh, my God,
I didn't tell my parole officer

I was leaving the state.

If it's a man named Jamar,
I'm not here.

Good evening, Mindy.

Oh, uh...

may I have a word with you?

Okay.

I just wanted to apologize
about how harsh I was

at that college tavern tonight.

You've really
embarrassed me in front of

a room filled with strangers.

Afterwards, sure,
I embarrassed myself even worse

by throwing up while
doing karaoke, but still.

I wasn't supportive enough
of you or our business,

and I'm...
I am sorry for that.

And I am sorry
that I was rude to Courtney.

Eh.

It's just, she's so, like,
annoying and, like,

her stories suck, and she's,
like, not really from Boston.

Kind of an apology...

But you seem to really like her,

so she must be worth liking.

I can find some good in her.

- Like, she always has gum.
- Mm-hmm.

- Okay?
- Mm-hmm.

And she's pretty.

And she's probably smart.

And she seems to make you happy.

I just wanted to clarify
something, though, with you.

- I found this...
- Hey.

- Hello.
- How are ya?

Well.

You guys doing, like,
official work stuff?

Because if you are, I should be
included in the conversation.

No, I was going...

We're having
a private conversation.

Like, about patients and stuff?

It's not... it's like
a regular hangout...?

You know what, we were
actually in the middle

of doing our hangout.

All right, well, I'll just...
I'll let you get back to your evening.

Did you want to tell me...?
Okay.

And I'll, uh, make sure
Courtney's staying warm.

See you for breakfast.

Okay.

Now this is your night.

You're gonna sit on the bed,

and you're gonna
look at my toenail

and you're gonna tell me
what the hell is going on.

- Oh, God!
- Is that scales?

It smells so bad.

I've tried sprays...
I dumped a whole thing of

Puff Daddy cologne on here.

Hold on.

Oh, God, I have
a kernel of corn in here.

You want to get a bite to eat?

Pizza emoji.
Burrito emoji.

I have, like, a nail
growing on top of this nail.

Yeah, and then we can poop emoji...

Oops, I meant party emoji.
They're both in my frequently used.

Oh, I cut my finger
on my own toenail!

Oh, man.
Butler dining hall.

- Mm.
- Damn.

I have missed
these cheesesteaks.

I used to have,
like, four a night.

Well, that's the perks of
working at a college.

Almost makes up for
all the hacky sack.

Does your girlfriend
hate hacky sack, too?

What?

I'm sorry,
that was just so subtle.

Um, I almost didn't catch it.

No.
No, no girlfriend.

Do you ever go up to Manhattan?

Well, it's funny you should ask,

because I'm actually going up
to watch spring practice

at the Dalton School next week.

- All punters.
- Mm.

You want to come?

Mm, no.

I hate sports.
I'd rather die.

Hey, dummy, I was just trying
to ask you out on a date.

Oh, my God, um...

Yes, I would love to.

Wow, I'm really excited
to see you next week.

Aren't we just gonna go to
my place and have sex right now?

- Damn, dude.
- Too soon?

Super hot.

Um, I do have really
thin walls, though,

so you're gonna have to
keep it down.

Oh, my God.

I live in Manhattan.

I'm all about thin walls.

I'll just shove a sock
in my mouth.

Let's go.

Hey, guys, I'm sorry I was
a little late this morning.

Courtney, are you okay
with the AC?

Oh, I'm great.

I've got one of those silver
blankets ambulances give out.

But thanks.

Hey, you shouldn't have
abandoned me last night, okay?

I tossed and turned so much,
I fell off the bed

and I hurt myself.

I'm sorry, Morgan.

Wait, you didn't make it
home last night?

Was it that football guy
from the bar?

Maybe.

Oh, you go, girl!

That guy was hot
and had a strong jawline.

- Mm-hmm.
- Mm-hmm.

And he sure used
that jawline last night.

- Oh!
- What?

Please, Mindy,
there's a lady present.

Wasn't a lady present
last night.

- Oh!
- Yes!

All right, let's pay
attention to the road.

I know someone
who got rode last night.

- It was the coach!
- Morgan!